The CBUB Character Database

ISSUE #170

Jason Voorhees vs. Ash Williams

ISSUE #80

Scooby Doo Gang vs. Hellraiser

ISSUE #160

Wonder Woman vs. Thor

ISSUE #171

Batman vs. Dr. Doom

ISSUE #138

Wonder Woman vs. She-Hulk

ISSUE #62

Thundarr vs. Conan vs. Beastmaster

ISSUE #19

Sailor Moon vs. Ranma 1/2

ISSUE #11

The Borg vs. Aliens

ISSUE #59

Hulk vs. Doomsday vs. Juggernaut

ISSUE #132

The Punisher vs. France

ISSUE #142

Spiderman vs. Wolverine

ISSUE #26

Catwoman vs. Bat Girl

ISSUE #141

Braveheart vs. Maximus

ISSUE #158

Bond Girl Blowout

ISSUE #74

The Joker vs. The Green Goblin

ISSUE #117

Kraven vs. Pokemon Island

ISSUE #65

Ken & Ryu vs. Scorpion & Sub-Zero

ISSUE #106

Nightwing vs. Daredevil

ISSUE #72

Shaggy vs. Dagwood vs. Jughead

ISSUE #150

Matrix vs. Crouching Tiger

ISSUE #64

Borg Cube vs. Death Star

ISSUE #71

Elvira vs. Vampirella

ISSUE #73

Men in Black vs. Marvin the Martian

ISSUE #92

Leisure Suit Larry vs. Austin Powers

ISSUE #61

Robotech Defense Force vs. The Decepticons

ISSUE #177

Master Yoda vs. Professor Xavier

ISSUE #115

Robin v. Robin v. Robin v. Robin

ISSUE #125

Great Pumpkin vs. Jack Skellington

ISSUE #28

Boba Fett vs. Batman

ISSUE #109

Black Canary and Huntress vs. Black Widow and Silver Sable

ISSUE #176

Daredevil vs. Snake Eyes

ISSUE #38

Lara Croft vs. Indiana Jones

ISSUE #137

The Predator vs. The Road Runner

ISSUE #75

Blade vs. Buffy vs. Vampire Hunter D

ISSUE #16

Keebler Elves vs. Krispy Elves

ISSUE #53

South Park vs. Peanuts

ISSUE #144

Kerrigan vs. Diablo

ISSUE #153

Mum-Ra vs. Skeletor

ISSUE #47

Mario vs. Sonic

ISSUE #30

Amityville House vs. Overlook Hotel

Issue #183 - Mar. 22, 2005

 

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Beetle Bailey vs. Gomer Pyle, USMC

THE SCENARIO

Beetle Bailey: The perennial slacker of the Army, it takes a beating from Sgt. Snorkel just to get on his feet. Often found napping or lounging around Camp Swampy, he's always got his hat down over his eyes so even if he was awake, it'd be hard to tell...

Gomer Pyle: Hailing from the friendly little town of Mayberry, Gomer left his humble roots to join the United States Marine Corps. Traveling across the country to Camp Henderson in California, he antagonized his superior, Sgt. Vince Carter, but always managed to win over his fellow Marines.

Live this week in the Arena of Khazan... well, we're not quite sure what renewed this old rivalry, but when some of the bigwigs in the Army and the Marine Corps decided to settle things once and for all, they contacted us as a neutral third party. We suggested, as a twist, that they choose each other's representative... we didn't realize they'd send us these two. But no matter; we've brought along their respective Sargeants to "motivate" them to run through our gauntlet of tests to see who comes out on top, and as a gesture of hospitality, we've invited their friends at Camps Swampy and Henderson to cheer them on. So join us now for a battle we like to call...

War Games

THE SPORTS BOX

Pat:   Good afternoon folks, we are LIVE at the Khazan Arena! It's been quite an exciting day already as these two unlikely contestants from the Army and the Marine Corps compete for highest honors for their arm of the military. Hello and welcome, I'm Pat Summers.

Jay:   And I'm Jay Peoples. Pat, there's been quite a few surprises today. I'd be willing to bet no one thought Beetle could sharpshoot that well with no apparent way of seeing out from under his helmet.

Pat:   Jay, I'm still chalking that one up to a Galactus-sized dose of luck, and I bet on Beetle to come out the winner today. I'm more surprised that he DIDN'T drive the tank off of the cliff in the second event's race.

Jay:   Good shooting skills don't necessarily equal good driving skills, that's for certain. At least he made up for it in the jousting competition. I could've sworn on Gomer to take that one.

Pat:   If there's one thing Beetle's learned over the years, it's how to take a beating and stay in there for more. It's too bad he fell asleep on the obstacle course.

