Jay, the Unloved Cactus


Gender: Male

Kit: Natural

Location: Tijuana, Mexico


Alignment: Hero

Team: Solo Hero


Strength: standard (rank 1)

Agility: standard (rank 1)

Mind: standard (rank 1)

Body: superior (rank 2)

Spirit: (rank )

Charisma: (rank )


Fame Points: -25

Personal Wins: 27

Personal Losses: 36

Team Wins: 0

Team Losses: 0

Tourney Wins: 0

Tourney Losses: 0


Status: Active

Confession FPT

“Well, I guess what I'm saddest about is that nobody loves me.”

“What do you mean Jay?” the Dr. Bernstein asked, “Why don't you think anybody likes you?”

Jay the Feel Good Cactus, didn't feel very good. In fact he felt unloved. Just plain unloved. And it frustrated him to the point where he was seeking psychological help.

“Stay with me Jay, don't phase out on me,” Dr. Bernstein waved in Jay's face, “Common, tell me more about yourself.” he wrote down on his clip board.

“Well, I guess this all started in my home of Tijuana, Mexico...” Jay trailed off.

“Wow, Jay, thats a rough city, how was your childhood there?”

“My childhood was great! All I did was sit out side of Senor Verde's Wheelchair repair shop-”

“Wait, Jay, who is Senor Verde?” Dr. Bernstein interrupted.

“I guess he's mi padre,” Jay said in a distant voice, “Never thought about it that way...”

“Maybe you feel unloved because your father never let you inside the house?” Dr. Bernstein asked.

“Oh, no, no,” Jay waved his arms, “I loved being outside! I would sit outside his door and welcome the customers! Except...he never had any customers...”

“So you were without purpose?” Dr. Bernstein threw out there.

“Never thought about it, I was too busy watching MMA on the wall of TV's across the street,”

“MMA?” the doctor raised his brow.

“You know MMA? Mixed Martial Arts?” the doctor still looked confused, “You know, two guys fight in a cage? Was outlawed forever then legalized?” nothing was clicking with the doctor, “Brock Lesnar? Tito Ortiz? Cain Velasquez? Not ringing a bell?”

“I'm sorry no. Is it violent?” Dr Bernstein asked.

“Exceedingly, si!” Jay raised his fist.

“And that was all you were exposed to?” he began to write down on his clip board intently.

“Umm, yeah, pretty much,” Jay leaned back on his couch, his needles piercing the fabric.

“Do you think that all the violent images you've seen as a child has implanted itself into your personality causing you to repel people with your meanness?” the doctor bit his pencil.

“I don't think so, I usually make people feel good. Thus the name...”

“Ok, lets move past the MAA fighting, what changed that? What made you get up and move else where?” the Doctor asked.

“Oh! That day! It started off being the best day of my life, but then it became the worst. It started off as an ordinary day, I waited outside for Senor Verde to come into his shop. I waited because I couldn't do much else, I was an ordinary cactus. But that day was the day I became a feel good cactus! Senor Verde came with a sombrero under his arm, right? He was twirling it around, whitleing, and was beaming from ear to ear. He then placed it onto my head and said, 'Now that's a good looking cactus,' and went inside. I didn't know it then, but this would casue a Frosty the Snowman effect that would change my life!”

“So, you became a real boy?”

“Si, almost,” Jay continued, “It was so weird, my arms felt heavy and I had the urge to drop them to my side, thats when I was moved for the first time. My arms fell it was so weird and cool!”

“What was your first thought after that?” the doctor asked.

“Umm, I think it was, 'Holy Crap I have a face...anyway, I wanted to move for the first time so I hopped down the street.”

“So these are your first steps? You know there are Freudian ways to describe your first steps, tell me about them?”

“Well,” Jay thought really hard, “I saw crusty abuelas, intimidating thugs, and orphans.”


“Si! Happy orphans playing in the street. It was a most beautiful sight, muy bonita. They even invited my to play hopscotch.”

“So the homeless orphans where the first people to show you acceptence, besides Senor Verde?”

“Mmhmm, si. But they weren't homeless, they lived with some nuns.”

“Now, up to this point your playing and being accepted, what turned this day so bad?”

“Those orphans I was playing with, well, they all...died...”

“Holy shit, really?” the doctor was shocked.

“Si,” Jay hung his head, “Muy muerto...”

“Did you kill them?” Dr. Bernstein asked.

“What? Tu loco? Of course I didn't kill them! They were shot!” Jay was appalled, “By these evil drug cartel thugs, jefe, these idiot punks just came rolling down the street and let bullets rip everywhere! Killing all the orphans!”

“That must have been very hard on you,” Dr. Bernstein patted Jays hand and recoiled in pain.

“It was harder on the orphans...” Jay trailed off.

“What'd you do? Your new friends are murdered in cold blood? How'd you react?”

“Well, I starting by kicking some cartel goonie ass!” Jay yelled.

“How?” Dr. Bernstein asked.

“I used the sum of all my Mixed Martian Arts knowledge and rained MMA hell upon them!”

“How'd that turn out?”

“I sent them all to the sala de urgencias,”

“The what now?” Dr B asked.

“Emergency room,” Jay smiled.

“I usually don't condone violence, but this was a rare exception, those monsters deserved it,” Dr. B kept writing down things on his board.

