Cowboy Private Detective
Detective: superior (rank 2)
Rufus High Heck: Let me argufy somethin’ before you attitudinize.
Myra the Dirtiest Strumpet: Sorry, Mr. Rufus. I don’t mean to be no annoyance to youse.
Rufus High Heck: You ain’t bein’ no annoyance no how, Myra. Just tell me like it was before Arbuckle and you was aggrieved by whatever manner of misfortune came upon the both of you in your passionate throes.
Myra the Dirtiest Strumpet: Well, Mr. Rufus, it was like I was tellin’ youse before … me and Arbuckle was atwixt them sheets doin’ the business when some blam’d Injun run in here and whacked him over the head with a club and killed him right dead.
Rufus High Heck: Balderdash!
Myra the Dirtiest Strumpet: Ain’t not no balderdash, Rufus High Heck!
Rufus High Heck: I’m the beatingest lickfinger Cowboy Private Detective in the doggone world, Myra! What’re youse? Huh? Youse just the dirtiest damn strumpet I ever did see!
Myra the Dirtiest Strumpet: It ain’t matterin’ how dirty I am! What’s matterin’ is how murderin’ that face-painted Injun was!
Rufus High Heck: Oh my eyes! There ain’t no murderin’ face-painted Injun! It was that damndable potato country redheaded whoremonger who sells cherry quim like yours! Oh, I got’chu in a bad box now, Myra!
Myra the Dirtiest Strumpet: You can’t be provin’ nothin’! You’re barkin’ at a knot, Rufus High Heck!
Rufus High Heck: Oh, I will! That Jenny Greenteeth better be on the dodge ‘cause I’ma hunt him down like he was an Injun!
Narrator: Oh, shit! He’s such a badass. Anyhoo, all of the sudden, who should appear in the doorway? Why, it’s Jenny Greenteeth, An effeminate Irish Mary and wanted murderer!
Jenny Greenteeth: I’m not on the dodge from the likes of you Rufus High Heck!
Rufus High Heck and Myra the Dirtiest Strumpet: Jenny Greenteeth!
Myra the Dirtiest Strumpet: You’re ‘sposed to be on the dodge like we talked?!
Jenny Greenteeth: Dodge this. [shoots Myra the Dirtiest Strumpet]
Rufus High Heck: Oh, you murderin’ Irish Maryboy. Why?
Jenny Greenteeth: This is my place. That dirty strumpet and her bingo wings ain’t bein’ in the nip with any man for free here.
Rufus High Heck: She said it was business.
Jenny Greenteeth: Arbuckle was my man, boyo. He was my cowboy man and I didn’t come all the way from Dublin to find my cowboy man rock ‘n’ rollin’ with a bucket of snots like Myra.
Rufus High Heck: So, Arbuckle and Myra were gettin’ you in the neck.
Jenny Greenteeth: Shagging behind my back.
Rufus High Heck: Why’d youse let the strumpet live? Why’d she try to cover for youse?
Jenny Greenteeth: Oh, she begged forgiveness. And I make a fine tenner off her wafer.
Rufus High Heck: But I guess, on second thought, youse got all hell-fired about the whole thing and came right on back here to let the wag-tail have it too?
Jenny Greenteeth: That’s right, boyo. So you’re not as thick a brick.
Rufus High Heck: I’ma make ya wish youse was still diggin’ taters outta the emerald isles.
Jenny Greenteeth: Tosser! I just wanted a cowboy man!
Rufus High Heck: Take it up with the Almighty.
The Ol' Persuader
Piercing Weapon: superior (rank 2)
- Ranged Attack
- Long Ranged Attack
Narrator: Rufus High Heck and Jenny Greenteeth both take cover and start shooting at one another. Shit just got real. Really real.
Jenny Greenteeth: You’re about as useful with a gun as a lighthouse is on a bog.
Rufus High Heck: Ya really gotta pecker under that dress! ‘Cause ya shoot like youse a piece of calico that’s been in the sun too long!
Jenny Greenteeth: Nawful boyo!
Rufus High Heck: Queer fish!
[they both run out of bullets]
Jenny Greenteeth: That’s a pain in the hole.
Rufus High Heck: Ya really thought youse could belly through the brush, huh? Looks like we’re gonna have to do this mano y mano.