Jay:   It sure is, Pat. Well, it looks like it's going to come down to the final event. The Khazan Arena's shifting to accomodate this final challenge... looks like they're being handed guns?

Pat:   Paintball guns, to be exact. Looks like it's going to be a one-on-one shoot-out, in a dense forest setting no less. While they're setting things up, let's check in on viewer comments.

 

YOUR OPINIONS

What YOU thought about the match:

Katrover Swatroad Writes:

Eddie Valiant: "You just can't kill a toon." Well said, Eddie.


El Kabong Writes:

Ah, a nice relaxer after the bloodbath last match. I haven't read the final results yet, but any fight with Venom and Lobo going at it would end up bloody, no matter who won.

I have to admit, my comic readings are far more extensive than my old TV watchings, but I have to say that Bailey is about the laziest fellow in existance. Snorkel will pound and cuss at the poor guys for hours on end, making look like a tank ran over him, and Beetle will just go back to snoozing under the tree. I don't think Doctor Doom himself could motivate this man. I assume that maybe Pyle got at least ONE mission done. I don't think Bailey has done anything in the fifty or so years since he's been enlisted. So, I'll give my vote to Pyle, not out of any love for him, but on the knowledge that a lame puppy could beat Bailey in this competition.


The Green Man Writes:

Bailey for the win.


CDO Writes:

We signed up knowing the risk. Those innocent people in New York didn't go to work thinking there was any kind of risk.

Pvt. Mike Armendariz-Clark, USMC; Afghanastan, 20 September 2001

As reported on page 1 of the New York Times

The safest place in Korea was right behind a platoon of Marines. Lord, how they could fight!

MGen. Frank E. Lowe, USA; Korea, 26 January 1952

Marines know how to use their bayonets. Army bayonets may as well be paper-weights.

Navy Times; November 1994

Why in hell can't the Army do it if the Marines can. They are the same kind of men; why can't they be like Marines.

Gen. John J. "Black Jack" Pershing, USA; 12 February 1918

The United States Marine Corps, with its fiercely proud tradition of excellence in combat, its hallowed rituals, and its unbending code of honor, is part of the fabric of American myth.

Thomas E. Ricks; Making the Corps, 1997

For all of those that have son's or daughter's at bootcamp let me pass on what I found. Let me give you a little back ground first. When my son left home he had no motivation, he was lazy, slobby, no pride, no self worth. This is the boy that got off the bus March 18th at Parris Island. The man that I met on Thursday for parents day is AWESOME. There is no way I can describe to you all the difference. He looks different, he walks different, he talks different, he has such a sense of bearing and pride all I could do was look at him in awe. Oh yes, the training is hard, what he went through is unimaginable to any one that has not been there. They are definitely taught to be Warriors. Let me tell you the surprise of what else they are taught. My Marine son has better values, better morals, better manners than any one I know. It is so much more than Yes Sir, Yes Mam...so much more. He cares about how he looks, he cares about what he does, and its not a boastful, bad ass thing. He is a true gentleman. I saw patience, and a calmness in him that I have never seen. I could never express my gratitude enough to the Marine Corps for what they have given my son. I know this, I have an 11 year old Devil pup still at home. When the time comes for his turn if I had to I would take him kicking and screaming all the way. Although I'm sure that will not happen. The hero worship I see in my younger sons eyes for his Marine brother tells me I will have two Marines in the family, and I will be one very proud mother.

"Cybil", Mother of a Marine writing to the myMarine Group

The raising of that flag on Suribachi means a Marine Corps for the next five hundred years.

James Forrestal, Secretary of the Navy; 23 February 1945

(the flag-raising on Iwo Jima had been immortalized in a photograph by Associated Press photographer Joe Rosenthal)

I have just returned from visiting the Marines at the front, and there is not a finer fighting organization in the world!

General of the Armies Douglas MacArthur; Korea, 21 September 1950

We have two companies of Marines running rampant all over the northern half of this island, and three Army regiments pinned down in the southwestern corner, doing nothing. What the hell is going on?

Gen. John W. Vessey Jr., USA, Chairman of the the Joint Chiefs of Staff

during the assault on Grenada, 1983

The Marines I have seen around the world have the cleanest bodies, the filthiest minds, the highest morale, and the lowest morals of any group of animals I have ever seen. Thank God for the United States Marine Corps!

Eleanor Roosevelt, First Lady of the United States, 1945

Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem.

Ronald Reagan, President of the United States; 1985

Marines I see as two breeds, Rottweilers or Dobermans, because Marines come in two varieties, big and mean, or skinny and mean. They're aggressive on the attack and tenacious on defense. They've got really short hair and they always go for the throat.

