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Lord Canelaser, Eater of Widows
Played By: The Apologist

Lord Canelaser, Eater of Widows by The Apologist

TEAM: The Syndicate

SECTOR: UPTOWN

KIT CLASS: Cyberware


The Syndicate Team Captain

Hall Of Fame!

Survival - 14 wins!

HexxJo's Cool Character Award!

Fight Record
League Wins: 9
League Losses: 3
Out Of League Wins: 5
Out of League Losses: 5
Total Wins: 14
Total Losses: 8
Creeper - Win 11-6
Utopia: Right in Our Backyard - Win 10-6
Bloodlust - Win 12-6
Frank the rather large Kiwi - Win 9-6
Bruce the Zombie Pony - Win 8-7
Tiresias Virgil - Win 6-5
Contagion - Win 8-6
Johnny Epiphany - Win 9-7
Scarlett "Scar" Swarr - Win 12-11
Fastest Pussycat - Win 10-8
Toc Darkone - Win 16-12
Solarwind - Loss 10-11
The Athiest - Loss 9-12
The Unsubtle: New Ownership - Win 11-10
The End - Loss 7-14
Arick Huebris - Loss 8-9
Forte - Loss 6-7
The Semi-Rational Penguin - Loss 7-8
Atom-A-Ton - Loss 3-8
Wick & Ed - Win 9-6
Dangerman: Jack of All Rescues - Loss 6-9
Johnathan Crenshaw - Win 6-5

"Isn't this ritzy party smashing?" said Lord Richington, polishing his monocle on his silken shirt.

"Are you kidding?" asked Dr. Obscenely Rich, "This bottle of wine is only four hundred years old! My dog hasn't had such swill in years. And the men's restroom is out of hundred dollar bills. I was forced to wipe my posterior with mere fifties!"

"Still," Lord Richington said, "the caviar has little flakes of gold in it, just how I like it, and I haven't been to a party where I could literally break the backs of poor children with a golden mallet in nearly a decade!" On that note, Lord Richington hefted his golden mallet over one shoulder with a meaty hand.

"You'll never get away with this!" the poor, pregnant minority woman said, "Using the magical powers common to my race I will put a curse on you!"

"Quiet!" Lord Richington said, "Time for breaking your back with this huge mallet!" Lord Richington said, breaking the minority woman's back with his huge mallet.

"You've done it now!" the woman said, "The power of my ancestors will curse you, because I am a minority! We have maaaagical poweeeers!"

"You're still paralyzed for life, person who is both a minority and a woman!" Lord Richington laughed, "I care not for your silly minority ways! Now, hand me that pool of dipping sauces," Lord Richington called out to one of the working staff, procuring his sack of kittens.

But later that night...

Lord Richington was waddling from his limousine to his private jet when he was struck by a lightning bolt!

"I don't know if we can save him," the doctor said, "The cause of injury is one of the most powerful minority curses I've ever seen. It looks as though we'll have to do it..."

"No!" the nurse to the doctor's left said, "We can't do that! It's too expensive!"

"We have no choice," said the doctor, "We'll have to turn him into an awesome and powerful robot with our cool technology."

"When will man learn the folly of his ways!?" a passing author lamented.

"Get that bum out of here!" the doctor told his roadies, and then he began the operation that would turn Lord Richington into a super powerful robot.

 

Personality: "What? Where am I? What's happening to me?" Lord Richington wondered, rising to his feet. He heard metallic clanking in his arm.

"I can answer those questions," the doctor said, rising from a chair on the edge of the room with a pipe in his mouth.

"You were struck by a powerful minority curse," the doctor said, "and in order to save your life we had to turn you into an incredibly powerful robot."

"NO!" Lord Richington cried, falling to his knees, "Why have I been cursed with this amazing power!?"

"You'll have to learn to live with being awesome," the doctor said, "although there is something I should warn you about... you will only be able to survive by eating widows."

"I don't know if I can do that," Lord Richington said, "Most widows are so stringy..."

"It's a sacrifice you'll have to learn to make," the doctor said, "now go and eat widows!"

"Yes," Lord Richington said, "but first I'll need a new name... one that represents my new form."

Hefting his cane (which now had a laser gun in it) he proclaimed, "I am Lord Richington no more! From this day forward I am Lord Canelaser, Eater of Widows! I shall take revenge on the world that wronged me, especially poor minority women!"

