Mike, The Perverted One by Poe
TEAM: Freelance Villain
KIT CLASS: Empathy
Hall Of Fame!
Survival - 8 wins!
League Wins: 8
League Losses: 3
Out Of League Wins: 0
Out of League Losses: 0
Total Wins: 8
Total Losses: 3
The Lady of The Night - Win 0-0
Janus - Win 0-0
Captain Soda Pop VI - Loss 0-0
Izohn Falaris - Win 0-0
Jeffrey Fortune, Esquire - Win 0-0
Tundra - Win 0-0
Angry Mind God Jono - Win 0-0
Nathan Moebius - Loss 0-0
CB1K: Kitten in a Blender - Win 0-0
Scout: Khazan Ranger - Win 0-0
Coverage - Loss 0-0
[Begin Prologue] "Okay, let's see... The Normal One?" 'Check.' "The God Moding GM?" 'Got him.' "The Rhymes -With- 'Witchy', Hammer Swinging Girl With Unatural Colored Hair?" *They both shiver at this* '...yeah, um...sorta.' "One Good Natured Luckless Anime Boy?" 'Check and double check' "And let's see... The Eccentric Wizard...and The Guys Who didn't Make To The Hall Of Fame And We Can't Remember The Names Of Et Al?" 'Yep, got them all.' "Hmm... what are we missing? Anything come to mind?" 'Well, we still could use a LAB.' "Huh? We already have the Morisato boy, he's as luckless as a person can get with out being spontaneously destroyed by the universe at birth." 'No, I mean a LECHEROUS Anime Boy.' 'Geez... where are we going to find one of those?" '....' "Sigh...right I'll go check Bryn's All-Night Discount Hentai Shack real quick." 'And pick me up a copy of 'Cool Devices' tape three while you're there.' [End Prologue] Well, so far this place didn't seem so bad... Michael had been in Khazan for a while now and nothing truly wet-your-pants horrible had happen to him yet. Part of this nice uneventfulness Michael attributed to the fact that since he got here he has done his best to stay as far as possible from Landon, the violent herm and the rest of the freaks. And since he hasn't suddenly gained breasts, any flashy but fundamentally useless powers based on some hobby/addiction of his back home, or even a single annoyingly cheerful, almost homicidally destructive Girlfriend-for-LifeÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂ since then... Michael considered his Stay-The-#@$%-Away-From-The-Coming policy to have been one of his better ideas. Really, Michael considered himself quite fortunate and was perfectly content to spend his time hiding in a bar, in front of a nice cold mug of beer. But alas...selling sperm can only get you so much beer money. Hmmm...an ad in the newspaper about some Khazan publishing company wanting field researchers for a guild book? Well, he had been wanting to go err...'research' *cough, cough* the multiverse's infinte number of bars, strip clubs and brothels... might as well try to get paid for it at the same time.
Personality: A walking case study on the tragic effects alcohol abuse and far, far too many episodes of 'La Blue Girl".
| Weak BELOW normal human strength - |
can bench press 50 pounds (maybe).
|Standard Normal human agility.|
|Standard Normal human endurance. ||Mind:|
|Superior Highly educated and ingenious. |
A smart cookie.
The Tribute/Rip-off Power
Nowadays, due to the sheer amount of information they have to contain and the ever-decreasing attention span of the standard barely literate Khazan resident, very few books are published in actual book form anymore. Instead they're published as overpriced, portable interacted digital databases with all sorts of fancy eye-catching life sized holographic interfaces and menus. Such well known titles to use this new format include "Chicken soup for the Mentally Unstable Soul", the popular RPG "Twinks: The Minmaxing Fourth Revised Edition Core Rule Book", the political blockbuster "Why Writing An Elim Match That Pisses Off The Webmaster Is A Bad Idea." and of course the best selling "The Dimension Jumpers Guide To Khazan". A truly remarkable book, The Guide has already replaced the holo edition of the "Encyclopedia Khazanica" as the most common source of reference to all things that make up the Nexus of All Realties(tm). And although its information is often out of date, and sometimes even fatally inaccurate, it still has become more popular than the Khazanica for two important reasons... First it is slightly cheaper; and second while the Khazanica has a hologram of some stuffy guy in a long coat and hat named Media Man for it's interface, the Guide uses a cute, err... 'perky' teenage girl (though over the age of eighteen, of course) for its holographic avatar. Needless to say... 'The Dimension Jumpers Guild To Khazan' sells quite a bit better than the 'Encyclopedia Khazanica'. Also Most copies of the Guide allow it's owner to change the personality and appearance the interface's AL uses to whatever is their personal kink... Innocent School Girl, Bouncy Cheerleader, Easily Excitable Cat Girl are just some of the options. Unfortunately the special Researcher's Edition that Michael was given when he took the job seems to be stuck Preppy Nagging *Character Creator Edit* Bitch mode, as it seems to do nothing but complain about things like expense reports, spelling errors, deadlines, and some nonsense about towels. Annoying? Bloody yes. But it does give Michael useful information every once in a great while... like weather that cute girl at the bar belongs to a race of females that kill and devour their mate (and not in the good way) after nookie or even where a person could find a really good doughnut shop in the Next Plane Of Existence.
