I lol'd at that part. By the way wonderful job with Wilder. You definitely took my best expectations and brought them on to the next level with your writing. You're a great writer and I hope to read future installments of your Superhouse series.
Posted 18 December 2010 - 12:35 AM
Posted 18 December 2010 - 02:45 AM
I lol'd at that part. By the way wonderful job with Wilder. You definitely took my best expectations and brought them on to the next level with your writing. You're a great writer and I hope to read future installments of your Superhouse series.
No problems, I was glad I was able to use Wilder. This whole thing worked out really well, and I know it sounds cheesy, but I wouldn't have been able to do this without all everybody's characters.
Posted 30 December 2010 - 08:43 PM
Posted 30 December 2010 - 10:51 PM
I have to read long fics like these in spurts. I'm not finished, but it's been great so far. You write my characters well. First the Seven Demons, now the Actor's Guild. I should just let you write the fics for my characters. I wasn't a huge Superhouse fan originally. It was funny, but it's taken me some time to warm up to funny. I finally entered my own funny into the ring with the Misfits (and soon Misfictions), so I'm on board. These fics really help with the character development. I appreciate any development you guys take on the Raya Sayang storyline too. You know where the storyline is going and part of the reason you are on the team is because I trust where you'll take it without huge supervision and destroying my vision of it. Long story short, great job. Keep up the good work. Look forward to more.
Thanks treach. Here I was just being glad I could get into the out-of-context theater .
I'm officially done with characters for awhile after my last two, so I'll be focusing on fics. Probably short little ones but I'll see if I can add some sayang stuff along with it when I get the time. Nilan and I have been talking about a few ideas so we'll see what becomes of it. I've actually been meaning to do some fight fictions with these guys or Jack & Jill, but not all of their matches have been really inspiring as of late.
Posted 12 February 2011 - 08:33 PM
A Pair of Full Houses
It’s the day you’ve been waiting for. On the season première of Superhouse, two houses meet. Evil meets good, brains meets brawn, sheer stupidity meets violent psychosis. In a blatant attempt at cross-marketing, we present the collision of our first wildly popular show and the semi-identical spinoff, which we know you’re still going to watch. Tonight, Superhouse meets EvilHouse!
“Kneel before your Emperor foolish plebe, or die where you stand!”
“NEVER!” yells Captain Stupendous.
His eyes began to light with laser vision, the man in the chrome-plated legionnaire Halloween costume charged forward with a spear. The twin laser beams came forth just as a bolt of electricity danced off the edge of the spear. Both men get hit simultaneously; they fly backwards.
Badger and Psyne are chilling on the porch steps, watching the match-up from a few yards away. Blackhawk pushes the door open just as Stupendous and Times New Roman are getting back to their feet.
“What are they doing?” She asks.
“Fighting,” Badger says.
“I can see that. Why are they fighting?”
“Oh, well first off, I convinced Stupendous that T.R. was making moves on Trixie,”
“To be fair, that part was true,” adds Psyne, “Then I told T.R. that Stupendous thought that the Mongolian Empire could kick the Roman Empire’s ass.”
“Was that part true?” Blackhawk asks.
“That the Mongolians could beat the Romans? How the hell should I know?”
“No,” says Blackhawk, “Was it true that Stupendous either would or could actually think of something like that?”
“Are you kidding,” Badger laughs, “Stupendous can’t even pronounce ‘Mongolian’. Why are you asking us twenty questions; two assholes are fighting, just go with it.”
“Well that’s not why I’m here,” she says, “It was weird, I was in my room and I heard this voice out of nowhere, it told me to come down stairs and go outside.”
“Oh yeah,” says Psyne, “That was me. I called you. I also believe I mentioned grabbing us some beers…”
Blackhawk sneers back. She strides back inside the house silently. Badger nods impressed.
“Wow. You actually got her to do it. That was pretty amazing.”
“Well, its all about confidence and respect. As long as you a lot of confidence in yourself and no respect for her, you can get them to do anything. I always say,”
Blackhawk emerges from the house holding three beer bottles; she silently approaches the two with unusual calm. Psyne doesn’t bother to pause.
“that it’s about taking chances, because sometimes you just got to—DUCK!”
He dives to the ground as Blackhawk swings a bottle at the back of his head. It soars past where he once was and smashes Badger across the nose in a geyser of blood.
Karma and Trixie are alone in Trixie’s bedroom. Trixie sits down on her bed as Karma slowly reaches her hand back and pulls her hair between her fingers; the locks grow to shoulder length as she unexplainably stretches them out. They then gradually brighten to match with Trixie’s brand of platinum blonde. Her hairstyle now matches Trixie’s identically, she turns to her with insecure eyes.
“So…what do you think?”
“I think it looks great!” Trixie says with a giddy laugh, “He’ll definitely love it, it makes you look hot!”
