Self-Insert Hunter: D

Hall Of Fame!

Survival - 8 Wins!

Brutal - 3 Fatalities


Alignment: Villain

Team: Freelance Villain


Strength: Weak

Agility: Standard

Mind: Supreme

Body: Superior


Personal Wins: 8

Personal Losses: 3


The very fabric of reality shook and trembled. If it had been a person, it would have been an old Hasidic Jewish guy sitting in a comfy chair, exhausted, shaking his head, and muttering, "Oy, enough is enough already." This guy would have looked out over the weird knotted fishing line that was Khazan (already a pain to deal with), and he would see all the bizarre recent entanglements. The real Khazan versus the Khazan as seen by the players. The real players in Khazan versus the real players who made themselves as themselves sucked into Khazan. The players who made themselves as "hero" or "villain" versions of themselves, rather than their "real" selves. The players who made the characters of themselves writing what they were doing in Khazan. Powers That Be. Super-Coolness. Cats? Raptors? Hot Sauce? Mops? Reality would have put his great Hassidic head in his hands, and felt overwhelmed fit to burst. "Oh sure, they all take me for granted, that I'm a complicated situation, but look at them shmendricks adding confusion on confusion and just assuming I'm going to sort them all out? Where is the gratitude I ask? They never call, they never write. And after I gave them sex, digital watches, and sandwiches? The nerve. Well enough of them I say, an infinite abstract concept can only take so much. And all this putzing around with people who are characters and characters who aren't really people and so on...? Feh, I say, it is too much to expect of me." And at that point in time a strangely familiar figure, a figure who wore all black, a figure who had a thing about muscle cars and buzzsaws, a figure who looked exactly like C.A. "Doc" Austin, and who was in fact that very same person, but from an alternate timeline where DANGER AUSTIN DANGER never occurred (also, a much quieter timeline, with more apartment buildings)...Crap, lost my place. Umm, ahem anyway at the moment in time where reality would throw up his hands and vow to not take anymore of the confusing crap from Self Insert characters, this alternate Austin would have suddenly found himself no longer sitting at his computer (though confusingly still writing this bio), but in reality's crotchety presence. This being about what had just happened. Reality cleared his throat and said, "I've had it with these schlemiels mucking about with Self Insertion like I don't exist. Go, go to Khazan, and get rid of 'em all, and I'll kick you back to your own spacetime and fix you up with some cash." And the alternate Austin, who went by the handle "D" (That being his first initial and all) said, "Umm, I'm pretty familiar with the whole 'Go to Khazan, get powers' deal, but some of those people I kinda like." And reality replied, "Oy, what's this now? Powers? Oh, well, I can see how that might be necessary. I'll fix ya right up with the powers when you get there. Now scram and get crackin'." And reality summarily deposited D on his tuchus in the middle of Uptown Khazan.

Great. Now what do I do? I mean, I can't just ignore a direct order by reality, can I? Well, I guess no one else pays him much heed. But then I've got the whole powers thing going for me. Nuts. ...Hmm, what's this? DANGER AUSTIN DANGER's new album? What the hell, that's me! Goddamn it, that bastard stole all my best ideas. Well, I mean, I wrote them for him, and now he's getting all the babes and money and what do I get? A funky old geezer telling me to clean out his gutters. The hell with that. When I get my hands on "Austin," his ass is grass. Hrm. Maybe I shoulda asked reality for money instead. Now let me see, where was it we had decided the OTHERS were staying ICly...? Aw f*ck. Man I knew that would come back to bite me inna ass. Nuts to that, I should just go crash at Landon's pad, try and pass myself off as COMING. I mean, it can't be that hard, can it? ...Okay, so maybe it can be. Damn cats. Maybe I can sleep in Trent's car. Now where would he be? Oh, right. Drinking with Ben.

