This week, for your entertainment, the beautiful Khazan Mall presents a contest sponsored by the Khazan Mall Association which invites you to come down and enjoy six levels of 24 hour shopping, fine restaurants and pleasure centers designed to satiate desires both subtle and gross.
LIVE from the Mall Food Court comes a contest of Iron Wills and Stomachs as three of history's great eaters vie for the position of Top Appetite in this pulse pounding, face stuffing display of extreme consumption.
The entire Food Court Area has been partitioned off to allow the contestants to freely visit and order from any of the Courts dozens of stalls, eateries and booths. Judges will score on diversity, quantity and creativity of foods ingested by the contestants.
Join us now for a battle we had to call...
Eat at Joe's
This fight suggested by The Match Maker.
THE SPORTS BOX
PAT: Live from the Mall of Khazan, we have an amazing match for you today.. Hello and welcome, I'm Pat summers.
JAY: And I'm Jay Peoples. Today we have an all you can eat extravaganza!
PAT: Yes indeed, and here comes our contestants. There's Jughead surrounded by the adoring girls of Riverdale on the far left... and here comes Dagwood and Blondie...
JAY: Dagwood looks very focused today, Pat. He's ready to pig out. Oh! And here comes Shaggy and the entire Mystery Machine gang. Shag is looking mighty hungry.
PAT: Yeah, Jay. Poor Scooby is drooling over all the food here... too bad he's not a contestant. Okay, before we begin, lets get some opinions from the studio audience...
Favorite letter of the Week
Pass the doobie boys, Shag is the one.
Shag fights a dog for food to eat. This over eating ability isn't just strange, it's overpowering. Dagwood overeats to keep up his stamina level for those long evenings with Blondie (purrrrrr!). Jughead eats because he is ashamed of those horrible Christian comics he was put in during the seventies (If you don't get it... you're very, very, very, lucky). But Shag is on a whole other plane of self loathing.
Shaggy has constantly been the fifth banana of the group. He will never be on a par with Fred, quite possibly the world's most perfect cartoon character. Daphne saves all her loving for Fred and maybe Thelma (but that's not been confirmed). Thelma herself is far smarter than Shag and Scooby-Doo is the coolest cartoon character Hanna Barbera ever came up with. Add all those self-esteem problems together and it's a wonder he isn't shooting up. So he eats. He easily eats enough to be over 1000 lbs, if it weren't for his over-hyper nervous system. Jughead has his dog and his car, Dagwood has his loving wife and beautiful (if not far-too-innocent-to-be-believed) kids. Give Shaggy his food... it's what he needs... it's all he has.
Shaggy wins cause he was on TV. Anyone on TV will always win! This is what I have learned!
Dagwood! Since the rules of this engagement are to 1) eat the most, and 2) eat the most different kinds of foods, then Dagwood is the ONLY man for the job. Shaggy never eats much ('cept Scooby Snacks) and Jughead's a burgers/fries/shakes man... not a lot of originality. Bumstead can put ANYTHING between 2 slices of bread... deli-meats, chips, gumbo, fireants, he don't care. The guy's a lean, mean, eatin' machine. Dagwood'll eat ANYBODY under a table [heh... heh, heh.... that sounded RUDE! :) ] The guy's never had the same sandwich twice!
Well what can I say I like the Sunday Funnies Dagwood has been doing the food thing for the longest time. The only one I know of that can take him at this sort of thing would be Serena from Sailor Moon.
Besides do Shaggy and Jughead have a sandwich named after them I think not!
Sonic Hunter writes:
Shaggy All The Wayyy!!!! On Scooby Doo Where Are You He could scarf down anything from A WHOLE CHICKEN to OVER 50 Pies in A matter of seconds!!! Also If you ever watched A Pup Named Scooby Doo you would see that EVEN AS A KID SHAGGY COULD EAT ENOGH FOOD TO FEED A SMALL ARMY IN ONE SITTING!!!
This is an easy one. Shaggy is the only one in there capable of eating anything. he shares Scooby’s dog food for cryin’ out loud. those other two are specialists. Dagwood only eats big when it is one of his special sandwiches and the other guy only eats fast food. not shaggy has a lock on this one.
