My name is Tommy. Thomas Gerthold Gunn. My friends call me Tommy Gun.
The day I met the Spider Don, was the day I ran away from home. I was on the outskirts of New York. In the farmlands, when I wanted to be in New York City. Just when I was about to give up on my big plans and go home, wouldn't you know it, a giant spider just popped up from the middle of the road, grabbed me, and pulled me under. Needless to say, I needed a change of pants.
Now, this Spider, he tells me his name is Dori-An Rav-An. And under his trapdoor is a whole spaceship. He tells me it's nothing personel, but he's going to eat me before he takes over my planet.
Now, I know how to do exactly one thing; talk. So I talked. I told him that aliens have tried to take over the world before, and each one had been repelled. This got him interested enough that he held off on eating me.
Luckily enough, I took my sci-fi movies with me when I ran away from home. Show I show Dorian exactly why he should be a bit more cautious around humans. When he saw aliens die time and again by old men in crop-dusters and even the music we listened to, he quickly realized that humans were a rare breed and taking over the world would be impossible.
So, I pulled out my heist movies, and he realized the way to get ahead on earth was to be a gangster. And he kept me alive to help him out. So, I was feeling lucky, you know? I ask him why he wants to conquer our world in the first place.
He says to me he's really just a scout for the advancing army. He's supposed to set up a base camp before they arrive and then the real conquering could get started.
Only here's the thing; the Don actually used to be the equivalent of a general back in his army (they call their armies Plagues). Only other spiders played the political game and made it look like he only get as high up as he did 'cause of his dad (who I gather was important) and then they set him up for some big fall. So he gets demoted to frontguard.
So, he was going to conquer the world single-handedly to show 'em up. But now he's thinking to just let 'em try and conquer earth. He'll set up a sweet home here, (lots o' fresh food) help our side out, take out his replacements with the same ease humans have beaten back aliens with before, and in the same move gain the trust of us feeble-minded humans.
And I can respect that. Revenge. I love it, in fact, and it's sort of beautiful the way he describes how he'll get it and how he'll win over the human race (I call 'im a he, because he acts like a he, but he says he don't have genders where he's from. I don't know what he means, and I don't intend to ask).
Anyway, we ate the people in the next minivan that drove over his trapdoor, and in the morning we went to New York to establish a criminal empire. He shared the family with me, and it was a little disgutsing at first, but then it began to taste like chicken.
Ah, New York. You can make it here, you can make it anywhere.