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[Darkender]

The morning sun had risen on the Wilterson Mansion once again. The unforgiving sun pierced through the slit in the shades and warmed young Konrad’s face. He awoke to the all too familiar smile of his twin sister, Catherine.

“It’s about time you woke up Konrad. I thought you would sleep the whole day away.” She said as she proceeded to jump on the bed until Konrad sat up.

He shook his messy hair as he returned her a morning smile. He then looked to the horizon to find the sun barely escaping its touch.

“Not even. I just like to sleep like a normal person.” He said rubbing his eyes.

“Why sleep through the day when there’s so many adventures afoot!?” She said as he stood up from the bed and drew back the shades dramatically. Konrad quickly protected his still sensitive eyes with his forearms.

“Adventures you say?”

“Afoot!” She answered back, taking on the persona of a crazed pirate.

Konrad leaped out of bed and approached his drawers, pulling out the first clothes he saw.

“No doubt these adventures would lead to precious treasures and glory for the Wilterson family!” He said jumping into his pants.

“No doubt!”

The two young adventurers scrambled to the door, quietly pulling it open and sticking out their heads to see far down the quiet hallways. After looking both ways, the two tip toed on. Konrad and Cathy had grown all too adroit at sneaking out of the mansion without being spotted by any help or, more importantly, their parents. They weren’t too keen of them going on ‘adventures’ and wandering the wilds of Khazan. No one ever knew what new and odd monstrosity may decide to one day make the wilds its home. This, however, is what lulled the twins to the very wilds.

It wasn’t long before the twins were deep into the jungle behind the Wilterson Mansion.

“What will you buy with your Treasure, Konrad?” Cathy asked as she jumped over a log.

Konrad contemplated deeply on the question. He wasn’t really sure what he wanted.
Eventually, he came to realize he didn’t want the treasure for its monetary value, rather for the glory that finding it would entail.

“I won’t buy anything. I’ll give it to the poor, maybe.” Konrad said, swatting at a low hanging branch with his walking stick.

“Give it away? What’s the point of looking so hard for this treasure if you just plan on giving it away?”

Konrad turned to Catherine and walked backwards as he answered, “Because, then I will be ‘Konrad, The Treasure Finder!’”

“What a horrible title.” Cathy said, but before Konrad could chuckle at his very jest the ground gave in at his feet. The earth opened up to a dark abyss and the mouth of it grew wider, taking in both of the twins in one sinister gulp.

----

The twins landed hard. They were lucky they didn’t break a bone from the fall. Cathy looked up at the mouth of the hole and estimated that they had dropped eight, maybe ten feet.

“Here, we can climb back up if we grab the roots?” Cathy said, pulling on one of the nearest roots, testing it to hold her weight.

“Not just yet Catherine.”

Konrad looked deep into the darkness. “I believe we’ve fallen into an ancient tunnel.”

“So?”

“You don’t want to explore it?” Konrad asked, a bit surprised by his sister’s haste to return to the surface.

Catherine reluctantly released the root from her hands and joined her brother as he gazed into the dark tunnel that ran deep beneath the earth. “I suppose so.”

The air was cool within the tunnel. The pliable dirt from earlier had turned to a black, rocky stone. Upon further descent the twins could hear a beating in their ears. Cathy was quick to give this, among many others, as a reason to turn back, but Konrad was very persuasive in his reasoning to push on.

Eventually, a light could be seen emanating from further down the tunnel and the cool air began to warm. Konrad quickened his pace and was amazed when he finally saw the source of the strange light.

“Konrad, Konrad!” Cathy yelled before catching up with her brother and setting her own eyes on what Konrad was mesmerized by.

It was a small pond. And within the pond glowed a rock of some sort. Its yellow light changed the whole pool to its odd hue.

Konrad stepped forward towards the pool, removing his outer shirt.

“What are you doing?”

“Just having a closer look,” He answered before placing the first foot into the cool yellow pond. The rock seemed to brighten from his presence and this did nothing but encourage Konrad to get closer. He pushed deeper into the water and it rose to his hip when he came within arms distance of the yellow rock. Catherine could do nothing but look on with concern from the rocky shore.

Konrad lifted his arm, and then hesitated as his fingertips stopped only inches from the rock’s surface.

“Konrad don’t…”

He touched the rock.

The tunnel exploded with a blinding light and then suddenly died into pitch black darkness. Konrad could hear his sister’s scream and the splash of water before he fell unconscious.

--------

The distant screams roused the whole Wilterson Mansion. The household looked to the wilds of the backyard to find Catherine, obviously shaken, dragging along the body of her twin brother. The household thought the worst had occurred. The medics were called immediately and the twins were rushed to the hospital.
-------
Konrad woke up in the hospital. At least, he thought he did. He couldn’t see but could hear the constant movement and machinery around him.