Jenny Greenteeth: Do I look like a bean eater to you, boyo?
Rufus High Heck: Man to man. Fist fight.
Jenny Greenteeth: Oh, right-o. Then it looks like there’s gonna be wigs on the green!
Rufus High Heck: Lets not dilly-dally. I’m takin’ youse to the pokey, Jenny Greenteeth. Then you’re gonna do a nice Texas cakewalk for me. If ya didn’t have red hair before, it sure is now! Red with the blood of Myra, the Dirtiest Strumpet and Arbuckle and all the others youse’s killed!
Jenny Greenteeth: Stop the lights, boyo! I never killed anybody until tonight! You must be off your nut! You all are! Just because I’m different … you lot make … make allegations!
Rufus High Heck: Nancyboy, nancyboy!
Jenny Greenteeth: Plonker!
Rufus High Heck: What in tarnation?
Narrator: Dead men don’t groan.
Rufus High Heck: Dead men don’t groan!
Narrator: Dead men don’t groan unless they’re undead men. And then they do groan. I guess. What I’m saying is oh my goodness surprise zombie acopalypse! Just like you were expecting. Are you surprised?
Arbuckle: Uuuuuuhhhh! Uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh!
Rufus High Heck: Looks like I’m gonna have to give this rise-ed doggone demon a fine right towellin’.
Jenny Greenteeth: Put a Santa on it and call it Randall. A zombie.
Myra the Dirtiest Strumpet: Uuuuuuuhhhhh!
Narrator: Myra the Dirtiest Zombie!
Myra the Dirtiest Zombie: Uuuuuuhhhh!
Rufus High Heck: I ain’t gonna be able to stop Ol’ Scratch and Myra the mockered zombie here alone, Jenny Greenteeth. And then I then there’s that whole marble orchard to tend to outside a town. Myra and Arbuckle got what they deserved, I ain’t holdin’ nothin’ against you personal-like for what’cha did. I was just abidin’ the law. And maybe there’s somethin’ to what’cha said about me thinkin’ you’re a murderin’ blam’d bastard just ‘cause you’re sooo gay. Maybe we oughta put aside our differences. And by that, I mean to tell youse maybe I oughta put aside my bigoted perspectives bein’ what it is so that together we can maybe save the whole blam’d race from gettin’ their heads chewed off. Ya know? I mean, at least you ain’t no woman. I wouldn’t ever work with no woman.
Jenny Greenteeth: I know, right?
Narrator: And so Rufus High Heck and Jenny Greenteeth find common ground between them in being really sexist and join forces to save the world. What I’m saying is that sexism is saving the world right now. Right now in the story. Sexism is doing that. Manifested physically as an alliance between sexists. Anyway, so now the zombies are shambling slowly towards our heroes and they are shooting at them and failing to re-make them dead.
Rufus High Heck: Seemin’ to be that our worldly weapons ain’t no match for this pair of jerked meat!
Jenny Greenteeth: About as good as a chocolate teapot. This is blarney, boyo. Maybe we should just … join the army of the dead.
Rufus High Heck: Not never no how! Not never no how anytime, Old Countryman! I’m the beatingest lickfinger Cowboy Private Detective in the whole doggone world. I rodeo’d the wild vampire buffalo stampede! I ate the lost Jap samurai cannibal cabal! I cannibalized blam’d cannibals! I did that! Poetic justice! And I ain’t gonna let no rootin’ tootin’ souless zombies eat the West up.
Jenny Greenteeth: Oh, boyo, we couldn’t do it the easy way, could we?
Rufus High Heck: What?
Jenny Greenteeth: This was only a surprise zombie apocalypse for one of us. For the other … it was … an expected zombie apocalypse. Because that one is responsible for it.
Rufus High Heck: No! It can’t be!
Jenny Greenteeth: Oh, it is being, actually!
Rufus High Heck: Godblam’d Mary bastard. Godblam’d Judas! Blam you! Blam you and the horse you rode into town on!
