Jenny, the Just to Piss You Off Cactus


Gender: Female

Kit: Eldritch

Location: Where Haters Hate


Alignment: Villain

Team: Solo Villain


Strength: superior (rank 2)

Agility: superior (rank 2)

Mind: standard (rank 1)

Body: superior (rank 2)

Spirit: (rank )

Charisma: (rank )


Infamy Points: 100

Personal Wins: 0

Personal Losses: 0

Team Wins: 0

Team Losses: 0

Tourney Wins: 0

Tourney Losses: 0


Status: Active

Confession FPT

“Why are you in my office, Jay?” Dr. Bernstein rolled his eyes at his most frequent customer.

“I’m lonely Dr. B!” everyone’s least favorite cactus wailed, “I’m a lonely ‘lil cactus!”

“Jay, we aren’t scheduled to talk today, remember how my lawyers explained this to you?” the good doctor pulled his rolling chair in between the space between him so the distressed cactus couldn’t fling himself at him. Again.

“I just want someone to hold, Jefe!” he collapsed forward into the chair in front of him, “but no one want to touch me because I have a soft heart but a-“

“Rough exterior! We get it!” Dr. Bernstein snapped, “We’ve heard it a millions times!”

“What should I do, Jefe?” Jay sobbed.

The Harvard Graduate pressed the button under his desk, “Mrs. Gutman, Jay has made his way to my office, did you let him in?”

“No, Doctor, I didn’t see him,” his secretary told him over the speaker.

“Call security.”

A few moments later Jay, the very light Cactus, was hurled out of his psychiatrist’s third story window and landed in the bushes with a thud.

“Thanks for catching me guys,” he patted the shrubs as he got up, “You saved my life.”

But they didn’t answer him. No one ever answered him. In sorrow Jay hopped away into the night.

At about tres A.M. Tijuana time when Jay stumbled into an ally way a few blocks away from his Doctor’s office. It had gotten dark very quick. And he needed a place to lay low. People tended to freak out when vegetation walked around town humming mariachi music. People threw rocks, formed mobs. There was even a group that dedicated itself to such “abominations”: N.I.L.A.N.

N – Naturals

I – Investigating and

L –Legally

A - Annihilating

N – Non-naturals

“Non-naturals”. Phhft. Jay was natural. It says so in his FPL profile…

Jay leaned against the brick wall and slid down until he was doing what he considered sitting and wrapped his “arms” around his “legs”. He was on the verge of sleeping when-

“Jay, the Unloved Cactus? I hear you are in a state of…despair?” a shadowy voice.

“Woah!” Jay jumped up and raised his ‘fists’.

“Put ‘em down, lover boy, I’m here to fix all your problems,” the voice continued.

“If you don’t show yourself I’m gonna start throwing my right hook everywhere and anywhere until you shut up!”

“Calm your ass down, I can be your friend,” thorny vines began breaking through the brick of the wall that was facing him. Crushed parts of the way fell as more and more thorny extensions burst through the wall. It wasn’t apparent at first, but the vines were revolving a large bld red eye. An eye, which opened as the voice said, “Hiya, I’m the Satan of Plants.”

“I…uh…there’s a plant devil?” Jay just stood there not sure what to say. He shielded his face from the crimson light emitting from the evil, swirling eye.

“MY NAME IS SATIN OF PLANTS!” the demonic being roared.

“So…you’re a demon of…vegetation…” Jay kept asking.

“Don’t mock me Jay,” he warned, “Are you always this slow witted? That may be why you don’t have any friends.”

“I have friends!” Jay objected.

“Dirty little homeless children don’t count, Jay,” the Satin of Plants wagged on of his vines, “Face it ‘hombre’, besides a senile wheelchair salesmen and your physiatrist that hates you, you have no personal connections to another living thing. No matter what good you do for humanity, or how pretty your smile is, no one is going to love you.”

These words nearly killed, Jay. This spiked demon was feeding off of his insecurities, and he was too monumentally depressed to hit him for it.

