Gender: Male

Kit: Normal

Location: Fine Video Game stores across the universe


Alignment: Hero

Team: Solo Hero


Strength: standard (rank 1)

Agility: standard (rank 1)

Mind: standard (rank 1)

Body: standard (rank 1)

Spirit: (rank )

Charisma: (rank )


Fame Points: -21

Personal Wins: 70

Personal Losses: 66

Team Wins: 0

Team Losses: 0

Tourney Wins: 0

Tourney Losses: 0


Status: Active

Tristan 2010

KHAZAN TEXTRONICS, the little game maker that could, folded ten years ago. The ultimate example of "one hit wonder", its only bestseller game was the BARE CHESTED THUGS™ 8-bit side scroller. This forgotten company's minimal remaining assets and horribly large liabilities were recently bought by CRAZY ROOSTER GAMES for $1, in a business move no one understood until recently. However, CRAZY ROOSTER GAMES has just released its newest First Person Shooter, taking the arcade favorite into the new generation of games, adding in a deep storyline for the two formerly pixilated heroes...


Start cut scene. Begin with the game over - win sequence from original BARE CHESTED THUGS™, in all its 8-bit glory. JOEY and ANDY with their huge freaking assault rifles in their hands, blowing open the dungeon door to reveal the BEAUTY QUEEN GIRLFRIENDS™ waiting, and very grateful to see them. Original win music playing.

Music changes to remix version. Slideshow of pictures, in increasing clarity - as we go from the 8-bit versions to the 7th Generation Console version a step at a time - of the BCTs and the BQGs in various romantic poses. Add sad notes, as we begin new slide show of ANDY and his beauty queen girlfriend in more distant shots - the anatomy of a breakup, documented to a sad pop song.

FADE to black. FADE IN on Andy sitting on an easy chair, watching an infomercial with himself advertising an exercise machine. We can see from both the TV and the man on the easy chair that Andy's kept in shape physically. We're not so sure about his emotional well being though.

After being advised the THUGOMATIC can be yours for five easy payments, TV switches to all-news channel. Breaking News logo splashed on. Announcer dispassionately drones about a kidnapping. Camera pans back to Andy as audio fades out, Andy quickly changing from lethargic to focused and determined.

Pan back to TV, as they show a FILE PHOTO of Andy's BEAUTY QUEEN GIRLFRIEND with the captioned KIDNAPPED!


Press any button to start!


Andy's best friend

     Piercing Weapon: superior (rank 2)

  • Ranged Attack
  • Multi-Attack



"Well, Andy, I knew you'd come back someday." The man limped out from behind the counter of the gun shop and turned his sign from "open" to "closed", and then disappeared into a back room for a moment. He returned with a cardboard box and handed it to Andy. Andy grimly smiled as he opened the box and pulled out a hefty assault rifle. "I made the modifications you asked for. Extra large mags, flash suppressor, full auto, burst mode, attachment rails if you ever want extra goodies. You know, legally, I can't sell this kind of weapon in any of the fifty states or the District of Columbia, but I guess since it was yours to begin with, it's not really selling it, is it?"


Aim Assist

     Marksman: standard (rank 1)



"Follow me back to the range." Andy followed the gun shop owner to the back of the store, past a few old pictures of the owner with Andy back in their military days. The door opened to reveal a shooting range, and after the owner put his earphones and glasses on, he handed Andy a magazine. Silhouettes on hangers motored their way back to the end of the range and Andy flipped the safety off on the gun. It didn't take long at all to give a swiss-cheese look to the targets.

"I guess you've been doing more than those ab-crunches on the THUGOMATIC since the last time I saw you. You used to be a shitty shot; now you could actually hit the broad side of a barn without using five damn mags"


What happened to the six pack?

     Armor: superior (rank 2)



"It's a rougher world out there than the last time you went out", the gun shop owner said. "I haven't seen Joey in forever, and the creeps who got your girl this time probably know how to use their damn guns now. You and I always laughed about how we used to run around the jungle in our jeans and boots, but these days, just like these nights, you gotta bring protection." The owner opened a case and revealed a kevlar vest. "Besides, we all know what your abs look like from the THUGOMATIC infomercials."


Heads Up Display

     Danger Sense: standard (rank 1)


"They're sunglasses, right?"

"Damn, Joey, would I keep a pair of damn sunglasses under lock and key? These bitches cost more than a crate of Ray-Bans. It's not much for now, but eventually I'll get you a set that has a full tactical display on the inside of these lenses. At least for now, it'll tell you what direction the incoming spray of lead's coming from, and maybe, just maybe, a little extra information, a half second of warning, might just save your lousy ass."