The Jaffer writes:
It looks like Shaggy is going to win on votes, but have you ever seen Dagwood eat? Holy cow! this guy puts away entire delicatessens in one seating!
Jughead and Shaggy simply can't touch him when it comes to mass consumption.
Shaggy has one advantage that I think the other two are lacking: Bravery. Face it, this guy gets an attack of the munchies in the middle of an ancient haunted house that no one's been in for years, and he starts looking for something to eat! Not only does he find some, HE EATS IT! Whatever it is! The man has no shame.
Do you even have to ask. Pat, Jay, your great announcers, but your predictions are horrible. Shaggy is an eating machine. He may be a hippie, but food, not pot, is his high! I mean, if he can eat Scooby Snacks, he can definitely finish off whatever is at the mall. Jughead & Dagwood don't stand a chance against Shaggy the one-man food demolisher. He is one of the few tag-team members (Shag & Scoob) that can hold his own by himself. To put it bluntly ----
SHAGGY'S DA' MAN!
Sailor Xena writes:
This battle goes to Shaggy hands down! I mean he eats sandwiches as big as himself and is still hungry! I remember an episode where he and Scooby cleared of an entire table of Chinese food and made two sandwiches each. Shaggy has only two skills: eating and running. Jughead and Dagwood are Amateurs compared to Shaggy.
I see Shaggy going to EACH AND EVERY restaurant in the food court and making a sandwich from everything he has: then making his rounds again and again and again................ The only person that I can see beating him is his buddy Scooby Doo and he's not listed.
Jughead can eat a lot but, he is a little picky I mean he won't eat, Brocoli, brussel sprouts, wheat bread and so one. But Dagwood would put fish eggs,4 different musterd, a ton of barbecue sauce, a bunch of different vegetables, a ton of olives and he would top it off with a ton of ketchup. When Shaggy usually eats 2 BLT’s (bacon, lettuce, tamato) and he is full. 'Nuff said
I believe Jughead's crown give him some form of super digestive powers.
It's gotta be shaggy! Dagwood and Jughead are comics for god's sake! Shaggy is a cartoon so we actually see him move (to the fridge). Him and Scooby have eaten sandwiches the size of towers, putting Dagwood to shame! Anyone with a dog that stops ghosts and goblins while eating delicious Scooby snacks (TM) is a winner!
The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie writes:
You must be kidding...anybody who is willing to dine on doggie treats has THE cast-iron stomach.
This one goes to Shaggy. Dagwood takes second only because he'll eat anything except doggie treats. I don't recall ever seeing Jughead gorge on anything (but then again, I'll admit I never read Archie comics, either).
The pot-smoking hippie known as the Shagster in an all-out pigout.
Many say Shaggy is just a pot-smoking hipster who couldn't hold out in an actual battle of stomachs. I have only one reply to that:
Even after cleaning out a refrigerator at whatever spooky house Shaggy may be at, what's the only motivation offered by his team? A Scooby snack! A Scooby snack! Shaggy would rather eat doggy treats than to stop eating. THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is devotion!
§indel 77 writes:
First off, welcome back Pat and Jay!
Anyway, this ones a shoe-in for Jughead. Have you seen this guy! He stuffs his face, then five minutes later, he's hungry again. Not to mention, WHAT he eats. Shaggy doesn’t have a chance. Dagwood has a good chance, but Jughead will beat him in the end. Good fight!
This match should be Dagwood's the whole way!! I would like to see Shaggy even try to hog down a "Dagwood" sandwich...I think he should stay with his Scooby snacks, and hand out with his gay friend Fred. And, Oh my God!, Jughead?!?!?...PLEASE!! This guy can't even get a girlfriend.. he’s a loser the whole way!!!
Welcome back... Pat and Jay... Well, after much deliberation I have decided upon Shaggy as the Groovy Devoureror! He has so many advantages over the other two worthy opponents.
Quickly, the other two, are just average humans...
- One, He's a stoner, just look at him. Grooving along, smokin da ganja, seeing spooky stuff and talking to a dog. All he has to do is smoke some joints before the contest and he'll be plenty hungry by match time.
- Two, He can distend his jaw like a snake. You have all seen the huge piles of food that he can cram into his gaping maw and down it in one bite! That isn’t human!!!
