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Martial Mayhem - Round Three!

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ISSUE #145

Planet of the Apes vs. Star Trek Away Team

The CBUB's 2nd Annual Horror for Halloween Slugfest All month long in October '98.

SOUL    POSSESSION
Regan En Guarde! Carrie

Regan MacNeil
vs.
Carrie White

THE SCENARIO

"Regan... the baby-sitter is here!"

"The sow is mine. She will die."

"That's nice dear. This is Carrie, from down the street. You behave for her while I am gone, Regan dear."

"AAhhhh-gghhhlllthhhp"

"She's just going through a phase right now, Carrie. She'll be good once she settles down. You two get along, and I'll see you later!"

THE SPORTS BOX

PAT:   We're waiting for our before-the-fight interview with Sideline Commentator Harley Quinn. Unfortunately we have received no word on her yet. I hope she didn't fall into a black hole that apparently consumed our previous long-time sideline commentator Frank Williams.

JAY:   Are you implying something Pat?

PAT:   You could say...

door:   SLAM!!!!

JAY:   Quinn! What are you doing here? You got an interview...

Harley Quinn:   Forget it! I just had a little get together with the nightmare twins. Here's a quick recap for you... Here. lemme see that.

PAT:   That's my mineral water.

Harley Quinn:   I says 'Hello Regan, how are you feeling?' She says... oh wait, lemme get a sip of this... She says 'Phho - toi!!!'

JAY:   It went that well huh?

PAT:   Jay, your pet sideline commentator just spit water all over me.

Harley Quinn:   Ya, except see gives me the green chunky stuff. And then I says 'Hi Carrie... How did it feel offing most of your classmates?'

JAY:   uh-oh...

Harley Quinn:   And the little tramp spins me around the room like a top! Nobody spins me like a top but Mr. J. Got it? So if you gentlemen don't mind I had enough for one weekend and Iím outta here! BABIES!!

door:   SLAM!!!!

JAY:   At least she left her Hyenas outside this time.

PAT:   ... Jay?

JAY:   Ya Pat?

PAT:   What did you do with Frank?

JAY:   uhhh... Look Pat! Mail!

YOUR OPINIONS

Favorite letter of the Week

The Devil (As written through the hand of Jimmy Delpino) writes:

That's right. Me. The Devil. Old Cloven Hoof himself. I just wanna say one thing. Regan has got it in the bag. Carrie is just outclassed. I don't give a rat's ass how powerful a telekinetic or pyrokinetic you are. No puny ass human can beat me! That's right, ME! No minions, no underlings, no imps, just raw satanic power. I'm not gonna let some wet behind the horns mini demon do my job. So I'm gonna give you fair warning Carrie, I will not hesitate to seriously F#$& your S%$#@ up. Back out NOW!

Don't make me go medieval on your girly little ass.

Robotech Master writes:

Regardless of Regan's utter freakness, I believe that Carrie has the power to tear the possessed girl up. Telekinesis will give Carrie the ability to use anything around her as a weapon. Forget using guns or knives, Carrie could use heavy or sharp objects to chop bodies to pieces or crush the bones of her opponent.


Trantor writes:

Well let's see what we've got here:

We have a disgruntled teenager whose over-reacting hormones, lead her to douse everyone at her prom in blood... Oh, my goodness! I mean just imagine the poor unsuspecting youngsters at the dance will be scared for the rest of their lives, their hopes and dreams vanished, their illusions of a beautiful evening swept away. Now if the blood would have been that of the other students (and a gratuitous display of flying body parts everywhere... then maybe)

And we have a young child possessed by the big guy from down bellow himself. Now this kid could turn her head around (much scarier than a little blood any day of the week) As soon as Carrie tries her little tricks, we're gonna see those demon eyes flair and have one baby-sitter crushed against the wall, like so much Play-Dough!

Definitely Carrie is going down and no matter how bad "Repossed" was, Regan is gonna kick some butt!


HooperX writes:

Gotta go with Carrie. Why? Carrie's mom. Carrie's mom is like, super-Jesus Toastie. Carrie's picked some of it up. Regan starts babbling about demons and stuff, and Carrie's gonna grab up a set of ginsu(TM) knives and make Regan look like an old-ass colander. After this, Carrie'll send a bigass crucifix right into Regan's possessed brain.

One other thing: Regan is possessed, Carrie isn't. All of Carrie's powers are a latent telekinesis. In theory, Carrie could just blow up Regan's head.


Justicar writes:

Blood and puke when on parade, as it will be in this confrontation, is a sick sight to behold. Yet, when its over, Regan's blood drenched visage is going to emerge.

