THE SPORTS BOX
Callisto: We Are LIVE! Hello ladies and gentlemen, from the womens clothing section at S-Mart I am your fight goddess Callisto. And to my left, thumbing through the sports bras, is Clown Girl.
Harley Quinn: Yeah, I'm lookin' at these for you Psycho Barbie. That leather halter top you wear looks like it chafes.
Harley Quinn: Yeah. Why don't you try this on.
Callisto: Oh My God. There he is. Look! It's him.
Harley Quinn: Oh my god. He's sooo cool!
Callisto: I call dibs.
Harley Quinn: No you don't!
Callisto: Oh my god. Here he comes. He's coming over here. Act natural. Do something. Browse.
Harley Quinn: You're dressed in unvarnished cow leather and I'm in a clown suit and you want us to act normal... Right.
Ash Williams: Hello ladies. Name's Ash. Housewares. Can I help you with something?
Harley Quinn: Why YES! We need an opinion on something. Can you help us?
Ash Williams: Huh. Yeah... so you two going to a costume party or what?
Callisto: Something like that.
Harley Quinn: Yeah, we need you to tell us what you think of how we look...
Callisto: ... In these.
Harley Quinn: Yeah, these. See there's pink and blue...
Callisto: We need your undivided attention for just a few minutes.
Harley Quinn: Yeah, in the dressing room.
Callisto: Right, the dressing room.
Harley Quinn: wearing these! Right, so you'll tell us what you think.
Ash Williams: Hey, baby, I don't know...
Callisto: Oh, yeah, What were we thinking! Us all in there changing clothes together.
Harley Quinn: Oh, jeeze! What were we thinking. It's just that we needed a man's opinion.
Callisto: A real man's opinion.
Harley Quinn: In there alone. Oh, my. Were we...
Harley Quinn: ...naughty?
Callisto: Oh dear. Now we've done it. Now We've been naughty and deserve a good spanking. You must spank me.
Harley Quinn: And me!
Callisto: Yes, you must give us all a good spanking.
Harley Quinn: A spanking! A spanking!
Ash Williams: Yeah baby, well you two look like you could use some tough lovin' all right. HOLY SHIT! What's that!
Callisto and Harley Quinn: AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!
What YOU thought about the match:
Drunken Master Writes:
This is really amazing, we got a freak killer who has had a few movies and several video games(Which I suck at) vs A guy who refuses to die, no matter how much we want him to. Jason Vorhees is simply superior, Ash has killed undead in the past of course, but after slicing them in two, they usually don't get back up. Not so with Jason, his eyes have been ripped, he's been drowned, sliced, diced, hell, I think that Jason could survive anything other than maybe a nuclear bomb. Ash however, only has so many lives in the videogames (not enough for me) and only one life in the movies.
I don't know much about these two dudes, all I know is that Jason beat Freddy in Freddy vs. Jason, and Ash got another game out on Xbox about a year ago. Something I made up: The ones with the chainsaws are either the maniacs or the winners. So I'm going with Ash for this one.
M.O.B. (-Man Of Battle-) Writes:
Okay this is the most simplest match yet. Because there is absolutely no way Ash can defeat Jason! It doesn't matter how many times Ash can inflict damage upon Jason regardless the caliber of Guns, the sharpness of the swords, or the force he can use! Jason would survive it! I Mean come on People! Jason has been shot!, Stabbed!, Burned!, Drowned!, Cursed, Hit with multiple flying objects flung by a telekinetic girl, and even ran over by a untold amount number of vehicals! Ash Williams is just a man! With a right handed lesser grade robotic gauntlet hand which might slow jason down if Ash should punch him. But it would only delay the inevitable. Because Jason would crush him! Jason does have a powerful level of strength, and is profiled borderline between a Zombie and Spectre like state weilds a machette which might as well be made of adamantium because it seemly cuts through anything and wears a hockey mask to hide his handsome horrific looks. Now if Ash had a ray gun it might change things.
So give it a rest Ash!
And Go Jason!!!!
