Unicorn Boy


Gender: Male

Kit: Eldritch

Location: Port of Kings


Alignment: Villain

Team: KALI


Strength: standard (rank 1)

Agility: standard (rank 1)

Mind: superior (rank 2)

Body: standard (rank 1)

Spirit: (rank )

Charisma: (rank )


Infamy Points: 918

Personal Wins: 51

Personal Losses: 6

Team Wins: 0

Team Losses: 0

Tourney Wins: 0

Tourney Losses: 0


Status: Disabled


“Ladies and gentlemen of the court. Esteemed prosecutors and the distinguished defense. And of course, our lovable and huggable, the honorable if somewhat pedantic judge presiding. I stand before you, bound in chains like an animal. Guilty before proven innocent of crimes that I couldn’t possibly have committed. How could I have?”

“Let me put this in another way. How could I NOT have?”

“On that sunny spring day, we were on the cusp of summer and the holidays that entailed. There I was at the alleged student crossing in only the 8th hijacked car of my career. And there she was, the crossing guard, holding up the traffic for that wonder of wonders, elementary children crossing the street. Ladies in gentleman, let me assure you, I have never in my life, seen a scene like that outside of cartoons and illustrations in stuff like Readers Digest or something. Seriously, when was the last time you actually saw something so idyllic as a crossing guard holding up the street for little kids to cross? That’s right up there with mother duck and her ducklings folks. So I ask you again, how? How could I NOT have put the pedal to the metal and vrooOOOM! Kaaaa-THUD! Ladies and gents!”

“It was as if time stopped. The moment I felt the jolt of impact between Honda Civic and little girl, all I heard was silence. The air itself seemed to go humid and stale, my skin started prickling. When I looked back through the rear view mirror, all I saw was a scene frozen in time. A scene of a crossing guard lady and a bunch of kids crossing the road, minus the one kid of course.”

“Naturally, I reversed the car and just as the earlier thud stopped time, the absolutely giddy ka-ka-karunch-bump of crunching flesh and bone started it all up again. That’s when I heard the screams. That’s when realized that I got a couple more brats on the reverse.”

“I sat there, just... drinking it all in. The screams and the looks on all their faces, some crybaby was bawling her snot out, that was kind of annoying, but eh, you can’t win ‘em all. Eventually, some asshole started whacking my windows and trying to open the doors. Well, obviously, the mood was ruined at that point, so I stepped on the gas and took off. A job well done.”

“Oh, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. It was with that girl, Whatshername, the one with the tits. So there I was in this study room with this fellow I’ve been having the drinkies with, when in comes this chick. She took one look at her murdered parents and then opened her mouth as if to scream. Of course, as is sometimes the case, no sound actually came out. It’s probably some sort of animal instinct where the brain wants to call for help but the body knew better than to attract attention. Aaanyway, I gave my buddy a little wink. And there he thought we were done for the night and should have just left. Boy, did he owe me one for getting him to stick around. So I said to my bff, “So here's the last one. And a lovely one at that...", and then we went and did our groove thang. Several times in fact. Ah, I heard the video we took is one of the most torrented of the year. Once we were done, we called 911 for the little lass and went our separate ways. A funny bunny happy ending.”

“But back to the issues at hand, how could I NOT have committed these heinous crimes of which I’ve been accused of. Stabbing some poor fellow 38 times? Pushing that pregnant lady over the escalator? Dropping bricks down onto unsuspecting pedestrians from the top of the Thistle Hotel? Yaddi yaddi yadda, the list of unfounded accusations go on and on. Don’t even get me started on the one where I alleged, allegedly I say, starved a pack of dogs and locked them in with some old person. They haven’t even found the body for that one yet.”

“So how, boys and girls, could I have NOT done all that?”


“So how could I NOT have? I’ll tell you how. Because it’s not my style. All this stuff is amateur and hackneyed. I mean, the one with the dogs and old lady is sort of a good effort, but I had to work with a total amateur for Whatshername. Everything else doesn’t have the least bit of flair or originality. Do you know WHY you have to hold a trial for me? Do you know WHY there’s the slightest chance that I might be proven innocent of these unfounded accusations? It’s because there’s not a single damn witness to pin any of these on me. And quite frankly, if you’re not going to have an audience to traumatized, what’s the fucking point?”

“So no, I didn’t murder these particular sets of people. But I did murder my defense attorney, and Roy, who’s filling in for Stu.”


