Posted 04 April 2011 - 10:55 PM
Posted 05 April 2011 - 01:55 AM
My god this was full of win. Especially approve of the Dr. McNinja reference in the beginning
Thanks, I'm glad you approve and all, but one question... who's Dr. McNinja?
Posted 07 April 2011 - 03:13 AM
The battle rages on like a drunk Christian Bale on a movie set. WrasslerZilla was fighting gadgeteer and his ten story Super-Robo. Stupendous and Times New Roman were blasting each other back and forth with colorful energy beams to no end. In some distant corner of the city, Psyne and Badger were making a beautifully choreographed fight scene, complete with over the top acrobatics, special killer moves, and doves which just seem to appear out of the air itself.
Meanwhile, Trixie and Blackhawk were being fondled by a tentacle monster.
“God-Dammit, let go! Oh God its slimy!”
The monster flips Blackhawk upside down with the twist of a tentacle wrapped around her legs. She hangs uncomfortably trying to beat away the smaller tendrils making their way for her. Trixie slumps limply in the tentacle’s grope, no longer trying to fend off its advances.
“Blackhawk,” Trixie yells, “I think I have an idea. You want to hear it?”
“As a general rule I would say no, but at this point I’m willing to try anything.”
“We can only defeat these obstacles by fighting them together, as a team, thru The Power of Friendship ™. “
Blackhawk stares blankly back at Trixie for a moment before answering.
“Trixie… I want to make something very clear. I am not your friend; in fact, I—HATE—YOU.”
Trixie pouts at her companion as the creature lays more tentacles on them.
“Fine then, if I can’t be friends with you, then I’ll be friends with the tentacle monster.”
She squirms around to look at what could maybe be called the monster’s face. She opens her arms wide and yells giddily.
“Hey tentacle-monster, My name’s Trixie. I want to be your friend. Will you hug me?”
The creature lets out a gurgled purr. It pulls her in close to its abdomen and they squeeze tight against each other in slimy embrace. It lets out a calming monsterish sigh; then it drops Blackhawk like a sack of bricks.
The giant Tentacle Monster begins to squirm and slither its way towards the center of the city. Madlibs, who had been more than content to watch the perversion from the ground, now saw the monstrosity bearing down upon him. He attempts to run, only to be squashed underfoot, or undertentacle as the case may be.
Blackhawk stands to her feet. A look of surprise covers her as Trixie and the Tentacle Monster slither away from her.
“Hey, where are you guys going? You’re forgetting me. I can help too… I didn’t mean what I said earlier, you’re not really that slimy…”
The Monster just keeps moving further away, ignoring her cries. As it becomes obvious that it won’t turn back, Blackhawk’s surprise turns to anger.
“Are you kidding me? Fine, whatever! I didn’t want any part of your disgusting squid-woman relationship anyway! It’s gross! You’re both gross, you know that? I hope catch tentacle rot!”
Neither Trixie nor the monster hears her pleas for attention. Blackhawk pouts sadly and ambles off in a random direction.
At the sound of his scream, gargantuan beams shoot from Stupendous’s eye sockets and advance towards Times New Roman like thunderbolts. Luckily, TR has actual thunderbolts.
TR let loose a thunderbolt as thick as an oak tree to challenge the energy beams coming for him. The two energies meet in air and begin shoving each other back and forth. TR and Stupedous increase their power the only way they can think.
It isn’t even a language anymore, just two floating guys screaming at each other. They continue screaming louder and louder, and their competing energy beams get thicker and brighter. Their massive muscles throb, their veins bulge, the depth of their vocal chords comes near exploding.
With that Stupendous suddenly falls out of the sky and his energy beams disintegrate. He hits the ground without ever being hit by TR’s thunderbolt; he simply flops around on the ground convulsing and seizing from the massive stroke one gets from screaming at the top of one’s lungs for minutes on end.
TR floats down and just stares over the fallen superhero.
“Well, that was anti-climactic.”
He shrugs, then kicks the twitching man as he begins to foam at the mouth. He looks over his shoulder and sees a giant robot fighting a monstrous chicken-like version of Wrassler. WrasslerZilla has the robot in a headlock and is wailing on it uncontrollably. Then, a Tentacle Monster appears behind WrasslerZilla and wrings its tentacles around its neck. This forces the giant chicken-man to release the captive robot. The freed robot then proceeds to punch his opponent in the stomach while the Tentacle monster holds WrasslerZilla back.
“Huh,” TR says, “Now there’s something you don’t see everyday.”
TR flies off into the distance towards the monster brawl. He raises his spear high and aims it at the tentacle creature.
The bolt of electricity shoots from the tip of his spear and connects with the back of the monster. The creature lets out a piteous cry; the smell of fried calamari enters the air.
Madlibs straightens the tuxedo he was wearing and limps along across the street. Somehow being stepped on by a multiple-ton Tentacle Monster isn’t enough to kill you in anime. He watches the clash of giant creatures above him; for anyone else this might seem strange, but for Madlibs nothing out of this situation seemed unordinary in the slightest. Over his shoulder he hears a slight but rapid tapping.
Lying idle on the sidewalk sits a glass milk jar with an adorable trapped little chibi, who had gone blue in the face. Karma made meager movements as her tiny stumpy hands taps against the glass. Her face has gone blue from lack of air and depicts utter panic. It was adorable panic, but panic none the less.
Madlibs picks up the glass and looks at Karma for a second or two. She struggles momentarily as she can no longer hold out. Madlibs shrugs, then unscrews the jar top and tosses her out.
Karma breathes in deep and rapid. She flits around slowly at first, then regains the same zipping flight plan as before. She hovers in front of Madlibs.
“Thanks,” she says in a bright chirp, “My boyfriend stuck me in there. I’m sure he didn’t mean it. He would have saved me before I suffocated…. He probably just got caught up in the fight or something.”
Madlibs rolls his eyes, Karma doesn’t see it. She floats up and gets a good look at the fighting monstrosities in the center of the city.