He reached for his eyes and could feel the bandages around them. As he felt them further he could feel a soft, warm hand touch his and remove his hand from his bandages.

"Mom?"

There was a long pause before the hand to the voice answered back.

"No, honey, I'm a nurse. Your mother is with your sister."

"Is Cathy alright?"

Another pause.

"She suffered from acute radiation poisoning. We haven't been able to stop her from vomiting... We're doing the best we can for her. She’ll be alright."

"I have to see her." He said, fighting to sit up.

The nurse stopped him, placing her hand on his chest as she said, "No. The doctor will be in to see you soon now that you're up. Your sister will be fine. She’s in good hands."

Konrad sat back reluctantly. He worried for his sister, as much as he'd worry for his own health, but his body was weak.

The doctor came in a little later. He couldn’t see him, but could almost feel him as he stood beside his bed. He could gauge where he was standing.

"Hello Konrad, I'm Doctor Solomon. I'm going to need you to tell me exactly what happened in the forest. Your sister is suffering from an acute exposure to radiation and while you're exposure level seems to be much lower it seems to have scarred the inner tissue of your eye. We need to know what happened… "

-------

Catherine died three days later. It was radiation poisoning. With her, the life Konrad knew had passed away. The worst part was returning to the mansion. The warm flame that once filled it was snuffed out, leaving nothing but cold and painful memories. This would usually be the time that Konrad would turn to his twin for comfort but alas... His parents weren’t much help either. There was a wall wedged between them that left every conversation dull and meaningless. Mother didn’t leave Catherine’s room for a whole week. She would stay in her room every night and cry herself to sleep. Konrad couldn't help to begin to think that it was his fault. It was his idea to go adventuring into that abysmal hole. He was the one that pushed her to go forward. He was the one that touched the rock. But, why was he still here and not her? It was unfair.

When Catherine left she seemed to take everything, including the pleasant weather. Storms riveted the Spire every night with no sign of let up. He listened as the rain pelted his window. While his bandages still covered his sensitive eyes, he could somehow still see, in a sense of the word. He could hear the rain, the moaning of the walls, wailing of the wind, even the soft cries from throughout the house. It all created a picture in his mind’s eye that was clear as day. He looked out the window into the treacherous wilds and realized life would never be the same. He would never gain back what he lost. He deduced that to his parents he would most likely be nothing but a constant reminder of Cathy. It was then and there he realized that there was nothing left for him here, nothing but pain.

He opened the window and the outside’s torrent poured into his bedroom. He tore his bandages from his eyes and the moon’s pale light blinded him temporarily. After composing himself for a moment, allowing his eyes to adjust. He disappeared into the wilds never to see the Wilterson mansion again.

Powers
Hyper Senses

The Spire wilds of the north were vast and mostly untouched due to old legends of beasts and unnatural monsters. Only the desperate would willingly venture into its very depths at this day and time. From what Konrad was told from his informant, Darren Frost was that desperate. Frost used to be muscle for the Syndicate, but after news that he might become a father, he wanted out. The syndicate believed he was too deep to want out. He was placed under witness protection shortly after by the KPD upon agreeing to testify against the Syndicate in a string of murders. The Spire, while dangerous, was the safest place the KPD could hold someone under these circumstances. It was the only place that even gave the syndicate gave second thoughts before stepping foot in its territory. So, they outsourced.

The black night was covered in an overcast that made the Spire look even more melancholy and treacherous than usual. It may have been too dark to see for any other man, but for Konrad even the faintest of moon’s rays was like the sun beaming down, every detail was sharp and clear. He saw details men would miss at high noon. He moved silently and quickly in the brush.

Environmental Awareness

The cabin was covered in the distance, surrounded by brush and large trees. He slowed his stride to a calculating stalk.

Each step, silent and deliberate.

As he walked he could feel the heat signature of every living creature large enough to be of significance. He concentrated and could feel that Frost wasn’t alone. They didn’t move like animals. They were obviously midnight patrol.

He moved in closer and found the two extra heat signatures. They were KPD. They were talking outside the car about how Khazan was cheated in the last Olympic event. Something about a meta humans ban and whether or not they should get their own Olympics. They didn’t agree on the matter. He circled around and approached the first from behind silently.


BioVampire
He pounced, clasping one hand around the officer’s mouth while pulling his weapon with the other and shot the other officer before he even knew what hit him. It was a quick two shots to the chest. They were so close it would have been hard to miss. He didn’t remove his hand from the first officer though. The veins beneath the skin of his hand began to bulge to the surface as he drained the officer’s very life essence. The warm energy flooded his body and he could already feel his new strength.