RAdm. "Jay" R. Stark, USN; 10 November 1995

They told (us) to open up the Embassy, or "we'll blow you away." And then they looked up and saw the Marines on the roof with these really big guns, and they said in Somali, "Igaralli ahow," which means "Excuse me, I didn't mean it, my mistake".

Karen Aquilar, in the U.S. Embassy; Mogadishu, Somalia, 1991

For over 221 years our Corps has done two things for this great Nation. We make Marines, and we win battles.

Gen. Charles C. Krulak, USMC (CMC); 5 May 1997

Come on, you sons of bitches! Do you want to live forever?

GySgt. Daniel J. "Dan" Daly, USMC

near Lucy-`le-Bocage as he led the 5th Marines' attack into Belleau Wood, 6 June 1918

Gone to Florida to fight the Indians. Will be back when the war is over.

Colonel Commandant Archibald Henderson, USMC

in a note pinned to his office door, 1836

Don't you forget that you're First Marines! Not all the communists in Hell can overrun you!

Col. Lewis B. "Chesty" Puller, USMC

rallying his First Marine Regiment near Chosin Reservoir, Korea, December 1950

Marines die, that's what we're here for. But the Marine Corps lives forever. And that means YOU live forever.

the mythical GySgt. Hartman, USMC; portrayed by GySgt. R. Lee Ermey, a Marine Corps Drill Instructor using his own choice of words in Full Metal Jacket, 1987

You'll never get a Purple Heart hiding in a foxhole! Follow me!

Capt. Henry P. Crowe, USMC; Guadalcanal, 13 January 1943

We are United States Marines, and for two and a quarter centuries we have defined the standards of courage, esprit, and military prowess.

Gen. James L. Jones, USMC (CMC); 10 November 2000

I have only two men out of my company and 20 out of some other company. We need support, but it is almost suicide to try to get it here as we are swept by machine gun fire and a constant barrage is on us. I have no one on my left and only a few on my right. I will hold.

1stLt. Clifton B. Cates, USMC

in Belleau Wood, 19 July 1918

I love the Corps for those intangible possessions that cannot be issued: pride, honor, integrity, and being able to carry on the traditions for generations of warriors past.

Cpl. Jeff Sornij, USMC; in Navy Times, November 1994

Courage is endurance for one moment more…

Unknown Marine Second Lieutenant in Vietnam

My only answer as to why the Marines get the toughest jobs is because the average Leatherneck is a much better fighter. He has far more guts, courage, and better officers... These boys out here have a pride in the Marine Corps and will fight to the end no matter what the cost.

2nd Lt. Richard C. Kennard, Peleliu, World War II

A Marine should be sworn to the patient endurance of hardships, like the ancient knights; and it is not the least of these necessary hardships to have to serve with sailors.

Field Marshal Bernard Montgomery

Lying offshore, ready to act, the presence of ships and Marines sometimes means much more than just having air power or ship's fire, when it comes to deterring a crisis. And the ships and Marines may not have to do anything but lie offshore. It is hard to lie offshore with a C-141 or C-130 full of airborne troops.

Gen. Colin Powell, U. S. Army

Chairman Joint Chiefs of Staff

During Operation Desert Storm

This was the first time that the Marines of the two nations had fought side by side since the defence of the Peking Legations in 1900. Let it be said that the admiration of all ranks of 41 Commando for their brothers in arms was and is unbounded. They fought like tigers and their morale and esprit de corps is second to none.

Lt Col. D.B. Drysdale, Commanding

41 Commando, Chosen Reservoir, on the 1st Marine Division Division

You cannot exaggerate about the Marines. They are convinced to the point of arrogance, that they are the most ferocious fighters on earth- and the amusing thing about it is that they are.

Father Kevin Keaney

1st Marine Division Chaplain

Korean War

There was always talk of espirit de corps, of being gung ho, and that must have been a part of it. Better, tougher training, more marksmanship on the firing range, the instant obedience to orders seared into men in boot camp.

James Brady, columnist, novelist,

press secretary to President Reagan, television personality and

Marine

The bended knee is not a tradition of our Corps.

General Alexander A. Vandergrift, USMC

to the Senate Naval Affairs Committee, 5 May 1946

By their victory, the 3rd, 4th and 5th Marine Divisions and other units of the Fifth Amphibious Corps have made an accounting to their country which only history will be able to value fully. Among the American who served on Iwo Island, uncommon valor was a common virtue.

Admiral Chester W. Nimitz, U.S. Navy

Being ready is not what matters. What matters is winning after you get there.

LtGen Victor H. Krulak, USMC

April 1965

The Marine Corps has just been called by the New York Times, 'The elite of this country.' I think it is the elite of the world.

Admiral William Halsey, U.S. Navy

I still need Marines who can shoot and salute. But I need Marines who can fix jet engines and man sophisticated radar sets, as well.

