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Let's Play! Romancing Walker

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#21 Sir Exal

Sir Exal

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Posted 11 April 2010 - 05:47 PM

Part the Eighth: Long Time No Scene

So, the group broke, going to head back to Volcana to inform the people that there is nothing to worry about and to return to their homes. He loved Big Brother.

So I’ll just head south outta town and…

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Oh, the hell!?

Seems that it’s still night. I’ll have to go back to the room to get to the morning…but first, we have girls to chat up. Sounds like a nice midnight activity after laying siege to the biggest castle in the world. Fina first, as she stands nearby, pondering how large she’s gotten all of a sudden.

Fina: !! Ryle!

Ryle: Fina…?


Ryle: …?

Flare uses punctuation like a army general uses artillery fire--way too much and all over the place.

Fina reveals that her stupid, suicidal plan was in fact a stupid, suicidal plan, in that she didn’t know if the HOLY attributed Victory Blaster would actually work against the Monster Cells, in that they might have had HOLY resistance or something. She says she was putting her teammates’ lives at risk, completely forgetting her own ass was on the line as well. The option pops up.

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She’s, of course, completely correct, but I should cheer her up, and besides, her theme music is really cool. So, well, “That girl ain’t right.”

Ryle: Let say the move didn’t work, you still have the Rune Disaster to fall back on.

Fina is somehow not creeped out by Ryle’s remembrance of her sword‘s name. Seriously, did anyone else remember that detail.

Ryle: Even Caris agreed on your plan, that means she and others trusted in your abilities, and not the move. She followed your plan because it was the best one we got, not for some move she has no ideal of. And your plan was a success, Factoria now is the proof.

Your plan was the best and only plan we had, so…cheer up?

Fina: …Thanks. I feel much better now.

Ryle: I expect you to do much better next time.

“Next time, I want to see at least one person killed.”

Fina: Hey- I’m NOT a military advisor you know!

Damn it, Jim, I’m a messiah, not a military advisor!

Ryle: Just try your best. That’s all.

Fina: You bet I will! I’m gonna go back to sleep. Good night Ryle.

Ryle: Good night…

Fina leaves just before Ryle’s insanity pops back up as he gibbers, “Back to city.” I appease the madman, and find Orubia loitering around the town square.

Ryle: Yo! Taking a night walk? Orubia.

Yeah, that question mark looks good there.

Orubia: Oh! Dear……Ryle.

We’ll run out of periods after too much of this! Orubia says I’m still technically a prince, to which Ryle points out he was bodily removed from that position. Orubia is still unsure, so I’m given the choice to yell at her or merely talk to her like she’s a child.

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I’m always one to patronize, so…

Ryle: You didn’t hear me?

Orbuia: Eh? Like I said, the king tricked the bishop to let you escape the castle.

King trick bishop4...

Ryle: Then I said, “My name is Ryle Lastor! What I am now is the real me!”

Orubia: Oh, yes…you did.

Obviously, Orubia zoned out during all that twisting plot too.

Ryle: Maybe I am a prince after all…but I am also me, who has been living in Lavas for so long. That’s why the place has been, is, and will be my home no matter what…

Orubia: I-I thought you would remain as the prince for good. And we’ll go separate…

“And I was so looking forward to never seeing you again…”

Orubia: But you will always be Ryle Lastor of Lavas Ville!

Yes, yes, that’s been fully established. Orubia wishes they could always be together, Ryle’s happy, she goes back to her room. Hayami, you got anything more interesting?

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…I didn’t think so.

Hayami wonders why Ryle’s so willing to risk his life--repeatedly--for others, and since “I have a death wish” isn’t an option, the options are basically, “Nobody cares about me,” and “Powah of frendship!” The hint says “If you are aiming Hayami, try to think how a person could help/save friends.” Try, anyway; if you’re playing this game, you probably don’t have much brainpower. As I‘d rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy goth kid, I opt for the second answer.

Ryle: But if you look out for yourself first, there’s no way you can dare to help others!

Self-preservation! Who needs it?

Hayami: In the worst case scenario, we might all die for that!

“I didn’t think of that…sweet!”

Ryle: I know.

Harrison Ford, Ryle is not.

Ryle: We already went thru the same kind of situation back at the castle. I also know it’s really difficult to save others for real…than just saying mere words…But when you know you can help, you just have to do it…Especially when your friends need you…

Seriously, Ryle, full stop. Just once.

Hayami: Ryle Dono…(Just as I suspected, you have the potential to be a good king.)

Or, possibly, a mental patient.

Ryle: We helped out the King, the Prince, and even White Ninjas! Don’t you just feel terrific!?


Hayami: Yes it's wonderful feeling indeed...Sessha on the other hand, rather think the meeting with you is...

Ryle: Huh?

Hayami: Ah! What is Sessha saying?! Please excuse Sessha!

HA! Caught you! It should have been “What AM Sessha saying,” not “is!” I finally caught you! And…holy crud, talk about your hollow victory.

Hayami runs off and crashes into a wall, because we just haven’t had enough slapstick yet. If we had a laugh track, it’d be in stitches.

I advance to the next morning, and go back through Lilth Woods to the boat to Volcana, because godammit, I just haven’t gotten enough of that!!

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“I’m here too, sir.”

After another round of congratulatory backslapping, Ryle and Brad point out that getting everyone in trouble was his fault for that good old Southern Cray incident which wasn’t really mentioned. Like, at all. But, as we perhaps should have known, IT WAS A TRAP!

Ryle: It was in what the King said. “Xaktor told me my second son would eventually come here.”

To sum up, the king set the trap in Southern Cray to get the attention of the kid in Lavas Ville so he’d come to the castle, fight the fake defenses in the castle just so Xaktor could tell him and then kill him personally, even though to get to that point, he’d have to defeat the Soul Eater, who had had the exact same power that Xaktor himself had. GodDAMN. Let’s just go to Lavas and deny any of this ever happened.

Ryle goes off by himself, intent not to risk anyone else’s life…in the most emo way possible.

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How could this happen to me? I made my mistakes… Actually, similar music is playing. Yeah, worse, except for the whole, “releasing the land from the grip of a tyrant” and all that rot, right? Ryle heads to the inn and grabs a room to angst in alone.

Ryle: No matter how hard I try to avoid, someone will end up getting into troubles because of me… What am I supposed to do…? I can’t keep the promise with Prince Dyss if I don’t fix the problem.

How could this happen to me?

During the night (you can tell because of the teal filter) someone knocks on the door.

Ryle: Mm? Who is it?

????: It’s ME…

Ask Ashley?

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No, it’s whichever of the three hometown girls Ryle’s affection is highest with, which happens to be Orubia on this play-through. Somehow.

Orubia: Whew…I thought you went off to somewhere again like last time.

Obviously, I should have, but…

Ryle: What do you want?

Ryle tells her to get out, Elaine-style.

Orubia: I can’t!!! We always shared our tears together, don’t you remember? Dear Ryle… I don’t know how others would feel, but I don’t mind at all you know.

I’m vapid and bland like that.

Orubia: See, we have been close for so long that I have become more like you.

Truly a fate worse than death.

Really, Orubia doesn’t say anything here that she hasn’t said before; everyone fought, yes, but it was only because of Ryle’s leadership they were willing to. And yeah, he’s caused problems, but solved them as well, and a nil game is as good as a win, right?

Y’know, this is almost precisely the same thing Ryle was saying to Hayami earlier in this post. Amazaing how quickly he forgets. Ryle is reassured, the crest of friendship glows, and Gabumon digivolves--wait.

Ryle: Perhaps you ARE the missing part of me…

Unless, of course, I go with some other girl by the end of the game. Orubia gets embarrassed and runs off, but not before yelling…

Orubia: Bakka! (complex meaning)

…I have no words, that’s all I can say about that. Orubia’s attraction is at 23, I go back to bed, and we hope to be getting on with this game.

Next day, Ryle’s party left Volcana and returned to their hometown.” Oh thank all that is holy, I don’t have to walk there. Ryle is pleased to be home, and decides to kill some time and a few more brain cells.

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Nothing really seems to be happening around town; Hayami, intensely staring at a cat, says that it could become a Shirasoni, which the game translates not a the San Volcana treat, but as “ninja cat.” I’m fairly sure that’s a little off. Fina is apparently staying at Orubia’s for the duration, and when Ryle asks her if she’s good at cooking, she angrily reassures him that she was an ordinary girl 2 years ago.

Ryle: (Ordinary girl = Good at cooking, does it have to be this way?)

Fina: Didn’t mean to show off, but I do have a chef’s license.

…I don’t think Flare knows what it actually takes to get a chef’s license.

Ryle: You do!? This means no more Caris’ “killer” cuisine?

Wacky music starts up. Fina’s surprised, but as Ryle says…

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Fina: A tummy knocker… but why the legendary? Don’t tell me she’ll put “funny” stuff in your food if you cross her ways

Tummy--what? Do you mean--no, I have no idea what you mean. Have any of my international readers heard of such an absurd term?

Ryle: No- not at all! She likes to let it out on your face when she’s mad.

Ewwww. Okay, long skit short, Caris once brought more cooking back to Ryle to apologize for being angry at him. You’re given a choice to say what you did with the apology food, and we are nothing but polite, so we tried to eat it. And passed out after a few seconds. It was her first time cooking, it seems. The jokes actually aren’t bad.

Fina: But you see, in more positive way of thinking, now you are immuned to food poisoning!

Ryle: I don’t want it!

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Oh, Ryle, what have you gotten into this time? Her attraction goes up by 2. No one else says anything of consequence, so I look in my mailbox. “Big Spiders live in here.” I enter a fight with Monstrous Spiders for some damn reason, with a horribly comped horizon. Oh, lord, that poor horizon! Cut down in its prime! I guess the postman always…leaves spiders twice. When I defeat them, Ryle mutters “How do they fit in there” and Flare needs to stop doing my job for me. I go to bed, exhausted from the inane conversations I’ve had.

But no sooner do I wake up that a dragon wanders into the room. Oh, hurrah! Now I can build a prosthetic tail for him and go on a delightful animated adventure!

Dragon: Garr! (Roars)

Thanks for the elaboration, by the way. The noise and the Garr! just didn’t make the roaring clear.

Ryle walks over and is completely non-amazed to find out it’s the mail dragon. Hmmm. The dragon gives a letter to Ryle, probably because the mailbox is infested with Monstrous Spiders, and leaves with one last “Garr! (Roars)”

Ryle: !! D…Dyss La Factoria!

That was fast. Those are like E-mail dragons.

“Dear Ryle Lastor…

Thank you again for saving our Factoria from evil control and the words alone are not enough… I want to meet you and discuss on an urgent case. I already set up the place for out meeting at Southern Cray on xxday noon. Hope to see you and your friends there and please come it’s getting harder to see you on public. Then I am looking forward to seeing you there.


Dyss La Factoria

Dictated but not read. Obviously. And xxday? Really? Didn’t want to use actual days but sure as hell didn’t want to think of anything else?

Okay, whatever. I assemble the girls for yet another scene, where they eventually realize that something’s wrong--Southern Cray is only reachable by a small boat like Ryle’s, as larger boats such as the ones Factoria has can’t go in the small channels, which was why Volcana was so safe. (No it wasn’t!) It’d take a month to sail to Southern Cray using the oceans. There’s no way the Prince should be able to get there on time! Dun dun DUN! Except, of course, we can move there in mere minutes game time, so we have no way to tell. But who cares, let’s march right in to this obvious trap. Hayami and Fina, you’re with me because I can’t stand those other three anymore.

#22 Sir Exal

Sir Exal

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Posted 11 April 2010 - 05:48 PM

We hotfoot it to Southern Cray, but a guard blocks the way.

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“Kindly sleep on the street today.”

Ryle: I was invited by Prince Dyss. Ryle Lastor is her by requesting a meeting with His Majesty.

You’re assuming a lot, Ryle, mainly that you won’t be laughed out of town.

Guard: Ohh, I see! Please come this way!

Ryle is the king of subtly traveling.

Dyss invites us to sit in his hotel room, but I guess we’ll stand. Ryle asks how he got to Southern Cray, and he replies that he took a horse to Dual West, then a private boat, which is the really freakin’ obvious answer. This makes that whole previous scene, once again, completely pointless.

Ryle: Private boat I see… Which reminds me, I also have one like that.

He knows that doesn’t have much to do with anything, but he just likes bragging.

Dyss: That boat helped to save our kingdom, if I’m correct.

“Yeah, it’s a great boat. Do you wanna see pictures of it? This one was when I first got it, this one was on our trip to Paris, this one…”

Dyss: One of the reasons which I came here was to help and comfort those victims’ family.

Just an orgy of non-sequiturs, this conversation.

Ryle: Then what is the reason for our meeting?

Dyss: …It’s about Xaktor…

Ryle: Xaktor?!

“It’s a really silly name, that.”

Dyss: He was given orders by someone. So it’s not over yet.

Ryle: ?!

Fina: That can’t be!

Hayami: How could it possible?

Well, you see, people can say things to transmit ideas and plans. Someone was, if you will, “speaking” to Xaktor and tell him what to “do.”

Ryle: The real boss behind Xaktor… (Only a few people in upper class are possibly related to Xaktor.) … Oh! *Looking to Dyss*

“No, not me, you idiot.” Ryle has come to a realization that he doesn’t share with the rest of the class, and then asks Dyss if he’s sure about his unspoken suspicion. Dyss confirms the apparently pantomimed accusation.

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What do chancellors DO anyway? Their sole purpose seems to be to overthrow the king.

Dyss: That person also introduced Xaktor to us. The king and I didn’t have the slightest doubt because of it was recommended from that person.

“That, and I was, like, three if you‘ll remember the plot thus far, god knows I haven‘t.”

Fina finally gets fed up and demands to know who the bloody hell they’re talking about. Hayami just mutters, “But it can’t be,” once again showing more knowledge of politics than should be possible. She’d make a great paparazzo.

Ryle: I want you to go to the desert town to south called Cellen in secret, and find out what that person was doing there.

What is it called openly, then? Dyss says he’d send guards, but they’re apparently all tied up in the restoration of the clearly devastated country. Not to mention he can’t go.

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Now stop that! Tell us or don’t, but don’t dodge around it like a drunk in a minefield!

Ryle agrees after a bit more flattery, but points out they can’t get to there from here. Dyss can’t help them personally for regal reasons, but pledges to work through Gohu. Somehow. He’ll meet them in Lavas.

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I return to Lavas once again. “Ryle & Others met at Caris’ house to discuss the mission from Prince Dyss.”

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This might have been an aborted pun of some kind. Caris realizes her insensitivity and apologizes, but Ryle wasn’t listening and now Caris is angry he wasn’t listening and she “apologyzed” for nothing and Ryle doesn’t get it and aaaaarrrgh.

They realize that they can’t get there from here, and they don’t want to rely completely on the ninjas, so their best idea is to remodel Ryle’s boat, which Ryle says he can’t do in such short time, but everyone likes the idea and Ryle says to remodel a boat to a ship it’d take 3 weeks but Caris just tells him to work ”MORE harder” and Ryle’s being pressured and arrrr--

Fina: I can’t…

What’s this?

Fina: I can’t ride on a ship~!! Small boats are okay but not big ships!

Caris: Ehh~? Fina gets sea sick?

Fina: Not just a regular one… A “HYPER! SEA SICK“!!

Boy, the syntax on that was ridiculous. Bah, you think the hyper sea sick is bad, wait for the hyper gonorrhea. They have an extended conversation about Fina’s seasickness, and when Fina says that it is a match for any anachronistic motion sickness medication Orubia can come up with…

Ryle: YOU…

Caris: THINK…

Orubia: THAT’S…

Ryle & Caris & Orubia: FUNNY-?!!!

I can safely say no one does.

Fina: Wahh! Don’t ganged up on me~~~

Man, voice acting woulda been hilarious here. With that, they completely forget about it, and Ryle says that he is doing his requested task without pay or anything, so anyone can duck out now if they want to. For some strange reason, no one leaps at this chance to get out with their reputations semi-intact, and in fact think he’s sneaking off again. Ryle corrects them, saying he isn’t refusing anyone and would be “grateful” if they came, but is giving them an out. Brad speaks up for hopefully the last time.

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Well, everyone IS girl. Brad discourages them from going, but Caris refutes him and threatens to use Heat Ray on her father. Domestic disputes in Ernest must be very interesting.

Brad: Stupid daughter! You might be putting your neck into anothere huge case here!!

Mr. Malaprop, party of one…

Latyss: Mr. Burnfist, I also don’t see why you disagree for this time.

Brad: Don’t need to. Cause you won’t join the mission anyway!

…For god’s sake, she’s nowhere close to his daughter and probably OLDER than he is. And magic always beats fighters. This stupidity shocks even Hayami and Fina.

They argue a little more, then the conversation is aborted again and Fina asks who the hell it is they’re investigating.

Ryle: I can’t tell that now! If you know the name of this person, you have to be on the case.

Gah! Tell us already! This is not suspense, it’s just stupidity!!

Brad: That’s right! You girls don’t need to hear it! Let Ryle handle the matter.

He’s such a loveable little misogynist. Even Orubia’s getting peeved at this point. Doesn’t he know never to split the party? This actually reeks of railroading by that incompetent DM from earlier. Fina actually agrees with him, the slave to the DM.

Caris: I respected you in the battle back at the capital, but now it’s falling rapidly, you know!

Hayami and Latyss, being the sorta-adults here, also agree, given this is a secret mission and perhaps we shouldn’t have a rainbow-haired conga line behind me when we go to covertly investigate. Ryle thinks about going alone, but Latyss tells him it would be a “bad memory.”

The conversation is once AGAIN aborted when Fina, from out of the blue, suggests taking them to her mother’s house. Brad, ever two steps behind, asks why.

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“I want to show her that I finally have friends that aren’t imaginary!”

Fina: Compared to Ryle’s mission, it’s 2000% safer!

Reaching critical mass of safety…please evacuate... Ryle decides that’s the best course of action

Ryle: Fina…Please take care of them.

Fina: I am not that OLD to be their legal guardian!

People keep being offended by stuff I didn’t say, this is--what did you say about my mother?! With that, somehow, settling things, the screen fades out and Ryle mysteriously wakes up in his room, in a pile of somebody else’s vomit. Christ, that was a long scene.

Nothing interesting around town, so I guess it’s time to make a mountain out of a molehill, or a large boat out of a tiny one. Ryle holds out little hope. After investigating in a fadeout, he still has little hope.

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Ryle: The bottom line is… I don’t know where to startttt!!

The Home Depot, perhaps?

Ryle: Um, there’s a boat making manual or something like that in my bookshelves?

You tell me, kid. He decides to return home, praying he didn’t throw out that Time-Life construction 20-book set. After a brief, dull series of lines, (Bookworms! Dust! Pratfalls!) he finds the book in question. Boat Maker Uses: Reference manuel for upgrading boats. Good Christ, that’s convenient.

I return to the boat, ready to pimp the damn thing.

Ryle: Actually, I’ve been going back and fourth since I built the thing!! And end up back in Lavas…

FINALLY, someone points that out. I’d be scared, Flare, your characters might revolt. Ryle works again, but…

Ryle: Dope! Not enough materiels…

Dope! Of course, that’s the answer! Flare was on drugs! I head back to town again, and talk to Latyss, who, with mystical Elf perception, can tell I’m having trouble. What’s that? We’ve already had way too many scenes this chapter, but there is NO god of mercy, so…

Ryle: Of course! No one’s around to give me hands, no supplies, and not enough of time!

Ryle completely ignores the cut-down logs in front of Caris’s house.

Latyss: Forget about the labor force and time, how will you get the goods and supplies you need for the boat?

Just hire illegals, that takes care of the first two.

Ryle: Body work is made of woods so can’t last long with salt water, also a “Shock” needed for minimum shaking. Replacing the hull with metal plates not only takes time but I also can’t afford the cost.

…I don’t think Flare has ever even SEEN a boat. I especially like the implication that no seafaring boat has ever been made of wood.

Latyss and Ryle sum up they need to rebuild the hull and propulsion system…this is going beyond upgrade and going into tear-down build-up. This is like upgrading to Ubuntu from Mac OS 8. They need a light-weight metal to both be sturdy on the hull and light to float--okay, stop right there.

Boats float because they’re shaped right and mostly empty, not because the steel used to build them is particularly lightweight. This seems to imply that no boat could ever sail on the ocean! Yeah, all boats were wood in the middle ages, but that’s more of the limits of the forging technology than anything else. Gah!!

Latyss has an idea to solve this ridiculous non-problem--for god’s sake, people have sailed the ocean on RAFTS! Those didn’t warp or anything.

Okay, sorry, I’m done. Latyss has an idea to solve the problem--mythril “El Metal.”

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Latyss: It’s not as strong as steels but can absorb shocks well, and it’s light as woods.

But, naturally, you can only get it in…

Latyss: The land of elves, Elzcrown, if you can reach the place…

Ryle: Elves?! You’re saying that metal is refined by the elves?!

Yes, I did say precisely that.


Ryle: (That’s right…Latyss hates the other elves for making her a laughing stock…) Latyss, just tell me the location, I can go by myself.

Where I will be immediately killed and my head put on a pike. Latyss says no, but can’t stop him, and Fina runs in, refusing to let another scene go on without her. Fina points out that without the boat, she can’t go home or take the other girls. She apparently stowed away on a royal vessel to get here, then immediately changes her mind and says she used fake tickets. Whatever. She points out no one was listening to such a minor character as Brad (he doesn’t even have a picture, for god’s sake!) and besides, he’s a little “out of sense.”

Ryle: Out of sense?

Ryle’s apparently never heard such an odd phrase either.

Fina: I can’t pinpoint why exactly, but his attitudes so far have been little out of the place.

He’s a misogynist, you’re in a middle-ages type universe. It was the style at the time.

Ryle: You’re suspicious about Shisho!?

Fina: Whenever Ryle stirred up a case, and even when everything turned out fine, he always said like this, “Don’t act recklessly!”, “Don’t get everyone involved!!” At first, I thought he said those being concerned about our safety and as your mentor as well…

“But then I saw an episode of CSI where the guy who acted like that was the murderer, and I was like, GASP!” She points out that Brad tried to stop everyone from doing a Royal order, including Hayami and Fina, who are a highly trained “ninja” and a “Descendant of Savior,” and he doesn’t even know them! Ryle asks if she suspects Brad’s a spy for “the person we’re supposed to investigate.”

Fina: Of course there’s no hard evidence. However…it doesn’t mean my suspicion is total nonsense.

No, being in this game does that. Ryle points out the guy trained him, which stops her for some reason, because there’s no possibility he became a spy later. Ryle necrotizes the other conversation, and Latyss agrees to tell him as long as she goes with him. Ryle agrees, and Elzcrown is of course in the one spot that I haven’t gone yet, through the Lite Gryn forest. He decides to bring one other person with him. With a bounty of traps in the forest, Latyss suggests Hayami or Orubia, as she spontaneously learned an attack to disable magical traps. Latyss ignores the fact Fina is standing RIGHT THERE.

And now, a message from Preshes.

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Oh, thank goodness, this part is over and I get to go back to the comparatively thrilling world of turn-based battles. Any suggestions as to who else to bring with me as I descend into the elven wasteland?

NEXT TIME: Elfland, elfland, dear girl and girl and myself land…

#23 Sir Exal

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Posted 22 April 2010 - 04:54 PM

Part the Ninth: Babes in Elfland

I know you’re out there, readers, photobucket tells me so. Ah well, no real harm as long as you’re enjoying it. Orubia’s actually a good idea; she does have something of a monopoly on dull motivational speeches. Before we leave, let’s check it on Hayami.

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Well, drat. It seems all that mind-blowingly dull dialogue in the last chapter broke Hayami’s mind. Now she can barely finish a sentence. Poor girl. You’re fine, right Orubia?

Orubia: I just heard from Sis Fina. Let me know if you need hands.

Close enough, I suppose. Latyss and Ryle head off to the elven village, and Orubia stumbles behind, talking to rocks and tripping over things that aren’t there.

You know the drill, kiddies; to the boat, across the water, past Dual West (almost certainly the last time I have to mention it! Yes!), into the Lilith Woods. I’ve taken this trip so many times I’m qualifying for frequent traveler miles. But this time I turn south and find the Lite Gryn Forest, with ½ the sugar and calories of a normal forest, with none of the cholesterol and a horrible, horrible aftertaste!

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Hm, just a second, there seems to be a smudge on my monitor…Oh, never mind, there’s apparently a misty filter over the forest. Either that or my cataracts are acting up again. The path through the forest meanders back and forth uneventfully for a while, but there not being any dialogue is kinda a relief. Oh, look, a treasure--

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Hmm. A mimic. With the default monster sprite. Well that’s pretty dumb. It’s…

Who cares, it’s not another pointless scene!

The Mimic falls quickly under Orubia’s light-based tech, and actually, there’s nothing tough about any of the enemies in here, as long as Orubia keeps everyone healthy. Except maybe that they’re hard to look at. Yeesh.

The air gets even foggier without getting warmer, surprising Ryle, who has an surprisingly good knowledge of meteorology. Latyss explains, sort of.

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Ryle: “Real” entrance?

Latyss: Elves tend to isolate themselves away from the rest of world, since they don’t like humans intruding.

With their oppressive “proper articles.”

Ryle: I see, so these fog are made by elves then.

“Or, rather, I don’t see…that’s kinda the point of these fog, I guess…”

Latyss: Only an elf can undo this with the Elemental Spells. I’ll start contacting with the elementals and it requires total silence, so stay back…

Oh, silence, thank god. Latyss goes into avatar-state again.

Latyss: Spirit of nature, the Elementals. I am whom walking the same path as the mother nature… Earth, Wind, Fire, and Water.


Latyss: Show me the WAY!!

I never thought I’d malign Slayers, but the idea that if I went back in time and stopped it from existing, that this might not exist…it’s tempting, it’s tempting. The Mist, naturally, clears., but only after the shocker ending.

Latyss: …Whew. The woods accepted me.

Of course they did, they’re trees! They’re all accepting! Except for the white birch, it’s a racist dick.

Latyss: But the others won’t accept me as same.

Ryle: Latyss…

Latyss: Wh, what is it?

HA! The discrimination’s on the other foot now, huh?

Ryle: When they say bad things about you, remember, we’re on your side.

If they start a lynch mob, though, we are GONE.

Orubia: Sis Latyss…

Latyss: …Thank you…

Ryle: Alrighty then! Let’s go!!

“I wish I had never shown you Ace Ventura.”

We wander further through the forest and Latyss gets a boomerang, which is weaker than her bowgun but allows her to attack all enemies at once, somewhat counterbalancing its uselessne--IT’S A TRAP!

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No, Orubia isn’t really a boy, but a magical trap popped up and the voice of Jehovah informs me that “Orubia successfully undo the spell” sparing me quite a few wounds. Didn’t save me from that 50 damage chest trap from earlier in the forest, however.

After defeating a second mimic, I receive a Love Potion #9, and if you get that reference, congratulations, you are as old as my mother. It raises attraction for one girl. But you don’t learn anything, so it’s not really worth it, is it?

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Finally, we reach Elzcrown. Idyllic little place, isn’t it? Very surprisingly, there are no guards and apparently no one around to accost me, so I run around the hidden Shangri-La as if I own the place. Elves, they like their days quiet and their hidden cities almost completely unpopulated.

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Actually, I understand the “produce stand” school of interior design is gaining speed in L.A. These elves seem very blasé about a human’s entrance into their hidden haven, but I guess if they don’t care, there’s no particular reason I should either. Every elf, really, is just all “Go away,” but even the leader of the village doesn’t do anything about it. Elves are the laziest race ever.

After wandering pointlessly for a while, I enter one house with a door that was very hard to find, being stage down, and a teal-haired elf scoffs at me.

????: What are a low-class creature like humans doing here? *smirks*

Latyss: You just never change. Dierro…

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You know, call me crazy, but I’m not sure we’re supposed to like this character. Latyss is openly hostile, and Ryle says he’s never seen her this emotional. Dierro, of course, throws another insult at humans.

Ryle: (What a JERK!)

Why, I bet we’re not supposed to like him at all! Latyss says her business in Elzcrown isn’t with him.

Dierro: Oh really? You think you can freely roam around without my permission?

Frankly, yes! It’s what we’ve been doing!

Latyss: …*Clinches teeth*

And a playoff berth. Ryle decides to change the subject, suddenly becoming moderately tactful.

Ryle: Excuse me, we didn’t come here to bother anyone.

But it’s a fun bonus!

Ryle: We are just looking for information on El Metals. If you could be in generous…

Why, yes, I will be quite ingenerous. Thank you for the permission.

Dierro: So, Latyss, what’s your answer.


Ryle: (Hey!?)

Latyss: What you want?

You know I got it. What you need…

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Well, as you’ve done absolutely nothing civil since I got here, and this village is so sparsely populated, no one would hear your screams, I’m gonna say…no.

Dierro insults us again, then hits Ryle with a lightning bolt and threatens to kill use low-class creatures (you say that too much…). Latyss responds with her own magic, but he deflects it. DUN DUN DUN!! Latyss is amazed that anyone could deflect the second spell a 11th level mage could use.

Dierro: My dear Latyss… Did you think that low-level magic of yours can possibly scarch my cloth?

But Latyss gets an idea…1 on 1 combat with the person who just magically bitchslapped her. Dierro points out he has the full advantage at present, but Latyss panders to his evil pride, naturally. He’s not scared of humans, is he? Besides, Ryle probably won’t be killed anyway. Ryle points out gameplay and story isn’t completely segregated, and one spell probably won’t kill him, and he asks if he can “Shut him off now.“ Latyss jokingly agrees.

Orubia: What do you mean by “Shutting him off?”

Orubia’s the only one here with any brains.

Dierro agrees, as he must (narrative, not any reason given), and we head out, after Latyss states she’s just happy he’s such a dick now she feels no trouble with kicking his ass. “He’s like an elf version of Xaktor,” says Ryle, because he has not gotten out much.

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When I attempt to run, Latyss stops me, saying she wants to go to the immediate west of the town, which I unexplainably couldn’t before, to someplace called “Elven Tri.” I get a very odd choice, and I guess the one without the silly sweatdrop icon is the right one.

Ryle: You need to train your magic…is he that strong?

Latyss: I haven’t seen his ace card yet, so I don’t know.

“And what little I’ve seen could kick my ass, so…”

Ryle: You challenged him 1 on 1 because there was a sure chance of winning, right?

“No, I challenged him 1 on 1 to keep your ass from being fricasseed, you moron!”

Latyss: Or maybe I was influenced by your personality.

Ryle: Ouch! You sure know where to poke.

Latyss: *chuckle*

No, I think Latyss has a point here. Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to be serious here for a moment. I think, whenever we’re faced with a crisis, all we need to do is think of that one question. What would Ryle do? What WOULD Ryle do, ladies and gentlemen? Probably the most…suicidal course of action imaginable. And ladies and gentlemen, isn’t that just how we should live our lives.

#24 Sir Exal

Sir Exal

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Posted 22 April 2010 - 04:54 PM

So, as we head to the “Elven Tri.” (Tri-what? Tricycle? Triangle? Triage?)

Ryle: Are you going in alone?

Latyss: As long as the “1P” is not goofing around, I’ll be fine.

…You watch yourself, elf.

Ryle: You sure have become more…chatterish.

That’s one word ClockWords isn’t gonna accept.

Latyss: All thanks to you know who.

That doesn’t work when you’re talking to the “you know who” in question.

Ryle: Am I that chatterish?


Latyss enters Elven Tri, which is apparently…what, a series of hallways? Apparently Ryle’s insanity is rubbing off as well, as Latyss explains to herself that I need to find 5 force emblems in the Tri whilst fighting monsters. If I leave the area, I have to start over again. I am, somehow, given the chance to respond to this.

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But it’s less meaningful than a choice in Golden Sun 2, as either one causes her to say…

Latyss: Don’t kill the messenger here. Complain to the “author”. And since you were rude to me, you better be careful walking alone in back ally…like TONIGHT.

Take that. Roll it around in your mouth. Reflect on the stupidity and pointlessness of it. Let it dance on your palate. Christ, I’m beginning to hate this game.

Latyss: And one more thing, SAVE the game often because you don’t know when you might get killed. It’ll be too late to regret.

It’s never too late to regret, Latyss.

South, I find a “bottomless pit“, but can’t cross it, of course. Going all smurfy apparently leaves her body behind and there are monsters about.

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The monsters would be nothing with a full party, but are pretty strong with just Latyss around. Fortunately, they’re programmed only to attack half the time. And they’re weak to both elements Latyss can use. Hmmm.

Okay then, fast forward as I run around the Tri, finding the McGuffins of the moment: the Wind’s Wisdom, the Wind’s Path, and…a girl in a box. Or boy. Something in a box.

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Latyss realizes this is the Wind Elemental, who explained an elf threatened to seal her in there forever if she didn’t lend her power to him.

Now, earlier in the thread, I referred to the elementals as Efreet, Gnome, Undine, and Zeppo. This was, obviously, incorrect. I apologize for my mistake. Thanks to those who pointed it out. The four elemental spirits are, of course, Efreet, Gnome, Undine, and Ringo.

Latyss realizes Dierro was the one to force her to give him Ringo’s power, so she tells her she’s just going to take him out, invites her to vulcan mind-meld her to prove she isn’t lying. She goes blue once again.

Ringo: You’d better not trick me again like that guy!

Latyss: Don’t worry. “Contact” cannot harm the Elementals like yourself.

Oh. Then what bad sci-fi movies will harm the elementals?

Ringo: Let me see through your memory then … … … Dierro!? That’s him! He’s the one who sealed me!

But could you identify him in a lineup?

Latyss: I just knew it…he’s the only elf I know who would treat the Elementals like this!

Flare certainly wants us to hate this character a lot, considering we’ve just met the guy.

Sylph: Miss! You were banished from the village because of that Dierro guy?

Latyss: !! I guess I exposed my past too much.

Pardon, madam, but your past is showing. So Syl--er, Ringo decides to join us for the time being so she can pummel Dierro just for thinking about it. Latyss completes “contact” with Ringo, she gets 1500 experience points and three new moves in the bargain. Her new moves defeat the ghosts up there in one hit, so now it’s a...breeze? Haha!

I use Sylph to get “Wind’s Pride,” use that to open a path, grab another couple Egg MacGuffins for the road, use my new wind power to get over the pit, and nab all 5 items. Whoo! Where’s the exit?

…Folks, I regret to inform you by looking at the inventory screen, I know what the Elven Tri means. Each of the things I just collected are described as “Elven Tri “Force Emblems.”” Now say that out loud. …Uh-huh. Now put the gun to your head….