The Catwoman Writes:
Here is why Jason will win: This is just the movie’s teaser. Ash is the only other person out there in the fight. Anyone who has seen these formulistic horror plots knows that when a person is facing an unspeakable killing machine alone it means that this is only the teaser and that person will die horribly within five minutes. Check out Scream, Halloween, and any of the Friday the 13th series if you do not believe me. Now if ash was surrounded by people (I.E. over-sexed camp consolers) who kept leaving him for various reasons and not returning until he was alone then he would most defiantly survive and defeat Jason.
The Great Me Writes:
Jason Voorhees Vs. Ash Williams, two of The Horror Icons battle it out! Let's measure them up:
Jason: can lift multi-ton pieces of metal and put dents into and knock down inches-thick doors.
Ash: can lift a chainsaw on his arm without his hand.
Jason: slow and uncordinated, but has shown speed and agility at times.
Ash: dodges and weaves about like a normal human.
Jason: Uses something sharp, blunt or anything at hand, even firing weapons. Possibly even a credit card, a toothpick, his bare hands, or even a gun.
Ash: Uses a double-barreled shotgun and a handchainsaw.
Current: 2 to 2. Now, for the most important factor:
Jason: Whether it be cellular regeneration, Demonic forces, Testicular Fortitude, or that he simply refuses to, Jason simply WILL NOT DIE! Nothing can kill him: Not burning, not shooting, not chainsawing, not slicing, not exploding, not even being sent to Hell.
Ash: Ash can take pain like noone can believe, even cutting off his own hand or going hand-to-hand with a demon with one hand cut off, he simply has nothing on Jason.
Ash will be unable to Kill Jason with his gun, and won't be able to get in close with his chainsaw without being succeptable to Jason's blades and hands, but Jason will be too slow to catch Ash. Ash's only hope would be to call in Sam Raimi, who would be able to get Jason a contract to star in the latest hockey movie as the heroic, if unusually ugly(even for hockey!), goalie.
In this way, everyone wins, because Jason makes a killing in the box offices and Ash saves the day and gets a hot chick to BOOT!
The ZeR0_SyGNaL Writes:
Ash has it in the bag. Good...Bad...He's the guy with the gun. Jason has always been a few steps behind. And got stomped by enough teenagers in his past as a result. Besides...All Ash really needs is to find some water. As soon as Jason crubbles into a fetal position and starts crying...Ash can start slicin' and Dicin'. Ash will stand there, victoriously, bloody chainsaw in hand and in a pool of Jason-puree.
Hail to the king, baby!
El Kabong Writes:
Oh, heck yeah. What a match this will be. Horror's ultimate hero versus its ultimate villian. no matter who wins, this will be one for the history books, even more so than that little spat Mr. Vorhees had with that dream demon last year. Let's see, how to break this one down....
Offense: It may seem that the two combatants are evenly matched here. Ash may suffer a slight disability thanks to his lack of a limb, but if this is Army of Darkness Ash that would be a non-entity anyway. As for the chainsaw arm, there IS the gas issue, but even in medieval times it didn't really seem like that was a concern. Ash's main advantage would be that sawed off shotgun he totes around. Mr. Voorhees, on the other hand, is pretty much a master of hand to hand combat: if it's sharp, Jason can and will use it masterfully.
Defense: Point for Jason. Be it cellular regeneration, demonic curse, or just plain ol' testicular fortitude, this guy will not drop. Shoot him, burn him, hang him, chop him up, he'll just get up, readjust his mask, and come back for more. Ash can take some abuse, but he's simply not in Jason's league. He may get points if the violence is "humorous" (as in Army of Darkness), because he got yanked in a black hole in a situation like that and managed to claw his way out. He also cut his own hand off. That's pretty hardcore right there.
Tactics: This is where Ash shines. He took Uncle Ben and Aunt May's old clunker, added it to some crap in the trunk and some thirteenth century stuff, and turned it into a Deathmobile. He also trained a castleful of peasants to fend off an army of the undead. Jason? Jason can stab stuff. And walk slowly. I can see Ash setting up some seriously elaborate traps to stop Mr. Voorhees (or at least slow him down). Point for Ash here.
X Factor: Ash is not a teenager. Ash did not drink or do drugs as far as I remember. He never said "I'll be right back". He tends to avoid wandering off into dark rooms. He did sleep with one chick, but as far as I know Jason wasn't in the vincinity so that rule may not apply. However, Jason does have an uncanny ability to teleport when he's off camera, which may help him some. Ash can play the rules to his advantage, though: he's the hero. He's survived at least two sequels, putting him into "Ripley" rather than "Final Girl" status. Jason has a bad habit of dying only when he fights the "hero" (his duel with Mr. Krueger nonwithstanding, I'm still not sure who won that one).
