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Catatonia (Caitlin Brooks)


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#1 Darkender

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Posted 17 April 2012 - 03:42 PM

This is a sneak peak of my first global character. IT's my first FPL character in first person, so let me know what you think and if you spot any weird tense changes as I post it.



The world continued to turn as I sat frozen. The birds flew down from the trees of Archer Park, as if to mock me with their freedom. They moved freely along the ground, hopping closer and closer to me before picking a piece a bread from beside my feet and running off.

A tear ran down my face that I couldn’t wipe.

I slowly turned my rigid neck to the point where I could look into the azure sky, instead of the people walking by. I secretly was jealous of them. They have no fears like I have. They don’t have the worries I have, but it wasn’t as if they earned it, to live a care-free life that is. I sacrificed myself for them, these people, yet, here I am sitting on this cold bench unable to move and there they go.

I try not to think like that... But it’s the *vulgarity*ing truth.

.....

I crashed into the pavement, leaving an indent as I slowly rose to her feet. The sunlight glared off my silvery metallic skin as I stood up to my full height. I tried to look into the sun and slowly the shadow of my opponent became apparent once again. He seemed to come out of nowhere. I readied myself once again.

The behemoth landed before me, shaking the very ground. I swung, but he caught my fist. The villain’s claws scratched against my plated skin, attempting to crush my hand in his. In a last ditch effort to free myself I threw myself forward, headbutting him. His head recoiled on impact but his feet stood planted. He returned one of his own. I staggered back from the blow, but he still held my fist firmly in his strong grip. Reaching for his belt, he grinned as he pulled out an odd weapon and fired point blank at my chest. The plasma shot sheared through my spandex and charred my metallic chest, sending me flailing back into the brick faced wall. A sharp pain rattled my spine on the impact and I cried out in agony before falling to my face. I tried to pick myself up from the ground and the effort was tremendous. I could see the alien keenly stalking towards me through my blurred vision.

Suddenly, however, I couldn’t move. I willed my body to charge forward, but it resisted my commands. My right leg rigidly stepped forward before I collapsed to one knee.

“Pitiful.” The creature said as it approached me, revealing his yellow row of fangs. His black eyes sunk into his skull like windows into a deep, dark abyss. It tried to trap me in the moment, but I resisted. He raised his weapon to level with my head, fingering the trigger with his long and repulsive yellow claws.

I roared in frustration, willing my body to move, not accepting failure. I flung my body forward, knocking the gun aside just as it fired. The shot hit the the adjacent building causing the structure’s face to crumble. The weapon then slid across the floor as I strived to stayed on the offensive.

I struck his chest with all my might in his brief moment of shock. He stumbled back, and I knew I couldn’t stop now despite my body’s unwillingness. I threw haymaker after haymaker, willing each punch to fly. The black blood splattered with each blow but the creature still would not fall, and my body was slowly giving out.

He hit the concrete hard as his chest heaved. I fell to my knees, praying that the beast would stay down.

I looked into the overcast in the sky and could spot the Sentinels dispatch unit on the way. They were simply specks of colors in the distance, but still a sign of help gave me the strength to speak.

“You are under arrest... whatever you are. Surrender to the custody of the Sentinels of Justice and Liberty and you will be dealt with leniently.”

The creature half laughed and half choked as blood spit up onto his chest.

“Never surrender.” He slowly reached for his belt as he twisted the buckle. It turned red and beeped ominously before blaring green. It was so green. All I could see was green.
....

The AC fan rumbled softly in the background, blowing a breeze up under the gown I was given. I knotted it about three times in the back but I could still feel the breeze. My palms began to sweat despite the cool air. The suspense was killing me. At some point, the doctor would walk in, looking at the ground and shake his head solemnly, “It’s not good.” Is probably what he would say. I then would have to pretend to be astonished and heart-stricken and cry out something like, “Why me?”. I’d actually be more surprised if the news were good. The say the blast from the alien invader was somewhat biological and actually awoke a dormant and mutant gene that at first heightened the extent of my powers. The effects at first were tremendous, but soon began to show signs of debilitation and left my powers unstable.

The doctor then walked in. He shot me a sympathetic smile before lowering his eyes to his clipboard. His eyes shot over it for a moment before he put it to his side and took a deep breath, as if to say something prophetic. The doctor stood around six feet tall and wore the typical white overcoat. He was older then me. I could tell from the salt grey specks that was slowly beginning to take over his black head of hair. He practiced under the Sentinels so I wouldn’t be surprised if he had retired from street work at one time too. Most likely a healer from the early days. Maybe his ‘god-given’ powers turned on him also, and attempted to destroy him from the inside out.

