“Why are you in my office, Jay?” Dr. Bernstein rolled his eyes at his most frequent customer.
“I’m lonely Dr. B!” everyone’s least favorite cactus wailed, “I’m a lonely ‘lil cactus!”
“Jay, we aren’t scheduled to talk today, remember how my lawyers explained this to you?” the good doctor pulled his rolling chair in between the space between him so the distressed cactus couldn’t fling himself at him. Again.
“I just want someone to hold, Jefe!” he collapsed forward into the chair in front of him, “but no one want to touch me because I have a soft heart but a-“
“Rough exterior! We get it!” Dr. Bernstein snapped, “We’ve heard it a millions times!”
“What should I do, Jefe?” Jay sobbed.
The Harvard Graduate pressed the button under his desk, “Mrs. Gutman, Jay has made his way to my office, did you let him in?”
“No, Doctor, I didn’t see him,” his secretary told him over the speaker.
A few moments later Jay, the very light Cactus, was hurled out of his psychiatrist’s third story window and landed in the bushes with a thud.
“Thanks for catching me guys,” he patted the shrubs as he got up, “You saved my life.”
But they didn’t answer him. No one ever answered him. In sorrow Jay hopped away into the night.
At about tres A.M. Tijuana time when Jay stumbled into an ally way a few blocks away from his Doctor’s office. It had gotten dark very quick. And he needed a place to lay low. People tended to freak out when vegetation walked around town humming mariachi music. People threw rocks, formed mobs. There was even a group that dedicated itself to such “abominations”: N.I.L.A.N.
N – Naturals
I – Investigating and
A - Annihilating
N – Non-naturals
“Non-naturals”. Phhft. Jay was natural. It says so in his FPL profile…
Jay leaned against the brick wall and slid down until he was doing what he considered sitting and wrapped his “arms” around his “legs”. He was on the verge of sleeping when-
“Jay, the Unloved Cactus? I hear you are in a state of…despair?” a shadowy voice.
“Woah!” Jay jumped up and raised his ‘fists’.
“Put ‘em down, lover boy, I’m here to fix all your problems,” the voice continued.
“If you don’t show yourself I’m gonna start throwing my right hook everywhere and anywhere until you shut up!”
“Calm your ass down, I can be your friend,” thorny vines began breaking through the brick of the wall that was facing him. Crushed parts of the way fell as more and more thorny extensions burst through the wall. It wasn’t apparent at first, but the vines were revolving a large bld red eye. An eye, which opened as the voice said, “Hiya, I’m the Satan of Plants.”
“I…uh…there’s a plant devil?” Jay just stood there not sure what to say. He shielded his face from the crimson light emitting from the evil, swirling eye.
“MY NAME IS SATIN OF PLANTS!” the demonic being roared.
“So…you’re a demon of…vegetation…” Jay kept asking.
“Don’t mock me Jay,” he warned, “Are you always this slow witted? That may be why you don’t have any friends.”
“I have friends!” Jay objected.
“Dirty little homeless children don’t count, Jay,” the Satin of Plants wagged on of his vines, “Face it ‘hombre’, besides a senile wheelchair salesmen and your physiatrist that hates you, you have no personal connections to another living thing. No matter what good you do for humanity, or how pretty your smile is, no one is going to love you.”
These words nearly killed, Jay. This spiked demon was feeding off of his insecurities, and he was too monumentally depressed to hit him for it.
“That’s where I can assist you, ‘amigo’” the vortex in the Satin of Plants eye began to swirl faster , “I, being a being of infinite power, can use my knowledge and mastery of the dark forces to make you a mate,” he waited a moment to let this new information sink into Jay’s ears. “Yes! A life partner! Someone who will love you till the end of existence,” Jay sat silent. “I knew you’d be at a loss for words, but that’s quite alright. I know what your answer will be. So it’s just a matter of what I shall receive in this covenant we’re about to make. It says it all in this contract,” he unwrapped one of his appendages and held a long scroll of yellowed paper to his eye “’In exchange for a fun and lovely companion, who will stay by my side until my death, I Jay the Damned Cactus, thus offer my soul to be eternally imprisoned in the fiery pits of the 17th Layer of Hell, for all eternity.’ Then you can sign your name on the line with your own cactus milk. Now, I understand I used a lot of paper for one sentence, but hey! I’m the Satin of Plants! I used the wood of damned trees to make my paper-”
Satin of Plants was shut up by being introduced to Jay’s Left Hook (JEFE!!!)!!! The Left hook knocked the paper from his hand.
“Shut your mouth!” Jay said landing on his feet after his jumping hook, “I’m from Mexico! We’re all confirmed Catholics down there!” he did the sign of the cross, “Don’t you know anything!?”
“Believe me,” Satin of Plants rubbed his struck limb, “If there was another sentient plant out there to eternally damn, I’d try to seduce it, but you’re the only plant who can make decisions , thus only one I can lure into hell with me! At least, you were until I made her.”
He opened his eye wide and shot a red laser onto the ground in front of Jay. When the blast ceased, the most beautiful cactus person Jay had ever seen in his life was kneeling in front of him. He was almost speechless, almost, “Hubbabahbahbah…” Jay’s tongue hung out of his mouth.