Therefore, with a hearty "hail to the king, baby!" and a "I'm the guy with the gun!", I award this match to Ash. It'll be long, drawn out, and throughly messy, but just as Ripley will take down the xenomorph and Loomis will always at least stall Myers, the good guy will prevail.
At least until the sequel......
Kilgore Trout Writes:
Jesus' diapers Batman! This is a militant fanboy site and you offer Ash versus Jason? I would put money on Ash if he fought Galactus, knowing that all my fellow nerds and geeks would want to see the giant chainsaw massacre! Jason will die seven times, Ash will just get some Sugar. Groovy!
Jason's Mommy Writes:
Now you tell that brute Ash to leave my poor lil boy alone. Lil Jason's only ever had to fight silly, horny little children. And that mean old telkinetic slut who spanked him. And that mean old robotic slut who spanked him. But he's never had to go one on one with a zombie-killing super hunk like Ash. Oh my, I get hot and flustered just thinking of him...ahem, ummm, anyway, you tell that bully to leave my boy in peace!!
Jason Fan Writes:
Maybe we are not supposed to do this so I will only say this last bit I forgot in my last post:
Intellegence and stealth: Jason, belive it or not is not dumb in some categories. He has trouble understanding supernatural stuff (ironicaly), but in jason X a normal Jason takes down a squad of space marines by stealth, even going after the sniper set to watch the team first. He also is able to not be seen or heard all the time in the movies. He also showed intellegence by the way of knowing to take the power out in buildings, and using lawn equipment and harpoons (to lethal effect).
He might not equal Ash but he is not compleatly stupid. So Jason is stronger than anyone Ash has ever faced? Yes. Is he always slow and lumbering? No. Is he compleatly stupid to the point Ash can use Jason's stupidity? No. So Ash will win on character shield? Yes.
The Toast Rider Writes:
You're kidding, right?
Okay, Jason did pretty good against Freddy Krueger. And he typically racks up a high body count against dimwitted horny teenagers who don't practice common sense.
Enter Ashley J. Williams. About the only thing he has in common with the above is the good sense bit, and that's arguable; he's always struck me as more unlucky than stupid. Granted, he's no rocket scientist, but he knows what to do -- and how to do it -- when the Deadites blow into town.
Sure, Jason's refusal to stay dead might stymie Ash temporarily -- until Ash renders the issue moot by simply immobilizing the super-Deadite through any number of tricks (my vote goes to 'park a tanker truck on top of Jason').
Then it's just a question of Ash stumbling around until he finds out how to dispose of Jason. Probably by chaining him up and dumping him back in his lake.
Game, set, match. And hail to the king, baby.
Jason X Writes:
I must grudgingly admit, that even in my super sleek Techno-Form, i havn't got a chance against the King. Because in the Future, he will have upgraded his Boomstick to the Smackdown-Stick 5000, and replaced his ancient old 20th century chainsaw with the patented new Monofiber Micro-Edge Chainsaw Z. And yay verily, mine arse will be most thoroughly spanked. I think I will go cry to my mommy now.
After Ash drops Jason. He's going to go to all you retards houses who say he's losing based on a COMPLETLEY DIFFRENT CHARACTER NAMED AFTER HIM! he's going to rock up on all of your mom's. Cause he's just that damn smooth ho's. Hail to the king bitches.
I look at the fight thusly: Jason is a movie monster. He's a popular one weighing in at 11 films and counting (ten jason films plus freddy vs jason), and yeah...he's unkillable...or he is? You see, while he's been in 11 filsm, he's also been DEFEATED by the "heroes" 11 times. Now let's look at Ash. He is clearly a horror movie hero, and thus cannon fodder right? I mean, don't they all die evntually (or in a sequel?) Well, that may be true of most...but not our man Ash. Sole Survivor of Evil Dead 1 and 2, AND kicking mucho ass in Army of Darkness (A.k.a Evil Dead 3), Ash is a true (and undefeated/not killed) ass kicking machine. So as far as fight records go, we have Jason at 1/11 (Hey he DID beat Freddy!), and Ash at 4/0 (One more because he's that damn good! ;)). Weapons? Machete versus Chainsaw and Shotgun. Advantage: Ash. Personlity...ah, do I really need to say who comes up trumps here? Frankly, the odds are so much in Ash's favour, I'm not surprised he current has an unbeatable lead. 'Hail to the king, baby!'