One of the monsters lobs a balled up tentacle at TR and sends him flying into a local baseball field. The WrasslerZilla grabs the monster by one tentacle and rips it off. The monster shrieks out in pain, the WrasslerZilla laughs wildly and beats his chest.
Then the colossal robot clotheslines it to the ground. The robot and tentacle beast look at each other and nod meaningfully; they both grab the giant chicken wrestler under his armpits and lift him above the ground. The bird squawks as they suplex him onto a sushi restaurant.
Back on the ground Karma goes red and the face and waves her tiny stumpy little arms in wild exaggeration.
“IAAAH! Dattebayo! How can they hope to win when the other side has The Power of Friendship ™! Don’t they know about Friendship? Friendship is the best thing ever! Nothing can beat friendship, EIAAAH!”
Madlibs said nothing, as usual, then shrugs ambivalently.
“Yes, your right Madlibs we mustn’t give up hope,” Karma says, she places her chin on her rounded lump of a fist and thinks, “but how can we beat the The Power of Friendship ™?”
Madlibs doesn’t even bother responding this time. He watches as TR sends his spear into the robot’s ass. The machine seems to malfunction and starts doing a dance fitting the beat of FunkyTown.
“I GOT IT!” Karma yells in a shrill chirp. Madlibs freaks out at the sudden interruption.
“The only way to beat The Power of Friendship ™ is with petty jealousy. I should have seen it sooner.”
She flits upwards into the sky. She begins to glow in a sickly sweet pink hue.
“Cherry Blossom Awesome Karma Transformation Fun Time Go!”
Madlibs watched from ground as pink flowers exploded in mid-air for no explainable reason. Again, by Madlib’s standards this situation made about as much sense as anything in his life.
Badger and Psyne had stopped fighting. They sit outside a McRamen King on the roof of a car Badger had smashed in with his foot earlier. They are drinking beers; if you are watching the American dub of this story, they will be drinking sodas instead, and no explanation will be given as to why sodas are served in short green glass bottles.
“Its not necessarily that I hate my parents,” Badger says with a bottle to his lips, “its just that I base most of my life decisions on the goal of pissing them off. What about you?”
Psyne takes a quick swig.
“My dad was a floating brain… so yeah, there was that. Say Badger can I ask you something?”
“I’ve been reading your mind and watching your actions too. You’re basically a costumed sadistic thug, with little or no redeeming qualities, and a criminal record as long as your arm.”
“Well, its just…have you ever considered changing to villainy?”
Before he can respond Blackhawk staggers into their alleyway. She doesn’t say a word but hops onto the smashed car with them. She forcefully pulls the beer/soda from Psyne’s hand and takes a swig. Badger examines her closely.
“What’s with your hair?”
“What’s with yours?” she retorts, “you decide you wanted to look like a blond pineapple?”
“Jeez, I was just asking. What’s got your panties in a bunch?”
“Probably that skirt.” Psyne adds.
Blackhawk lifts the bottle again, then downs half the contents. She sighs.
“Its just… Look it shouldn’t be a big deal, I know… but earlier me an Trix were being molested by the Tentacle Monster…”
The boys’ eyebrows raise,
“and you know it was fondling both of us, we were struggling and everything was fine….and then…it just drops me, and takes her away to do God knows what to her, and I’m left alone on the sidewalk… and its just … Am I not good enough, huh? Is that it? Do I not make a seductive schoolgirl? Am I not his type? Because, I’m sexy. In fact, I am a beautiful, young, intelligent, seductive woman. So is it too much to ask that a lecherous tentacled monster would want to try to ravish me? Really, is that too much to ask?”
She finishes exasperated, and the boys are left speechless for a moment. Psyne is the first to speak.
“Well, you know…I could ravish you if you want.”
“Thanks, but it wouldn’t be exactly the same. Say, weren’t you two fighting earlier?”
“Oh yeah, we got tired of that after like five minutes,” Badger answers, “It turns out the wire-fu crap is a lot of work, which I was simply not interested in.”
“Same.” Says Psyne.
They clink bottles. Up above the skyline, the two on two fight of the members still conscious or interested in fighting wages on. Then, out of nowhere a bright pink light glares into the sky and flowers seem to explode for no reason.
“Cherry Blossom Awesome Karma Transformation Fun Time Go!”
Out of the light grows an evolving shape. It is huge, powerful, and distinct. It forms in front of the trio as they squeal in disgust.
“Oh god Karma,” Psyne yelps, “you can transform into that? Why would you want to? Where would you get the concept? I liked it better when you were a chibi.”
“I think I’m going to be sick.” Badger says clutching his stomach.
Blackhawk beats him to it. She ducks her head and vomits into his shoes.
Trixie stands upon the tentacle monster’s shoulder and cheers it on as it strangles both WrasslerZilla and TR with tendrils growing from its nose.
“Come on buddy, you can do it. I believe in you.”
The tentacle monster turns around and sees Karma’s transformed self. A slimy slithering female Tentacle Monster. Its hair is tentacles, its lips, tentacles, its eyes, tentacles, its whole body is tentacles. Even the naughty parts, again, tentacles. The creature slinks towards the male tentacle monster in the most seductive way a hideous abomination of nature can do.
The male’s eyes widen with lust. A few tiny tendrils from his shoulder wrap around Trixie and toss her aside to fall to her death. Gadgeteer sees it from his screen in his cockpit.
“I got you.”
Gadgeteer’s Super-Robo dashes towards her and makes a dive to catch her in its palm. He just barely manages to stop her from impacting the pavement below. Trixie carefully stands to her feet as the robot places her out of harms reach next to the others outside the McRamen King. They can’t help but watch as the monsters engage in a squirming slithering embrace that can only be assumed to be the tentacle monster equivalent of second base.
Everyone but Trixie gags at the sight.
“And that,” says Badger, “is how baby Elder Gods are made.”
Vomiting can be heard from inside Gadgeteer’s cockpit. His robot begins to spasm and shut down, as spewing on the master-control tends to mess with processing power. Trixie yells as loud as she can.
“Fine Charlie, but she won’t love you like I did. I hope you’re happy with your giant whore-monster because we’re through!”
