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Agent Stevens: Action Hero Extreme | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
"What you have there agent Stevens is a grappling gun designed to fit into your shoe. Granted if you ever use it, it is suggested you take off your shoes first. Next up is the compact rocket launcher-launcher." "So it fires Rockets?" "No it fires rocket launchers which can then be used to fire rockets. A little inefficient maybe, but we're working on it. Next up is this wrist watch which can emit a small electric tazer shock, focus a high intensity sonic pitch, and will explode if the crank is turned three times." "I assume it can also tell the time?" "Don't be ridiculous, that wouldn't make any sense. Besides you won't have time to look at your watch, not with all the explosions and sonic blasts it'll be firing" "Oh of course" "Along with that you have two 9mm pistols, a few grenades, an assault rifle with scope, a compact bow, this cobra launcher, and yes it does exactly what you think. A small paint gun for off time, a tranquilizer gun, a flamethrower, a bag of handheld smoke bombs, this miniaturized remote detonation bomb" "Out of pure curiosity, why is the bomb shaped like a puppy?" "What do you mean why? It is a perfect disguise. The enemy thinks that it is a cute little doggy; they go to pick it up, then KABBOOM! Puppy explodes blowing them into a million pieces, Bwahaaha... Oh yes and finally this pen" Agent Stevens gingerly held the pen out and examined it. "Does it... explode?" "No. Don't be silly it's just an ordinary pen... an ordinary pen which contains poison ink to spray your enemies with! ... But aside from that it's just a normal pen. I suppose you could write with it but poison ink is kind of, "expensive". Get its ex-pen-sive, HA! I crack myself up.
"I've noticed something odd" he said aloud even though no one was with him. "It's quite, too quite.... There must be NINJAS!!!!!" As he said this black robed warriors of the orient appeared from nowhere. They circled John and prepared to fight. Not together of course, instead they circled him then attacked him one by one as if they were waiting in line to get there ass handed to them. John blocked, parried, and struck his opponents defeating them all like a pro. Granted he probably had at least eight weapons on him at the time and could have used any of them to defeat the ninja, but it was about the principle of the thing. Ninjas had to be fought hand to hand. The fighting continued until there was only one ninja left. That ninja turned to John and said. "You may have defeated the other thirteen of my brothers before me... but I feel lucky!" The ninja charged and jumped into a roundhouse kick. Everything slowed down to super dramatic slow motion as John caught the ninja in the air and began to swing him around like a lasso before throwing him to the ground. John walked over to the downed and now somewhat nauseas shinobi. He picked him up and started yelling "Who sent you? Why did you come?!!" "Go to hell Stevens I will never tell you!" replied the ninja. Stevens looked around and said "aha!!" The ninja watched as he grabbed the nearest trash can and began to just beat the warrior over the head. (WHAM!!) (WHAM!!) (WHAM!!) "Owww, O.K. I'll tell you everything I know." (WHAM!!) "Stop I already agreed to help" (WHAM!!) (WHAM!!) "Now your just being mean" Steven grabbed the ninja by the throat and once more yelled "Who sent you?!!" The ninja tried to respond but passed out from the massive concussion he had suffered. So the chase was on.
"All right in between me and that door there are eight armed guards with Uzis. The catwalk has no cover and I'd have to run fifty feet without getting shot once. I'd also have to do it before the puppy bomb goes off and causes a chain reaction destroying the whole building. Then once I'm outside I'd have to cover my self to make sure that the rain of falling debris doesn't crush me like an ant. Sounds plausible enough" John started to run and jumped up onto the catwalk but was seen by the guards. They all opened fire and unloaded their cartridges upon him. Somehow not a one of the hundreds of bullets fired hit their target as John escaped out onto the fire escape. "Damn how the hell did that happen?" Yelled a very aggravated guard. "Come on lets follow him outside" He yelled to his men. "Wait guys' said the guard everyone referred to as Geezer. Geezer had been a guard/henchman for thirty years and was going to retire in two weeks. "I just found this cute little puppy" he said. "Ohhh you're soo cute. Waiiit, you're not a puppy" As he said this, the puppy bomb went off killing Geezer and exploding the gas tanks within the core of the building. The whole plant exploded into a giant fireball killing almost everyone. As the smoke cleared John Stevens stood up and wiped debris off his clothes as if nothing had happened.
"Whooo that could have been worse...What the hell?!!!" Stevens yelled but it was too late. He went careening through the window of the corrugated cardboard box warehouse. His car was tough and easily kept going, knocking cardboard boxes everywhere. Stevens took this time to reflect that it was odd that every time he went driving easily destructible obstacles were some how magnetized to come closer to the chase. He blasted out the other side of the box warehouse to find the vans still in hot pursuit. He took his chances and headed to the raised bridge over the canal. He charged up the disjointed bridge and flipped his nitro switch which fired him over the gap in a flamboyant fashion. The other cars followed but forgot they were in vans, so they couldn't really make the gap. "I hope they know how to swim" John said aloud. Again no one was around, but it just had to be said.
"All right I know it was you, because you're the only person who could have told those ninjas that I like to stroll through abandoned warehouses. It was you wasn't it, Deputy Chief Picard!" Deputy Chief Picard swiveled slowly in his office chair to make himself seem nonchalant. In actuality he was about ready to wet his pants. "Very good" He said "you've discovered that I was the mole in the operation all along" John smiled, "You almost got away with it but you didn't count on dealing with me. You also forgot one very important thing. Back when I first met you, you mentioned that your nephew was applying for his dental degrees in Phoenix Arizona. But I wondered why would," "I'm sorry, but what the hell are you doing?" Asked a confused Picard. John looked up, "Ohh, well you know, I'm explaining to you how you did it, and how I found out" Responded John. "But I'm the one who did it; I already know how it all happened. In fact I would probably know more than you do on the subject" John was dumbstruck. People usually listened when he explained things which they already knew to be true. Then they would say something like "I'll never go in alive" to which he would reply "I don't expect you to" and then shoot them, or fight them, or do something. This just threw his whole game off. "Ahhh screw it" he yelled. John then picked up a nearby garbage can and began to beat his boss into submission. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