General Robert E. Cushman, Jr., USMC

Commandant of the Marine Corps, 17 May 1974

I can't say enough about the two Marine divisions. If I use words like 'brilliant,' it would really be an under description of the absolutely superb job that they did in breaching the so-called 'impenetrable barrier.' It was a classic- absolutely classic- military breaching of a very very tough minefield, barbed wire, fire trenches-type barrier.

Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf, U. S. Army

Commander, Operation Desert Storm, February 1991

I am convinced that there is no smarter, handier, or more adaptable body of troops in the world.

Prime Minister of Britain, Sir Winston Churchhill

The deadliest weapon in the world is a Marine and his rifle.

Gen. John "Black Jack" Pershing, U.S. Army

Commander of American Forces in World War I

Do not attack the First Marine Division. Leave the yellowlegs alone. Strike the American Army.

Orders given to Communist troops in the Korean War;

shortly afterward, the Marines were ordered

to not wear their khaki leggings.

The American Marines have it [pride], and benefit from it. They are tough, cocky, sure of themselves and their buddies. They can fight and they know it.

General Mark Clark, U.S. Army

They (Women Marines) don't have a nickname, and they don't need one. They get their basic training in a Marine atmosphere, at a Marine Post. They inherit the traditions of the Marines. They are Marines.

LtGen Thomas Holcomb, USMC

Commandant of the Marine Corps, 1943

I've always been proud of being a Marine. I won't hesitate to defend the Corps.

Jonathan Winters, comic and Marine

Every Marine is, first and foremost, a rifleman. All other conditions are secondary.

Gen. A. M. Gray, USMC

Commandant of the Marine Corps

A Ship without Marines is like a coat without buttons.

Adm. Farragut

If I had one more division like this First Marine Division I could win this war.

General of the Armies Douglas McArthur in Korea,

overheard and reported by Marine Staff Sergeant Bill Houghton, Weapons/2/5


brandonthewhite Writes:

It seems that I am always voting for the proverbial 'underdog'. The only way that Gomer Pyle will win this is if TV Land Fans all log on and vote for him. Now, Gomer Pyle is a classic character, but he does not have cartoon powers (the glory of being two-dimentional, and a drawing) that Beetle has in his possession.


Luffy Writes:

Gomer Pyle, obviously this is for one big reason, The Guy doesn't Slack off as much.


The Maniac Writes:

If Beetle Bailey can survive a weekly beating from Sgt. Snorkel. Then I doubt that he is going to win this fight.

I LOVE THE BEETLE!!!


galactus429 Writes:

First of all, I am so f@cking glad that it finally got changed. I mean, Lobo can only beat the sh*t out of venom for so long. About this fight, I think I shall go with the Beetle man on this one. One thing is that I could not stand the Andy Griffith show. Another is that Beetle Bailey is just lazy. He's got a good brain under that floppy hat. While Gomer is 95% dumbass and 5% good singer. When it comes right down to it, Beetle Bailey will mop the floor with the Mayberry reject. The last thing we'll hear from the arena is, "Well gaaaallleeee, I suck."


Private Joker Writes:

All I can say is an incompentent Marine is better than an incompetent Army man any day. Semper Fi.


Alan2099 Writes:

I'm with Beetle. He can soak up damage like nobody's buisness. He's regulalry mauled and still doesn't consdier it serious.


deathquest Writes:

BOY did it take a long time for you guys to come back. never the less, you have a good match-up today. if i had to go one way or the other, i'm counting on beetle baily, the lovable ol' dumbass.


avenger1000 Writes:

Finally, a fight without so much violence........at least I hope. I'm backing Beetle up.


You're in the Matrix Charlie Brown Writes:

Beetle is a toon.....so anything could happen with him. He could go into a coma, wake up ten minutes later and start singing to Tom Jones on the hospital bed.


Dave OhBee Writes:

I just like Beetle better.


ssj2 goku Writes:

i say beetle bailey has this cause my dad's pet dog is named bailey.and the other guy looks stupider than a rock,also beetle is in the army


Hyperbob Writes:

At first I voted for Beetle, but then I realized he's too lazy, so now I'm voting for Gomer.


Evil Eddie Writes:

know what was in Olivia Newton's John...?

..."Gomer's Pyle!!"

Oh Come Now...! If "Full Metal Jacket" taught us anything, it's this...You never, ever, under any circumstances, whatsoever, F**K WITH A MARINE...EVER!

"Well GAAAALLEEEEE Sarge, I just kicked private Beetle's scrawny, lazy, potato peelin' ass!"