“You think so?”
Karma smiles gleefully at this, her cheekbones tighten to frame her face. Her eyes turn from a dour brown to a bright happy blue. She sits down next to her doppelganger.
“Oh yeah, all guys like blondes. It’s like, a statistic or something. But if you really want to get them, you got to use this special brand of shampoo. Here, smell,”
Trixie leans closer, much closer. Karma sniff’s the air less then an inch from Trixie’s hair.
“Yeah, that does smell nice,” Karma says in an airily trance, “But that’s not why the guys like you though… You’re lucky Trixie, your so beautiful…”
“Like how?” Trixie asks slowly.
“I don’t know, all of you… your gorgeous hair, your…smooth skin,”
Karma gently places her hand on Trixie’s wrist, it caresses its way up her arm to her shoulder, then runs behind her neck.
“your beautiful blue eyes,”
The girls lock eyes. They seem trapped in the pools of blue just across from them.
“Your…beautiful red lips.”
The girls lean in across the bed,
“OH YEAH!” comes a shout from the oversized hamper in the corner.
Karma snaps out of her daze and looks back in its direction.
“What the hell?”
She approaches the hamper and lifts off it’s top. A mammoth muscle-bound freak pops out foaming from the mouth.
“Jesus Christ! What the hell are you doing in there?”
“DON’T YOU WORRY ABOUT IT! JUST LET THE RASSLE-MAN WATCH AND NOBODY WILL EVER KNOW!”
“Ewww,” shrieks Trixie, “get out of my room you pervert!”
“Damn it Wrassler!” comes another shout from across the room, this time from the far closet.
Psyne reveals himself by pulling the closet door open from the inside.
“You just have to ruin everything for everyone, don’t you? We were so freaking close!”
Psyne storms out of the closet, Stupendous appears inside and follows him out. Both glare at Wrassler.
“What the hell are you guys doing?!” Karma yells. Her face turns livid red, as does her eyes and hair color.
Everyone ignores her. Psyne calls out towards the massive wardrobe sitting next to the bed.
“Hey Badge, you get any documentation?”
The wardrobe doors swing open from the inside. Badger crawls out from the mess of hanging clothes with a heavy camera over his shoulder.
“Well I got video up till the point of interruption, but I think we lost audio about halfway through. Norman, were you able to fix that buzz?”
Gadgeteer pops out from under the bed wearing oversized headphones. As he pulls himself out he drags a five foot overhead audio boom with him.
“Naw,” he says, “The only thing I got was a Mr. No-Volume control.”
“Will all of you just get OUT!” Screams Trixie.
Karma runs out first in anger. Stupendous and Wrassler casually walk out. Psyne, Badger, and the Gadgeteer gather their hidden recording devices from across the room, then follow suit. Trixie shuts her wardrobe then stomps across her bedroom to the closet; she moves to shut it before a gloved hand pops out and stops her. A man in a black faceless mask emerges from the closet, nods his head politely, then strolls out without a word. Trixie sighs and tries to shut the door again, before being stopped again. This time Doc comes out looking mildly irritated.
“Dammit, how freaking big is this closet?”
“When guys want something that bad the laws of time and space don’t apply; your closet was like TARDIS.”
Trixie stares back blankly. Doc sighs.
“Girl you need to start reading books, or at least watch something other than MTV.”
“What are you talking about? What the hell were you doing in there anyway, you’re gay!”
“Phh, please girl, nobody’s that gay.”
Doc shrugs and walks out. Trixie follows and slams the door behind him. The room is quiet and she appears to be alone. She walks to her bed, lies down, and pouts. She runs her hands over her eyes. She turns and notices a large lump in her bed next to her. She sighs again and rips the covers up; a jackass in a chrome plated legionnaire suit and gladiator mask is lying beneath the covers with his hands behind his head. He turns towards her.
“So baby, you ever seen a Roman Candle go off?”
“JUST GET THE F*CK OUT!”
Doc is staring back at her with the same intensity she is glaring back at him. It’s not that he wants to look at her, he just doesn’t want to turn his back to her, ever. She smiles innocently and fidgets with the butterfly barrette in her hair. The front door opens and their producer walks in.
“O.K. you two, I flew in all the way from Vegas to deal with this so it better be important.”
“It is,” says Doc, “I do not feel comfortable with her on the opposing team. Can you just, you know, replace her or something?”
“I think he is totally over-reacting.” Jezebel chimes in.
“Over-reacting? You threatened to kill me!”
“She’s a Supervillain.” Mr. Jack adds, “She’s supposed to try to kill you. That’s the point of the show. Superhouse fights Evilhouse, violence and ratings ensue.”