Upon leaving, each of the Tri Force Emblems (GET IT) turn into special equipment, and Latyss becomes an “E. Summoner.” Good thing too, or else we never woulda known what she was.

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TEST. YOUR MIGHT. Dundun dundun dundun dundun dah dah.

Dierro: Hoh?

He turned into Sakura!

Dierro: You look very confident eh? I won’t mind if you need more time.

Latyss: Didn’t I say, “I will decide when to fight?”

Well, yes, but you appear to be putting yourself at a disadvantage here…

Dierro: Fine then…*shrug* Frankly I didn’t expect you to be mine SO soon.

The emphasis is odder than a comic book’s. We appear outside and have a good old fashioned yelling match, but Latyss is calm and confident.

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“Assuming you couldn’t beat either her or me first!!” Some absurd plot device is up to prevent Orubia and Latyss from interfering, blah blah blah FIGHT!

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One of my favorite lines from the intro argument.

Sylph: Then you didn’t have to rely on me! Sipping my power and made me stuck in that box in return.

Dierro: Because you are weak! I have the right to use you as a tool! And you can never get away from my grasp!

Uh, already done there, chief. Y’know, he’s supposed to be evil, but it’s just coming off as ridiculous.

Sylph: Not a chance. Beh~~

Latyss: I better stop him now before he goes berserk!

Unsurprisingly, halfway through the battle, it’s interrupted for Ringo to reveal the horrifying fact he has other elementals under his control. Somehow.

Latyss: Dierro! You just never stop abusing others!!

Dierro: Too late to realize that!!! Heh heh heh! I can see you now becomming my slave!

Latyss: He’s absorbing everything and turning them into his own power… His heart is full of dark power!!

And his center is full of creamy nougat! Sylph tries to contact the spirits Dierro’s using, to get them to stop, despite the fact if they’re stronger than Sylph is, she’ll be destroyed (but to be fair, I was doing fine before). I kill four turns waiting, and then…

Sylph: Gnome (Nom)!!

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Gnome nom nom. After a pointless “comedy” scene, he leaves Dierro and comes to me. The music gets pretty damn kick-ass. Dierro stupidly threatens us again, despite the fact we’ve taken away his main weapon.

Latyss: Because of people like YOU, we elves can’t get along with others!

Yes, it is clearly all his fault.

Latyss: One must help and rely on each other, in order to live!

Everybody needs somebody…sometimes… More fighting, until, for the fourth time, this battle is interrupted by talking.

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Latyss shortly learns “Aero Super Slicer”, making three of her moves entirely redundant and making me wonder why I didn’t have it at the beginning. Flare is way too in love with his own dialogue.

Speaking of which, after I defeat him, we get a unnecessarily long scene, Dierro, like all clichéd dicks out there, declares the duel doesn’t count, and he won’t do what she says.

Latyss: Then I just let Sylph to take his revenge on you!

Wait, that’s a guy? Really?

Sylph: Oh yeah? That means I can torture him as I wish right?

Latyss: That’s his reward for helping me.

Being able to bring horrible pain to another feeling creature.

Dierro: Eek!

The Cat!

Latyss: And don’t forget my share of revenge after years of abuse and mistreatment!

Dierro: S, Stop it!

Latyss: I might change my mind if you told us the location of El Metal.

Dierro: …Ok, ok I give up! *raise both hands* My dad knows where the El Metal is located.

Latyss: I see…ok then. Sylph, don’t you think it’s okay to let him go?

Sylph: What are you talking about!! He wont get away from this easy!

Latyss: Oh…well…That’s too bad.

Dierro: He-Hey! What’s going on? You said you’d let me go!

It’s almost as if you’re…lying!

Latyss: Mm? I said, "I might change my mind", but never said, "I will stop the beating".

Didn’t I already beat the crap out of him?

Dierro: Waaaaaa?! That's not fair!

Latyss: Not fair? Didn’t you say that the weak don’t have the rights to talk about fairness?

I’m doing the exact same thing you did, but it’s okay because I’m better than you. She also rationalizes that her mother, her sister and Sylph have all suffered due to him, and he must pay for it. Whee, let’s beat on the pathetic villain some more! And at the end of the punishment…

Orubia: I feel kind of sorry for him.

First logical thing I’ve heard all day. One of these days I’m gonna show you their attraction ratings, as Latyss’s and Orubia’s go up…for no reason, as Latyss was doing all the work.

We go to the elder, and after he throws out a few token “I hate humans” lines, Latyss points out a couple gaping plot holes.

Latyss: Who decided humans are low class? Elves are indeed far more advanced than human in magic and life-span. But humans achieved so much in their short life time, and they are not that inferior to elves. Not only that but these people here treated us equally despite of racial difference.

“…And the fact we’re all pretty much dicks.”

Elder: Hurmph! You are a shame to our people! Why didn't you die in dignity before you shamefully beg your life to humans?! We are the superior race! We don’t need help from those inferior to us!

Ryle then hijacks the scene. No one but him is going to have an epic speech.

Ryle: One cannot survive on it’s own, no matter how powerfull and intelligent it might be.

One, after all, is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do…

Ryle: Let me ask you, how did you come into this world?

My parents always told me from the cabbage patch.

Ryle: That means you had to rely on your parents to come to this world… No matter how proud and superior your race may be, you can’t even come to this world by yourself! Not only that! All your buildings and furnitures must be coming from the forest here! Without them…you can’t even support daily life! Humans, elves, we can’t live totally by ourselves, we need to rely on everything surround us. We are speaking the same language and belong to the same humanoid category! What superiority?

“Well, those last two are just lazy worldbuilding.”

Latyss: I can say this, as the hafling between the both races…

Heh, was there ever any doubt she was a half-elf? No, game, try it again. “Halfling.”

Ryle: !!! (The “halfing” between two races?)

Dammit, game. I know you can do better.

Latyss: We need to get rid of stereotypes first, in order to coexist.

The elder points out Ryle can’t do anything, Latyss reveals he’s a prince, the elder still won’t tell us where the El Metal is and won‘t even talk to the “half-human“ again (clever.), and this goddamn scene isn’t even half over. Latyss gives him a wind-based cockpunch, and we get another very nice splash page. Even if her right arm is looks like the robot claw of a toy and her breasts are absurdly huge.

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Latyss: You’re right, my father is human…He loved us very much during his short life… Daddy’s life filled even my longing for warmth from my own people…I am proud having such compassionate human as my father! If you call my father low class, then to me you are…the LOWEST of all beings! You don’t have the rights to judge others since you can’t appreciate the goodness of theirs!!

Latyss will not let Ryle steal her big scene. But Ryle fights back, wrestling the scene from Latyss’s grasp and taking control again!

Elder: …That’s because you have the same bloodline as theirs!! Humans are inferior after all!!

So, Elves=Nazis. Got it.

Ryle: That’s enough! Elder…it’s your feedom to say that we humans are inferior…

“Oh…well, alright then, I will!” Brace yourselves, elves and elvettes, this is gonna be a long one…

Ryle: Every beings in this world are supporting each other in order to maintain the order and peace! Even what you said earlier is correct that the elves are indeed can support themselves. Others are not, and you calling such dependency as the inferiority…

Makes complete sense to me!

Ryle: Not only humans! But all the beings in this world are being insulted by you! In other words, you represent the entire elves that your people are turning against the rest of world!! Don’t forget the dragons who are far more superior than the elves in terms of power and magic helped humans. 20 years ago they fought along side with humans, in order to defeat Mahzoks. The Savior, Sacred Dragoon Flare Delstar, you should know that name. That person defeated the lord of Mahzoks, CHAOS, and brought the peace to this world. That means who are just pretending to be on the top of this world which was saved by the “inferior” humans. Don’t we have our duty to help each other and live peacefully in this world…which Flare fought so hard to protect? I don’t need your answer right now. All we need today is to know where the “El Metal” is located.

TL; DR, bitches. Goddamn that was ridiculous.

Suddenly civil and conversational, the Elder says that a bunch of humans recently ransacked the mine, and Ryle leaps to the conclusion that it was Xaktor. After the Elder describes the location of the mine, he asks if Ryle, the prince, was behind it, but Ryle responds that his “nobility has been stripe away.“

Elder: Then what was all the big talks about coexistence and treaties?

Ryle: You mean you are interested in it?

Elder: Hmph! Not a bit.

I think even the laugh track stopped. Ryle ends up restating what he’s said repeatedly before, that he likes his life too much to be royalty, and everyone leaves, with one tiny extra choice scene where Ryle gets one last speech in.

Ryle: You shouldn’t get your hands dirty for that oldman. I was about to punish that old gizzer by myself, for insulting my friend! Latyss is Latyss no matter what happens.

Latyss: [i]Thank you.

Do you have any other stock Aesops to spew?

And I am so out.

NEXT TIME: I go find the El Metal or something. And Ryle gets even more perverted. Go away, I need to drink.

#25 Sir Exal

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Posted 04 May 2010 - 05:30 PM

Part the Tenth: El Metal de la Bruja OR Miner Inconveniences

Before vacating Elzcrown, let’s look at a house I couldn’t enter before, with the excuse that it looks like no one lived there in months, barring me from entering for some reason. Ryle says don‘t go in abandoned buildings, kids! An option pops up, and the hint warns me that looking inside will cause a scene with Latyss to start. I just haven’t cheered her up enough, so…

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“Honestly, it lowers the property values of the whole village.” Whew, that place ain’t up to code.

This is, of course, her old house, and Ryle finally asks the extremely obvious question of what exactly it was that got her banished from the village in the first place.

Latyss: Simple reason. Dierro wanted me to marry him but I rejected his proposal. He became very angry and began spreading bad rumors about me, later we were forced to leave here.

“Unrelatedly.” How do you spread rumors in a town with a population of NINE anyway, especially when three of them are the person concerned or related to her?

Ryle: You were forced out of the village because you dumpted him?

“Well, that and the meth lab.”

Latyss: After my family left here, we moved from place to place toward northeast…yes toward Lavas.

*Dramatic twang*

Latyss: If I was the only one to take the blames, I might have stayed here…but my mother and Preshes…

What, they wouldn’t put out either?

Ryle: I can’t forgive these guys…Like Xaktor before and this guy… What do they think they are!!

…What? How does someone with dreams of royalty that imprisoned the king and drugged the prince even slightly compare to just some perverted dick? It’s like equivocating Quagmire to Lex Luthor!

Anyway, of course, Ryle points out that if they hadn’t been banished from here, they wouldn’t have gone to Lavas and met Ryle and the other girls, and she wouldn’t have been able to go on this enthralling adventure. And who would want that?

Ryle: Haha. The place we grow up surely beats the one we were born from.

Latyss: Oh yes, Ryle was born in…Factoria Castle…

“Right? Let me check my notes here…”

Ryle: But I have no feelings to that place though…. OUR hometown is Lavas, and that’s all you need to remember.

Latyss: You bettya!

It seems Lavas is just one big asylum for wayward children. I grab “Preshes’ Ring” from a chest inside her house.

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Nice and helpful, game.

I blaze my way again through the Lite Gryn Forest (now with 30% fewer carbs!). The entryway to the mines, called “Rock Raise” for no comprehendible reason, is now quite obvious. But no sooner do I enter do I hit a roadblock.

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Got any blatant suggestions, Ryle?

Ryle: I better let Hayami use that Iwa Kiri Maru or some other way around… Waita sec, instead of using force, maybe magic is more effective. Caris can use FIRE magic and Latyss can use ICE magic…I need both of them to open the path!

Not railroading me a bit here, are we, game?

Latyss: Then let’s go back to Lavas and ask Caris to come here.

…Christ, I hate you, game.

SO, all the way back through the water, back to Lavas, where, again, no one’s noticed I left, just to use the party-switching exclamation point at home. GAHHHH! In fact, I can only choose Caris and Latyss at this point, meaning that Flare thought I would be too dumb to switch to them.

Okay, I’ve got Latyss and Caris and I walk all the way back to Rock Raise (seriously, what?) to get rid of the blockage.

Ryle: Xaktor obviously tried to seal the place, so no one can enter. Now I have to do all the work.

And by that, I, of course, mean two girls have to do it.

Ryle: First let Caris use Heat Ray to heat up the rocks. Then let Latyss use her ICE magic to cool down the heated rocks make the rocks easy to break.

Have you ever taken a physics course, Flare? I think you’re badly overestimating rocks’ heat conducting properties. Oh well, it’s not the biggest violation of physics in this game, or even in the next five minutes.

Caris: Latyss help me to spread the heat around, but be careful don’t get burned!

Latyss: Sylph! Spread the heat around using your wind!

“Jet Stream Power!!”

Sylph: Latyss…sometimes act like that Dierro guy…

“I’m sorry, do you WANT to go back in the box?”

So they attack the rocks with heat and ice, and Ryle announces “Wow! Increable!” despite the fact nothing has actually happened. But the wacky music starts to play, and you know what that means…

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Needless violence!

Latyss and Caris hide behind Ryle, apparently making all the rocks rise through him.

Ryle: Daaaaaaaaaa!? This can't be reallll!??

More rocks! Oh, what fun this is!

Ryle: OoooWaaa!!

Caris: Whew~ I shouldn’t over heated them, and the rocks just exploded…

Wasn’t…wasn’t that the, physically nonsensical, idea?

Sylph: Once we got hit, we are goner.

Latyss: But we cleared our objective, and with only 1 casualty.

Government-wise, that’s excellent!

Latyss: It’s kind of late to say this, are you alright?

Ryle: You took ME as human shield, and that’s all you can say?!

Why, Ryle’s angry! There’s only one cure for that…

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More pointless slapstick!

Latyss and Caris confer about the severity of the injury, Latyss saying it’s not as serious as it looks, despite the certain concussion and likely brain damage.

Caris: Really, he passed out for sure. Okay, I better use good old “Dear Caris’ Morning Call”.

“Why, PeeJee, that sounds like the perfect…segue to unnecessary violence!”

Ryle’s sprite goes up or perhaps north into the ceiling as he screams.

Latyss: Caris that was too much! He might not wake up forever!!

Caris: Don’t worry.

“He’s been pummeled by rocks and smashed into the ceiling! What should I do?!”

Latyss: You didn’t have hit him that high.

“Hey! I think punching him to the ceiling is plenty high!”

Ryle comes down, argues at Caris some more, and, of course…

Ryle: Who in the world would wake a person by upper cutting him to the ceiling!?

Latyss: Don’t shout too loud!

And then a rock falls on Ryle.

…I’ve run out of terms to use.

Ryle: No…Not another one falling.

Latyss: I told you there are broken pieces on the ceiling your voice will shake them off.

Caris: Even the mother nature is on my side. I am just so increable.

Latyss: I don’t want to care anymore.

None of us does, Latyss. So we move on with no effect--

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Ryle: You gotta be kiddin! Learning new move like this

And the old, familiar, WhatAnIdiot fanfare. Dammit, Romancing Walker! Pointing out your own moronic, contrived happenings as moronic and contrived IS. NOT. FUNNY. It’s just depressing!!

Voice of God: After using Warp, you should find your boat near the town you just moved. It has the auto-tracking feature. In case you don’t see the boat after the Warp, Just go in and out of town once and the boat should be nearby.

Please adjust yourself for my lazy programming. At least I never have to go through the forests again.

So I venture forth into the mine, but it’s not long before they stop, feeling a presence in the air…

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Our heroes bravely run away, and Ryle decides that to pass the ghosts, we need either Orubia or Fina to defeat them, as they possess Holy magic and all that rot. Fortunately I have Warp now, but, of course, the instant I have it, it becomes useless…

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Flare puts in a shortcut. It costs a little cash, but who cares if it’ll shave a minute off my time playing this game. Once again, I can only choose Fina or Orubia.

Actually, there are separate scenes for bringing just Orubia, just Fina, or the both of them. Orubia retreats in fear, and when Ryle points out that she defeated the much more powerful Soul Eater in one hit, she responds that somehow the large number makes things different, despite her area spells. I knew we shoulda got a controller-type party member. Fina has something a bit different.

Ryle: They are still here!

They’re like bad houseguests!

Ryle: Fina! Use your HOLY magic against the ghosts!

Fina: Kyaaaaaa~! Ghosttttt!

Yoinks! How do you stretch out the ‘t’ in ‘ghost’ anyway? Fina runs off.

Ryle: Hey Where are you going?!

Fina: I, I, I’m very scared of ghosts!!! I have a ghost phobia!

Ryle: But you can just wipe them out with your Light Slicer!

Fina: I CAN’T! I’m too scared to do it

Ryle: I just don't get it, you got the most powerful spell against them, but you are scared of them?? Then there’s nothing we can do here, if she can’t fight alone, I’d better bring Orubia along as well…

Way to sympathize and help a friend through her fears, Ryle. Fina actually gets a “Ghost Phobia” move, but bringing Orubia doesn’t help. Apparently Orubia is horrified the idea of fighting alone with Ryle or something. Ryle goes by truly implacable logic and decides he needs to bring Hayami, I guess because we’ve already tried everyone else.

Hayami takes one look at the dozen ghosts before us and…

Hayami: Something is odd here…


Hayami: …I don’t sense any aggressive signs.

Perhaps they’re Buddhist ghosts. Since when could you ‘sense’ anything?

Ryle: Huh? You’re right. They’re just standing there, stationed not moving at all…

Hayami walks up to an arbitrary spot on the wall, a switching sound is made, and the ghosts vanish.

And then a rock falls on Ryle.

No, I’m not kidding.

Ryle: Wha!? How come the rocks are falling on me. Again.

Even Ryle seems bored out of his skull by the pointless slapstick.

Hayami: They are mere illusions, not real. Sessha’s old colleague once told Sessha about the similar trick.

I did so enjoy that Sessha-free chapter…

Hayami: Using the light index angle to create fake images… And the air flow makes the image squiggle, as if it’s actually floating around. Besides, the way these ghosts appeared was too fast and clean.

…You couldn’t have just said, “It’s magic,” could you, game? Had to give this dumb ‘explanation’ that I’m not even going to waste typing time on. Hayami finally notices Ryle is unconscious and runs to his aid.

Hayami: Sessha could not sense any attacks! This must be a work done by some expert assassin! Ryle Dono!

Couldn’t hear the rock crashing to the ground via Ryle’s skull either, apparently. But Ryle apparently isn’t as unconscious as it seems…

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Thank you so much. The graphics are so limited that we had to be told about that. And it adds so very much to the characterization.

Hayami: Ryle Dono? Is your head injury getting worse? Your face is kind of weird.

“Nah, that’s just the hemorrhage.”

Ryle: I am born with such face! Got a problem with that!

Hayami: Kya! Sessha am so sorry!

Not good enough! Commit seppuku nowwwww!!

Ryle: As your punishment, Now I shall sit on your laps!

Punishment by hugging! …She has more than one?

Hayami: T-That’s kind of embarrasing…Sessha can’t last for seconds!

Ryle: No! It’s a punishment for you insulting me you know!

“You should have thought of that before you made a casual comment about my appearance after a went through head trauma!” Fade out, and…

Narration: Ryle enjoyed resting on Hayami’s sexy thighs as VERY comfortable pillows.

That seppuku’s looking pretty good right now, isn’t it, Hayami?

Hayami: This too is part of Kuno Ichi training. But still…little embarrassing.

So, with no further comment, thank god, we move on. And are promptly confronted by a ghost samurai.

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Bah, probably just the elven elder in a disguise.

Ryle: Waitta sec! But you are dead already! We are finished if he comes at us right now! Let’s call Orubia for help. And Fina…nah forget it. She has so many weaknesses…sea sick, ghost phobia, what next?

Yeah, why doesn’t everyone get character limitations posing as depth?!

So I fetch Orubia and, oh, let’s say, Caris from the dragon. You know, ulterior motives aside, Brad certainly doesn’t seem to have any problem with a dragon coming down from the sky and carrying his daughter off into danger. It’s good to let your kids run free a bit.

There’s a tiny sketch where Ryle tells Orubia not to run, she says she’ll try not to, Ryle detects her insincerity and Caris tells them to shut up.

Ghost Samurai: Woo- Waaaah-!


There’s a utterly unnotable fight where Orubia has to charge up to seal the Ghost Samurai’s soul, which is in his sword so we can break the sword. Or something Bleach-y like that. After we beat him, Ryle recieves the “Grandyser,” which I swear is really what it’s called.

Ghost Samurai: …! You the worthy one, take my soul…

Ew! No!

Ghost Samurai: I shall become the tiger hunting for dragons.

…Hm, 10 bucks on the dragons. Ryle receives another weapon, the Torahdo, and a new move, the Togahzan. Orubia is bummed because Ryle gets all the rewards. That’s what you get for not being the main character.

And then a rock falls on Ryle.

Still not kidding.

#26 Sir Exal

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Posted 04 May 2010 - 05:31 PM

The nice part about this maze is that there are no random encounters, just the scenes. Speaking of which…

Ryle: Another open area? I got a bad feeling about this…

Insert your own reference here. Ryle walks to a chest and after expressing his skepticism about it, opens it.

Ryle: Tsk! An empty…holy sh--

And he narrowly dodges a rock. All the girls (when they’re with you) comment on this, and Fina would even say, “Not another joke from that silly man.” She’s referring to Xaktor, of course, but I prefer to think even Fina’s tired of the rampant stupidity.

And then a rock falls on Ryle.

Caris: Still too slow…

Orubia: Wa! Not again!

Ryle: Urgggg… No more, I’m gonna die here!

We can only hope.

The door’s locked tight! Ooh, I wonder what we should do!

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If you don’t know how to solve this “puzzle,” you’re probably too young to read this or having your personal care assistant read this to you.

The girls don’t especially want to, but Ryle convinces them to through the power of being a dick.

Ryle: We can’t just sit here and do nothing and the capital will eventually pay for all the damages here anyway.

The cart rumbles to the door and EXPLODES on impact, opening the door. Say it with me, folks!

And then a rock falls on Ryle.

The fanfare isn’t even playing anymore. It went out for a smoke, probably. I certainly need one.

The dragon’s inside, now, but charges even more than he used to. Since I’m tired of Orubia, let’s switch her out for Fina.

Well, I’ve gone twelve steps, time for another event!

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Well observed, Fina.

Caris: I wonder how they can squeeze in such narrow place.

We get an option, and a hint informs us that Fina gets an extra scene ahead. Sounds good. I march suicidally forward and the dragons advance.

Ryle: I am Ryle Lastor. What are you 2 dragons doing in elven mine?

Green Dragon: We will tell you if you defeat us!

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…Well, that was fast. Really cool, spooky music plays.

Ryle is stunned, pointing out that dragons and humans are allies. The dragons, in turn, point out that he’s wielding a dragonslayer sword at the moment. Erm.

He doesn’t want to fight, just get that moronic El Metal we’ve been going for this whole time. The dragons don’t listen.

Fina: Please! Stop the fight!! My name is Fina!!

You knew my mother!! Please do not die!!!

Fina: Take a look at this sword! It’s the Rune Disaster! I have the Dragon Gene too! We don’t have to fight each other! In case of Ryle, he just got that weapon around here. We only want the El Metal and nothing else!

You can even eat Ryle if you like!

Fina: I am sure you don’t want your friend get hurt, right? I don’t want either the humans or dragons getting hurt! Let’s end this! Please?

Green Dragon: …We will destroy you.

Nuked that Diplomacy roll, eh, Fina?

Fina: !! But why!? There’s no reason to!!

Green Dragon: This is a trial for us to clear. Fina, you will understand someday.

Fina: Please stop it!! I don’t understand what you’re talking about!!

“But you will, someday…oh, let’s go over this again.”

Green Dragon: Like we said, this is a trial! One of us must die!!

Unless there’s a hung jury!

Ryle: So you wont back off no matter what?

Green Dragon: If all humans were as rightous as you, we wouldn’t be here right now…

‘Cause they would have killed us, for being jerks.

Green Dragon: Let’s decide who’s gonna live! Enguard!!

That officially ends negotiations.

Ryle’s new move involves a tiger strike, and tigers and dragons are enemies in Japanese mythology. But you knew that. The move does absurd amounts of damage, so we barely even need those other people here.

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Yeah, the fact I’ve already defeated one of them should show you how wrong he is.

Green Dragon: Unlike the elves, we never looked down on the other races out of false pride. We admit you are indeed powerful! That’s why we are doing our best to win.

“Er…I. Why I am doing my best to win.”

Ryle: Then why are we having a pointless fight?! I'm sure you don't want to do this either!

“Uh, no, I thought it was pretty clear I did.”

Green Dragon: Desire is the cause of all the conflicts. We witnessed many examples over these 500 years.

Oh, I do love these disjointed conversations, don’t you?

Ryle: Howcome you’re trying to repeat the same history? You lived all those long years for what?

“Hookers and blow, mainly.”

Green Dragon: It’s too late! We are the puppets of our own fate!

Great, goth dragons.

Fina: I would never buy it!! If there’s a such thing called fate, I will change it!! And so should you!!

Green Dragon: …It’s too late for us. If we had noticed that just a bit sooner…

Ryle is now fine with it. If they want to fight and die, he seems to figure, let ‘em. The girls are surprised, though I can’t guess at why, but he doesn’t care. They need that metal, after all, to…build a boat. Hmmm.

Oh well, he’s the main character, bitch.

I beat them with little effort, and the dragon reveals they are in fact the puppets of humans! Gasp!

Ryle: …What!? To be able to command the dragons…Oh no!!

To be fair, these were pretty wimpy dragons.

Ryle: They must have took one of your friends as hostages. Am I right?

Green Dragon: …Correct. Our offsprings are taken and impirioned somewhere we do not know.

“So instead of trying to save them, we did exactly what we were told to do.”

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Dull scene as they reveal that the guy that took their kids used Marionette Song, leading Ryle to believe it‘s whoever they‘re investigating. And, naturally, we can’t reveal who it was. Gah!

This, of course, makes the whole previous scene incorrect. I don’t see why Fina should understand later at all. They aren’t puppets of their fate or whatever, they were forced! And as a matter of fact, why did they attack?! It’s not like whoever it is could be watching!

The dragon asks for Ryle to finish them off, and Ryle plans to comply, to Fina and Caris’s horror.

Ryle: …If we leave them like this, soon the culprit will send the hitman to finish off these 2...So we should send them instead…

Not to mention that they can’t fight back, because they put the baby dragons’ lives at risk.

What? What hitman, what culprit? This doesn’t make any sense at all! And don’t the babies mean nothing after the dragons are dead?! Fina tries to convince him to take a logical course of action, but he just tells them to shut up and turn around, as, after all, these two have never seen death before. Ryle puts the two dragons out of their misery. Lucky dragons.

Their bodies stay visible for some reason, and Fina comments she wants to give them a proper funeral (Jewish, of course). We never will. We’re just going for the El Metal.

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High-tech little buggers those elves are. “Let’s get out of here…” says Ryle.

But I don’t think we should leave without one more little distraction, should we?

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Raymah introduces himself as a Mahzok, one of the demonic creatures that warred against the humans in the ancient times of twenty years ago.

To Raymah’s credit, he recognizes Fina as a Delstar as well. It’s like a little family reunion!

Raymah: Even though these dragons belong to low class, you are quiet a warrior to be able to kill 2! And I really admire your swordsmanship…

I got a special move explicitly used to slay dragons! It wasn’t hard at all!

They talk briefly, and Raymah is revealed to be the one who controlled the dragons, and was going to kill them even if they beat Ryle and co. Why the Mahzoks are interested in Ryle, I have no clue.

Caris: Calling dragons a trash? Watch your mouth!!

Oh, my god! Demons are mean!

Ryle: Don’t think we will let you go like this after all the insults!!

Raymah: Kekeke...fine with me!! That anger and hatred! shall be the source of my power!!

Fina: Aargh!! I won’t let him get away from this! You are so dead Mr.-!!

But then the screen starts to shake, the Rune Disaster moves in front of her, transforms, and Fina--grows gills or something.

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Perhaps the best-drawn CG thus far. Apparently, she’s now a High Valkyrie, channeling similar power as her mother did when fighting at Meldia. Or something. I honestly don’t care.

Raymah: Awakenning…how splendid? Of course you’re the heir of Flare. It must be my lucky day. Once I kill the descendant of Sacred Dragoon, I shall be promoted to highest rank in a zip! How wonderful-!!

Fina: You almost destroyed the precious bond between humans and dragons. You shall pay for this!!

Raymah: So what if that happens? Survival of the fittest! That IS the law of nature! Don't you agree?

I don’t see what that has to do with…anything, but okay.

Fina: And I’ll smash hard on that arrogant face of yours!! You shall pay the price for making me angry for real!!

Fina? You can’t just yell stuff and hope it sounds tough.

Raymah points out she can’t use her powers to the fullest, everyone yells at Raymah, and then we fight!

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…And yell some more. Hmm. Fina sure dislikes people who make her angry…for making her angry. How does that work? The first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club, I guess.

Caris is completely useless once again and this time it’s Fina’s HOLY attacks that make this fight a snorer. Actually, it takes a while, but Caris sticks to healing, which is needed, and Raymah is soon defeated.

Raymah: Very tough you humans! I can see why you were able to defeat those dragons.

They sat there and took it, Raymah.

Ryle: Now! Ready to die!

No, wait, Through the Fire and Flames! Yeah, that’s a better song.

Raymah: Kahkahkah!

Where’s that mp3 of Naga laughing when you need it?

Raymah: It was my pleasure meeting you! Until next time, good bye!

Raymah vanishes like any trace of my sanity.

Ryle: Damn! He got away!

Caris: Mahzoks are tough… Even with that kind of injury, he escaped easily.

I mean, he faded out and everything! But what’s that? I think Ryle has an internal monologue to give!

Ryle: (Why are the Mahzoks after us? Not only that taking baby dragon hostages and even brainwashing…)

They’re Chaotic Evil, it’s what they do!

Ryle: (Wait…is this something to do with our mission? That means they are related to our Factoria?)

Actually, you seemed more “inconveniently in the way” than “after you.” Once again, Ryle is severely overestimating his importance.

We are mercifully teleported back to Lavas, where Ryle stands in the middle of his house and declares his intent to finally finish that damn boat.

NEXT TIME: We head out to sea sea sea to see what we can see see see. And maybe we find out who we’re finding things out about! (Not bloody likely.)

#27 Sir Exal

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Posted 11 May 2010 - 10:15 PM

Part the Eleventh: I Just Met A Girl Named Mariel

Before we go any further, I’m gonna bring up two sections of the game I haven’t yet.

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The girl on the broom that Ryle is facing is the LOVE Counter, which allows you to hit with twice the love on the next--no, wait.

After I show the LOVE Counter the HOT Membership card (see a pattern?), she offers to show me the affection ratings and personal thoughts of the girls. Somehow it never occurs to the girls to point out this massive invasion of privacy, but how else am I supposed to make friends with them? Listen earnestly and pay attention? That ain’t my style.

So, here’s the current status of the party:

Caris: Attraction 15 “Should I say kind of a close buddy? Can’t just leave him being helpless.”

Orubia: Attraction 25 “He’s still very kind as before, and he has become more reliable and more attractive too.”

“Responsibility turns me on…”

Latyss: Attraction 26 “Despite of not being human, he was kind and honest toward me and my family. I’m glad about that.”

Hayami: Attraction 23 “Not only Sessha was saved by him, Sessha respect him deeply.”

Huh? When did that first thing happen? Did Hayami confuse Ryle with Jesus again?

Fina: Attraction 21 “A good friend getting along well… But it’s the first time for me to be with someone this close…”

“Frankly, it’s a miracle I know how to behave.”

Now, these might seem pretty low or whatever, but they’re all on the second tier of friendship, starting on level 15 and ending at 29...at which point it goes to level 3, where they’re completely in love with you. That’s right, there’s only three relationship levels, and I’m almost to them with all the characters excepting Caris. I’m not even halfway through the game yet!

Honestly, this is a rational complaint: it’s too damn easy to reach attraction 30, at which point they don’t change at all. When the attraction mechanic is so strongly fused to your gameplay, don’t make it mostly pointless! Traditionally in dating sims, you only CAN get high enough with one girl! Ah, well, I’m still playing this because, I guess, I’ve already invested too much time already.

The guy in the red trench coat (yes, the game calls him a Vash wannabe. Flare‘s words, not mine) gives me items for Victory points. Victory points are randomly doled out at the ends of some battles. The system has been oddly generous with the points this play-through, so I’ve got a good amount. Thus far he’s given two useless items (that, of course, the game points out are useless). Now, he creates a World Tree near Southern Cray, and a sword that gives her a 75% crit rate…with a 25% hit rate. At least I think that’s what “Critical hit rate 75%, miss too” means. If someone speaks crazy-ass, a translation would be appreciated.

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Okay, back to the boat. Ryle gets to work, and night quickly falls. Hayami appears next to Ryle.

Hayami: It was getting dark and you didn’t come home, so Sessha came here just in case…and there you are.

Ryle realizes the nighttime filter has already descended upon the world map. He comments that he’s 20% done, which is pretty damn amazing given his previous estimate of two weeks. Working under estimate, he’s not a real ship builder! Hayami’s brought a pick-me-up (getcher mind outta the gutta!).

Ryle: It’s!?

Monty Python’s Flying Circus!

Hayami: It’s “Oni Giri,” rice balls. Used rice and vinegar, it’s a very simple food easy to carry around.

Er…can I have the new rice rather than the used rice?

Ryle: Hayami…did you make these.

Hayami: Yes. Sessha am not good at cooking, but used to make these very often.

In that they involve almost no cooking. Once again, an option is given, and I guess I’ll eat it now.

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Ryle’s hungry, having apparently been working all day straight, but his hands are too dirty to take the rice.

Hayami: Is it all right if Sessha put it in your mouth?

Ryle: Huh?

Hayami: Please open your mouth.

Ryle: (That would be quite embarrassing…I mean if somebody see us…)

Well, you are in such a high-traffic area that I wouldn’t risk it…

Hayami: Here you go! Yoink! (stuffed rice ball in)

Ryle: Mm! (mouthful)

Hayami: How’s taste?

This game’s? Very poor, actually.

Ryle: Mm Mmmm!?

Hayami: Huh? What did you say?

Ryle: Wammm!


Hayami: Warm? You like it to be warm? But the rice balls supposed to be cold.

Well, this could lead to some hilarious misunderstandings!

Ryle: (Gulp!) Hooah! I meant I need some water!

Hayami: Oh! Water.

Ryle: Guick! (Quick!)

“The rice jumped back into my mouth!” Hayami fetches water for him.

Ryle: Whew! It was too sudden, that the big rice ball almost choke me to suffocate.

Hayami: Sessha am so sorry…don’t know how to make up for it.

I have a bad feeling Ryle knows.

Ryle: The continuation from the elven mine, your punishment~part II!