BTW... DON'T YOU GUYS DARE PUT MY BELOVED HARLEY ANYWHERE NEAR THAT BLOODFEAST!!! Oh yeah... if anyone mentions K-MART I will feed you all to K Cafe clientele!

Regan wins this battle on three fronts: Mystic / Demonic power, Movie credentials and Personal Charisma...

Paranormal advantage: Regan is being controlled by Pazuzu. A pretty freakin powerful demon. It took a human sacrifice and a master exorcist to drive her out with some serious Holy Rollin'. Carrie is just a freak! That's all that little hussy is... The preceding is what Carrie had to deal with all her life. Pazuzu is trapped in the torments of Hell. I think Paz is a bit more pissed. Paz is a demon, Carrie's a psychic. Paz gets into a victims mind and soul, Carrie needs her mind to fight. Paz will get into head and shut off the lights. Throwing a table aint gonna work. Strangling Regan aint gonna do squat when she can twist her neck 360! So Carrie is outgunned.

Movie Power: The Exorcist is a classic of the genre that really shook a lot of people. Plus it had Max Von Sidow, one the coolest actors to grace this lump-a-dirt. Carrie may have been a great book, but like all King books it didn't translate well to the movies. Plus the movie contains hacks like Spacek, Travolta and *quiver* William Katt. Ooo... that's power, feh!

Charisma Factor: To paraphrase an ancient David Lee Roth video, "She's got car-azz-ma!". Crotch-grabbin Regan really spun that Latin. The scars and pea soup puke just puts her into any Hades centerfold. The scrawny and stringy Carrie is quite flat (Literally esp. compared to Blair ^_-). Her whining drawl and bucket o' A Positive is not inspiring at all.

So like **drumroll**... William Katt's "Carrie to G.A.H. to House" spiraling downward in welfare cheese career, Carrie is gonna die an excruciating death!!!


Yugadesrial writes:

Frightening. All I know is I couldn't sleep after both movies and that's saying something for me. The Exorcist was scarier but let's face it Carrie played alongside such cool people as Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and even Chewie! C'mon! Forget about exorcising the demon out of Regan. As the old saying goes "You want your arms ripped out of their sockets? Wookies are know to do that ya know." And what does any demon have over the Force powers of Luke or the diehard wit of Han. Carrie wins this just because of the company she hangs with.

Editors Note: O.K, well you got me. When did Sissy Spacek meet Chewie?


Polar 8 writes:

Holy crap this is going to be a bloody fight. This is going to be close. Both of these people are super violent and deeply psychologically disturbed. I personally think though that Carrie will over power the little twerp and make her bleed like she has never bled before. I mean Carrie is #$#@$#$% powerful. But all that is certain is that there will be a lot of blood around after the fight.


Rabid Monkey writes:

I gotta agree that Exorcist scared the shit out of me too. I was haunted and didn't want to watch it until it came on at one in the AFTERNOON, only recently was I able to realize that it was just a movie then I saw that there was a Special Edition with even more creepy outtakes that might have landed my ass in a nuthouse. What did Carrie do? She put up with John Travolta. 'nuff said.


Lemur writes:

Now, you'd -think- a demon would prove a heck of a lot more powerful than some psychic teenager (unless, of course, we're talking anime; but we ain't).

Looking at the two movies, though, the demon inhabiting little Regan is almost all talk. It's only real advantage over the priests in conflict with it was its residence in the body of an innocent. That's no protection against Carrie, however. When threatened and pissed off enough (and indeed, threatening and pissing off are what Regan's demon does best), Carrie will take innocent lives like a force of nature.

Prediction: Regan will vomit and swear and toss a few pots and pans around, scaring the hell out of her hapless baby-sitter . . . until the teen is finally pushed over the edge, and Regan's mortal form is destroyed in a psychokinetic holocaust. Of course, the demon itself will be unharmed, and could presumably inhabit Carrie's body after Regan's is destroyed. Assuming, of course, that Carrie's powers don't include some sort of psychic defense.


Dougan writes:

Hmm...tough one to call. I admit I don't have all the facts on Carrie, but I know that Exorcist changed a lot of peoples minds about Catholics. But despite whatever demon is inside their bodies at the time, she's got the endless font of little girl energy that will give her the endurance she'll need.


WolfBayne writes:

Ok Lets face it here its basically supernatural Verses The Devil. Hmm I donít know about you But my vote has to go with Regan I mean come on here she has Satan on her side. But then again Iím not sure if id rather have a goat or the dark prince after me so who knows.


