“Well, I guess what I'm saddest about is that nobody loves me.”
“What do you mean Jay?” the Dr. Bernstein asked, “Why don't you think anybody likes you?”
Jay the Feel Good Cactus, didn't feel very good. In fact he felt unloved. Just plain unloved. And it frustrated him to the point where he was seeking psychological help.
“Stay with me Jay, don't phase out on me,” Dr. Bernstein waved in Jay's face, “Common, tell me more about yourself.” he wrote down on his clip board.
“Well, I guess this all started in my home of Tijuana, Mexico...” Jay trailed off.
“Wow, Jay, thats a rough city, how was your childhood there?”
“My childhood was great! All I did was sit out side of Senor Verde's Wheelchair repair shop-”
“Wait, Jay, who is Senor Verde?” Dr. Bernstein interrupted.
“I guess he's mi padre,” Jay said in a distant voice, “Never thought about it that way...”
“Maybe you feel unloved because your father never let you inside the house?” Dr. Bernstein asked.
“Oh, no, no,” Jay waved his arms, “I loved being outside! I would sit outside his door and welcome the customers! Except...he never had any customers...”
“So you were without purpose?” Dr. Bernstein threw out there.
“Never thought about it, I was too busy watching MMA on the wall of TV's across the street,”
“MMA?” the doctor raised his brow.
“You know MMA? Mixed Martial Arts?” the doctor still looked confused, “You know, two guys fight in a cage? Was outlawed forever then legalized?” nothing was clicking with the doctor, “Brock Lesnar? Tito Ortiz? Cain Velasquez? Not ringing a bell?”
“I'm sorry no. Is it violent?” Dr Bernstein asked.
“Exceedingly, si!” Jay raised his fist.
“And that was all you were exposed to?” he began to write down on his clip board intently.
“Umm, yeah, pretty much,” Jay leaned back on his couch, his needles piercing the fabric.
“Do you think that all the violent images you've seen as a child has implanted itself into your personality causing you to repel people with your meanness?” the doctor bit his pencil.
“I don't think so, I usually make people feel good. Thus the name...”
“Ok, lets move past the MAA fighting, what changed that? What made you get up and move else where?” the Doctor asked.
“Oh! That day! It started off being the best day of my life, but then it became the worst. It started off as an ordinary day, I waited outside for Senor Verde to come into his shop. I waited because I couldn't do much else, I was an ordinary cactus. But that day was the day I became a feel good cactus! Senor Verde came with a sombrero under his arm, right? He was twirling it around, whitleing, and was beaming from ear to ear. He then placed it onto my head and said, 'Now that's a good looking cactus,' and went inside. I didn't know it then, but this would casue a Frosty the Snowman effect that would change my life!”
“So, you became a real boy?”
“Si, almost,” Jay continued, “It was so weird, my arms felt heavy and I had the urge to drop them to my side, thats when I was moved for the first time. My arms fell it was so weird and cool!”
“What was your first thought after that?” the doctor asked.
“Umm, I think it was, 'Holy Crap I have a face...anyway, I wanted to move for the first time so I hopped down the street.”
“So these are your first steps? You know there are Freudian ways to describe your first steps, tell me about them?”
“Well,” Jay thought really hard, “I saw crusty abuelas, intimidating thugs, and orphans.”
“Si! Happy orphans playing in the street. It was a most beautiful sight, muy bonita. They even invited my to play hopscotch.”
“So the homeless orphans where the first people to show you acceptence, besides Senor Verde?”
“Mmhmm, si. But they weren't homeless, they lived with some nuns.”
“Now, up to this point your playing and being accepted, what turned this day so bad?”
“Those orphans I was playing with, well, they all...died...”
“Holy shit, really?” the doctor was shocked.
“Si,” Jay hung his head, “Muy muerto...”
“Did you kill them?” Dr. Bernstein asked.
“What? Tu loco? Of course I didn't kill them! They were shot!” Jay was appalled, “By these evil drug cartel thugs, jefe, these idiot punks just came rolling down the street and let bullets rip everywhere! Killing all the orphans!”
“That must have been very hard on you,” Dr. Bernstein patted Jays hand and recoiled in pain.
“It was harder on the orphans...” Jay trailed off.
“What'd you do? Your new friends are murdered in cold blood? How'd you react?”
“Well, I starting by kicking some cartel goonie ass!” Jay yelled.
“How?” Dr. Bernstein asked.
“I used the sum of all my Mixed Martian Arts knowledge and rained MMA hell upon them!”
“How'd that turn out?”
“I sent them all to the sala de urgencias,”
“The what now?” Dr B asked.
“Emergency room,” Jay smiled.
“I usually don't condone violence, but this was a rare exception, those monsters deserved it,” Dr. B kept writing down things on his board.
“Thats how I feel. Seeing that happen gave me a purpose in life!”
“What is your purpose?”
“Well, I have a few, Jefe,” Jay started, “Uno: do everything I can to never let a child suffer in my presence. Dos: end the reign of all organized crime in Mexico, especially those crazy cartel animals. I hate their freaking guts and I am merciless in my serving of punishemt. Y Tres: find the world's hottest hot sauce!”
“How do you accomplish this?”
“I travel. A lot.” Jay answered.
Dr. Bernstein hesitated, “I see...”