 | Jordan Kennedy, cybernetic girl super-genius, first started out in Khazan's weapons-of-mass-destruction biz at the sweet young age of nine. Already having developed an IQ in the five digit range and completed her first particle accelerator, Jordan began her career building things like Ion cannons and power armor for mercenaries and some members of the Marauders who didn't have the resources to afford Crazy Abdul's high priced tools of mayhem. Soon news that a little girl working out of her parent's basement was starting to cut into their sales reached the multidimensiona artillery firm, Kill-O-Matic BIGG GUNNS. They immediately offered her a position in their design department after seeing a demonstration of Jordan's latest invention, the weapon teleporter. (it's actually a pretty funny story, some psycho tried to use one of Jordan's teleportation units on Whiplash Smile's underwear- um...no. Wait, the judge said that I'm not allowed to tell that story ever again) At KOMBG, Jordan was eventually promoted to head weapon designer due to her amazing brilliance and creativity at finding new ways to make things not exist anymore; (that and all her co-workers kept blowing up for some odd reason.) and was also put in charge of making sure that the company's pet guinea pig *cough* I mean "spokesperson", Joe Bigg Gunns, always had a bigger blaster than the other guy. But, Jordan and KOMBG just wasn't meant to be, after a nasty lawsuit over who really owned the patent rights to Jordan's teleportation technology; she left to start her own development company:"Jordantech". Unfortunately, just because a person is smart enough to invent an explosive powerful enough to collapse a star, doesn't mean they can run a business. Jordantech went bankrupt after only three months, leaving Jordan jobless and ruined in the industry, a complete wash-out at the ripe old age of fourteen. Thanks, in part, to the viscous (though, mostly true) rumors and lies started by KOMBG to discredit her; no one would hire her. Jordan was forced to make ends meet by doing pathetic, minimum wage work, like constructing Poke'balls for Team Rocket, and performing oil changes on the Power Rangers' Zords.(yep, all 2,960 of them) It was during this sad point in her young life that Jordan met the only person that considered being hated by Kill-O-Matic BIGG GUNNS to be plus in a new employee; Ramon, founder of LOTMU Labs. (KOMBG's long time competitor) The immortal League of The Mentally Unstable member was happy to take Jordan on as part of his small, but highly skilled staff of insane mad scientists. (particularly, since Jordan had zero other job prospects and thus, couldn't demand much in the way of salary) Although she soon adjusted to Ramon's "unique" business philosophy and has since come up with some truly incredible innovations at the small company; due to the lack of funding at LOTMU Labs (Ramon's a bit of a cheap bastard...no offense, of course) Jordan can no longer afford to buy labs animals to test her latest products on. (those damn war orphans are expensive!) This has forced her to try out these possible dangerous UNTESTED weapons herself (be afraid) by using them in the Khazan arena. Here is just a small selection of the devices Jordan has made for LOTMU Labs' fall assortment... |
 | | Strength: | Standard Normal human strength. | Agility: | Standard Normal human agility. | | Body: | Standard Normal human endurance. | Mind: | Ultimate Godlike intellect.
Undecipherably complex thought patterns. |
 | The M.T.S.L.A.T.S. 5.5 |
- Power: Marksman
- Level:Supreme
- Weakness: Power in Item -Hard to Loseitem
The long range Make Them Stop Living Automatic Targeting System 5.5 (LOTMU Labs catalog # 38201-3A) Our deluxe infrared targeting system package with optional cybernetic hook-up. (Sold separately) It has a maximum operational targeting range of 50,000 ft, (your range may very) multiple lock-on acquisition capability, and an advanced Pentium-based processor driven friend-or-foe recognition program. (we swear we got all the bugs out of it in this year's model :) The MTSLATS is available in chrome, gunmetal gray, non-reflective black, and *new* turtle shell. "Sure, there's plenty of other targeting systems on the market, but I guarantee ours is the only one made with love." (Ramon, president of LOTMU Labs) Call for pricing and availability.
 | Kiss-My-Bullet-Proof-Arse 99 |
- Power: Force Field
- Level:Supreme
- Kit Power Link: Inventor
- Reinforced Defenses Defense blocks Armor Piercing attacks.