RobF writes:

The Exorcist was scary, I'll admit that, but Carrie was just plain twisted! I mean, that twisted b!#&% killed EVERYONE at her prom! Talk about anger-management problems! As soon as that green puke gets on Carrie's dress, she'll flip out and blow Regan to Hell faster than you can say "Hey! It's only pea soup!" Regan is just an innocent little girl under the control of a demon, while Carrie is an elemental force of nature! Any psychic who can trash a prom, blow up a car, force a person to stab themselves repeatedly with a knife, and then have enough energy left to cause a 3-story house to implode is more than a match for Regan.


Lady Alhana Brightblade writes:

Puh-Lease!!!!!!!!! Is there even any doubt?!?!?!?!? That Exorcist chick has the power Lucifer himself! The only way that Carrie could win is if Jesus Christ descended from skies and struck Regan down with bolts of lightning or something. And Regan is way creeper than Carrie. The Exorcist almost made me pee my pants like scared puppy. What can be scarier than being possessed by the Devil?


Mr. Silverback writes:

Unable to stomach the thought of losing to a cheesy franchise like the Exorcist movies, Steven King will send all of his characters to back Carrie. With the Dark Man, The Gunslinger, The Firestarter, Pennywise, Christine, a one-eyed werewolf, Springheel Jack, a billion cockroaches, curse-wielding gypsies, Dolores Claiborne, and The Shop gunning for her just for starters, Regan is in what is technically known as deep doo-doo. Besides, she'll probably be dead from the Captain Trips plague long before Carrie and her posse arrive.

Bag her, tag her and bury her face down.


faust writes:

This was a tough one for me, but I went with Carrie. The thing is that Regan from the exorcist was protected by her child host body. No one wanted to harm the host Regan, especially the priests who were there to save a soul. Once the demon starts to doing its thing and starts to terrify Carrie watch out. Her alter ego will take over and any thing not nailed down will race towards Regan at mach. If the fight takes place in a kitchen it will be messy. Carrie doesnít care about the host just that the child is "evil". Given carries background is religion she will kill the child and destroy the house killing herself because of the guilt.


The Bunyip writes:

Regan's got it - specifically because everyone knows that in the Comic Realms, the baby-sitter MUST lose! How else could equally evil types as Dennis the Menace and Bart Simpson have survived?

But it's a pyrrhic victory - the parents come home to find the entire house filled with blood, bile, and all those other body fluids that filmmakers use when they know their plot isn't scary enough in and of itself (which is how many horror flicks, hm?). They find Regan floating on her bed atop the sludge, arm in arm with Beetlejuice, who finally got over that darned Winona wench and found his true, er, "soul mate"

The parents immediately call the Ghostbusters (the original ones, not those numbnut PC group of teenagers on that new cartoon), and all the nasties run away, knowing that no one fights slimy things like Vehnkmann and Ray.

Regan's demon tries to take over Ray, but fails when he realizes that Ray just isn't a very good vessel (hey, it didn't work for Vigo, either...)

The movie ends with everyone running out of the house, and it disappearing into the night in a gale of wind, like in Poltergeist.

Then Elvira comes in, complains that even she can't stand such a bad plot, and our viewers wisely turn off the television.


Sonic Hunter writes:

Anybody who channels the power of a demon AND can spin their head a full 360 degrees is a winner in my book.


Horror Man writes:

I think Regan will win, because despite Carrie's telekinetic / psychokinetic / whatever-the-hell-you-wanna-call-it power, Carrie is just a mere mortal...although you gotta admit, she IS a terror when she's pissed, like after pig's blood in the face at the prom. Pig's blood...ewwww.


The Brain writes:

I just gotta go with Carrie with this one. Sure, the Exorcist was a freaky movie, but Stephen King can write something much scarier with his eyes closed. Hell, he wouldn't even need a pen - he'd just use blood! Anyhoo, Carrie can fling things across the room just as well as Regan, but she seems to have a very short temper. If this is after the book/movie Carrie (never mind she dies, this is an alternate universe and she never did), then the moment Regan gets ANYTHING on Carrie's clothing, (and I use a quote from my favorite TV cook, Emeril Legasse) BAM!!! Regan'll croak faster than a frog in a french restaurant.


Charles Martin writes:

Hmmm... PSI power versus demonic possession... faith or science... I'm goin' with Carrie here - why? She's still got full control of anything that happens to her - no otherworldly demons. I think that'll translate out to sheer ass-kicking ability - and Carrie doesn't have to be anywhere near the ass she's gonna kick.