Charlie the Tentacle Monster says nothing and continues to slobber his tentacle lips all over Karma’s transformed body. It is at this point, out of a compulsion to somehow tie all the storylines together and to not disgust my readers any further than I already have, that the book of Man-Ga began to glow and burst with light. Another wave of energy flowed forth and the spell was broken.
The gang woke up on the floor of the museum. The book was gone, the other house was gone, even the cameramen were gone. Only the none-to-pleasant company of a security guard’s corpse was there waiting for them.
Badger scratches his head and slowly lurches upward.
“Well that sucked.”
“Yeah,” Trixie says, “they must have knocked us out… Then I had the craziest dream. It seemed almost real—”
“Trixie, stop,” Blackhawk says, “I am just not in the mood for this bit. Just stop.”
Trixie says nothing more but raises to her feet quietly like everyone else. Except Stupendous, he still lies curled in the fetal position on the floor.
“Is he dead?” Gadgeteer asks.
Blackhawk kicks him in the ribcage and a slight moan creaks out of him.
“Guess not.” She says.
Badger scans the room and sees Doc standing next to him, nursing a black eye and a bloody nose.
“What happened to you? And more importantly, where were you while the rest of us were transformed into clichés?”
“Its complicated,” Doc replies, “From what I can gather, Jezebel transported us to a special dimension where you guys were represented by a children’s card game. We started to play, but I didn’t understand the rules and I ended up trying to play a pokemon card and she got frustrated…long story short, she gave up on the card game angle and just decided to cut out the middle man and beat the sh*t out of me with a two-by-four.”
“Wow, that’s uh… pretty pathetic.”
Trixie lifts the unconscious Captain Stupendous from the ground.
“So, I mean we made it back here didn’t we? So, I guess we won right?”
“No,” Doc tells her, “Jez just got tired of hitting me and the spell timed out. So no, we didn’t win.”
“Whatever, who cares?” says Blackhawk tiredly, “As long as everything is back to normal I’m gonna call it a win.”
The rest of the team looks at her uncomfortably.
“Yeah, about that,” Badger says, “You might want to look at your hair.”
She looks and sees it. Utter anger floods her senses and pulses in her veins; the spell didn’t change her hair color back.
“I F*CKING HATE ANIME!!!!”
Jezebel kicks in the door with a glorious grin.
“YES! Victory is mine and Assandra has been humiliated and beaten to a pulp. All is right with the world.”
TR and Karma walk through the door behind her and spread out around the lair. Karma sits in a chair across from their gleaming leader.
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to challenge your glorious plan or anything,” she says, “but if your goal was to just beat Assandra with a stick, I mean… we could have done that without the book. If anything, the book only made everything worse. I nearly suffocated, then made out with a tentacle monster.”
“That was sooooo hot.” TR growls. He squeezes the severed shank of blue tentacle in his hands. Karma looks at him with disgust.
“I can’t believe you brought that with you.”
“I can’t believe you guys wanted to leave it. Tentacle meat is good eatin’.”
“Yeah, normally I would tell you not to eat that because you have no idea where it’s been. But you actually know for a fact where it’s been, and you still want to eat it?”
“So what, its still good and juicy.”
Karma shivers at the connotation hidden in that sentence. Madlibs enters the door towing Wrassler under his arms. He drops him carelessly onto the floor. Wrassler begins ranting in his sleep
“NO… MEGA-ULTRA CHICKEN… CANNOT DEFEAT THE MEGA ULTRA CHICKEN!…”
“God,” Jez moans, “he even sleep-talks at eleven. Where’s the other one?”
“Right here,” Karma says patting her coat pocket.
She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a mini-person with an enormous head, giant shiny eyes, and stubby little limbs. The chibi Psyne Wave practically breathes contempt, absolutely no one seems threatened.
“What should we do about him?” Jezebel asks
“I’ve got an M-80 I’ve been saving for a good occasion.” Says TR
“What?" Yells Karma "No, not that you psycho".
She clutches her tiny chibi boyfriend to her chest like a stuffed animal, “You stay away from him.”
“Listen to me you idiots!” demands the tiny Psyne, “Its your fault I’m like this. It was Jez’s stupid plan that did this. We need to pull out that book and find a way to fix me RIGHT NOW!”
“I don’t know,” Karma says, “I kind of like you better this way. You’re way cuter.”
“KARMA, YOU DIRTY TENTACLE LOVER, FIX ME RIGHT NOW!”
Karma giggles at his high-pitched screams. This only infuriates him more.
“Oh ho… your so cute when your pouting.”
Psyne gives up and slumps back into her hand.
Madlibs then left for his room to catch some Z’s. Jezebel did the same but agreed to look into the book about fixing Psyne first thing tomorrow; well first thing after lunch, and only then if she didn’t have anything else to do. Times New Roman went out back to grill his tentacle shank. Wrassler was left on the floor where Madlibs dropped him. Karma stuffed Psyne back into her pocket despite a deluge of complaints, which she quickly silenced with the question, “do you want to go back into your jar”. From that point forward Psyne just silently endured his humiliation.
She carried him back to his room and plopped him on a nightstand. Outside of the anime world it seems chibis lost the ability to fly and Psyne was trapped at what was for him a four story fall. Karma leaned in on him.
“So I don’t know how you want to work the sleeping arrangements at your new size… oh wait, I just remembered, I have a little doll bed back in my closet. That will fit.”
He stares at her with intense silent hate.
“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”
“A little bit yeah….”
OOC: Hope you enjoyed. I'm surprised the villains actually won this one. Had I voted for superhouse it would have been a tie, which is probably closer to the ending I wrote anyway. And now I go off to write the other million half-started things I have yet to do
Posted 07 April 2011 - 06:32 AM
Posted 07 April 2011 - 02:06 PM
Crosses arms and nods in agreement. Mmm hmm. Cough* Infinium *Cough. Nothing else matters...well, that Sayang/Angel's of Mercy crossover matters too. Nothing else after that matters. *snaps whip*
Posted 11 April 2011 - 02:29 AM
Episode 203, part 2: The Book of Man-Ga, the thrilling conclusion
So, what did you think? Did you guys like the ending, hate it, skip it entirely..