- Power: Detective
- Kit Power Link: Empathy
Michael has gotten to know the bars and clubs of Khazan pretty well while working as a field researcher for the Dimension Jumpers Guild To Khazan... Okay, actually he knew them pretty damn well before he took the job too; it's just that now he can try and write that twenty credits he just stuck in that stripper's g-string off as a 'work related expense'.
Terrain Familiarity: Bar Fight
As it turns out, Michael didn't get dragged all the way to Khazan without having one useless powerful forced on him... well, at least, it was SUPPOSE to be a useless... But thanks to a screw up in the Powers That Be accounting department, Michael was accidentally given the absolutely worst power a perv could possibly have... (Well, besides some nympho virgin schoolgirl summoning ability any way) He is now... somehow... completely unboppable. There is no force left in this multiverse that can be used to punish him for being naughty anymore. Hammers disintegrate harmlessly against the side of his head, steel toed boots are stopped in mid kick just short of his crotch, he even somehow shrugs off that belt-fed anti tank cannon. How this is all even possible is unknown... perhaps Michael's libido has been so amplified since he arrived in Khazan that it has become an almost tangible force capable of rejecting even reality itself... or perhaps the Powers That Be simply had been watching a lot of Evangelion at the time and decided to give him some sort of cheesy AT field like power because they were too lazy to think up something original. But whatever the cause, it is obvious that nothing... and we mean NOTHING is safe so long as such an unnatural force as this exists.
Michael is a bit of an artist, a writer, and of course a storyteller... and he must be kinda a good one since some people tend to get so attached to his creations that it almost seems that they forget that they're just fictional characters. Really, Michael finds this to be a bit disturbing at times... but on the other hand, when he's feeling a bit sadistic, it IS pretty fun to emotionally torture his fans by having horrible things occur to their beloved characters. "BWHAHAHA!!! Yes, she loses her parents in a tragic accident, then later gets tortured and mutilated by an ex-friend/possibly lover... and then later still gets brutally murdered! HAHAHAHA!!! Oooo... now, to make them all suffer through a drawn out, Hideaki Anno style saga filled with overused confusing time travel, cliche plot twists and terrible, unnecessary religious symbolism!! HOHOHOHO!!!" ..... To be honest, Michael is an evil *Character Creator edit* bastard.
- Power: Illusion Creation
- Area Effect This attack causes damage in a large area.
Oooh! I want a 'Thrusting Attack' power! "Hell no!!" Aww... why not? "Because I know exactly what you'd take as a thrusting attack, you sicko." But I have a bunch of points left over I have to take something... "Sigh... look, you already have a bunch of mental powers, why not take 'Force Of Will' to go with them. You need to take something to represent your stubborn ass over inflated ego anyway." *Whine* But I really wanted a thrusting attack!! "Baka! Don't make me god smack you!"
