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Sugar Sweet and the Color Bunch
"Aaaaaaah!" The screams of the goblins were matched by the screams of agonized viewers everywhere as the blinding, garish colors and wailing, high pitched shriek blew out sound equipment and destroyed CRTs across the land.
Twinkie-Pink burbled sullenly in response.
"What's wrong, Twinkie-Pink?"
Twinkie-Pink burbled and buzzled and then resumed burbling.
"What's that? You say Twinkleland is in trouble? Goblins!? And they've captured Twinkie-Green and Twinkie-Blue? Don't worry, Twinkie-Pink, I'll help you out."
Sugar Sweet whistled for Moonbeam and flew off to save her friends. Evil was vanquished by the power of love and friendship, but the evil goblins ran away, swearing to fight again, because they're evil. All in all, nobody was seriously hurt and the show ended in laughter.
And standardized test scores plummeted.
Sugar Sweet pushed the button and waved the wand, but the goblins were sneaking up on her. Amidst the orgy of non-suspense, the screen cut to a title slide. "We'll be right back after these soul-crushing commercial advertisements."
"Hello, Janice. Why are you so sad?" the commercial announcer asked.
"Mommy won't buy me a TamCo Brand Sugar Sweet Princess Dress." Janice pouted.
"Well, do you know what you can do?" the announcer said.
"No..." Janice looked innocently up at the voice.
"KILL THE BITCH!" the announcer shrieked, "She obviously dosen't love you if she won't buy it for you."
"Okay! I'll suffocate her with my Sugar Sweet TamCo Brand Supersoft Pillow!"
Janice then proceeded to murder her parents in cold blood, giggling and prancing around as 80's synth music played. The camera zoomed in and out quickly as wacky zippy sound effects played. Her parents quit struggling after a bit and the next scene was the girl laughing and smiling in her new princess dress.
That quarter, TamCo sold 10% more wands, 25% more princess dresses and pillows, and managed to dodge all six lawsuits from the godparents of children now facing trial as adults.
"You listen to me, buster!" the woman on the complaint line said, "That show is schlock! It's garbage and you'll be held accountable for it!"
"Now, ma'am," Ted wearily wrapped the telephone cord around his finger... why did he have to get stuck with the one-in-a-million complaint calls? "What it is is just a harmless kids' show. We know some of them might go a bit overboard, but that's really up to the advertisers and the...".
"I know I can't be the only one complaining about this garbage!" the woman fumed.
"Now, ma'am, we do get some complaints but Sugar Sweet has an international fanbase of tens of billions. We find it baffling, inasmuch as the global population of Earth is only about six billion, but the numbers don't lie. She's the most popular brand ever, anywhere." Ted repeated this almost word-for-word from memory.
"But it's stupid, it's garbage, and it's just an excuse to sell cheap products to impressionable children!" the woman's voice was getting more and more desperate.
"Ma'am, your call is very important to us but I really do have a lot of work to get to..." Ted looked at his unfinished game of solitaire.
"I won't be turned away without an apology for this foolishness!" the woman insisted.
"Well, ma'am, I am deeply sorry that we've created a product that you deem unworthy. Our writers are working tirelessly to improve and expand the appeal of the Sugar Sweet brand of products, and we'll take your comments to heart. Thank you for your time." Ted already had the next card in his hand.
"Damn that Sugar Sweet! Why does everybody love that show so much? Am I the only one who can see past it?" the woman sighed.
"We did, Sugar Sweet! And now you know what time it is..." Moonbeam cooed.
"That's right, Moonbeam. It's time to go over what we learned." Sugar Sweet cleared her throat, "Now those mean old goblins stole Mr. O'Liam's tractor, and that just isn't right, is it kids?"
"No, that sure is mean." Moonbeam chimed in, "You're right, Sugar Sweet! And you know what else I learned?"
"No. What did you learn, Moonbeam?" Sugar Sweet's face was innocent.
"I learned that governmental taxes on corporations are too high. Great companies like TamCo want to give away candy and clothes for free, but the mean old government won't let them." Moonbeam pouted.
"Wow, Moonbeam. We sure did learn neat stuff today, didn't we?" Sugar Sweet said.
"Yep. We sure did, Sugar Sweet. May we sing the Song of Morality now?" Moonbeam pleaded, her eyes brightening.
"Yay! That sounds like a good time! Why don't the Color Bunch join in, and you kids at home, too? And a one, and a two, and a..."
"Learning to be good is fun
Oh learning to be good is fun
I could just be good all day
And not bother anyone
I should buy TamCo gear
Because all the fun in the world is here
With Sugar Sweet and Moonbeam
And the Color Bunch!"
Children across the world were asleep within moments of the start of that segment, and naptime for most of the planet turned on the end of Sugar Sweet's adventures and her delves into campiness.
"Alright! That's the hot stuff! Yeah!" the other young man leaned in over his friend's shoulder.
"Oh, that's my favorite pairing, right there." the young man in the chair could barely contain himself.
I don't think I need to tell you that the objects of our observance were at a very naughty website. A website that liked to host stories of an extremely adult nature. The thirty year old anime -lovers had perused a website that would've made their mothers weep in distress.
"Man, this stuff is all so hot..." the first young man smirked.
"Yeah, look at this!" the second one reached over his shoulder and clicked on a link, "W, wait... what is..."
"OH SWEET JESUS! DON'T LOOK AT IT!" the first man covered his eyes and turned away. He felt waves of sickness rising in his body.
Just the title of the work had caused our "heroes" to erupt into violent sickness.
"Close the site! Close it!" the first man wept openly in despair. His mind would never be whole again.
The second man barely kept his composure long enough to click the red "x" box to close the browser, "Oh my GOD... that's just sick. Who WRITES that stuff?"
"And about Sugar Sweet, nonetheless? Ugh, I need to wash up..."
"Oh man, that'll haunt my nightmares forever."
The two of them knew that their lives had changed forever... they had been exposed to the most vile that humanity had to offer: twisted lemon fetish fiction.
Rick was having a hard time trying not to laugh. Michael, Ted and Jerry, who were listening in on speaker phone, were also doubled over with fits of silent laughter.
"Yes," Rick said, his tone droll, "I understand, I understand... we here at Corporo Entertainment realize that your concern is valid. We think it's great that we live in a country where we're all free to choose what we watch and buy, and we salute your right to change the channel whenever you like and to not purchase your children our products. Thank you."
The woman on the other end of line wailed, "My daughter was drawn into your Sugar Sweet Cult by her grandmother, who bought her a doll for Christmas! All of her friends at school had one... I did everything I could to keep her away but she was just as much a part of the fad without my input! Please, you must stop this before anyone else winds up... like my daughter. She's dead! Don't you understand! You killed her!"
"Mmhmm." Rick winked at Jerry and made a talky-talk motion with his free hand, "Ma'am, I hope you understand that allegations of murder without proof are very poor grounds for any sort of action. Feel free to contact our lawyers if you have any concerns. Buh-bye now."
The meeting room erupted into laughter.