- Three, His stomach is cast iron, the dude eats Scooby Snacks. That's Hash-laced dog chow! Not to mention other unmentionables that he has eaten.
- Four, Speed, he has phenomenal reflexes for an acid tripping mystery crusader. All that full-gear retreating from mask-wearing mechanical illusions has been put to good use. He is in prime shape.
- Five, He has a training / sparring partner. Scooby is in constant competition for the scant food resources. He will make an awesome coach in Shaggy's corner.
- Six, All those LSD induced flash-backs has given Shaggy the ability to manipulate reality. One second he scared shitless, the next moment he and Scoob are hair-dressers giving the monster a 'doo . That will definitely be handy in a pinch.
Dagwood, will finish second. He can pound down his chow. You know darn well that he'll be hungry after spending the evening bangin' Blondie. She's an excellent caterer and will be good in Dag's corner.
Jughead does have the workhorse stomach, but I just don't see that being enough against Dagwood or Shaggy. He has neither a bodacious wife in his corner, nor is a freakish gullet of gold trippin through the 70's.
Like, Shaggy's gonna totally win. I mean, Shaggy has his mind on food ALL THE TIME. Both Jughead and Dagwood have other things to keep them busy; like high school for Jughead and a family life and annoying boss for Dagwood. Shaggy has none of these distractions. Shaggy has no real job, no real ambitions, not even a girl to drool over. His main reason for living is FOOD. He will do ANYTHING for a Scooby snack; it is his one and only motivating factor. The other guys may be hearty eaters, but it takes a true deadbeat pothead to truly understand an eating contest. Never underestimate the power of the munchies.
Noel Schornhorst writes:
Well, aside from the fact that I know quite a few people who look like Shaggy, I still have to go with the starving sleuth. Sure, he's a bit odd, but with Casey Kasem supporting him all the way, Shaggy'll take this battle easily. Simple fact is, Scooby usually steals Shaggy's food. Shaggy is probably STARVING! I mean... just look at him. Jack Skellington is plumper.... Jughead will be a close second (very close)... but poor Dagwood usually just eats one large sandwich and then falls asleep. After Shaggy wins, he, Scooby, Jughead, and Dagwood will join ALF, Homer Simpson, Slimer, Cookie Monster, and Garfield and close down as many all you can eat places as they can. Beware...
General George S. Patton writes:
Giving all due credit and respect to the awesome appetites of all three chow-hounds, I cast my vote for Jughead as the man who will win this one.
If this contest were restricted to pizza eating, Shaggy would win. Nobody could ever eat more pizza than Shaggy. Nobody could even dream of it.
When it comes to raiding the average refrigerator, Dagwood is the master. Nobody cleans out a fridge faster or better.
But, when it comes down to being a total omnivore, Jughead has NO competition. This man would eat a Jeep if it were left unattended. No doubt he has a sufficiently robust digestive system to handle the task, as well. Anyone who has ever seen how thoroughly he fills up a table at the Chok'lit Shop (Do I have the spelling right? Do I even have the right store? I'm not a regular reader, it's been a while!) and then eats it all, then complains about being hungry a page later, will know the truth of this. If Jughead were to suddenly stop eating, each and every eatery that he visits would have to lay off half their staffs or may go out of business entirely. Jughead eats so many hamburgers, as an example, that if he were to suddenly turn vegetarian (The sun will die first!) entire herds of cows would die of old age but there would be a shortage of corn and beans. The man can individually affect an entire ecological system by changing his eating habits. He eats like he has a hole in his neck and a vacuum cleaner attached to his butt. If there were a Medal of Honor for being a glutton, Jughead would have several silver oak leaf clusters (meaning 5 awards each) on his Medal of Honor. I do believe he would even pass up the opportunity to have sex with Betty, Veronica, Cheryl Blossom, and Sabrina all at once in exchange for one more hamburger and shake. The man is psychotic! Keep your hands away from his mouth unless you want to pull back a stump.
Who the fuck is Dagwood? Blondie's bitch is the answer to that. Shaggy's the only true eating machine that I see. As for Jughead, he'll be with Archie cramming something other than food down his throat.
Editors Note: And there you have the Rude Guy Letter of the Week.
