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Match 13800 Hannibal Lecter vs. Randal Graves

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As Dante was bagging what seemed to be an unholy amount of alcohol for a couple that could be found in the encyclopedia under trash Randal sipped  a slushy and took note of the confederate flag on the man’s shirt (well man was probably the right word but it seemed more like an orc. He then cursed himself for thinking orc) and the large gun sticking out of his pants. He fought the urge to ask him what he thought of the president.


They also had a pack of diapers with them but when the woman gave Dante the cash they were a little short. The couple shared a look that seemed to convey, “Not this crap again.â€, and put back the diapers. Dante felt disgusted but kept quiet. Randal however felt the need to speak up.


“Excuse me, Ennis and Tammy Lynn; sorry if those aren’t your name but if not they probably should be.†He began. “Normally I would assume this was an April fool’s joke based on an Ed Byrne routine but you seem like the kind of people who don’t believe in Europe. So I have to ask. What do you think of the president?â€


Ennis gave an answer Randal didn’t quite get but it sounded, through an accent thick enough to cut through a knife, like “Whadjusedameboiâ€


“Sorry I misfired there, too many things. What I meant to say was you’re trash and your parents were probably siblings.†Randal continued. “Oh and let’s see how you like itâ€, he added while throwing the slushy over the man’s pants.


Ennis drew his gun but was interrupted by Silent Bob cracking a miniature bat over his head. As Ennis hit the floor, Jay stood over him, “Scooch to the nooch redneckâ€, he mocked as Silent Bob restrained the now enraged Tammy Lynne who seemed intent on scratching his eyes out and insisting he was named Motherf***er.


“I think you owe us, dudes.†Jay said as his hetero life mate continued to grapple with a hysterical hillbilly.


“We let you sell weed and fireworks in front of the store and once let you take an ape in here.†Randal answered.  â€œAs you may have noticed the smell of what happened has not completely disbursed and for legal reasons none of us are allowed to mention it in public. You owe us at least three more of these. †He continued as Silent Bob began screaming and bleeding. Tammy Lynne had gotten a grip on his face and groin. “Ok maybe two.â€


Dante looked on in shock.


One police pick up later Dante was massaging his temples as Randal was explaining his theory on the resurrection of Donna Troy.


“So they bring her back with Wally West’s memory of her and they acknowledge that there may be parts of her missing but they don’t admit to what might be a part of her psyche that wasn’t there before. Conceivably they had to use his conscious as well as subconscious to fill in the details like how use the toilet and all that but do’s that mean that mean that every thought he has ever had about her is in her head now because if so she definitely has some weird stuff in there. He met her when he was a teenager and what teenage boy doesn’t have fantasies about anything that even looks female. At fifteen I had a strange thing for Daisy Duck. This means she isn’t really a sentient being her actions are determined at least in part by what a teenage boy thought women act like. I guarantee that off panel she was offering head with less impunity than your entire list of ex-girlfriends.â€


 â€œF*** youâ€, Dante responded. "Jesus Christ you nearly got us killed today and all you can talk about are the possible weird implications of comic books."


“What I knew Silent Bob was there to help.† 


“What if he isn’t next time? And anyway he is in the hospital right now because you dragged him into your own conflict. What if the next customer you pick a fight with is some super intelligent serial killer.

“Hey by picking a fight and ensuring their arrest I probably ensured the kid who needed those diapers will probably get at least some attention from social services. By most systems of morality I’m a hero. Bring on the serial killer.â€


Dante sighed as a customer, in a trench coat and hat, who had been viewing the meat’s approached the counter.


“Excuse me,†the man interjected. “I couldn’t help but overhear and I must say I agree with himâ€, he said gesturing to Randal, on both accounts.†“A woman constructed from a man’s subconscious is bound to suffer from the perversions that dominate the male psyche. And to challenge barbarians is the moral obligation of any being with a developed brain.â€


As Randal smirked he added, “However if you do have the time to ponder the implications of the most base of media and the will to wantonly risk your life than one must wonder if it is because you resent  your existence working as a clerk so badly or if your habit of both is the reason you can do nothing more than the work of a lowly clerk.â€


He spoke in an accent that sounded uniquely alien and it conveyed such authority it sounded almost inhuman. The contempt in his words washed over Randal and the ‘lowly clerk retorted.


“Ok first of all I didn’t do anything last summer.  Second of all, wow I’ve never felt or had it pointed out to me that my job was dead end. There is no way I could be ok with that. Third of all screw you. You seem intelligent, educated. But if your that big of an asshole you’re probably a freak too.â€

“Hmmmmmm,†Randal exclaimed, examining the customer in a mocking fashion, “I’m getting mommy issues some; some kind of sexual deviancy. Old and fat but in a way that really insecure chicks like. Like Tony Soprano. Are you a shrink? One with some major problems himself maybe. Wait, wait, wait scratch mommy issues, sister issues. Growing up you wanted to bone your sister that led to anger which led to antisocial behaviour. How am I doing? He asked.


Dante crept up next to Randal and whispered in his ear. “Randal I think that’s Hannibal Lecter, the escaped psychopath.â€




Hannibal Lecter looked at the impudent youth in front of him and felt the urge to cut his heart out. But he kept his composure. He would not let this punk best him.

“Sir I hit the silent alarm and the police will be on their wayâ€. Dante exclaimed, in a deadpan voice that concealed his fear. Mostly.


“No you haven’t.†Hannibal responded, laying a knife over the counter. “Your hands haven’t left the comforting gesture formed on your fleshy torso. If they do I will cut them off and insert them into each orifice! As for you,†He went on pointing the blade at Randal, You and I are going to have a nice, long talk.â€


If Randal was scared it didn’t show. He grinned and said to the cannibal. “Great I love mind games. And based on what I’ve read about you I was doing pretty well before. Also I’ve always wanted to ask at what point did the eating of people turn from a revenge thing into a sex thing?â€

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Hannibal wins if he can break Randal's snarky demeaner and leave him weeping on the floor. Randal wins if he can make Hannibal lose his cool. Essentailly it's a battle of who can play to the others insecurities better. And I do think Randal would be a suprisingly good verbal opponent for Hannibal. He has the blend of insight, charisma and vulgarity to compete with the best of the best thriller villains. Weather or not he will survive winning is not an issue.       

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Interesting idea. While Randal might be able to get Lecter's rage up a bit, I think Hannibal is cunning enough himself to note what the clerk is playing at. He'll catch on to the point to make it look as if Graves got to him but will then lecture the boy to the point of tears and beyond.


In terms of survival  now...I'd hope more for Jay and Silent Bob's arrival for the save more then any of the law enforcement in that universe. Course then again if anyone had called the police on those two it's possible a cop presence might be headed that way regardless. Of which then it might get deadly for Randall and Dante.


Like the idea though!

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Hannibal was already listening to Randall so knowing him he probably already caught on to what type of snarky kid he is dealing with. Hannibel won't just leave him crying on the floor like a kid who gets there candy stolen. He will leave him without a body part or two.

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Match Final Results


bigballerju gives it a grade of: A


Hannibal Lecter: 7

Randal Graves: 3

FPA: 4.0


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