“Yeah I get that” Doc says, “But this isn’t, she tries to rob a bank, I show up, we fight, then go home. This is, I go to sleep, she breaks in, and stands over me with a knife whispering ‘blood, blood, blood’.”
“I would never do that,” Jezebel says with a coy laugh.
Doc’s eyebrows raise, he reaches into his pockets and produces a stack of papers. He works through the stack until he picks out a tri-folded note.
“Dear Assandra,” he reads calmly, “ You are a two-faced, lying, rat-bastard. You do not deserve breath you pagan worshipping, heretical, conjuring, son of a whore. I want to break into your room while you sleep, cut out your lying heart like you broke mine, wrap it in shattered glass, and force you to eat it.”
“That is being taken way out of context. I wrote that just after we broke up, I was still angry; it was a temporary phase.”
Doc pulls two more letters out from the pile, and continues reading
“Dear Doc, I’m still coming to kill you. The only reason you’re still standing is that I cannot imagine a suitably painful way to completely eviscerate you. I have found a casting call for the spin-off of that f*cking reality show you’re on. I hope we meet soon so I can rip out your lying tongue, along with some other choice body parts, on national television.”
He drops the first letter and lifts up the second.
“This one just says, ‘Be afraid, be very afraid’, and its written in blood.”
“It’s just pig’s blood,” Jez says, while brushing a few wandering particles off her pink cashmere sleeve. Her appearance meticulously perfect once more, she turns away from Doc and looks innocently to Mr. Jack.
“It was a bad break-up, so I wrote a few threatening notes in blood—”
“Don’t forget the drawings” Doc throws out angrily.
He pulls out more pieces of paper from the pile and shows them to Jack. The first depicts a stick figure marked ‘Doc’ being chased by wolves the size of Clydesdales with blood dripping down their fangs. The next picture shows another stick figure who has had his entire upper torso disintegrated, while a second stick figure appearing similar to Jezebel holds him by his ankles over a pool of green liquid marked ‘acid’. The third piece of paper just has a big water stain on it. A few colors can be seen, but everything is blurred beyond recognition.
“What’s that supposed to be a picture of?” Jack asks.
“I don’t know,” replies Doc, “but based on the smell, somebody drew something then urinated on it.”
He turns slowly to Jezebel who ignores him without a word.
“Look,” says Mr. Jack, “I’m not here to babysit. Whatever personal problems you have, work them out, or better yet don’t. I was kind of hoping we could get some rivalries going…Besides, Jezebel applied as a supervillain, cold-blooded murder is actively encouraged. There’s nothing I can do.”
“How can she even be on the show? I have a restraining order against her, she’s not supposed to be within 500 feet of me.”
“Oh sweetie,” Jezebel chimes sarcastically, “like I’d need 500 feet to kill you…”
“SEE? This is exactly what I’m talking about! There’s no way this woman should legally be anywhere near me!”
Mr. Jack begins to walk back towards the door.
“Sorry my boy, you really seem to be missing the concept of supervillainy. A restraining order isn’t really going to deter the kind of people who willingly blow up hospitals. As for you Miss Jezebel, if you really must kill him, make sure the cameras are rolling. I don’t want to use the word ‘flashy’, but… a little showmanship never hurts the ratings…”
“Of course, I’ll do my best…”
Jack ambles back out the door. Jezebel stands up and follows, she turns back just as her hand touches the doorknob.
“Don’t worry Doc, I’m sure well both have a lovely time. And remember—never—be—alone…”
Her smile drops and she walks out. Doc runs his hands through his hair.
“F*ck……that’s the last time I use a dating site.”
Posted 13 February 2011 - 02:59 AM
The Wrassler: A constantly yelling, constantly angry, ex pro-wrestler who's let years of concussions and steroid abuse lead him to a lifestyle of psychotic mayhem. Acts as the mindless muscle of the group.
Times New Roman: A member of the former super-villain super-group known as Typeface. He's now on his own and perpetrates crimes with an Ancient Roman aesthetic. Considers himself the leader and is pretty much allowed to believe as such.
Psyne Wave: A semi-evil, but mostly just dickish, telepath who delights in manipulation and just plain f*cking with people's heads. Is basically the team mentalist and spy, fills the real team-leader in on what everyone is thinking.
Karma Chameleon: Perhaps the least evil of the entire group. A socially awkward shape-shifter with body issues, whose form unconsciously alters based on her self-esteem and self-image. Often used as bait, a decoy, or means of entering secured locations.
Madlibs: A mute in a face cloaking mask who communicates through a whiteboard or indirectly through mental conversation with Psyne. Can immediately transform any object around him into something else; what that something else is, is entirely up to chance. Acts as the team Wild-Card.
Jezebel:The only member to use her actual name, Jezebel has no powers or special weapons and appears to be an iconic villainous popular-girl from a 90's teen movie. She is the maniacal brains behind the whole operation and is in it to get revenge on Doc Assandra, who dumped her online.