Jason? Bah! Jason was taken out by a 12 year old Corey Feldman.
Corey Feldman > Jason.
And, is anyone reallly gonna argue against the fact that
Ash > Corey Feldman?
The answer is appallingly obvious.
my name is secret Writes:
i'm tellin' you vote for jason
here's how it would go:
ash would shoot him a bunch of times,and when that doesn't he'll engage in hand-to-chainsaw combat'jason will break his hand then ash cuts off J's arm then get chopped up
Yeah, ok, Jason's unkillable. Big flippin' deal! Ash can make ammunition in a barn. Ash has a chainsaw for a hand. Where I come from, that trumps dead and big. Plus, Ash always gets his sugar. When was the last time you saw Jason get medevil poon-tang while preparing to take on hoards of demons? Never, I say.
Scooter Pie Writes:
Ok, let's look at each fighter's attributes:
Jason has the superior edge in strength and he has more stamina than Ron Jeremy on Viagra. But he's not exactly nimble and not very clever at all. He relies on his stamina to carry him through dangerous head-on attacks. He also relies on fear-factor. A scared opponent makes mistakes and is forced to flee. And then Jason hunts them down with the determination of a congressional pay-raise.
Ash has the advantages of creativity, finesse and speed. He also has the benefit of not being afraid of Jason, unlike most of his other victims. Ash has seen it all. In the S-mart arena, he'll be able to go MacGyver on Jason's ass, finding a myriad of ways to slice, dice, dismember and finally incinerate Jason.
Ash wins. Jason goes to Hell again.
Jason Fan Writes:
Okay yes, Ash will win the votes and the fight. Bruce Campbell has one of the biggest character shields in movie-dom, and is one of th near equals of Mr.T, Kurt, and The Duke.
But character shields aside he should get POUNDED. Jason is just way out of his league abilities wise.
Strenght: It is just plan nasty what Jason can do to the human body effortlessly with his superhuman strenght. Jason has even put his machette thru steel before as seen in the begining of Jason X.
Durability/Healing factor: First off Ash's shotgun is doing nothing to Jason. He shrugs shotgun blasts and rifle fire off before and heals in mid-stride.
Speed: Of course one would suspect that Ash should be able to dance around Jason. But honestly his reflex's have not been shown tobe that bad (With the possible exception of FvJ, but I could bring examples of superspeed in the real world for Freddy since the first nightmare). Compare that to when he throws a dart thru a policeman's eye in Friday 6.
So what could Ash really do? Of course he will win this but he really shouldn't. Jason can eat all of the shotgun blasts Ash is willing to give him and tear ash apart.
I would not pay eight-fifty to go see another Friday the 13th sequel. I WOULD, however pay eight-fifty to see another Evil Dead or Army of Darkness sequel. AND I'd no doubt buy some sort of Ash-themed memorabilia or T-shirt. My vote goes the same place my hypothetical twenty-seven-fifty goes.
It's this simple; Jason could have taken on Ash no trouble if he got to him in the woods while he was still going through the arse end of puberty on a camping trip with his buddies.
But those days are over, and Ash is a little older, alot wiser, and ain't quite the tender lamb fattened for the kill he once was.
In the space of a week (and lets face it folks, from the time they read from the book, to the time they open the portal to the 15th century, less than a week has passed), we see Ash turn from a sniveling coward, to the single greatest Hellspawn killer there is.
That was In 1983. Now that another 21 years have passed, and he still hasn't stopped, well....
Jason: Hail the the King, Baby.