I spoke before he could, “Are you also dying?”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re right, I guess we’re all dying. Except for a select few. The right question to ask would be are you also being eaten from the inside out by your abilities?”

The doctor was taken aback for a moment, but he rebounded quite well.

“The tests were... Inconclusive.”

In other others words they have no idea what the *vulgarity* is wrong with me.

“But, from what we’ve gathered, we’re thinking this is solely based on the frequency at which you use your abilities. Slow down, Kat. We’re suspending you from active duty until further notice. We can’t have you running around in this condition.” His smile was warm, as if he was looking out for my well-being. No doubt this is a ploy to save their own asses. Of course it is. I could see the headlines now, “Cripple sentinel’s attempt at heroism kills many”.

I tried to smile back, return the warm smile that he gave me, but I’m not sure if I pulled it off as I could see his smile weaken some.

“Thank you, doctor.” I say, getting up from the bed. He opens the door for me as I leave.

The tension in my neck slowly loosened along with the rest of my body. I could move my neck freely as well as my fingers and legs. I flexed my hand in front my face, plating it with my organic metal and then allowing it phase away. How could I live without my powers? Who would I be if I wasn’t a sentinel? Is this how I would spend my life, sitting on a bench in Archer Park, watching other people live theirs?

I just won’t accept that. I can’t.

Iron Will(Superior)

“And how is your back?”

“Fine.”

“Good.”

Doctor Wimble, my psychiatrist since the accident, had been trying to start conversation with me for the last 30 minutes. I really would be annoyed, but I respect his persistence. They usually assign these sessions to Sentinels who were captives, or after a near death experience. Something about post-traumatic stress and depression. Either way, I’m stuck in this room on the fifth floor of the sentinel building for 60 minutes.

“You know, these sessions would go by much faster if, instead of staring at the clock, we actually had a conversation.” He said placing his note pad face down on the table that sat between us.

“Sorry, I have to be somewhere after here and I was just checking the time.” I suck at lying.

“You’re not a very good liar, Ms. Brooks. Since you’re here let’s focus on the session. Now, can you can tell me of your trip to the doctor?”

I looked away, playing with a loose thread that stuck out of the couch.

“That bad, huh?”

“They have no fucking idea. He said something about how I can’t use my powers and now I’m on the inactive list until ‘further notice.’”

“And how does that make you feel?”

My eyes narrow as I answer.

“I guess I’m a little upset about the whole situation.”

“Why is that? I mean, I wouldn’t mind a vacation right about now.”

Oh, he’s good.

“I feel like, if I stop, stop protecting people, then he won. Whatever that thing was, won. I am a Sentinel and nothing should stop me from being that, nothing will.” When I was done talking a sudden feeling came over me. I felt renewed, and warm all over. I checked the time and there were only five minutes left to the session. Dr. Wimble followed my eyes to clock and realized the time.

“That is a very fine sentiment Ms. Brooks and I wish we could continue, but our time is about up. How about next week we continue the conversation and you can tell me what happened to the alien?”

Leaping(Superior)


My feet dangled off the edge of the Sentinel building. The cool wind tossed back my long brown hair. I use to always come up here when I was a trainee, but I hadn’t come back in a while. I hadn’t had the time. I could hear the sudden sound of a shift, almost like flour in a bag. When I turned around Zen stood on roof, simply eyeing the same spectacle of a city I was.

“Sorry, to startle you.” He said flatly without taking his eyes off the scene.

“You didn’t.” I said, pausing and then continuing. “But wouldn’t you know I wouldn’t have been startled?”

He smirked.

“Can I ask you a question?” I asked. I was confident he wouldn’t mind. If he didn’t wouldn’t he have known I would eventually ask and leave before I could actually ask?

“Yes.” He said, his eyes finally falling on me.

“Will I ever use my powers again?”

“You haven’t decided yet.”

And with that he was gone. It wasn’t the answer I expected. I would think he would have gave me more to think about. I already know I haven’t decided yet. Though, he is a busy man. He probably saves a hundred lives a day without even clenching his fist. Could I do that?

I suddenly had the urge to actually see what he does. I stood and then scanned the area, to ensure nobody was looking, before leaping off the building. I leaned toward the building and clung onto the first fixture I could and climbed down until I got to the third floor.