*Although I must point out in all fairness to Beetle Bailey, that his chances of winning would've been a little better if he'd just taken that damn hat off over his eyes!!!*


Yes Ma'am Writes:

okay, I hate t.v. land, but Gomer's better because...

1. He's a human being

2. he can actually shoot a gun

3. he isn't a slack off

4. he fought in a huge war... on t.v.

5. bean or whatever his name is can't do stinking anything, participate in violence, or kill... because he's a cartoon.


Evil Eddie (part 2) Writes:

After finishing my first commentary, I got to thinkin' that this fight reminds me of the conversation from "Stand By Me" when Teddy (Corey Feldman) and Vern (Jerry O'Connell) were discussing who would win in a fight between "Mighty Mouse" and "Superman"! Well, my response is very similar to Corey Feldman's...

"What are ya cracked? Mighty Mouse is a cartoon...Superman's a real guy...no way a cartoon's going to beat up a real guy!"

Well, the same rule applies here...!

Damn, never thought I'd be using Corey Feldman philosophy to solve a CBUB match-up!


Scooter Pie Writes:

Beetle is a slacker. The only apparent asset he has is the ability to heal up from the beatings the Sarge sives him on a regular basis.

Gomer, on the other hand, is industrious and dedicated. His lack of intellect may be a hinderance, but I recall that he has singlehandedly defeated a rival platoon in 'capture the flag' manuvers.


Torint Writes:

The winner shall be Bettle Bailey. All hail Beetle Bailey. All glory to Beetle Bailey. Yaaaaaay.


Dusty Writes:

GOLLY SGT. CARTER! Beelt Bailey is going down faster than a Catholic schoolgirl on prom night.


Anon Writes:

I can see it now...

Pyle yells "Shazam!", divine lightning strikes Beetle Baily, and he gets right back up. Pyle shouts again, Beetle falls and gets up again. Near infinite power vs near infinite resiliance.

Oh...wrong Shazam...

Anyway, Beetle takes this. If he has trouble, he can call his sister Lois from "Hi and Lois"


Phantom Blade Writes:

If bettle can survive what sarge throws at him every day, then he can survive this gomer guy any day


Tony Dimera Writes:

I'll give this one to Gomer.

He's to lucky to lose, Beetle sometimes gets pounded on by Sarge, but Carter has hit to lay the hurt of Gomer.

Luck is on Gomer's side.


Dustin Prewitt Writes:

"Marines Never Die... They Just Regroup in Hell"

Even Gomer Pyle


Dark Queen Writes:

*L* I am wondering if even half the people here have even heard of Gomer Pyle. NO I'M NOT THAT OLD! *sigh* The joys and evils of TV Land when you have nothing to do.

But who to vote for? Should it be Bailey? He is one of the brigher spots in the Sunday comics that actually brings a smirk to my face once in a while. Plus, he has a fat seargant who loves to eat. You can't go wrong with a fat funnyman. Plus, I can associate with the laziness. Bailey is an inspiration to us all.

But what about Pyle? I mean, he IS in the Marines, and they are waaaaay better than the arm, imo. (They get swords!) And who can resist a Marine in uniform? Yummy!

Pyle: Why Golly, Ms. Dark Queen. Uh, I mean, your royal highness. I never knew anyone saw me that way before. As shucks, you make me blush.

AHHH! That voice? That stupid Mayberry drawl! It's worse than that the SpazFrag 666! It makes my ears bleed!! If Bailey can't do the job than I will before this menace spreads. Countrymen, to arms!


Dark Queen (Part Deux) Writes:

I forgot to mention this earlier, so I will say this quick.

What is up with all this "cartoons vs. real life" BS about? What the heck then do you call Roger Rabbit? Or if you don't like that then what about Cool World? AT least in that one a cartoon turns into a real life woman so why can't this be done here?

Or, going back to the Roger Rabbit philosiphy, a cartoon could never lose unless you had some sort of weird chemical that would melt them. Or if they laughed to death. Of if you had a giant eraser?

In any case, this is the CBUB and anything is possible. Leave all this "realism" for our lives outside of the realm of fantasy. And I say Beetle will still take this fight.


Mike Writes:

It all comes down to this:

Beetle is a lazy bum. Yeah, he's funny, and he's one of the funny pages' most famous characters, but there's no way he's winning any sort of competition. He's jsut not motivated.

Gomer, on the other hand, has determination, heart, and is overflowing with good intentions. As much as he gets on Sgt. Carter's nerves, it's hard not to root for him.

If Gomer completes even one task, just one, and probably by accident, he'll win. The reason for this is that Beetle will have never started... he's taking a nap under a tree.


McFortner Writes:

Get real. Gomer just sits around the baracks and goes "Shazam!" and "Goll-le!" a lot.

