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Raja Yama


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#1 Nihlium

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Posted 27 May 2013 - 12:20 PM

A guy from my first character's sheet, he's now a member of The Creed. He is basically finished, there are a few parts to tweak (Maybe more depending on feedback). 

 

200x200xraja_yama.jpg.pagespeed.ic.nJGJr

PERSONAL

Character Level: Street Level

Gender: Male

Power Origination:

Location: Ekhidna Labs, Moebius, Khazan

AFFILIATION

Alignment: Villain

Team: The Creed

VITAL STATS

Strength: Standard (rank 2)

Agility: Standard (rank 2)

Mind: Standard (rank 2)

Body: Standard (rank 2)



    200x25xtitle_background.jpg.pagespeed.ic

The hurried patter of footsteps echoed down the grey halls off the Ekhidna Research Facility as eager scientist congregated into a large laboratory. Murmurs laced with anticipation mingled with the beeps and chirps of the equipment as they craned their necks to see the subject that slept within the large glass cylinder in the center of the room.

 

As the crowd grew an old balding scientist timidly approached the tall afro-haired man who stood in front of the door to the glass cell "Excuse me Dr.Dagda, should I update the council on the situation?"

 

"Patience Dr.Clover." answered the scientist behind his tinted glasses as a pearly grin stretched across his face "Look, he's waking up."

 

A wave of tension swathed the room as the subject slowly sat up and clutched the back of his head and took in his surroundings "Where the hell am I?" his question went unanswered as all the heads in the room turned to Dr.Dagda.

 

"Amongst friends Don Yama." answered the grinning scientist in his thin Cajun accent. He watched as the subject slid off of the examination table and paced around the cell "Friends to who you owe your life."

 

Yama walked towards Dr.Dagda and peered into his tinted glasses "And who do my 'friends' work for? The Syndicate or......"

 

Dr.Dagda adjusted his glasses as he replied to the question "As far as the Syndicate and KALI are concerned, your body was cremated three months ago. We've been keeping you.....'alive' since then. So as I said you owe us your life."

 

Yama slammed his fist on the thick glass prompting all the scientist except Dr.Dagda to dress back "So that son of a bitch actually did it! Let me out of here now, I've got someone to kill, and do it fast or I'll use you as a practice dummy."

 

200x25xtitle_personality.jpg.pagespeed.i

Dr. Dagda let out a chuckle and shook his head "So ungrateful, we go through the trouble of rescuing you from the clutches of death and making you a new body and in the end you threaten us?" he put his hand his chest and frowned mockingly "I'm hurt."

 

Yama's breathing subsided as he gazed at his hands "New body?" he looked back at the scientist's persistent grin.

 

"Don't get me wrong buddy, your old body was swell and all but we had to get rid of it in order to get your associates off your trail. Besides your new body lacks the weakness your old one had, you've been......evolved."

 

"Let me guess, you want me to work for you at the cost of and all that bullshit." Yama sat on the examination table and folded his arms "In the end its all the same. The Syndicate, KALI, the government. You don't care about anything but your agenda, I'm getting tired of it now." he looked at the mob of scientist who filled the room as they hung on to his every word "What do you guys want; world domination? Money? Or do you just enjoy the smell of death and chaos?"

 

Dr.Dagda opened the door to the container ignoring the protest of his subordinates as he walked into the cell "We don't want your life, money or servitude. All we need is your mutual trust, loyalty and brotherhood."

 

"To want ends?"

 

Dr.Dagda stopped an arms length away from Yama and finally allowed an appearance of gravity to mask his face "Evolution."

 

Yama's lips curled into a milky smile "Maybe you haven't heard, my specialties are death and drugs. You've got the wrong man."

 

"Yama. You are a powerful meta-human who has managed to live centuries destroying the lives of the weak and foolish, the only mistake you ever made was trusting a human with your greatest secret. There are very few people who are as qualified as you are in the art of evolution."

 

Yama stood up and folded his arms "Brotherhood and trust, I don't get much of either in my profession, a change of pace would be nice. What do you want me to do?"

 

A low buzz of murmurs filled the lab as Dr.Dagda's milky smile stretched across his face "Have you ever been interested in teaching?"

 

200x25xtitle_powers.jpg.pagespeed.ic.cCz

Adapt Or Die

x2315.gif.pagespeed.ic.8VdCe9pcrV.png     Reactive Adaptation: Superior (rank 2)

  • Multi-Attack

 

One Month Later

 

"'Danger, High Voltage.'" whispered Yama as he read the sign hanging on the large chain-link fence that circled the compound in front of him "This is going to hurt." he grasped the cold metal and winced as electricity ran through his body. As he climbed the fence his twitching skin became hard and rigid and each link of the fence bent within his grasp "That's better."

