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Alex Cross vs. Azazel

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer vs. Bone Saw McGraw

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JohnnyChany

Match 13903 Hawkgirl (Shayera Hol) vs. Deathbird

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In the Satellite of Love, Mike Nelson prepared himself for bed after yet another day of watching an offensively horrible movie.

 

“See you guys in the morning,†Mike said meekly to his two robotic friends.

 

“Goodnight Mike!†Crow and Tom Servo responded in unison.

 

After Mike disappeared into his room, Crow leaned over to Servo. “I think something is wrong with Mike.â€

 

“Yeah. He has been melancholy for weeks now. I think this whole thing is really starting to get to him,†said Servo.

 

“You think he is lonely?†wondered Crow.

 

“Lonely? He has you, me, and Gypsy and Cambot and...â€

 

“No. I mean..... lonely.â€

 

“Ohhh. Yeah, I guess he would be be feeling pretty lonely after being stranded up here for so long.â€

 

“We need to find him a girlfriend,†Crow suggested.

 

Tom Servo moved his small body to look to the left, then moved his body to look to the right. “Exactly where can we find him one of those?â€

 

Crow though for a moment. “Ha! I’ve got an idea!â€

 

Crow ran to the bridge. Tom Servo slowly hovered behind him. When Tom finally reached the bridge he saw Crow furiously writing on a piece of paper.

 

“What are you doing?†Tom asked.

 

“I’m writing Mike a personal ad. Then I’m going to shoot in to space so that Mike can find the woman of his dreams,†answered Crow.

 

“That is a stupid idea,†remarked Tom. He hovered away, but then quickly returned. “So what do you got so far?â€

 

Crow cleared his throat and then read from the paper. “Mike Nelson. Single man in desperate need of a female companion to help him endure the horrific movies he is forced to watch by a crazy lady, a talking ape, and a guy who carries around his brain in a flat bowl. Must enjoy the cinema and robotics since his only current friends are robots built by the previous poor sap who was tricked into this wacky experiment.†Crow gave his friend an expectant look. “So what do you think?â€

 

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Tom Servo shook his head. “We are never going to get him a girlfriend with that. It comes across as pathetic and way too honest. If we are going to do this, we need to use the time honored human tradition of contorting the facts to make yourself appeal more attractive to the opposite sex.â€

 

“What did you have in mind?â€

 

“Captain Mike J. Nelson, the hero himself, is in search for a compatible female first mate to help him in his never ending battle against the nefarious Empress Pearl and her evil advisors, Bobo the Hairy and Big Brain. If you are seeking romance and adventure, come meet Mike Nelson in the Satellite of Love.â€

 

Crow frantically tried to keep up with Tom’s dictation. “Should we add something about the fact that he blew up three planets to make him look more badass?â€

 

“No. What if this personal ad lands in the hands of some sad survivor from one of the planets he helped destroy? That would make the first date incredibly awkward.â€

 

“Good call,†said Crow. The lanky robotic spider monkey pulled out a clear container and placed the note in it.

 

“You really think this is going to work?†Servo asked.

 

“Of course it will work. It will be just like all those stories of guys putting notes in bottles and throwing them out into the ocean. It always worked out well for them, right? I just wonder if we will find another human out here.â€

 

“I think that ship has long sailed, my friend. I’m sure Mike would just be happy with whatever he can get at this point. I do hope that whomever finds this will end up liking Mike too,†said Servo.

 

“She will,†Crow announced with confidence. “We have seen it in movies hundreds of times. Fate brings together a guy and a girl who would otherwise have no business being around each other. Contrived events and a lack of other options makes them attracted to each other. They have a misunderstanding of some sort, but then realize that they are actually in love with this person who they have just met. I’m certain it works that way in life all time. Fleshies are weird creatures, I can’t explain it.â€

 

“Alright, let’s do this.†Tom Servo suddenly stopped himself. “Wait a minute, how is Mike’s future dream girl going to find us?â€

 

“Umm... We have those homing beacons that we never found a use for!â€

 

“Tremendous idea. Just place one in the container and we will place one under the steering wheel.â€

 

Several minutes later, Crow and Tom Servo stood by the shuttle chute and gazed out the side window.

 

“Hey, let’s aim for that worm hole!†Crow exclaimed. “Express delivery!â€

 

Weeks went by and the Satellite of Love received no answer from their personal ad. Crow and Tom Servo started to doubt the possibility of success for their carefully constructed plan. Meanwhile, Mike Nelson’s ennui continued to grow to the point that even Pearl became concerned... slightly. One day out of pity, She decided to give Mike and his crew the day off so he took the opportunity to do some repair work in the theater.

 

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Outside the Satellite of Love, a small Shi’ar ship appeared next to the vessel. Inside the ship was Deathbird, sister of Empress Lilandra. Deathbird was currently scouting unexplored quadrants of the galaxy in hopes of finding strategic bases she could use in her war against her sister for conrtol of the Shi’ar Empire. She approached the unknown ship with caution. Could it be a scouter ship for some distant race? The fact that no defense measures were being employed by the ship put Deathbird’s apprehension at ease. It must be a peaceful vessel. She decided to dock and board the ship. She figured she would torture its inhabitants for information about the area.