How can Dagwoood and Jughead even compare to Shaggy. They don't have the skill or the drive to compete at Shaggy's level. Jughead eats to cover up his jealousy towards Cherry Blossum and I don't give a fuck about Dagwood. Shaggy's drive is a mad case of the munchies. Shaggy also trains daily against the raging appetite of Scoobie Doo. Shaggy will smoke a bowl and then smoke the competition.
Shaggy is a icon from the late '60s and early 70's pop culture. He has something more important than the RAGE (TM) going for him in this 'battle'...marijuana smunchies!
Charge Man writes:
I am a long fan of Dagwood, however eating isn't his forte. He will consume large amounts then lay down on his yellow couch, which, as we all know is a no-no.
Shaggy, as we all know, will take any break from mysteries to indulge in food, but as we have found, he will only do that once... twice if he's really hungry.
Jughead can just take any food beating dealt to him. He just has that "Jene sais quoi". Ha, I finally learned how to spell it. [raspberries the crowd]
Lady Alhana Brightblade writes:
Everybody and their mother knows that Shaggy is the Master of Munchies!!! The Sultan of Snacktime!!! The Barron of Breakfast ( Lunch and Dinner)!!! Jughead is a close second, though. As for Dagwood, all I can say is *shudder* .
let me start by saying I have always hated Dagwood. And have lead my life as Shaggy would whenever possible. However, shaggy couldn't fight his way out of a wet bag and never was man enough to score with the chick in the mystery machine. Jughead is flat out lame.
Now, Dagwood is stupid, shiftless and lazy but somewhere in his pitiful life was MAN enough to land one of the hottest babes in 3-color; Blondie! Dagwood is hiding something, and its big. Dagwood in a laugher that last 3 rounds.
The Bunyip writes:
Oh, puh-lease! Shaggy has this one made! Here's why:
- He's got Scooby as a companion to cheer him on. Of course, Shaggy will be packing away food just to keep Scooby from eating it first...
- Sexual frustration factor. Dagwood is married to a good-looking blond. Jughead is still in high school, and is at least friends with some good-looking girls. But Shaggy is forced to spend ALL his time with only two women around: one four-eyed chick who is probably a lesbian, and another who seems to have no libido whatsoever (unless Freddy and Daphne are getting it on). Of COURSE he'll turn to food as a substitute...
- We all KNOW that Shaggy has been into some heavy weed in his life - and nothing is better to stimulate the appetite.
The Klaw writes:
There is no way Shaggy could lose. Maybe, maybe in a million years Jughead or Dagwood could out-eat him, assuming he had massive indigestion, but the contest is also based on original creations. Shaggy is the master of eating anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, that comes in his path. Besides, have you ever seen Jughead or Dagwood outmaneuver Scooby just for one Scooby Snack?!
S. Todd writes:
Jughead is the man! I am shocked to see Shaggy in the lead. Jughead once ate a 12 ft pizza in one sitting and wanted more, he ate 24 pizzas in 2 hours. Let's see these other 2 try that even combined they couldn't do it. If Juggy loses I say he should eat them.
I am not very knowledgeable on all three of these characters, but I will state my vote on what I do know.
I doubt that Dagwood, though capable of consuming large amounts of food, has the capacity to eat nearly as much as the other two contestants, so I am afraid I must eliminate him from the very beginning.
Now, Jughead is indeed an excellent choice for the contest, but he is too realistic. That is to say, I know people that are like him in his continual eating habits, and he does not strike me as spectacular. For you Jughead fans, take comfort in knowing that if this were to be a realistic eating contest, I would choose Jughead.
However, since this contest was not defined on it's realism, I must go with Shaggy. Shaggy is always hungry, and is the only person I know of who can eat a sandwich the size of a basketball in one bite, and then ask for seconds.
Sure, Shaggy and Jughead have been known to put down the food, but they do it in random snacking with an occasional full meal. Dagwood is the dude who gets up at 3:00AM to make a 5-foot long by 2-foot tall sub sandwich! This guy eats like a friggin' garbage disposal! We're talkin' a dozen full meals a day here!
