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Bad Fanfiction Hunter: Z
"Just stop. Right there." The darkly clad Z seemed to come from nowhere. He spoke to Glitter. "Now, think. Why in the world would all these boys spontanously throw off all former love and affections to worship you? Even the MAIN CHARCTER, just forgetting the orginal romantic subtext and falling in love with someone he's known for a total of three SECONDS?"
Z shook his head, while Glitter seemed ready to cry. "Now, Miss Happykitty32, I don't know you. But I have a question. Why do you have to be in every single story that you write? It's un-freaking-original, that's what it is. I bet you don't look a thing like your avatar here. I bet you're just a pimply little 13-year-old with scraggily hair, with a crush on some 9th grade dreamboat you don't have a chance of getting. Find different ways of bolstering your dumb self-esteem than having prepubsecent wizards fall in love with you because of stupid unique talents. Polymorphing into a cat? Girl, I met three girls last month who could turn into dragons. That doesn't attract me at all."
As Z left, leaving Glitter sobbing and confused boys, Z muttered, "Fucking Mary Sues...so many of them in here, they should get their own tower..."
"Hold up there, Davey," said Z, putting a hand on David's forehead to stop him. "What possible good can come from you going into that game? Best-case scenario, you manage to have a bunch of moronic adventures, get home again and lose the love you found in there, worst-case, you die."
"Gah...well...I never really--" said David.
"Of course you didn't," replied Z. "Now here," he said, closing the televison's portal. "You just sit here and play your stupid video games like a normal person. (Yeah, like you are one.)"
As an afterthought, Z says, "Oh, and don't just play video games when your parents are out. Don''t you have any freaking imagination?"
"Oh, oh...just oh," said Z, covering one eye and part of the other with his hand. "You know, this is wrong beyond belief. Just...wrong."
Z could only try to avert his gaze at the lemon scene still going on as he spoke. "I know it's said in the freaking series, at least it isn't a completly senseless pairing, but... still, why do we need to even see this, for crying out loud? It's freaking obscene. We can just switch to the next morning, and not go through the sex scene, right?"
Z pointed, and the two lovers fell asleep. But it was not the next morning, and they did not wake up.
"Oh, for the love of GOD!" yelled Z. "This was a Porn Without Plot fic, wasn't it? That was the full extent of the stupid action?" Z walked off. "I don't know why I even bothered with this one."
"Just THINK!" yelled Z, stepping in front of Speedy. "This isn't the universe you live in! Robotcityopolis isn't a ghost city, the world isn't a post-apocolyptic nightmare where squirrels are raped in the streets, and YOU'RE not a freaking vigilante, Speedy!"
As Speedy suddenly re-saw his world the way it was, a campy platformer, Z yelled to him, "and try to reemember this the next time someone thinks that they could make your world better. It makes myjob a hell of a lot easier."
"Whoa now, big shot!" aaid Z, grabbing one of Piro's weapons. "First off, we're in what appears to be feudal China here. Why the hell does your little orginal character here have a fucking assult rifle?"
"And the sword," he continued, "where in the world could you have gotten this stupid thing? If it's the most powerful sword in the world, HOW DID YOU GET IT? And besides, I believe the series is named after Outieyasha over there. You just don't have weapons upstaging the title character, for crying out loud."
"Grrr...You are a demon in disquise!" announced Piro. "Prepare to die!"
"Oh, please," said Z, immediately producing a short katana, and slicing up the AK-47 effortlessly. "Care to try again?"
"Hah!" laughed Piro, "You have no chance against my mighty sword! It was forged out of holy steef in the heart of a volcano, and...."
Z cut the solilquy short by a quick movement of his katana slicing through the hilt of the sword, making the blade fall to the ground. Z picked it up. "Should have invested a little more money in the hilt, eh? Sorry, kid, I think in-canon trumps anything. Besides, you'd probably cut your own head off before hitting me."
Z knocked Piro down with a slap, then leaned down to Piro, whispering, "Don't. Fuck. With me."
"Dammit, stop right there," said Z. "This has got to be one of the dumbest crossovers I've seen in years. They all got pulled to this stupid planet, huh? They're completely unrelated in every way! And...I bet now they have to fight?"
"Ugh...they'd all be out of character anyway. I'm not messing around this time." He locked a hand towards the Starship Trumperprise and its crew. "You..." he threw his hand a direction, and the starship and people vanished. "Stay in your universe, you...stay in yours," He repeated the action several times, each time locking an arm at another group of characters, with them vanishing shortly afterwards. "You...stay in your universe, you...stay in yours, you...stay in yours, you...stay in yours, and YOU STAY IN YOURS."
Z was alone. "Finally, a little bit of silence." He paused. "Aw, fuck, I know there's another crappy fanfic out there to hunt, I just can't sit still." Then he vanished from the story as well.
"Whoa! Just stop. Stop right there. Stop." said Z, coming between the two girls, and holding them apart. "Now, can we think about this for a moment?"
"The entire point of fanfiction is to present a resonable scenario, you know? Can you imagine this pairing actually happening by ANY stretch of the imagination?! If I'm not mistaken, Ms. Ryeoko, don't you have an obsession with the star of this show that's the central part of the plot?"
Ryeoko stops reaching against the wall of force stopping her. She pauses. "You know, you're right..." Then Ryeoko leaves the room, slightly dazed.
"Ummm...what now?" asks Princess Sashimi.
"I don't know, kid," says Z, "Why don't you keep swimming like that. It's terrific fanservice."
"Um...Okay..." says the princess vacantly, and she does. Z rolls his eyes and leaves.