Carnibavore writes:

I remember the first time I saw the Exorcist..., it scared the living shit out of me. I mean ME, the guy who slept through Friday the 13th, had pleasant dreams after seeing Nightmare on Elm Street, laughed his ass off at Titanic, and was strangely turned on by Carrie. The only person to scare me as badly is Christopher Walkenís, the Demon that Darkseid prays to. May whatever god(s) there are grant mercy on Carrie's soul.


Karkadinn writes:

First of all, let me say that this is a very frightening battle. I wouldn't be anywhere in the vicinity for any amount of money. Secondly, Carrie is going to lose. Carrie may have power, but in terms of fright ability and in sheer raw evilness, she loses out to everyone's favorite demon-possessed kid. Besides, since when has raw power been effective in getting rid of demons? And Carrie ain't got a priest to held her out here...


Shylock writes:

The Exorcist was a pretty scary movie but a pissed off woman is scarier. Bullshit you say? Let's just think of some cases where pissed off women have done serious damage: a women gets mad at her husband and glues his butt-cheeks together, we all know about Lorraina Bobbett's knife wielding escapades, and look at uber-babe Callisto, she is angry woman incarnate. As the old saying goes, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, especially when you kill her date and pour pigs' blood all over her.


Neofelis nebulosa writes:

Hmmm... Regan's impressive, I'll grant you that. She is possessed by the Almighty Evil One, her head spins like a barstool, she pukes green soup, and she levitates. But when you get right down to it, it's all show that scares the really religious folk like those priests. Now, Carrie has had ONE TWISTED religious upbringing. She also has incredible TK powers and could probably bring about Armageddon with a hard stare. Her Momma kept telling Carrie she was a devil-child and should be destroyed, and Carrie killed her. Now Carrie meets an ACTUAL devil-child; she's not going to run, she's going to get medieval on Regan's possessed carcass. Regan, remember, is mostly just scary; Carrie's the one with all the kickass force at her command. I say Regan will make a face at Carrie and then Carrie will embed an entire set of Ginsu knives in her. No contest.


WhereWolf writes:

After conversing with associates on the matter, I finally cast my vote for Carrie... Sure, Regan had that whole demon-possession thing goin', but Carrie has more control, and can take an 'ell of a lot more abuse before finally letting loose on Regan and twistin' her goofy little head off like a bottlecap.


Lurch writes:

Carrie's mother was some religious freak, so Carrie would know the signs that a Demon was around, so Regan has no chance for surprise. Further, With her Telekinesis, she can easily escape anything that Regan tries to trap her in. Since Regan just has a stupid demon, Carrie can trap her in the TV and torch the place!.


Shark writes:

Let me tell you, Regan is one NASTY little possessed girl. You don't have to throw punch on her to get her pissed! The way I see it, Regan will be doing finger-paints with Carrie's blood before bedtime.


Thrawn writes:

Carrie has the power of telekinesis to back her up so I think she will win. Regan can freak people out, but just look at Carrie White, Do you really think that she could be freaked out. Not with powers like hers. By using her telekinetic powers, Carrie could just use her mind to rip Regan's body apart.


slade the sniper writes:

Carrie all the way. It's sort of the old power vs. determination thing. The little girly demon wants to possess people and do stupid people tricks to impress all his buddies in Hell. After he's through] playing "barf up green crap" he might actually think about fighting. Carrie, my (wo)man, doesn't have the patience to play with weak little girly demon, and will square that little brat away right quick! She's already all tied up, so Carrie is just going to set her on fire and see if that head can be unscrewed... Little Regan "dead meat" Demon is going down minus her little twisty head.


Rodlyman writes:

It's not a question of power, but of weakness. Regan has a whole slew of weaknesses- for instance, Carrie can TK her demonic ass into a church, or drive a cross into her.


ticktockman writes:

The similarities this weeks contestants and my last two girlfriends not withstanding, this is definitely a tough match to call. Personal experience tells me that this battle comes down to one thing: The Rage. Having spent plenty of time on the receiving end of The Rage, I know it when I see it. Carrie has it, Regan doesn't. Period.

Ever heard that old saying about "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"? 'Nuff said. Regan might be possessed by demons from Hell, but so what? They were guy demons. Carrie, on the other hand, was possessed by something far more powerful. Carrie was possessed by estrogen. That's right, Carrie was The Rage incarnate bundled into the body of a post-pubescent teenage girl. Anyone out there in CBUB land ever try dodging dishes thrown by a pissed-off woman? Carrie is telekinetic - she can throw plates solely with her mind. Any guy hat's ever dated knows that, although humans ordinarily only use 10% of their brain, women use the other 90% to remember, file and catalog every little thing that you ever did wrong and then fire it back at you right when you least expect it! Give a woman telekinetic ability, too? Sorry, but there aren't enough plates in my pantry to even BEGIN to assuage that kind of anger.