But, while I think Dagwood would win, what I really want to know is how in the heck do these guys put down that much food and stay that skinny? For that matter how does all that food even fit in those small frames? I mean, are we to suppose that there is some pocket universal gateway in these guys' bellies? Cartoon or no, it all seems a little hard to stomach (yes, pun was intended).
Mr.Rogers' personal assistant, Jenkins writes:
Like it's even a battle! Shaggy all the way. Here are some reasons why:
It's pretty simple to see that Shaggy will be the winner.
- This man's bladder is so large that he could drink 100 12 packs of Mountain Dew and go a month without goin to the "little boys room".
- He'll probably eat Dagwood’s hands, mistaking them for sandwichs. That’ll slow Dagwood down, and he'll obviously lose.
- I dunno who this "Jughead" character is, but he doesn't appear to be much more than a clone of the fat guy on Popeye that eats tons of hamburgers. If I were him, I'd get my fat ass out of the Food Court 'cuz anything that's fat and plump Shaggy could mistake for turkey or beef.
- When it comes down to food, Shaggy is super strong. Not even the great Doomsday or Darkseid could overpower Shaggy when he sees an All You Can Eat Buffet at a Bob Evan's(TM).Proof you say? In an episode of Scooby-Doo he managed to lift a dining table and make all the food slide down into his mouth.
For Some reason I don’t think this match will be what is expected... my money is on Dagwood going postal and killing everyone.
Despondent at the thought of loosing to a deadhead he brings his old remington out of mothballs.
The Match Maker writes:
I threw this match out here because I honestly could not decide who would win. Heck, the only reason I voted at all was to get to the Commentary Page!! But be careful you don't drop the ball on this one. Don't give any credence to that stupid "Scooby-Doo was a drug filled show" craze. To perverse a wholesome show with slander like that really melts my tuna!! Don't wrong a good decent show by cheapening it. It's not right. Like Hanna-Barbara would REALLY put out a show like that. It's family entertainment. That line of thought makes me as mad as the outcome of the Betty Cooper versus Veronica Lodge match.
Oh no!! I said the "V" word!!! I can't stop it. I can feel the battle madness falling upon me!! .... BEGONE VILE TEMPTRESS!! Back to the pit from which yea were spawned!! Let the battle clarion ring forth!! To take the fight for goodness, righteousness, and love, into the very heart of evil!! Attack! For the glory of the good!! And the good of the glory!!
Editors Note: Okay, well maybe I'll give you Scooby Doo, but I'm definitely not giving ground on the Hair Bear Bunch. I say that was a drug inspired show.
JAY: Some very strong and thoughtful opinions from our studio audience as always, Pat.
PAT: The contestants are Gearing up for mass consumption. They are tying bibs on, gnashing their teeth together and waving silverware in anticipation. The way this works is that the contestants just sit and eat while their friends bring them foodstuff desired. Scoring is on diversity of food, and quantity of food eaten with in the time limit.
JAY: This will be the war of the stomachs. Victory or bust! We're now waiting for the sound of the buzzer...
PAT: And there it is!! Thelma and Daphne have run quickly to the pizza counter where fresh pies are pouring out of the oven, baked by expert Mall Pizza guys...
JAY: Dagwood has sent Blondie running to a Deli to gather ... surprise, surprise... several "Dagwood sandwiches".
PAT: And those sandwich guys have been working for hours laying in a stock of the things, let me tell ya.... Wait, it's Betty and Veronica in action now, making a beeline for Hot Dog On A Stick!
JAY: Hot Dog On A Stick??? Have you seen those hats they have to wear? The teams are bringing the food back... Oh! Blondie is struggling to carry the tray of sandwiches back to Dagwood...
PAT: ...oh wait, Freddy is helping her rush the tray back to the table. What a guy!
JAY: Who wouldn't what to help Blondie! But remember this isn't about how fast they eat but how much. Now all the contestants have their first order in front of them and they're munching down!
PAT: Jughead is practically inhaling those battered wieners and coughing up the sticks! Shaggy is spinning Pizza Pie after Pizza pie on his fingers and eating 'em buzzsaw style! Oh the gluttony!!
JAY: I'm getting a bellyache just watching them! Dagwood is almost ramming those sub sandwiches down his throat. How can they eat like that!!
PAT: Already the teams are back out on the floor getting food! Wait... in an amazing display of strategy, the Riverdale girls are Bucket Brigading burgers from a nearby stall right into Jughead’s gullet!