- Weakness: Power in Item -Hard to Loseitem
- Weakness: Limited Uses -Multi-Use
T.K.M.B.P.A. Personal Defense Field Generator 99 (LOTMU Labs catalog # 48617-4L) What's that you say, ladies? You need the kind of protection that only heavy body armor can provide, but hate the way it bulges under your skin-tight SpywomanÃÂÃÂ brand leather jumpsuit (see page 48) or how you can never find one in a color that matches that new dress you just bought? Well then, have you ever considered a personal force field generator as an alternative to those bulky, un-sexy battle suits? With the new Kiss-My-Bullet-Proof-Arse Personal Defense Field Generator 99, now you can make even your skimpiest super heroine outfit protective as full body BoomerÃÂÃÂ power armor. Order now, and LOTMU Labs will include this matching designer belt and carrying case for free. (Note: LOTMU Labs assumes no responsibility for burns or injuries due to improper use. IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP: Always use genuine LOTMU LabsÃÂÃÂ brand Force Field Recharge Packs. Bootleg recharge packs have been known to cause serious injury. LOTMU Labs accepts no responsibility for injuries caused by using bootleg recharge packs and will not help relocate refugees!)
 | Bootleg KOMBG WeaponTeleporter |
- Power: Weapons Creation
- Level:Supreme
- Kit Power Link: Inventor
- Ranged Attack Attack usable at a distance (only).
- Armor Piercing This attack ignores normal defenses which are not Reinforced.
- Weakness: Power in Item -Hard to Loseitem
- Weakness: Limited Uses -Multi-Use
Bootleg KOMBG Weapon Teleporter (LOTMU Labs catalog# XXXXX-XX) Now, unfortunately Kill-O-Matic BIGG GUNNS still retain exclusive rights to teleportation technology so we can not legally make, sell, or distribute such a product. BUT if you should happen to send us your address and credit card number (hint, hint) and one just happens to show up in your mailbox, well we'd have nothing to do with it. And should one happen to show up; it would probably be this model... The G.I.C.U. II Ordnance Teleportation System, one of the most dependable models ever made. It's capable of transporting anything you load into the teleporter's home base unit directly to the handy portable wrist transponder and into your waiting hands. It works on just about any type of weapon, plasma cannons, laser rifles, artillery launchers; hand-held livestock catapults (page 321), anything. Selection controls can be set on automatic, random selection, or connected to a separate computer control system for custom weapon selection. (see item below) Once again, to repeat, we DO NOT sell any such item and have NO connection to the Khazan Black market... none.
 | The prototype A.S.T.AS |
- Power: Tactician
- Level:Supreme
- Weakness: Power in Item -Hard to Loseitem
The prototype Achilles Strategic Threat Assessment Scanner (LOTMU Labs catalog #81224-12) LOTMU Labs, the mutiverse's most demented manufacturer of ground breaking devices for home, office, or killing field is proud to present the Achilles Strategic threat Assessment Scanner, dubbed "The Castrator" by it's developer. (trust us, we're trying to get her to change the name she picked) It can scan any sort of target and determine it's main weakness and then decide the best way to exploit it. Such as if the A.S.T.A.S. was connected to some sort of weapon teleporter (sold separately) it could instruct the teleporter to transport whatever device would have the most effect on the scanned subject. The scanner can also generate strategic plans of attack and monitor a wide array of conditions on the battlefield. Nothing could be handier to have for those "David and Goliath" situations than one of these babies. (Available Summer 2000, reserve yours today)
 | Inventor |
Atomic Genius ColaÃÂÃÂ (LOTMU Labs catalog # 74212-1X) This pharmaceutical/soft drink marvel unleashes the power of the atom (and caffeine!) to super-accelerate the mind. Atomic Genius ColaÃÂÃÂ provides the drinker with a vast boost to their intellect far beyond normal human limits. The most difficult logic puzzles or complex inventions become child's play. Amazing scientific innovations become possible thanks to this refreshing delight. Not available in stores; if you're crazy (and caffeine addicted) enough to want to try some of this ice-cold nuclear wonder call LOTMU Labs at 1-800-NOT-RITE today! Operators are standing by. (Surgeons General's Warning: possible side effects include hypertension, nervousness, diminished moral capacity, and can possibly cause head to swell to giant light bulb shape. This product contains Plutonium; which has been determined to cause brain cancer in laboratory humans... err... rats... yes laboratory rats.)
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