Posted 11 April 2011 - 07:42 AM
Posted 12 June 2011 - 10:25 PM
Calamity on a Whole Bunch o’ Planets
In a dimension not far from our own, symmetrical but held back to another angle, there are people just like you or me. In fact, they are you or me, just not the you or me you may be familiar with.
In one such dimension, president Alexandra Lincoln sent her general Alyssa S. Grant to battle the separatist forces of Roberta E. Lee, using the grand strategy of giving the south the ‘Silent Treatment’ and bad talking them to other countries behind their back. Substantially few people died during this war, despite the cries of many of the men folk for more bloodletting; luckily they couldn’t vote.
In another dimension, angels and demons fight for eternal supremacy with humans caught in the middle. One such human fell into a dimensional warp and now lives on our world, teaching chunky 9th graders gym at St. Cathy’s high; she spends her night blowing chunks out of unsaintly criminals. It’s a good story if I do say so myself; you should check it out.
There is also world 001-B. It sits directly next to ours on the dimensional plane. Everyone has goatees. That’s about it.
Then there is Dimension 002-J. Our story there follows as it might in this world, with six idiots dragged into something waaaaaay out of their league.
A defrocked Shinto priest and a travelling merchant were walking down a country road together when they came to a crossroads near a forest. The priest turned to his companion.
“Which way do we go?”
“What, me?” says the merchant, “I thought you were the one leading this trip.”
“Well f*ck it Norman-san, I can’t be expected to do everything.”
Norman the Merchant drops the bags piled high on his back.
“Do everything? I’m paying for everything, carrying everything, and taking care of everything we need to get by; the least you could do was handle the map.”
“You were in charge of the directions Norman, and I don’t need to take this bull-shit from a freakish slime-sucking merchant class little son of a—“
“All right fine,” Norman says, “Man. You know, for a priest you swear an awful lot.”
“I’m not a priest anymore, I can swear as much as much as I want to… dammit.”
The brush behind them rustles. A muscle bound man covered in steel and leather armor pounces from it, and paces towards them. He draws his katana.
“Halt. You cannot pass this crossroads.”
The ex-priest looks up at him.
“And who the f*ck are you?”
“I am Stupendiro, the great Ronin Samurai of the Forest of death!”
“Stupendiro? That’s a really stupid f*cking name.”
“You’re a stupid name!... Now, what was I saying, oh yes, you cannot pass! The area ahead is too dangerous and filled with Shinobi bandits. If you enter, you will surely die. I am saving you, and I will use my katana if necessary.”
The merchant and the priest look to each other and exchange glances.
“Wait a minute,” says the Merchant, “You’d stop us from entering the Forest of Death, with your katana?”
“Implicitly stabbing us with said katana?”
“But that would kill us anyway, making the whole thing a waste of time. I mean we’d still be dead if we entered the forest, we’d just be dead in a different location.”
“Yeah,” adds the priest, “If your only method of saving us from bandits who jump in off the side of the road to kill us, is to jump in off the side of the road and threaten to kill us, your not doing us any favors. In fact, if anything we’d be dying earlier then if we had entered the forest.”
The samurai casually lifts his sword and gestures with it as he speaks.
“Well I mean; I wouldn’t necessarily kill you. Just rough you up a bit and send you on your way.”
“With a katana?” asks the priest, “How do you rough some one up with a katana? Do you know how sharp those things are? If you tried to rough us up you could cut an artery. We’d bleed out; that would be a slow, painful way to die. At least the bandits might be merciful enough to decapitate us.”
“Or,” says the merchant, “What if we lived, but got permanently injured, dismembered, crippled even. That would be worse.”
“But you’d still be alive,” says the priest, “It wouldn’t be pleasant, but you’d still have that. You’re telling me you’d rather have him kill us, then have him cripple us and live? ”
“But you can’t live like that without some serious wealth,” Says the merchant, “Say he simply cut off both our hands. In no short time, we’d be out of jobs, begging on the streets until we die of starvation, illness, or simple mass poverty. I would take a decapitation over that any day. Easy.”
“SILENCE,” barks the samurai, “You two are just over thinking this! I’m not chopping off anyone’s hands!”
“Ok,” says the priest, “but if you were, you’d agree with me that that would be slightly better then being killed outright.”
“What? No. Yes. Maybe. I don’t know! Just turn around and go back the way you came and I won’t have to do either.”
“Well we can’t turn around either,” says the merchant, “mostly because, we don’t know where we are.”
“Norman! Shut up!” the priest yells. Then he turns to Stupendiro.
“Look, if you’re not actually going to kill, or at least severely maim us in any fashion, could you direct us down the correct road to the village beyond the forest.”
“What? You mean like a guide?” says the swordsman, “Of course! I can guide you through the forest and protect you from the bandits, rather then kill you to stop them from killing you. It’s so obvious, why didn’t I think of it before?”
“Because you’re an moron,” the merchant mutters under his breath.
The samurai swings his blade around gracefully then attempts to plunge it down into his scabbard. He misses and it slices through his thigh; he yelps out a muffled pain scream.
“Wow…these things really are sharp.”
“Just put some pressure on it,” the priest says, “You’ll be fine.”
“How would you know?”
“Long story short, since I left the shrine, I’ve been training to be a healer. I work with spiritual and herbal medicine.”
“A doctor huh? You mind if I call you Doc?”
“I guess not. Makes about as much sense as us all speaking English.”
Stupendiro slips the sword back into its sheath very carefully, then looks to Norman and Doc.
“Allright then, I shall guide you through the Forest of Death… for a nominal fee of course.”
He looks to Doc, who then shrugs and looks back to Norman. Norman’s eyebrows lift.
“Oh yeah, sure. Merchants don’t have any rights, lowest of the low, but when you need some cash, oh no, then it’s a whole ‘nother story. How do we even know this guy knows how to use that thing?”