Hayami: Ehh? You mean the resting on my lap?

Well, we all tried to repress it.

Hayami: Oh! Sesssha forgot to do the laundry! Better hurry back!

Ryle: Don’t you run away from me! (Laundry eh?)

Yeah, detergent turns me on too.

Hayami: Eeek! Please forgive Sessha! Please have mercy~!

Cruel and Spiteful God: Hayami was forced to massage Ryle’s back while she is sitting on his back. And Ryle was secretly enjoying the feeling of Hayami’s fine body indirectly touching his. Quite a pervert that he is.

Indirectly? She’s sitting on his back and rubbing his shoulders! How more direct can you get?!

Hayami: Ryle Dono… Sometimes you ask for Sessha to do something too embarrassing!

Ryle, stop using the ninja’s code of honor for your own amusement.

Ryle: It’s not that bad! After you get married, your future husband gonna love it!

Your current one might not be too happy, though.

Hayami: M,m, m…..married? Uh, mm, well, excuse Sessha, gotta go!

Ryle: What is wrong with her?

She fears commitment. Hayami’s attraction goes up three for no reason at all.

In just one more fadeout, the ship is built, again, quite amazing given his original guess.

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Whoa, that's boat growth. Ryle heads home, exhausted from doing two weeks’ worth of work in one day. He apparently collapses, as everything’s dark as the girls, all indicated as “????,” talk about how he finished the boat and worked absurdly hard to do so, and that they need to sneak out, as Brad still is, hypothetically, watching them.

????: We’ll have to wait at “Laili” untill then. Only he knows how to sail the ship.

“Otherwise, I’d just slit his throat now.”

They point out that Brad would get suspicious if they dragged Ryle out with them, but somehow, all the girls leaving at once won’t raise his suspicions.

????: Pack your stuff while pretending angry at your father, so he won’t suspect.

Oh, whatever. They’re waiting at Lai Lai to be taken to Cellen. Ryle wakes up and is told as much by an arrow trap that Hayami set up, that mainly allows Ryle to almost get hurt again. Oh, the mirth!

I lie to everyone in town about my intentions and head to Lai Lai.

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Thanks for pointing this out again, game, I woulda missed it.

The girls wait en masse in one inn room. Ryle informs them that despite his best efforts, the light El Metal will cause the boat to rock quite a bit when a wave hits it. But that’s not a problem, right?

Hayami: This is really bad! Even the big ship could not prevent Lady Fina’s horrible sea sick!

…Oh, right. Sigh.

Caris: Is it really that BAD? Fina’s sea sick?

Fina: I told you it’s not a regular sea sickness! It’s the “HYPER! SEA SICK”! Got that?

Yes, we got it. Please never mention it again. In something that could be resolved in one line but Flare insists on taking twelve, Latyss has Sylph calm the rocking with wind. But there’s another problem: we need another meeting place, with Lavas and Volcana a tad far from the places we’re going.

Orubia: How about “Dear Fina’s home“?

…Y’know, wasn’t that the idea from the start?

Fina: M…my home?

Orubia: Your house is on the halfway from here to “Cellen” right?

Latyss: I see. Not only that, less workload for Sylph as well...

Fina: But my house is not big enough to host all of you

Ryle: As long as we can gather there, then no problem. We can rest on the boat.

As long as you keep Coke in the freezer and Zagnut bars in the cupboard, we’ll be good.

Fina: Mmmmm, can’t guarantee you, but I’ll do my best convincing my mom.

Yes, people just love five strangers turning their house into a YMCA. A message informs me that I can now use “Warp Party” to switch up the party at any time, as now I’m apparently running around with all five party members strapped to my body. Ah well, better than Golden Sun 2.

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Sylph’s powers do nothing to alleviate Fina’s sea sick, so if I have her in the party, she loses a fair amount of both health and mana periodically. Yet, I sail around. And around. And around. The map is very poorly designed and mountains sit on nearly every coastline, so I end up wandering around aimlessly until I finally find the one available out-channel to the rest of the world. From there, literally the only place I can go is the area with the Delstar Residence and a few other geographical features. So I waltz in like I own the place and meet Mrs. Delstar.

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“Or at least I assume that the people charging into my house are my daughter’s benefactors.“ Wow, she looks good for forty. Or is it that she saved the world when she was 8?

Flare: Let me introduce myself. I am Flare Delstar, Fina’s mother.

You know, why in the world the creator, referred to as male elsewhere, decided to make his namesake a female is beyond me. For clearness’s sake, I’ll now refer to the creator of this dreck as “FLARE.”

Ryle: So she is THE…Flare Delstar.

Latyss: She was expecting us…

“That doesn’t make any sense…”

Orubia: I only heard from the stories, it’s first time to see her in person!

Caris: Hm~ Not as I expected. She’s just a regular OLD lady.

Oh, I’m sorry if I’m not the prettiest savior of the world--oh, WAIT!

Flare: !! *petrified for 0.1second*

Hayami: Lady Caris!!

Oooo! You’re in trouble…!

Flare: Uh, um The dinner is ready. You all must be tired from a long trip in the ocean.

Ryle: (She knows we came here by ship?!)

Ryle, you idiot. We came from a different continent, and Delstar’s home is on what’s basically an island!

Fina: Stop that mom!! Not the human radar trick!

Flare: Oh come on, I was able to prepare the meals on time you know.

Rachael Ray says to use all the supernatural powers you can when having guests.

Fina: But if you suddenly show that kind of "super" human ability, they might be too shocked to have any appetite!

“Holy crap! The woman who saved the world with magical powers…is using magical powers!”

Fina becomes the butt of the joke for a while as her mom argues with her, until it’s switched back to Ryle.

Caris: Ryle, you better stop them. Things like this never stop unless there’s 3rd person to intervene.

Ryle: You do it!

Caris: How could you ask a fragile lady, moi, to stop the fight among the world’s strongest family? And I don’t want getting hit by their Victory Buster! You’ll be alright. Since you were able to survive the rock showers back in elven mine.

Ryle protests, Caris threatens violence, Hayami calms things down and I’d really rather be reading Love Hina about now.

So we sit down for supper with the messiah. Thank goodness there’s only seven of us. Flare’s, quite reasonably, a bit unsure about letting a bunch of people crash in her one-room house, but Fina points out that the Mahzoks are involved, turning this whole crisis a tiny bit more serious.

Flare: I’ll help you. You can use here anytime you want…under one condition. You have to pursue the mission without me.

“Um…I didn’t ask.” “No! I cannot go with you, though it tears my heart out to refuse!” “Thanks, but really, I didn’t ask.”

Flare points out that the prince didn’t send his soldiers so this whole thing could be a secret, and having the savior of the world investigate might attract more attention than…five teenage girls and a boy traveling together. Hm. Well, nominally more attention anyway.

Flare questions why the hell everyone’s following such a clueless oaf anyway, and everyone explains by insulting Ryle again, as now it’s just become the normal thing to do. But finally….

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Yes, please!

Ryle: But once you hear the name, you can’t pull out from the mission. You have to take it seriously.

“I have no exit strategy whatsoever.”

Ryle: So anyone who won’t come with us, go ahead step out of house now.







Hey, who invited you?


“Huh? Oh, right, me.”

Ryle: Everyone…you all sure about this?


Everyone confirms they’re in it to win it, even if just because they’re already tits-deep anyway.

Ryle: The one prince Dyss ordered me to investigate is…

*dramatic pause*

Ryle: Queen Elizeh of current Factorian royalty, it’s her Highness.

DUN DUN…Dun?[/I]

After a few various interjections…

Caris: Waita sec! It might be the exact opposite! What if Xaktor brainwashed her.

Ryle: If that’s the case, there are certain contradictions.

“Like her birth certificate! Where is it?!” He points out something about her traveling and mind-controlled subjects falling out of hypnotism or something. I zoned out.

Orubia: Not only that if the queen is the true boss Xaktor would never be able to control her.

Ryle: Second thing is she didn't return to the castle, when the prince officially took over Factoria.

…This wasn’t important enough to mention before…why?

Ryle: All royal members must participate in the important events especially when a new leader is announced. She should have returned when the king was too ill to keep the throne, but the queen remained at Cellen.

Latyss: I think she didn’t come back on purpose, so the public will blame on the king not inviting her.

“Hey, I sent her an e-vite, and she didn’t respond! It said R.S.V.P. twice!”

Ryle: Also because she knew that she wouldn’t have to be bothered with all the complaints from the public.

Fina: And the next is that she returned to the castle without any notice right after we defeated Xaktor.

Okay, again, not previously mentioned…

Ryle: She even missed the prince’s crowning ceremony for her own good, but now returned so quick…When Xaktor got overthrown. Don’t you think the timing is too good to be true?

…Assuming she wasn’t avoiding him for fear of her life, sure!

Fina: I think she never expected Xaktor would be defeated by someone. Which was her miscalculation. Because of that, the queen had to come back no matter what.

Ryle: She lost Xaktor as well as all the means to regain Factoria, her plan must got hindered in great deal.

“I mean, besides being the active regent and all.”

Caris: That’s right. Her army of 1000 men were destroyed by mere 6 people.

…Yeah, that was pretty stupid.

Finishing up, Ryle brings up that the dragons said that they were controlled by someone not human and that Raymah was being ordered around, leads them to the conclusion that the queen is a Mahzok as well, which brings up questions about Dyss’s genetics, but mainly about why the hell demons would care about petty government matters. The latter is why we’re investigating in the first place.

Everyone’s still ready to go, despite the fact we are now facing down demons from Hell, just for the sake of…some kid they’re friends with. Flare objects, but she was fighting demons when we were spermatozoa, so is suddenly unable to tell us to not go. Yeah, that makes sense.

Flare: …Ok then. However, remember to run when you are in tough spots!

Or just don’t want to finish the battle.

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Everyone loiters around the house saying little of interest and nothing of consequence until I use Warp Party or whatever. There’s a nearby market that I upgrade various weapons and armor, not to mention participate in a particularly pointless relationship point where a scout wants to turn Orubia into an idol, which would seem very difficult given this world’s level of technology. I sail away, frightened, and after quite a bit of searching, finally manage to locate Cellen.

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Well, yes, Ryle, this is a desert. Somehow. Ryle says, “Let’s split up, gang!” and everyone goes to various points on the map, and you know what that means--more relationship options!

#28 Sir Exal

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Posted 11 May 2010 - 10:16 PM

Caris is doing nothing but complaining about the heat. The option to either stay out of her way or try to encourage her pops up. The hint, however…

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I have no idea what this could mean. None. And how is there so much water in a desert town, even if it is an oasis? Those are nearly canals!

Ryle: Caris, everyone’s tired under such hot weather, you’re the only one I can count on.

Caris: Man Have you forgot I am a fragile and delicate lady~

Ryle: But if you find the clue first, I am sure everyone will respect you and recognize your talent~?

Nothing like relentless sycophancy to get a girl to like you. I’m calling Gloria Steinem.

Caris: Not good at encouraging people are you? Ryle

Ryle: !!!?

“Charisma seemed like a good dump stat…”

Caris: Just kiddin~ I’ll be the first person to find the clues.

Boldfaced lies. They work, bitches. Orubia hasn’t found anything either, but when I talk to her, I’m given the choice of telling her to “watch out her steps” (watch out for snakes?) or ask if she’s hot. The hint tells me that “Be gentle is the key…but not too much.” Christ! The hints are more cryptic than the choices. I ask, “Are you Hot?“ expecting her to respond with another obscure reality show, but she replies that she isn’t hot. Ryle isn’t content.

Ryle: But watch out!! We are not here for vacation you know.

Orubia: Oh, mm…

Ryle: I don’t want to remind you this but you are the weakest in the party. Not only that you are too kind…

Orubia: You mean I am dragging everyone behind?

No, no, I didn’t say…er, yeah, I guess.

Ryle: No, I don’t remember you ever done that. Besides, you saved my life.

I, for one, will never forgive her for that. Yadda yadda Za Warudo, she’s fine and likes me more after I said she’s weak and softhearted. Latyss, are you at least more sensical?

Sylph: Latyss, it’s too hot. Use the ice magic pretty please?

Sigh. Latyss points out with the dearth of information, the queen likely never even came here, making this whole damn town entirely pointless. As for Sylph being hot, Ryle, along with the rest of us, is confused.

Ryle: But you are the elementals!?

Sylph: Are you kiddin? Of course I do! Don’t even think about comparing us to those nasty ghosts!

I…buh…wha… Congratulations, you have set a new low in translation! Sylph is apparently too weak from doing nothing for Fina to cool himself down. Somehow. I’m given the choice to help him or ask Latyss how she’s doing. I pick the latter, praying for more literate dialogue.

Latyss: I am fine. I have “React Wind”. But that’s not enough for Sylph.

Ryle: Your body is more fragile, so don’t overdo it.

Latyss: As long as you don’t make me to.

Ryle: Ouch, you sure know where to poke me!

Once again, my prayers go unanswered. Hayami is looking for traps in the middle of town, forgetting both that that would be just silly, there are other people around that would set the traps off, and that she has X-Ray Vision to let her see traps instantly. The hint tells me that “Respecting her opinion is…you know.” I don’t, but humor the poor girl anyway.

Ryle: You suspect other assassins might follow our tracks?

Hayami: Not yet, but can’t let your guard down, we’re dealing with those who can even control dragons.

Through hostages and petty intimidation!

Ryle: I understand. Continue searching.

Search over there, Hayami, away from the adults. Finally, Fina seems to be starting to think there‘s the possibility this whole thing is pointless, but “She’s very determined so don’t take it too lightly.”

Ryle: Anyway, let’s search for as many clues as possible, we’re dealing with the Mahzoks here!

Fina: Yup. I’ll keep looking around here. You go ahead.

Ryle: ………….

Attraction up. Holy crud, I wish real relationships were this easy.

Note that this all means you add 2 to all the values from the start of the section. Pointless. That’s all the girls, and the NPCs just say helpful things like, “It’s HOT even in oasis” but there is a conspicuous green-haired girl wandering around the center of town.

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The game warns, “This somewhat nerdy inventer is named Mariel Shells. She’s a gunner.”

Ryle: Actually I am looking for any information regarding the Factorian Queen’s visitation to this town.

Mariel: The QUEEN from Factoria!? Where? Where is she?

Ryle: Heh?

Well put, Ryle.

Mariel: Ale? (Huh?) Didn’t you say the queen is here?

Get used to that, it’s what the game considers to be humor from Mariel.

Ryle: No I mean did the queen ever been here for the last couple of days.

Mariel: Ah, right. Sorrie.

Apology not accepted.

Mariel: Let me see…mmmmmm, emmmmm…

The screen goes black, and informs me she kept right on thinking. Ryle, apparently, got bored and left.

Mariel: Ale? (Huh?) Where did he go? Oy~ (Hey~)

Gratuitous Yiddish?

Mariel: (…)

Mariel: (…) (…)

Mariel: (…) (…) (…)

What is this crap, ASCII art of multiplying potatoes?

Mariel: Where am I~?

Oh, Mariel, you’re so dumb and precious I just want to strangle you. She runs off.

Ryle: I think she’s gone. Oh well. Better not waste any more time.


We meet at the inn, discuss how we’ve found nothing, and decide to head back to Fina’s. My lord, this was pointless.

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That infuriating girl seems to have dropped her glasses. I’ll keep them for leverage later. We warp back to Fina’s house, because I don‘t want to spend any more time than absolutely necessary. We decide to plan our next move oh Jesus Christ this is going to be long.

Caris: That place was so hot…

Hayami: Now Sessha am totally clueless. Is there any other leads?

Got something right there, Hayami. They decide, at length, that the only thing to do is to tell Dyss he wasted their time, his, and mine.

Ryle: But I can’t figure out 1 thing.

Orubia: What’s that?

Ryle: Between Cellen and Meldia, ships go back and forth at least once in every 5 days.

…I don’t see why, that town seemed to have nothing of value in it.

Caris: Eh? You knew?

Hayami: It’s part of daily life to the people of Ernest.

“…you inbred bumpkin.”

Ryle: Hayami, now you made me a complete fool

It wasn’t Hayami, dearie.

Hayami: Sessha didn’t mean it.

Fina: The Mahzoks don’t need the ships, they can just warp to here’n there~

I have never used the tilde so much as writing this up.

Flare: Only the Pure Mahzoks are able to warp.

Hayami: Lady Flare, a “Pure” Mahzok?

Well, 99 and 44/100 percent Pure Mahzok.

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Ohhh, I smell pointless world mythology details ahead…

Flare: Mahzoks lose most of their power once they materialize to our world. Their bodies are made of energy. That’s what I used to know from my past experiences. If they come to this world in pure form, they exhaust most of power and end up as weak as little child.

So why the hell were we warring against them?! Not to mention Raymah was plenty strong!

Flare: In some worst cases, they become as weak as cats and dogs.

Ryle: Cats and dogs!?

Caris: …That weak?

They have obviously never been attacked by a police dog.

Fina: Maybe we can lure them all out to our turf’n bust them?

Flare: If they are so dumb, I would have to become the Sacred Dragoon. Because CHAOS would never come out of his realm, so I had to go there and fight him!

Fina: Sorry mom I was just saying.

Flare’s really been doing nothing but breaking Fina’s balls since we got here. Flare says Mahzoks can take over random monsters’ bodies and become “Contact Mahzoks,” using a percentage of their power. They assume this was what Raymah did, which should be why some random kids were able to defeat him, but FLARE forgets he teleported away with no trouble. Continuity? Consistency? A Jedi craves not these things.

Latyss: Hold on for second… Then how come all Pure Mahzoks aren’t taking over monsters?

Hayami: They would have conquered this world very easily by just becoming the Contact Mahzoks!

Assuming they never met up with three level 12 teenagers, yes..

Flare: Good observation Latyss. Taking over other bodies have 1 critical flaw.

Caris: ?

Thanks for contributing, Caris.

Flare: If the host cant withstand their big power, both the Mahzok and the hosted monster will die. So you see, unless they are 100% positive about the safety, none will dare to engage “contact”.

Ryle: That means the Mahzoks are plotting to search for the ultimate body or even creating one!?

Now boarding for the jump to Conclusions…please have your ticket ready.

Orubia: No! We are doomed!

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Orubia.

Flare: But they even chosed NOT to take over dragons, the strongest race. I think nothing in this world can.

Caris: But if not the bodies, then what else they’re looking for? Something even worse? Hey, Ryle. What’s the real purpose for taking over Factoria then?

Oh , I don’t know! This plot is completely incomprehensible!! They realize that they hadn’t fought Mahzoks in the castle, which might mean either the Queen/Mahzok was manipulating them or a traitor was stopping the Mahzoks from killing them. How you can be a traitor to demons is beyond me.

But we need to advance the plot, such as it is, so Flare gives me a letter to deliver to Meldia.

Ryle: But we have to report back to Factoria.

Flare: If you contact the prince now, the queen will definitely pull some strings to trap you. In worst case, it might involve another major kingdom like Meldia, into a messy situation.

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Not to mention that it’s more exploration, which means easier access to various areas when I unlock them for warping, they say.

Fina: She’s right. We can’t just wandering around the world indefinately.

Wasn’t stopping us before!! Long story short (TOO LATE!): Hayami volunteers to report alone, everyone tells her not to, more Mahzoks might be waiting in the wings, but not CHAOS, as Flare woulda detected him.

Ryle: But I’m not sure if they would believe us, they might kick us out before we even reach the gate?

Flare: Current king and queen of Meldia used to be my old comrades. I’m sure they will help you.

Caris: King Zestrum and Queen Meldyss? So they too fought along with Flare!

“Also, how did I know their names?”

Flare: Would you accept my request?

Ryle: Yes, in that case.

If nothing else, this game accurately simulates being in a conversation with the dullest people imaginable.

To get to Meldia, we’ll have to trek through the “Gold Bar Tunnel,” which Flare warns us is full of undeads, and if you’ve forgotten, Fina’s terrified of the things. FINALLY, the scene is done. Ugh.

I quickly dash inside Gold Bar Tunnel before another scene can catch me, Hayami, Orubia, and Latyss in tow. Fina, if you use her, is of course too scared to do anything at all.

Oh look who it is.

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Get used to that facial expression, by the way. We’re gonna see it a LOT.

Mariel is apparently being threatened by that zombie, and everyone is eager to jump to her rescue (except Fina, who is “hilariously“ scared stiff), but they notice she’s not afraid and hold back.

Zombie: Buuuuuurrrr!!

The zombie mentions his favorite Gore Vidal book.

Mariel: *sniffs* Woo I forgot you can’t undertand my language, sorrie~

Lord, I hate this character.

Mariel: I got no choice then! Better scare you away!

Mariel whips out a cannon basically bigger than she is and busts a cap in its ass.

Zombie: Graaaaaaaaa!!

The group is suitably impressed with her one-shot one-kill attitude, even if it was apparently on accident. The sextet moves as one to her. They are Legion. For they are Many.

Ryle: Are you alright?

Mariel: Oh! There you are! I finally found you! Why did you ditch me without a word back in Cellen? I’ve been looking all over for you!

…And she beats me here, despite the fact I warped. Wow, that scene was longer than I thought.


Caris: Hey, What’s going on here?

Orubia: It seems she knows you quite well

Latyss: You know her?

Hayami: Cellen? Did you meet her over there?

Fina: Waaaaa! Zombies Ghosts…

All Girls: Fina BE QUIET!!

It’s funny because they’re unsympathetic about her psychological condition.

I’m gonna skip the mind-numbing stupidity as everyone thinks he was just wasting time with Mariel when the others were searching for clues, as if you’d want to spend thirty seconds around her, much less half a day. Except, that is, for Hayami, who isn’t familiar with the term, “hitting on,” despite being previously established as a well-educated world traveler, and Fina, who is still babbling in fear.

Mariel: Ah, almost fogot! You know I tried to recall if the queen ever visited Cellen… But I only stayed there for 2 days, so how could I know? Therefore I wanted to tell you that..

Ryle: You came all the way here to tell me THAT!?

Sigh. I think FLARE went on to write the dialogue for the Rocky & Bullwinkle movie.

Mariel: Yes! A ship happened to come by so I was on board and ended up here.

Ryle: ...........................

Caris: ...........................

Really, really, REALLY quiet.

Orubia: ...........................

Latyss: .............................

Hayami: .......................

…And it seems there’s a distinct disadvantage to having everyone around…everyone can comment. Even when they have literally nothing to say.

Ultimately, Mariel joins the group against my personal wishes, and Ryle thinks about returning the glasses. Hint Hintyerson says, “Basically returning is good for Mariel! But if you insist on keeping it, go ahead. Her initial “Attraction” is pretty high.”

I’m gonna show you the cluster*vulgarity* that is the inventory screen to show you why I’m giving it to her.

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Ryle: Mariel…right? I picked up your eyeglass back there.

Mariel: Oh! My spare glass!

I need that in case scotch is served!

Mariel: So you found them?

Ryle: (Anyone can see that I mean sitting right on middle of street)

Mariel: But you shouldn’t have I got plenty of spares you know?

Hmmm, obviously we ran out of commas for this update. Gotta order more.

Ryle: You do?

Mariel: So far I lost total of 325 times. That’s why I always carry at least 10 with me.

The archeology digs in a few thousand years are gonna be so weird…

Mariel: [i]But you are the first person who actually returned the glass! I am so happy!

I think that’s the first reasonable attraction increase in this game. She has 23, which means she started at the deep friends level of 21. Aren’t random girls in the street good friends with you?

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So, we now have the full party, and are ready to get into the real meat of this game!

No, I’m lying. It’s the same old crap.

Also, we’re approaching the point where the game starts changing scenes depending on who is #1 on your affection list, so vote for you want Ryle to be closest with! I have the love potions to get basically anyone (except maybe Caris) to that point. So vote, or else I’m going with Hayami, and I don’t think anyone wants that.

NEXT TIME: We explore a lighthouse, and Ryle escapes the situation more than I do. Also, Caris recieves the angst ball.

#29 Sir Exal

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Posted 18 May 2010 - 02:15 PM

Part the Twelfth: Lighthouse in the Attic

Hurrah, a consensus! Fina it is! Hmm, is it ethical to make a girl to like me via magic?

Enh, who cares? Fina, get over here so I can slam three Love Potion #9s down your throat.

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Okay, rather, the love potion works by sprinkling it into the air and over all members of your party, so I raise a couple Caris and Mariel’s attraction a little while I’m at it. It also raises it a random amount from one to three, but I have enough. And, judging by their reactions, it ain’t comfortable. It is a bit of a mind-*insensitivity*, after all. Mariel gasps, “What kind of phenominum is this?” Fina’s the highest now, at 29.

Anyway, there’s two ruins within walking distance of the exit of the cave, but, of course, Ryle says that we have no business there and thus refuses to enter the treasure-chocked areas. This is why the plot has to be so awkward, because the PCs refuse to explore even the littlest bit!

Whats-its-face castle is across the bay from here, so we enter the port city of Sea Mar Port. Sea hurts, sea scars, sea wounds, Sea Mars, I guess.

The shops sell good items, so let’s wander around for a moment and talk to the NPCs--

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Screw that, never mind! My fault for trying! Let’s just get the plot advancing before I hurt something.

I go to the ferry, but find that, naturally, they aren’t sailing. Apparently the nearby lighthouse is occupied by monsters.

Mariel: Occupied? Not enough workers over there?

Hayami: Not the “busy” occupied, but the “taken over” occupied.

Marie: Oh, that occupied~

Caris: (You two stop embarrasing us)

Awww, look at that, it tried to make a funny. How precious. And the voyage apparently takes a full day and the lighthouse wards away sea monsters as well. In case you can’t tell…

Fina: The bottomline is… “Somebody must free the lighthouse” …Isn’t it?

That’s railroading for ya! They decide to mount an invasion of the lighthouse, the sailor doesn’t think we can and Caris, as she is wont to do, attacks him.

Fina: Enough of talking. Can we go now?

Ooh, Fina’s getting dangerously genre savvy. Or just impatient with the game. Good choice, guys.

Ryle: By the way, can you tell me how to get in? Also, how to use the light?

Message: Ryle learned how to enter the lighthouse & the methods using the light.

Apparently, yes.

Ryle: Orubia, have you memorized?

Orubia: Yup!

“Good, ‘cause I have no attention span whatso--shiny!”

Ryle: Yoshi! (ok) Take off!

Yo’ clothes?

I venture to the lighthouse, Mariel, Fina, and Caris in my party just for variety.

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This sign somehow creates an impenetrable barrier, and so we have to head to the basement to get to the top of the lighthouse. Well, it’s not the most nonsensical thing in this game.

The lighthouse is fairly linear and actually quite uneventful given the precedent. Some of the enemies are tougher than before, but nothing to be overly impressed at, but most of them we’ve actually seen in prior dungeons, and are just as wimpy.

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In that order? I dunno, man, my life is pretty damn sucky. Don’t know why you’d want it.

Moving along, eventually we encounter a pair of knights.

Ryle: !! So they are the ones occupied the place!

Blue Rogue: Intruders!!

Well, now, these aren’t monsters at all! And they don’t look much like air pirates either. (Kudos if you get that reference.)

They’re no tougher than any other foes in the area, and they‘re pretty weak against EARTH attacks, which, oh lookie, I just got with Mariel. I have to switch Latyss in temporarily to get past a few random wind barriers, and traps that coulda used Hayami pop up occasionally to annoy me. Other than that, there’s just more Blue Rogues.

Ryle: Don’t expect they would let us pass.

Blue Rogue: One more step…we attack!

Ryle: !!

Suspenseful, this ain’t. And yet, when they’re defeated…

Ryle: These fighters…their eyes are not evil…

I’m not sure how he saw their eyes in the first place. Wandering on…

Hmm, what a conspicuous pool of water.

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Oh, probably because you’ve done something in a past life you have to atone for. Or just because nothing can be easy in this game. Abruptly, the black platform starts moving away from Ryle, then, for no reason, stops mid-trip.

Ryle: What…the!? The platform…it’s moving!

Keen grasp of the obvious, kupo. There’s a Blue Rogue on the opposite side who has flipped the switch.

Blue Rogue: Your fate ends here!

“Assuming you don’t flip the switch on your side…or swim across…or…”

Ryle: No!

Hayami: !! Not so fast!

Ryle: !! Hayami! What are you…!?

Bang Bang… (The exclamation points, get it?) Hayami emerges from my body and leaps onto the platform, after which it moves to the other side.

Blue Rogue: What the hell?

“No! My foolproof plan has somehow failed!”

Hayami: Out of Sessha’s way! You’ve already failed.

Blue Rogue: We are professional fighters! Fight to the death is our way!

“Oops, union break.”

Hayami: !!?

Punctuation: it’s close enough to dialogue. I beat the Rogue with Hayami and a few lightning attacks, and he dies with a “Gaarg!”

Hayami: Pro mercenary? Could it be…?

Could it be…we’re not going to find out what you’re referring to?

Hayami: Not now!! I’d better send back the platform!

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Well, that’s another dull, pointless interlude down.

While I complete the rest of the dungeon, I’ll mention Mariel’s abilities. She’s at level 15 when she joins us, and besides having Earth spells, which no one else can learn, she also has Raise already, which is just nice to have. She’s low on MP, but it’s a small crutch. She’s fun to use, it’s just such a shame she’s so annoying…

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I get up to the top and confront either the hermitic lighthouse keeper or the boss of the Blue Rogues. I should mention that there’s no stairs from those other stairs from the entrance…I wonder how everyone else gets up here.

????: Ho~? You were able to break thru all our traps. Not bad…kid.

Caris: Don’t move! Resistance is futile.

Whoops, who let a Borg near Caris?

Hayami: Should you realize by now that you don’t stand a chance alone…!


Latyss: Tell us what is your purpose of cutting the route between here and Meldia!

Orubia: Why you have to do such bad deeds?!

Mariel: Is it really that bad?

Ryle: (Come to think of it, I didn’t have to bring Mariel here!)

And yet, you did. Dumb game.

Fina: Your life will be spared if cooperate with us to reactivate the lights.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Give me a chance to speak here! One at a time, please!”

????: We are pros! No way we will surrender! I am Gonzales. The leader of Blue Rogues.

Hayami: The Blue Rogues!? They are the famous mercenary group similar to the White Shinobi!

…With powers comparable to White Shinobi. What powers, you ask?

Obviously, Hayami and the group feel bad about kicking his ass, since he’s just following orders, but who gives a damn about that? Let’s you and me fight!

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…It’s a Gundam!!

Ryle: Surrender or else!!

Caris: Can’t believe you calling this sort of illegal activity…a “job”!?

…What illegal things? Stopping imports/exports? What? You’ve killed more people than they have!

Fina: Don’t stop us! If we don’t reach Meldia soon, terrible things will happen!

“Our mail won’t be delivered!”

Mariel: You are a bad boy! Shame on you!

Who told you that you were allowed to talk, Mariel?

The most interesting thing about the fight that follows is that he occasionally casts Silence, which is actually troublesome. But Gonzales is defeated in short order.

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He angsts about the fact he’s lost both his mission and his reason to live, not to mention saying a horrible person so we don’t feel bad about kicking his ass. Ryle tries to convince him he still has a chance to change like the cliché RPG hero he is, but Gonzales is then hit and exploded by a lightning ball.

????: ….Since you can’t even complete a simple task, you don’t “deserve” a painless death~

Ryle: That voice… It’s him!

Yes, Raymah appears, and why Gonzales thought working for an obvious demon was a good idea…well, it just doesn’t speak well for the Blue Rogues. That looked a hell of a lot like teleporting, y’know.

Caris: It was you behind all this!! Now that's cheap, using others without fighting by your own!

…No, that’s smart. It’s what leaders do.

Raymah: As you wish my lady! It would be my pleasure~

Ryle: !! Watch out!! Caris!

Caris: Ah!?

Ryle pushes Caris out of the way and is hit by an explosion meant for Caris. …Or at least as well as that can be depicted in RPG Maker, which is not well. Everyone yells in shock in different ways, Latyss letting out a confused “What?” Except Caris.

Caris: …Ouch! Why did you push me all of a sudden?

Once again, these characters don’t seem to hear anything they’re not looking at.

Raymah: Well well, I didn’t expect the 2nd prince would become your human shield…How noble…Kekeke!

“Oh, sorry, just thought of something funny I saw on Two and a Half Men last night!”

Caris: Ryle!!! Noooo!!

Mariel: Mr. Ryle!!

Snake? Snake? SNAAAAAAAKE!

Hayami: This…CAN’T BE!!!

Latyss: …*collaps on knees*

Ouch. Have you ever tried to do that?

Caris: This can’t be happening! Come on someone tell me! This isn’t true right!? How could…

You know, someone might check on Ryle before making all this fuss.

Raymah: Kekeke! Excellent job you did! Lady Caris!

Fina: Raymah…!!!


Raymah: Oh please~, I am not responsible for any of this directly. Like I said previously, the green dragons were due to my commander’s order, and this time I was merely aiming at that lady. *shrugs* So don’t blame me for everything bad happening in your life~ Being a Mahzok alone isn’t easy you know~

FLARE, if you’re gonna do an Hannibal Lecture, it has to make a lick of sense. Fina stands up and threatens the thing and, being all mahou-ifed, plans to fight him single-handedly.

Mariel: You gonna fight alone!?

Most logical thing she’s ever said.

Fina: If we all fight this guy, who will take care of Ryle?

…The two or three girls not actually fighting? Oops, tried to apply logic to this game again.

Fina: I’m gonna punish you!! Because! You made me angry for REAL this time!

So, Fina Vs. Raymah…FIGHT!!

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You know what? This isn’t a battle, as I bet you can tell; this is just another damn cinema scene with battle milieu. I’m not going to even bother. Raymah and Fina yell at each other a lot, Fina gains a new move, Divine Impact, the strongest move thus far hitting him For Massive Damage, Fina’s not-mentioned-before and never-mentioned-again aura of power stops Raymah’s regeneration and lowers his already pathetic stats, not to mention completely refills her HP/MP every turn for no reason. I use Divine Impact two dozen times, Fina defeats him, and she gets experience for what was basically a dialogue where I had to push Enter about nine times as much.

It’s not even worth complaining about anymore.

#30 Sir Exal

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Posted 18 May 2010 - 02:16 PM

Fina: This is what you get for making fun of us!

Aw, now that’s not reconciling with the bully…He tries to escape, but, of all people, Caris stops him, as he’s apparently remembered he shouldn’t be able to teleport.

Caris: Sorry Fina, I have to kill him no matter what!


Raymah: You think little girl like you can beat me? Even with this injury, I don’t think so!!

Fina: Caris! Watch out! He got long range attacks!

Which would be a problem, if she wasn’t right next to him.

