Maj. Zuckuss writes:

As in any grand sport such as this, being the oft-unheralded cousin of Pro Wrestling, this match will go to the girl with the best cornerman/manager/demigod/whatever. And now for a completely UNAUTHORIZED inside report, we take you now to BiggleSnoot Williams, Frank's illegitemate brother.

"Thank you Major. As we can see quite a crowd has gathered for this mother of all mud wrestles. We see Pocahontas approaching the ring. It seems that Captain John Smith, her cornerman, is still suffering from his gunshot wound. That and his unhealthy English diet seems to have rendered him useless for all intents here today.

"And now here comes Belle. Not willing to be outdone, and hoping to elevate the image of the French combatant, she has brought her entire staff including the Prince. Oh, wait, Lumiere has gone off after the Diznee girls, oh and Cogsworth is chasing after him! Well she still has, wait! Chip has started crying and Mrs. Potts is taking him back out! And wait, look, the other servants, having no character development, they're going too! I guess that leaves only the Prince.

"Here comes Ariel, and, yes, yes! A large tank is being brought to ringside. King Triton is in the house! Well it looks like...

"But Jasmine has brought the Genie. King Triton and Genie seem to be sizing each other up now, so we can expect things to be very exciting both inside and outside the ring."

Thank you BiggleSnoot. The match has started and there's Belle, she seems to be hiding, being French and all that. Jasmine and Pocahontas lock horns, and Ariel's circling around them, waiting for an opening.

Pocahontas' corn-fed physique is too much for Jasmine and she is thrown across the ring. Pocahontas goes for a dropkick, but OH MY GOD! Ariel has snuck up behind her and knocked her out with Sebastian! Ariel tosses Sebastain away and the match continues.

Oh, yes, it seems Belle is still hiding! Ariel and Jasmine have seen her. Belle steps out of the ring to confer with the Prince, but he's just as inept as she is. Oh, if only Gaston were still here, Belle would not be in such serious trouble.

Ariel climbs to the top rope and Jasmine is now backing Belle into the steel dividers. Ariel is up top now, ready to strike, oh my, Jasmine has yanked the top rope and Ariel comes crashing down onto the cement floor! She's out cold!

Jasmine climbs back into the ring and the crowd starts chanting "CHIC-KEN" while Belle refuses to go back in. The referee's almost counted her out now, but she's getting back in!

Here we go folks! Belle leads in with a 3-point tackle, sending Jasmine into the muck. Jasmine flails her legs madly and kicks Belle off her. Belle goes for a forearm chop, but Jasmine catches her arm and throws Belle into the corner.

Jasmine has Belle trapped in the corner! She climbs to the middle rope and starts beating Belle on the head.

1,2,3,4,5,6... wait! Belle has countered and is carrying Jasmine to center ring! She has Jasmine up in a gorilla press now, and down Jasmine goes! Owww!

It looks like it's all over now, Belle climbs up the ropes and is going for the elbow drop. Look! Genie has thrown his lamp into the ring! Jasmine grabs it and holds it up just as Belle comes down! CLANNG! Belle is dazed, Jasmine goes for the cover, 1,2,3, it's over! Jasmine wins! Somebody get a hose.