“Oh course I know how to use it. The pointy end goes into the other man.”
“Oh God,” Doc sighs.
The Merchant, the Priest, and the Samurai continue through the inaptly named Forest of Death. So far, barely anything has tried to kill them at all. This will soon change.
Lying on the path in front of them is a man in black garb covering from his head to his toes. A single white stripe runs up his back. His eyes poke out of a thin slit in his hood. Stupendiro pushes the other two travelers back. He draws his weapon and indicates towards the sleeping man.
“What?” asks Doc.
“It means ninja.”
“Then just say that.”
“Shinobi is more authentic to our time period. Ninja just sounds goofy in context.”
The shinobi moans and begins to slowly crawl to his feet. Stupendiro inches his blade out in front of him in a wavering motion.
The man in black hardly notices him. As he stands, two claw like weapons attached to his gloves become visible. His stance is uneven, unbalanced, and the stench of Sake fumes off his clothes. He looks towards the trio with absolute quizzitivity in his bleary bloodshot eyes.
“What the hell are you guys doing in our secret clan headquarters?”
“What headquarters?” Doc asks, “You were sleeping in the middle of the road.”
The shinobi glances around and finds this to be true. Then the irrational anger bursts out.
“God damn ASSHOLES. Throw me out again. Fine, f*ck y’all too. I didn’t want to be apart of your stupid clan anymore anyway.”
It was unclear who he was yelling at, but he soon turned towards the travelers. Stupendiro’s blade is inches from his face.
“Begone shinobi thief. I will not let you harm these travelers.”
“Buddy, if you don’t get that f*ckin’ thing out of my face right now, I swear, it’s going up your butt.”
“I shall not move. For I am the great Ronin Samurai, Stupendiro of the forest of—”
A palmful of dust flies from the Shinobi’s hand and into Stupendiro’s eyes. He drops his sword; the man shoves his knee into Stupendiro’s nethers. The samurai goes down quick, yelping in pain once more. Tears form in his eyes as he stutters out.
“You can’t do that,” he moans, “that’s against the code.”
“Ninja, motherf*cker. Deal with it.”
As Stupendiro covers himself and rolls along the dirt in pain, Doc and Norman glance to each other.
“You see,” Norman says, “Told you this guy was useless.”
Doc nods in agreement. He steps over the wailing samurai and approaches the shinobi, who has pulled a long bottle from his garb and begins chugging it relentlessly. Doc plasters a smile on his face.
“So then, Mr. Ninja guy,”
“Call me Tanuki.” The shinobi says.
“Tanuki? For real, that’s your name?”
“Codename. All the members of my clan, well, ex-clan at this point (assholes), go by animal code names. Wolf, Bear, Pig, Scorpion, Tiger, Snake, etc etc, and Tanuki.”
“What’s a tanuki?”
“It’s sort of like a mix between a raccoon and a dog. Very furry, almost rodent, almost tiny bear, type of thing.”
“What, like a badger?”
“Ehhhh, sort of badger like I guess. Honestly most of good names were gone. It was either this or “Red knobbed starfish”, so here I am.”
“Whatever,” Doc says, “Look what’s it going to take for you not to rob us.”
Norman is helping Stupendiro to his feet. The ninja glances at them all oddly.
“Rob you? I’m not going to rob you. I’m an assassin, not a bandit. Plus, it doesn’t really look like you guys have much money.”
Then it all happened. The trees rustled and shook with motion. Two dark forms fall from their branches, crashing down next to Tanuki and the travelers. Tanuki takes another gulp of cold sake and points towards the men.
“Now there’s some bandits.”
The two men rise from the ground and peer back at the four men they’ve surrounded. One of them is fat. Really really fat. How fat is he? He’s so fat when you tell him to haul ass he has to make two trips. He’s so fat then when he robbed a ramen shop all the sketch artist came back with was a circle. Etc etc.
The other was dressed in chrome armor, with a red trim and scarlet cords, very fashionable. In one hand he held a mighty East Asian spear, known as the Naginita. His face was covered by a freakishly repulsive demonic mask.
He twirls his spear in the air before slamming it into the ground.
“We demand the princess!”
Our heroes look to each other in confusion.
“What princess?” Doc asks, “We don’t have any princesses.”
“LIAR! Hand her over now!”
“Seriously we don’t have a princess.”
“Come on guys,” Stupendiro says to Doc and Norman, “Just hand her over. These guys mean business.”
“What in the name of f*ck are you talking about? We don’t have a princess.”
Stupendiro leans in closer to him.
“Don’t worry, we won’t actually hand her over, we’ll just pretend to, then sneak attack them at the last second and get her back.”
“Enough of this idle chatter!” The bandit leader shouts, “Attack!”
The two bandits charge; the fat one waddling towards Tanuki. His shadow engulfs the ninja like thunderhead. The bandit growls.
“ARE YOU READY FOR THE SMACK-DOWN, LITTLE MAN!”
“Ready for what” the ninja snarks, “You gonna sit on me fatso?”
“I’M GONNA WRASSLE YOU! BEWARE THE POWER OF… THE SUMO-WRASSLER!”
The man mountain charges and slams into the drunken ninja like a flying brick wall. Tanuki goes flying across the dirt until he skids into a tree. He lays motionless for a second before coming to.
He shakes himself; then rises to his feet, the saki bottle still in his grip. He takes another swig.
“That the best you got lardo? Let me show ya what real martial arts looks like.”
Tanuki drops the now empty bottle and charges towards the Sumo Wrassler in a drunken stupor. The meaty blob just laughs.
Tanuki launches into the air and sets his leg out in an aerial jump kick. It hits the flabby torso. Then it sinks in deeper. And deeper. And deeper. Tanuki looks up in a drunken stupor as everything up to his kneecap is trapped deep inside the folds of the Sumo Wrassler’s belly button.
The fat man’s meaty paw swipes down across his cheek like giant’s pimp slap; Tanuki spins out like a cannonball into a nearby tree.
As the Sumo Wrassler closes in on his prey, the polearmed bandit in the demon mask spars with Stupendiro and his katana.