Raymah: Too late! DIE!!

Raymah attacks, and Caris…teleports? out of the way. I’m not kidding. She just disappears then reappears. Tsundere power, I guess.

Caris: ………

Raymah: !? But how!?

Fina: Woe…!? What a speed!

Yeah, stop trying. She warped out of the way. Caris silently attacks with another new move and kills Raymah in an attack that apparently destroys all of her surroundings.

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Caris: Ray Cluster… Be gone….forever!

Raymah: Bakana!! (This can’t be!!) I can’t be beaten by a human girl! Arrrrrrrg-

So Raymah explodes and we remember the critically wounded main character over there.

Mariel: !? Miss Latyss? I can’t feel his heart beating

Latyss: Ah!? Yes it’s still beating, but it’s very weak…

…I’d like to point out the elf who has lived in backwaters all her life seems to know more about the body than the effing scientist. Then again, she is just a “gadget.”

Fina: I can hear it! Thank goodness, the attack barely missed his vital areas!

It was an explosion! How the hell does that work?

Latyss: But it’s not over yet! He’ll die if we leave him like this! Heal isn’t doing anything!

For no reason whatsoever!

Fina: Even your magic can’t heal his body!?

Orubia: This is bad! His vital signs are too weak! Body’s natural healing has stopped.

This is what the medical community refers to as “boned.”

They decide to take him back to Fina’s house, as Latyss recalls reading a book about a mountain near the Delstars‘, Mount Meldia, with healing “Paramekia Roots.” Everyone runs out and Latyss gains permanent use of Super Aero Slicer for no goddamn reason at all. I won’t bore you with how I walk back to Fina’s, but after I do, the message “Caris & others safely carried Ryle back to Fina’s home.” pops up, as if I didn’t just do it myself.

As Flare and the rest attend to the unconscious Ryle, Caris is brooding as it’s kind of her fault for ignoring the incoming attack.

Flare: Caris, don’t let it get to you. Men are always trying to protect us. If he didn’t, he would have to regret it for the rest of his life.

Oh, how silly my gender is.

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So everyone frets, Mariel is stupid, and no one knows quite what to do until finally the only slightly intelligent woman here takes charge.

Flare: Orubia and Latyss stay here and use healing spells on him while taking turns continuously.

Just keep hitting your heads against that rock, girls.

Flare: Caris, Fina…and Mariel, you three go search the medicine.

Hayami: !? Please wait! What about Sessha?

Flare: In case of emergency, you have to wait here and stand by.

Sessha-girl gets dismissed. Ninja-pwnd.

Hayami: Sessha…got it.

Everyone’s worried about Caris blaming herself, but more worried about keeping the Paramekia Roots safe.

Flare: Paramekia Roots grow on top of mountain, in worst cases try to run all the way down!

Fina: Got it mom! I’m good at diversion tactics so don’t worry about it!

Flare: Such over confidence makes me to worry about you the most

Way to be a supportive parent there.

Mariel: Everything will be just fine! I’ll be with them as well!

“Who are you again?”

The trio of girls prepare to go as Orubia and Hayami stare at Ryle in bed and Hayami pretends she’s doing something useful.

Orubia: Please be hurry! Don’t know how long we can last!

Latyss: All we can do is slowing down his conditions from getting worse, so please hurry!

Our English is falling apart as we speak!

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I skedaddle over to Mount Meldia, having nothing else to do. Remind them to teach someone else to sail the boat just in case this happens again.

The mountain path is weaving and inconvenient, but short. I encounter another roadblock in short order, this time in the form of, holy crap, a giant rock.

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Caris: This is nothing! I’ll destroy it with my Ray Cluster!

Fina: Hold it there! If you overdo it, the whole range might collapse!

Really? They seem to think the whole mountain’s made of Jenga blocks.

Caris: …How could you say that? We don’t have time for this!

Mariel: How bout climbing over this rock instead?

No, that makes too much sense.

Fina: Are you serious? You can climb?

Mariel: … Hmmm…

Fina: So? What’s the answer? Can you do it or not?

Well, as she has opposable thumbs, four useable limbs, and the rock appears to be sloped and about ten feet tall at the most, so I’m going to say…yes?

Mariel: I guess I can’t~ Sorrie

I’m not going to say anything here. Nothing at all. Fina punches Mariel, doing what we all want to do and then Caris just says screw this roadblock. Good thing too, I am NOT going back to pick up Hayami.

Mariel: Miss Caris? Are you trying to lift it up?

Caris: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Ooh, did I just break the message board?

Fina: Whaaaaaat!!?? She actually lifted the rock!!

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With her telekinesis, apparently. Caris force-tosses the rock away and nominates this scene for most pointless ever.

Caris: Hey you two! Let’s get going! Chop! Chop!

Fina: O-oh, sure! I’m coming! (What is she? Daughter of Chyna?) (by/WWE)

“I made a reference so it’s funny!”

A little higher, Caris angsts a little more to create the illusion of depth, and we wander on, finding items only findable by looking into the code. Finally, we reach the top, with a patch of grass they immediately identify as the roots(?) in question. Caris picks some.

Caris: Better put into the inner pocket for safekeeping.

Fina: Woe! (Caris’ breasts are quite big too)

Woe! Woe! Alack! Alack! Yon ocean-haired maiden is blessed with the bounty of Aphrodite, and I can but only follow her tract!

…Nah, even Shakespeare can’t help this.

The group’s about to head back, when it begins to rain. Oh no, the ninjas are here again! But no, worse!

Caris: All the Paramekia Roots! They’re rotting away!?

Mariel: Then this rain must be!

Fina: It’s “Acid Rain”!

Damn you, industrialism! Call Captain Planet! Fina puts up a Force Barrier to shield the vital herb and their clothes.

Fina: It’s a spell! The acid rain rots and eats away everything in contact!!

????: Correct.

An armored…something…appears before them. <Captain Planet Villain>! I knew it was you!

Graphost: I am the general of Mahzoks, Graphost. Welcome to my “territory”, Tempest. This “territoty” is my specialty. You shall be trapped in here and soon rotting alive!

Dammit, he teleported! Why can’t he keep this--Ugh, I’ve got to stop, I’ll drive myself insane.

Fina: Tsk! So you used the medicine as baits to lead us out here!

“Uh, no, actually, you came to me. It’s not like I knew your friend was injured. I didn’t even plan this--No, you know what? That sounds good. I did that.”

Caris: I can’t believe you would attack us at a time like this!

“The second after we got the crucial item and put it away safe from your move that would destroy it!”

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So, they can’t run out because they’d lead the Mahzok I’ve already forgotten the name of to Ryle, once again vastly overestimating his importance, and the rain endangers the root and makes Caris’s fire useless for no reason. At least they’re safe to talk about it right now.

Fina: The only thing left to use is my Divine Impact…

Mariel: I’m not sure if my gadgets will be effective against the Mahzoks, I’ll try them.

Caris: (What am I doing here? I can’t help out anything!)

If it makes you feel better, Caris, you’re all pretty useless.

Graphost: Once you fell under my “territory”, there’s no way out! You are finished!!

All hope seems lost! This is a job for…

A really obvious Deus ex Machina!

Yes, Flare teleports in, decked out in Dragoon wear. The rain stops, as she’s--uh, I don’t know how Flare does it, it’s not explained.

Fina: Why are you in Valkyrie outfit?


Flare: It’s obvious isn’t it? This Mahzok is too strong for you girls to handle yet.

Caris: But you’ve been out of battles for too long! Your body can’t keep up now.

“Oh, for Crissake, I’m 38, not 90.”

Flare: Fighting is not entirely depend on body alone. You have to rely on all 5 senses!

…I fail to see how your smell and taste will help here.

Sigh, anyway, Flare destroys Graphost with very little effort, showing off a few moves while we’re at it. Good thing too, I woulda hated for this to end in an actual interesting boss battle!

That minor distraction brushed aside and forgotten, Flare moves to us.

Flare: I didn’t want to help you girls But Ryle’s condition just got worse, he needs the medicine now!

“I would have rather that random beast killed you all, but we can’t be lucky sometimes…” We can’t warp back with her, because…

Flare: My warp is different from Ryle’s You need the immense will power to withstand the Dimension Leap. In worst cases, you all might get irreversable mental defect, and the medicine might get ruined.

Not the medicine!!

Flare warps away, and we have to walk back down the mountain. Sure enough, when we reach the house, the message summarizing what I just did pops up again. Darn it, game.

Flare mixes the herb into a drink and makes Ryle drink it.

Caris: Ryle…




Fina: Please work~ *praying anxiously*

Mariel: He should be fine…





Oh frick, this is going to be long.[/I]

There’s no change, but Fina knows the Paramekia is too strong to have had no effect. Which means…

Fina: Can’t…be…cured?

Flare: But I can see his heartbeat got stronger and faster, which means his mind is also getting stabilized. If even his mind is damaged, the signals from the brain to the heart would have been cut off. Then his heart will stop beating. He would be dead by now.

“I took high school health twice!”

Flare: Right now he’s still fighting with himself inside. So it’s upto his will to live.

And, of course, this being a video game, you know that isn’t a metaphor. Chorus, what say thee?

Caris: Ryle…

Orubia: Please come back… You always run off alone, but then you would return to Lavas no matter what…

Through requirement, I’ll have you know.

Latyss: She is right…

Hayami: Ryle Dono will make it! Just like he always did!

Fina: Now you’re talking.

Caris: I believe in him too…that he’ll come right back to us!

Mariel: Yay!

“I’m part of the group now!”

Flare: All we can do now is praying for him to come back safely!

…He’s unconscious, not going to Afghanistan.

Fina: Then how bout we head for Meldia now?

“After all, if we just showed one thing, it’s that we don’t need Ryle in any way, shape, or form.”

Almost everyone disagrees (in turn, goddammit), as if Ryle woke up soon, Ryle would have to follow them alone. And while Fina could try to talk to the king and queen using Flare as point, there’s one eensy problem with that…

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This wasn’t important enough to mention before…why?

Hayami: But the King Zestrum of Meldia has such good reputations! Who would do such a thing?

Flare: Obviously the bad guys wouldn’t let go of him…

Never let me goooooo…

Mariel: How could this happen…

Latyss: That’s why we need Ryle to make the contact with the king.

“We can’t get in with the Messiah’s name, so we need to use the name of another king’s illegitimate son he’s never told anyone about to get in!” Gah thisgamemakesnosense. They realize they can’t go without him, but know they won’t have to wait long.

Latyss: Indeed he solved the cases in both Southern Cray and the capital.

I have no idea what that has to do with anything, but okay.

Fina: It’s best to wait for him now.

Mariel: I don’t know many things, but being with everyone is so much fun!

And the discussion disintegrates once again.

Orubia: That’s right!

Mariel: Miss Orubia… *tearful eyes* Finally I met someone who really understands me~!

Why are you even HERE? Eventually…

Caris: (Ryle…everyone’s waiting for you…Please wake up soon…)

*Bloobloobloo, bloobloobloo, bloobloobloo, bloobloobloo*

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Hmm. I’m beginning to think that root was a bit less medicinal and a lot more hallucinogenic than the group thought.

NEXT TIME: Memories…at the corners of his mind…

[Is it just me, or did this part have the most occurrences of pairs of punctuation marks used as dialogue?]

#31 Sir Exal

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Posted 01 June 2010 - 01:31 PM

Part the Thirteenth: Mind-Meldia

Picking up immediately when we left off…

Ryle: Mm! I feel like as if I have lost some of my memories…can it be?

Rather specific feeling there, Ryle. Amazingly accurate too.

Message: Ryle’s mental stability got disrruped and his memories scattered as a result.

I’d think being in this game would do that.

Message: Please collect all 3 Memory Fragments. And you got 5 minutes to collect all the fragments and reach the uppermost door. Oh, and if you suddenly got an urge of going somewhere, just PAUSE the clock by opening the main menu 

Ryle comments “I don’t know who was talking,” which still isn’t funny.

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You can fall to the next platform down at the arrows, in a rather pathetic attempt at faux 3-D. The tiny little flames flying around reduce your time by ten seconds, while the clocks, one of which appears after I get every Memory Fragment, restore 30 seconds.

The chests hold something that Ryle manages to immediately recognize as one of his lost memories. Something else crammed inside the chest (are you aware how small chests actually are?) is possessive about it, demanding to keep its dinner. Forgetting to check whether that particular memory might be painful and perfectly fine to be devoured, Ryle demands it back and we fight.

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Well, what ELSE would be eating memories? He’s defeated in three Togahzans, and I regain one of my precious memories--oh, dammit, it’s that one where I fell in the mud in front of everyone!

As I run around, there are, sure enough, occasional random battles. Half of these against “Bad Dreams,” black spheres with glowing red eyes, mainly there just to delay me, as they go down in two hits, and I still have my full inventory with me, somehow. The other half of the time…

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Flare: So you’ve been here after all. You are now standing inside your own mind.

Ryle: Is that possible? Being trapped inside of the world created by myself.

Probably not, kid, but roll with it.

Flare: Looks like there’s some troubles coming ahead.

Flare’s not even paying attention. Ryle asks for help besting the Memory Eaters, and Flare responds that it’s risky enough being here, that attacking or whatever might completely lobotomize him. She then hands over a “Memory Protect.“

Ryle: What’s the use?

I’ve asked myself that several times during all this, Ryle.

Flare: It can delay the time for you to collect the fragments, so use them to increase the TIME LEFT.

“It turns out I had a pile of them in the cupboard, sitting behind the flour, so I figured, hey, I’m not using them…”

No, it’s never quite explained how she gets in your mind or what the hell the Memory Protect is, but If you’re looking for rational explanations, you’re playing the wrong game.

Naturally, between the clocks and getting a Memory Protect every 14 steps, you’d actually have to TRY to run out of time. So I dash around, inflate and deflate a cushion to bounce higher and lower, get all three fragments, learn a new move, and get to the door. Whee. But there needs to be what passes for a climax to this part of the story, so blocking the way out of …my head? Unconsciousness? Freudian subspace? The monolith? Screw it, there’s a Soul Eater.

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Psychedelic Pscythe! If you’ll recall from part 3, the Soul Eater is near invincible to nonmagical attacks. Which, oops, is all Ryle has. I defend for a couple turns and wait for the deus ex machina.

Fina: Ryle! Are you still alive!?

There it is! The girl with highest affection rating shows up, and we’ve got Fina, so…

Ryle: Oowa! Fina!? Baka! (idiot) Don’t come here!!

Little late for that...

Ryle: Baka! (stupid) Our opponent is a GHOST!!

Fina: What? Noooooooooo!!

Great job, Ryle. She was doing fine ‘til you mentioned it.

Ryle: Get behind me Fina! I’m not sure how you came here, but go back quickly!!

Get thee behind me, Fina!

Fina: T-Then, why would I risk so much to come here at the first place? Gotta stay here a-and fight… Maybe I can kill it with just one shot of my Divine Impact…

Ryle: Tsk! I’d better make sure she doesn’t run away in the middle of fight…

Divine Impact’s one of the best spells right now, and defeats SoulEater in three episodes…er, turns. Fina, somehow really here, talks after the battle.

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Ryle: But you shouldn’t push yourself too hard, I mean you were facing the ghosts you know?

Or a man in a lousy Halloween costume. One of the two.

Fina: What are you saying! I helped you to win didn’t I?

If by “helped,” you mean, “Was the sole damage-dealer.”

Ryle: Of course you did! But what if you ended up frozen by the fear?

Fina: How would I know there would be a Soul Eater in your mind?

Uh, I thought it was a foregone conclusion! Doesn’t everyone?

Ryle: Then you just came here without any plans? It’s not like you!

Fina: But I had to! I can’t just lose you without doing anything!

Pardon, your slip is showing…

Ryle: Fina…

Fina: B-Because we are…comrades! Right?

Backpedal! Backpedal!

Ryle: Fina………

Fina: Caris took it on herself and became so depressed. So did everyone. And I…

Ryle: I’m sorry.

So they get out of Ryle’s head, Xavier! Ryle wakes up in a dark, empty Delstar residence and immediately wonders where everyone is. He goes outside and finds Fina contemplating her navel in front of the Delstars’ pool.

At the start of this whole thread, I mentioned that when this game is good, it’s pretty damn great. Accentuate the Negative or not, I still haven’t shown you much of that. But here it is. The following scene, done with whichever girl helped you in your mind, is one of the sweetest scenes in the game, even, and especially, with Mariel. It makes me wonder who this new writer is, what happened to the old one, and why he can’t stay.

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Ryle greets Fina and asks where everyone is; Fina shows him a letter saying everyone cheesed out somehow between the time Fina went all Madame Cleo on Ryle and the time he woke up.

Ryle: What were they thinking? I mean what if we lost to the Soul Eater?

Fina: I know! I never expected the Soul Eater to be waiting for us!

It’s a video game thing, don’t worry about it.

Ryle: Come to think of it, why did you do that? Barging into the other’s mind is a very dangerous thing to do!

Fina: Well…that’s because…

Ryle: I shouldn’t say this since you saved me, but you could’ve been more careful!

Fina: But I just wanted to help you and there wasn’t much time to think over!

Sure there was! He wasn’t becoming more unconscious!

Ryle: You? The on ewho always think and plan in advance?

Fina: You think I can just calm down in “that” kind of situation?

Ryle: Fina…

Fina: Maybe to you it was so reckless, but I had no choice but to help! No, I didn’t want to lose you!!

Ryle: ……Fina.

Fina: Ah, I’m sorry. Shouting all of sudden…

Ryle: I’m sorry too. I would’ve done the same thing if I were you.

Fina: Ryle…

Ryle: Besides, helping a friend is not limited at when and where… But next time, don’t overdo it. Since you’re the brain of our team.

Being the brain of this team is like being the deepest-voiced member of the Vienna Boys Choir.

Fina: Since when you assigned me into the mind labor department?

Ryle: Your wisdom contributed the most in liberating Factoria! And we need it more in the future!

The pair agrees to work together to strategize, as they might be able to come up with one sane plan between them, and…

Fina: The Mahzoks reappeared. It wont be that east. So promise me one thing.

Ryle: ?

Fina: I don’t want to see another stunt like the one you did back in the lighthouse again.

Ryle: But if I didn’t jump, Caris might have been killed.

Without the tsundere, the harem just falls apart!

Fina: You just don’t get it do YA?!

Ryle: ……

Fina: I am fine with helping the others! But, you can’t just throw your life away all the time!

Ryle: Fina…

Fina: Because the ones left behind have to suffer thru the rest of their life!

Caris, however, is fully expendable.

Ryle: The loved ones left behind…

Fina: When my dad died, mom and I…. As well as many of his old friends were filled with sadness and pain. That’s what happens…when your loved one passes away.

Ryle: (I’ve never thought about that… Maybe it’s a different case when I die…)

Wait, no man is an island?

Ryle: Ah! (nods) I’ll fight to the end! And live to protect everyone!

Fina: Mm… *nod*

Ryle: So join us and support us!

Ryle: Of course…

And a actually sorta humorous dénouement…

Ryle: Ah…I’m starving after all the talking

And being nearly dead for a day.

Fina: It’s about time! Let me fix you something! Good for killing times!

What you just witnessed, folks, was character depth! Finally! And in case you’re wondering, they said each other’s name and nothing else 6 times in that series of scenes. “…Fina,” when you just can’t think of any other dialogue.

So fade out and to the next morning, where Ryle thanks everyone for their efforts and Hayami for standing around, and they welcome him back to the land of the living, Orubia and Latyss are kinda tired from all the healing magic, but they’re alright. Sylph is tired too, but it’s just funny to watch him complain, apparently.

Flare: Ryle, I’m sure you already know this that only you can see the king now.

Mariel: I was kind of wondering about that for some time, is Mr. Ryle some sort of high ranking official?

Ryle: Umm…how do I say this, I got means to see the king alright.

Oh, just tell her the truth. That makes it sound like you’re blackmailing the guy.

Everyone debates going to Meldia posthaste vs. taking a break first since Orubia and Latyss are apparently still tired. Mariel, of all people, points out that they do have the power to warp, so a long journey isn’t needed.

Ryle: Oh yeah, I almost forgot! Good job Mariel!

Jar Jar, you’re a genius!

Mariel: Thank you. Hehehe

Caris: So you are the sleepy head after all. How could you forget that~?

Fina: Yeah, maybe he is…

I didn’t see you two recalling Ryle’s magic power!

Flare reminds Fina about her own HYPER! SEA SICK! But the topic is immediately forgotten. You’re all the sleepy head.

Orubia: Anyway let’s go to Sea Mar Port first.

Flare: Yes, fortunately the ships are running now!

Ryle: Ok, let’s warp to Sea Mar Port, and head to Western Ernest!

Said it enough, guys?

Caris: Yeah, those two will recover fully on the way, so we should head to Meldia right away!

Mariel: Um~, could explain 1 more time?

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Everyone is shown to freeze in stunned horror with what she said. “…………,” says everyone.

Orubia: Kya! Why everyone got frozen?

Got me, Oru-chan, Maybe they all reached absolute zero.

Mariel: Eh~? Is it because of what I said? Is it my fault?

Message: Ryle and others stayed frozen for…30 minutes.

Goddamn it, it’s a metaphor. Sigh.

Before heading out, I talk to Hayami, who was thinking about something and was surprised by Ryle’s approach.

Ryle: You look like on something other than your trip to Meldia.

Crack, and lots of it!

Hayami: !!

Ryle: ?!

Hayami: Sessha am fine.

Your twin exclamation points say different, Hayami. I’m given a choice to pursue the issue or not. For once, you’re not supposed to keep talking and instead just trust her.

Ryle: (She’s been honest and sincere all this time. I’ll bet she’ll tell me later when it’s appropriate…) If you need help, I’ll be around. So don’t push yourself too hard, ok?

Hayami: Ryle Dono…

He reassures her again. This is worse than inspirational gospel.

Hayami: Thank you Dono. (Thank you for trusting Sessha…)

For cripes‘ sake, she even thinks like that? The whole scene raises her attraction to 30. Fina’s, meanwhile, went up 4 on the mind scene, so she’s crazy about Ryle as well. When I choose Fina in the Party Selection scene now, she acts like a crushing schoolgirl, saying “You want ME?” and “Um…ok, if you want me to…” If you rebuff a lovestruck Hayami, she mumbles “Hukaku (Regretful)…IS something lack from Sessha?” (Yes, a basic knowledge of any language!)

The voices from their heart or whatever:

Fina: I want him by my side…I can’t do anything without him…

Hayami: If it’s possible, Sessha want be with him not as Kuno Ichi, but as an ordinary woman.

Hmm. This might get awkward.

Before sailing west, young Ryle, I make a quick stop in a town near Rock Raise, where a stone says the hero Rain Excellize once stayed. Tourist trap. Oddly, the gravestone next to Fina’s house reads “Rain Delstar,” indicating that he took her name when they married. Huh.

Fina knows a secret passage to what is apparently Rain and Flare’s old love nest. I approach a chest, and when a hint tells me “ If you open it, an event with Fina will happen So you know what to do then~” I open it. Also, am vaguely creeped out.

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Fina: Probably mom sealed here her dream of marriage.

And, possibly, Zuul.

Fina: She would be happy during the wedding, but the reality constantly reminds her about dad’s illness… I think it was too much for mom to bear with…so she couldn’t have a formal marriage at the end…

Ryle: That’s why Lady Flare always tried so hard to be bright and happy…

…Well, Ryle, you completely missed the point. Missing it further, he suggests Fina take the ring.

Ryle: Because you are the child of these 2 heroes, and you know how it feels to lose someone very dear to you. You can’t avoid the sadness all the time, but you must go thru sarrow past to reach happiness. I am sure Lady Flare would think the same!

She’d also love for me to give more nonsensical monologues!

Ryle: If she really wanted to seal it for sad memory, she could’ve just thrown it away instead.

Fina: Ryle…

That’s seven, if you’re keeping score.

Ryle: And you better wear it to remind yourself not walking along the same path your mother had to go thru.

So don’t fall in love with a warrior or anything! So Fina steals her mother’s beloved possession, and Ryle gets liked more and more by her. For some reason.

We warp to Sea Mar, get on the ship, Fina complains, and we sail to the other port, where Gohu is waiting for us, having apparently beaten us here utilizing sheer plot contrivance…er, I mean, ninja powers. Gohu gives us a letter from Dyss (completely different, note, from the investigation we’re undertaking and from the letter we already have) to give to the king, once we see him. His part in the plot done, he vanishes.

We vacate port and head to Meldia, but we have to cross the Rave Bridge to get there. Oh dear, we have to cross a whole bridge of scantly-clad teens waving glowsticks and listening to bad techno?

No sooner do we begin to cross that a scene starts up. Latyss and Orubia are still exhausted, apparently, even though we took a day-long boat ride. In a scene that is once again entirely too long for its content, they decide to head back and catch some sleep at port.

But before they can make any of that scene worthwhile, Hayami hears something ahead.

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Three men, Thug A, Thug B, and Thug C are accosting a blue-haired girl. Well, she’s got a picture, so she must be important.

Thug B: Don’t play innocent here! We saw you waiting to be picked up, and here we are!

Girl in chinese dress: I was standing here just watching the scenery. Not waiting for anyone.

Thug: Tsk! Persistent girl aren’t ya? Then we’ll make ya to come with us!!

Rather articulate thugs, I must say. We pan over to Ryle and co.

Ryle: Oh no! That girl is being attacked!

Not sure how he hears them from this far away.

Caris: We must help her! Hayami, please go ahead and help her out!

The true mark of a leader there--her first instinct in a crisis is to delegate. Hayami goes to leap into action, but she’s still useless--the girl apologizes then uses a couple special moves to kick Thug B and C off the bridge. Where they presumably drown. Well, nicely done! No damsel in distress is she!

Thug A: Gottya! I’m not as weak as those 2, you bitch!!

Girl in chinese dress: Noooo!

Whoops, spoke too soon. Got her by that standard Female Grab Area. It’ll get you every time. Ryle and gang decide to stop being voyeurs and Hayami ninja teleports over to the girl and her thug.

Hayami: Release her!

Thug A: Arg! Who the hell are you?

I’m Thug A, who the hell are you?

Hayami: White Shinobi Hayami! Here to punish you!

In the name of the moon, presumably.

Thug A: Hehehe! Here’s another pretty chick! Ok, I’ll take both of you!

Girl in chinese dress: Thank you for saving me

Don’t count your chickens, Gicd.

Hayami: My master will arrive soon, so please don’t worry.

Ryle’s twenty yards down the bridge! So yeah. Hayami attacks, but the thug blocks the attack.

Hayami: This guy!! He’s much tougher than expected.

Ryle: Hayami’s losing!? We’d better help her out!! Caris, let’s go!

They’ve just been standing, chilling, but oh no, she’s losing, we can’t just watch now.

Caris: Fina, Mariel! Take care of these 2!

“…Yes, because that’s what I’m good for, babysitting. I’m not the world’s potential savior or anything.” So Ryle and Caris walk to Hayami’s aid, where the thug reveals that he is, in fact, a monster. Wait, did I load something else on accident and now I’m playing Breath of Fire again?

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Ryle: So what’s your real purpose for kidnaping her anyway?

Hayami: Please let us take care of this. You better run away.

“I’m sorry, do I look like the vapid ingénue character to you?”

Girl in chinese dress: No I can’t! I started all these!!

Hayami: We got used to fighting these monsters, so don’t worry.

“Y‘see, you look even more useless than Sessha!”

Girl in chinese dress: I’ll be alright! Let’s push him into the water!!

I, Ryle, will knock you all down! Of course, she’s probably used to this…it’s not like monsters don’t attack no matter where you go!

They chatter for a while more, and Caris learns yet another attack. This attack lowers defense as well, or as Caris threatens, “It’s more than just burn!” But after one attack…

Ryle: This guy…his defense is reinforced by some kind of magic!

Big Foot: That’s right! Now you realize you can’t win! Hahaha!

Girl in chinese dress: No wonder I felt little strange about my attacks having so little effects!

But…I thought she actually was creeped out…I never know what’s going on.

Caris: That’s even better! So I don’t have to worry about being too harsh on the weaklings.

No kill like overkill, Caris.

Hayami: This time you won’t get easy like last time!

Ryle: Let’s finish this guy.

This was not a good day for the translator.

You don’t have to do anything special to squash the sasquatch, but it is the hardest battle in a while, mostly because no one can do huge damage to it, especially Hayami and the guest, who don’t have big damage moves anyway.

Brief word about special moves: The characters do, in fact, have buff/debuff moves, but they’re spread randomly around the characters. Caris has Shield, Latyss has the elemental shield, etc. They’re only useful at bosses, so I haven’t mentioned them much.

Hmm…this is taking a while. You might want to grab a snack or something.

#32 Sir Exal

Sir Exal

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Posted 01 June 2010 - 01:32 PM

Finally. Big Foot’s beaten, and Caris Fire Bursts him into the ocean. Burning hair and wet fur, that’s the worst.

Caris complements the mysterious and completely innocuous warrior on her abilities, then we ask directions of her. She says that Meldia isn’t far, so we can just let Orubia and Latyss rest there and oh there’s the wacky music again…

Caris: Ok, I’ll carry Latyss.

Ryle: (Damn she moved first! I was going to choose her since she’s lighter…)

Caris: Hm? You look not so happy. Maybe Latyss is lighter and got bigger boobs?

…What, are her breasts filled with helium?

Ryle: I didn’t say that!

Caris: Pervert!

Ryle: No I’m not!

Girl in chinese dress: Then please let me guide you to the capital.

She apparently knows when to just ignore everything going on.

Hayami: Anyway let’s bring everyone here first.

…From twenty yards away.

Fina recognizes and is apparently friends with the blue-haired girl in a dress from a country that doesn’t exist.

Fina: It’s Her Highness! The first princess of Meldian royalty, Mina La Meldia.

Ryle: NANI~?!! (WHAT?!!)

Orubia: She’s the princess of Meldia?

Caris: Whatttt?

Why does Ryle say “Nani?” but not Caris?! WHY?

Latyss: Somehow we have very strong ties with the royalty.


Mariel: I’ve never seen a noble this close.

Ryle: (Dope! I’d better start using proper manners and formal stuff!)

“Guys? I’m shitting you, this is a girl I went to high school with.”

Mina: Oh, Fina~ We could have pretended as not knowing that.

I’d think they’d get suspicious when you went into the castle.

Fina: But sooner or later they’d find out, right? Not only that there’s another royalty here.

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Ryle reluctantly admits his heritage. This is not a well-kept secret.

Ryle: Oh please don’t misunderstand. Due to the political reasons, I had to leave my rank temporarily.

Political reasons?! Your dad screwed the maid!

Mina: Oh my! I’m sorry to hear that. You’ve been thru so much hard times…

“I assume.”

Ryle: But I feel so much relaxed and free. I like it this way…

Mina: Oh I see… Then what brings you to our Meldia this far away?

Fina: We can discuss that later after we got into the capital. Can we meet His Highness?

“Well, you’re a friend I haven’t seen in years, with a boy you say is a heretofore unknown illegitimate prince, and his apparent harem, so…okay!”

So they head out, but not before I have to choose between assisting Orubia or assisting Latyss. The hint says that whichever one I take will raise her affection. I take Orubia, as it’s less likely to create a moronic scene.

Orubia: But I’m alright.

Ryle: Oh come on, we are buddys right?


Yes, but that doesn’t mean I want to be carried!

Ryle: If you don’t hurry up, I’ll carry you on my chest!

How is that…even possible?

Orubia: Mm…Ok.

And for pressuring her until she gives in, her affection goes up. Ah, Japanese culture, I do love thee.

Ryle: Anyway we have to reach the capital and there’s no way back for now. And I can’t use Warp nor Orubia and Latyss in the battle.

A message warns me that I can only use Mina until I reach the capital, ”so don’t miss it.” I have no idea what I could possibly be missing.

And by the way, the shortest distance from the end of the bridge to Meldia? Eleven spaces. So don’t miss this chance to use a weak character with three worthless moves!

Ugh. Anyway, the local enemies are Witches and Tomb Robbers , which is odd as there’s no tombs anywhere around here.

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We see a lot of them from this point in the game onward. I also encounter that FLARE Bat again, and restart as to not witness the scene again.

As soon as we enter the city, Mina officially welcomes us to the area as princess.

Fina: (She’s the same as usual…being sincere and honest as ever….)

That bitch, how dare she be sincere and honest!

Everyone stares like the slack-jawed yokels they are at the city around them, even Latyss being impressed. Mina will send a messenger to let us into the castle tomorrow.

Ryle: Lady Mina, we came here for a very urgent matter, so please help us.

“I already said I would! Do you pay attention to anything I say--oh, forget it.”

Mina: Urgent matter!?

“Here I thought you were just tourists!”

Ryle: Yes it might involve the fate of the world, so please be noted and be ready for anything.

Mina: …I understand. I don’t know exactly what happened but I’ll try my best.

Ryle: Thank you my lady.

Mina: Please enjoy our city until then. See you all tomorrow

“And remember, what happens in Meldia Castle Town, stays in Meldia Castle Town.” Mina turns to the guards.

Mina: I am Mina La Meldia. I have returned.

“Milady, we’ve been over this. We’ve been on the job for a decade. We know who you are.”

Ryle: Alright, let’s spend a night at the in and prepare for the hearings tomorrow!

Oh, thank god, someone’s finally leveled a court case against this horror.

Caris: Yep! Nothing to do today!

Mariel: Well then Mr. Ryle… Would you go out with me? For a date?

Hmm…I’ll bet the girls see this as the silly, innocent suggestion it is react appropriately.

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I do hate being wrong. Though I suppose I am the guy with six women vying for my affection.

Mariel tries to act as peacemaker, Hayami doesn’t care, being the logical one, and we fortunately escape the situation without any horrible slapstick. Thank heaven for small favors.

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Meldia’s the biggest area I’ve been to thus far, with a large, beautiful, and completely pointless cathedral, and inns and shops twice as large as I’ve seen before.

Oh, hey, Mariel gets a scene here!

No, we’re not skipping it. I suffer, you suffer.

The item shop guy has a odd spiel going…If you don’t buy anything, his daughter cries or he cries or he tells his daughter she doesn’t get supper and it’s all very dumb. But…

Mariel: Umm~, I heard this store carries “T-Parts”. Do you have any left?

Hmm, for Mr. T, or for a T remover?

Manning: “Tea Pack”??

I think you’ll find that’s nothing like what she said.

Mariel: No I meant NATH T-parts. For guns…

Manning: !! Lady you have a GUN?

“There’s laws against concealed firearms in this city!”

Mariel: Yes I do. But it’s an old AT series model.

Manning: Is that the machinegun type “NATM 001”?