Jenny Greenteeth: Foolish fool. If you knew anything at all about Ireland you’d know Jenny Greenteeth is a water devil who eats little boys’ fingers off when they play too close to the water’s edge. Eventually, little boys stopped playing next to the water’s edge and suddenly Jenny Greenteeth had no more fingers left to eat. So, boyo, Jenny Greenteeth decided that he should move far away. To a place nobody knew about Jenny Greenteeth, because they were so racist and ignorant and self-absorbed and put ignorance on a pedestal. Jenny Greenteeth decided to move to that place. Also, it would have no water so he could disguise himself better. Spoiler alert, Rufus High Heck, I’m that Jenny Greenteeth. And, now, I’m gonna eat your fucking fingers. I’m gonna eat everybody’s fingers. I’m gonna eat all the fingers in the whole world. So, I guess, you won’t be able to … finger … the culprit behind this scheme. This plot. These shenanigans.
Rufus High Heck: By the Almighty himself, Jenny Greenteeth, youse made me realize the error of my ways.
Jenny Greenteeth: Wait … really?
Rufus High Heck: Yeah … youse made me realize … can’t trust no Godblam’d redheaded Irish Nancyboys not no how!
Narrator: And So Rufus High Heck and Jenny Greenteeth start shooting at eachother again, but now there’s also zombies and so Rufus High Heck has to shoot at them some too! This is some real grim shit for Rufus High Heck, beatingest lickfinger Cowboy Private Detective in the whole doggone world.
Jenny Greenteeth: You know, boyo, I could spare you. In the fingerless world that’ll soon be coming I could use a qweer bit of skirt like you to be my … cowboy man.
Rufus High Heck: I vum to skin youse alive ya tricksy varmint bastard!
Jenny Greenteeth: Zombies! His brains are yours! But remember, his fingers are mine alone!
Narrator: And now things are looking pretty dire. Until, boom! Headshot! Zombie Arbuckle is reacquainted with sweet, peaceful rest. Clearly our beatingest lickfinger etc, etc is not the best shot in the whole doggone world. But you can’t be best at everything because then that’s just pretentious. But anyway, now the numbers are even. Indeed, it takes precisely one zombie plus one Irish Mary to be equivalent to one Rufus High Heck. My mathematical formula here is sound.
Rufus High Heck: I’ve sussed their weakness out, you yellow-bellied redheaded cross-dressin’ devil!
Jenny Greenteeth: Curses and drat!
Myra the Dirtiest Zombie: Uuuuh, braaaaiiiiinnnss!
Rufus High Heck: If only you’da had some of yer own when youse was alive maybe ya wouldn’t be about to get yer head clean blown off with a lil’ bit of persuasion from my ol’ persuader!
Jenny Greenteeth: No!
Narrator: Jenny Greenteeth shoots … and hits Rufus High Heck right in the elbow of his good shootin’ arm right as he’s about to put Myra the Dirtiest Zombie down!
Rufus High Heck: Oh, Godblam’d Irish Mary bastard!
Man vs Zombie
Martial Arts: standard (rank 1)
Narrator: Myra the Dirtiest Zombie sets upon the bleeding Rufus High Heck and the two struggle while Jenny Greenteeth watches, salivating about the imminent finger buffet.
Jenny Greenteeth: Hahahaha!
Excuse me, Man vs Woman Zombie
Environmental Awareness: standard (rank 1)
Rufus High Heck: I’d be right fine fixins for the both of youse about now if ya didn’t make one mistake, Jenny Greenteeth.
Jenny Greenteeth: What’s that, boyo?
Rufus High Heck: This is a woman zombie.
Jenny Greenteeth: Oh coodle.
Narrator: And so Rufus High Heck pushes her away and punches her with his non good shootin’ hand. Punches her so hard she dies. Again. Because he’s Rufus High Heck. He picks up his gun and levels it at Jenny Greenteeth.
Jenny Greenteeth: Now you’ve done it. I am right cheesed off.
Rufus High Heck: Cheese this.
Narrator: Rufus High Heck tears the shiny star-shaped badge off his coat and flings it! Jenny Greenteeth takes it right in heart. His black heart. Is that a racist joke? Not if I don’t explicitly say so.
Rufus High Heck: I ain’t never gonna be trustin’ somebody different from me ever again.
Narrator: And so Rufus High Heck saved the day! Goodness me, that was a pretty good true story. And remember, if you wanna hear more stories about Rufus High Heck, you can’t because there aren’t any.