Nick the Critick Writes:
HAHAHA oooooooo man....ok now i don't know enough about ash on account of being so unfortunate to not see that many Evil Dead movies....but i do know about Jason...Jason, as we all know, is nottorious for being the worlds SINGLE biggest cock-blocker...imagine living here in new jersey, minding yer own business, trying to cop a feel here or there....AND WAM!!!a machete cuts your arm off....now i absolutely hate Jason Voorhees....all he is, is simply a tank with a knife..no guns, no creativity, no showmanship.....NOW FREDDY....Freddy was screwed up even before becoming the Striped Reaper...you can even think logically...Jason is so scary and bad and huge...and o look out he has a knife...so scary..PSH..how many times has jason died? i don't care if he came back i wanna ask how many times he died....its around the 10 area...even in the crappiest un-horror movie ever Jason X, he got torn to peices by a robo-girl who did alot of un-necessary rolls and cartwheels(like jason is gonna counter one of them or something)...now i'll give him credit, he's one of the better slashers compared to that Shatner-mask-wearing Mike Meyers....but don't fuck with the devil,son....or in this case don't with Autolycus
The (no longer) Unpublished Solider Writes:
Ash? Ash? Hmmm...where have we seen THAT name before? Aha! Ash Ketchum from Pokemon! That Ash is a wimp, and got his ass handed to him by Kraven. Anyone who shares his name with HIM is doomed to lose.
Anthony W. Mori Writes:
Let's peruse the old CBUB back issues, shall we?
Now, way back when, Buffy the Vampire Slayer faced off against Dracula (and not the pretentious Buffyverse one either) at Camp Crystal Lake, home of, you guessed it Jason Voorhees. So he inevitably got involved. And what happened?
Buffy trashed him.
BUFFY SUMMERS beat the snot out of Jason.
Anyone who has even gone to the forums knows about how much Buffy loses to everyone in sight short of Janeway (even if it's partially due to bitter fanboys who have had their poor poor hearts ripped out by Season Six). And she beat Jason.
No matter how much I like the guy in the hockey mask, Ash takes this one and still has time to visit New York to crush poor Peter Parker's hopes of seeing Mary Jane in her play.
After about two hours (maybe an hour and a half) or hijinks, Ash is going to come out the winner here.
Ash may not be able to physically match what Jason has straight up, but that doesn't really matter.
Ash is quick. Ash is smart (WAY smarter than anyone Jason's fought with the exception of probably K-M). Ash is clever.
Most of all, Ash has a shotun that delivers UNGODLY damage. I mean holy crap, look at the some of the wounds that thing inflicts!
Now that alone wouldn't get it done against Jason. He could probably soak a body shot from Ash's shotgun.
However, Ash frequently makes headshots and I don't think the coconut of Mrs. Voorhees' baby boy can take one of those blasts, much less the seemingly unending supply of shots Ash has.
"Yo, hockey puck! Let's go."
Ash curbstomps Jason with a vengeance. Sure Jason gots some crazy-mad skillz, but he don't got no chance versus no Ash. First off, Ash isn't some hormone laden teen. He's a hormone laden man who has the experience to check under the bed or in the closet for things such as husbands, ex-boyfriends, zombies, etc. Second point, Ash has experience with evil weird shit that goes bump in the night. His answer for those things that would eat his soul or worse is his boomstick. Jason runs back to Crystal Lake crying to his momma in the fridge.
Callisto: AHHHH! Psycho Killer!
Harley Quinn: And this fight is ON! Yes, just the mere Hint that somebody might be getting some sugar in this fight has brough Jason out of the woodwork to punish them.
Callisto: Clown girl and I will now teleport from the ladies underthings asle here at S-Mart, up to the SportsBox. The SportsBox which hangs from the store celieng, above, gives us a great view of today's battle.
Harley Quinn: *BAMF*(TM) and here we are!
Callisto: Looking down now on the playing field...
Harley Quinn: ... people are stampeding to get out! Jason has already wacked a teenage couple in the sporting goods area.
Callisto: Ash sees the blood splattered asle. Jason, the hockey-masked herald of hack-n-slash stands amid the bloody carnage in Asle Twelve... Machette in hand.
Harley Quinn: Da' two seem to size each other up...
Harley Quinn: ...
Callisto: It's a Sergio Leone(TM) moment as these two eyeball each other across the store.
Harley Quinn: Ash spits.
Ash Williams: Yo hocky puck! Let's go.
Callisto: Both contestants explode into action!
Harley Quinn: Ash breaks, running left of Jason...
