Presenting a Fight Contract Battle with your Guest Hosts KOLEMSAI and MAVERICK:
MALLRATS AND MOSH PIT
Wayne & Garth
Jay & Silent Bob
Wayne & Garth have decided to shoot their
show "Wayne's World" on location at a local mall. Unfortunately, they
picked the wrong mall...
Enter the illustrious Jay & Silent Bob who have been
encouraged by a rival t.v. producer who wants to destroy the set and ruin
Wayne & Garth's show. "We were gonna do that anyway," Jay replies,
"What else are we gonna do?"
Will Jay & Silent Bob complete this task,
or will the quick witted duo of Wayne & Garth stop them?
Join us now for a battle we had to call...
Born To Be Wild
This fight was home brewed by Kolemsai & Maverick.
THE SPORTS BOX
KOLEMSAI: Hello everybody, I'm Kolemsai,
and welcome to Khazan Shopping center where this weeks battle is about
to take place.
MAVERICK: Hi, I'm Maverick, and we're your
guest hosts this week as Pat and Jay are out hunting in Budapest this
KOLEMSAI: Mav, is there anything to hunt in
MAVERICK: I don't know, Kolemsai, but I see
Wayne and Garth now walking on stage with guitar in hand and drumsticks,
ready to rock and roll. The Live Telecast of their popular Cable Access show Wayne's World will be starting here shortly.
KOLE: It should begin in about 15 minutes, but something tells me we are going to see some action before then... Hazzad! Look! Jay and Silent Bob up
in the rafters. Word on the street is they're gonna put the SMACK down on this show. Now, before the action starts, let's see what the viewers have to say...
Favorite letter of the Week
Hooper X writes:
Jay and Bob all the way. First off, if you've heard anything about the new Jay and Bob movie, _Dogma,_ J&B have to kill ANGELS. Freakin' ANGELS. Wayne and Garth are mere posers. Plus, Jay and Bob are street as hell. No one can stand their wrath. Also, "Where does Bob get those wonderful toys?" Oh, and did Mike Myers direct any movies? Did he ever write anything? Nope. Silent Bob, AKA Kevin Smith, wrote ALL THREE films in the Jersey Trilogy. No contest. Wayne and Garth lie dormant, whilst Jay and Bob go SCHMOKE A BOWL!!!!
While Jay and Silent Bob are pounding the crap out of the losers, Brodie-man will come in and keep the crowd occupied with slams and disses while J&SB take out the trash.
Jay is the most evil person in the world, Bob is his henchman. Wayne and Garth are two mid-life-crisis in bad wigs. Jay has sold cigarettes to young children, he has insulted every female in the tri-state area. And one of his best lines is "Don't suck any dick on your way out." The man is the dark lord of the Cinema(TM) and a silent partner in Mtv. You know he is evil, but not Disney EVIL(TM). Bob has naked pictures of Kennedy. He is cool and composed. He is almost a Pope. Wayne and Garth have only done 2 things right. Scored with Madonna (but who hasn't?) and they put on a rock festival, but they forgot Ozzy and GWAR, so they did it poorly. The scene will be Jay and Silent Bob on tv, being their freaky coolness, with Wayne and Garth being fed to the Worm from Hell(TM) with Jerry Springer(TM)
I admit, it might be a tough fight, but in the end, Jay and Silent Bob are going to come out winners. The two stoners will trash the asses of those Illinois wimps and still have time to smoke a bowl over at Trish the Dish's house. All in all, when Bluntman and Cronic enter the ring, the only thing that will stop them is a mad case of the munchies.
This is a good match up. We have 2 pairs of complete losers. Both spend their time getting into trouble and, although Jay and Bob get into better trouble, neither would give up in a fight to the finish. Wayne and Garth would definitely come up with some kind of plan. Unfortunately, neither Wayne or Garth have the brains to beat even the stupidest of foes. Silent Bob, a modern-day Einstein(and occasional Force user) would devise some way of incinerating the pair of long-haired goofballs before they could trip over a rake and kill themselves. Also, Bob and Jay are much more evil than Wayne and Garth. After Jay and Bob decapitate their enemy, they smile and burn a fatty... Clerks Rules!!!
Wayne and Garth don't stand a chance against the original Bluntman and Chronic. Jay and Silent Bob have already taken out a network television production (and a mall security guard with TWO KILLS), they can handle a puny cable access show ANYTIME. Wayne and Garth can sit there and say "way" and "no-way" all they like while Jay curses the $hit out of the camera and gets the FCC on W&G's sorry ass like a bad case of hemorrhoids. Wayne and Garth have (maybe) an army of LAME early 90's SNL characters. Jay and SB know the entire Red Bank, NJ tritown area, not to mention their connection to the entire comic universe through Bluntman and Chronic. Wayne might be able to conjure up a good impersonation of Dr. Evil, and sure it'll be funny, but Silent Bob's got a utility belt. snoochie boochies!!!
'Lord' Rev. Dr. Paul Soth writes:
Alright, all four of them are at the same restaurant at the food court. Suddenly, Garth shoves Jay while saying "Ennhh." Jay ignores him, but Garth shoves again, "Ennhh." Jay tries to pay Garth no attention, but Wayne grabs Jay by the shoulder and says "He doesn't like you."
