Ah, hello there. Welcome to Albrecht’s Entertainment Emporium; I am Mr. Albrecht. Please allow me to thank you for choosing my establishment for all your shopping needs. Yes, we have a very large assortment of products to choose from, whether it be for entertainment or family fun, I’m sure we’ll have just what you’re looking for. All our products come with a lifetime warranty, so you’ll never have to worry about a malfunction during the festivities.
Now, if you and the children would follow me, I will personally give you a tour of the store, and answer any questions you may have.
We make it a point to please
Slashing Weapon: superior (rank 2)
“Here we have our cutlery, in various sizes, shapes and sharpness. Right here is the finest set of knives you will ever see, the Crueger collection. It easily slices through all manner of fruits, vegetables, meat, flesh, and bone. Just watch as Daisy demonstrates the cutting power of the Crueger on a helpless hobo, or rather, the ‘entertainment’ . See how easily it slices and dices his individual fingers? Incredible! With the paring knife, she quickly shaves flesh and meat from the bone, saving you time and effort. You even get a titanium bladed bone saw as a special bonus; Daisy, the bone saw please. As you can see, the human skull is just no match for this peerless instrument. What was that, ma’am? Oh! Well yes, it was a bit of an uneven cut, but that will happen when your ‘entertainment’ is having death spasms. Shall we continue?”
Everyone likes video games
Illusion Control: superior (rank 2)
“You want electronics? We got electronics! We have the most cutting edge, state of the art equipment around. For example, the latest addition to our product line, the Mind Rape virtual reality helmet is absolutely amazing. Just place the helmet on your victims..er, sorry..ahem, ‘entertainments’ head, choose a setting from a thousand different combinations, sit back and watch the fun. You could have them cook and eat their virtual children, or rip out their virtual eyes with their bare hands. The possibilities are limitless! Plus, with the in helmet cam, you can record your ‘entertainments’ reaction to every bit of fun you throw at them, to enjoy with your family again and again whenever you like. Now, don’t jump on this just yet; I’ve got plenty more to show you. Let’s move to the next department.”
Always stretch before you exercise
Elongation: superior (rank 2)
Elongation (Superior): Always stretch before you exercise
"Now, this next department is one of my favorites; The Game Room. I come in here on my breaks sometimes to listen to the shrieks and screams of the ‘entertainments’ as the customers try out the different products. I’ll show you my personal favorite first."
"As I‘m sure you know, the device this ‘entertainment’ is strapped to is what the people of the middle ages referred to as the Rack, a wonderfully delightful device. Our version is a bit different though. As you’ll notice, we have made a few electronic additions, a little something to up the fun factor for kids. There is a digital display mounted to the back of the rack that records different bits of information (screams per minute, number of tendons and ligaments torn in an allotted time limit, speed racking exercises), but what really makes this fun is when you hook up two of our Rack’em, Crack’em Hobos. Then the children can compete for high scores while getting their needed exercise. The crank for the rack is turned via a stationary bicycle, complete with several tension settings for harder or easier workouts (which makes it great for the parents too), and CD player. It also folds up for easy storage; just stick in a closet or the corner of the room when done (will not fold up with the ‘entertainment’ still attached)."
"We also have great party games, like our Drawn and Quartered Piñatas, complete with bags of candy, and four hydraulic wenches with plenty of rope. Just fill your ‘entertainments’ long sleeve shirt and baggy pants with the supplied candy, firmly attach the ropes to his/her wrists and ankles, and you’re ready to go! The kids take turns swinging bats at a specially designed skull cap on the ‘entertainments’ head, and when it takes enough punishment, TWANG! The wenches retract the rope at blinding speed, wrenching the limbs from the ‘entertainments’ torso, and the candy flies everywhere, much to the delightment of the children. And don’t worry, each piece of candy is individually vacuum sealed to keep it from getting spoiled, so all the kids have to do is rip open the package and pop the little treats in their mouths. Wonderful fun for everyone. Now, over here in this section we have……"