And with that he left to go wreak havoc on Khazan.

 

Strength:

 

Superior The pinnacle of human strength.
Can bench press 1000 pounds.
Agility:

 

Standard Normal human agility.
Body:

 

Standard Normal human endurance. Mind:

 

Standard Normal human mental resources.

Corpulent (And Made of Metal)

  • Power: Armor Skin
  • Level:Superior
  • Reinforced Defenses Defense blocks Armor Piercing attacks.
"You won't get away with this, Lord Canelaser!" said Captain Gutpunch.

"Oh yes I will!" Canelaser said, crouched over the mutilated form of a half-eaten widow.

Captain Gutpunch ran forward and punched Lord Canelaser in the gut.

"Oh no!" Captain Gutpunch said, "That didn't work because you're incredibly fat! And also your skeleton is made of very hard metals!"

"That is correct!" Lord Canelaser said, "And now I will kill you with my laser gun, which is housed within my cane!"

The Lord Canelaser killed Captain Gutpunch with his laser gun, which is housed within his cane.

Widow Grabbing Beam

  • Power: Tractor Beam
  • Level:Superior
  • Kit Power Link: Cyberware
"Hello, old minority woman," said Lord Canelaser to an old minority woman. "I am interested in hearing about your life. Is your husband dead?"

"Yes," the widow said, hanging her head with sadness, "My husband died years ago in the war."

"Now I will eat you!" Lord Canelaser yelled, trying to nibble on the minority widow's elbow. She ran away from him very fast, but he simply pointed his cane toward her and pushed a button.

"Oh no!" she yelled, "I'm being pulled backward!"

"Yes!" Lord Canelaser said, "And when I pull you back to me I'm going to eat you."

And then he did.

Cane Laser!

  • Power: Disintegration
  • Level:Ultimate
  • Kit Power Link: Cyberware
  • Ranged and Melee Attack! Attack is equally effective at range and up close.
"You'll not eat this widow today, Lord Canelaser!" said Captain Stronguy, "I shall defeat you and end your scourge of widow eating!"

"Come over here and fight me and my powerful metal body!" said Lord Canelaser.

"No! You will not defeat me, for I am over here!" said Captain Stronguy.

"Aha! Cane laser!" yelled Lord Canelaser, firing his cane laser at Captain Stronguy, who was hit by his cane laser.

"I forgot that you could do that! Oh no!" yelled Captain Stronguy as Lord Canelaser fired his cane laser, striking Captain Stronguy with his cane laser. "I'm dying because you hit me with your cane laser!"

And then he died.

Orbital Cane Laser!

  • Power: Eldrich Blast
  • Level:Ultimate
  • Area Effect This attack causes damage in a large area.
  • Ranged Attack Attack usable at a distance (only).
  • Armor Piercing This attack ignores normal defenses which are not Reinforced.
Captain Gutpunch laughed at Lord Canelaser, because this time he was going to beat Lord Canelaser.

"I will beat you this time, Lord Canelaser!" said Captain Gutpunch, sure of his impending victory, "Because now I have a special suit of armor that makes me immune to your Cane Laser!"

Lord Canelaser's mustache quivered with gentlemanly rage, and he leveled his cane laser at Captain Gutpunch.

"You are making me angry, old nemesis who is back to face me in the sequel!" said Lord Canelaser, "But we shall see who wins this fight! It will be me! CANE LASER!" he cried, firing his cane laser.

"Haha!" Captain Gutpunch laughed as the cane laser bounced harmlessly off of his new suit. "I told you, I am immune to your cane laser! It's now time for you to be defeated by me!"

But then, Lord Canelaser pulled out his secret weapon - an additional cane! There was lens flare, and motion blur! He dual-wielded his canes, because nothing is more badass than dual wielding stuff, and then pointed his second cane at his enemy. He pushed a button. Nothing happened.

"Haha!" said Captain Gutpunch, sharpening his fists on a whetstone, "Even your new weapon cannot stop me!"

But up in space, a gigantic cane-shaped satellite deployed its side boosters, turning slowly to face toward Captain Gutpunch!

"Now to punch you in the gut!" said Captain Gutpunch, but just as he was about to the enormous cane-shaped satellite fired a really huge cane laser!

"Oh no!" said Captain Gutpunch, "My anti-cane laser suit's one weakness: a really enormous cane laser!" And then he was incinerated and died.