Mariel: Mine is “NATH 001”…an handgun type. My father had “NATM 001”, but he broke it during the “Demonic War”.

My grammar checker committed ritual suicide five parts ago. Just thought you’d want to know.

Ryle: (I have no idea what they’re talking about…)

Message: 1 hour later…

Mariel: And so I am looking for the up-grade module, “NATH T-parts“.

Ryle: (I can’t believe they talked for more than 1 hour!)

“As previously stated!”

Manning has the parts, Mariel says “Yippy,” but he wants to charge 75 thousand gold.

Mariel: But the part only cost 7500 Gold. Right? We used to sell these so I’m sure of it. I’m sure the price varies from store to store, but isn’t that too high?

Manning: HA HA HA~ It was just a joke, lady! A Meldian joke, please don’t take it seriously~

Mariel shows that high Appraise and Knowledge skills can substitute for Intimidate sometimes.

Ryle: (Right~, you were sweating all this time pal!)

Mariel: So it’ll be 7500 Gold right?

A choice comes up, but I know “People will hate you, Steve, if you’re too stingee.” What else am I going to use all this gold for?

Mariel thanks me for doing the only thing that can increase her weapons’ power, and at least it’s logical that attraction would go up there. Diamonds and gun parts are a girl’s best friend.

Message: NATH T-part bought! Usage: Up-grades AT model guns

Though I must say, while I don’t read Guns & Bullets or whatever, I’m not sure how parts can upgrade a gun like this, to shooting…twice? Eh, I guess a Technowizard did it or something. Girl’s already an anachronism.

By the way, the most expensive weapon in the store is only 1500 gold, so even that price was pretty damn insane. Selling my old crap goes a long way towards remaking it though.

After I go to the inn and the sleepy music plays, Ryle appears in front of the doorway, commenting he already got permission from the messenger to head to the capital. I’m simply thankful we didn’t take a whole scene for that.

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I wish they’d decide what culture they’re supposed to be basing this on. Mina’s in a Chinese dress, the enemies are Arabic in clothing, the guards appear to be Roman centurions and the castle décor is distinctly British.

The castle is HUGE. There are more NPCs, mostly guards and soldiers in training, in this castle than in most of the regions I’ve been to. Caris learns a new move from a book in the library, making three new moves since the lighthouse. Hmm. I get lost once or twice, but finally walk into the throne room. Everyone spreads out like a human peacock and introduces themselves.

King Zestrum: Welcome all of you to my castle.

Well, I guess you’re not fully a king until you’re Zestrumly King.

Queen Meldyss: Dear Fina, long time no see…

Fina: Yes, Your Highness. It’s been a month since I left Ernest.

Wait, what? What was she doing here? Wasn’t Ernest the name of the planet? Arrgh, I don’t know what’s going on!

Zestrum: What a party you got young man- * wink*

Want them?

Fina: (Oh, here we go again)

“Romancing Walker was filmed before a live studio audience.” Ryle hands over the letters, and for some reason the Mahzoks are the first thing they bring up.

Ryle: Not only that our Factoria is already under their control Your Highness.

“..Although, due to our patriarchy, the queen has no power whatsoever…”

Zestrum: We might be able to help Factoria if we could approach fast in forms of making treaties…

Didn’t Chamberlain say something like that?

Fina: That would be very difficult Your Highness.

Meldyss: Why dear Fina?

Fina: Because of the Mahzoks’ control, Factoria is politically unstable. So they won’t listen.

They won’t listen, to the prince, who single-handedly restored the proper monarch to power after his advisor imprisoned him.

Fina: Not only that, an high rank among the Mahzoks has infiltrated as one of Factorian royalty. Which made the situation much worse because no one would dare to go against her authority.

Yes, because the oppressed masses have never risen up against an unfair royal family before. Isn’t that right, Marie Antoinette?

Seriously, I just checked, the only thing the Queen has ever said in this game thus far is “I heard many bad rumors about the capital, but now it looks like they were wrong.” Fear the crazy demoness gone mad with power!!

Caris: So Meldia is the last stronghold against their domination of the world.

Latyss: And their forces’ mobility is far superior to ours, we don’t have much time to prepare.

Orubia: We don’t know their real objectives yet, we must be ready for all means of possible threats.

What domination? What forces? What THREATS? They’re demons, not the Soviets! They’re evil, they try to take over the world, and the last time they were repulsed by a eighteen-year-old girl and her boyfriend!

Fina: I’m requesting your support not as the daughter of the savior but as an High Valkyrie, Your Majesty. We have fought one of the Pure Mahzoks, and I realized their forces are to be reckoned with.

Zestrum: You mean even with the power of High Valkyrie, you had a hard time defeating them?

NO! It was a cinema scene disguised as a boss battle! For Craphost, we didn’t even get that! And if memory serves (and it does, and I tip), the Mahzoks coming in as Pure Mahzoks were supposed to have lowered their strength to that of a child! What is going on here?

Zestrum: …In that case, I must complete the search of Gaiares as quickly as possible

Fina: !? G-Gaiares?

Okay, this gets hard to understand and unspeakably dull, so apparently, this Gaiares was a huge floating city or perhaps country which magitek reactor failed and it plunged into the sea. King Zestrum knows about it, as he was the prince of Gaiares (apparently transferring his royalty credits over to a different kingdom) and is searching for it. Fina’s father is from there too, for some reason.

Caris: But what’s the use? The place IS a ruin now and it’s been under the water for so long.

“Yes, but my keg should still be fine.”

Meldyss: Did all of you know that the reactor made it possible for the city to float high above the sky?

Orubia: Yes, I read about it. It says that the reactor core generates the anti-gravity field. And because of it’s repulsion to the gravity, the entire city was able to rise into the sky.

Fina: I see! So the gravity field keeps water out of the place eventhough the entire city is in underwater!

Goddammit, none of that makes any fekking sense! Dammit, Fina, I thought you were the smart one! Ryle brings up the most obvious of the several problems with that.

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Zestrum: Simple There are more reactors in the city. One used for gravity field, and the other is for other similar purposes.

Fina: More than 1?

Zestrum: We had many reserve reactors in case the one we’re currently using has stopped working.

And you didn’t think that the one preventing your city from plunging thousands of feet into the sea was one of those reactors you wanted a backup for?!

Zestrum: The gravity field was also used for repelling the enemies away from the castle walls, sort of protection system.

Great! But…it…FAILED!!

Caris: Once we find the place we can evacuate the people over there! So they can be safe!

As long as they didn’t run out of food, or clean water, or oxygen, or anything minor like that.

Oh, christ, this is hard to read. Ryle and company seem to think they’re going to magical floating dippytown. and the king already has the materials to fix that important reactor.

Arrgh! You didn’t think it would’ve been a good idea to have the materials to fix the reactor in the city that was dependent on the reactor?!

They talk about Factoria for no damn reason for a tad, but soon go back to the Atlantis of idiocy.

Mina: Father, is there any other ways to locate the floating city?

Zestrum: Its gravity field cancels out most of magic, so tracing its magical energy is almost impossible.

(*wham* *wham* *wham*) I don’t know if these are translation errors or just normal stupidity, but I don’t care.

Zestrum: There’s still a warp device to Gaiares left after the “Demonic War”…

Mariel: You mean the one near the cave called Abyss?

Oh, god, I hated that movie.

Mariel: But the appearance of CHAOS has disrupted the subspace and all warp devices stopped woking ever since…

So they can’t make Chinese food anymore?

Caris: Tsk! This means we can’t use the warp devices to reach the city.

THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU MENTION THEM?! They finally, finally decide to not work together on Gaiares, as it’s all pointless. I can’t even remember why it was brought up. Zestrum decides to let Ryle use the title of prince so he can use divine right to wander wherever the hell he wants. How Zestrum has the power to designate royalty from other kingdoms is beyond me. He gives Ryle a Factoria Emblem he had lying around for some reason and a note to let me through by sea the tiny portion I can’t before. Then he calls on Hayami, pointing out she never officially was working for Ryle, and has no contract.

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Apparently Zestrum’s the union head around here as well.

Latyss: She didn’t have the time to go thru the proper procedures. So it’s illegitimate.

“Just like Ryle! Burn!”

Fina: But Your Highness, according to the rules, she can choose to act out of mission plan if she’s in danger!

She never was! Ryle just had the nearest boat! She was hungry for knowledge and he had a car!

Zestrum: That’s why I forgive all her violations so far, but she must make an official contract from now on.

Seriously, why does Zestrum care? Like, at all? Tax purposes or something?

Ryle: Then how about to postpone the deadline for the registration of new contract? I know that the rule states, “ the deadline varies with the current situation of the applicant.” The reason for the postponement, “Additional mission request from the client.”

Except for the fact that you’re not technically her client. That was the whole point, you idiot.

Zestrum: You can do that. Hm Hm Hm! Like father and like son. You are very shrewd. *thumbs up*

Well, I’m creeped out now.

Zestrum: I know you'll set the new mission as the search of lost city, so you can postpone the deadline pretty much indefinitely. Right son?

Ryle: ……

Zestrum: I’ll assign Hayami a new mission.

“Clean out my wardrobe.”

Zestrum: My request is… “Accompanying Prince Ryle in secret until the city is found.” And the deadline shall be set by me whenever I wishes to be. Agreed?

Ah, it’s good to be king, and live one‘s fantasies vicariously through other kingdoms‘ princes. Hayami accepts, and receives the title of Secret Agent, which is possibly the most inappropriate title ever bestowed.

Ryle: Your Majesty…

Caris: Yay~

I’m glad Caris came along, aren’t you?

Zestrum: As a king, I can not directly get involved. Once I do, the entire kingdom will notice the dire situation. It might cause mass hysteria.

“So my position is to keep the people as clueless as possible.”

Zestrum: You shall fight as an independent group and go moticate the public. You need to lead them into the movement against the Mahzoks.

But don’t, you know, tell them about the Mahzoks.

Zestrum: Which reminds me…when Flare began to fight as a Valkyrie, she was a commoner like everyone else. Maybe you are the new generation to save the world this time.

We are, we are…youth of the nation…

Ryle: I’m not sure if we can do that. But I just can’t let the Mahzoks ruin our homeland.

We are, we are…youth of the nation…

Meldyss: Everyone’s eyes…resemble to Flare’s back then. When our homeland was under attack…

Everyone stares into the screen and we’re finally done with this whole scene. Arrgh. I have such a headache right now. We return to the inn to…oh god…discuss our next moves.

Ryle’s apparently warped away and conversed with Flare for a second.

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That sound you just heard was the fourth wall weeping.

The group basically decides to go to the one area they haven’t yet: Leon Forest, north of here, by which I mean immediately west, and Rune Tri beyond. There’s that old warp gate to Gaiares there, but as previously stated, the thing’s broken, and it’s right next door anyway, so you’d think the king would have mined it for all the information it’s worth. They then immediately go back on that idea and think that they can just get the parts from it. Next to that last scene, this almost makes sense. They figure with demons on their tails, it’s better to just keep moving and do whatever. Everyone goes to bed. I skipped this entire scene, aren’t you just so happy?

Ryle wakes up during the night…or else just stands in his room until everyone else is asleep, there’s no dialogue to tell me otherwise. With nothing to do, he wanders outside.

Ryle: Damn~ some how I can’t get to sleep now.

Well, you’re standing outside. That might have something to do with it.

????: Somebody help!!

Ryle: !?…What’s going on?

A man runs onto screen. He must have been yelling insanely loudly to be heard from the entrance of the town.

Man: A girl went into the cave to east!! She’s going to get killed by the monsters!!

Ryle: [i]W-what? I’d better go rescue her!

…Must I?

NEXT TIME: Bunny girls and Kings of Leon.

#33 Sir Exal

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Posted 09 June 2010 - 01:14 PM

Part the Fourteenth: Tri, Tri Again

The message that pops up tells me to choose two girls to bring with me, as this will raise their affection level (“so don‘t miss this chance ^o^“). Best go with Fina and Hayami; I don’t need anyone else infatuated with me right now. The Valkyrie wandering around seems strangely unconcerned with the emergency, and a man near the entrance informs me that the aforementioned cave only appears at night. Convenient.

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I’m going to keep this whole Cave Story short; it’s one of the most remarkably pointless happenings in the game, and that is saying quite a bit. I dash through it quickly with few distractions and finally find the girl.

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Everyone responds in reasonable puzzlement and she yells for protection from the slime. Fina recognizes this as a girl named Romellia, and is quite annoyed that we came all this way for a slime.

Romellia: I said this one is very different from the regular slimes!

Fina: Cut the whining! No matter how I look at it, the slime is a slime!

“Your mortal danger infuriates me!” The slime is, quite reasonably, offended by this. After everyone expresses surprise that the thing can talk, he says he’s a underground informant called Hard-Boiled Slime- Jell O Papa god it hurt to write that. The team is again surprised by the fact he has a nickname, and even more so by the fact he recognizes Fina. They’re easily surprised this session for some reason.

Fina: Anyway, why were you stalking Romellia for?

Ryle: (Seeing someone actually having a conversation with a slime…it’s so odd…)

May I remind you not twelve hours ago a man transformed into a bigfoot right in front of you that your blue-haired tsundere friend threw fire at?

Jell O Papa: My client wants her autograph and that’s why I’ve been following her.

Everyone, including the player, is annoyed, Romellia gives the slime her autograph, he leaves. Fina has evidentially spent time around Romellia before and been annoyed by the pointlessness of the entire charcter as well. They argue for a bit.

Fina: Just being with this girl makes my blood pressure go straight up!

Romellia: You always take it out on me like this merely because my breasts are bigger than yours!!

So, Romellia wasn’t built in a day.

Fina: YOU~~ !! Oh yes~ You are so DEAD!!!

Take a drink. Not for a drinking game or anything, but because I think we all need one about now.

Hayami: Maybe I shouldn’t include this in my report.

“Then, sir, we did a lot of pointless stuff.”

Romellia joins the party for the very short journey back to town, again for no reason. She has a multitude of buff moves and attacks with a whip for some reason. Kink--oop, threw up in my mouth there.

Oh. Right, there’s a boss battle against a pair of Great Feet, palette swaps of the Big Foot. The bosses are, once again, invincible

Ryle: What? Not again! All my attacks have no effect!

Ryle read my mind.

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Romellia reveals her new move, Materia Force, which is the only thing that damages them. Not pictured: the fireballs turning into spinning blue squares and then exploding. Materia Force is of the ACIENT element that trumps all others, and that isn’t a spelling mistake on my part. While this is simple, I actually have to try again a number of times because of the bosses’ intense fondness for using moves that Stun the party and make them “fall in sleep.” Besides that, the things can heal themselves nearly as fast as Romellia can damage them. It feels more like luck beating this battle than anything else. If you don’t care to get to this point in the game, it can be properly simulated by watching any cinema scene in any game you have, then halfway through, rolling a d10 (if you’re reading this, I know you have one) and if you roll anything but a 10, hitting restart on your console. We get another Love Potion #9 for this, but Fina’s at 39 affection right now, and even I’m not sure how.

Game: Ryle told everyone in the city about Romellia’s rescue.

Really? Everyone? He woke up everyone, and told them that a random girl who had walked into the cave over there is now safe. Okay then.

I can just sum up the scene in the inn, because it’s perhaps more pointless than this entire thing has been already. Romellia’s apparently the daughter of yet another hero of the Demonic War, Mimi Festa, who was never brought up before and will never be mentioned again. They talk about magazines, Romellia’s taste in men, and Fina’s chest. This is turning into a slumber party. Romellia wants to come with us, as she has a picture and everything, but we shoo this secondary character away, as it’s too dangerous and Ryle was just dead three days ago blahedy blah. The next day, Ryle stands in front of the inn and announces “Ok! Let’s head to west…to Leon Forest!” Which is what we should have just done in the first place.

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Let’s strap Mariel, Latyss and Orubia for the inevitable magic traps to Ryle’s body this time. The enemies in Leon are actually kind of tough, especially given my underleveled Latyss and Orubia. We’re approaching the point where I need to choose a team and stick with it. The Oak Kings especially put up a fight, healing 50 HP each turn, but being weak to Ryle’s Tiger-based attacks (not kidding; that’s what they consider Togazhan) they‘re not tough.

Oddly enough, it’s Mariel who gets a new special move and another weapon upgrade in Leon. Guess Leon likes Meganekko too. Orubia learns Heal Field, the best healing move thus far.

But of course, we can’t get out of here without something happening, so…

Ryle: Just little bit further, we can get out from this forest.

“Good thing I used Mapquest!”

Caris: It’s getting cloudy.

Orubia: Yeah, it’s getting dark.

Hayami: Looks like it might rain soon.

Did we really need three characters to talk about the weather? “The sun will rise soon.”



Caris: Fina, what is it?

Fina: Don’t you feel it? Similar thing happened back in Mount Meldia…

Caris lifted a rock with Jedi power?

Mariel: You mean that Mahzok in dark armor!?

I’m not sure violet counts as “dark” but okay.

Ryle: What are you talking about? I thought you girls already beat that guy.

Fina: Actually mom was fighting him alone, and we couldn’t even move.

“It was pretty pathetic, actually.”

Fina: The Mahzoks also can warp back to their realm instantly, so it’s possible that guy is still around.

“To be honest, the rules for killing demons have never made any sense.” Sure enough, the rain starts falling and plants are wilting, or at least that’s what the dialogue indicates. Orubia uses Dispell Traps, which for some reason creates another shield, and Graphost appears again.

Graphost: You wont get lucky like last time!

“I turned off the automatic Deus Ex Machina switch!”

Caris: Man, when this jerk will ever go away!?

Mariel: What are we gonna do? Miss Fina, we’re right back into the same situation.

Shh! You’re not supposed to point out that the game is repetitive! Latyss tries to get Sylph’s React Wind to work, and when it doesn’t, decides to add her own power to it.

Fina: Stop it Latyss! We can’t fight without you!!

Latyss: Fina…

Hayami: Sessha thinks so too. From now on, we must gather our strengths into one!

“Let our powers combine!”

Everyone frets for a little while longer, and Graphost is apparently just standing there watching the whole thing.

Mariel: I don’t think my gadgets can make any openings on that “territory”.

Ryle: Holes?

Yes, it’s an okay book, but I have no idea what that has to do with anything…

Ryle: Fina! I got an idea!

Ignoring the fact Mariel didn’t actually say, “Holes.”

Ryle: I want you to… Got it?

Fina: Waa!? Are you serious? It’s TOO risky!

“It’s a thinly-veiled deus ex machina! It has to work!”

Ryle: Just do it! Orubia can’t hold much longer!

Fina: But I won’t be responsible if things gone bad alright?

“In fact, I’ll be dead and not responsible for anything!”

Fina: Force Barrier-! Come and protect us!

Graphost: That won’t get you to nowhere, this time you all gonna rot to death! MwaHahaha!

Only slightly less threatening than Skeletor.

Ryle: Everyone get down-! Here we go! WARP-!!

The entire party and their two-layered magic shield rises up, or, as always, maybe north, into the air, then stops, explodes, and makes a glass-breaking noise. Ryle and company return to the ground, but the rain has stopped.

Graphost: I-Impossible!! How could a simple warp spell break my Tempest!?

Ryle: Yes!! It worked!

Caris: Yeah, but why?

If you don’t know, there’s no way I can help you there.

Everyone congratulates Ryle or complains that the life-saving maneuver was a little rough.

Ryle: Now, it’s our turn!

Mariel: Oui! (Yes!)

Incorrect Gratuitous French, too?

Threaten, threaten, determined, fight.

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Ryle: We must make as many shots as possible before he uses “Tempest” again.

Latyss: I don’t think he can make another “territory” that quickly…let’s finish him fast!

Mariel: Still little bit of headaches, but I can fight, don’t worry about me.

I can assure you I won’t.

Orubia: I’ll teach you a lesson! Magical Octagram-!!

It feels like I’m in a comic book. Still, it’s been a long time since an earnest epic boss battle like this, and it actually feels pretty good, even if after the first round of buffing, it’s repetitive. Big Body, Small Head starts unleashing Thunder Blade, which kills anyone but Ryle in one hit, and even goes nuts when you whittle his health down enough and uses “Disaster Eyes” putting everyone’s health in the peril ranger before attacking…more than once, but both Orubia and Latyss have excellent healing moves.

Overall, the most satisfying boss battle in quite a while, if ever. Who’s next?

Graphost: Grrrrrrrrrr! How could I lose to these puny human kids~!! Argggg!!!

Meddling…kidddds!! Graphost, like everyone else in this game, explodes. Fina is troubled, however. In bounds of illogic, Fina’s confused why Graphost was still following them after they were in Meldia, and it couldn’t be to stop their search of Gaiares as the Mahzoks could destroy it somehow if they wanted to. Besides that, the two demons they’ve faced have been very different in their attacks.

Fina: That means the Mahzoks are divided into 2 separate forces.

Mariel: Two?

It’s a number between one and three, Mariel.

Fina: They sent one of them to occupy Factoria and the other to monitor our moves.

Until a couple weeks ago, none of you meant anything!! Really, why this is a revelation puzzles me. Do they really know so little about warfare that they thought all tactics are to the exclusion of all others? “The enemy is attacking! Oh good, now we don’t have to worry about spies!” Ugh. Let’s get out of here and hope whatever’s next makes more sense.

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Oh, god freaking dammit to Hell!!

This is a hidden room that’s really only accessible if you look into the code. Yes, Hayami’s X-Ray vision reveals it, but unless you’re pausing every dozen steps to use it, you have no reason to look there.

Mariel: ?? What exactly is corset anyway?

A legalized form of torture. For the women who wear it and the men who see women in them.

Hayami: It helps woman’s body line look more slender and beautiful by wearing it under the clothes.

Fina: (Squeezing my waist with that, maybe my breasts look bigger?)

Caris: What kind of moron would put a corset in the middle of nowhere?

It’s an RPG thing, Caris, smile and nod.

Ryle: Maybe it has secrets hidden or this particular one is very rare?

Aren’t corsets an item in Progress Quest anyway? Maybe this one’s a runaway.

Mariel: Anyway why don’t we just take it? Who knows we might get to use it?

Caris: But it’s an underwear!

You know FLARE was just giggling madly to himself as he wrote this scene.

Mariel: Then we just give it to someone who might want it!

“Oh alas, I am missing a corset to wear for the ball!” “Don’t worry ma’am! Here’s one we found underground!”

Latyss: So that means it’s useless to us?

Caris: Oh come on~ who would wanna wear an old underwear like this? They can just buy one at stores!

Y’know, I haven’t seen any actually clothing stores while wandering around…

Orubia: I know.

Latyss: And too many junks will slow us down during the combats.

Too late for that…

Fina: How about let someone wear it while fighting?

Everyone stares at Fina as if she just suggested killing Ryle’s dog.

Orubia: But aren’t the corsets hinder the hard and fast movements because they squeeze the waist so tight?

Movements, agility, BREATHING…but the boobs, Orubia, the boobs…! The argue for a bit, then find a note inside the thing…

Ryle: “This product is for uses with bust size of 85 or above… …and please use extra pads which are sold separately, in case the bust size is small than 85.”

Fina: Throw IT away~!!!!

Ah, the paradox of anime chest sizes; she’s not actually small, but she is compared to the entire rest of the cast

Caris: W-What…is it Fina?

Latyss: You didn’t have to shout that loud.

Fina: Why they have to ask about the bust size for wearing corsets!! What’s wrong with my bust size!?

…So you could wear it semi-comfortably, and that it’s possibly concave? Everyone ………s in surprise, and is actually quite sympathetic.

Fina: No, I was just upset about the way they discriminated people by the different breast sizes…and I was…

Caris: (So you wanted to wear it huh? But I didn’t know she would want it so bad, poor Fina)

Latyss: … *sigh*

I’m with Latyss on this one.

Hayami: (Sessha’s bigger than 85, so maybe worth a try…?)

So Mariel is stupid and I get the ALL Corset, which protects from all status afflictions, protects against dark, and halves the MP needed for attacks. Not a bad item at all, but not worth sitting through that life-killer.

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So now we’re in Rune Tri. Directly in front of Ryle from the entrance is a small room with a bizarre combination of modern and ancient decoration…it’s as if he forgot what era this was supposed to be in and just threw some crap together. That’s a potion dispenser in the back, by the way.

The inscription in front of Ryle is in an ancient language for some reason, odd considering nothing else around is. Since we don’t have Gimli here, we have to settle for Latyss.

Latyss: “8 children are being taken cared by 2 adults but they were fooled by those innocent faces.”

Sounds like the plot of that one Adam Sandler movie. Or that one Eddie Murphy movie. Or that one Steve Martin movie. Or that other Eddie Murphy movie.

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Remember that? Huh? Remember? Wasn’t that funny?

The two pillars on the outside inform us that “One without the true light will not advance,” and that “What you see is not always true. Enlightenment can be found where 4 points cross.” And here I was trying to reach it through meditation and self-reflection, but all I have to do is go to Four Corners!

The pillars in the middle all have pointless sentences about the elements, like “Take everything with love, is the dear mother earth,“ and “Light has its own twin, an opposite but can’t live without it…the darkness.“

Blocking our way forward is a force field that the electrocutes Ryle because we just haven’t had enough pratfalls yet, and we have to find an incantation to open it. Because there’s no real indication of where to find the incantation, I end up looking at every pillar twice and making two laps around the entire area before figuring out that I have to look in the center of any four pillars.

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I’m not sure how we find one-third of an incantation, but we do, and find the other two quickly.

Ryle: It’s time to chant the incantations we’ve collected.

Orubia: How about we chant together.

Ryle: But that would result incorrect sound, and who knows what other traps might get turned on?

Traps hate off-key reciting.

Caris: Then let Orubia or Latyss cast the spell. Oh, don’t forget Hayami.

Couldn’t if I tried, Carrie. Obviously, whomever you choose gets an affection boost, because girls love being used as garage door openers. Let’s go with Latyss, as she hasn’t done anything useful in a while.

Latyss: Ok, give me the incantations.

“Um…sorry, these are in Hebrew.”

The Watcher: Latyss was able to chant the spell without single mistake.

It turned out just to be the lyrics to “My Life Would Suck Without You.”

Ryle: Alright! Latyss you were perfect!

Latyss: Used to chant the spells longer than this, no big deal.

Ryle: I would have fallen into sleep in the middle of chanting.

Hey! Narcolepsy is a real problem, and you shouldn’t joke about it!

Caris: Don’t tell me you sometimes fall into sleep during the warp.

Ryle: What do you mean?! Of course I have to be awake!

“If I ever was to fall asleep, we’d be lost forever in the space between worlds!”

Latyss: (They need me as much as I need them…maybe more.)

“No…wait, much more. I don’t need these people at all.”

Caris: Beynod that lies the Old Gaiares.

Mariel: There should be a warp device inside.

That doesn’t work, as you yourself previously stated. Right? Right?

Orubia: I can sense a large magic is gathered inside.

1995 Shaquille O’Neal?

Latyss: Yes, it’s enough to use many times.

Hayami: Let’s proceed. No one should’ve been here according to our intelligence.

You don’t think that could be because it has no importance whatsoever?

Ryle: Hayami, can’t you use the usual accent?

What? No, don’t discourage her!

Hayami: Eh? Oh… I…Sessha will try.


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Old Gaiares, the Gaiares before the floating city, apparently is in ruins from unspecified battles, and there are skeletons all over, as well as ash or something descending from the sky. There are zombies around, so Fina is useless yet again, and Orubia doesn’t like the grave dust flying all over--it might not be good for one’s lungs. Ryle seems merely concerned that it’s a little chilly. Nice priorities there. All in all, it’s still in better shape than Mexico City. The whole thing is one screen long, so I grab the one treasure in the area and leave.

#34 Sir Exal

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Posted 09 June 2010 - 01:16 PM

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Well stated, Ryle. This doesn’t make any sense. But we walk to the nearest roadblock, a wall of ice. After everyone complains they’re cold, cementing their status as whiniest adventurers ever, Caris attempts to melt the ice with her fire magic. Unsurprisingly, it doesn’t work. They all debate how to get past or around it, even though I can’t think of the reason why they want to anyway. Because it’s there, I suppose.

Ryle: What can we do about the ice then? Besides fire, I can’t think of any!

Wait for global warming to take its toll?

Caris: How about go back’n ask Lady Flare? She might have some good ideas.

“Or at least pad the game some more!” Speaking of which, Mariel says her glasses are frozen and Orubia talks about soup for some damn reason.

Ryle: Yeah, let’s go back to…Delstar Residence! (Fina’s Home)

Thanks for the reminder, game.

Message: Ryle’s party arrived at Delstar Residence to discuss with Flare about how to pass the ice wall near Abyss.

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Well, we’re back at Flare’s, and you know what that means--another long, pointless scene. Feel free to just hit Page Down once or twice.

Caris: But even my fire spells had no effect at all!

“Well, yes, hon, but that’s because you’re pathetic.”

Flare: Because Caris’s flame came from magic and what if the ice has magic resistance spell on?

This is the most trouble anyone goes to for a block of ice outside of St. Paul, Minnesota.

Orubia: That means we can’t even cleave it with wind spells, not move it and crush it with earth magic!

“Or burst it with dark magic, nor illuminate it with light magic…”

Hayami: Then we might be able to break thru the wall if we use natural fires and others non-magical?

Why in the world would it protect from magical fire but not standard fire? That’s like body armor protecting you from bullets but not from arrows!

Flare: I’m not 100% sure about that. My theory is only based on the assumption that if it’s magical.

But if it isn’t, it would melt…oh, forget it.

Fina: You mean Magnetic Canceller? ! But that’s only from a living thing! And…oh that means-

Flare: Yes, what if the wall itself is actually a monster in disguise?

“Mom! You stole my realization!”

Caris: What is that “Magnetic” thing?

Oh, don’t ask! They might tell us.

Fina: Did you know that all living things carry tiny amount of electricity inside the body? And we can amplify the magnitude of the electricity by magic or some other means. And the resulting magnetic field can prevent the heat transfer upto 100%!

That sounds painful. Also, I’m very curious as to what the “other means” could possibly be.

Latyss: Then can’t we just use the spells which are not fire attribute?

No, that would make too much sense.

Flare: No use. The spell creating the field is the anti-magic barrier in itself.

Ryle: That’s a perfect defense wall!

Flare: I know, so only the physical attacks are useful but the enemy can freeze the weapons as well.

HAX! So they can’t attack it with anything, and this was all pointless.

Fina: The Abyss lies beyond that wall, and we’re totally clueless.

Fina dares to speak the truth.

Hayami: Sessha got a good idea.

No, you don’t.

Hayami: North from Sea Mar Port, a place called Sateria Temple where the fortunetellers live…

Ryle: Fortunetellers?

Orubia: Wow! That sounds interesting…

Would no one please talk except for the person advancing what passes for the plot!? Thank you!

Flare: Very powerful fortunetellers have been living in that place for generations. I heard they can really see thru the future. But Mimi once warned me about these fortunetellers, that they are very eccentric and hard to deal with…

Fina: What! Aunt Mimi said that!? That means we’re in trouble!

Enjoy Aunt Mimi’s sole mention.

Fina: Aunt Mimi is famous for her very optimistic personality and also for her openness toward everybody… So when she shays someone is bad or difficult to deal with, then the person really IS! Or even worse!!

“Our family’s saying is, ‘Even Mimi wouldn’t do him.’”

Caris: So talking to that fortuneteller isn’t any easier than breaking thru the ice wall…

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Perhaps, but it’s better than sitting through all of this!! And what the hell happened to Orubia’s head? They decide to head there, for lack of anything actually relevant to do.

Have you noticed the posts getting longer and I that advance further with every post? It’s not because I take fewer screencaps, it’s because NOTHING has been happening in this game. At all.

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Sigh. We enter the temple, and the guy knows who we are and why we’re here already, being a fortuneteller and all, then shows that FLARE doesn’t know the difference between a fortuneteller and a psychic as he reads their minds.

Rollslay II: So Hayami, when you going to stop pretending as a ninja?

Ha! Called it.

Hayami: Sessha never did! Now Sessha am with Ryle Dono by the direct order from Lord Zestrum!

Ryle: (Do they know each other?)

Fina: We’re kind of in a hurry now. Could you stop rambling around and get into to the business?

In this game? Never!

Rollslay II: And you are Fina Delstar… Still sea-sicking and afraid of ghosts? Poor girl…your breasts just won’t grow bigger.

Fina: It’s NONE of your business!

Sigh. Let’s move on. Rollslay II charges by a case-by-case basis, as the technique, “Time Dive,” he uses to see into the future to make fun of a girl about her insecurity about her breasts, can be life-risking, with some crap about astral-projection or something. But he says we must pass three trials to get a reading (First bring…a shrubbery!)

Rollslay II: See those 2 magic circles next to me? Enter both of them, and bring me the proof. I’ll explain to you after entering the circle.

Dammit, I knew I shoulda gone to Magician Humfrey. A year of service beats this any day.

Ryle: Alright, let’s decide who’ll be in the party.

Rollslay II: It’s already been set.

Everyone but Ryle, Fina and Caris vanish.

Fina: Orubia! Latyss! Hayami! Mariel!

Caris: …Gone?!

“…Oh, well.”

So it’s some dumb form of testing our faithfulness. Caris goes first to overcome the trial of annoying spaceman.

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Rollslay II: Use the Direction keys to move and press the Return Key repeatedly to break the jail doors, in order to rescue your friends. Come back to here after you’re done. And watch out for the ferocious tigers. Once you’re caught, you have to go back and rescue your friends again!

Oh, this seems like just a barrel of fun.
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There are switches to close some gates and open others, but since the tigers don’t chase you so much as they meander in your general direction, it’s not difficult. Caris frees Orubia and Mariel against her better judgment.

Fina’s, however…

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Rollslay II: You need to save your 2 friend in trial 2, and come back here. It’s pretty much the same as trial 1. This time when the balloon at the right side of the room is thouch by the penguin, you have to start all over again, so watch out. If you want to keep the ballon away from the penguin, you can use Enter key to open select menu and carry it and again to drop it. Also while carrying the ballon, wolves won’t attack you. So remember that!

Couldn’t make this up if I tried. It’s like a mad-lib.

The game isn’t harder, it’s more annoying, particularly as the wolves like to camp outside the prison cells and wait for you to come out. Also, random spaces on the floor cause the penguin to speed up or slow down, and after I caused it to speed up, I needed to look it the code for the tile that makes it slow down just to make the whole thing possible, only to hit another speed up tile. Really, the whole thing is just goddamn annoying. But, finally, by sticking to the edges, I grab Hayami and Latyss and get out of there. Christ, the Psychic Friends Hotline would have been better than this!