 

He quickly scaled the fence and landed silently on the dry dirt. Without hesitation he darted into the shadows and took note of the various silver beams of light streaming down from several watchtowers scattered within the compound. His skin slowly reverted to it's normal state as he crept from shadow to shadow only stopping when he came near to an unsuspecting guard.

 

"Almost there." in one burst of speed Yama ran towards a small building and violently shook the the door to no avail "Dammit." he sighed as he checked his surroundings and cursed as a beam of light swerved in his direction followed by a shower of bullets. Each bullet ripped through his flesh with ease as he fell to the ground stopping only when Yama was surrounded by armed guards."

 

"Now how the hell did he get in here?" asked one of the guards as he approached Yama's body with his gun ready to fire, "filthy metahuman." he kicked Yama's body and yelped as his fit struck hard metal. Before he could react Yama tripped him, ripped the gun from his hands and fired on the other guards killing them all in one movement.

 

Without hesitation Yama searched the guards as bullets bounced off his metallic skin "There it is!" he exclaimed as he pulled a key-card from one of the guard's pockets and walked towards the door. He inserted the card into a slot and ran into the building as the door lurched open.

 

As soon as he entered the building and closed the door he was bombarded with a yellow mist. As Yama walked through the mist, a transparent film formed over his eyes while his mouth and nostrils were sealed by metallic skin. The clank of metal hitting metal rang throughout the building as Yama ran down the halls and out of the mist.

 

That's Gonna Hurt Later......Maybe

2306.gif     Regeneration: Supreme (rank 3)

 

"WARNING! INTRUDER IN META-CONTAINMENT!" The alarm blared throughout the building repeatedly followed by the heavy drumming of footsteps rushing down the halls.

 

"Well that's not good." Yama mused as he turned into a passage blocked by guards armed with various weapons "You humans just don't know when to give up" his skin glistened as the alarm lights hit his silver skin "Well come on, fire away."

 

One of the guards shouted "fire!" and a barrage of crimson lasers erupted from their weapons and sliced through Yama's body severing one of his arms and leaving a gaping hole where one of his eyes once was "Hold!"

 

The barrage stopped and Yama's body slumped against a wall "Well that stung." he slowly stood up as his body regenerated bit by bit "If nothing else, you humans are quite resourceful."

 

"Fire!" once again a wave of lasers was fired at Yama, each bolt vanished as it hit his body which was now almost whole . The lasers increased as Yama's body became rigid then translucent, as his pace increased, the guards backed away from Yama until they came to the end of the corridor.

 

"End of the line."

 

A.K.A: Walking Death

2116.gif     Disease Manipulation: Supreme (rank 3)

  • Ranged Attack
  • Area Affect
  • Multi-Attack
  • Target Seeker

 

Will you stop pacing Miasma?" droned Monochrome as he watched the short blue haired girl march up and down the small windowless room.

 

"There has to be a way out of here." She abruptly stopped and turned to the sullen eye-patched boy who sat in the corner "Ryft, see if you can overload the negation field."

 

Ryft threw a vicious glare in Miasma's direction as he answered her "How many freaking times do I have to tell you? The field is set too high, the only way to shut it off is from the outside."

 

Miasma slammed her head on the door to the room and let a a loud moan "We, are, doomed!"

 

"You don't have to be so pessimistic." replied Monochrome as he placed his hand on her shoulder "I'm sure they'll send som-" his face went blank and he quickly walked away from his distressed ally "Miasma, walk away from the door."

 

"What? Why?"

 

Ryft slowly stood up and turned to the door "Miasma move!"

 

Miasma scurried away from the door and crashed into Monochrome as the door flew of it's hinges and crashed into the floor "There you are" chimed Yama as he walked into the dank room "All of you are getting a D-minus."

 

"What? We did exactly what you told us to do. We infiltrated the compound."

 

"Actually, Monochrome.Your mission was to infiltrate the compound and find the meta-human prisoners. All you did was get yourselves captured and me shot at." he turned and started walking out the room "Hence the D-Minus. Now come on."

 

The three teens exited the room and gawked at the corpses that were strung along the corridor "Was all this necessary? groaned Ryft as he stepped over the oozing carcases "What did you do them?"

 

"Severe small pox." answered Yama dismissively as he led the group to a large door "They should be in there." he inserted a key-card into a slot next to the door which slid open to show a large room filled with meta-humans "Which one of you is the teleporter?"

 

A tall purple man stepped forward "M-me. But I can't carry so many people, a-and my range is fifteen feet."

