Dear Marvel Man 3/16/10
With Marvel Man
It's Women History Month, and you all know what that means. I need female readers. How do I do that on such a male dominated site?
Good looks? Add an advice column? Chocolates?
Well, I went with the second choice...
Today's Topic: Dear Marvel Man
Alright, like I said, March is Women History Month. That's when we celebrate all the great things women do. Without women, who would cook our food, clean our homes, etc?
Well, my female assistant, Marvel Chick, is informing me that I'm a bias male. Women have had great moments, blah, blah...
I really need to close the door to my office.
Hey, look at this!
Haha! Oh, that's better...
Anyways, where was I? Oh yes. I need to appeal to women. This is harder than most people think. Specially on a site like Electric Ferret. Not only that, but I'm unable to use my good looks on the Internet. Or buy cheap chocolates & flowers!
Women's kryptonite... I mean, a nice gift to give a beautiful girl...
I only have words to help me!
It was at this point that I came up with two great ideas. I will use both.
Naturally, the first step in my plan to attract a female fanbase, was get a hunky assistant. One who has no problems over posting pictures of himself over the Internet. So, I called up some friends of mine from my modeling days, and got a few guys to pose. I'll introduce them later.
My second idea was an Advice Column. These columns are places for women (and sensitive men) to ask for advice. This is usually provided by another similar woman (or sensitive man). I hear women dig em', and many Pro-Female sites have adapted them.
At least, that's what Wikipedia tells me.
Anyways, my next problem was finding people to give advice to. Lacking any female fans, I quickly realized that I needed outside help. A quick google search (Ha! Another plug. Advertising money is sweet indeed. ) brought Mrs. Webb. She's an actual advice columnist, who gets tons of emails per day.
Interested, I checked some of her responses.
I became sick instantly.
These people must be desperate to turn to Mrs. Webb. She's nice and all, but these suggestions won't help anyone! They need a guy they can trust. Someone like Marvel Man!
And so, Dear Marvel Man, was born. Right now I'll start by helping Mrs. Webb's readers, but I hope to get PMs from actual EF users one day. Anyways, let's begin. What is the first question James?
Dear Mrs. Web,
I am looking for impartial advice. My fiancé and I are getting married next month. We have a four-year old together. My mother-in-law has always been good, not interfering, or manipulative. Until now. She is in charge of the rehearsal dinner and instead of having it catered, she decided to host a barbeque. I was disappointed but agreed. My fiancé and I gave her the list of the invitees and now she says that she has family in town, about six people, who she is including at the dinner. She knows my feelings and is blatantly disregarding them. I told her to forget about the dinner, I would host it myself in a restaurant. Now she says that she will not be attending my dinner. My fiancé and I agree that this OUR wedding and we should be able to have things the way WE want them. She has no right to dictate to us. I don’t want my mother in law to walk all over me. I think I deserve an apology.
Mrs. Webb: I DO think an apology is in order. I think you should get off your prima-donna high-horse and along with your fiancé, beg your mother-in-law’s pardon for your rudeness. Imagine telling the hosts whom they can invite. This is not how honored guests behave. Just because you are getting married does not mean that the world revolves around you. Your mother-in-law is not walking all over you; she is getting out of your way.
Webb, you're mad. If anyone's right here, it's definetly the wife. Lady, this is your special day, not hers. Stand up to her now, or she'll undermine your authority forever.
What You Should Do: I think you should hide in her garbage for a few days and wait until she goes out by herself. Knock her out then quickly take her to a well guarded spot. Demand that she apologize for your hurt feelings or be forced to watch a full season of "Howie Do It".
Altough, that might be too much.
However, I must agree with the Mother-In-Law on one thing. Barbecue's the way to go. Anyways, good luck on the wedding.
Dear Mrs. Web,
A former co-worker called and asked for a favor. When he was with the company, he (ahem!) “borrowed” some old office equipment from storage. He now wants me to return it for him. What should I do? Put it back? Inform my boss?
Mrs. Webb: What will happen to you and to your job if you are caught with stolen merchandise on the premises? This is your friend’s problem and he needs to deal with it. Perhaps you can suggest that he sit down with the boss and offer to pay rent on the little-missed equipment.
Webb, this is madness. She wants advice, not a lecture.
What You Should Do: Host a special dinner and invite the boss and co-worker. Convince all to participate in a special scavenger hunt. These items will be the stolen property.
While this is going on, take your friend to an isolated spot (filled with cameras and microphones), and ask him to explain the situation again. As soon as you get what you need, hit him with a strong sleeping agent and pull his body back to the party.
By now, the items should've been found, and you're boss should be suspicious. Surprise everyone by showing them the video you just filmed. Take advantage of the moment and ask for a raise.
Dear Mrs. Web,
My best friend wants to be a singer and she is really good. I 'm afraid that when we grow up, she might become famous and not remember me. What do I do?
Mrs. Webb: “When you grow up” is a long time ahead. The future is not ours to know, so stay in the present, and enjoy your friend. Perhaps you will become her manager.
Webb, what is this?! Tell this kid to stop being selfish and move on.
What You Should Do: Kid, if you want her to remember you, do something crazy. Throw her a surprise birthday party (not on her birthday) and have all the guests show up dressed up as fruits & vegetables.
Or, you could encourage her and be a pillar of support. Whichever works for you.
Dear Mrs. Web,
My daughter lives out of town, and is expecting her first child. We would like to give her a baby shower but she cannot attend. How does one go about giving a baby shower without the mother-to -be present?
Mrs. Webb: You wouldn’t give a birthday party without the birthday girl and you don’t give a baby shower without the mother-to-be. The best you would be able to do is either import your daughter for the party, or send all the potential shower invitees birth announcements after the fact.
Webb, have you ever been to a Baby Shower? No seriously, have you? Cause being a guy prevents me from going to one...
What You Should Do: Oh, I don't know... Uh... Get a large cardboard stand-in for her? Then proceed to do whatever women do at such gatherings (which I imagine include a few rounds of gossiping, followed by a bathroom break, and then a long reading out-loud from the latest Twilight/Nicholas Spark Novel)
Make sure you get plenty of pictures though.
Anyways, another idea would be to go to her location, since y'know, you are her mother, and she is having a baby!
Anyways, that's it for this week's Dear Marvel Man. PM me your letters, or just ask away in the comments.
This is Marvel Man, signing off.