Flipping You Off

     Acrobat: standard (rank 1)


The court was in an uproar. The trial started with the entire gallery in quiet seething rage, but as he gave his opening statement, he turned that quiet rage into stunned silence. Like the band of a slingshot, he pulled and he pulled at the tension of everyone in the room. And then he released. He started speaking nonchalantly about “funny bunny happy endings” and “yaddi yaddi yaddas”. Angers flared and the room exploded into angry shouts and even tears. He had just finished “...what’s the fucking point?” when his defense attorney abruptly stood up and started yelling as well.

The time had come.

He positioned himself with his back to his attorney and did a back flip right onto the defense table. He seemed to stumble backward, but in that one flipping and stumbling motion, he slipped his lower body through his handcuffed arms and caught his attorney’s throat right between the cuffs as he fell. As his attorney bent backward, it slowed his fall, allowing him steady himself.

One quick jerk of his cuffed arms and it was over. The defense attorney was dead.


Mind Fucking

     Empathy: standard (rank 1)


The crack of the attorney’s neck echoed throughout the courtroom. Stunned silence returned.

“Well judge, you did say you wanted order in your court.”

In a flash, he was onto the assistant attorney, the cuffs wrapped around her neck.

“Now what we have here, is a Mexican standoff of sorts. Is she a hostage or isn’t she? After all, security is still too slooooow to pull out their guns to point at me. Right now she’s still just a victim, not YET a hostage. So this is a Schrödinger’s Standof-Aaaah, there we go, guns. Now she IS a hostage!”


Dirty Bastard Style Kung-Fu

     Martial Arts: standard (rank 1)


Pulling the assistant attorney with him, he put his back to the wall. The bailiffs and undercover cops surrounded him, brandishing both guns and clubs. He grinned, the situation was getting more tense by the second. The sleepers had broken cover and started yelling at him. One brave soul stood out and tried to get everyone out of the courtroom so the police could do their job, but the guy was barely succeeding, and the media they allowed in were steadfast in their refusal to leave. Just a couple more seconds and... there, the time was right. He turned to one of the bailiffs and spoke.

“Hey Roy, did you catch what I said earlier about killing you?”

The bailiff, Roy, who was filling in for Stu who was down with, now, don’t laugh, but Stu was down with the flu. So Roy was covering for him. Roy was not at all ready for what was happening. Roy thought back to shortly before all hell broke loose and yeah, suddenly, he remembered the little psychopath saying that earlier. He flinched involuntarily, and that was all it took. By the time he finished flinching, the prisoner had already released his hold on the hostage and pushed her toward the rest of security. Using the push to springboard toward the hapless bailiff, the prisoner kept low and managed to stay out of Roy’s field of vision just long enough to deliver a blow to Roy’s nether region, crumpling the bailiff.

Bing Bang Boom!

He got Roy’s gun and already uncuffed himself with the keys the bailiff held.

“Hey Roy, remember when I said I was going to kill you?” He said, pressing the barrel of the gun right between Roy’s eyes.


Better than Blink Dogs

     Teleportation: superior (rank 2)


“I lied.”

With a wink of his eye, he disappeared from the courtroom.


Horn of the Unicorn

     Piercing Weapon: standard (rank 1)


“So there I was, out on the street. I had already gotten out of my clothes. I was perfectly disguised, but the pigs still found me out and chased me hella all around town till I just ‘ported to one of the safe houses you set up for us. Wonder how they figured it was me though? Like I said, I was perfectly disguised.”

Arissa listened attentively to her zealous minion, but made no move save for taking another sip of her tea. Oh, he was a valuable asset, but sometimes he just tried too hard to impress her. Finally, she spoke, “Could it have been your horn, and the fact that your disguise consisted of being totally nude?”

“Hmm, maybe. But that’s a pretty racist and cynical way of searching for someone. It’s not like every unicorn is a crazy ass homocidal mani... okay, we are. But it’s not like I’m the only one out there.”

Arissa remained quiet, it was obvious Unicorn Boy wanted her to get the joke, but she had better things to do than laugh at his sad attempts at humor. The silence finally got to him, and he had to break it.

“Okay, you win. So let me tell you the punch line. I could have just teleported out of there anytime. I didn’t have to actually kill anyone.”

Arissa nodded, “Yes, I agree, it’s not as funny now that you have to explain the punch line.”

Unicorn Boy sat back, his lips curled in an ever so petulant pout. It was just as he thought, he still had a long way to go in the art of fucking with people.

“Fucking people.”