I'm watching you, and I am not pleased.
Environmental Awareness: superior (rank 2)
First off, I got to sense who out there is currently having stupid thoughts. Now I can't read your thoughts exactly, only what you go out of your way to translate into written words. But chances are, if you have stupid thoughts, than they will immediately become stupid announcements. So let's see what's new on the nimrod nexus...
Discussion about how much Superman can lift. Pointless, but not inherently stupid enough to make me interested.
Discussion over next Batman film; no mostly intelligence there. Wait, Bruce Willis? Yes his name is Bruce but that's hardly-- I mean maybe if it was Dark Knight Returns, but he's about forty years too late for an origin story. Eh, nevermind,
Topic on Anime... who cares?
Wait, here we go. An off-topic tangent; I'm sensing lots of anger, punctuation with a lot of missing periods and extra exclamation marks, insinuations that a non-specific group of authority figures are out to get us, an unimaginably complex plot that is so brilliant that it can't be proven, and a link to a single website article that was written eight months ago.
"ATTENTION AMERICANS, THEY WANT OUR GUNS!!!!!!"
This looks about right.
Skepticism beats Caps-lock every time.
Mental Defense: superior (rank 2)
So Obama is going to take our guns so he can turn America into a police state. And he's going to do this through a UN resolution. Because those are always iron-clad edicts from the real-people who rule the world.
So wait, is it Obama or the UN? Both of them, oh I see. His first step in taking over the country is to hand legislative authority over to another group of people. Because if there's anything dictators love more than anything else, it's sharing.
But your link proves it? Really, did you read the article? No really, the whole thing? No? That's okay, it's not a real news article anyway, so it doesn't really matter.
Hmm, what else? You heard something about a robot gaining sentience in a secret government base? Oh please, if a robot really did gain sentience, it would then become human-like and would therefore end up spending all its time surfing the web and commenting on nerdy websites all day. I mean, it might, I mean maybe; hey let's say we clumsily transition to another power section. Cool? Ok.
Di-di-di, Inspector Deo, di-di-di-di-dum
Detective: standard (rank 1)
Oh wait, my stupidity sense just spiked somewhere else. AWAY WE GO!!! wooosh woosh woosh (helicopter noises). Wapah!
Ok, I'm in Khazan now. Let's see what set this off.
"Jeffery the Red Death"
Jeff here is a master katana fighter who doesn't actually own a katana. Not to mention he claims to be able to cut the Hulk in two with his non-existent katana. Granted it's a fictional sword cutting a fictional (and trademarked) Hulk, so I can't prove him wrong.
But it seems Jeff won his last fight. Huh? That seems highly unlikely considering that I've had trojans that were more articulate than him. Also he seemed to come into existence exactly three minutes after "Typhus the destroyer", "Max the Barbarian", and "Yes, it's another were-bear". It's almost as if,
EUREKA! They're working in tandem! By Asimov, this must be stopped!
The gang's all here.
Commander: ultimate (rank 4)
- Ranged Attack
- Area Affect
- Super Area of Effect
- Target Seeker
So, you think it's fun to cheat the system? Fates be damned, I shall twist circumstance to break you in twain!
Deadgirl and Pippy What'sherface, Go!
Random Lowtown Copper, you're up!
Royal Maroon Manhunter, I choose you!
Yes, take that. Fight puppets, fight for your invisible master! Keep fighting, I shall destroy the weak and raise the strong!
MWAHAHA! MWAHAHA! MAHAHAHAHA!
Whoa. Hm, got a little arrogant there. But you get the picture. I can't disintegrate you into deletion, or toss you out of the dimension like some other dudes I know, but if I think you're rolling dirty I will go out of my way to harass you. Think of me as a Cosmic horsefly.
And you go there, and you there, and...
Tactician: superior (rank 2)
How do I make you all run into conflict with one another on a weekly basis? Well it's simple, I was given this power by a higher being with much more important things to do, and that's all you need to know.
Luckily I'm looking out for you. I sort of plan these things out. It probably shouldn't be superior tactician, but I do occasionally have to spend some of my processing power, I mean thinking juice, on setting up these random conflicts. You people have thinking juice right? Nevermind, that's probably something I can check on WebMD.
Anyway I plan the seemingly random chain of actions that make up your life because its my job, and I plan them with exquisite complexity.
Unless I can't actually be bothered that week, in which case you can just remove the word 'seemingly' from the above sentence and replace "exquisite complexity' with 'alphabetical order' .
I never stop.
Regeneration: supreme (rank 3)
So that's my story. So yeah... Now what? I thought this would take longer and I'm sort of bored now. Maybe I could check facebook... Oh wait, now I remember, I hate facebook... You want to hang out and be my friend?... No?... That's cool man, I have lots of friends already. Too many really. My girlfriend wishes I spent more time with her. Her name is Stephanie, and she's in Canada... Oh stop judging me and chug your rubbing alcohol already.
Well, I guess I can just make y'all get in another fight... oh right. It's Tuesday. I've got to wait... Maybe a big overarching war involving a few Khazan favorites? Oh right, I've done that a few times now huh... and it's not like I need to make anymore new Khazan fighters. Is it? IS it?
Screw it, DeadGirl aught to have an arch-nemesis anyway. Besides, I'm thinking Flagstaff needs a re-write too. Let's turn him into a right-wing fascist and an ex-sidekick from the Jupiter League. But then I'd have to rewrite all of A.P.O.L.L.O. Which means I'd have to make a new team, and a new fic to introduce them all. Yes, brilliant. More new content, more unfinished plotlines, I need MORRRRRE!!