Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Clearwater, Florida. Bozo Nancy Walker called 911 complaining of exhaustion. When fire department paramedics arrived she explained that she wasn’t really "exhausted". She was just "tired" of her husband. Turns out that’s not a valid reason to call 911. She’s been charged with 911 abuse.
Bozo criminal for today comes from our Things Are Not Always What They Seem Department. From Medford, Oregon comes the story of a bozo who broke the window of a pharmacy late Saturday night and grabbed all the prescriptions from the "O" section. Police believe he was after the narcotic oxycodone. Unfortunately, prescriptions orders are sorted alphabetically by the customers last names, not the name of the drug. Oops.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Joplin, Missouri, where bozo Paul Harper broke into a car and stole a purse containing a number of items, including a two-carat diamond ring. After waiting a few hours, our bozo took the ring to a local jewelry store and said he wanted to sell it. The cops had already sent a description of the stolen ring to local merchants and the jeweler recognized it. He stalled the man and called the cops. When the police arrived, our bozo swallowed the ring and then denied ever having it. Unfortunately, trying to swallow a two-carat diamond ring is like trying to swallow one of those horse-pill vitamins without a glass of water, a tough job. While he was denying the crime, he started to cough and out popped the ring, right in front of the cops. He’s busted.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. Police in Orlando Florida, were looking for a stolen vehicle when they spotted a 1998 Dodge Durango matching the description parked in front of a residence. They checked the license plate and, Bingo! They had a match. It was what they saw when they confronted our bozo thief inside the house that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. Inside, they found bozo car thief Michael Evans playing a game on his X-box. And the game he was playing…Grand Theft Auto. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Flagstaff, Arizona, where our unidentified bozo must have thought he had hit the jackpot. A local smoke shop had put together a window display featuring "Spice" fake marijuana and a $200 incense vaporizer. Our bozo smashed a glass door and made off with the goodies. Police are following up several leads in hopes of finding our no doubt very disappointed Bozo.
Bozo criminal for today may not think of himself as a criminal, and you may sympathize, but he’s under arrest just the same. From Ansonia, Connecticut comes the story of bozo James Thomas who was angry when a group of youths pelted his car with snowballs. Taking matters into his own hands, he stopped the car, pulled out a knife and forced one of the snowball throwers into his car. He then drove the boy home before releasing him, unharmed. The police didn’t see the humor in it, however. He’s been charged with first degree kidnapping, which carries a charge of 10 to 25 years in prison.
Bozo criminal for today comes form Oldsmar, Florida, where bozo Gregory Olson called 911, claiming he’d been beaten and shot at and had suffered a broken nose and was bleeding from the ears. Police officers rushed over, only to find that our bozo was perfectly fine. He just needed a ride to the local bar, and he was hoping the 911 officers would accommodate him. They gave him a ride all right, straight to the county jail.
While we find it difficult to call today’s bozo a "criminal", his taste in music is certainly open to question. From Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, comes the story of bozo Paul Stephens. Police were called to his apartment at 3:11 AM after receiving numerous complaints about the noise coming from inside. When the cops arrived, they discovered the "noise" was actually the music of the late singer John Denver, which our bozo had cranked up to at least 11. When asked why he had turned the music up to such a high level, he simply replied that he was "Rocking out." Apparently the cops didn’t like his taste in music, either. He’s been charged with disturbing the peace.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Evans, Colorado, where bozo Raul Velez had a burglary planned. He was going to break into the home of a friend of his ex-wife, steal some items, and for some reason, beat up her new boyfriend. One thing he didn’t count on. His kids were there to identify him. It seems the friend was baby sitting his children, ages 8 and 11 and they quickly identified Daddy even though his face was covered by a bandanna. He fled but was arrested and charged with attempted burglary.
Sometimes our bozo criminals are such bozos they fail even in their attempts to become criminals. Case in point, our bozo for today from Portland, Oregon. Bozo Thomas Penney walked into a FedEx Kinko’s store and handed an employee a note which said, "This is a robbery. I’ll wait outside for the police. Sorry." And that’s just what he did, after handing the clerk the note he walked outside and sat down. Responding officers took our bozo into custody but say since he did not have a weapon and didn’t carry out a robbery, he can’t be charged. The best they’ve been able to come up with is a charge of initiating a false report, which doesn’t usually carry a jail sentence.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Bishop for sending in today’s report. From Conroe, Texas, comes the story of four bozo burglars who made a number of mistakes in their attempt to break into a jewelry store. First, they set off the store’s silent alarm when they attempted to cut a hole through the roof. That’s strike one. Second, the bozo posted as a lookout failed to notice the approaching cops and warn the bozos inside the store. Strike two. And third, their escape was foiled because the getaway car driver fell asleep. Strike three. They’re busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Murfreesboro, Tennessee, where bozo Nathan Brown stopped at a gas station to fill up his car. After he was parked at the pump for nearly an hour, a store employee went to check on him, finding him asleep in the front seat. It was what he noticed in the back seat that caused all the trouble. It was a methamphetamine lab, in full operation with a batch of meth being cooked. Cops were called, our bozo was awakened and arrested.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ed Doherty for sending in today’s report from Uniontown, Pennsylvania. Bozo Craig Donaldson had just been released from the hospital, after being treated for injuries incurred in a fight with his ex-girlfriend, in which she hit him with a frying pan and a table leg. He then set up a meeting with her to pay for his drugs at the local Wal-Mart where he had gone to pick up the prescription. And did we mention he went to the Wal-Mart while still wearing his hospital gown? When the ex arrived with $50, instead of using it for medication, he snatched it from her and sped away. On one of the store’s motorized shopping carts. Not surprisingly, he was quickly apprehended and charged with robbery.
Today we have another example of a bozo foiled by modern technology. From Pelham, New York, comes the story of bozo Jeremiah Green who is suspected of committing 13 car burglaries. During one of those burglaries he stole an Xbox gaming system. What he didn’t realize was that when he hooked up the Xbox at his home, it connected to the Internet. Police were able to track the Xbox using its IP address and place our bozo under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ed Doherty for sending in today’s report. From Sacramento, California, comes the story of two bozo burglars who were on the run from pursuing sheriff’s deputies. Our bozos ran across a school campus and onto the football field where a practice was going on. Unfortunately for them, the practice was for the upcoming "Pig Bowl", an annual matchup between local firefighters and law enforcement officers. The cops were glad to take a break and help their fellow officers tackle our bozos. Final score: Police 7, Bozos 0.
Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for sending in today’s report. From Marathon, Florida, comes the story of bozo Steven Lucas who returned to his garden to find that his marijuana plants had been pulled up by the roots. In their place was a note reading, "Thanks for the grow! You want them back? Call for the price." Our bozo immediately dialed the number and negotiated a $200 ransom for the plants. When he arrived at the agreed upon meeting place, he was met by the cops who had removed the plants and left the note, never expecting that he would call. He’s busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bruce Bain for sending in today’s report from Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Police were called to a residence after receiving reports of drug use. When plain clothes officers knocked on the door, our bozo answered, took one look at them, and said, "Get inside quick, before the cops get here." Oops. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Athens, Tennessee, where bozo Nicholas Nalls needed some quick cash, so he decided to steal a soft drink machine. It was how he went about it that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He wrapped a chain around the machine, and attached the chain to the back of his truck, and drug the big box down the highway with sparks flying everywhere. Needless to say, this attracted a lot of attention, including the local cops. They followed him, and the Coke machine, for several miles, until the chain finally broke and he decided to pull over. He’s under arrest.