Beetle gets the stuffig beaten out of him on a daily basis and is back for more. He has had more time in Four Wall Counseling than all of the Marines in "Full Metal Jacket"

Verdict: Quick, easy kill for the Beetle.


Nine Writes:

Both Beetle and Gomer are in the military goofball category, so you have to break it down to see which has the greater LQ (Laugh Quotient). There are many factors that make humor stand the test of time, and here they are...

Funny name: While Beetle Bailey's name is a clever alliteration, it just seems old-hat. Gomer Pyle's name is a punchline to a Beavis & Butthead joke. Edge: Gomer.

Character development. Beetle Bailey has been a private for... well, forever. Gomer has a least switched jobs twice from Marine to "Fillin' Station Attendant" in Mayberry. Edge: Gomer

Supporting Cast: While Gomer's funniest moments were playing against the sweaty Sargeant Frank Sutton, Beetle had a horde of supporting characters, including the curvaceous General's Secretary. Edge: Beetle Bailey

Catchphrases. Gomer had both the "Gooollllie" and "Shazam". They were annoying, but funny. Especially now that Dr. Phil is on the air, who sounds just like Jim Nabors. Beetle only had "Z". Edge: Gomer.

Jokes: While Gomer's character was funny on the Andy Griffith show, I cannot remember a single joke from either the Gomer Pyle USMC show or Beetle Bailey's comic. Edge: Tie, due to pure boredom.

So the overall winner of the FQ Award, according to me, is Gomer.


Outavodka Writes:

Well from knoledge of "ahem" COMMON SENCE, CARTOONS especially FUNNY, LAZY OR DUMB ONES CANNOT DIE...

Just like Wyel.E. Coyote, Sylvester,and Daffy Duck they've always, ALWAYS COME BACK. its like the badguy from Terminator 2: T1000 vs a maniqune


Tyler Durden Writes:

Well,I have to give this to Beetle Bailey,due to the several things:

1-No military officer has used the name "Beetle Bailey" as a despective moniker to insult someone.

2-BB can take an inhuman amount of pain.I mean seriously,this guy gets mangled and killed but gets back up.

3-Beetle Bailey also has the amazing power to start sleeping,and stay asleep for entire days with no need for food,water,sex,or waking up.

4-Beetle just doesn't give a shit about anything other than enjoying yourself,and you gotta respect that.

Beetle Bailey destroys Gomer Pyle.


Sir Exal Writes:

I'm basing my decicion on the title of the match, "War Games."

War Games was that movie staring Matthew Broderick, that was entirely based on computer combat. Baliey has been around for a while, and he's seen the computer rise, so I'm sure he knows how to use one.

Pyle, however, is still in the '60s or '70s or whenever the hell Andy Griffith was on. There's no way Pyle will know how to use a computer.

AND now YOU know...the rest of the story.

Good day.


reposter Writes:

Gomer has an opera quality voice. Within 30 seconds of this fight he busts out a "my bonnie lies over the ocean" and beatle is in a sweet sweet coma.

Gomer 10/10


Edward Norton Writes:

If "Full Metal Jacket"has taught us something,is this:NEVER fuck with a man called"Gomer Pyle".

Beetle Bailey is going down.


captian kay Writes:

GO Beetle Bailey All the way!

BB is the best!

No real life "actor" will beat this drawn wonder!

Anyopne else say something against that is dumb


Captain Flatulance Writes:

Gomer wins this...period! If you look at the pictures, Beetle's lying on his sorry ass as usual. Gomer's armed with some sort of gun and prepared to whip some ass...and they don't come any tougher than an armed Marine. Granted Gomer's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but nonetheless, HE IS A MARINE SOLDIER! I'll place my money on an armed and prepared Marine over an under-achieving, lazy, un-armed, worthless, narcoleptic, Army reject any day of the week.

And another thing I've learned, never mess with a mentally-unstable Marine...if you don't believe me, just watch "Full Metal Jacket!"


JDog Writes:

For starters, I hate King Features syndacte (the chimps behind Beetle Bailey, the Family Circus [why won't the DIE!!!!], Blondie, etc.). However Gomer Pyle is a Hoosier native, as of I. Beetle 0 (on penalty to being associated with the Crappy Circus) Gomer Pyle 1 (being Indianan)

Gomer has a singing talent like no other. What can Beetle do? Sleep & piss off Sarge. Beetle 0 Gomer 2.

Now for comrades... I have only memories of Gomer's head, but he is tough. Beetle has a cast of poorly drawn losers (Zero, a man who would stick his hand in a toaster, Sarge, a hothead. Lt. Fuzz, an alcoholic, that annoying loser who pisses off Fuzz, etc.).

Beetle 0 Gomer 3.

