Posted 29 June 2012 - 03:46 PM
Team: The Fallen
Location: Mount Elbert
Background: "Let me tell you what you need to know. I'm a werebear, I like killing people, I love a good meal, I hate idiots, and the color pink gives me a headache. I don't care who you are or what you work for, but nobody BARS MY WAY!"
Ursanthrope, also known as Thomas Arctos, lived a life of violent crime. His transformation into a werebear all started when he was stalking tourists in the woods in order to murder and cannibalize on them. Known to be a public enemy, he eluded police and those wanting to bring him to justice. The woods were his home. In Arctos’ own "home" we as attacked and bitten by a werebear wanting to give what Thomas considered a gift. After his transformation into a werebear, he felt braver in that he'd have more audacity to kill. It is said that the Rockies are his new home. To be exact, mauled remains have been found on Mount Elbert. Colorado has put a bounty on him, though nobody has killed him yet. A reward of $75,000 is promised for somebody to kill Thomas Arctos and return with his pelt.
"What curse are you *vulgarity*ers talking about? IT's a gift! I'm able to do things no human being can! I have so much power with so little price. As a matter of fact, I feel nine out of ten people being jealous of what I can do! Why? Who would not want to have the strength of the beast?"
The quotes have been pulled from what he posted in random places on the internet. Either way, if you see a buff humanoid figure with large claws and shaggy fur, run.
Personality: More animal like than human, Thomas has embraced his nature as a werebear. This made him bloodthirsty and psychopathic. He was noted as not able to be bullied, bought, or broken. Some people just want to see the world get killed. However, he seems to have a softer center for his own kind.
"Let us say...that I'mma force a'nature. Humans *vulgarity* like rabbits, so If I chomp one up, another will replace. Human life is so cheap these days that who cares if a woman is a mother of whatever amount of kids. Also, children aren't safe from me either, unless I smell werebear on them. Since one can be a good ally and hard to come by, why should I eat 'em?"
"None of you can face a beast of my caliber. Remember not to take on the bounty the man has posted. It'll only end in your doom. Just avoid me like the plague and I won't hurt ya. If you want mercy, I'll give you five minutes to get out of my sight, you little lamb shank! As a werebear, it's just HARD for me to think of people as meals."
Recuperation (Regeneration superior)
This power is tied with his beast form. Not just it helps heal wounds, but it provides immunity to common diseases with resistance to the most serious of diseases. It's all part of the beast blood. The beast blood is not too unlike the blood of other man-beasts, which is convenient enough to help Thomas Arctos regenerate. The power all came from adaptation from living in a mountainous range.
Beast Mode (Berserker standard)
A roar pierced a quiet and clear area of Colorado. A hapless tourist was now the prey for the hungry Ursanthrope. Thomas then transformed into the werebeast. His mental capacity lowered with his strength heightened, providing no negotiations and no mercy towards the prey. This is tied with his transformation. Though he is most violent during the full moon, whenever he gets significantly irked, he transforms into the werebear many fear. Essentially, this IS the beast within.
Whatever happened to the tourist? The details are too messy to talk about.
Going Wild (Martial Arts standard)
Whether in junction or not with beast form, he can unleash Krav Maga that he learned a while back. Using all the muscles in his body, plus some extras during the mode, he can give the beat-down to disarm and kill with the enemy's own weapon. Quoting Thomas: "Making them look like a douche in front of everyone."
Claws or knife? (Slashing weapon superior)
He places his trust with his Bowie knife or claws, depending on form. The Bowie knife suits the needs as the knife makes for a good intimidation weapon and for melee in Thomas' opinion. Life in the mountains requires a rugged and tough weapon as he sees it.
"Guns run out of ammunition and they become useless. A knife is much more concealable, quieter, and never runs out of ammunition. Plus, when shit hits the fan, I can go completely medieval when I transform. The knife is out and the claws are in."
CHARGE! (Super Speed standard)
This is the final power tied with his beast form. He can be of surprising speed, given his size. A fast moving big bruiser that can chomp down on the enemy can scare everyone away. Bears are surprisingly fast. Thomas Arctos in beast form is no exception.
"You think I'm slow? I'll tear you apart with unholy speed! There's a reason why I gave you a head start!"
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Despite the suck this character can have, I'd like constructive criticism please.
Posted 29 June 2012 - 07:39 PM
Decent for the RP, where you can slap some character-meat on this werebear-skeleton, but don't throw him out onto the killfloor like this.