“You are quite the impressive warrior masked man,” the samurai says, “tell me your name.”
The two blades clash and the fighters move in, holding each other still by their struggle to push forward.
“They call me the Tokyo Ripper.”
“Why do they call you that?”
“Why? Well you see, when I’m done slicing a hundred new holes into your frame, and doing things to those holes which you never thought possible, I’ll rip your body to shreds and write bad haikus onto your dried flesh in your own blood. That way, even in death you will be nothing but a pathetic loser! BWAHAHA!”
They push off and T.R. lunges out for Stupendiro, who parries with the end of his blade. TR’s long reach keeps him out of reach and the psycho lets out a chortling laugh. Stupendiro raises his blade to a defensive position.
“Big talk. At least I’m not a girly man. Don’t you know Naginitas are for women? What are you going to do as a finisher, hit me with your purse?”
They swipe at each other again, the metallic clink of blades echoes through the forest. Behind them a black clad ninja dashes through the forest as a lumbering morbidly obsese man in nothing but a loincloth barges after him. Stupendiro observes this scene for a second too long and the naginita slams across his shoulder, cutting the armor. He laughs it off unharmed.
“Ha! You hit like my sister.”
“Really? Does she have THUNDAH POWAHS!!!”
The Naginita tip bursts with a lightning arc; it blasts the samurai back with a mighty zap and he goes flying into the fleeing ninja. The two men collapse as they hit one another. The short-circuited samurai and the hung-over shinobi both rise to find the bandits closing in on them.
“Damn,” says Tanuki, “you got any bright ideas samurai boy?”
“Uhhhh, flashy zap no make me think anymore so good.”
“Thanks for that.”
As the two bandits close in like predators, our two other less than active heroes watch the proceedings as spectators. Norman the merchant glares up at Doc.
“They’re going to kill them. We have to stop it somehow. If only we could actually find a princess or something.”
“Hey buddy, I only wore that dress one time, as a joke.”
“Well we still have to stop them.”
“Why? I could live without those two idiots.”
“Yeah, but after they kill those two idiots, which two idiots do you think they’re going to come after next?”
“Huh…good point. You still got that surplus merchandise you’ve been wanting to sell?”
Norman grins wide and nods.
Tanuki and Stupendiro slowly back into each other as the two opponents close in. The fat one smiles and the masked one lets out a twisted laugh.
“What should we do with these ones Wrassler? I bet you we could play kickball with the ninja’s head, and maybe even croquet with his other organs.”
“LETS EAT THEM!”
“You always want to eat them.”
“I LIKE CHICKEN, I LIKE LIVER, MEOW MIX MEOW MIX PLEASE DELIVER!”
The ninja and the samurai take final steps back as the realization they may soon become a gravy filled dish fit for a sumo wrestlers belly hits them hard. Then four black orbs soar by next to them. Each has a hissing fuse burning out its back. Tanuki glances at the bomb and chuckles in realization; he grabs his samurai partner by the collar.
“Get ready to run!”
The bombs explode in a hurricane of smoke, quickly engulfing the four warriors. Everything inside the field to black is obscured beyond recognition.
Then, two silhouettes come bursting out. Tanuki and Stupendiro. They scramble for cover behind Doc and Norman, who holds two more unlit smoke bombs in his hand. Doc is calmly chanting over a small charm.
The smoke begins to clear and the two bandits come out coughing. The one in the demon mask points his weapon towards the group and sparks begin to spin off his weapon’s tip. Everyone steps back, save Doc who is still chanting but at a louder faster pace.
“Smoke bombs?” Yells T.R, “Ha! Hope you enjoy using them when I shove them up your—“
Doc’s chanting reaches a zenith and the charm radiates with life. A flowing spectral form rushes out from it. It is a tall spirit, as wide and powerful as the massive sumo wrestler, with fangs like sharpened baseball bats and a face only a mother could love, and only if she was feeling very generous that day. It fully forms into a vicious iron club wielding Oni ogre.
“GWAAAAAAARRRRR!” Roars the unsealed beast.
“Well,” TR says drolly, “That was unexpected.”
“WE CAN TAKE IT!” yells his partner, “NO ONE CAN DEFEAT THE GRUESOME TWOSOME! LETS EAT IT!”
“Ooohhhh,” TR moans, “lightly grilled Oni… that’s good. Put some teriyaki sauce on that, forget about it… But maybe some other day my flabby friend. Besides, the princess is obviously not here; they must be hiding her... Consider this your lucky day punk-ass, we’ll be back.”
With that he pounces back into the trees and the sumo wrestler rockets after him with illogical grace.
The bandits are gone, but the threat isn’t over. The Oni growls deeply then turns back towards its summoner. It eyes the four travelers with its four misshapen eyes.
“Ummmmm Doc,” Norman says, “Maybe its time to call this thing back.”
Doc raises his hands in an attempt to be calming.
“Smiley, No! Bad Oni. Bad! Drop the club, drop it…”
Smiley the Oni Ogre swings it’s massive club back to him and Doc barely skirts out of the way. The two quote-unquote warriors of the group then look to each other.
“You ever kill an Oni before?” Stupendiro asks.
“No,” Tanuki says, “But I think I know just the technique to bring one down.”
The creature roars again as the ninja sprints towards it. He takes a running jump in order to reach the creature’s midsection, and plunges his claws into its gut as he hangs below. With the rest of his forward motion he swings up and forward, plunging his feet between the Oni’s legs.
The Oni falls down like a felled redwood and Tanuki springs off him just in time.
“That was your big technique?” The samurai mocks, “that was the exact same thing you did to attack me.”
“Yeah, well if it ain’t broke… we should really get moving before he gets back up. If he was angry before, well, you know what I mean.”
The group of four exit the Forest of Death. Surprisingly, none of them had died, and save a few injured egos and a Tanuki’s self-induced liver damage, they were mostly fine. As they approach the city lines the honorable samurai looks over his less then honorable companions.
“So I get that he’s a ninja. But what’s the deal with you two? I thought the little guy was a merchant?”