Martial Arts
The crack of the door slamming into the floor shook the cabin like thunder. Dust filled the air and only moonlight came through the now open doorway, barely lighting the entrance of the cabin. But this mattered little. Konrad could feel Frost’s heat signature. He was still in the house.

He took a careful step into the room and then realized something was off. Frost’s signature fluctuated violently, growing larger and hotter. He jumped back instinctively as the floor exploded from below and a black beast appeared. It swung wildly with its clawed hands without hesitation. Konrad barely escaped the tip of its sharp claws as he flipped backwards out of the house.

“LEAVE. ME. ALOOOONE!” The beast roared as it leaped through the roof, landing before Konrad. Now the full stature of the beast was revealed as he loomed over Konrad. He knew he had to move quickly.

It fell into full stride toward him, but he stood his ground, waiting for the perfect moment. The gravel jumped around his feet as the beast neared and Konrad could feel him growing closer. Just when it was close enough Konrad leaped into the air, his legs still powerful from his last taking, over the beast.

In midair he grabbed fiercely onto the beast, drying it of its energies. The beast kicked and fought, sprawling to free himself of Konrad’s grip, but with every second that passed Konrad only grew stronger.

The kicking eventually slowed and Konrad released his death grip as the creature lay panting at his feet. He couldn’t help but stare at his hands. This energy, this energy was different. His hands tingled with a certain familiarity…

Detective

“No, you lied to me!” Konrad said, his fist slamming into the table.

Konrad’s outburst left the gentleman sitting across from him at the bar booth unshaken.

“No, we didn’t. We told you the job may contain some extraneous variables.” The man returned, very collected.

“Nonetheless, my price has doubled.”

This caught the man’s attention. His jaw tightened as he reached for his mug and took a sip before continuing to speak.

“Very well. When will we receive Mister Frost?”

“An hour after the transaction has cleared.” Konrad said as he stood from the table.

He walked briskly through the crowd, but paused at the television as the channel 4 news ran. Stacey Grey was missing yet again so a replacement news woman, Louis Campbell, was delivering the news. Most of the time Konrad would not have given it a second thought but this, this was different.

“Yes, it appears that about an acre of Kingspire Cemetery is simply missing along with over a thousand corpses and graves. The KPD aren’t giving much information this early on, but there has been talk of high levels of radiation, which may explain why I was not allowed on site...”

Konrad’s thoughts raced as he wondered what was so important about this cemetery when it hit him…

Catherine.

Armor

Where her grave once was, was nothing but a pile of smoldering ash and burned dirt. Her tombstone was unrecognizable, it’s once marble face was blackened and scorned. He stood in silence under the dark night sky. The wind blew, and clouds scantily covered the moon when suddenly Konrad could feel… Something. Everything around him was dead, but something burned like a star around him. Its heat signature so large that it dwarfed anything he ever encountered. He looked to the sky. What looked like a star began to brighten, moving ever so slightly that it seemed to fail to move at all. But, all of a sudden, its pace quickened and it began to lighten the black sky.

In a flash, it crashed.

The force of the crash hurled Konrad through a nearby dead tree. With his clothes, torn and burned, he pushed himself up with his elbows and in the flames he could see her, feel her.

His voice broke.

“Catherine?”

[Pseudonym]

It's a pretty good prelude. This is the part wherein stuff starts to happen. Unfortunately, this is the part at which anything could happen. You're right before the part though where you tell us what you want the story to be about. But you haven't told us, so there's not much we can do to help you.

[Darkender]

Thanks for reading bro. But yeah, I know what you mean. I kinda thought I would have posted the rest of what I had before anybody really got to it, but yeah. I will get to that and hopefully get this off the drawing board.

[treacherous]

I haven't read any of these and I'd love to. But I don't have time to do anything but post these little useless nothings. Without reading, I'd say it needs more of my characters.

[Darkender]

Now that I have permission...

[Darkender]

There is more!

[Pseudonym]

It's interesting so far, but again, you've stopped at a point where anything can happen. We have some direction though, so I guess help can be done.

1) Find a motivation for Konrad. What does he want. He doesn't have to know what he wants. He doesn't have to explicitly say what he wants. Sometimes that kind of thing is confusing and jumbled up in a whole bunch of other shit, but it's important that you know what he wants and you let his every action be colored by what he wants.

2) Try or a cohesive power set. Don't just go with hypersense, reaction speed, martial arts. As much as those three run into each other well, just...don't. It seems you want to deck him out with a level of radiation. Radiation is a hard power to use.

3) Seriously, keep writing. This is starting to sound excellent. I wonder how other people feel about the use of three dashed lines to indicate time passing. I find it very difficult to organically switch scenes and a punctuation mark like that is almost exactly what I need, however, it feels (in my opinion only) almost like impure writing.