 

"Don't worry about that, just follow my instructions. You're going to go blind for a few seconds. Wait until you go completely blind and feel a little nauseous, then teleport everyone you can as far as you can."

 

"W-wait, whats going to happen?"

 

Miasma slapped the purple man's back and snickered "Don't worry, just make sure you get everyone."

 

"W-when are you going to do it?"

 

Yama turned his back to the group as he answered "I already did, now just do exactly what I told you and we should all get out of this in one piece."

 

"W-what about the other guards?"

 

"Any humans left on the compound should be in the mid stages of the Ebola virus........or de-" the entire building shook as a large humanoid robot smashed through the roof "I should foreseen that."

 

A rancid sent struck the senses of the group as the purple meta-human emptied his stomach "I think I'm fully blind now."

 

"Then what *vulgarity* are you waiting for! Get us out of here!" roared Ryft as the robot fired a rocket "Now!"

 

Before Ryft could finish he was hit by a gust of wind and the smell of grass. The group looked around at their moonlit surroundings and sighed as their escape hit them "Good job." whispered Yama as he placed his hand on the purple man's head "Time to go home."



#2 Kate Awesome Is Awesome

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Posted 27 May 2013 - 02:07 PM

Gonna give this guy a few read throughs :)



#3 deojusto

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Posted 27 May 2013 - 10:52 PM

ditto. I will read this when I get the chance.  



#4 Nihlium

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Posted 28 May 2013 - 07:05 PM

Can't wait for the feedback. I have big things planned after I submit this guy.



#5 deojusto

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Posted 29 May 2013 - 10:04 AM

Kay

First off I like the concept of Raja's position as the sort of h*tler youth camp counselor/training instructor. The story isn't too long, and it has some interesting little scenelets. So idea wise I like it, and the Creed's focus almost always gives characters like this a little more purpose then just being anonymous tough guys.

But there were also some areas that could be improved. While I liked Raja's position and role, the character itself doesn't seem to totally fit that role. Raja's just sort of coming off as a standard 'tougher than you' condescending guy. He doesn't quite seem like the kind of zealot that the Creed would employ, and his uniform definitely kind of implies zealotry as well. He sort of just seems annoyed by humans, not really hating them yet. Maybe its the term 'human', I don't know, it doesn't quite seem derisive enough.

In addition some of the background characters could use a little punching up. For starters Dr. Dogda. We get a little bit of who he is, accent and all, but you also have Felix Friendly on the Creed who's a fully fleshed out character. And with his charisma he might be the guy more likely to be sent in to talk to Raja. The kids in the cell are ok; I thought you were going to go a little more cartoony with Miasma's "we're doomed I tell you, doomed, DOOOOOOOOMED." But that could have shifted the mood, so maybe that's not what you wanted. Any way they're only there for a few seconds, so character building on them isn't a huge deal.

What is a bigger deal are the guys Raja's fighting. Even before they get Ebola they're suffering from nameless guard syndrome, which is almost always a fatal disease. They apparently hate meta-humans, and have laser guns, and robots for some reason, and its kind of a weird set-up. Is the facility a meta-human prison for criminals who break the law, in which case maybe the guards aren't so bad after all, and maybe a few of them are a tad racist. Or is it a research facility where innocent metas are experimented on, in which case bad guards bad! Or both, or something else, etc. You don't have to name them Geoff the Guard or anything, but the organization and location needs a name even if its just, the Government, Sierra Hills Medical Research Facility, or Khazan Penal Authority, Adder Island High-Security Correctional Facility. Whatever, its whatever you want, but right now it isn't clear. Also, I'd ditch the robot and the laser guns. Give them normal bullets maybe, or stun weapons for containing prisoners, or anti-methuman vaccines or, something a little more plausible. Right now its just "and then a robot showed up".

One suggestion for that could be Red Dragon's half finished character Dr. Richards, but come to think about it, I don't think he ever explained what she was doing, or who she worked for either.

The only other suggestion I might have is to tie your power choices together. Having control of bacteria could plausibly extend to his other two powers as well, using them to alter his own dna on a cellular level to adapt or increase his metabolism so his cells regenerate at even faster rates. Right now they just kind of seem like random power selections, but they could all come together for a more unified concept of one power used very very well.

So yeah. Liked the idea, but there were some things holding it back, but mostly its that friggin robot. I made a lot of suggestions for fixes but they were quick ones I came up with on the spot, so chances are there are better ones out there.



#6 Nihlium

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Posted 29 May 2013 - 11:26 AM

Thanks much Deo. I'm probably going to use all of your advice except the removal of Dr.Dagda from the story, I'll probably bring Felix in though.






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