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Brian was at the Drunken Clam with his buddies. He had a wide grin on his face, like a child being told he was going to Chuck E. Cheese for the weekend with the only family member in his household who doesn't molest him. His friends, Peter, Quagmire, and Joe were looking glum. "What you smiling about, Brian?" Peter asked. "The Patriots are out again and now our lives are temporarily without meaning once more." "Well, my good friends," said Brian. "I'm not gonna be alone THIS Valentine's Day." "Who'd you meet this time?" asked Quagmire, his head on the table, unsurprised. "I met a woman online who's from Rhode Island. Her user name is notatallunder18. We're actually gonna spend Valentine's Day together at my place." Brian went into tears. "I've....I've never felt so happy in my life. Finally, I have a woman to grow old with..." Brian was about to cry in happiness, but then Quagmire interrupted him. "Brian?" said Quagmire. "I've....I've got a night with that same woman on Valentine's Day." "Well, congrats, man! Wishing you the best of- wait, what?" "Her and I had arranged to meet at my place for V-Day the night before." Quagmire explained. "Dumbass." Quagmire downed his beer in one big gulp, laid down his money for the bartender, and walked off about 'how Brian always ruins everything' and how 'it's hysterical and depressing how he sucks more at getting women than Charlie Sheen." Peter and Joe bursted with laughter. "It's...it's funny because --" "YES, PETER!! I GET IT!! I'VE SEEN TWO AND A HALF MEN!! (TV CENSOR), YOUR JOKES HAVE BEEN SUCKING SO F(TV CENSOR)CKING BAD!!! GOD, I FEEL LIKE ABSOLUTE FU(TV CENSOR)ING CR(TV CENSOR)P TONIGHT!!" Brian turned his head to look at the audience. "AND CR(TV CENSOR)P ISN'T A FU(TV CENSOR)KING SWEAR WORD, YOU TV CENSORING DUMBASSES!! THIS ISN'T EVEN AN ACTUAL EPISODE! ALL IT IS IS A (TV CENSORING) FAN FICTION WRITTEN BY SOME INDEFINITELY MORBIDLY OBESE, ACNE-TESTICLED, NEARSIGHTED, HUMAN CLUSTERF(TV CENSOR)CK OF A CLUSTER F(TV CENSOR)CK WHO'S PROBABLY STILL LIVING WITH HIS PARENTS AT AGE THIRTY-F(TV CENSOR)KING SIX!!" Brian began panting heavily. "S....Sorry. I went way off-track there." Brian said, calmly. Brian downed his beer and laid his tab. He then saw Peter and Joe covering their ears, blood trickling down. "Ugh...don't tell me you got offended by all that..." Brian grumbled. "Nah. It was those loud censors." said Peter. "What?" asked Joe. "Great. Now I can't walk or hear. THIS IS PERFECT!!" --February 14th, 2013, Quagmire's House-- Quagmire heard the doorbell and walked over to the front door. When he opened it, he saw a woman of rather short stature with a high-pitched voice, brunette hair, and a Twilight T-Shirt with Edward hugging Belle. "Hi, I'm Elizabeth Hamilton, notatallunder18?" she said, smiling. "Oh, hi." Quagmire smiled back. "Come on in." Quagmire went to escort her up the stairs to his room, when Brian appeared from behind the wall. "Hello, Elizabeth Hamilton?" Brian asked. "I'm uh...the guy you met from online?" "Oh. Which one? Martiniman55 or CatsFTW61?" Elizabeth asked. "Which one did you arrange to meet with tonight again?" Brian asked. "CatsFTW61." she replied. "I'm the guy." said Brian as she took her hand. "WHAT?? But --" "Cool. Just let me get dressed." she told him as she went into Quagmire's bathroom. "Oh, (TV CENSOR) you, Brian!!" yelled Quagmire. "You know, I actually loved this girl?? I LOVED HER!! I F(TV CENSOR)ING hate you, you stupid asshole!" Quagmire, in tears, ran to the front door, but bumped into a man in a business suit and a brown, stylish haircut. "Hey, watch where you're going!" "Glenn Quagmire?" asked the man. "You can't have her." he snapped. "I'm not here for her, though." the man responded. "I'm Chris Hansen, Dateline NBC." Quagmire happily shook hands with him. "Chris Hansen? Oh, Im a big fan of yours!" giggled Quagmire excitedly. "Why don't you sit down and make yourself at home." "No, I'd recommend that YOU'D have a seat, sir?" asked Hansen. "Oh, it's fine. I'm good." said Quagmire. "No, I insist." said Chris Hansen. "Why don't you have a seat over there, sir?" "Oh, you're so kind- wait umm...what do you mean by that, sir?" "I just want you to....have a seat." Hansen insisted. Quagmire nervously sat down. "So, Mr. Quagmire, how long have you been dating these online fifteen year olds?" "Fifteen year olds?" asked Quagmire, outraged. "Sir, I just want to tell you that Ive banged tons of women in my life, and not ONE of them was fifteen! Well, except Meg during Season 1 off-screen. *giggity* But STILL! I don't do that at all!" "Can you explain your chat conversations with a user by the name of 'notatallunder18' for me then?" asked Hansen. "Oh, you mean the not-underage chick? She's upstairs getting banged by Brian." -----UPSTAIRS------- Brian was in Quagmire's bed violently humping Elizabeth under the covers when a police officer forcefully kicked the door open with his foot. "Dont move! Police!" they shouted as they pointed their guns. Brian came out from under the covers frantically with his arms raised, and without even thinking, got on all fours and darted past the cops as they constantly fired at him. ---OUTSIDE--- Brian ran through Quagmire's front door and went back to the Griffin House, hiding behind a bush. Then, he jumped. Quagmire was right next to him. Quagmire grabbed Brian. "SHH! They'll notice us." said Quagmire. "Glenn, why the he'll did you call the cops on me??" Brian loudly whispered. "I didn't, you dumbass!" yelled Quagmire. "I guess that judging by Chris Hansen's cameo, the cops firing at you, and Elizabeth's love for Twilight, this was a predator trap from Chris Hansen." "FREEZE! Police!" The cops opened fire at the bush before finding out they were in Brian's car. Brian was at the wheel and Quagmire was in the front seat, shooting his pistol at them. "Where'd you get that?" asked Brian. "Got laid at a pro-gun meeting." said Quagmire. "SHUT UP AND KEEP DRIVING!" The police sirens grew louder as Brian increased pressure on the front pedal. "By the way, did you manage to get Hansen's autograph?" asked Brian. "Agh! I should've remembered!" said Quagmire as he face-palmed. "Speaking of which, whatever happened to that woman?" -----QUAGMIRE'S BEDROOM----- Stewie was removing his Twilight T-shirt and his brunette wig. "Well, that was a lot smaller than I had anticipated." he mumbled.