Body Armor(Supreme)


The room was dark except for the surveillance screens that sat upon the large desk. I stepped into the threshold to see Zen sitting cross legged before the screens. I took a step further into the room and he twitched slightly. The screens flickered. They all were on different scenes across the globe where sentinels heroically took action against crisis. Looking upon the screens in its entirety brought on a headache, so I focused on a few screens at a time. In one scene, Victor Vandal and Kabuki led a task force in France. In another The Dayshift team were in North Hall, attempting to stop a gang war. My eyes continued to scan the screens until I came upon a peculiar scene. It was Tiger Delilah and she was by herself in what seemed to be Archer. She wasn’t doing very well and it was evident by the gouges in her side. The camera, however, didn’t show her opponent at first and when it did I was taken aback.

The creature, the alien, whatever it was, was back. It grinned menacingly as it tossed Tiger to the floor.

I motioned towards the door.

“Have you decided?” Zen asked coldly without moving a muscle.

The voice startled me. I paused for moment before answering, “Yes, I have.”

I flew out the door without another word.

My feet landed heavily into the pavement as my organic metal plated my body from foot to toe. Tiger Delilah leaped at the grey skinned alien, her fangs sinking deep into the beings skin, but she was immediately tossed away. She crashed hard into a minivan parked street side. Glass covered the asphalt along with her pelt. Black blood trickled down the aliens shoulder as his sunken black eyes turned to me.

“We meet again.” He hissed.

“Weird, right? I was pretty sure you were dead.”

The alien laughed a hearty laugh.

“I am undefeatable. The quicker your pitiful race realizes this and bows down to me the less lives will be lost.”

“We will never surrender to you. You will be defeated.”

“Then your life will be the first of many to be lost.”

He pulled his weapon and fired. I leaped through the air and the hot blast passed right under my feet. I landed behind the grey skin alien and he quickly swung his weapon backwards as I landed. I lifted my forearm and sparks flew as the two metals met.

Martial Arts(Standard)

I was momentarily blinded by the sparks and the beast adroitly took advantage of my temporary blindness. His heavy fist landed hard against my metallic skull. I stumbled sideways from the impact, but quickly gained my composure as he charged forward. I sidestepped the tackle, landing multiple jabs into the beast’s midsection. He grunted before swinging wildly. I jumped back, avoiding the strike.

I landed lightly a few yards away from him and a stare down ensued.



Combat Supremacy(Superior)

I could hear sirens in the distance, water running from a broken fire hydrant. Civilians had long cleared the area and I’m sure more Sentinels were on the way. A throbbing in my lower back began, but I quickly pushed the thought of it to the back of my mind. The alien bared his yellow fangs and roared as he charged forward. I leaped, kicking the back of his head with each foot as I soared over him.

We switched positions and the stare down began once again.

His hands twitched before he reached for his weapon. The draw was quick and the fire was even quicker. I barely dodged the beam before the alien was upon me. I defended myself from the volley of strikes the best I could, but he was backing me down.

My back was almost against the wall when he threw a right hook. I fell to the ground and slid through his legs as his strike struck the brick wall, bringing it to dust. I then went on the offensive once again.

I attacked the midsection, battering it with strike after strike, attempting to wear down the beast. As I delivered the final punch however, I faltered. He sensed the hesitation and delivered a powerful uppercut. I flew through the air and my eyes closed for a moment.

I woke up on my back as he was stalking toward me. He wiped black gore from his face, and it simply smeared. I tried to get up, but my body seemed unwilling and he noticed.

“The first of many...” He lifted his weapon so I could see into the barrel. I could smell the charred metal from the blast it discharged. This final moment seemed to last forever. Was this my final moment? Was this the end of Caitlin Brooks?

No, I just won’t accept that. I can’t.

The barrel of the weapon glowed an eerie green. As he began to pull the trigger I struck the barrel, crushing the end of the weapon. He dropped the heating weapon out of his hand. The weapon rumbled upon the asphalt of the street, glowing hotter and hotter.

“What have you done?” An expression of fear surfaced upon the creature’s grey face.

I couldn’t stop the smirk from surfacing to my face. Undefeatable my ass. I turned and leaped with all the strength that remain in my legs, but it wasn’t enough. I could sense the deafening clap behind me and the heat of the explosion on my back. It further propelled me forward and I crashed hard into the ground, unable to get my legs underneath me.

I laid there, immobile, in the crater of asphalt I had made and watched the cloud of smoke rise up into the sky.

“I win.”


#2 Pseudonym

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Posted 17 April 2012 - 04:31 PM

1) Eh, I have nothing to think about it. There's no main character, plot, setting, or hook even. It's decent, I guess.
2) This is a small nitpick, but Archer Park might not be a place in Khazan. Archer is like Khazan's The Suburbs and while Suburbs may have small playground, if you're looking for a Big Green, you'd do better in The Kits.

