JAY: I see both of the ladies are beginning to move through the crowd. Each
with their own plans set to reach their goals... you know Pat, I never saw
secret agents at work before...
PAT: Emma Peel is cutting a gorgeous figure in a low-cut black Oscar
De-Laurenta original. These Washington windbags are going to be putty in
JAY: Agent 99 is also looking lovely in a blue Dale William Metcalfe. She's a bit more forward and business like. Two different styles I'm seeing here today.
PAT: The women are splitting in different directions. I'll be tailing Peel while Jay
tags Agent 99. My super-secret microphone is operational and my martini is dry.
Ta-Ta, Jay... excuse me whilst I mingle...
JAY: While my partner is off having fun, I'm sticking close but not too
close to Agent 99. She is currently talking to another man. A well dressed
mild-age fellow... he handed her something! I can't tell what it is but... she's moving again.
PAT: Mrs Peel is whispering into the ear of a congressman... and he is
handing her something... ARGH! I can't see what it is! Oops... she's on
the move again.
JAY: Pat, I lost Agent 99. She gave me the slip... DOH! Women have been known to do that to me.
PAT: Hehe, Jay... To bad, so sad! I'm following Mrs Peel, no problem as
she slinks... towards the kitchen?
JAY: Pat can you hear me? I've seem to have aroused the suspicions of the
building security and they're about to eject me... HEY! Watch it buddy!!! Do you know who I am.... CRASH! er... Pat... I'm outside now.
PAT: Jay... You lost your target AND got booted outside? Sheesh! O.K,
Folks... Emma Peel is in the kitchen now and super-secret-spy-stuff could
happen any minute!
JAY: Pat, I'm running around outside looking for a way back in... whoah! I
found her! Agent 99 is outside scaling a trellis up to a second floor
window. I'll try not to lose her again.
PAT: Lucky break for you Jay! I am watching Emma, who has approached the
Head Chef.... The Chef has taken Mrs. Peel by the arm... Leading her to a dark,
unoccupied corner of the kitchen...
JAY: Pat, I'm scaling up the trellis after her and without trying to break
my neck at the same time... I'm looking into the window now and I see Agent
99 in some sort of library. She's trying to open up a super-secret wall safe.
PAT: Ummm... Mrs. Peel seems to have disappeared on me....
JAY: You lost Mrs. Peel, Pat? Sheesh! Why don't you try getting yourself
tossed outside while you're at it. Hold on, Agent 99 has gotten the safe
PAT: Hmmm... Here comes the Chef... no Mrs. Peel. Secret Passage maybe....
JAY: Agent 99 is coming back towards the window... she's going to see
meeeeee... aaaaaaaghhh... THUB
PAT: I am investigating a concealed passage... there are stairs leading up!
I am in hot pursuit.
JAY: Ohhhh... I have fallen and I can't get up... O.K. spine, work with me.
Pat, if you can hear me, Agent 99 is still upstairs. I'll try to climb back up... I'm too old for this.
PAT: Jay... I'm getting too deep in the building. I'm going into silent
mode. Let's break now for this LIVE report from our own Side-Line
commentator Frank WIlliams.
Never fails. Whenever I'm supposed to bring my super-secret two-way-radio-watch, I just bring my Timex! Anyway, Agent Williams reporting from the refreshments table. These government guys sure know how to throw a party! There's 10
different kinds of cheeses! And the punch is superb! Hmmm, I think it's time for my break. Excuse me...
JAY: Pat, I'm back inside now. I see the wall safe but no Agent 99. Wait I see
a light coming from under a closed door. I'm going to investigate.
PAT: Jay, I have emerged from the super-secret-staircase into what seems to
be a Conservatory. I can see Emma over by the fireplace... she seems to be
examining a rope and a lead pipe?
JAY: Pat, I'm opening the door a crack... I see Agent 99 in a Billiard room and... she has a
revolver... I repeat, Agent 99 is packing heat!!!
PAT: I believe Emma got these objects from the guy downstairs.
However, Emma is discarding them... her super-secret-spy-skills tell her
that these are Red Herrings... false leads!
JAY: Agent 99 is moving. She's coming this way... I'm hiding!!
PAT: And here comes Emma out of the Conservatory... and... er... there she goes
storming downstairs. I was totally ignored.
JAY: Agent 99 has left the Billiard Room and crosses into the the hallway. She doesn't see me either... I think she is heading back down stairs, too Pat.
PAT: Jay, I am attempting to eat the olive from my martini, now, whilst
navigating the stairs. I think Emma is making a bee-line for the Dining
Room. This could be it! One of these women knows who the murderer is. Let's get some commentary now from our own Jack Gibson who has this special report...
...I'm whispering because spies always whisper camera guy. Oh, um...Hello! This is Jack Gibson live from the grand staircase of the White House Ball Room. What a sight its been to watch these awfully fine ladies work, and it's been quite
amusing to watch my two fellow reporters tail them. I have
no more of an idea of what's in those envelopes then they do, but there were a lot of nervous glances between both parties so it must be important. Whoops got to go, my shoe is ringing and they didn't make my martini right. I said shaken not stirred!
Back to you Jay.....
PAT: O.K... what do you have, Jay?
JAY: The ladies are on a collision course now, Pat. We're downstairs
now and we're heading towards the dining room from the opposite direction.
It could be trouble...
PAT: The women have busted into the dining room almost simultaneously!
There is a sudden dead quiet now... The women are looking at each other... they are going to speak...
Emma & 99: (simultaneously) I Know Who the Murderer is!
Emma & 99: (turning, simultaneously) Wait... You know who the murderer is?
JAY: Emma Peel is waving her hand to silence Agent 99. Emma is going to speak.
Emma Peel: I will now reveal who was behind the conspiracy assassination of President Kennedy. It was Colnel Mustard, in the Conservatory, with a Candlestick.
PAT: Ohhh! Of course! Yes! I... wait... Agent 99 is shaking her head....
Agent 99: Nah, nah... You have it all wrong! The Presidential assassination was carried out by Miss Scarlet, in the Billiard Room, with the Candlestick! Mustard was a C.I.A. plant!
JAY: er.. Well, there you have it, Folks! Lets see if the public buys it!