Posted 13 February 2011 - 11:13 AM
Posted 13 February 2011 - 09:03 PM
This may be the most hilarious installment yet. It was consistently funny throughout the reading. The scene in Trixie's bedroom in particular had me almost falling out of my chair. Bravo, deo.
Thanks Jason. Glad to know that bit worked.
Posted 14 February 2011 - 01:13 PM
Posted 01 March 2011 - 03:11 PM
The stereo pumped The Hustle, Be’at-Dow’n danced like a groovy maniac. The leggy blonde next to him did her best to keep up and laughed like a hyena in the meanwhile. The god of the dance looked across into the adjoining room to see the others just standing against the wall watching. He did a groovy hand wave to invite them over.
“Come on guys, you know you want to; just relax everything and let that funky feeling take over your whole body.”
“Oh, well thanks,” called a dark haired mage, “but everybody’s tired from jet-lag. Why don’t you two keep on dancing and we’ll join you later.”
“Are you sure?” Trixie asked from the dance floor, “ This is really neat guys, we can have a stuffy meeting anytime, let’s party!”
“No, really,” replied the mage, “you two keep going. Have fun.”
With that the superhero mage known as Shijin closed the folding door between the two rooms. The music from the next room was muffled just enough to ignore; everyone took a seat anxiously. Shijin cleared his throat.
“Well I’m glad you could all make your way up from Miami… I’ll be honest I wouldn’t normally try to get advice from people who are so, well, let’s say… incompetent. But the fact is you are quite literally, the only option I have left.”
“Don’t worry about it” said Blackhawk, “If it wasn’t for people desperately settling for less, Badger would never be able to get a date.”
Badger glares at her.
“This coming from the girl who went to Prom with her cousin?”
She punches him in the arm, hard; he lets out a pained mutter. Behind him Norman the Gadgeteer holds his hand upright. Badger rubs his arm then looks to Norman.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m raising my hand.”
Blackhawk, still irritated, leans in from her chair and punches Badger in the side of the gut while his head is turned. He yelps again. Shijin lays his chin on his hands and sighs.
“You don’t have to raise your hand, this isn’t the fourth grade, just say what you want to say.”
“Well I guess I kind of missed the point,” Norman says, “What problem do you need our help with?”
“Oh, right. In short, the Sentinels are losing members, quickly. It’s basically down to just a handful of us, and you all somehow miraculously managed to survive.”
Doc leans back in his chair and shrugs.
“Why don’t you get dancing boy to help you.”
“I’ve got nothing against the guy,” says Shijin, “but it’s impossible to get him to focus on anything. It’s disco, disco, disco, all the time. I’m actually glad your little friend managed to distract him.”
“Yeah, she’s gotten really good at distracting guys,” Blackhawk snarks, “Why don’t you call in Mandle… Madla…Mandela…”
“Mandela?” says Badger, “Nelson Mandela? I don’t think he was ever in the Sentinels. Although it would be cool to have the guy who played God on your side; his voice alone is like a superpower.”
“What? No. You’re thinking of Morgan Freeman. Anyway I mean the guy with the shield and the spear, and the fighting, and the whatever,”
“Mandla,” adds Shijin, “and he disappeared. No one knows where.”
“What about the other guy,” asks Doc, “the other one with the shield, and the green pajamas? Awesome Face. Did he disappear too?”
“No, we know what happened to him, we just don’t care. This leaves me with you idiots. I immediately regret saying this, but do any of you have ideas on how we can get more members?”
Stupendous’s arm shoots into the air. He waves it in wild circles as Shijin scans the room.
“Anybody else, anybody at all, any ideas?”
“Psssst” goes Stupendous, “Pssst…Psssssssssssssssssssssssssst!”
The mage sighs. He looks towards Stupendous and braces for the worst.
“Yes, I see you, you can put your hand down.”
Another quick fist slugs Badger in the funny bone. He makes more strained noises.
“Aaaah! Teacher, she keeps hitting me!”
“I am not you freaking TEACHER!” Yells Shijin.
“But she won’t stop!”
“I’m not doing anything,” whines Blackhawk.
Shijin sighs again, then points to Stupendous who drops his arm at the mage’s motion and leans in towards the table.
“Ok, if there’s anything I know, its cool names, and the first thing to do is to kick up our title a bit. We can be ‘The Sentinels of Liberty and Justice’, or we can be ‘Captain Stupendous and The Super-Sentinels of Liberty, Justice, And Awesomeness for America with Freedom!”
There is a brief pause. Shijin rubs his temples.
“First of all,” he says, “that doesn’t make sense as a name, or even a sentence. Second, it will be a cold day in hell before you get top billing. Third, I don’t think we were losing people because our underuse of adjectives. The name is superfluous as is.”
