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Hellbike


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#1 Tristan 2010

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Posted 09 March 2012 - 08:52 PM

Super Short Version: Cynical post apocalyptic scavenger with a flying motorcycle.


Bio

A thousand years from now, they might look back and ask who fired first. They might take apart the motives of world superpowers, presidents, generals, they might criticize the military industrial complex of a dozen countries, or they might just ask why the hell it was neccessary to build enough nuclear weapons to reduce every city of five thousand to a smoking cinder, and to blow humanity from a thriving civilization to a desperate remnant.
Right now, we don't give a shit who pushed the button first. It's been two decades since. And it's a godforsaken hellhole.
At least that's what they tell me. Being nineteen, this is all I've ever known. My mother was eight months along, and stranded in the middle of nowhere when the bombs fell. That kind of luck is what us survivors share in common; if you can call it that.

Personality

Factories, libraries, infrastructure. Most of it was reduced to pebbles. What I've pulled together is sophisticated avionics - not that there are any planes left to fly - and remants of a motorcycle plant. The leather jackets in the company store were more useful for a long time.
But there's always an "us", and always a "them", and "us" and "them" are always fighting over scarce resources, food, gas, clean water sources, even women and children. Weapons caches were the first to be plundered twenty years ago, but even now, you still sometimes find one in the right place, back when they sold guns and ammo for sport hunting and target shooting.
If I had a soul, I would have sold it to live a life where I didn't have to shoot to kill, where I didn't find the remnants of dead bodies still even after all these years. But after the war, I'm not sure any of us have souls any more.



Powers, to be described in a later post

Vehicle: Standard
Flight: Standard
Acrobat: Standard

(these three combined create the Hellbike, basically a harley davidson with near-VTOL capabilities)

Armor: Standard
Piercing Weapon: Standard, Ranged, Multi-Attack
Mental Defense: Standard

(these three are a little less fantastic, body armor, a sidecar mounted machine gun, and a hardened mental toughness from living nineteen years in hell.)



I know, I've got a long way to go on this one, but interested in seeing what I get from the crowd.

#2 sirmethos

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Posted 09 March 2012 - 10:27 PM

All in all, I'm far from impressed.

1. I'm seeing a whole lot of "telling" and no actual "showing". Not feeling the character at all.

2. Seems like an over-used cliche. I mean, really? Sounds like an over-used model for boring protagonists in bad action movies. It was good when they created Mad Max, it was bearable with Snake Plissken. But at this point in time, the horse is not just dead, it's little more than a bloody smear in the ground.

I'm sure it's possible to create something interesting with this setup, but at this point, you're not even close.


I really want to say something positive about the character as well, but after re-reading it(for the third time now), I really can't think of anything.


As an added note, there is only one c in "necessary" and "remnant" has 2 Ns. Considering that browsers like Firefox and Google Chrome come with automatic spell-check, errors like that shouldn't be allowed to happen.

#3 deojusto

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Posted 09 March 2012 - 11:35 PM

For the last power you might want to consider iron will and not mental defense. Mental defense is specifically a defense against psychic and mental attacks, while Iron Will is mental toughness, perseverance, and willpower which seems like what you are going for.

As far as a review this thing is maybe 1/4th done so I don't feel comfortable passing judgement quite yet. But my first impression is that I really like the voice of the narrator, but this is all drawing way to many similarities to Fallout for me. A world destroyed by two sided nuclear war, a single protagonist of undefined gender and name with little background information, however unlike fallout I don't have a great sense of geographic location. Also its kind of similar to this, http://www.electricf...ts/show?cid=428

Like I said this is only a quarter done so a lot of that is premature. I think Methos is being a bit overly critical; your guy can have a bike in a wasteland because it seems like you've put more thought into what it's going to be rather than just a bike. This will be a bike straight out of hell. I also think show don't tell might not be the problem. I use that phrase a lot (Too much probably) so I understand where he's coming from, but it might not be warranted here. I think the problem is that its only a quarter done, what you've written is ok for details and when the rest is written more of the characterization will come out.

In short, right now I love the voice but I want more in terms of characterization and setting.

#4 Pseudonym

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 06:33 AM

You're doing a lot of world building and not a lot of character work in your Bio and Personality section. That's all well and good, but you've got to start delving eventually. All I know about this bloke is that he's a mechanic who doesn't like shooting people. Deojusto said most of what I had to say though.

#5 Darkender

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 01:50 PM

Why so critical?

I agree with Deo. The voice is very likable and so far so good. I would hope it doesn't end up too cliche.

#6 sirmethos

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 02:14 PM

I don't particularly think I'm being "overly critical". Just giving my honest opinion.

And as I said: "I'm sure it's possible to create something interesting with this setup"

#7 Tristan 2010

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Posted 10 March 2012 - 02:40 PM

As far as the spelling, I threw the bio & personality together in notepad; missing spell check is a mistake that a veteran like me shouldn't make. Point taken.

And maybe I don't know yet how to come up with anything spectacular to break it out of the cliched post-apocalyptic motorcycle based scavenger with bad attitude (besides the fact that the motorcycle is going to be able to fly). I'll see what I come up with over the next few days.




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