“I am,” says Norman, “ I just happen to be an arms merchant. Bombs, swords, even a European pistol if you want one. Real estate, food, and weapons; that’s what people will always buy. As long as three people left on this mudball, two of them will want to kill each other, and the third stands to make a profit. Mostly I do it because I like the science.”
“Ha!” laughs the shinobi, now on this afternoon’s second Sake bottle, “The science? You’re just a little nerdy nerd Mc nerdington… nerd, funny word. Ha! Nerd-Word, heh, funny.”
Tanuki continues laughing to himself as the sober members of the group continue to ignore him. The Samurai then glares back at the priest.
“What about you? What’s your excuse?”
“When you spend as much time at a Shinto monastery as I did, you pick a few things up.”
Norman’s eyes roll,
“Wish you would have picked up how to control the damn thing,”
“Shut up Norman-san, no one asked you!”
“HA!” Tanuki laughs inappropriately once more, “Norman! Norman the Nerdy Nerd of Nerdington village, from the empire of Nerdia, where the four dork crystals must be gathered and destroyed before anyone in the country has a chance of ever getting laid….hehehe… Speaking of, I think I know a place we aught to hit up once we get inside the town.”
They walk onwards and through the open gates of the sprawling village. They come across many inns which would make suitable places to rest. However they pass by them one by one, as Tanuki assures them that he, “knows a quarter of the city worth stayin’ at”, then he winks a bunch, yet still no one gets it.
As the sun sets, they come to the quarter of the city he was talking about. Women are everywhere, loitering outside ornate red painted buildings. Everything from young girls to haggard old women brush by the group, sending furtive flirting glances towards them. Each “specialty inn” in this district hangs a red paper lantern on their front porch. All the doors are made of translucent paper; behind one, our quartet sees a sultry silhouette pass by and gesture invitingly towards them. Tanuki rubs his hands together and leaks out a lecherous laugh, Stupendiro and Norman drop their mouths and salivate greedily. Doc shrugs and keeps on walking.
“Tanuki, just pick a place,” he says, “I’ve been walking all day and It’s not like there’s any difference.”
“Yes there is.”
“Not for me there isn’t.”
“Yeah well, it ain’t that simple,” Tanuki replies sheepishly, “Fact is, I can’t go into most of these places.”
“Because you’re a ninja?”
“Because I’ve been banned for life. Repeatedly. Seriously, I could be executed just by saying hello at this point.”
He glances around the square until his eyes come to rest on a smaller establishment down a back alley. It seems to be a smaller cousin to the brothels next to it; the paint is peeling off the walls and there is no red lantern hanging from the roof. Business seems slower there, less ways to be noticed. Tanuki grins.
He issues for the others to follow him and they do. They reach the small establishment and he slides the door open. The interior is a bit dim, the walls are in need of some refurbishing, and the lobby is vacant save the four new comers. It has seen better days.
Behind a desk sits a twenty’s something woman in geisha make up and a black kimono. She is casually reading a book, a romance novel perhaps. As they walk in her ears perk up at the sound of the sliding door. She shifts her eyes up towards the four men walking towards her.
“Customers.” She exclaims, “Trixie-kun, front and center!”
The woman pounces out from her desk and approaches the group in a rush. She hurriedly bows, then looks up to them with a smile.
“Good evening gentleman, and welcome to Lady Black-Crane’s teahouse and inn. I am your hostess, Lady BlackCrane herself. Allow me and my associate, Trixie-san, to serve and entertain you this evening… …. ….TRIXIE!”
The blonde pops out of a backdoor just as Black-Crane calls her. Despite being the same age, Trixie makes her boss look like an old maid. Her fair skinned legs poke through the kimono enticing the travelers, and her blonde locks are lush and glowing. Her blue eyes are doe-like and trusting; partially because the brain behind them hasn’t been used for ages.
“Sorry BlackCrane-Sama, I was just ‘finishing up’, with another client.”
She turns to her new customers, places her hands on her legs and leans in temptingly with that empty open smile. Stupendiro and Norman are hooked instantly, and a single wink from her is enough to reel them in. Stupendiro rushes to her and prostrates himself before her.
“Beautiful Trixie, I am the great samurai Stupendiro, and it is my honor to meet such a beautiful creature as yourself.”
He gets down even lower and begins kissing her feet in mad passion. Trixie laughs uncomfortably.
“Oh, hello, yes, you are very friendly aren’t you? It’s a pleasure to meet you too, great samurai-san.”
“Oh thank you my lady, you’ve made me soo happy. We will be married in the spring, the cherry blossoms will be blooming, it will be amazing, wonderful, stupendous even!”
“Marriage? Wait, what?”
The tiny merchant charges in and body checks the kneeling samurai across the room. Trixie observes the whole thing confused, as Norman looks up to her.
“Don’t listen to him. You don’t want to marry a guy like that.”
“No. A girl likes you wants a man who can take care of her.”
“She wants a man who can buy her nice things.”
“Well,” Trixie muses, “I do like nice things. Nice expensive things. Nice, expensive, shiny things.”
The samurai gets back up and punts the merchant across the room and into a far wall. The ninja, the priest, and the geisha watch amused but say nothing. The samurai grabs Trixie’s hand and stares into her vacant giddy gaze.
“No my darling Trixie-Chan. He is low class, I am samurai, high class. If you marry him it would be like marrying a toad.”
“Oh, well I wouldn’t want that… But what if the toad was a prince?”
“The toad’s not a prince. He’s just a toad, a short, slimey, money grubbing toad. However if you marry into my class you could become nobility.”
“What, like a princess? Oh-my-God, I could be a princess? Awesome!”
Norman pounces up and launches himself onto the samurai’s back and scurries across his head, covering his eyes. Stupendiro struggles to throw him off as Norman speaks.
“He’s lying! The man lives in a forest ambushing travelers, you’d be a married to an oaf, a peasant, a shaved baboon! I could make you so much happier!”
“Get off man,” yells Stupendiro, “I saw her first!”
“Bullshit, we saw her at the exact same time!”