Callisto: ... Jason snaps his machette up and throws it overhand at Ash...
Harley Quinn: ... Ash jumps and rolls, clearing the woman's apparel section and dodging the flying machette!
Callisto: The airborne, whizzing machette slams into a panicked S-Mart shopper! Blood spews in a beautiful technicolor dream as the shopper almost explodes from the impact!
Harley Quinn: Gee, that's pretty graphic, isn't it?
Callisto: Consider the source material for this fight.
Harley Quinn: Ah, well there is that.
Callisto: Jason smashes a glass display case beside him... retrieves from it a brand new S-Mart machette!
Harley Quinn: Ash Williams tumbles across a main walkway in the store and comes up in the Guns and Ammo section!
Callisto: Jason has lost sight of Ash ...
Harley Quinn: ...Ummm... Callisto? Don't you mean that Ash has lost sight of Jason?
Callisto: Why, yes, Clown Girl. Jason does seem to have a strange power to suddenly show up right beside a person from out of nowhere.
Harley Quinn: Ash is grabbin' a sawed-off shotgun from behind the guns counter.
Callisto: Yeah, baby, it's the S-Mart special. He's gotta fistfull o' Boomstick now.
Harley Quinn: YIKES!
Callisto: From out of NOWHERE Jason pops up next to Ash and swings the machette.
Harley Quinn: Ash reflexively drops to the floor, having caught Jason in his peripheral vision! The machette swings harmlessly past where his neck used to be.
Ash Williams: Oh, yeah? Blow.
Callisto: Ash jabs his Shotgun into Jason's belly and pulls the trigger!
Harley Quinn: Ba-Boom! Jason is picked up and thrown across Sporting Goods from the concussive force!
Callisto: Wham! Jason hits the floor and skids across the polished linoleum - right into the netting of a hocky goal display!
Harley Quinn: Ah, the delicious iroy.
Ash Williams: Score one for the man carrying a gun, moron.
Callisto: Ash might have this one in the bag... But No! Jason begins to get up!
Harley Quinn: Ash knows his deadites and he knows it's gonna take more than one blast to keep Jason down.
Callisto: Ash quickly reloads the double-barrel as Jason ponderously gets to his feet.
Harley Quinn: Ba-LAM!! Ash gives Jason a full double-barrel blast in the face this time!
Callisto: Jason jerks backwards and hits the floor again! Jason's face is now a mask of shredded plastic and blood.
Ash Williams: Groovy.
Harley Quinn: Ash takes off at run... he's heading to the S-Mart hardware department ...
Callisto: ... Ah, I don't know why he's running. Jason looked to be in pretty bad shape... Hey, where's Jason?
Harley Quinn: Jason has gone and disappeared again.
Callisto: Ash makes it to Hardware, bashes a case and pulls out a massive Chainsaw!
Harley Quinn: Vroom-Vroom! He starts it up...
Callisto: WATCH OUT!
Harley Quinn: Jason behind Ash... pops up out of nowhere again!
Callisto: Ash doesn't see the ghoulish goalie from hell...
Harley Quinn: ... Jason swings his pig-sticker...
Callisto: Oh My God!
THE FINAL VOTE
Ash Williams: 815
Jason Voorhees: 408
THE WRAP UP
Callisto: At the last moment, Ash spins and chainsaws!
Harley Quinn: Catching Jason's extended machette arm! it goes flying!
Callisto: As Ash chainsaws back with the reverse stroke...
Harley Quinn: catching Jason's other arm! It goes flying!
Callisto: God he's hot when he hacks up bodies with a chainsaw.
Harley Quinn: Oh he's dreamy! Dibbs!
[Visit Current Battle] [See Back Issues]
Related CBUB Fights:
Ash vs. Duke Nukem
Overlook Hotel vs. Amityville House
Regan McNeil (The Exorcist) vs. Carrie (Steven King)
Godzilla vs. The Crocodile Hunter
"Callisto" is the property of Renaissance Pictures, MCA TV.
"Harley Quinn" is the property of DC comics.
Jason Voorhees (TM) is the property (c) of ... ?
Ash (TM) is the property (c) of Renaissance Pictures, I think
This webpage makes no claims and attempts no infringement... this is just for fun.