“Exactly, but we just need to make it more Super-Fluous, and it will be Super-cool.”
Badger raises his hand for some reason, but does not bother and wait to be called on.
“I’m going to interrupt here,” he says, “While we should always disregard anything Stupendous says that contains the words ‘If there’s anything I know’, I think he’s onto something. By which I mean his suggestion was soooo wrong, it led me to the correct one. We need a name change, but not anything longer. Since everyone’s texting these days we need a name you can type with one hand as you’re getting off the John. We’ve got to have something gritty and short, like ‘the S.L.J’, or better yet just ‘the S’.”
“What are you talking about?” asks Doc, “That makes even less sense then what Stupendous said”.
“Doc, doc, doc…” Badger says coolly, “You just don’t get Marketing like I do. This is hip and viral, this is urban, this will grow the brand…”
“You’re just talking out your ass! Watching Mad Men, does not mean you understand marketing. Hell, I’m the only one here with a college degree.”
“Oh yes, ‘Doctor Assandra’, why don’t you use your Internet college learning to wow us in the field of, what was it again, ‘Communications Studies’?”
Doc leans in and addresses the whole table.
“Look, our problem isn’t marketing. A slick makeover or a name change won’t solve the real problem. While we’re dropping members like flies, The Angels of Mercy are growing into our territory. We need to convince people that our brand of Justice can still work.”
“Why don’t we prove we can be just as badass as they can,” adds Blackhawk.
“Simple,” she says, “We just have to kill someone.”
“No,” says Shijin across the table, “We are not, KILLING, anyone.”
“It doesn’t have to be anyone important. Just someone evil yet expendable, to prove that we can; like an undead ghoul, or a henchman. It’s not even really murder.”
“I can actually help with that” Doc adds, “I can set up a little zombie army, maybe some deceased zombie dictator, Stalin, Mao, whatever. We let them loose in like Khazan or something, they do a little property damage, we swoop in and take them out, claiming it was the right thing to do.”
Shijin slams his fist onto the table.
“You are not going to raise a dictator from the grave and give him an undead army to let loose in Khazan, just so you can look heroic when you stop him. That is entirely what The Sentinels are NOT about.”
“Fine spoilsport,” says Blackhawk, “but we at least got to butch up our image.”
Badger turns to her with a laugh.
“You would know about that, wouldn’t you?”
She socks him hard in the throat, then continues.
“We gotta try to get tougher. More powerful, dangerous, imposing… starting with you actually.”
“Why with me?” asks Shijin.
“Well its just a few little things,”
“The puns, the puns, the puns ” Doc moans, “Oh God—The Puns.”
“Not to mention,” says Blackhawk “with the cloak and long hair, you just look sort of like a, like a….” she nudges Badger “help me out here,”
“Like a Final Fantasy character” he adds.
“I’m a mage!” Shijin yells, “This has been the traditional dress for the line of my predecessors for centuries.”
“Oh please sweetheart, its 2010” Doc scoffs, “ I’m an openly gay necromancer, and even I don’t wear a mauve tunic with a fur trim.”
“What? This is midnight black!”
“Sure it is.”
The sliding door opens and the song What is Love comes careening in. Trixie stumbles in slightly behind it. The God of Disco is still jamming out behind her. His brow seems to be dipped in a gallon of sweat. She closes the door and the music is blocked off again.
“Man, that guy really knows how to dance… I think I’m going to take a little breather. What are you guys talking about?”
“Were trying to come up with ideas to increase Sentinels membership,” replies the irritated mage in the mauvish tunic, “I don’t surprise you’d have any ideas?”
Trixie stalls while her brain starts warming up.
“Wellllll…. What if… What if you made us all official Sentinels? Right now we’re only counted as one team membership, but if we split up then its, (one, two, three, four…) six new members.
“There is no way I would do that. You all are dangerous enough when you’re located in one place. God knows what will happen if you were to spread out.”
“Besides,” adds Badger, “if we were to do that, we’d all need our own slots, and Deo said he’s out of street-level spaces.”
Blackhawk turns to him.
“What are you talking about, who’s Deo and what spaces?”
“Hmmm? You know Deo.”
“No I don’t.”
“Deo… You’ve met Deo…He’s the guy from the Sentinels headquarter parking lot. He said he ran out spaces”
“What? What about him, what spaces?”
“He told me he ran out of street-level slots.”
“Slots for what?!”
“For CARS! Street-Level spots for cars!”
“YOU’RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE!”
“Because if we separate then we’d all need our own CARS! Try to stay on the same F*CKING page!”
It was at this point that Blackahawk lunged from her chair and wrapped her hands around his throat.