“Yeah but I’m calling dibs. 1-2-3 dibs, she’s mine, now get off!”
“Boys, boys,” Trixie coos, “I am sure I can take care of both of you… Not necessarily at the same time; that will cost ya extra.”
As Norman and Stu roll about on the floor, biting and strangling each other like wild dogs, Tanuki looks away from the show and towards Doc.
“So, I guess we know who they want. What do you say priest, want to go split-zeys on the brunette over here?”
The geisha’s eyebrows rise.
Doc shakes his head, “No thanks, not really my ‘type’, you know.”
“Sure,” Tanuki says, “Your loss bro. Ok, lady black-hawk, or whatever your name is; I’m gonna want a half & half, with a reverse dragon rider, no teeth, and a 2-1 parlay once your partner is finished.”
The geisha’s grin cracks a bit. Hidden rage brims behind her eyes; she takes the shinobi by the shoulder and speaks with an unbreakable monotone.
“Oh, I see… You seem to be mistaken… Allow me to correct your misunderstanding.”
Her knee flies between his legs with a strike strong enough to reverse puberty.
“WE ARE GEISHA, NOT WHORES!”
Tanuki collapses like a sack of rocks. Trixie’s head perks up.
“We’re not?....oh… Wish I knew that earlier.”
Doc remains the only one of their group not currently struggling on the floor. He looks towards Lady BlackCrane. Anger is still buried in her eyes.
“So, if you’re not prostitutes what are you doing in the red-light district?”
“What, I’m to blame just because it’s a bad part of town,” She yells, “Do you know how hard it is to get zoning rights? We’re not whores, we are geisha; legitimate entertainers who give male clients company and entertainment on a nightly basis.”
“……. Still kind of sounds like a whore to me.”
“It’s legitimate! We sing, dance, play music, and entertain. It’s all about companionship.”
“What?” Tanuki moans, “Why would anyone pay money to be around you?”
“Because I am witty, sophisticated, entertaining, and gentil.”
“Gentil? You just nailed me in the nads!”
“To be fair,” says Doc, “That was mildly entertaining from my position. I’ve seen three people hit in the balls today. Got to tell ya, its still funny.”
It was late, nearing midnight. The inn was cozy but not tiny, all the guests were asleep in various different rooms. The two employees were cleaning up. BlackCrane sits at a round table in the tea room across from a snoring Tanuki. Six empty bottles are toppled around the table next to a pair of sake glasses. Tanuki snorts in his sleep, but is otherwise an unconscious lump lying across the top of the table.
Trixie comes down quietly. BlackCrane sees her.
“Don’t bother whispering,” she tells Trixie, “We could set off gunpowder in here and he wouldn’t budge. Got to admit, I am mildly impressed though.”
“What happened to him?”
“Turns out socking a man in the junk isn’t always enough to get across the message that you’re not interested. He kept following me, so I told him if he could beat me in a drinking contest I might ‘change my attitude’. After three bottles he went down.”
“Three bottles of sake? How the hell did you keep up?”
“Easy. I was drinking the watered-down supply we keep off the shelf. He was drinking grain alcohol.”
Tanuki snorts again but then continues breathing slowly. BlackCrane pokes him contemptuously, then looks to Trixie.
“What about you? You manage to handle those two other idiots?”
“Oh yes, I took care of them all right.”
“Took care of them? Trixie you didn’t—”
“They spent the whole night groveling and fighting each other, I didn’t have to do a thing. Two gentleman suitors, one obscenely rich, one a noble masculine warrior; what’s a girl to do?”
“Yeah,” BlackCrane snarks, “Your life is sooo complicated…
She takes a quick shot of the sake.
Trixie doesn’t hear this and strides out the room to the small garden behind the inn. She slides the paper door open and walks out into the moonlight. The beams of light reflect off the building’s walls and the puddle of a Koi-pond straight in front of her. Had she been more aware, she would have noticed the two ghastly shadows looming across the tile roof. Unfortunately her mind was elsewhere.
She holds out her hands as if cautiously weighing two planets in her palms; as she lowers one, she raises the other.
“Princess…. money…. Money….princess……. hot samurai…. expensive stuff….Oh what’s a girl to do?”
The two shadows creep closer, one thin and tall, the other wide and eclipsing the moon with its fat bulk. Trixie snaps her fingers.
“I got it! I marry them both and I get to be a rich princess! Everybody’s happy; especially me!”
“Good,” says a wicked voice behind her, “because the rest of your night is about to get a lot less fun, blondie.”
Trixie turns and sees them.
“Hey, what do you guys want? The inn’s closed, and if you want to have a turn, you gotta talk to BlackCrane first.”
“Don't worry we'll leave a note, how's this; 'dear whatsyourface, we kidnapped the whore princess. Deal with it. Sincerely yours, Tokyo Ripper and Sumo Wrassler'. Not bad right. I want to keep it brief since I'll be signing it in your blood.”
The bandits seize upon Trixie and laugh with sick malevolence. Trixie screams.
“BlackCrane! Stupendiro! Norman! Somebody, please! I’d take the gay priest at this point…..HELP MEEEEEE!”
The fat one drops his meaty paw across her cheek.
The smack hits her hard, echoing like a thunderclap. Trixie goes out cold instantly. Sumo-Wrassler heaves her over his round shoulder. TR looks her up and down then gives a quick and disturbing chuckle.
“Tell me my flabby friend, you ever have a reverse dragon rider?”
“SUMO HUNGRY! LET’S EAT HER UP!!!!”
“….Why? She’s unconscious, she couldn’t even—oohhhhhh, eat her up. Sorry lost track for a second there, thought you meant something else.... I’m afraid we can’t eat this one, we need her alive. However, I bet that Oni is still wandering around in the forest…”
The paper door opens and BlackCrane enters in. She stares up at the two bandits standing in her garden.
“Hey what are you two doing? Put her down; no freebies!”
The bandits jump off the ground with gymnastic grace and fly into the air. They disappear into the night, with Trixie captured in their grasp.
To be continued….maybe… don’t count on it.
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