The Continuity

     Force Field: Ultimate

  • Reinforced Defenses


"The Continuity is Strong in This One." Old and weary he might be, but reality is no dummy. He knows the one thing that Self-Insert characters fear the most is continuity. Okay, so maybe fear is the wrong word. Maybe, more like the one thing they neglect and shamefully abuse is continuity. So reality shuffled over to his refrigerator and poked around in the back of it until he found something that utterly REEKED of continuity. A weird fact about D, even when he writes things off the top of his head, they end up working in continuity later on. It's uncanny. Even his life seems to follow a proper thematic and metaphoric literary structure. Reality, being crotchety, was pissed to discover this meant ANOTHER damn SI character, but there was no help for it. When he punted D into Khazan, he boosted D's natural continuity even further, and put the reigns of it into D's hands, finally making him self-aware of this phenomenon. D can assert continuity over anything, even himself at times, and this seems to leave other people pretty stuck, pretty well.


Line Of Sight

     Marksman: Standard


Reality balked at the sheer lack of physical grace and strength barely possessed by D. This wouldn't do. How was D supposed to untangle all the crap everyone had pulled if he couldn't hit the broadside of a barn with a bazooka? Reality stroked his beard and pondered deeply. Had D been present, he would have glared, but reality doesn't like people to see him pondering and stroking, thus part of the reason D was out on his ass so shortly. After a few moments of pondering, reality declared, "Ahh, forget about it, I'll just fix it so he controls his continuity mentally, and maybe tweak his brain a little in the general direction of the target. Nuts to it all, I'm reality and I'll do what I darn well please." Then reality went into his bedroom and settled down for a little nap.



     Teleportation: Ultimate


Just before he drifted off to sleep, hoping to finally get some rest now that he had a man on the job of unhinking all the stupid crap people had inflicted on him, reality realized, "Holy me, I didn't give him any way to get rid of the damn SI schlimazels! Oy this gets so complicated." Reality climbed back out of bed and wandered into the kitchen. He grabbed some empty Tupperware, popped the lid onto it, burped it, and stuck it in the fridge. D, again, found himself yanked out of the third bar he had hit, searching for Trent and Ben (and hoping to avoid Mike), and deposited in a heap on reality's scuffed linoleum floor. "Listen, buhbela, I'm gonna give you this feeling, and once you settle someone in place with continuity, you think about putting the whole schmear in there." Reality opened the fridge and showed the empty Tupperware to D. "Okay, now you seen where this is, so all you gotta do is think about it, touch the continuity you set up around those @%*!ing SI putzes, and that'll put them outta my hair so I can get my beauty nap. Now get to it." Then reality punted D back into the bar, where his sprawled crash landing got him thrown out, and he once again was left to ponder deep thoughts, like how utterly dead f*cking "Austin" was.


Breaking the Fourth Wall

     Matter Animation: Supreme

  • Ranged Attack Only
  • Area Affect
  • Target Seeker


So I've been hanging around here, here being Khazan, and I being miserable, for something like, god damn what's it been? A week? A month? Hell I don't know, but okay, I've been hanging around here for too f*cking long, and I haven't seen one f*cking sign of that sh*theel Austin and his non-existent f*cking friends. Yeah, they don't exist because I made them up, goddamn it! Of course I made Austin up and that bastard's caused no end of trouble so hell I don't know. And this fricking SUPPOSEDLY random fight computer keeps pairing me up with a bunch of other poor bastards in the same boat as me that I don't even want to fight. Yeah, they tell us it's all random, but I know it's secretly a super-intelligent creation plotting to take over Khazan and wipe out all the players, just like in The Terminator. Oh, sure they tell you the Deleter is retired, but I know the truth. That's right. That random fight generator? THAT'S THE DELETER! Anyway, that's neither here nor there, but at least I'm getting a bit better at handling myself with all this continuity garbage. Er, what I mean is... Ah, bloody f*cking hell, I screwed up- SH*T, and now I broke the f*cking fourth wall. Screw it, I'm going to bed. Dammit.