OOC: Thanks to Hugo and Magnetrex for letting me use their characters. Long live the Super-Sentinels of Peace and Justice with Awesomeness for America's Freedom!
Posted 01 March 2011 - 03:45 PM
Posted 01 March 2011 - 03:51 PM
Posted 01 March 2011 - 04:11 PM
Posted 01 March 2011 - 05:36 PM
Posted 04 April 2011 - 02:41 AM
Episode 203: Superhouse meets Evilhouse, The book of Man-Ga
The bald middle-aged security guard strolled down the halls calmly. He had checked up on all the areas of the museum and nothing was amiss. There was one patch of utter darkness in the entire museum floor, and he chose to stop right in front of it.
“Well, this sure is a great job,” he said to no one in particular, “yup, I just guard the artifacts all night. The only bad thing that ever might happen would be if someone wanted to steal them, but that could only happen if they snuck up on me. But that will never happen, especially when I retire in only two weeks, so I’ll just turn my back to this one dark section in the entire museum and look the other way. I’m so sure that nothing bad will—”
There is a horrendous zap as the security guard spasms violently then passes out onto the floor. Times New Roman emerges from the patch of shadow behind him. The rest of his teammates also somehow walk out of the small darkened section of floor space despite that it was empty like a second ago.
Jezebel leads the group and heads towards an ancient manuscript hidden behind a glass box. The manuscript is a book no less than 2000 years old, and depicts a blue haired woman on the front page with lines of Japanese writing beneath her. Jezebel lifts the box and grabs the manuscript
“So we’re here at last, (ZAP), I have finally found it, (ZAP), the weapon which will finally let me destroy Assandra once and for all! (ZAP!)”
She looks back at TR who is continually prodding the security guard with the end of his spear.
“Would you knock that off?”
“Knock what off?”
He pokes the body again and the spear zaps the guard’s torso; the area of muscle twitches with the electrical impulse.
“That,” she says, “Knock that off. I’m trying to give a big villainous speech here.”
“I know, but look at this, I can make him dance.”
TR continually prods the guard’s ass and legs to make twitch in sequence as he sings Funky Town.
“Take me to, Funky Towwwwn (Zap, Zap, Zap)!”
A massive sound of shattering comes from above. The windowed ceiling breaks as the Superhouse team jump through; shards of glass rain down upon the evildoers.
“Halt!” cries Captain Stupendous, “In the name of Justice and stuff!”
“Aha,” calls Trixie, “Bet you didn’t expect to see us again.”
“What are you talking about,” says Psyne, “we see you guys like once a week. This is a tv show, and we always know when you’re coming because the producers give us schedules in advance. Hell, our cameramen probably just texted your camera men with the directions.”
The camera men look to each other and shrug. Jezebel snaps for their attention.
“Hey, Jimmy, over here, close up on my face, you’re going to want to see this—ahem—The surprise is on you heroes! For I now have the book of Man-Ga! Beware my power!”
The superheroes stand back in fright. Badger turns to Doctor Assandra,
“The book of Man-Ga. That sounds bad…so…what exactly is it?”
“How the hell should I know,” Doc retorts, “I just got here, same as you.”
“But aren’t you supposed to be like the special magic guy?”
“I can perform a spell and use certain types of magic, but that doesn’t mean that I’m aware of and have extensive knowledge over every single magical item in existence.”
Jezebel holds the book up and thunder claps sound out of nowhere in the background. Badger turns and sees one of the cameramen waving a large metal card to make echoing thunder for dramatic effect. Jezebel laughs a typical evil laugh.
“BWAHAHAHA!!! Then let me show you its true power! Poke-mos, Vegi-tos, Ani-ME!”
The book shines with unreal lights and blinds everyone with its glory. The pages flip open and waves of energy pour out over the entire room. The light fades and the superheroes find themselves broken up in a large non-descript city of sorts.
Stupendous is the first to wake. He looks over himself and finds things have changed.
“Holy ***** on a ***** with **** sauce and a diet ****!! Look at how ripped I am!”
It was true. Stupendous was massively bulky to the point of being a superdeformed neanderthal. Badger gets up and finds himself mutated but not in the same way. His clothes had changed into a bright orange gi, and his hair was spikier than normal, at some points defying gravity to give the impression that he had set of blonde scimitars growing out of his head.
“What? This is bull-crap! I’m the one who knows Judo, I should have gotten the giant muscles.”
“True,” answers Stupendous, “But my muscles allow me to draw forth my energy and do this… HONNNNNOOOOOOLUUUUUULUUUUUUU!”
Stupendous screams and red hot energy bursts from his eyes ; not the anemic pinpoint lasers that he usually shoots, but giant energy waves large enough to destroy a city block. The beams hit the side of a building and explode with a non-descript sphere of explosion, that does in fact destroy an entire city block. Behind them they hear another loud shout.