The Perils Of Mixing Genres
"See, what I tell you? I accidentally run into the damn Morisato boy just once while he was taking those scary little big-eyed, chibi mutants he calls a class on another "Oh $@#%, I forgot the lesson plan again, better make up something fast" field trip to the Khazan Museum of Fine Art and then- Huh? Oh, what was I doing at a museum? I was checking out the "Great Sculptures of Naked People Through the Ages" exhibit they had there at the time. Anyway... just like I expected to happen if I ever got within five miles of the COMING, (Why do they capitalize it like that anyway? Bloody egotistical, if you ask me.) a bunch of contrived weird stuff happen and by the time it was over... Handy Plot Device- I mean Ringnifti had somehow transformed my copy of the 'Portal Jumpers Guide To Khazan' from an annoying holographic, computer program connected to a cheap holographic emitter into an annoying SELF AWARE, computer program hooked up to some kind of laws of physics breaking, 'hard light' emitter or some sort of techno babble thing like that... Great. So now "Guide-Chan" (yeah, 'she' makes me call 'her' that now... did I mention the guide book gained a personality that's right out of some lame Tenchi/Ranma/OMG rip-off anime? Thankfully it's the loud annoying, anal-retentive personality instead of one of the... *shiver* other ones. Oh god... Douglas Adams parodies and anime don't mix...) not only can complain all day till her batteries rundown, but now she can even pick up and throw heavy blunt objects at me. Siiighh... I tell you man, if you value either your life or your sanity, you should stay the *Character Creator Edit* away from the COMING. Eh? Oh... yeah... I guess you're right... I'll go stay very far away from you now then."
- Power: Matter Animation
- Ranged Attack Attack usable at a distance (only).
To be honest, even though now, thanks to a series of highly improbable (contrived is a good word to use for it too...) events, Michael's copy of the 'Portal Jumpers Guide To Khazan' has gain sentience and a new holographic form capable of actually touching physical objects, it... or 'she' I guess would be more actuate now, still really isn't all that useful. Sure, she contains several billion squared pages worth of information about the multiverse... (Some of which is even correct on occasion) but that's still not a whole lot of use in a fight. Well yes... I suppose you could try saying, "Would you mind terribly if we pause rearranging my dental work for a few minutes, so that I might look up the section on 'How to Survive a Bar fight' in my guidebook? Yes, I know it looks like a rather fetching young girl with purple hair, tank top, and the words 'Don't Panic' tattooed across her chest in large friendly, glowing letters, but it's actually a rather remarkable and best selling holographic database." but very few large burly angry drunkards world be polite enough to let you do that. And alas... despite many, many, MANY numerous attempts, Michael hasn't been able to reprogram her into some sort holographic sextoy either.
- Power: Tactician
- Melee Attack Attack usable only hand to hand.
- Weakness: Not usable in terrain Bar Fight
"Gaahhh! Now my own creations are attacking me too... Last week, I was just minding my own business... watching one the THOUSANDS of magical girl they have running around here, doing her fan service loaded transformation over and over again while guys slipped money into her bloomers; when suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see a tiny little blur rushing towards me. Then I hear "MICHAEL NO BAKA!!!" being yelled out of lungs that should have been way too tiny to make that loud a sound and a giant hammer comes flying towards my head. Of course the thing just bounces off of me and sends the Shintou fairy flying into hotdog stand across the street. Once I recovered from the surprise of being attacked, I start explaining to her that she not suppose to ever go after me since I was the one who made her up in the first place... but the stupid fairy picks herself up out of the wreckage, blinks a few times, and just gives me a blank stare before she screams "HENTAI!!!" and takes another swing at me. This time she's thrown back into the sidewalk... that damn hammer of hers turning most of the street into a huge crater as it hits the concrete. This time I try to explain to her, using small words this time, that I can't actually be bopped and that's she's just causing a lot of property damage and looking rather foolish for even trying. But the *character creator edit* stupid thing acts like she doesn't understand a word I say and just keeps trying to bash my skull in. Swings and misses... flattens a taxi. Swings and misses... levels a building. Swings and misses... gives some poor dime-a-dozen interdimensional despot mage a concussion. At last... after what seemed like hours of this, she finally drops from exhaustion... course by then, the entire city block is demolished. Geez... and the damn fairy still shows up to try and bop me when ever I'm doing something... um... less than morally appropriate. The stupid little creature just can't seem to understand that it won't work. (Sigh... I just had to give her a weak mind stat to afford a double damage power up, didn't I?) Thank Buddha, she has the attention span of a fruit fly and she usually loses interest and flies off after a few tries, or I'd never get any piec- I mean peace.
- Power: Damage Shield
- Area Effect This attack causes damage in a large area.
- Melee Attack Attack usable only hand to hand.
- Weakness: Power in Item -Hard to Loseitem
- Weakness: Limited Uses -Multi-Use