Finally, it’s Ryle’s turn for the third trial. “Unlike those two, you are going to have a very difficult one,” warns Rollslay. Yeah, yeah, just do it.

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The very difficult one, ladies and gentlemen. After this room, there’s a three-question quiz I won’t bother replicating, with one question about, of all things, the spelling of “Togahzan.” And after one small room, finally the last trial…fighting.

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Before you’re even remotely concerned, remember that this is a Duel Boss in Romancing Walker. The fight is nothing. I beat the necromancer almost without waking up and teleport back to the lobby.

The girls are worried about him, which is inappropriate for several reasons, but he returns and Rollslay agrees to do whatever the hell it was we wanted him to do. But before he can--DUN DUN DUN!!

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Xaktor (?): Unfortunately I am not Xaktor. Come outside! I’ll finish you for good!

Yes, that’s what they called him. So he teleports in, yells at us, and…leaves. How threatening. A message tells us to choose a party to fight him and says that my choices will gain affection.

Screw this, let’s leave it at this…”cliffhanger,” and try to heal our brains for next time.

NEXT TIME: Into the Abyss. And no, that’s not just because the game gets worse.

#35 Sir Exal

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Posted 28 June 2010 - 11:57 AM

Part the Fifteenth: Dungeons & Drudgery

So, we’ve been called out by someone we’ve never heard of before for a fight on his terms with nothing at stake. Sounds good to me. Let’s go, Fina, Mariel, Latyss.

Oddly enough, all the Mahzok seems interested in is indeed a straight fight, and wasn’t luring our group outside to trap us or anything. Go figure.

Caris: Even if we wanted to run, I don’t think you would let us.

Orubia: He would use innocent people around here as a bait in case we got away.

First, there are no people around here. Second, based on what he’s done thus far, he’s definitely not smart enough to do something like that.

Hayami: Sessha won’t let that happen!

Won’t let a hypothetical situation…that you weren’t going to accommodate anyway…happen. Blah blah fight.

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What in the world are those things on the sides? So this is Garudia, and he’s a Contact Mahzok, which means he’s more powerful than the Pure Mahzoks we’ve faced before. Or less powerful. One of the two, I don’t remember which it‘s supposed to be. He was borrowing Xaktor’s body, which is odd because Xaktor exploded. More likely, Flare was just too lazy to choose a different sprite.

The instant the fight starts, Fina uses some move that looks and sounds a hell of a lot like Divine Impact, but for some reason seals Garudia similar to how it sealed Raymah, but not Graphost, because Fina apparently forgot she had it at that point. However, all it does this time is Silence the bastard, as he’s stronger because he’s a different kind or some such shit. This is a good thing; if I hadn’t brought Fina, Garudia would have used a magic spell to make himself basically invincible to elemental moves. This doesn’t make him unbeatable, but with only Ryle and, if you brought her along, Caris, able to do any sort of notable damage, you’ll probably kill yourself out of boredom before you win. Garudia negates the field after one turn, to show how “strong” he is, but nobody cares.

So Versa Slash/Divine Impact/Super Aero Slicer/Stone Rise/rinse/repeat until clean.

Garudia: Hm! Hm! Hm! Not bad for a human! I expect you to do better next time!

We kicked your ass! How much better can we do? Ugh, anyway, we go back inside to…do whatever it is we came here to do.

Rollslay II: You all must leave the altar. “Time Dive” is our secret technique, so the outsiders are not allowed to see it.

Bah, they’re just gonna whip out a magic 8-ball.

Orubia: Oh that’s too bad.

Fina: Let’s go back to my house. Better plan for our next move.

Must we?

Ryle: Yeah, they (Mahzoks) are after us all the time. We should moved to other place.

Yeah, this game does that on occasion, clarify what a pronoun refers to. Why not just use the noun? Who knows? Just the crap cherry on the garbage cake that is this game.

Everyone says their dumb little piece, and we leave, but before we go to the Delstar’s residence, let’s grab the newest item from the guy who trades Victory points…

Man: Oh there you are! I forgot to tell you if you win from the boss battles, you’ll get more points!

Ryle: (But I can’t meet the bosses all the time!)

Ah, Ryle and his wacky fourth-wall breaking ways. How clever. When I hand over the points…somehow…

Man: Wow! You have it? Ah-Ha! Now I get it! You are a Mahzok right?

Then, well…I’m just going to let the game speak for itself.

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I don’t need to be told probably eighty percent of my readers just yelled, “That’s not even the correct line!” So I get the Brave Sword.

Ryle: This one looks special.

Man: Good observation! This sword has an hidden attribute!

Ryle: Hidden attribute!? What is it?

It’s only useable by Atlanta baseball players?

Man: That’s…please refer to the item window *wink*

Ryle: ……

Man: Impressed by my killer pose?

Your sprite didn’t move, so…

Ryle: I lost myself for seconds thanks to your incomprehensible stupidity.

We’ve lost ourselves for hours thanks to yours!

Man: What the-! How dare you

Oh, look, the hippo lady from Rocko’s Modern Life.

Message: Soon the 2 began kickin each other for hours till they finally got tired.

You kick it. It kicks you! You kick it. It kicks you! You kick it. It kicks you! You kick it. It kicks you! You feel tired.

With that tumor done, I head back to the Delstars‘, where we talk again. Don’t worry, I swear this is the last time. In this location, anyway.

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Fina: Mom, now the Mahzoks are totally on to us.

For this episode, the part of Fina will be played by 90’s Alicia Silverstone.

Caris: They attacked us again back in the temple, not only that, this time a Contact Mahzok came.

Flare: Instead of Pure Mahzok, a Contact Mahzok!? Now that’s stange…

We’ll have to take your word on that.

Ryle: But its power far surpasses Raymah, and even Graphost.

No. No it didn’t. They were all about the same level of uselessness.

Hayami: Maybe the just realized that becoming the Contact Mahzok has more advantages.

Flare: (I don’t understand why they would just fight one on one, instead of attacking in groups.)

Probably they’re just as stupid as this whole game is! The next conversation is spent pointing out the fact that what the villains are doing makes no sense, one-on-one fights, no traps, Final Destination. They then talk about…going back to Castle Factoria for some reason…Until finally…

Ryle: If we can re-activate the floating city of Gaiares…we might get the upper hand.

Fina: Explain?

Please don’t.

Ryle: I’m sure the Mahzoks also know that the reactors inside the floating city is still operational. So once the city is being found, they wont just sit there’n do nothing.

Or, alternatively, they don’t care. At all.

Fina: You want to use the city as prey!?

“The plan is, we stalk the city, letting our natural coloring camouflage us in the tall grass, and then…”

Hayami: !!

Flare: (True, they wont let it happen without any resistance…)

Ryle: And I suspect that Guardia guy was trying to delay us, so they can find the city before we do.

A five-minute delay. Nicely done, Garudia. The party begins to suspect that perhaps Xaktor, and in fact the whole game up to this point was just to delay us.

Caris: But for what? What’s their gain for merely dragging us down?

Cheap laughs?

Ryle: Not sure why, but it’s highly possible that they were delaying our progress all the time.

Fina: Hope Rollslay can tell us more about their intensions…

A message informs us a “messanger” comes and tells us the “Time Dive” is finished. So back we go. Thank god for Warp, or I would have broken this file over my knee. Somehow.

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With Rollslay’s poorly-defined powers, he gives Ryle the ability to warp to the entrance of the Abyss. Now, for all logical purposes, we should probably head directly there, right? But Rollslay reveals that the warp device…the nonfunctioning warp device, mind you…was stolen already.

Rollslay II: I’m not sure who did this, but it appears to be from the northern land, Factoria.

“Don’t ask me how I know that. Magic and all.”

Orubia: Soldiers from the castle took it?

Rollslay II: Ordinary people are not capable of transporting that kind of high-tech device…or maybe it was…

I know I have trouble carrying high-tech devices, like, say, my cell phone, around.

Latyss: Oh no! The Mahzoks!!

Hayami: They found out the location of the floating city!!

Mariel: They found it before us!

“Christmas is ruined!”

Rollslay II: Wait, there’s still hope! The Warp Device is damaged so they can’t operate now, and I don’t thing the folks in Factoria can fix it soon…that means!

Wait, why do we want to go there again?

Ryle: If we can steal it before they fix it, there’s still hope for us!

Hayami: Hurry to Factoria Castle!

Fina: Wait there! They must’ve set up hundreds of traps! Better have a plan!

Oh, can we stop talking about it and just do SOMETHING?

Fina: Think about it, why didn’t that Guardia dude destroy this temple?

Mariel: No idea.

“By all accounts, it doesn’t make sense.” I’d like to point out FLARE can’t remember his own goddamn character’s name.

Caris: So that he could lure us there?

What? Where?

Fina: Of course! I remember you said they were trying to delay our progress, right?[/I]

Huh? I…

Fina: And why not Factoria as prey this time? Isn’t it obvious?

Isn’t what obvious? What are you…

Fina: For some reason, they wanted to lure us to the Warp Device since they know we’re after it!!

But…They wanted to lure us to where we were already going?

Ryle: But we have to get into the castle no matter what!

I’m sorry, why? The queen’s evil and all, but…Why?

Caris: Ryle’s right! They would use other means to force us heading toward Factoria anyway.

Ryle: Other means…Oh no!!

Latyss: Lavas!!

I don’t even know what you’re talking about.

So, for…some reason, we appear in front of Lavas. The town is deserted, which isn’t really much of a change from normal, but everyone goes to their spots and reacts in alarm. If I try to leave, Ryle says, “Anyway I have to search the village! I have to find it!“ Find what? Nobody knows. However, watching a cat walk into a cliff face reveals a hidden door.

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Great, so everyone’s hiding in a spot accessible by the average housecat. Secure. There’s a tearful reunion, as we didn’t know where everyone was for almost a minute, and Mariel things Preshes is cute and gets hurt for it, in case that sentiment was too strong for you.

Brad: Just as I suspected, you girls were with Ryle during all this time.

“How many of these girls have you gotten pregnant and heathen?!”

Caris: Dad I know what you gonna say, but it’s not that simple. The Mahzoks have returned.

Thus completely justifying me going off on a journey around the world without telling my guardian.

Brad: …!! M-Mahzoks!?

Latyss: And Mr. Burnfist, there’s no meaning in blaming Ryle again this time.

“Mmm…I think I will anyway. It’s just so much fun.”

Brad: Why not!! If it wasn’t for him, they (Mahzoks) would not after my daughter!

In case you forgot what he was talking about ONE LINE AGO.

Ryle: …….

Fina: No it’s not. They are after anyone who’s trying to protect our world. And they’ll eventually enslavet all of us anyway.

A little traveling with a teenage boy now, or a lifetime of sex slavery to demons later. Your choice.

Brad: But you girls shouldn’t risk your lives like this! Big kingdoms like Factoria and Meldia will send their troops to do the job! It’s their duty!

“It’s not like a teenage girl single-handedly defeated them last time, in my lifetime!”

Hayami: However Sir, we have our own share of duty to fight against the Mahzoks within our capabilities!

Here’s that soapbox you ordered, Miss Raienji…

Hayami: Everyone must stand up to the injustice in order to maintain the very existence of their kingdom! If we all expect others to do our jobs, soon there will be no one to stop the Mahzoks!!

First they came for the magical girls, and I said nothing, because I wasn’t a magical girl.

Brad: But I can’t let my only daughter to get into dangerous battles just because of that!

Caris: Dad…I’m really glad that you worry about me, but it’s my own will to join them.

“Your own will? I thought I killed that years ago.”

Caris: I always thanked you for raising me as single parent…But I can’t just watch the Mahzoks ruining our land and do nothing…Mom told me, “You must live happily in the world of peace”

“Just before she died in that horrible plot device crash.”

Caris: And because they threat my happiness and my life… I’ll protect by my own hands!

Very nice, Caris. Please hand Fina the Speech Ball.

Fina: My mother doesn’t want me to fight with the Mahzoks like you do, Mr. Burnfist.

“She also doesn’t want me smoking hash, but guess what…”

Fina: After dad was gone, mom was afraid of me walking on the same path of hers, especially the Valkyries…

She wasn’t crazy about the teen pregnancy either.

Fina: Well, not that I had the talent in combats…But now I want to protect dad’s homeland, Gaiares…no matter what?

Fate of the world? Who cares? Fate of a sunken city that her dad once lived in? Now we’re talking!

Fina: We humans have to fight our ways for our own survival…even if it means risking our lives… That’s why mom gave in at the end, because she knows that this is the right way…

“Plus my grades weren’t good enough for Julliard.”

Ryle: Fina…

Orubia: Although we are not fully adults now, sooner or later we have to rely totally on ourselves.

Orubia gives up the speech ball quite quickly for some reason…

Latyss: Eventhough each one of us has different goals, but we all want the same kind of world to live in.

“A communistic one!”

Latyss: Like Caris said, we must guard our happiness and live by our own hands. And finally some day, the world without any grudges among different races…

Dammit, every time Latyss talks, she always has to bring up her pet causes…[/I]

Then Flare shows up for no goddamn reason. Yes, just let everyone in to the hideaway! Why not get Prince Dyss, Gohu, and Meldian Guard in here while we have this NPC convention?

Flare: Mr. Burnfist…like you just saw. These young people have found their own reasons to fight. Don’t you think we as parents should let our children go when the time is right? So they can stand up by their own feet when can’t be there for them?

Don’t you ever ask them why/if they told you you would cry/so just hold your head and sighhhhhh…

Zemus: Orubia…like Lady Flare said, you should believe in your own dream and pursue it.

Orubia: Daddy…

“Like I needed your permission!” I should mention during all of this, everyone’s always stock still in their two straight lines. The sappiest victory music ever starts playing

Brad: …Of course I’ve been thinking that. Inside of me knew that I shouldn’t overprotect Caris. I just couldn’t help myself worrying about your safety….especially after your mother has passed away…That’s why no matter how strong you’ve become, I didn’t let you out of my sight.

Great job on that, by the way!

Brad: …But after what I heard from Lady Flare, I realized you can’t be truly happy unless I let go of you!

Congratulations! You learned a lesson continuously taught on Saturday morning cartoons! So Brad gives Caris his blessing to go out and get killed and everyone’s cockles are warmed. And another scene starts out right away. Ugh, while I go get a drink, Ryle, sum up the plot for those of us who are actively repressing this game.

Ryle: We must hurry before they (Mahzoks) reach Gaiares first! Therefore we must take back the warp device at the castle. Perhaps it’s false information they leaked on purpose to trap us. But we got no time to worry about that, it’ll be too late if they fix the device on time. Any good idea to get in safely? I want to here them right now.

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Okay, I’m back. Ryle exercises his ventriloquism, and the group chats inanely for a while, talking about closing off the astral realm or warping into the castle, both of which we haven’t shown we should be able to do. Eventually…

Mariel: I think there’s only one way left!

Ryle: Last resort!?

I was going to suggest a Weezer song, but Papa Roach works well too.

Mariel: We let Lady Flare get rid of the entire castle wall!

Just use 5 catapults or trebuchets…works in Civilization. The main characters insult her, but…

Flare: You know what? Maybe it’s a perfect plan for this case.

They make a “joke” about the BGM being silly only when Mariel talks. Flare points out that we’re busting up the palace anyway looking for this thing, so why not do it more directly? Once again, they’re pulling a distraction/infiltration scheme. This is, of course, a moronic, suicidal plan, but all of them have been, and every one of them has worked, so why the hell not?

Apparently later, Ryle stares out at a pond and sighs.

Ryle: Heading…Factoria again. Take a breeze outside.

Ryle hates prepositions--first skipping one then ending a sentence with one.

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He heads to a beach within walking distance of his hometown that we’ve never seen before. Hmm…he’s on the beach, being wistful… Time for another actually sweet scene! Fina, come on down! Fina shows up, concerned about Ryle because he wandered away while a legion of demons are out for his head.

Ryle: Fina…You’re the one who should not be alone at the place like this.

Fina: What?

“I’m not the one who has to worry about *insensitivity*. And with you dressed like that…you’re almost asking for it…”

Ryle: Lost souls might haunt you~ Booh~ Boo!

It’s funny because he’s making fun of her psychological problems.

Fina: Ryle! Let’s go home!!

Ryle: But why are you so scared of the ghosts?

“I saw The Sixth Sense once and Bruce Willis just horrified me!”

Fina: You think I wanted to? I just can’t help it! And they chase after me for no good reason. I hate that.

Ghosts are like dogs…they smell fear. And crap outside. The two talk about ghosts for a while.

Ryle: If you’re so scared, why bother coming over here?

You should give in to your fears and never leave your house again!

Fina: Huh?

Ryle: So I don’t have to listen to your whining!

Fina: How could you say that!! I was really worried about you!

Ryle: Wait!! What are you doing!? Put back your weapon!

Fina: You asked for it!

Yeah, I’m fairly sure you deserve this one, Ryle.

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Fina: Yeah, I’m scared of ghosts alright! But is it so wrong!? Why am I always the one with all the bad things! Small Breasts! Sea Sick! And oh yes, the “ghost phobia”~!

“I’m sick of being the receptacle for all the pointless character flaws!” Fina makes a couple more wild swings.

Ryle: Hey Fina! Calm down! Try to kill me!?

Well, we’ve all thought about it.

Fina: Hah, Hah, Hah, Hah!

Yeah, heavy breathing’s something that does not translate to text.

Ryle: Hah, Hah, Hah, Hah!

Why are you panting? You just stood there and took it!

Fina: I’ve been alone since my childhood. You know my mom being a “Savior” n all?

Ryle: Ah…everyone know that.

Fina: At first, I liked being repected by the people…

“Then TMZ started hounding me, then I punched out that photographer…now I’m lucky if I appear on I love the ‘00s.

Fina: Then everyone began to expect of me possessing great abilities and power. And other kids asked me to do such as “Show us great magic!”, “Blow up the rocks!”, and so on…

“Who am I, motherfrikkin’ David Blaine?”

Ryle: Fina…

Fina: But I never leared how to fight nor how to cast a spell.

Damned public school system!

Fina: Then they bullied me and said “Why can’t you do that?”, “Are you really Flare’s daughter?”

I’ve had much worse bullying, Fina.

Ryle: …!

Fina: Back then I hated everyone in the world except my dad. Even my mom…

“Er, except Jason Bieber. He’s so dreamy…”

Fina: Then my dad told me, “Although you are your mom’s daughter, you and her are different people.”

“Why he thought this was a revelation I have no idea.”

Fina: “All you have to do is just being yourself and keep work hard, soon everyone will come to you. One day you’ll become stronger than mom.” I worked very hard since and soon I mastered “Victory Buster.” But dad passed away. Nothing mattered any more.

Wait a second, isn’t this the plot of Angels in the Endzone?

Fina: And the peope continued to see at me as mere figure, never as a person. One day Hayami brought came to our house. I was very nervous about coming over here at first.


“Uh? Sorry, zoned out for a minute. So why are you scared of ghosts?”

Fina: Now I’m glad to be here. I can be Fina, no longer as the daughter of savior. And I don’t want to lose any one of you!

Ryle: Fina…Sorry.

Fina: Hm?

Ryle: I didn’t know anything about you, and here I was trying to lesson you.

I’ll lesson you a few things… Ryle asks what she’ll do after their personal war is over.

Fina: After the battle with Mahzoks? Havn’t thought about that. Well, I always wanted to run my own restaurant, especially after I got the chef’s license.

Dammit, this is like Digimon all over again, wanting to open a noodle cart completely unmentioned previously!

Ryle: Sounds nice… And I wanna like to see you in that funny looking uniform.

Fina: Dream on!

Ryle: Let’s go home. I got kinda hungary.

And I’m mildly romania.

Fina: Maybe I will ask Lesinna about the Asian cooking recipes. Great addition on my new menus~

Ryle: Don’t forget after we beat the Mahzoks!

Fina: Mood blooper~

And right back into the disconnected dialogue. Ahh.

Thus we advance to the next day, as everyone loiters around the Lavas hideout. …Say, how’d you guys know to hide anyway?

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Hm. So you built this because a toddler elf girl used never-mentioned-before precognitive powers so you could build a enormous hideout before demons invaded for no adequately explained reason. An invasion, I might add, that hasn’t happened, as the town is conspicuously not burned to the ground. And how did you build this whole thing anyway?!

On the left side of the hideout, Preshes shows off her newfound fortunetelling hobby via a scene with Mariel that involves Mariel being hit on the head by a rock, set on fire, struck by lightning, and sent into the ceiling via a geyser of water. This is strangely cathartic. I make the choice to catch her, causing us both to fall in the hole made by the geyser.

Ryle: Mariel stop steping on my belly! (I’m gonna die :) )

This, naturally, somehow endears him to her.

So now, into the abyss!

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What? Why not now? Where else is there to go?

Hmmm…Oh, right, during one of those horrifically dull scenes, we decided to invade Factoria castle for some reason. I remember now. Excuse me for thinking this game would proceed logically.

#36 Sir Exal

Sir Exal

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Posted 28 June 2010 - 12:09 PM

So I warp to Factoria Castle Town, where things are…a bit odd.

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Everyone’s acting crazily, which is difficult to show in screenshots, and spewing nonsensical sentences…which really isn’t that much different from normal, really. Apparently it’s something done by the Mahzoks. Why? It’s never brought up. How? It’s never asked. So we just shrug go to the inn, as being in the belly of the beast is the best place to talk about your plans.

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Flare is all Wonder Woman’d up (good lord, look at the size of her hips!), thoroughly humiliating her daughter, as is her motherly prerogative. Ryle forces the BGM to change from the wackiness in what would be clever if we hadn’t been making bad jokes like that the entire time.

Flare: First my team will lure as much Mahzoks as possible, just don’t get yourselves into battle too deep. Also about the Warp Device, it’s probably located in deep underground.

“That’s where everything important is, and I know, ‘cause I’ve watched all the Indiana Jones movies.”

Ryle: Underground?! Only thing I saw was the basement floor where the prison cells were.

And the jazz club.

Flare: There must be a hidden entrance on that floor. The device is too big to be hidden on the upper floors.

Hayami: Please use Sessha’s X-Ray Vision.

“Please! It’s the only thing Sessha is good for!”

Mariel: Let’s form groups!

“Let’s split up, gang!”

So three girls go with Ryle, and three get thrown to the wolves with Flare. I choose Fina, Latyss, and incidentally, Mariel, as she’s higher level than everyone else, oddly enough. I think this might be my ending team. Besides, all three of them are already in love with me. We enter the castle, walking right past the delirious guards. Convenient.

Ryle: Once again, we’re back here for the same purpose.

The destruction of all living creatures inside.

Flare: No guards around, that means traps everywhere.

Yeah, this is just a lie. What happened to busting down a wall?

Ryle: And I got an eriee feeling surrounds us.

Or it might just be gas.

Flare: We’ll go ahead to the basement and find the warp device. Ryle’s group will go in separate.


Seriously, the whole group just follows Flare, which I don’t think is stupidity as much as by the time FLARE programmed the subsequent scenes, he/she had completely forgotten about the characters’ intent to go in separately.

But anyway, Flare takes the lead as we venture through the castle once again. We can’t go to the higher floors, as apparently the conditions of the King and Prince mean nothing, and so head into the dungeon. After looking around for a while we head into one of the strangely unlocked cells and Flare is magnetically attracted to one of the corners.

Hayami: ?! Air flow from beneath the floor!

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Hayami emerges from Flare’s body and uses X-Ray Vision, confirming what we already know. Thanks, Hayami, for being completely redundant once again.

So we navigate a small maze of a dungeon, with bizarre enemies that Flare is powerful enough to defeat in one hit, thus giving a healthy amount of experience to the girls in her party. Having the messiah on your side has its perks.

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The sole ‘puzzle’ in the dungeon is when a computer monitor(?) gives me a code, and I have to set the levers to the appropriate numbers(?) to open the door. So it’s not as much a puzzle as it is a test of remembering numbers for thirty seconds.

Eventually, we encounter a chorus line of Mahzoks. As Flare can beat Mahzoks without even a battle sequence, she is rightfully unimpressed.

Flare: Well well…look what we got here. Although I’m not a Sacred Dragoon anymore, but this line of defense is pathetic!

Mahzoks: Fina Delstar!?

Uh…no. She’s in the back.

Everyone is suspicious given the extreme weaksauce of the Mahzoks, but Flare is unconcerned. Arrogant bitch.

Flare: I just wasted my power for these? Oh dear~

“Do you have any idea how long it takes to squeeze into this getup?”

Mahzok A: Fools! You’ll die with regrets!!

Oh, probably.

Flare: Victory Buster-!!

Mahzoks A: Whaa!? Arggggggggg-!!!


Mahzoks B: With just 1 shot!?

“We didn’t plan for this, man, we didn’t plan for this! Game over, man, g-game over!!”

????: Nice move. *clapping hands* You’re still as good as before…

Being the savior is just like riding a bicycle. The unknown voice destroys the rest of the Mahzoks herself for no reason and then appears before the group in the body of Queen Elizeh.

Flare: So you’ve survived…Funei!

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Mariel: What!? How could this happen?

Weekend-long bender, probably.

Caris: Oh NO!

Orubia: OMG!

They’ve been saying that quite a bit, recently. Now, is that omguh, or O-M-G?

Funei: It’s been 20 years…Flare Delstar.

“…You look great! What’re you using, an exfoliating scrub?”

Flare: I thought I destroyed you for good! But how!?

Funei: Unlike the other idiots I can leave the body of my host instantly… Oh YES, fast enough to vanish away before your spells can hit me! Hm Hm Hm…

“That sounds incredibly cheap.” “That’s because it IS! Hm Hm Hm!”

So…yeah. They make fun of each other some more.

Flare: Ryle! I’ll take care of her. You go first!

Ryle: Lady Flare!?

Flare: I’ll be fine. But the situation is worse than I expected since Funei is in action!

Fina: But it’s too dangerous! You can’t fight alone!

“Yes, I am just the messiah, I should let a bunch of teenagers fight my battles for me! For me’s sake, Fina! I was fighting Mahzoks before you were even a zygote!”

Flare: If waste anymore time here, my efforts becomes in vain!

Ryle: Fina, girls! Let’s go!!

Fina: B-But!

Ryle: Once they uses the Warp Device, Gaiares will be gone for good!

“Which, I don’t remember, but I’m fairly sure is a bad thing!”

So Ryle and the party WALK PAST the Mahzok, and head to the next part of the dungeon, which is immediately blocked off by columns of fire. Hmm.

The adjacent room is blocked by a locked door, but Ryle is understandably mad as hell and not going to take it anymore, so I just press enter until his slashes blow the door up. Ryle looks in the chest.

Latyss: !? What’s wrong Sylph?

“I’m in a terrible game!”

Sylph: I’m not sure. But it gave me very eerie feeling like chill on spine.

Caris: … Ryle, open it.

Ryle: Hey, why that face!? (As if I’m gonna get into another accident or something!)

Well, we haven’t had a pratfall for a few minutes now.

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But instead, it’s another elemental, whom one would immediately take to be Undine.

????: And you already have so many gals around you~ Bad bad boy~

Oh, this is nice. We didn’t have a perverted character yet, did we?

Sylph: Naughty as usual, Hilde…

“Hilde?” Really? Not Undine, okay, but…“Hilde?”[/I]

Hilde: Oh my! Is that you Sylph? Didn’t the elves sealed you into a box?

Sylph: And the same for being a bimbo too. Anyway, why don’t you just cut the crap and contact with Latyss?

Hilde: Waa? I though you hated all the elves to the bone. No?

“That was just in college, I swear!” Sylph promotes Latyss, then…

Hilde: I bumped into here accidentally. While ago, I’ve been sleeping near the entrance of Abyss.

And then you accidentally “bumped” into a chest, underground, on the other side of the world. Grr.

Caris: Ack! Don’t tel me you were…

Orubia: That big wall of ice which was…

Hayami: That means…

Mariel: It was…

“One of those…” “Annoying,” “Annoying,” “Annoying,” “Commercials where everyone,” “Takes turns” “Talking.” “Talking.” “Talking.”

Fina: The ice wall blockage merely was this stupid Elemental in her nap!!

Sylph: I can’t believe this You can’t just block the entire path’n take a snooze!

“Um, hello? One of the elemental forces of the world? I think I can do whatever the hell I want.”

Hilde: What? What did I do? *wondering with innocent face*

Made most of the last section of the game completely pointless. Nothing new, really.

Everyone: You dragged us behind BIG TIME! You IDIOT!!

They talk a little more and eventually Hilde joins up with us, giving Latyss a couple ice moves. Woo.

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Christ, even the game doesn’t know what it’s saying anymore!

I use Hilde’s (really!?) ice powers to extinguish the columns of fire (because that‘s what ice does. Put out fires). The exit is not far away and I take it. And…the viewpoint shifts back to Flare and Funei. Drat.

Flare: Didn’t except you would let the girls pass so easily. They are stronger than you think.

The power of deus ex machina will never be beaten!

Funei: Nah, let the others take care of’em. Just a bunch of kids after all.

“No evil force has ever been defeated by a bunch of kids, right?”

Flare: That is your biggest shortcoming. No wonder I could beat you back then even before Sacred Dragoon.

Funei: Hmm! But now you’re mere Valkyrie. Havn’t you realized yet?

Sigh. I miss Mahzok A.

Flare: If more Mahzoks were like you, we wouldn’t had hard time during the last war-

“Well, you’re ugly!” “You’re stupid!” “You’re ugly AND stupid!”

Funie [sic]: Don’t forget you’re an old lady now! I’ll make you to realize that… In HARD way!

“For crying out loud, I’m not old! I’m 38!”

So Funei encountered, and she just looks damn weird.

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Funie: You don’t stand a chance Flare! Mostly because you got OLD!

“Thirty-eight, goddammit! That isn’t old!” “Well, given the dark ages’ life expectancy…”

Anyone who thinks this isn’t really a fight, raise your hands. Yeah, yeah, I thought so. Flare is the “most powerful warrior in the history of mankind,” according to the prologue, after all, and Funei’s just dumb. Midway through, Flare takes the time to make fun of Funei a little more.

Funei: What are you murmuring about? Afraid now?

I’ve seen 5-year-olds on Halloween I’m more afraid of than you.

Flare: Even my daughter can beat you with ease. No, I was angry about wasting my time fighting with you.

Flare shares my sentiment. The fight goes on for a while, but you’d really have to try to lose at it. I use Flare’s Divine Victory Buster to take Funei out, but not before being bored.

Funei: But why…!? I should be much more powerful than you now!

“I did the bad guy training montage and everything!”

Flare: You were right on taking over the queen in order to control the mass with her influence.

“Well, not RIGHT, but correct…I mean, well, tactically, it was a smart thing…or at least…um, can I start over?”

Flare: But you ignored her physical weakness, not to mention she’s not young anymore.

“I could beat on that old lady easily!”

Funei: Damn it!

Flare: Comparing to your previous host in the past, my older sister Catyss Delstar…And Centinel de Riser, whom I got the “Dragon Gene” from. Both were already top-class fighters by themselves, so you were very powerful based on their bodies.

Exposition Now!

Flare: But now, with the body of someone whose combat experience is almost none…what were YOU thinking?

Funie: So what? Still you can’t kill me because this body belongs to queen!

“Who’s gonna know that, Funei?” Flare does something that makes a funny noise.

Funei: W-What did you just DO!?

Flare: “Teleport”! …I can warp any forms of energy to other dimensions including you!

“Why would you send energy to me?”

Funei: Noooooooooo!!


Flare: I know you’ll survive from this, aand you will stay there FOREVER-

“I’m sending your soul to the Shadow Realm!”

Thus the Queen Elizeh is freed, somehow unharmed. She says she saw what her Mahzok dominator was doing while playing host to her.

Queen Elizeh: Yes I’m fine, but we can’t leave at this moment. We must hurry to the last chamber!

Flare: Please do not worry. I already have sent the young warriors ahead of us.

“Don’t worry, seven untrained teenagers will take care of things.”

Queen Elizeh: No! It’s not that! Their (Mahzoks) REAL goal is…!

“Giving good and affordable car insurance!”

But the screen fades out before we can find out anything remotely interesting, and we go to Ryle and company.

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You again? Damn it, I’m not fighting you twice in one update!

NEXT TIME: More fights we don’t have a prayer of losing.

#37 Sir Exal

Sir Exal

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Posted 15 July 2010 - 03:23 PM

Part the Sixteenth: Abyss Before Dying

So…last time, we had just chosen to face Garudia. Again. And he starts talking. Again. Sigh.

Garudia: Got a good news for you. Sacred Dragon Flare successfully rescued your queen.

“Pardon! I’m from Meldia!” And how did that happen? Was Ryle just standing still like the dunce he is the whole time the battle was going on? And how does Garudia know?

Ryle: That also means your comrade has fallen, but you’re very calm.

Garudia: She was expendable right from the beginning. As long as she keeps Flare busy, I won’t expect any more from her.

“Which, considering she’s already defeated…means she didn’t keep Flare busy. Hm.”

Ryle: What!?

Fina: I won’t let you lay a finger on our Gaiares!

Fina desperately tries to get the plot back on track.

Garudia: Heh! Gaiares? Why would I bother to waste my energy on that ruin?

Caris: Don’t try to fool us! Otherwise why would you be here?

“The best cannolis in the country, why?”

Garudia: Alright, then why don’t all of you just take a look at…THAT!

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Yes, it’s a scene made from other tilesets in the Run Time Package, so?

Garudia: The one you were looking for all this time… Isn’t that one?

“I don’t know, I never knew it personally. It might be some other sunken city.”

Fina: OMG-! It’s the lost capital!! The sunken city of Gaiares!?

Garudia: Correct, the place had no use for us. However with little rumor, I turned it into the “perfect bait” to draw your attentions.

“I also had a jar of earthworms, in case that didn’t work.”

Ryle: Did you sink the city?

Garudia: No, I had pleasure of witnessing its fall.

Ryle: Cut the crap!!

Garudia: Heh heh! Can’t you see what’s going on by now?

Pointless dialogue?

Garudia: The ruin is right under Factoria Castle! What makes you to THINK that we would do this withot destroying Factoria first?

Wait. What?

Caris: I know! That doesn’t make sense! They would’ve just let Gaiares crash into Factoria!

Caris dares to speak the truth.

Latyss: Which means Kingdom of Factoria…

Fina: …was built right on top of sunken Gaiares Capital?[/i]

Garudia: And current Factorian royalty has been hiding the truth to their people…how clever.


Are you telling me that twenty years ago, the gigantic-ass city of Gaiares plunged into the ground, creating a massive geological event and trapping dozens, if not hundreds of people…and another city was built on top of it, and everybody just forgot about it?! You’re asking us to believe Flare, the King of Meldia, and that Rollslay guy, all alive during the fall of Gaiares, didn’t think to mention “Oh, yeah, that lost city you’re looking for is underneath one of the biggest cities in the world?” Goddammit!!