PS: Ursanthrope is not that good a name.
Posted 29 June 2012 - 10:46 PM
Posted 30 June 2012 - 04:42 PM
A note about the name, I realize the constituent etymology feels clever, but instead of appearing as "Bear" and 'Man," it reads like a portmanteau of Ursa and Misanthrope, which would imply that he hates Werebears. Maybe just call him by his name? Mr. Arctos.There's no reason that can't work. Serial murderers don't pick a code name for themselves.
You start with a quote, but it's the kind of quote a professional wrestler would use. Who is your character addressing? You've got a series of I am, I like, I love, I hate... which could be good building blocks for characterization, but they're all simplistic answers with no real thought put into them. He reads as a really one-dimensional character.
He was already an insane murdering cannibal, for no reason, and then he got bit by a werebear, for no reason, and then started killing more people (only part that kinda makes sense.)
Again, who the heck is he talking to? He brags about his strength, but according to his character sheet it is Standard, with Berserker there to occasionally boost it up to superior. That means he's got the strength of an Olympic Level athlete... so when he's enraged he's as strong as Michael Phelps.
Careful describing him as more animal than human. Animals don't murder for sport, nor do they torture. They aren't needlessly cruel- those are all human qualities. Some animals do engage surplus killing, but they typically save/store those kills for food.
On a purely artistic note, "some people just want to see the world get killed" is a horrible, awful, stupid sentence that hurts to read. If you want to paraphrase a line from The Dark Knight, you need to keep the verbiage as simple as possible. "Some guys just need to see the world bleed," or whatever.
Then you gave him a soft, nougaty center... huh? That's confusing. There's no real part of his personality to back up that claim.
He's talking again (you gotta find a better format than jumping back and forth randomly between first and third person narration.) He says the phrase "chomp one up" it's not clear whether that is a bad pun or a genuine mistake. Also "these days" suggests that he's got a curmudgeonly nostalgia for a time in the past when human life was precious, but again that's not supported by anything else in the character. Again he starts in with the pro-wrestler spiel, talking himself up to the point of ridiculousness (he lives in a world with its own Justice League, and if he was a real threat any one of those characters- being Global level- could take him out pretty easily.); Talking big isn't all bad, if it's a distinct part of who Arctos is as a character, but right now it doesn't read that way. If you want to have him be that cocky prick who talks a big game and is really insecure on the inside, make sure that's clear.
The power descriptions are all too short. Remember that the entire character sheet is you telling a story, and the sections aren't rigid demarcations of what you're allowed to talk about. Keep the story going through the whole thing.
Probably the most-cited piece of advice is the FPL is "Show, Don't Tell." It's so freaking important! Describing the powers is a surefire way to put your reader to sleep! You want to demonstrate how they work in a situation. The most basic way to do this is to write a fight scene. See Tony DeLuca for a good example.
You didn't take Transformation, which would seem like a no-brainer for a werebear, as it lets you imply the strength, size, claws, teeth, and toughness that your a la carte powers are just flat out missing. If you ditch Martial Arts and Slashing Weapon that's six points, sink four into Superior Transformation and you still get to be a big bad werebear, and put the other two into his Strength stat. Now you've got a guy who is strong all the time, but when he rages out he can flip over cars with one paw. That's a pretty good trade off, and all you're losing is the knife (which doesn't make sense anyway, because when would he NOT use his claws?)
I might also trade Super Speed for a detection power. With Transformation you can imply bear-level ground speed, 40mph or so, which is faster than a normal human can run.; Giving him a power like Hyper Sense (probably either hearing or smell) lets him be a deadly hunter and also works to help him avoid enemies (if he's got a bounty on his head, he probably needs that skill.)
Hope that helps!
Posted 30 June 2012 - 04:57 PM
Posted 30 June 2012 - 05:10 PM
Posted 30 June 2012 - 06:54 PM
Alright. I'll make sure I'll create the real character after the RP ends.
Ivan's review was so spot on, I don't believe a word more needs to be said. I would also listen to Darkender. You really need to wait till the RP is over. Build his personality there. Build his friendships, hates and rivalry there. When it's over, hopefully people want to hea more about this guy. Sarah Maroon and Jamiel Merit didn't even win Sentinel Academy and both characters caused Darkender and Pseudonym to go Global level.
Everyone else ignore the rough draft.
Posted 30 June 2012 - 07:17 PM
Posted 30 June 2012 - 09:20 PM
Posted 01 July 2012 - 10:20 AM
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