“Thats how I feel. Seeing that happen gave me a purpose in life!”

“What is your purpose?”

“Well, I have a few, Jefe,” Jay started, “Uno: do everything I can to never let a child suffer in my presence. Dos: end the reign of all organized crime in Mexico, especially those crazy cartel animals. I hate their freaking guts and I am merciless in my serving of punishemt. Y Tres: find the world's hottest hot sauce!”

“How do you accomplish this?”

“I travel. A lot.” Jay answered.

Dr. Bernstein hesitated, “I see...”


"...tell me more about yourself." Dr. B decided to say.

"Like what?”

“I dunno, favorite color?”

“Verde, green,” Jay said in a Dora-like fashion.

“What do you usually eat?”

“Mi diet consists of Nacho Cheese and Jalapenos.”

“Who are your heros?”

“Definatly Cain Velasquez, that Taco Bell Chihuahua, and Zorro,” Jay smiled.

“Do you think your a superhero?” Dr. B asked.

“Si, of course!”

“Thats not good Jay, role playing fantasies like this is real life is bad,” Dr Bernstein warned him.

“I'm not role playing, I am a hero! I'm the dictionary definition of one! I have extraordinary origins, I travel around, and I save people! I even fight super villains! Ask Fritz, the Actors Guild, Princess Von Wonderbra! I fought all of them!”

“Did you win?” the Doctor asked.

“Well no...” Jay was embarrassed, “buts thats why I came to therapy, to see why people don't like me.”

“This is a dangerous road you are taking Jay,” Dr B said.

“What if I convince you that I'll be ok! That I'm fine and can defend myself? Will that help?” Jay asked.

“I doubt it, but you can try,” Dr. B let him continue.


Cuddly Personality, Rough Exterior

     Armor: standard (rank 1)


“Well,” Jay started, “I may have a cuddly personality, but I have a rough exterior! I'm a flippin' cactus! My insides are soft, but you'll never get there because I'm spiky! I'm ten times worse than a hedgehog and a rose combined, jefe!”

“How does this help in battles, Jay?” Dr B was concerned.

“No one can land a hit on me! Anyone dumb enough to take a swing at me ends up with a messed up hand! Like this one time, in 1998, when I was on the outskirts of Tijuana, I was casing this diamond thief right? And I hopped in front of his path so he wouldn't get to his escape truck and bam!”

“You hit him?”

“No! He hit me. Well, tried to hit me! It didn't work and I was able to return the diamond to the orphans!”

“Why do homeless orphans have a diamond?”


Mad MMA Maniac Mind Fighter! HI-YA!

     Martial Arts: superior (rank 2)


“Also,” continued, “I have insane muscle memory! All those years I spent watching MMA? Well its like engraved into my brain! The Rear Naked Choke, the Knee Bar, the Ankle Lock, you name it I knows it!”

“Knee...bar?” Dr B blinked.

“I'm also an effective striker! I hit like no other! I can throw a swift, fatal punch, faster than it takes Chuck Norris to kill a baby penguin after you look at porn!”

“I'm beginning to question your mental sanity, here Jay...”

“One time I met this guy, right? We were in a diner in the middle of the desert, and he was being a real jerk to this waitress, and I told him to stop. But he didn't. So I punched him down to the floor and applied an arm bar before the waitress could say, 'Toto'. It was like my mind shut down and I let my instincts take over...”

“Why was she saying Toto?”

“Someone had just asked who sang 'Africa',”

“So, uh, what else?” Dr Bernstein awkwardly grinned, holding back what he really wanted to say.


Meet my Left Hook, Jefe!

     Piercing Weapon: superior (rank 2)

  • Ranged Attack
  • Multi-Attack


“And finally I have my secret weapon! My ranged, multi-attack, piercing, secret weapon! Let me introduce you to...mi left hook! Watcha!” Jay swung his arm super quick.

Dr Bernstein looked unimpressed, “Thats it? Your left arm? Thats not the exclamation point I was expecting. Thats more of an ellipsis...”

“Why do I need to explain 'piercing weapon' to you? My whole body is a piercing weapon, I'm a cactus! I told you I punch fast, well, that goes double for my left arm! Don't you know what this baby has done?” Jay kissed his muscle, “This baby made an adobe wall bleed and made it run back home, crying to its mama. He then hit its mama and made her cry. It punched a hole through Paris Hilton's self respect. My left arm, shook Bob Dole's hand once, you do the math. My left hook, made Avatar drop out of its number one spot. I don't even want to tell you what it did to the Titanic, the real Titanic...”

“Wow, Jay,” Dr Bernstein said, rubbing his eyes, “I really don't believe any of this bullshit, anymore. You had me going, but you lost me, really. I don't even...”

“Oh great,” Jay frowned, “Now you don't like me either...I feel so unloved...”

“Don't feel bad Jay,” Dr Bernstein patted him on the back, then recoiled his hand in pain, “Even though your full of shit, theres hope for people tp like you.”

“Really?” Jay's face exploded in happiness.

“You see, Jay, people are shallow, and they probably don't like you because you look so gay. Now, if you looked a bit more emo, or scean, people might start liking you.”

“Gee! Thanks Dr. Bernstien! I'll try that!”

“Any time Jay,” Dr. B smiled, “That will me 5,000 dollars!”