What happens, you say. Beetle falls asleep while listening to Gomer's lullabye & drives his tank off Springfield Gorge, taking him out as well as the Crappy Circus. Game, set, & matchh to Pyle.


Victor Von Doom Writes:

Hm...

Gomer gets the win. The guys got to good a heart, making it impossible for him to ever come to any injury.


No time for sargents Writes:

Mort walker created Beetle Baily as a college boy...and when that got old..he made Beetle join the army

Gomer pyle was a mechanic on the andy griffith show..

Andy thought the show had grown tiresome and decided to leave

...the producers tried to give gomer a meatier part..hense sending him on to his own spin off show.

So basically aren't these two guys the same person?

I will give the win to Gomer simply for the fact that his singing will drive Beetle insane


Psychopathicus Rex Writes:

Oh-kee Do-kee. I do believe we've just crossed the perilous line separating 'Aw, Cool Beans' from 'Thoth preserve us, but these guys have way too much time on their hands'. Nevertheless...

Hmm. Alright, just one question springs to mind here - who the heck is Gomer Pyle? I've never heard of Gomer Pyle. Well, alright, that's not quite true. I have heard OF him, in old comic strips and commentary on pop culture; I just have no idea who he IS. Needless to say, this is going to make my usual 'compare and contrast' style rather difficult. Aw the heck with it, damn the torpedoes.

Beetle Bailey has one overwhelming advantage in this fight - no, wait, two. TWO overwhelming advantages in this fight. One: he is a cartoon character - a 'Toon' in common parlance. This means that he is functionally exempt from the laws of physics, biology, you name it. Also, he is from a COMIC STRIP, which means that we never see the results of any sustained damage for more than two panels or so at a time - the next time we see him, he's right as rain. If applied to a fight like the one we have here, that would seem to give him a nigh-Wolverine-level healing factor. Two, he's been around for, eh, hmm...at least since the early fifties, at most, some time since the mid-forties, and he's still going strong. Pyle, on the other hand...well, I'm not sure when he got his start, but he sure ain't around these days. That gives Beetle clear seniority, which, on the internet, translates to fan recognition, which almost certainly translates to 'he cannot lose this fight, no matter what'.

Now, then - Gomer Pyle. Poor, poor Gomer Pyle. Even though I know jack diddly about him, I can reel off his major disadvantages without hesitation. One: he's a human. I mean, a real human, an actor. The guy's pretty chubby in that picture, and I would imagine he hasn't aged too well since. Even if you play the 'Fictional Character' card, that boy don't look too good. And he's going up against a Toon? Please. Two: because he's a real human, he doesn't have one tenth of Beetle's fighting experience. In old TV comedies about the army, fights never get farther than some tight-arsed superior yelling themselves blue in the face and threatening disastrous consequences. And then hijinks ensue. While I have nothing but respect for the awesome power of hijinks, they aren't terribly useful in combat. In comic strips, however, opponents jump on top of one another, strangle each other, wrestle, punch, and get so involved that they disappear into big whirling clouds of dust and stars and fists. And this happens to Beetle something like two times a week. Hmmm....

Three: Pyle cannot win, because whenever I hear that name, I get immediate flashbacks to that poor chubby bastard from 'Full Metal Jacket'. Oh, that poor man. I've never managed to watch the movie beyond that sequence, and I ain't kiddin' there. If the mere use of 'Pyle' as a vicious nickname drives a man to madness and suicide, well...let's just say it ain't good karma. Beetle wins.


bobalmostevil Writes:

Pyle. Becuse of the glasses.


Tyramir Writes:

Gotta give it to Beetle. Why? Because he's animated. Quite simply, that makes him indestructable.


ProtonPack Writes:

How is this fair? It's plainly obvious that even if Beetle was able to get off his lazy ass for more than a few seconds, Pyle's beautiful singing voice could send Beetle off to dreamland with only the first few bars of a lullaby.

Plus, we all know the Marines are flat-out better than the army in every way. Marines do the hard work, the army's just a glorified cleanup crew for the jarheads.


SimbasGuard Writes:

I think Gomer Takes His training Mor seriously so He should win


Heartbreak Matt Writes:

Beetle should take it.


Sgt. Hartman Writes:

Private Pyle will stomp a f**kin' mudhole in Private Bailey's sorry f**kin' @ss! I have personally trained Private Pyle to be what all Marines were born to be...a killer!

It took a while, but I brought out the killer instinct in Private Pyle. He's been changed from a fat, incompetent, lazy, stupid, sack of $h!t into a predator...the most dangerous thing on the planet...A Marine!

I had my doubts at first about Private Pyle, buy with my training and supervision, he's now a hardened killer. This worthless sack of dog$h!t Private Bailey won't know what hit him.