4) Good. Keep Going.

[Darkender]

It's interesting so far, but again, you've stopped at a point where anything can happen. We have some direction though, so I guess help can be done.

1) Find a motivation for Konrad. What does he want. He doesn't have to know what he wants. He doesn't have to explicitly say what he wants. Sometimes that kind of thing is confusing and jumbled up in a whole bunch of other shit, but it's important that you know what he wants and you let his every action be colored by what he wants.

2) Try or a cohesive power set. Don't just go with hypersense, reaction speed, martial arts. As much as those three run into each other well, just...don't. It seems you want to deck him out with a level of radiation. Radiation is a hard power to use.

3) Seriously, keep writing. This is starting to sound excellent. I wonder how other people feel about the use of three dashed lines to indicate time passing. I find it very difficult to organically switch scenes and a punctuation mark like that is almost exactly what I need, however, it feels (in my opinion only) almost like impure writing.

4) Good. Keep Going.

Thanks for staying with me Pseudo! Also, I agree. He really does need a driving force, and without it his character seems pretty empty. I'm working on it.

I hope his powerset isn't too cliche. It's not what you posted but isn't a shocker either. I hope to find time this weekend to finish this up!

[treacherous]

It's refreshing to see how much you've improved Darkender. I am interested as to where this is going. It reads like a young adult mystery or horror fiction. Please finish. Please put in the database when you do. Again, the level of improvement from back in the old forums is vast. Lovely.

[Darkender]

It's refreshing to see how much you've improved Darkender. I am interested as to where this is going. It reads like a young adult mystery or horror fiction. Please finish. Please put in the database when you do. Again, the level of improvement from back in the old forums is vast. Lovely.

^^^Motivation.

[Darkender]

Guess what? I finally finished!

Please reread and give me your thoughts. Yes, I do plan on writing Catherine, but she's not #1 on my writing list right now. Hopefully, Konrad will be in the Gallery soon.

This will be his picture: http://browse.devian...fset=96#/dbxquq

And just for funsies, him reunited with Catherine(Kinda): http://browse.devian...set=96#/d37kem6

[Pseudonym]

Both paragraphs of Hyper Sense are individually hard to make out exactly what they mean and what they're trying to say. maybe you'll want to clarify or restructure it. Also, you introduce this character Darren Frost here. I haven't a clue who the heck he is but I'm treated as though I do. Is he the killer? One of the police men? In his introduction, we hear second hand that he's desperate. In the next line he's in, he's not alone. What?

And then he's killing KPD. What? Why? "He concentrated and could feel that Frost wasn't alone. They didn't move like animals." So what, machines? Like... sentient trees? What does this have to do with the first half of the story? Frost is a beast now? Is he a Wendigo? Why is Konrad fighting monsters? Why is he fighting anything?

Let's follow the story. Out of grief, Konrad runs away into the woods north of his house. At some point, apparently he had been placed under witness protection by the KPD where he'd been told that Darren Frost lives in those woods as well? What? This does not follow. You didn't keep telling the same story.

"Konrad’s thoughts raced as he wondered what was so important about this cemetery when it hit him"

See, this is what I mean. Catherine was like 100% of his motivation before the powers listing started. Everything was going to play off of his relationship with her and the grief that her death had caused him. And then, by this point, he has to struggle to even remember where she's buried. It doesn't add up. You wrote two different characters. Both of them are decently cool and interesting,but they aren't the same dude.

Bringing Catherine back to be some sort o' scary apparition is pretty cool. I want to read that. But first, I want to read this better and more logical. The parts of your story don't follow each other in any way that I can track. Maybe I'm just missing a very important piece of connecting tissue, but I don't think there's even one there.

[Darkender]

Hmm.

I think you're mixing up Frost and Konrad's position. I may have made the mistake of inferring a little too much. I just reedited to try and clear that up.

I know I gave little info but the character was already getting kinda long with the personality and bio. I probably will be looking closer at this whole scene.

[Pseudonym]

Ask deojusto. This character isn't even close to long. That is not, by itself, a bad thing. But you have no excuse to skimp on the dialogue.

[Darkender]

Ask deojusto. This character isn't even close to long. That is not, by itself, a bad thing. But you have no excuse to skimp on the dialogue.

I'm glad, because I rather it not be too long.

But, okay, I'll see what I can come up with. I may be able to get a revised-revised version up by tomorrow.

[Pseudonym]

By dialogue, I mean details. I misspoke.

[Darkender]

Alright, I decided I'm going to write an alternate power section. It'll probably lead to him being a whole different character, but I'll post it when I'm done so I can see which one is liked more.

[treacherous]

Do that. I'm glad I could help.