Badger and Stupendous dive out of the way as a thunderbolt that seemed to have the face of a dragon barrels towards them. It crashes into the ground and explodes. The boys stand ready to fight and look up towards where the blast came from.
Time New Roman descends to the ground and hovers in mid-air like a badass. His armor is at least three times shiner then it was before, and now posses various superfluous additions like metal shoulder pads, giant spikes on the chest-plate over the nipples, and a black cape which flutters in the wind.
“So Captain Stupendous it seems you and I have gained the ability to charge up our powers by yelling Hawaiian words at the top of our lungs. Also, it appears I can fly. Let us fight in one on one combat.”
“Bring it on you Egyptian weirdo!”
Before TR could correct him, Stupendous yelled “HONNNNUUU!”, which I think means sea-turtle, and the red-energy blasts shot from his eyes. They both soared up into the air and began blasting each other. Badger looked around bored and disappointed that he had been left out. Another figure in an identical bright orange uniform jumps from the top of a rooftop.
“Perhaps I can keep you busy while they knock each other senseless.”
Badger sees Psyne wearing his identical outfit and equally ridiculous hair, and decides it was meant to be. He makes some overly elaborate and noisy martial arts motions then charges at Psyne.
Meanwhile, in another part of the city the two hero girls were just regaining consciousness. Blackhawk is the first to push herself off the ground. She looks around and finds the street empty save Trixie beside her. Then she looks at Trixie.
“Dammit! What happened to you?”
“What do you mean?” Trixie asks as she gradually stumbles her way up.
“Just look at yourself!”
Trixie looks and finds that her superheroine uniform has been replaced by a Japanese school-girl uniform, or what some pervert might imagine a Japanese school-girl uniform to look like. The skirt barely reaches mid-thigh and her bust has grown to what would in reality be a completely un-natural and unbalancing size and shape.
“Oh this is so awesome. It’s like that show, you know the one, fighting and justice, and protecting the moon, or something.”
“What are you talking about, you’re dressed like a sl*t!”
“Well so are you.”
Blackhawk looks down and finds that she’s in the exact same uniform save that one of the key accent colors had been changed.
“WHAT? Why am I in a freaking sailor girl uniform? And why has my hair grown down to a waist long ponytail, and why is it BLUE?!!!”
“Oh Blackhawk, you’re such a Tsundre…”
“I have no idea what that is, but if it means blue-haired skank I’m going to kick somebody’s ass!”
The wall of a building ruptures behind them; Badger and Psyne continue fighting as they demolish their surroundings and dash past the girls. The martial-arts maniacs jump across the walls like Hong-Kong stuntmen. They punch and kick with the speed and choreography that would in reality take a few sharp editing tricks and the suspension of disbelief as well as few laws of physics.
“So here’s what I don’t understand.” Badger says as he throws a mid-air ax kick towards Psyne.
“Uh-huh,” Psyne says as he dodges the kick by doing a flashy handstand flip.
“I understand why my fighting skills got better. But you’re a psychic, shouldn’t you have super-anime mindpowers?”
“Well,” Psyne says as he sends volleys of superspeed jabs at Badger, “Since I can read your mind, and you know martial arts, I guess that means I know your martial arts. I’m not saying it makes total sense, but that would be my guess.”
A sparkling, tiny, floating human being flutters around Psyne’s face. Its head is equal in size to the rest of its body and its eyes are like shiny dinner plates. If it was any sweeter you would get diabetes just by looking at it.
“Come on Psyne, we can beat him!”
“Not right now Karma, I’m busy.”
Karma flutters back in forth and waves her arms in comic desperation.
“But we aught to fight him together.”
“Karma, you’re a chibi now, and you couldn’t fight for sh*t when you were normal-lookin.”
“But Psyne, we have The Power of Friendship ™. With friendship on our side nothing can—Hey what are you doing????”
Psyne grabs Karma and hold her tight in one hand. With his other hand he produces a milk bottle and begins stuffing her inside. She screams and attempts to avoid her inevitable fate.
“Stop it! What are you doing? I’m not a freaking fairy you can’t just shove me in a jar, I’ll suffocate in here!”
“Don’t worry sweetheart I’ll poke some holes in the top… later…After the fight probably… just remind me.”
He pushes her in and screws the top of the jar on. Her screams are mute and only the sound of her tiny adorable fists can be heard as they bang against the glass. Psyne looks back up to Badger.
“Sorry about that. Where were we?”
“You were doing a speed volley, I blocked and escaped in a back-flip, and now I’m gonna do my—SUPER AWESOME PUNCH!”
Badger charges his opponent, his hand reeled back ready to strike. His fist begins to glow with energy and he throws his punch in Psyne’s general direction. Psyne gets blown back by the emanating shockwave. The jar containing his bottled girlfriend goes flying into the air and a look of adorable terror comes over her face.