He might get away with a lot of $h!t in the Army, but just let him try it in my beloved Core!


Johnboy Writes:

Gomer Pyle wins this one easily. He might be the dictionary example of a complete and utter doofus, but he is a sincere doofus. Beetle Bailey is a lazy shirker. Whatever tests are put out there, Pyle will actually try. Bailey will only try to duck doing anything. Stupid-but-sincere will beat mediocre, lazy, and unmotivated every single time.

Besides, Pyle's pure volunteer old skool marine. Bailey looks like a conscript to me.


Conan Writes:

I have only one thing to say...

"GOMER...THE DESTROYER"

CROM!!!


Bad Samaritan Writes:

Well, if it has more intelligence based tests than physical ones, Beetle will win, mostly due to the fact that Gomer couldnt think his way out of a paper hat if he was given a brain transplant.

If it has more physical than intelligence based tests, Gomer will win, due to the fact that after all these years of fighting with Snorkel, beetle still hasnt bulked up at all.

If its a mixture of both, expect Beetle and gomer to sit back and enjoy a game of 5 card stud, while thier seargents duke it out old school style over whos' soldier is actually the laziest.

Followed quickly by all of them getting bombarded by the navy for being worthless in modern warfare.


THE BATTLE

 

Jay:   All right, Pat, the two contestants are entering the designated area from opposite sides... first one to get tagged loses!

Pat:   We've added cameras to each participant's helmet so that everyone can follow along. Let's see what Beetle's up to...

Beetle: *Zzzz...*

Jay:   He's... asleep? Already?!

Pat:   I can't see from this angle if he's still got a hand on his weapon, Jay. If Gomer finds him like this, it could be over fast.

Jay:   Speaking of which, let's see what Gomer's up to...

Gomer: Golly... I'd better make Sarge proud... hey, is that him?

Pat:   Gomer's spotted something... it's moving though, it can't be Beetle...

Jay:   Hmm, looks like this dense forest comes with some rather ferocious wildlife as well. A paintball gun won't do much against a grizzly...

Pat:   Those aren't... real grizzlies, are they?

Jay:   They're real enough that Gomer's taking precautions. He's staying away from... wait a minute. Pat, check back on Beetle's camera...

Pat:   All right Jay... still just see the ground... there's some kind of grunting noise though, it-- no, it can't be...

Jay:   I think it is, Pat, the grizzlies have found Beetle! They don't seem too interested in mauling him though, and I doubt he'll be doing anything to startle them any time soon.

Beetle: *Zzzz...*

Pat:   Something tells me Beetle gets more sleep each winter than the bears do in hibernation. Well, unless Gomer can do something about those bears, he's not going to be able to get a very clean shot off.

Jay:   That might change soon, Pat! Gomer's moved quite a distance away and is shooting a few times into the air! That'll surely attract the bears...

Pat:   While Gomer circles around and gets an open shot on Bailey! Sneaky tactic, and without putting the bears or himself in danger.

Gomer: Shazam, Shazam! I'll win for sure now!

Jay:   And Beetle is STILL asleep! Even the cheers from his fellow soldiers in the stands and the massive threats from Snorkel are having no effect!

Pat:   He's almost ready to shoot...

Paintball Gun: *BANG!* *SPLAT!*

 

THE FINAL VOTE

 

'Nuff Said!

FINAL VOTE:

Beetle Bailey: 384

Gomer Pyle: 400

 

THE WRAP UP

 

Jay:   Quite the scare there, Pat. Beetle turned over in his sleep and fired his gun by accident, missing Gomer by mere inches!

Pat:   And there's Gomer's shot, Jay. A clean hit... Beetle's still asleep...

Jay:   Well, it has been a long day of competing. He'll be in for a beating from Snorkel when he wakes up though!

Pat:   Looks like he's not waiting for Beetle to wake up though. And there's Gomer, exiting the forest to much applause, especially from Carter.

Jay:   Just a lovable goof with a big heart, Pat. Well, that about wraps things up for this week...

Pat:   So it does, Jay. From the Khazan Arena, I'm Pat Summers.

Jay:   And I'm Jay Peoples. See you next time, folks!

Related CBUB Fights:
Shaggy vs. Dagwood vs. Jughead
Ash vs. Duke Nukem
Robin Hood vs. Aladdin vs. Autolycus

[The Comic Book Universe Battles]

 


Disclaimer:

"Callisto" is the property of Renaissance Pictures, MCA TV.

"Harley Quinn" is the property of DC comics.

Beetle Bailey is the property (c) of Mort Walker and maybe King Features

Gomer Pyle is the property (c) of Jim Nabors? Or someone...

This webpage makes no claims and attempts no infringement... this is just for fun.