#3 deojusto

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Posted 17 April 2012 - 07:15 PM

I'd disagree with pseudo, I think its a nice hook with the beginnings of a character. You still have a ways to go though and it could still go either way.

#4 Darkender

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Posted 22 April 2012 - 01:55 PM

Yeah, I know it wasn't a lot, but #YOLO. I have to get back to this. I've written a lot more, but I feel like it's missing something to make the complete the concept I'm going for. Will be updated soon.

#5 Darkender

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Posted 24 April 2012 - 01:35 PM

Finished the Bio & personality.

#6 Pseudonym

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Posted 24 April 2012 - 03:30 PM

Good. Holy shit good. Your introductory fight scene was absolutely fantastic. This was well done. The only thing I'd tell you to work on is making sure her power is differentiated from Steel Will.

#7 Darkender

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Posted 25 April 2012 - 03:44 PM

Thanks Psuedo, and don't worry they won't have much in common.

#8 Darkender

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Posted 02 May 2012 - 08:49 PM

Bit by bit. One more section to go. If you spot anything weird or just plain dumb be sure to holler.

#9 Darkender

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Posted 07 May 2012 - 06:10 PM

Finally finished! It took me a while to decide on an ending but I suppose this will do. Any comments are welcomed.

#10 Pseudonym

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Posted 07 May 2012 - 06:18 PM

Yes. Good. This. Good.

Tell treach to get down here and read this. This is a very solid character.

#11 treacherous

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Posted 08 May 2012 - 02:18 PM

I think Pseudo hit it on the head. Solid character. I think the generic alien needs a little more substance to make him meaningful. You are welcome to use Epoch in generic aliens place. There are a few characteristics of your alien that match Epoch's. The never give up thing. The feeling that if your character quit, the alien wins. Which would fit Epoch's way of thinking perfectly. You quit, you lose mentality and the I'm undefeatable thing. Having her beat a character that already has a brief background and known emotion will add to the depth of it. Perhaps create a little more empathy for her. Feel free to keep the same ending as he has already met his database death. If you don't decide to use him, that's fine too. Here are a few minor errors for fix up.

"They moved freely along __ ground" - Need a "the"

"I tried to looked into the sun" - "look"

"I fell my knees" - I'm assuming that's, "I fell to my knees"

"The say the blast from the alien invader" - "They"

" It was Tiger Delilah" - I think that's Dahlia. My ex-girlfriend was Delilah.

"I paused for __ moment before answering" - put an "a" in there

"I sidestepped the tackled" - "tackle"

" I fell to the ground and slid threw his legs" - "slid through", unless a slide throw is some cool new move?

These are really nothing. Just minor nitpicks. Remember, when people start nitpicking, you are doing something right. So, just nitpicks, I hate little minor errors like those, I always go back and read my characters and find a few. So, I figured I'd show you yours. Last, don't let people forget your character. Write a couple of set ups upon her debut and afterwards. People forget your characters and your characters die. The create your own set up thing is a beautiful thing.

#12 Pseudonym

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Posted 08 May 2012 - 03:23 PM

Yeah: Don't let this one die. I did that to Alma Nocht. Make sure you keep up with Catatonia.

#13 Darkender

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Posted 09 May 2012 - 08:21 PM

Thanks for reading it. I'll take a look at Epoch's character again and see if I can slip him in without changing too much. That was one of the things that I thought would detract from her character, her fighting a generic villain.

Hmm, I don't know why those words are missing. They're there in the word doc. Weird.

And I'm already starting on her first fight.

#14 treacherous

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Posted 10 May 2012 - 11:06 AM

Darkender, Epoch is badass. I won't even assume the level of madness that had to ensue for him to be at the bottom rung in the Globals. Shenanigans... :P

#15 Darkender

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Posted 11 May 2012 - 09:43 PM

I'm not doubting his badassery. I'm just too lazy to rewrite the whole fight scene to accomodate his powers lol

#16 treacherous

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Posted 11 May 2012 - 09:54 PM

His powers? I knew you didn't read the character.

#17 Darkender

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Posted 11 May 2012 - 09:57 PM

Haha, I was just about to edit. I actually did read it when you first posted it, but I hadn't reread it since and I only remembered power manipulation which was vague to me from the jump start. I just was looking at it though and he should fit fine. Now it's just to find the will to revise.

#18 treacherous

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Posted 11 May 2012 - 10:04 PM

FIND IT!




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