Personally, I'd take my chances against all the collected hordes of Hades any day rather than face an angry, telekinetic woman. In this battle, I see Carrie beating Regan into pulp without breaking a sweat and then pulling a Lorena Bobbit on every unlucky b@$t@rd with a Y-chromosome within a 10-mile radius.

THE BATTLE

JAY:   We're at Regan's parents home and it's almost bed time for little Regan. I see trouble coming between this kid and the baby-sitter, Pat.

Carrie:   Get your ass off the ceiling and get into bed you little brat!

Regan:   AyyyythhhpthGhhhhk!

PAT:   eew! Jay, she's dripping....

JAY:   Carrie isn't impressed at all, Pat. She'll have to clean it up.

Carrie:   Last warning, don't make me come up there!

PAT:   Regan suddenly falls and hits the bed! God... what's with her face. Wait...

Regan:   Stupid sow. You have no power over meeegggkkkthhhptoi!

JAY:   Oh-oh. Show down time.

Carrie:   Maybe... but I have power over that dresser.

Regan:   Uh...

PAT:   Carrie uses TK to grab the dresser and float it over Reganís head! Wow, the demon inside does not look happy with this turn of events....

Regan:   You wouldn't hurt this child, witch.

JAY:   This is going ugly! Regan is starting the head spinning thing... Boy, that kid must get dizzy at times. Wait she's stopping... She looks different.

PAT:   My God, Jay! Regan is going to use the ol' 'Demon Personality Switch' Ploy!

Regan:   Carrie? Carrie? Carrie, this is your Mother. You are an unwholesome child Carrie... the devils own....

JAY:   Carrie is doing the bug-eyed thing... Wait she had this look before... when she killed all her classmates! Furniture in the room is shaking...

PAT:   Bad strategy, channeling Carrie's mother like that. Carrie's fuse is lit!

JAY:   Ow! Carrie slammed Regan up into the ceiling with her weird mental powers! The impact cracked plaster!!

PAT:   And follows by slamming the dresser she was levitating into her, too! What a hit!

JAY:   Regan, still pressed into the ceiling, is slammed again by the dresser!

PAT:   Jay... Regan is dripping again... Yuck!

JAY:   Carrie is slowly lowering the dresser with the slightly crushed Regan. So far, the demon child is making a mess more than anything Pat.

PAT:   But if there is one thing the demon child can do... it's take punishment....

Regan:   You will die pig-girl. You will ...uuuurk!!!!

JAY:   Carrie grabs the brat by the throat.

Carrie:   Shutup and go to bed!!

PAT:   Look out!!! Oh my!! green vomit sprays in a beautiful stream all over Carrie's clothes. Jay, we know what happens when somebody messes up Carrie's pretty clothes don't we?

JAY:   Yes I do Pat. I'm getting ready to take cover. Carrie eyes are almost ready to pop out of their sockets. Wait! Regan is floating up into the air... I can only guess what an enraged Carrie is going to do.

Regan:   Put me down, Bitch!

PAT:   OH! Carrie just used her TK to rip one of Reganís pasty arms off!!! Oh the humanity! The humanity!

Carrie:   Don't talk back to me!

JAY:   Oh my! I don't believe... Carrie is starting to beat Regan over the head with her own severed arm! This is isn't a match Pat, it's a massacre!

PAT:   Oh, what a spectacle! Wait... there's somebody at the bedroom door... who...

Exorcist:   I am here to see the child... oh!


Carrie:   Don't worry. It's being handled. It's bedtime, you know.

THE FINAL VOTE

'Nuff Said!

FINAL VOTE:

Carrie: 306

Regan: 260

THE WRAP UP

PAT:   Well, what a show. I wonder if Carrie will still get paid.

JAY:   I don't know. What's the cost of re-attaching an arm, anyway?

Pictures for this weeks big fight came from:

House of Horrors: The Exorcist.

Carrie Pictures.

DISCLAIMER / NOTICE:

Carrie (TM) is the property (c) of Stephen King

The Exorcist (TM) is the property (c) of (?)

This webpage makes no claims and attempts no infringement... this is just for fun.

CBUB: The Comic Book Universe Battles