JAY: It's a great display of gorging on Jughead's part! Not to be out done, Shag is stacking his pizzas into three-high piles and inhaling the whole thing!!
PAT: Now Blondie is running from stall to stall putting anything she can find between two monstrous slices of rye. Entire sides of bacon, whole cans of beans, vegetables, Chinese food, some tacos... It's some kind of mutant sandwich from Hell!
JAY: Shag just ran out of pizza's and has moved to burgers of every size and description. He's just shoving them into his mouth two handed style... only pausing to come up for air!
PAT: Well, the contestants are doing well on sheer volume of food, but the judges are handing out points for food diversity too... and as if on que, here comes Dagwood’s sandwich. Jughead and Shaggy are both looking in awe at what Dagwood will now attempt....
JAY: A hush falls over the audience as Blondie sets the platter on the table before him. Dagwood eyes over this monster sandwich.... perhaps the ultimate "Dagwood". He takes it up trying his best to hold the thing together. He opens his mouth wide, almost too wide but he's a cartoon, he can do that!
PAT: Yes...but... oh, no... wait! The many sandwiches he has already consumed have triggered the dreaded Dagwood Nap Effect! Dagwood is starting to nod in a dozzy fashion....
JAY: Blondie is trying to wake him ... but no! ... He's out like a light. Tough break for Dagwood. And he was doing so well! Now, it's down to Jughead and Shaggy. Even with only these two left I'm starting to wonder if we have enough food here to finish the contest.
PAT: Well, on that note, lets pause and get a glimpse of the action down on the field from our own Sideline Commentator Frank Williams. Hey Frank, it's been awhile!
Frank Williams: Yeah, whatever. Hello, this is Frank Williams reporting from the sidelines. I want to point out that down here you can really see the level of tension that has developed between the food carry teams today. Daphne and Thelma have been trading sharp looks and insults with Betty and Veronica all day, but Veronica really upped the ante just now when she flicked a pea at Daphne. I think viewers should hold onto their hats for a possible righteous cat fight here after the contest. If it happens, you can bet we'll be carrying it live.
PAT: Thanks Frank. What's going on now, Jay?
JAY: Both are looking to score points now in Food Diversity.... Shaggy has sent out for large portions of Indian and Thai food. Jughead is going with Mexican.
PAT: But look, Jay! Jughead's just getting more fast food... it's all Taco Bell!. I hardly think this counts as "Mexican". This will cost him in diversity, but he's trying to make it back up in more and more quantity...
JAY: It's a brave move on his part but can he do it and still keep it all down?
PAT: Both seem to be running out of steam... Shaggy is making points eating very exotic concoctions, but he is obviously wearing down. Jughead might have overextended himself. We are definitely down to the wire here...
JAY: But they're still struggling on... Trying to get that last mouthful down because that last bite might be the one that puts them over the top.
PAT: Jay! Shaggy has collapsed! He is overstuffed! And yet... amazingly... Jughead still manages to down one last 7-Layer burrito before also coming to a halt!
JAY: This looks bad for Shaggy. I think Jughead... Wait! Thelma and Daphne are giving Shaggy a pep-talk... they're trying to get him to go on! Can we get sound on this, please!!
Thelma: ....Would you do it for a Scooby Snack?
PAT: Oh, I don't believe this... Shaggy, whole body trembling... lifts his head... opens his mouth... and accepts the Scooby Snack!
JAY: He's munching it!
THE FINAL VOTE
THE WRAP UP
PAT: Shaggy has found the courage to go on! He picks up a fork and is back in the dishes!! Jughead is left unconscious from his efforts!
JAY: Betty and Veronica are accusing Daphne and Thelma of cheating! They're screaming bloody murder!
PAT: Thelma picks up a Creme Pie and plants it squarely in Veronica's screeching face!!
JAY: Oh man, this is gonna be good.....
DISCLAIMER / NOTICE:
Dagwood (TM) is the property (c) of King Featurs (?)
Shaggy (TM) is the property (c) of Hanna Barbera
Jughead (TM) is the property (c) of Archie Comics
This webpage makes no claims and attempts no infringement... this is just for fun.