 

Deathbird slowly walked on to the bridge and inspected the dashboard.

 

"Hey, do you hear that?†said Crow. “Sounds like somebody is walking around on the bridge.â€

 

“That’s strange. Mike is still working in the theater room,†stated Servo.

 

“Oh my god! We’re being robbed! We’re being robbed!†cried Crow. He ran back and forth in a panic.

 

“Crow! Crow! Get a hold of yourself,†shouted Tom. “What would they take? Where would they go?â€

 

Crow shrugged.

 

“Let’s go check it out,†Tom suggested.

 

The two robots entered the bridge and received a full view of Deathbird rummaging through their stuff.

 

“Hi!†called out Servo. “Are you here in response to our ad? It looks like you even dressed up for the occasion. I am certain Mike will like that.â€

 

“Silence, You fool!†Deathbird commanded. In one swift motion, she lifted Tom Servo up by his gum ball machine shaped head and thrust him into the wall.

 

“Hey! That wasn’t very nice,†said Crow.

 

“If you don’t want the same fate for yourself, you will answer all my questions you hunk of junk,†Deathbird threatened.

 

“Yeah, sure, OK. What do you want to know? Mike’s favorite food? Political leanings?â€

 

“Are there any soldiers on this vessel? Or any beings with super powers?†Deathbird inquired.

 

“Servo is really good at impressions, that is kind of like a super power.†Crow wilted under the intensity of Deathbird’s glare. “But, that’s probably not what you are referring to.â€

 

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The robot, Gypsy, poked her head onto the bridge. “What’s all that noise?â€

 

Deathbird quickly grabbed Crow and held her razor sharp talons to his throat. “If you come any closer you box headed snake, I will cut his head clean off.â€

 

Gypsy froze in fear. “As you were.â€

 

Inside the theater, Mike had just finished tightening the screws on Crow’s seat when he heard a lot of shouting echoing down the hallway. He jumped to his feet and headed toward the commotion. He stepped onto the bridge just as Tom Servo collected himself off the ground.

 

“What is going on out here? Who is that?†asked Mike.

 

“She is here to date you, Mike, but she is crazy. And not like the sexy cool crazy, just the crazy crazy,†Tom Servo informed.

 

“Date me?â€

 

Outside, another space ship pulled up near the Satellite of Love. This time it was a personal cruiser piloted by Hawkgirl, Shayera Hol. She held Crow and Tom’s container in her hand.

 

“I can’t believe J’onn sent me to check this out,†she mumbled. “It is clearly not a call for assistance, it’s a call for a hookup.â€

 

She docked and exited her ship. As she entered the Satellite of Love she heard shouting and what sounded like a robot crying.

 

Crow was the first one to notice Shayera. He was still in Deathbird‘s clutches.

 

“Help! Please help!†he pleaded.

 

“Who are you?†demanded Deathbird.

 

“I could be asking you the same question,†replied Shayera. “Why is that robot so afraid of you?â€

 

“Because I’m going to send it to the scrap heap if it doesn’t stop whimpering. And next will be his little red friend if he asks me one more time about my hobbies.â€

 

Mike Nelson spoke up. “For the record, I have no idea what’s going on here, but I think we can all talk about this and figure it out.†Mike spotted Shayera’s mace. “Holy cow! That is a big weapon!â€

 

“I’m starting to think there is nothing of value to talk about here,†said Deathbird. “I doubt any of you sniveling cowards has any useful information for me about this quadrant. I should just kill you all and be done with it.â€

 

“No one is killing anyone,†Shayera declared.

 

“No one tells me what to do. You better realize and respect who you are talking to. I am feeling generous. If you are not part of this crew, I will let you leave in one piece if you do it now,†warned Deathbird.

 

Shayera firmly stood her ground. “I’m not going anywhere.â€

 

Deathbird carelessly tossed Crow away and squared off against Hawkgirl.

 

Mike rushed over to help up Crow. “Will you guys please tell me what’s happening here.â€

 

“I believe they are both here to fight for your love and affection,†Servo explained. â€Apparently you attract winged women.â€

 

“What??â€

 

Crow chuckled a little as he fixed his gold colored jaw. “This might be the greatest thing we have had the pleasure to witness since we were created.â€

 

“It will also probably tear up the ship,†Mike lamented.

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Very nice and unexpected set up.

Both women are fast and agile and both are exceptional flyers. Deathbird has a big strength advantage and her javelins and energy bolts give her an advantage at range too. Hawkgirl's mace is the big equalizer but it's hard to know if it'll be enough. I'm going to give it to Deathbird on a slim margin but these two would make excellent adversaries.

The station does get trashed, and Mike does not get lucky.

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Match Final Results

USER RATINGS

patrickthekid gives it a grade of: A

xLEGACYx gives it a grade of: A

Dinsdale Piranha gives it a grade of: A Good all around

michalecs gives it a grade of: A Very clever setup. An MST3K reference will always be a pleasant read for me.

Dark Spider-man gives it a grade of: A

SCORE

Hawkgirl (Shayera Hol): 9

Deathbird: 5

FPA: 4.0

 

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