“That’s where I can assist you, ‘amigo’” the vortex in the Satin of Plants eye began to swirl faster , “I, being a being of infinite power, can use my knowledge and mastery of the dark forces to make you a mate,” he waited a moment to let this new information sink into Jay’s ears. “Yes! A life partner! Someone who will love you till the end of existence,” Jay sat silent. “I knew you’d be at a loss for words, but that’s quite alright. I know what your answer will be. So it’s just a matter of what I shall receive in this covenant we’re about to make. It says it all in this contract,” he unwrapped one of his appendages and held a long scroll of yellowed paper to his eye “’In exchange for a fun and lovely companion, who will stay by my side until my death, I Jay the Damned Cactus, thus offer my soul to be eternally imprisoned in the fiery pits of the 17th Layer of Hell, for all eternity.’ Then you can sign your name on the line with your own cactus milk. Now, I understand I used a lot of paper for one sentence, but hey! I’m the Satin of Plants! I used the wood of damned trees to make my paper-”

Satin of Plants was shut up by being introduced to Jay’s Left Hook (JEFE!!!)!!! The Left hook knocked the paper from his hand.

“Shut your mouth!” Jay said landing on his feet after his jumping hook, “I’m from Mexico! We’re all confirmed Catholics down there!” he did the sign of the cross, “Don’t you know anything!?”

“Believe me,” Satin of Plants rubbed his struck limb, “If there was another sentient plant out there to eternally damn, I’d try to seduce it, but you’re the only plant who can make decisions , thus only one I can lure into hell with me! At least, you were until I made her.”

He opened his eye wide and shot a red laser onto the ground in front of Jay. When the blast ceased, the most beautiful cactus person Jay had ever seen in his life was kneeling in front of him. He was almost speechless, almost, “Hubbabahbahbah…” Jay’s tongue hung out of his mouth.


“Desirable, isn’t she?” Satin of Plant’s eye glowed brighter, “A real prize, is she not? Is she not worth eternal damnation?” Jay was speechless, “Go on Jay, talk to your souless mate.”

Jay hopped up to the lovely creature, “Uh, hola! I’m Jay, and I uh, think that you're muy bonita-“

Jay was cut off by being introduced to this new girl’s right hook (JEFA!!!)!!!

Jay fell flat on his back, KO-ed faster than Brock Lesnar in his last title defense. Satin of Plants stood shocked at the actions of his creation. “Jen…Jenny!” he shuddered, “Why the hell did you do that?! I almost had his soul!”


The Sting of Rejection

     Marksman: superior (rank 2)


She smiled slightly and spoke for the first time, “Just to piss you off.” Before her creator could rebuttal, the female cactus jumped into the air and aimed her arms at him. Needles shot out of her arms into the eye of Satan of Plants.

“Ahrg! My eye!” he screamed in pain. As he did so Jenny landed on him and began delivering blows to his eye.

“Let’s get one thing straight, ‘Padre’” she said calmly as she continued to pummel him, “I don’t love you and I don’t love that goofy ass bitch that you tried to engage me to. You did me no favors creating me, and I will spend the rest of my life being a pain in your side. I will never conform to your plan for me, and I won’t stop hitting you until you acknowledge my independence!”


A Grounded Poundin'

     Martial Arts: standard (rank 1)


Her mounted punches continued and the Satan of Plants remained silent. He might have been knocked out. She stopped, and waited to see if he answered. He didn’t. He was out cold. “Man you’re a wuss…” she got up and brushed herself off. And as she did, a vine rocketed at her and pinned her against the middle of the wall behind her.

She struggled and kicked her feet in the air. He was sucking the life back out of her.


A Stone Cold Bitch

     Iron Will: standard (rank 1)


As this happened, Jay raised his head, “Ow my aching-“ he saw that the only other personified cactus in the world was being choked to death.

“I got yo back!” he delivered an exceedingly powerful left hook that sliced the evil limb clear off the demon.

Jenny fell from the grasp of her “dad” and landed on her feet, clasping her throat. “Hey?” Jay hopped up to her, “are we friends now?” Jenney looked at him with a quizzical look then pushed him down.

She leaned over him, “You better stay down, or I’ll knock your ass down again,” she warned him.

“No wait!” Jay rose to his feet, as she turned to walk away, “We need to stick together! We can travel the world together! Save people! Bring down the N.I.L.A.N. organization! Fight the evil forces of Plant Hell! It could be action-y adventure of a life! If you could just stay with me…”

There was silence for a long moment. She tilted her head to the side and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. Jay's blood boiled as she receded. Her stunning eyes glimmered in the moonlight. Jay was taken aback by the beauty of the moment.

“Well, that sounds great but…” she twirled the flower growing of of her head, “I’d do that....with anyone but you!” her facial expression went from cute to harsh, “Face it Jay, you’re not funny and nobody likes you.” She turned around and left the alleyway, “See you around lover boy!”

Jay, as heartbroken as he was, couldn’t help but look at her swaying hips as she exited from the alley, and his life.