Trixie and Blackhawk watch them fight. Blackhawk attempts to straighten out her mini-skirt but finds that if she tries to cover up more of her legs she is bound to show her midriff and/or butt cheeks. She mutters something about the Japanese being pervs.
“WELL WELL… ARE YOU GIRLS READY TO FIGHT THE KING OF ALL MONSTERS!!!”
They turn and see Wrassler and Madlibs standing behind them. Wrassler looks exactly the same, but madlibs is wearing a tuxedo and has changed his normal mask out for a white Phantom of the Opera style.
“Now this is more like it,” Trixie yells, “I was afraid we were going to be written out of this storyline like usual. In the name of the galaxy, we will stop you.”
“BWAHAHAHA!!!! GO, MEGA-ULTRA CHICKEN!!!!!”
Wrassler grew and burst out of his skin. He magnified in size and his muscles turned leathery. He continued growing until he stood at five stories tall and bright feathers formed a line across his spine. He opened his mouth and beat his chest with giant claws.
“Are you f*cking kidding me!” Blackhawk yells, “He can turn into a Wrassler-Zilla and all I get is blue hair! We have the exact same power set-up, it makes no sense! How the Hell are we going to stop him?”
At that exact moment the roar of an engine comes behind them. A slick motorcycle jumps a wheelie into the street and speeds towards the girls. It swerves in front of them then stops dead in front of Wrassler-Zilla. The driver is tall, wearing a dark black leather jacket, shiny leather pants, and a wicked awesome biker helmet. He pulls it off and reveals his gorgeous face.
“Wait a minute,” Trixie says, “Is that… Gadgeteer?”
Norman nods, his face no longer pale and pox marked, but flush and hot.
“Don’t worry about him girls. GO, ULTRA GUNDAM-BIG O-ZORD THINGY!”
His bike spontaneously transforms and grows into a giant fighting robot. The robot runs towards Wrassler-Zilla and punches it straight on the nose. Wrassler crys out then clumsily slaps the robot against its metal cheek. Gadgeteer’s robot stumbles backwards then dashes forwards to pound the monster again. They will continue doing this for some time so let’s leave them at it.
Back on the ground, Blackhawk and Trixie turn towards the man in the tuxedo. TR and Stupendous let off energy blasts a few feet above their head, lighting up the sky.
“So,” Blackhawk says, “I guess we’re both supposed to take you on then?”
“Ok then, Trixie on the count of three we rush in and—”
Madlibs touches a massive building behind him. The building begins to morph, it grows limbs, tentacles to be specific. Blackhawk stops dead when she sees them.
The tentacles scoop the girls up in the air. Madlibs watches non-chalantly from the ground. Blackhawk struggles wildly and begins ripping tentacles off one by one, but they keep growing back. Trixie bursts out laughing as the sensation of the slimey limbs tickles her for some reason as it takes her hostage. Blackhawk screams at the top of her lungs.
“I F**KING HATE ANIME!!!!!”
Doc and Jezebel sit at a massive table. The outline of the city map fills over the wide table. Jezebel lets out a laugh.
“This is where we end it all Assandra. This is wear I finally humiliate you. However, I am surprised that the book of Man-Ga has managed to make you look even more androgynous then before.”
Doc notices his hair is long and white, his face seems smeared with eyeliner and he’s wearing a long cloak with a fur-trim.
“Oh please Jez, like it’s my fault there aren’t any butch wizards in anime. At least I’m not wearing a porno School-Girl uniform. You look like you just escaped from a Halloween frat party.”
“It’s called fan-service Doc. Some guys actually like seeing half-naked women. But it doesn’t matter; I’m going to end our feud once and for all, proving my tactical genius in the most dangerous of all arenas… A children’s card game!”
Two decks of cards float down onto the table. Five vague creatures appear on Doc’s side of the board and five on Jezebel’s.
“For my first turn I will use my ‘Psychic-copycat’ to take the powers of your ‘Karate Jackass’. Next I activate my ‘Tuxedo MadLibs’ card’s special ability and search my deck for a random spell card.”
She pulls a random card from her deck then laughs like a maniac. Doc raises an eyebrow.
“I have no clue what the hell’s going on right now.”
“Shut up!” Jezebel yells, “For I will use my ‘Tender-Tentacle-Love’ spell to immobilize your two Sailor-Scouts!”
She slams the card down onto the table dramatically. On the representation of the city below massive tentacles burst out of a sky-scraper and begin to fondle two of Doc’s monsters. He looks back up at the laughing villain.
“Seriously, Jez, I have no clue what you're talking about.”
“Too bad, because I’m not explaining the rules, now make your move!!!”
Posted 04 April 2011 - 09:12 AM
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