Okay, Flare? You’ve gotten away with this for waaaay too long. I’m using my Bullshit Replacement Device now. Every time this game says or does something that is complete bullshit, the BRD plays an 80’s rock favorite, and I get to ignore the next five lines. Okay? Okay.

So Ryle asks why they thieved the Warp Device if they already knew where Gaiares was, and Garudia just turns the thing on.

Caris: (Ryle, can’t you just warp us into Gaiares now?)

Ryle: (No! That’s too risky! The gravity field is unstable.)

Not to mention the city is under 100 yards of rock! You’re lucky the BRD is still getting warmed up.

Garudia: Enough of chatters! Forget about Gaiares, you won’t be going there anyway.

He’s right, by the way.

Garudia: I already have arranged much better place for ALL of you. To another DIMENSION that is!!

Oh, god, am I watching DBZ now? Everyone yells in blind panic, and the machine in back of him arcs with electricity.

Ryle: You modified the machine!

Garudia: Bingo. Now it can be used as “Dimensional Cannon”-! Wiping ALL of you out from this world!! Finally got my drift? You are my first target practice!

Skeets are cheaper. He sure is going to a lot of trouble to kill a few random teenagers.

Ryle: Damn you! Let’s get outta here!

Garudia: Begone! Humans!!

Ryle: Ackk-!

Apparently, the machine turned Ryle into Cathy as well. But, as I’m sure you’ve expected by now, nothing happens and everyone remains rather conspicuously not teleported to another dimension

Ryle: Nothing happened?

Garudia: What the!? It’s “Teleport”! So it was you! Flare Delstar-! Arg, you warped the blast away!!

Warped…the blast away.

Take me…
From the magic of the moment
To the glory night
Where the children of tomorrow dream and weep
To the wind of change…

Garudia summons three Raymah-like Mahzoks to keep Flare busy, which the game swears is not just because Flare’s too lazy to find another sprite.

Garudia: Maybe they look the same as Raymah. But they are way much stronger! You all gonna die here!

I pity the foo’ who fight me!

Flare: Well sure it beats fighting Funei!

Yes, I don’t have to do it.

Caris: Look who’s gonna lose!

Fina: Caris! But be careful! Garudia didn’t bluff for nothing!

He didn’t bluff at all! If it weren’t for that absurdly cheap deus ex machina, you’d be space dust right now!

Orubia: My Magical Octagram shall come in handy

Hayami: We gotta take the device back!!

Actually, I’m not sure you do…what does it do now?

Latyss: Sylph! Hilde! Ready to fight!!

“Enh, speak to the Elementals’ union.”

Mariel: Mm~ ammos ammos…

Your guess is as good as mine what that means, folks.

Ryle: You wont take down Factoria that easy this time!!

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And so we fight Garudia, now with magical aura and clip-on eye…cloak…thing.

Ryle: You’ll pay for messing with entire kingdom just to bring us out!

“’Cause that was really stupid!”

Garudia: Now I made you look good just doing that, and you are complaining about it!?

Ryle: You bastard!!

Nothing about this game looks good!

Fina: Fallen people of Gaiares wont forgive you for doing this either!!

Latyss: Ryle! Don’t get into his mind game! Just focuss on how to win now!

Ryle: ……Ah.

Head games!

Mariel: Ammos loaded, safety lock off! Ready to attack!! …Oops, forgot to unlock the trigger lock…

Oh, that Bob! Will he ever learn?

Ryle: Everyone! Let’s kick these bastards out of Factoria for good!!

So the first turn, Garudia uses Magical Barrier, making him near-invulnerable to all magic attacks, adding to his already really high defense.. Ha! But sure enough, just wait a couple turns and…

Garudia: Now that is the biggest denial you humans have had for centuries! You think you can match us in strengrh! And you convince your tiny minds by picking on only the weakest class of Mahzoks!? No wonder you never learn!!

You do remember you LOST the last time you tried all this, right?

Ryle: But don’t forget we can unit our power and transcend anything even CHAOS!!

Garudia: ……

Unite, you twit.”

Ryle: Maybe we don’t know how to fully utilize it yet, but we got no choice to keep on fighting! And I’ll transcend you even in the slightest moment when it’s possible!!

Garudia: Interesting! Then show me that power of yours!!

“Uh, heh, well…this is where it gets awkward…”

Ryle: You bet I’ll!!

…Not finish the sentence? But no, Ryle uses a new move we’ve never seen before called Kugah Tenha to do unprecedented damage to Garudia.

Ryle: (I never got the move right, but it worked finally on time.)

“Really, I’ve been working on this for a while. Really!

Ryle: No damage? I don’t think so! You were merely self -regenerating at very fast speed. Can’t recover fast? Of course you can’t! Like heart in our body, your core materialized when you engaged the contact!

“I assure you this somehow makes sense!”

Ryle: You thought we were ignorant about the anatomy of your kind!

“I read Lovecraft, bitch!”

Fina: Ryle! Way to go!

Latyss: Whew…so he saw thru everything.

No, he just figured out the pattern of deus ex machinas.

Mariel: Now you’ve turned me into total counter mode!

Now, it looks like the end, but the wise player will just defend, as he realizes that no one else other than Ryle can do any damage. So he defends and waits for the--

Garudia: I didn’t want to use this. But you made me no choice.

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Take it to the limit! …Which makes him green for some reason. Go figure.

Ryle: What!? The ultimate defense against any forms of physical attacks!

“That’s even cheaper than what I just did!”

Garudia: Now your attacks are totally uselss against me. I also added “Barrier Field” so your magic pose no threat as well!

Caris: Now he’s inpenetrable!

Fina: OMG_! Like “Dimensional Barrier”!! He’s physical body now exists in other dimension!

Stop saying OMG! It’s like watching Gossip Girl or something!

Latyss: I can’t use “React Wind” to lift at that “Aegis Barrier”!

I wasn’t going to try, but okay.

Ryle: It’s not over yet! We must continue to fight!!

We must continue to Defend for two turns!

Ryle: Damn it! So is this the end of our road!?

Garudia: There’s no way you can win this time!! But you should be proud of being able to fight us to this far!

Ryle: (I can’t give up now! But is there any way left!? What can I do!? Their (girls) lives are all depend on me!)

They can’t possibly defend themselves!

Okay, to explain this next scene, I’m going to have to backtrack. During the question segment of Rollslay’s…thing, Ryle was asked what he would do if he had to get through an invincible barrier to save his friends. Ryle had to think for all of five seconds before he thought up using Warp to get through, which doesn’t make any sense as Ryle can only warp to places. But sure enough, in what Flare most certainly thought was cinematic but just turns out to be stupid, Ryle remembers that and uses Warp as he charges to not only get through his barriers but to destroy them.

She's young now, she's wild now, she wants to be free
She gets the magic power of the music in me

Incidentally, there’s been 6 music changes in this one battle.

Ryle: Garudia! You’re OVER!!

Garudia: Are they really human!?

“No…we’re Mary Sues!”

And we defeat him in a battle too boring to waste any more letters o

Garudia: Urg…I…can see why you humans were…able to beat us back in the “Demonic War”

Because you’re dangerously stupid?

Garudia: …But we Mahzoks won’t give up this easily…It’s not over…YET!

Garudia explodes, and Flare, seeing that we defeated the major threat to our life, defeats the remaining Mahzoks in one hit each.

She’s got beautiful bright blue eyes
As if they thought of rain
I’d hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain

Later, back at the inn…despite the fact they could teleport back to the house or wherever….

Ryle: Factoria is finally liberated!

From its shadow government by shadow freedom fighters. Yay.

Flare: But we were very close to become the first victims of “Dimensional Cannon”. Thanks to the early warnings from Her Highness.

And the power of cheapness.

Orubia: And I’m so glad that Queen Elizeh is safe now.

Latyss: Yes, we would not be here now if she was killed.

“She woulda killed us had we let her die!”

Caris: I know why. Because Mahzoks need a live body in order to engage contact.

Flare: Maybe that’s the case only for regular Mahzoks.

Except, um, for the guy taking over Xaktor.

Falre [sic, again]: Funei is different. She can take on even dead corps.

Not the Peace Corps. And except, um, she didn’t.

Caris: Even the dead poeple?

Fina: Huh? Then why Funei didn’t kill Her Highness?

Another aborted plot point, perhaps?

Hayami: Maybe she couldn’t stop the body to decompose.

Mariel: I see…

Fina: (She didn’t get it at all)

Maybe she just doesn’t listen to completely extraneous and pointless conversations.

Latyss: By the way, what will happen to the sunken city?

It will be pushed into the background and never mentioned again.

Flare: Mages from Meldia shall arrive within 2 or 3 days. They’ll handle the rest. Actually I was surprised to find Ryle is the 2nd royal prince of Factoria.

No attention span whatsoever!

Caris: Well we kept it from Lady Flare.

“To screw with you, mostly.”

Orubia: I’ve never seen her surprised like that before.

“She had a whole new profile picture!”

Fina: I know, I haven’t seen her like that for years!

Mariel: I didn’t know either Why didn’t you tell me…

I smell stupidity coming up…

Ryle: But you already heard it from Lord Zestrum back in Meldia Castle! You forgot??

Mariel: …Oops! I forgot!

And when Fina told Mina about Ryle‘s heritage, earlier than that. Anyway, everyone turns into a pyramid of ice again.

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Mariel: Waa! Froze up again! Even Miss Orubia this time! ……I wonder how long they will stay like this?


Message: Now they just broke the newest national record! 40 min and 15 sec!


Mariel: Congratulations!

As cold as ice
Willing to sacrifice our love
You want paradise
Someday you'll pay the price I know

I never said the BRD didn’t have a sense of humor. The group stuffs Mariel into a chest and yet can’t resist making another damned meta-joke about it.

Ryle: Very rare to see someone who can live inside the chest…

Hayami: How sad…that is…

Sad indeed.

Ryle: About our next plan, I think we are done here. There’s nothing more to do.

But that’s never stopped us before!

Orubia: We found both Warp Device and the lost capital of Gaiares.

Without even trying!

Latyss: However, as Garudia said, other more powerful Mahzoks are still out there.

Fina: But we can’t set up new goals except for continuing training and get ready for them.

Caris: Well we can go back to Lavas first?

“I think I left the television plugged in, and I’ll never be able to relax if I don’t check.”

Latyss: The only place we haven’t explored is Abyss.

How do you explore Abyss? Keep one hand on the right wall and when you reach forever, turn left?

Ryle: We already got our own Warp Device, so there’s no point searching over there.

Flare: Actually you do have one. At least for Fina…

Fina: M-Me?

“I need you to collect 15 Intact Boar Heads and come back here for your reward.”

Flare: There is one more gateway other than going to Gaiares. It’s the gateway to Dracoheim, where “Dragoon Arms” are kept.


Orubia: THE Dracoheim!?

No, the other legendary extradimensional location called Dracoheim! Christ!

Hayami: Lady Flare! You don’t mean…!!

Caris: You want Fina…

Latyss: …to become Sacred Dragoon!?

Stop that.

Flare: I think now is the only chance we have, don’t you think so? It will become more difficult to retrieve the “Dragoon Arms” once new Mahzoks are here again.

New Mahzoks are here again! The skies above are clear again! Let us sing a song of cheer again! New Mahzoks are here again!

…Wait, that doesn’t make any sense. How do new Mahzoks arrive again?

Fina: Just hold on for sec! I can’t use my power in this world after I became Sacred Dragoon! What if the enemies appear after that happened?

Well, that’s…damned inconvenient, I must say. Most powerful warrior in the world, but can’t use it…in the world. Although that doesn’t seem to stop Flare.

Flare: It’ll be fine as long as you are IN control of your power. It was Ernest Continent when I became the Sacred Dragoon.

“Back then, you called Orientals “Chinamen,” and you called Chinamen “civil servants.” But you couldn’t get the two confused, or else the Chinamen Mafia--that’s what we called the unions back then--would be after you. And when they came after you…”

Fina: I don’t know…just by holding the “Rune Disaster” during power-up caused my house to collaps.

Yes, Fina, we all know you’re pitiful. Give it a rest.

Flare: Don’t worry dear, wielding the “Dragoon Arms” alone wont turn you into the Sacred Dragoon.

“That comes after the hazing.”

Flare: You can still up-grade your power by equipping “Dragoon Arms” and not transforming.

Ryle: In other words, we better hurry or the enitre Abyss might get blown into pieces by the Mahzoks!

…That’s, in fact, nothing close to what she said. I don’t think you were listening at all.

Caris: Yeah, why don’t we go there then? Who knows it might become our last chance to beat them!

Orubia: Mm! *nods* No other particular place to go right?

Driving along in my automobile/Hayami beside me at the wheel…

Hayami: Sessha agree. Earlier we find them, sooner Lady Fina shall be prepared to fight.

If any sentence needed a parenthetical pronoun clarification, it’s this one.

Fina: Hey what about my feelings? Don’t you care about my opinion at all…

Obviously not!

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So Ryle asks how we get in Abyss, Flare answers bizarrely, and we decide to head out. And everyone remembers Mariel only when she speaks up.

Everyone: Oh, we forgot.


Before heading out to the Abyss, I have a couple stops: first, I get moderately thanked by the royal family for saving their asses twice now. Outside the throne room, Gohu ninja-loiters, and he says he has a message for Hayami from headquarters, which we’ve somehow traveled the world and never seen. He gives her a sword.

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Hayami: It’s…for Sessha!?

Gohu: The whole world’s fate lays on your hands. This is at least we could do. Gomen! (sorry)

“I mean, we would help you fight, but we’re kinda going to see Kenta’s band play, and then we were all going to hang at his place…”

Hayami: …Thank you. Sessha accept it with great honor.

Gohu: [i]We are counting on you!

“…And when I am alone I count myself!”

Hayami: [i]With this katana, Sessha can master the “final technique”!!

So Hayami learns Moon Circle Blade, which really isn’t that much more powerful than her earlier attacks. She also becomes an “Ohn-mitsu,” which I think I ate once at a sushi restaurant. The game translates it as “Top Secret Agent,” but who knows?

After handing over 30 victory points to Vash, he makes a castle appear near, but not accessible from, Southern Cray, which nobody remembers by now. Well, I have little else to do, so let’s head there.

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Not much at first, just a few traps and an item I already bought at the store. Hmm. I take Latyss, Orubia, and Hayami to negate any incoming bothers, and the monsters inside are just from earlier in the game Eventually, mostly through remembering what I did in a previous play-through, I find a staircase hidden behind a curtain and get down to the basement. Ryle encounters a door.

Ryle: [i]Mm! I can sense danger inside!! I’d better save before going any further.

Always listen to the main character.

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I have no idea how he reached this conclusion. None. But Ryle’s Spidey Sense tingles and…

Posted Image

We have Bonus Boss.

Actually, I’m facing him really early, but who cares? Not me. This is no cinema scene, no deus ex machina, just a straightforward battle. Finally.

Besides an occasional poisoning, the battle’s much longer than it is hard. Hayami’s new move, costing over twice as much MP as any of her previous ones, poison it in turn, and I just keep using the party’s most powerful attacks. The biggest problem is running out of MP and using a turn to have someone feed themselves or another a Dinner Jello to restore the MP. The boss apparently had a move to attempt to KO any of us with a 50/50 chance, but he didn’t use it.

The Dark Crimson (which wasn’t very crimson at all) is defeated, and we get a boatload of experience and gold, and the items, two of which bestow super moves, the last gives you something to do with victory points after getting all of the rewards from the guy (which, by the by, we haven’t yet).

Ryle learns super Tiger-based move Tohdanken, and give Mariel High Dimension, as everyone else LEARNS super kick-ass moves. Let’s get outta here. But first…

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that felt good.

#38 Sir Exal

Sir Exal

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Posted 15 July 2010 - 03:25 PM

I head back to the Delstars’ house to rest, and while I’m there, I notice something I could have done a while ago. I look at the cross showing where Fina’s father, Rain, is rotting underneath the ground, and an option comes up asking if I want to pay my respects.

Hint: If you’re aiming at Fina, then you know what to do. Also you can see Flare’s past memories.

Okay, that’s just creepy. But oh well…

Fina: Mm… My dad’s tomb. Hero Rain Excellize

“It says Rain Delstar on the plaque.” “Yeah…my mom’s in denial like that.”

Ryle: Excellize!? You mean the Excellize of “old Gaiares Empire”!?

Fina: Dad’s older brother was the emperor of “Gaiares Empire”…Emperor Zeskar Excellize.

Where does Zestrum fit in here? Was he adopted into the royalty for his equally silly name?

Fina: And my aunt is his wife…Empress Catyss Delstar…

Ryle: Frankly your background is quite impressive.

“Though I do question this link on your family tree where you’re related to Mick Jagger.”

Fina: But you are a prince right? I think your royal background is as impressive as mine!

Ryle: But how did your father die?

“In a monsoon. Ironic, now that I think about it.”

Fina: Dad had many sickness since he was little. But the direct cause of his death was Leukemia, and he had another problem.

I think if you have leukemia, you’re screwed without any other problems.

Fina: Dad had “Silense Disease”.

No, Fina, after he got married, that was just his joke.

Rryle: You mean the disease which your body get in shock or even paralyzed when force yourself to speak?

Wow. Did he really need to have both a terminal blood cancer and a horrible and kind of ridiculous disease, both? Did you consider that maybe God wanted your father dead?

Fina: Mom challenged CHAOS and failed miserably after she just became the Sacred Dragoon. She lost her total confidence and fell into very deep depression.

“From what I heard, her mistake killed thousands. More importantly, she felt bad.”

Fina: She almost gave it up. And dad forced him self to talk, in order to comfort her and get her out of the slump. Even his throat started bleeding, dad never stoped encouraging mom to fight.

“You can do it, my darling! I have one thing to say to you, and that’s garrrrrraggagggagggale(plop).”

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We fade to the starscape from the theme song for some reason, and Fina keeps narrating. Imagine Morgan Freeman reading it for fun.

Fina: After mom became the Sacred Dragoon, she headed straight into Astral Realm in order to face CHAOS.

Ryle: You mean right after she became the Sacred Dragoon?

“That is, in fact, what I just said.”

Fina: Because releasing her full power was too dangerous. It could destroy the entire world. So mom had to go to the other dimension where she could fight CHAOS with everything she got.

Ryle: That STRONG!? You gotta be kiddin me…

“Hey! Are you going to listen to my bittersweet tale of love, or are you going to complain?”

Fina: The final battle between mom and CHAOS took place in the Astral Realm…. The place where Mahzoks originally came from.

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And then…we actually dispose with the pretense and actually have a cinema scene with a battle environment! Flare can’t deny it anymore! At least I don’t have to keep choosing attacks. The attack Flare uses doesn’t work.

CHAOS: HA! Your power as Saint Dragooon is pathetic! You are no match for me with the imature Dragon Gene which you just got from Sentinel!

Flare: It can’t be! My Omega Wave is the ultimate magic which the full blast can even destroy a planet!!

CHAOS: It’s no use!! No matter how powerful the attack, my Dimensional Barrier simply warp the energy into other time and space! Nothing in this world can touch me or even harm me! HooWaHahaha!!!

I love this dialogue. It’s so bad.

Flare: I can’t! As long as that barrier is around, my attacks will be bounced off to somewhere else…

No…Apparently, all you have to do is attack while using Warp.

Mysterious Voice: F…LA…R….E….. Urgh!

I challenge anyone to pronounce ‘Flare’ like that, particularly the pause before the silent e.

Flare: !?

Mysterious Voice: Why…are…you……So *cough! cough!* weak hearted….

Ouch. Way to encourage her.

Flare: The voice!? Rain!? Is that you speaking? But you can’t talk!!

“Oh, great, the voices are back.”

Flare: Not only that I am in another dimension. There’s no way Rain’s voice can reach here…

Rain: Never…give up!! Flare I know…wouldn’t give up hope! She’s…that kind of…girl! That’s…who you are…and…what you really are!

I should mention his little picture is bleeding from the mouth. It’s so cute.

Flare: But…I can’t think of any ways to defeat CHAOS.

“Oh, boo hoo, you can’t think of anything. I’m the one talking through dimensions while in incredible pain here.“ Yeah, how he does it is never explained either.

Rain: But you’re still alive!! You can continue on fighting as long as you live, and you shall win!! I have faith in Flare!! I believe you can…defeat CHAOS!!

I believe I shouldn’t have to pay over $3.00 for a good latte, yet here we are.

Rain: You must win and come back to…ME!

Good lord, all that was cheesy.

Flare: Yes I will Rain!! I’ll use all I got to destroy CHAOS!!

“Yeah, excuse me? I’ve been right here the whole time, watching you talk to yourself.”

CHAOS: You little girl just never give up!! DIE! Saint Dragoon!!

Flare: CHAOS’ power is rising rapidly!!!

It’s over NINE…enh, it’s been done.


Flare warps the attack away…again…and even CHAOS can’t believe how bullshit it is.

CHAOS: You were able to warp the massive energy Omega Cluster into thin AIR!!!?

I’ll spare you the rest as Flare realizes “atom particles” (What? Atoms and particles are two very different things, and beside that, particles are made of atoms!) are small enough to break through spell barriers and…oh god, this kid has been watching too much anime…and uses Cosmos Eternal to charge a bunch of atoms with energy and shoot them at CHAOS.

More than a feeling (more than a feeling)
When I hear that old song they used to play
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
Til I see Marianne walk away…
I see my Marianne walkin’ awaaaaaaaaaay!!

Thank you. Flare reveals she was able to beat CHAOS because she was human, which confuses CHAOS as much as it does the rest of us.

Flare: One himan is weak indeed. That’s why we humans help and support each other to live. I wasn’t fighting alone. My loved ones, friends, and many other people…

“Hey, I killed most of them.”

Flare: Because I got someone who gives me love and courage, I was able to sum up all their power into one.

Dancing with myself
Cause I’m-a dancing with myself

Wait, wait, this might just be a metaphor and not--

Flare: People’s heart…can reach any place, even to the different world…(Like his words came to my heart)

…Let ‘em have it, BRD.

There's nothing to lose
And there's nothing to prove
And I’ll be dancing with myself

Chaos is defeated, even with the downright silly fanfare. On the starscape again, Fina says that somehow the burst of transdimensional tête-à-tête weakened Rain even more, and his illness got worse.

Fina: Then it happened 2 years ago… His Leukemia caused his immune system to collapse later he…

Okay, you officially have no concept of what leukemia is.

Fina: If he didn’t force himself to speak during the battle, he would’ve been standing right besides me now.

So he used the last of his energy to be able to speak to Flare in her time of need, and only lived another SIXTEEN YEARS. BULL--

I don’t care about indecision
And I don’t wanna be left behind
People living in competition
All I want is to have my piece of miiiiiiiiiind

Back in the real world, Ryle and Fina re-affirm their devotion to the fight against creatures of ultimate evil and swear to fight together. Boy, that was long and annoying. Not pointless, at least. The point wasn’t a good one, but at least there was one.

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And so we descend into Abyss. Or…stroll into Abyss, I guess. Looks like you do simply walk into Mordor.

These first cliffs, as well as a few gaps in the next rooms, are cleared with Latyss using React Wind, even if she isn’t in the active party. Good, Flare, you’ve learned that having to switch to the right party members is laborious and annoying. Good for you.

We get a new add-on for Mariel and a new sword for Ryle, and move on.

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Abyss itself. Who knew the underworld was platforms with a poorly separated pattern floating by on the floor. Learn something new every day, I suppose. There are teleporters to each of the directions here, but the one to the right simply takes you to the one on the left, making you think it’s bigger until you take three seconds to investigate. Due to a rather tragic error with the background music, the only sound at present is the sound of falling water. Hmm.

I head into the north transporter circle. All that’s here, aside from lava and fire, is a chest. I go to open the chest and…

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Flare, you stupid sonnuvabitch. Epic music, naturally, plays.

Ryle: What a BGM!!

Equally naturally, that isn’t funny.

Mega Dasher: I’m as fast as the speed of light, as splendid as the comet, and as brilliant as the sun!!

But what can you do to tall buildings?

Ryle: Umm…why are you keep running like this?

Mega Dasher: Now you shall taste the true fear from my power!

Ryle: Ok ok, I’m already scared. Just leave me alone PLEASE~

We all have the same dream. Let’s see if I can’t defeat him before they start talking aga--

Mega Dasher: Ha! You think I’m finished already!


Ryle: What the!?

The Mega Dasher heals. Ryle reacts. I don’t care.

Mega Dasher: Don’t even try to compare ME with other losers! I only do fighting like a man, no running away, no suicide, and no other pathetic stuffs!!

If the most glowing accolade you can give for your miniboss is “he doesn’t commit suicide,” your miniboss is bad.

So I kill him. God, I’m bored. Ryle gripes that he’s wasting time, and I get another attachment for Mariel’s gun, oddly enough. The last one gives her a supremely powerful attack, though, so I’ll stick with that.

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The room to the south…well, Ryle isn’t kidding. I have to use the switches to move the knights onto the glowing floor tiles. However, the switches move all of the knights at once. This gets very easy once you realize the pillars with the spheres on them are pushable. I use them to prevent the giant chess pieces from moving, and solve this puzzle in no time.

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…And dive straight into another puzzle, one that is, god forbid, actually clever! There’s a line of bizarre and varied obstacles. Each one can be surmounted by two or more girls. The puzzle involves the fact that you have to use each girl once and only once to get past the obstacles. More than one way to do it, naturally….

But here’s my preferred solution anyway. Mariel destroys a wall, Orubia uses light magic to dispose of darkness glomming onto the bridge, Caris burns down a wall of ice, Hayami’s Suijin jutsu puts out a fire pillar, Latyss uses wind to hit a distant switch, and finally…Miss Delstar, tear down this wall! Nothing like using my friends like a tool chest.

While doing all this, I find a staff that holds the Elemental of Fire, Flam.

Wait, Flam? Not Efreet? You were too lazy to look up the proper term for the god of fire…so you just took the ‘e’ off of flame? You…how can…

Urrrgh. Forget it, just forget it. They have a short, stupid conversation and then Latyss makes contact with Flam and gets a new weapon in the bargain. I don’t care anymore.

The puzzle is finished, and Ryle knocks down one last wall. What does this place have against walls?

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We enter the passage and am in what Fina says is Dracoheim; I’ll have to take her word for it. The rest of the party attempts to enter the glowy gradient thing and are immediately stopped by a transparent barrier.

Ryle: Ack!

Caris: OUCH-!!

Mariel: Kya!

Fina: Come on, stop flooling around.

Fina shows once again that she is unable to hear anything that she isn’t looking at.

Ryle: What the hell is this!? There’s some kind of wall in front of me!!

Caris: It hurts~ It just messed up my pretty face.

Mariel: I hit my nose on this invisible wall…

Well, it can’t get much clearer than that (ba-dum-tssh!).

Fina: Wall? Where!? I don’t see any!

…Okay, Fina, are you loose on the definition of the term “invisible”?

Latyss: What’s going on?

Was no one paying attention to the group’s interjections of pain?

Orubia: We could not pass this entance except Sis Fina…

Hayami: Maybe because Lady Fina has something we don’t have… That must be…

Blank. Panel? “Hair that works?” “I said ‘a believable character.’” “My answer was ‘Pointless character flaws.’” “Her virginity.” “I said ‘a healthy hatred of the rest of the party.’”

Fina: The “Dragon Gene”! So that’s why!!

Ryle: Ryle somehow I can’t use my “Warp” here! There’s no way we can get in.

“Somehow I can’t use a move I have in a way I shouldn’t be able to but usually do anyway!”

Latyss: Then Fina must go on alone from this point.

Caris: I know, no other way around.

Ryle: But think about it. It might be a good thing for all of us, especially Fina.

“We’re really just holding her back.”

Ryle: She wont have to face any more Mahzoks inside the temple.

Well, inasmuch as we haven’t seen any since setting out…

Caris: Fina, we’ll wait here. Herry up’n get the “Dragoon Arms”.

Fina: But but…

“I’m useless! Don’t you get that?”

Everyone encourages her, and Fina finally gets the cojones to go forth through the area that only she can go in. Sigh.

The next few passages, while devoid of random encounters, have a number of fireballs hovering back and forth across the hallway. Letting them hit Fina does considerable damage and knocks her back. One really does have to be careful; the fireballs can kill you, and without a consistent reminder of Fina’s HP, zero can sneak up on you pretty damn fast.

Eventually, I reach the last room, where there are four chests surrounded by magic circles. In the middle stands a purple dragon. No, I’m not making any Barney jokes. Fina greets the lavender lizard, despite her uncertainty.

Dragon: You seem caution. But why? We are allies since way back in “Demonic War.”

Yeah, but if you’ve been here since then, you’re probably pretty hungry by now…

Fina: …Why are you here?

Dragon: We decided to fight against the Mahzoks. And I’m here to guard the Arms.

Fina: ……I see. So this is another way.

Dragon: ? What did you say?

Fina: Victory Buster-!!

“No, I don’t think that was it.”

Dragon: What!?

Fina: Any dragon can enter this place. Including you…DARK DRAGON!! Traitor of dragon clan, and sided with the Mahzoks!

“It was obvious, once I figured out what color you were!”

Dark Dragon: …Perhaps I underestimated this kid too much. She seems to be more powerful than I expected.

Fina: (Shoot! I should’ve expected of Mahzoks gaining access like this!)

Darn Mahzoks…taking our jobs, stealing our country…

Dark Dragon: Like you already have realized I can kill you with ease.

“So I will!” GAME OVER!

Dark Dragon: Curse the Arms which is protected by some impenetrable barrier, I would’ve just finished you and your friends outside.

“Sorry, I’m rambling, I just like having someone to talk to.”

Fina: Even If I’m gone, my mom is still alive!

Dark Dragon: Keh Keh Keh! Of course I know that!! And I also know that Flare isn’t capable of using Cosmos Eternal now.

Fina: !? (Cosmos Eternal!)

Wait, isn’t Cosmos Eternal that new Xenosaga game?

Dark Dragon: Otherwise she wouldn’t send you over here to become the new Sacred Dragoon!

Fina: (But no Mahzok I know is powerful enough to need the use of the Cosmos Eternal! Unless it’s…) !! (OH NO! So their real plan is…!)

Flare? We figured it out, okay? Especially since I just watched that flashback scene. Stop trying.

Dark Dragon: You’ll DIE here before that happens!

“If you’re done internally monologing, I do have things to do.” So Fina tries to fight back with Victory Buster, but the Dragon harries her with fire, making her unable to charge it. Since we’re not in battle yet, it’s not turn-based. So all seems lost, and you know what that means…Deus ex machina!

????: What a pity. For you are the heir of Flare…

“Hey, that rhymes!”

Fina: Huh?

A man with absurd amounts of facial hair and wearing a red cloak appears. Ooo.

Dark Dragon: Hmm…We got an interesting guest here.

“Mel Gibson, everyone!”

????: You are Fina Delstar right? Thank you for saving 2 young clansmen of ours.

Fina: 2 young clansmen? Who are they? And what about you…?

????: Only the dragons or the ones with Dragon Gene are allowed to enter the temple. Haven’t you figured out yet little one?

Yes, we have! Stop dodging around it!

Fina: That means you are a dragon!? And the people you mentioned were those green dragons at elven mine!

“Sorry, I repressed that.”

????: They weren’t dead back then, thanks to the cunning act by that youngman named Ryle.

Fina: OMG! You mean they’re alive!?

“Gag me with a spoon!”

???? Also we were able to find our little ones taken as hostages.

So the green dragons aren’t dead, despite the game saying to the contrary multiple times! And the baby dragons are okay! And everybody lives in magical Happyland!! GAH!

Carry on my wayward son
There’ll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest…
Don’tcha cry no more

????: Fina, I’ll buy some time! Release all of your power thru the Dragon Gene! Once the Dragoon Arms has reacted to your will, you shall become the Sacred Dragoon!!

Fina: B-But you make is sound so easy…

“It IS easy for someone who isn’t useless!”

????: Remind yourself WHY you have come so far! And don’t be afraid. Trust your heart-

Never give up. Trust your instincts!

Dark Dragon: Trying to stop ME!?

????: By all means necessary.

Dark Dragon: I won’t allow that to happen! DIE DRAGON LORD-!!

Dragon Lord? So, what, is he Tiamat or something?

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So we enter a battle with the Dark Dragon. Check out that opaque shadow. I can’t let either fighter die. The Dragon Lord has all sorts of neat moves, but since this is just a story battle, there’s no point at all to using them. There’s a few back-and-forths, naturally, where the charging Fina keeps getting a 404 with the Dragoon Arms. The Dark Dragon uses schoolyard taunts a lot. The battle lasts for too long until finally it seems that Fina gives up.

Fina: Oh no! We can’t beat him…

Dark Dragon: Like I said before! You’re just a kid with Dragon Gene period!

Okay, ew.

Dragon Lord: …Fina. The Arms shall refuse to respond as long as you only seek their power.

“They’re like women that way. Only interested in what’s not coming after them.”

Dragon Lord: The Arms have their own wills like us, and you were treating them as mere tools!

Dark Dragon: Lecturing at a time like this!? Too late for that!

“The lecture period is from 11-12!”

Dragon Lord: Don’t forget! Your will must reach their hearts!!

“Use the three-inch scalpel!”

Fina: (I should’ve known this earlier… They refused me because I ignored their feelings…)

They are women!

Fina: You guys (Dragoon Arms)… I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. But please help me and my friends! I need you in order to protect everyone-!!

The Dragoon Arms‘ chests flash, Dark Dragon attempts to attack, but the Dragon Lord holds him back.

Dragon Lord: Shut up and watch this!

Pretty lights flash up and collide into Fina, and Fina yells in surprise until finally she enters Sacred Dragoon state.

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NEXT TIME: The Girl #7 meal, and put wings on it!

#39 Sir Exal

Sir Exal

    Still Here, somehow.

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Posted 24 August 2010 - 11:55 AM

Part the Seventeenth: I Love Lucitta

Don’t worry, just this and one more part to go, then just endings and omake. What a dumb, strange trip it’s been.

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Speaking of trips, take your consciousness-affecting drug of choice now, because this is a doozy. When I left off, Fina had just fulfilled her destiny by activating the Dragoon Arms and becoming the legendary Sacred Dragoon, or at least as legendary as twenty years ago can be, complete with sprite and picture change.

Dark Dragon: It can’t be!!

Fina: Thank you guys(Dragoon Arms).


Dragon Lord: Finally things are going well.

I wouldn’t go that far.

Fina: Get down gramps! I’ll take care of him from now on!

“Sorry, did you miss the fact I have extreme power as well?”

Dragon Lord: Please be easy on him. I don’t want to see you becoming the next god of destruction!

“I’m not explaining that to the cops again.”

Fina: I will! The Arms can control their own power.

Dark Dragon: Let’s see how much power you can handle! I can still kill you since you don’t have full control of your power yet!!

“As long as the plot doesn’t get really dumb during the battle!”

Dark Dragon: The hell with you! DIE-!!

So battle. The first few rounds, are, naturally, pointless, as the dragon heals after each turn so we can enjoy more expertly written dialogue.

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Fina: It may sound like bluffing, but I wont lose to you!

Well, it’s not a very good bluff if you start by saying it‘s a bluff!

Dark Dragon: Even after you’ve become the Sacred Dragoon, you are still an amatuer Valkyire!

“I’m a lot of things, but that isn’t one of ‘em.”

Fina: …Fine then! You’ll soon find out the painful truth!

Serenity wasn’t all that good!” After a couple turns, the Dragon has to stop to taunt.

Dark Dragon: As I expected, you seemed unable to pull out much of your power!

Scientific truth; pulling out just isn’t effective.

Fina: ……

Dark Dragon: Keh Keh Keh Keh- Read your mind?

“No? Wait, yes? No, thanks…? What was the question?”

Fina: Haven’t I told you to watch out for my power?

Dark Dragon: So what!

“I have been looking out! Haven’t seen a sign of it yet!”

Fina: Haven’t you realized yet? I’m using only 10% of my power.

…Why, again?

Dark Dragon: WHAT!? Impossible!

Fina: That means I can use particular spell you might know already… You see I got Draconic Buster and Rune Disaster in my hands.

“So what do I have?” “Very big hands.”

Fina: Rune Disaster-! Draconic Buster-! Unite at once!

DNA Digivolve to….Christ, I’m a geek.

Dark Dragon: !! The swords!

And the five of pentacles! And the queen of wands! And the Tower card!

Fina: This is the true form of the Draconic Buster-!! OMEGA WAVE-!!

What’s with all the hyphens today? Was there a sale?

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So yeah, OMEGA WAVE hyphen exclamation point exclamation point, Fina glows and shoots a fireball, the dragon takes a lot of damage and the battle really starts oh wait Fina regains all of her health and MP every turn now for some reason. So all I have to do is use Omega Wave seven more times. The dragon stops the battle temporarily to bitch about losing, but he’s on the bullet train to explodyville.

Dark Dragon: How could this happen…I, Dark Dragon, have been toyed by a little girl…

“Wait, no, toyed? What did I…oh, shit, my last line and I screw it up! My mom’s gonna be so disappointed!” Boom.

Fina: Your name is Dragon Lord right? Think I heard that name from my mom when she was young…

“Actually, it’s Glen, but everyone calls me that for some reason. It started in college, and it just stuck.”

Dragon Lord: I am the 2nd Dragon Lord. It was the previous Dragon Lord who helped Flare and later passed away.

The job ages you fast, I guess.

Dragon Lord: I admire your kindness from heart. Not many can do that any more. Now get going! You should know by now the real purpose of the Mahozoks!!

“But don’t say it in case the player hasn’t yet!”

Fina: Yeah, I totally do! I better join Ryle quick!

“Totally!” There’s some pointless chatter about the dragons fighting on their own front but not wanting to cooperate with humans, but the Dragon lord tells Fina she’ll be a leader and fisher of men, motivating others to join the cause, not that there’ll be a cause once our little group kills all the Mahzoks. With a final “No more sorrow in people’s hearts!” Fina teleports back to the entrance of Dracoheim for some reason.

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Fina appears, and the others immediately coo over her.

Latyss: She’s finally awakened!

“I was in a magical, wonderful place--and none of you were there! It was so great!”

Caris: Sacred Dragoon!?

Mariel: Wow! She even got wings!

Orubia: But isn’t it too early for you to transform?

Do you really want to stretch this out more?

Fina: I had to. There was Mahzok inside the Drcoheim.

Ryle: No way! I thought only the ones with the Dragon Gene could enter the place!

I’m astounded Ryle kept track of the plot.

Fina: All dragons can enter the temple. And I was attacked by Dark Dragon.

Caris: I see! Some dragons are on Mahzok’s side!

You figured something out, Caris! Have a smiley face sticker![/I]

Latyss: I can imagine you had very tough time back there.

Fina: Old friend of my mom, Dragon Lord, came and fought with Dark Dragon so I could transform on time.

Yes, that was exactly what just effing happened! Thank you for summing it up!

Fina: And I finally figured out Mahzok’s real scheme!

A Ponzi scheme!

Ryle: Their real goal!?

A massive Ponzi scheme.

Hayami: Weren’t they split in 2 opposing groups!?

Fina: Yes… It was part of their plan, to make us thing that way.

They planned you’d jump to a ludicrous conclusion?

Fina: Ryle told me once that the Soul Eater was hunting people back in Dannyon Mine.

I know it may look like she’s digressing, but don’t worry. She’s really, really digressing.

Ryle: But as long as 2 people travel together, no one got hurt! And that was part of their plan??

They wanted to kill all of the single people!

Fina: It was scary tactic!

Hayami: Scary!?

When Hayami knows you didn’t use the right word, you’re in trouble.

Fina: Mahzoks want humans to fear as deep as possible, in order to draw out the most negative emotions.

…So they threatened a backwater with extremely inefficient death?

Latyss: Negative emotions!?

Ryle: Like sorrow, pain, desperation, and all other bad memories!?

Sounds like the lineup for an emo band festival.

Fina: To them (Mahzoks), it’s the best source of energy, negative energy.

It’s a renewable resource!

Fina: You guys have defeated Soul Eater. So they moved on to the next step. That is taking over Factoria to throw the entire kingdom into panic.

There are three things wrong with that. 1) Xaktor and presumably the Mahzok queen had control of the kingship for years; 2) I didn’t see no panicking; and 3) are you going to sum up the entire goddamn game?!

Hayami: Of course the bad news will leak out and eventually throw the public into unrest.

That. Didn’t. Happen.

Caris: In order to gather as much negative energy as possible!!

Ryle: Then why luring me back to Factoria Castle?

Fina: Simple. To Lord Acemel and Prince Dyss, your arrival will remind them the saddest memories. Which will conjure up the best negative energy they wanted! Not only that, if the 2nd royal prince pops out all of sudden, it will send shockwave to everyone.

…So if I stopped them or if I didn‘t, I’d still be doing exactly what they wanted. Arrgh, this is dumb.

Orubia: They why the Mahzoks kept following us for!?

Ryle: I thought they were trying to slow us down.

Fina: At first they wanted to get rid of us since we got in their way.

Although we were also doing what they wanted at least stay consistent in your own stupid scene!!

Latyss: At first?

Fina: Like Ryle said, they were trying to drag us behind.

Ryle: But what for? They would’ve just finish us all at once without any more delays.

I wish they had.

Fina: They could if they came in large number, but they didn’t.

Ryle: They didn’t!?

No, Ryle, they didn’t! Not only did she just say that, but you lived what she was talking about!!

Fina: No, otherwise they would not even bother to use “Dimensional Cannon”.

Ryle: Did you mean that these Mahzoks we fought before, they knew they might lose if they fight alone!?

Fina: Even if they lose, the prime goal is reached, buying more time for them.

None of this makes any sense and we aren’t even half done with this scene!

Ryle: Is collecting energy THAT important!?

Fina: To them, of course!

They’re hoarders, it’s a mental disorder.

Orubia: I don’t get it Sis Fina.

I’m not surprised.

Mariel: They can’t fight because they are hungry?

These leaps in logic are getting to Olympic-long-jump length.

Latyss: Then how were they able to keep silent for all these years? It doesn’t make sense.

Neither will the explanation, but we’ll have to live with that.

Mariel: Miss Latyss…she’s very sharp!

Fina: Just think about it. Since when they start to appear?

Caris: Recently.

You get a second gold star, Caris! You’re so smart today!

Fina: That means the Mahzoks were able to sustain themselves without such huge supply of negative energy?

Orubia: Then why would they need so much all of sudden?

In-laws staying for the weekend?

Mariel: Maybe to feed someone who needs it.

Caris: How did you come to the conclusion so quickly?

She read ahead in the script so we could get done with this!

Fina: Good job Mariel.

Caris: What? She was right?

Mariel: Yay~! Finally I did it right!!

Fina: Stop making a fuss out of it!

“Feel ashamed of yourself!”

Ryle: But she was right on the part that they were gathering large amount of negative energy.

As was previously said! Get on with this!!

Fina: I got the initial clue from Dark Dragon’s words…Then it became very clear when I realized the fact that I was his only target!

“They want to kill the plot device character to end the game!”

Ryle: Come to think it, not a single Mahzok attacked us while guarding the entrance! Why!?

For the umpteenth time, because you. Don’t. Matter.

Fina: They were afraid of me become the Sacred Dragoon and able to use 1 particular spell after that.

Ryle: Fina!! You mean the galatic scale spell you told me before!?

Fina: You remembered. That’s right.

You know, at the end of this I bet it turns out that water kills the Mahzoks. Or they upload a computer virus to the Mahzoks’ mothership. Something like that.

Fina: Cosmos Eternal…Mom used it to defeat CHAOS.

Mariel: Waa!?

She’s the Penguin now, somehow.

Ryle: Collecting negarive energy and… Cosmos Eternal… You mean!! *eyes wide open*

Welcome to this place, I’ll show you everything…

Orubia: Dear Ryle…!? Did you figure it out?

Yes! He did! I did! Everybody did! Get it out already!!

Fina: Seems he got it. Mahzok’s real purpose is…Return of CHAOS!!

And react shots…now.

Mariel: Waaaaaaaaaaaa!!?

Hayami: That can’t be!!

Caris: Return of…

Orubia: CHAOS!!?

Latyss: But Lady Flare destroyed CHAOS completely with this spell!

She killed him softly with this spell, she killed him softly with this spell!

Fina: CHAOS originally is the being who oversees the destruction and rebirth of the universe. So it’s impossible to erase him completely. Since he is a part of this world.

“His name is just a bad PR decision.”

Ryle: But that means CHAOS eventually returns no matter how many times we defeat him!

He’s like Nicholas Cage!

Fina: CHAOS is a being of now will. But the Mahozks summoned him and brought him mind and intelligence. In order to worship him as their master!

Wow, the Mahzoks didn’t have God, so it was necessary to create Him.

Caris: So all they were doing was to delay us enough time to complete the resurrection of CHAOS?

…Wouldn’t it have been much more fortuitous to kill them outright? CHAOS wasn’t getting any less resurrected!

Orubia: Oh NO! The “Demonic War” will happen all over again!

“We’ll have to start calling the Demonic War ‘Planar War I’ or something!”

Ryle: We will stop him before that can happen!

Fina: Right now I don’t have enough power to defeat CHAOS! We have to stop the resurrection!

Hayami: However!

…Yes? Care to finish that thought, Hayami? Or at least say something other than a conjunction?

Caris: We don’t know where he is!

Latyss: Don’t you sense anything? Fina, you should have noticed his presence.

I sense this scene has gone on for way too long.

Fina: Not at this moment. CHAOS is not back yet.

Mariel: What can we do then?

Block party!

Ryle: Go back to Lavas first! We need Lady Flare’s advice.

What? No. Don’t go back to--we don’t need her advice, we don’t--dammit.

So I have to walk out of Abyss and go back to the hideout for some damn reason and talk to Flare for some damn reason.

Flare: What did you just say!? Return of CHAOS!!

Oh, she’s just going to be a font of useful information, I tell you what.

Fina: It must be mom! Mahzoks have been feeding CHAOS all along.

“Our only hope is he’s now morbidly obese!” And why is Fina blaming her mother?

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Fina can’t sense where CHAOS is crashing, event though her crazy messiah senses should extend to the Astral Realm. Everyone panics.

Orubia: This is going nowhere!

You’re only now realizing this?

Hayami: Is there a spell to block the Sacred Dragoon’s senses?

Fina: I already searched the Gaiares just in case. Found nothing so far.

A--jee--buh--When?! When did you search the inaccessible sunken city? When I was healing?

Ryle: You can even sense that far away, still no sign of CHAOS?

Fina: Just don’t know why. I even searched among Mahzoks. And couldn’t find any.

How, goddammit, HOW?

Flare: How about tracing the magical power?

Fina: Course I tried! Using the resonance of Omega Wave as a sonar… All I got was the sound of explosion and the cry of low-class Mahzoks.

You know what? Screw this. I’m done trying to make sense of all these powers and plots. The group makes fun of Mariel again and confer with Flare about how she found CHAOS the first time (overconfident Mahzoks let her waltz in to the Astral Realm). Finally, Ryle announces he has an idea! How do I know that no matter how stupid it is, everyone will go along with it?

Flare: !?

Caris: You found the way?

Mariel: Huh? You can find it!?

Hayami: Where CHAOS is hiding?

Latyss: Ryle…you mean!

Orubia: W-what is it?

Fina: !!

SHUT UP and let him say it! And they’re going to be disappointed when the idea turns out just to be to get Chinese food tonight.

Ryle: It’s Fina… Let her enter the Astral Realm.

Fina: That’s too risky. I don’t even know how to use the Cosmos eternal.

Go with it. When haven’t stupid, suicidal plans worked in this game?

Flare: You’re taking your chances. Fina should win unless CHAOS is awakened. But once CHAOS has returned, she might lose even with her full power.

Ryle: There’s no other way. We just hope that finding CHAOS before the awakening.

Wasn’t your plan before now wait around and hope CHAOS’s presence becomes apparent?

Fina: That’s an huge gamble!!

“If I bet on us, we’ll be rich!”

Flare: Yes. We will be betting the fate of the entire world.

Mariel: But that’s too exaggerated…

When has the fate of the world ever been exaggerated?

Ryle: CHAOS is in charge of destruction and recreation of this universe. Getting rid of our planet is very simple task to CHAOS.

“And we plan to beat him in a swordfight.”

Caris: And we are about to pick a fight on THAT kind of opponent!?

“Screw you guys, I’m going home!”

So everyone tosses their support behind Fina and shows their determination to save the world. Never give up, never surrender; there is no limit to what can be done; fight, Megaman for everlasting peace; rock and roll is here to stay, and so on.

Flare: Fina…now you should be able to use the Teleport. Right honey?

Fina: Teleport? The spell which can travel between dimensions?

“What, you didn’t get it? Ugh, you’re useless as a daughter and a messiah.”

Flare: It also can be used to neutralize enemy’s spells because you can transport any forms of energy.

“Can I transport CHAOS into the sun?” “No.” “Can I transport a lightning storm into him?” “No.” “…Can I at least use this extremely useful talent in battle?” “Only when the plot says you can, honey.” “My powers suck.”

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So she gains teleport, we go to mount an attack on a whole dimension full of evil creatures, and everyone says really stupid things.

But this is an RPG, so before we get to the final area, we have some side-events to get super weapons. Just what I wanted, more playing this game.

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So first we head back to Rune Tri, and I bet you don’t even remember what the hell that is, where a large, obvious bow waits on top of a pillar. I’m not sure how it stays stretched out like that. There’s an equally obvious inscription.

“New power shall be granted to the one who is worthy to Elementals.”

Latyss: “Worthy to Elementals”… A summoner? Summoner Staff? It’s worth a try.

No, I’m sure it’s just asking for donations. You get a tote bag. Latyss does…something, which is odd ‘cause I don’t even have the staff equipped. The bow plunges off the pillar and into her hands. She receives the “Ultimate Magic Bow,” the Elven Bow, as well as the “highest honor among elves, “El Master”!!” So does she get a plaque, or a letter from the owner of the company or what?

With the Elven Bow, we can activated another scene I found when I was nosing through the code. I travel to the Blue Bridge, which, in case you don’t feel like heading back to the second section of this play through, was the bridge before Southern Cray City, which you have absolutely no reason to go to after you get the boat. None. How anyone was supposed to find this, I don’t know.

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So while wandering through an area the group has absolutely no reason to wander through, they espy a…thing floating in the river.

Fina: Caris, don’t you get the same bad feeling like before?

I got a baaad feeling about this.

Caris: Yeah…something very familiar and unpleasant.

“Sorry, that was me.”

Orubia: Me too…Dear Ryle, just ignore it and let’s get going.

Mariel: Hmm…I wonder what makes the girls so uneasy about it?

…Aren’t you one of the girls? Wait, are you?

Latyss: Still don’t get the drift?

Mariel: Huh? What drift?

For once, I agree with her. A snowdrift, perhaps?

Ryle: Latyss, why not try to shoot it with Elven Bow?

Ah, the first instinct of an adventurer. Something unfamiliar? Attack it!

Latyss: Ryle? You sure about this?

Orubia: … Dear Ryle, just leave it there.

Fina: My intuition is telling me that we will regret later.

Ryle, like any responsible hero, never listens to his friends’ concerns.

Mariel: Can I try it?

Ryle: Hmm…I don’t know how long for you to hit the target.

Around thirty feet, it looks like.

Mariel: Come on, I’m a gunner for god’s sake…

Yes, but no one has shown any competency at all. Latyss has been with us longer.

Hayami: So we gonna do it then…

I don’t know, it’s not like anyone’s told him not to…

Latyss: Fine then! Everyone get out of my way.

Caris: You she’ll do it.

…After sixteen parts, I just don’t care.

Latyss shoots the floating boomerang, a spout of water comes up and …oh God.

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Fina: Damn I was right.

Orubia: Why a bat is swimming on the water?

Where do you suggest it swim?

Mariel: You mean bats can swim too?

Latyss: Who cares about that?

A lot of confused Zoologists, for one.

Ryle: Thought I made it clear last time! Stop ruining your own game for Christ’s sake-!!

If there was a time to stop this game from being ruined, it is looong past.

FLARE Bat R: Then next time don’t shoot an arrow to me! You think I enjoy talking to ya? Do ya?


Caris: Being lectured by a bat… *sigh*

“I only accept lectures from ground squirrels or higher!”

Mariel: I have a question. What’s that “R” stands for?

…I have no idea how you saw that, but okay.

FLARE Bat R: Let me show you!! Woo Wa Ha ha ha-!!!

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Latyss: She’s not kidding this time!

Fina: So huge!!

…No comment. Everyone reacts, in their own dumb way, and…

FLARE Bat R: Impressed? Or did I just scared the hell outta all of ya? This is my real power! The REAL form that’s why I used “R”!!! Now get ready for the spanking of your life time! Kah Ha ha ha-

I wish she had chosen…anything over the term “spanking.” And what the hell does “R” have to do with anything?!

Ryle: God. If you truly exist, please let me get rid of this moron once and for all…Amen.

…Amen…Dammit, I’m still here.

This one…takes a while. I still just gotta use the same powerful moves over and over again, but I actually have to stay awake. R only has two attacks besides its normal one--one that tries to make my party fall in sleep, and one that deals massive damage. If I don’t remember to keep up my heals, I get defeated rather quickly. But buffs make my characters plenty powerful, and I’ve got Ms. Plot Device herself, Fina, on my side, so it doesn’t take exceedingly long to win.

FLARE Bat R: …It’s not over yet! I’ll make you pay for this someday! Woo Wa Ha ha ha!!

It disappears, and Ryle scoffs truthfully…

Ryle: What a waste of time.

There’s also a weapon called the “Cross Melty” (what?) available at a place called the “Sword Tomb.” However, to get it, you need to have both obtained and not sold a sword found in a bookshelf in the lighthouse. I sold it already. Oh well, it was for Caris anyway.

#40 Sir Exal

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Posted 24 August 2010 - 11:57 AM

So, off we go then into the Astral Realm via Fina‘s Teleport. Nice to be able to do it without having to die first, I suppose. Fina makes it clear that in the Astral Realm We Cannot Go On Without Her, as she’s the one…I don’t know, making our heads not explode in the Astral Realm or something. She can’t fall unconscious. Just another fun inconvenience!

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I guess we’re doing our little turn on the space catwalk, on the space catwalk, on the space catwalk. Fina says her magic created what the party is walking on…except for the walls, the Mahzoks created those to block them. I’ve given up asking for explanations, so I’m not even going to bother.

The first thing I find is that the road forks. Somehow Fina posits this means the Mahzoks know they are here. I thought the creation of the walls had been enough to prove that, but oh well. To the north, a small gravestone just sits there, like a random object put into the landscape.

Ryle: !? Tombstone in the middle of nowhere?

Well, Tombstone’s in Arizona, but close enough.

Fina: Huh? Hey! Who put my name here?! I’ll break it into pieces!!

Ryle: Fina wait! Don’t break it!

“Only I and Caris are allowed arbitrary violence!”

Fina: Why not? It’s for the bad luck you know.

“Or foreshadowing.”

Ryle: Leave it as road sign so we wont get lost in here.

Fina: A very unpleasant road sign that is.

“I got a baaad feeling about this…again…”

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I fight some enemies for the experience and because I like the absolutely absurd background used here. I think I saw that spacescape on a bathroom floor once. Or possibly a quilt.

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The next area has 6 paths. When you step on one path, you zoom to the other side uncontrollably, sort of like driving a Toyota. You take every side path you come to, so you end up nowhere near where you’d thought you’d be…which would matter if you knew where you wanted to go. As it is, it’s just as random as anything.

Taking the correct one, (the second one from the top, if you must know) leads to a path and the path leads to a warp and the warp leads to a platform with a conspicuously burning fire. And the green grass grows all around.

Fina: The Demonlord has been expecting us for some time…

He baked a cake AND hired a band!

Orubia: Demonlord! W-Where!?

Caris: That fire? You mean THAT is the Demonlord?

Hayami: Are you sure!?

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were the Sacred Dragoon. What? You’re not? I am? I’m the one raised to kill demons? Then don’t say anything about what is or isn’t a demon!”

Latyss: Flam! What do you sense from that fire?


Flam: Power of fire beyond my reach… All of you, watch out!

“It was always burning since the world was turning!”

???: Even you, the fire elemental, would praise the enemy to such extent. He must be a very formidable foe.

Point, if the enemy has so much fire it out-fires the incarnation of fire…we may be screwed.

Latyss: Who was that?

Sylph: This voice!? It must be the old man!

Oh, not Herbert again…

Gnome: I came by in case you guys need my help.

“Which is unlikely, given the nonexistence of enemies weak to earth coming up, but…”

Latyss: How did you reach here?

A moronic plot contrivance, how else?

Gnome: It’s not that far away from our home world, and also being an elemental myself.

“All the same, I will need you to put in for gas.”

Latyss: Then will you lend me your power?

What do you have for collateral?

Gnome: Yes I will. This one is quite powerful indeed.

Gnome joins with Latyss! The excitement simply never stops in Romancing Walker.

Flam: Old man! You better get ready for the worst opponent ever!

The New York Mets?

Mariel: That strong? It looks like a small fire.

Caris: I know, quite different from what I have imagined.

Ryle: (Like huge fiend shooting flame out of its mouth, I guess…)

Well, sor-ry our demons don’t line up with your preconceived notions. To respond, a vaguely humanoid figure appears in the fire.

????: I am the Demonlord of Inferno Magni!

Ryle: Demonlord…Magni!

Caris: That’s a typical “boss” name…

Orubia: Sis Caris…

“I’ll have you know I’m named after my grandfather, who died in Korea. Yeah. Don’t feel so good about your comment now, huh?”

Hayami: (But why is he alone?)

Good question! Why don’t the demons all attack at once and *insensitivity* them sideways?

Mariel: I like it. Unique and easy to remember. Oh by the way, are you some kind of relative to Flam or Ifreet?

Ugh, are we still talking about this?

Demonlord Magni: And I also recognize you, Sacred Dragoon! The Dragon Valkyrie who sealed our Lord CHAOS with the “Dragoon Arms”!!

Fina: I am the daughter of Flare Delstar! I, Fina Delstar, wont allow CHAOS to return!!

“Oh, you’re not Flare? Sorry, I don’t have my contact lenses in.”

Demonlord Magni: It won’t be like 20 years ago!! I’ll stop you with all might and complete the return of Lord CHAOS!

“Four more years! Four more years!”

Ryle: (He is gonna fight alone? Perfect chance to separate their forces.)

The ones that are already separated?

Mariel: Wonder if my guns are useful on the Demonlords?

Somehow, they always seem to be.

Hayami: Lady Mariel! We just have to do what we can at this moment!!

“Kiss our asses goodbye.”

Latyss talks to the elementals, Mariel is stupid again, Magical Octogram, I’m so tired of this shit.

Demonlord Magni: Welcome to your doom.

“Welcome…to die!”

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Well then, we may just be screwed.

Of course we’re not. Looking out for Magni’s Flame Spirograph attack, it’s just a matter of raising elemental resistance with Fina, waiting a couple turns for him to freely heal himself, then Kugah Tenha/Omega Wave/Freezing Whip/High Laser Cannon. Sometimes if I attack with Latyss, she silences him too. Notably, this is a rare fight where Ryle is weaker than the other party members. The fight takes way too long, so while we’re waiting, in honor of Hilde being really effective against Magni for some reason…Ladies and gentlemen, the BRD.

Fire and ice…
Come on like a flame then you turn the cold shoulder
Fire and ice…
I wanna give you my love
But you'll just take a little piece of my heart

Actually, I could play the entire song and it wouldn’t be long enough. Sigh.

But eventually, the radiation-suited demon is beaten…OR IS HE?

OF COURSE NOT! Magni teleports away for no goddamn reason.

Ryle: Damn! He got away!

Fina: Tsk!

Mariel: But run to where?

Run to the hills! Run for your li-ife![/I]

Orubia: Just the same as Raymah.


Ryle: That’s right! He stepped back in order to inform others!

“Hey guys! Those people we knew were coming are coming!”

Latyss: It would hurt our chances!

Hayami: Indeed…The security level must been heightened!

Return to posts! Increase security!

Ryle: We have to go forward. Time’s running out!

So in deference to Ryle, we go…backward! Back to the world of the living, in fact. See, those last few battles have given us enough victory points to earn us the last reward. , Ryle is just as pleased to be able to leave the Vash sprite behind as we are because Flare thinks it’s funny. It’s not.

Ryle: Don’t even think about pulling some final jokes or that sort.

“I’ll kick you until I get tired again!”

Man: Man you just don’t get it do ya! The magnificent world of comedy!

I do, I’ve just never seen any here.

Ryle: Ok~ I don’t!

Man: The last one is not an item.

Ryle: I knew it! Not again~

Man: A girl is waiting for you somewhere.

I know there’s a girl for me somewhere and I just haven’t found her yet, but what did I earn? “A girl appeared somewhere!!” appears, as if that’s the least bit helpful. The guy gives clues as to who and where the girl is, but we already know.

Man: My point is…you have to find out by yourself, the last treasure.

Ryle: Then what are these points for!?

A false sense of accomplishment.

Man: Otherwise, there’s no way you can meet her! You just earned the possibility!


Now we descend…? Ascend? Whatever. We GO into the Astral Realm, and take the right couple paths to successfully meet the bonus girl--Lucitta, from the intro. Whee.

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“A woman’s place is in the home, not the Astral Realm!”

Mariel: And she got wings just like Miss Fina.

Fina: It’s Mahzok!!

Hayami: Mahzok!!

Raid? Raid! Raid!!

Mahzok: Yes I am. My name is Lucitta. Hold on sec! I’m not here to fight you!

Of course not, first you have to talk for half an hour.

Latyss: ……

Orubia: …… (No sign of hostility from her?)

Caris: But you are a Mahzok! We are enemies!!

“You see that “Usually” next to “Evil” on my entry in the Monster Manual?”

Fina: (Maybe not for now.)

Lucitta: That Sacred Dragoon should know that I won’t fight with you here.

“You are psychic, right?”

Mariel: Then why aren’t you attacking us?

Lucitta: You’re quite straight forward…

“I thought we’d chat for a bit, maybe get a coffee before I told you.”

Fina: Because you should be busy with the return of CHAOS!

“Maybe I’m on break.”

Lucitta: …So you have figured out huh? But I’m not interested in that.

Hayami: But Sessha thought all the Mahozks are eagerly waiting for CHAOS come back to life!

“I can see why, as I just said exactly the opposite!

Latyss: Then what do you want?

Lucitta: What if I say , “To stop CHAOS from returning”, would you believe me?

Everyone: Of course NOT!!

“Would you believe ‘to somewhat delay him?’” “No.” “Would you believe, ‘to trip him if he walks past?’” “Nope.” “Drat.”

Ryle: Everyone know that you Mahzoks are trying to take over the world with CHAOS!

The creature, or the concept?

Lucitta: “That’s what you humans think. Not all of us enjoy invading your world.

“I just went along because my boyfriend wanted to, and then we split up and now they still expect me…”

Latyss: !!

Fina: ……

Punctuation marks!

Orubia: You mean…You don’t want CHAOS to come back?

Lucitta: Nope. You’ll be surprised to know that there are many decent folks here. Mahzoks = Bad, that’s what you want to believe.

…The genocide might have had something to do with that.

Hayami: But you can’t live without negative energy. Now you want to stop…

“I’ll have you know that junk goes straight to my thighs.” They talk some more. Latyss points out the Mahzoks didn’t appear for twenty years.

Lucitta: And we didn’t collect large amount of negarive energy before. Not like now. Because we can still get enough of energy druing the peaceful times. As long as you humans exist, we don’t have to worry about our energy source.

Translation: While Mahzoks feed on pain and misery, humans are big enough dicks that they can survive on what they can get normally, unless there’s a big drain on their resources, like the state of Florida or the summoning of CHAOS.

Fina: You’re right on that. But I want to hear your real motive.

Lucitta: Of course I didn’t come here to challenge the Sacred Dragoon. I don’t wanna die…

Great, now tell us why you did come here!

Fina: What’s your gain by giving up your loyalty for CHAOS?

Net or gross?

Lucitta: Quite simple. I don’t want any more turmoils in Astral Realm.

Ryle: …I don’t get it. Bringing back CHAOS wouldn’t benefit the Mahzoks?

Lucitta: Do you know what CHAOS requires besides the large some of negative energy?


Fina: ?? Oh no!! You mean…! CHAOOS also need some Mahzoks to become the sacrifice!?


Hayami: His own people!?

Orubia: …!!

Caris: WHAT!

Latyss: …!

Mariel: No way~!

Oh my god! The incarnation of evil might be mean!!

Lucitta: Starting from 4 Demonlords, CHAOS will consume all the life forces of the surrounding Mahzoks.

Ugh. Blah blah blah. Flare fought the Demonlords before, Lucitta has already been ostracized, Mariel is stupid again, and they use that dumb metaphor literally again. Lucitta wants to join Ryle specifically because of the points trade. Apparently she was in contract with the Vash guy for no reason given. Because wanting to destroy that thing that wants to kill her just isn’t a good enough reason. The other girls seem to think this is Ryle’s fault. Again, ugh.

Lucitta: So, you are my new master from now on!

Ryle: What-!?

Latyss: Another one?

Oh, NOW you begin complaining about the unlikelihood of the plot?

Mariel: Mr. Ryle is like women-magnet. Don’t you (girls) think?

Hayami: Ryle Dono, are you sure about this?

Ryle: Is…something wrong about taking her with us?

Something’s wrong about this whole thing.

Caris: I don’t know… Bring a Mahzok on the surface…

“We’ll just say she’s a new race put in in the new expansion book! Like shardminds!”

Lucitta: Oh you don’t have to worry about that. I wont leave here.

Fina: I think it’s good for the mission. We should go with her. We would’ve been under attack by now if she was lying. Like she said, not all Mahzoks are bad after all.

So Ryle agrees to let her join, Lucitta thanks him…and…a…Dragon comes out.

Dragon?: Hmm? So it’s you, Lucitta. I was looking for Sacred Dragoon, but end up finding you.

Lucitta: Disaster Dragon… So you were searching for the Sacred Dragoon?

“That is, in fact, what I just said.”

Disaster Dragon: What are you talking about? Of course I am looking for the Sacred Dragoon or what else?

“Where was I going to go, Detroit?”

Lucitta: Hey! Would you trust me if I defeat that guy?

“Would you trust me if I beat a story boss myself?“ The Dragon is mildly surprised at the betrayal, but Lucitta never considered them allies in the first place. They trade some schoolyard taunts and fight.

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Unfortunately for the Disaster Dragon, he can only fly in circles due to the difference in size of his wings. Every part of this battle I’m sure you can guess. Childish taunts, a reminder to heal her, and the fact that none of her attacks do damage. But they’re new and cool, (including one attack described as “go nuts for no reason”) so might as well as use a couple.

Lucitta: Damn he’s stubborn!

Disaster Dragon: Hm! Giving up already?

I am severely starting to question the use of “Hm” to represent a laugh.

Lucitta: I admit you have quite a stamina!

That’s what she said!

Disaster Dragon: Hm! Maybe you are weak!

Lucitta: Oh come on. Won’t you go easy on me?

Disaster Dragon: Too late! You should’ve asked me for mercy at the beginning.

…Would it have worked?

Disaster Dragon: Keh Keh Keh! I’ll savor the final moment of your life!!

“Keh,” as well. Does no one here laugh normally?

Lucitta: Ok ok- *shrugs* No more embarrassments in front of my new master.


Disaster Dragon: What else can you do!? “Dark Strike” is your limit! So why…

Ha! There’s no such thing as limits in this game.

Lucitta: “Astrolord”-!!

…”Astrolord?” Really?

Lucitta: This is my full power!

“Who knows why I didn’t use it before!”

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So yeah. I just have to attack him with Astrolord a bunch of times, remembering to keep up with that damn healing via lots of Full Potions. The Dragon heals too, just for things to be really annoying. This takes me more tries then I care to admit to finally win. At the end of the battle, the dragon says something clichéd and disintegrates, and Lucitta turns toward the party.

Lucitta: My life and death is already in your hands! Please let me join you!

Ryle: Even with very little chance of winning?

Lucitta: I’m fully aware of that. But you guys are still willing to fight right?

“…Wow, come to think of it, you guys are really stupid.”

Ryle: Fine then…I welcome you as new member!

Lucitta: And also as your new servant!!

“Well, that’s fine and let me just welco--WHAAAA?!”

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The next area has snow. Considering this whole area was supposed to be created solely by Fina for the purpose of giving us somewhere to stand on, this is odd.

Even odder is the fact the snowman attacks us. Even odder than that is its name.

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What the hell does “Fury Underson” even MEAN?!

Ryle: [i]Snowman Mahzok?

Apparently. Also apparently, over a month wasn’t long enough to rehabilitate me from this. Next time to come much sooner, as now I know the therapy was useless.

NEXT TIME: 3 Demonlords. 1 huge-ass dragon. CHAOS himself. And a whole lot of pointless talking.

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