"Sorry, dude." Responds Jay.
"I don't like you either, dude." States Wayne. "You just watch your ass, we're the coolest guys in town. I got my own TV show!"
"Ok, I'll be careful, man."
"You'll be dead!"
At that moment, Silent Bob makes his way to Jay's side. He looks at Wayne, points his thumb at Jay while shaking his head. He then points a thumb to the menu and nods his head slowly twice. Suddenly, with a yell, Wayne pushes Jay into a table and rushes for Bob. But Silent Bob reaches into his coat and pulls out some sort of cylindrical objet. There is a slow cracking noise and a flash of blue light. In the chaos, Wayne falls down, yelping in pain. Garth moans loudly. Everyone looks down at the floor to see Garth's arm no longer attached to his shoulder. Silent Bob stands with his lightsaber ready, his eyes scanning the room with his eyebrows raising with his eye movements. Bob calmly deactivates his lightsaber, and returns it into his coat. Two common fools against a Jedi?
Come on! Wayne and Garth are so wishy washy. They can never compete with Jay and Silent Bob's utter maniac ferocity. What are they going to do, but stand around and say "Schwing" a dozen times and drool over Cindy Crawford. No, it'll be Jay saying "Let's waste these losers, fat@$$!" and Silent Bob rewiring that stupid pacer into a Wayne and Garth eating robo-monster from hell! It's Wayne's Funeral, Wayne's Funeral, Dead Time, Excellent. Snootchie Bootchies will always beat out two old dorks dressed like teenagers.
I must say, Jay and Silent Bob all the way. Wayne and Garth are done. Its was a stupid SNL skit that's gone too far. I want to see W & G either thrown off a balcony, turned into Orange Julius, sucked into an escalator, trampled by runaway Kmart carriages, used as kibble at the pet store, or beaten by wannabe Mall Cops (Now that I think of it, I want all that to happen). I've heard that Mallrats was a cool flick so they also get the movie vote. Die! Wayne and Garth Die! Die! Die!
Jay and Silent Bob...why? they think things through and get away with it the only reason Wayne ever got Tia is because Mike Meyers wrote the script...that's why Garth got Dream Woman because.. Mike Meyers wrote the script well hey Silent Bob does have a little help... but Jay...well Jay is a three point flaw...
Wayne and Garth will win. Jay and Silent Bob are cool but they can not defeat this Heavy Metal Duo. If they were up against maybe like say Bill And Ted they would have a chance but not against Wayne and Garth. 'NUFF SAID
Wayne and Garth? Please! They are an embarrassment to testosterone and are prime candidates to become poster boys for "Pussies R Us" I didn't even bother to look and see who their opponents were as the mere thought of those two pantywaists in a fight doubled me over in laughter! What would they use as weapons? Air Guitars?
Jay and Silent Bob's dark humor, vs. Wayne's World (and therefore SNL) silliness... I don't think so. Jay and Bob will fight dirty and you all know it! They'll stop at nothing to humiliate those two losers! When they're done, the town will see footage of Wayne and Garth in the back of a Volkswagen together ;)
I know both of those duos, and I must say that Jay and Silent Bob have that... Jen e' se qua (if that's how you spell it) ...or just that cool debonair that Wayne and Garth sort of lack. They're both mighty contenders, but my cash is on Jay and Silent Bob.
Sailor Xena writes:
Wayne and Garth are the first and there show is much better. What are Mall-Rats anyway; there losers while Wayne and Garth are celebs. Lets do the Scooby Doo ending WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Jay:"You pesky kids! We would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you!"
Wayne:"Party on Garth!"
Garth:"Party on Wayne!"
Now; the "Terminator" ending WHOOOOOOOOO!
Wayne:"Austa-lavista Mall-Rats!" ( sound of heavy machine gun fire complimented with agonizing screams of death)
Garth:"I think I'm going to hurl!"
Jay & Silent Bob will kick ass because well, simply they are destructive, quicker-witted than Wayne and Garth, and have this thing called flair. Garth really, is nothing but Wayne's monkey boy sidekick, while Jay and Silent Bob are a team. Just because Silent Bob doesn't say much doesn't mean anything. And not to mention that Silent Bob has a coat with stuff in it, while Wayne and Garth are armed with what? A guitar and two drumsticks. Loser... Wayne and Garth will kick ass... NOT!
Reverend Thrill Kill - Sinsecticide writes:
Well I'll be damned... It all comes down to the women: Silent Bob & Jay - Shannon Dougherty Wayne & Garth - Tia Carrera Wayne & Garth - Kim Basinger Silent Bob & Jay - The chick who sucked 37 d*cks and then screwed a dead guy in the bathroom or something. Obviously SB&J are a LITTLE outclassed here, I mean yeah they may have some funny movies, but NOTHING can compare with W & G's lovable innocence/ignorance... PLUS Wayne is a Kung Fu master, and my experience tells me that NOTHING beats Kung Fu. He is ALSO SECRETLY Mike Myers (not many people know this tee hee hee) and so can utilize his experience as Austin Powers (he got some with Hugh Grants wife, who doesn't even realize it) AND as Dr. Evil - who is a bad ass mother himself. No contest...
I have to go with Jay and Silent Bob. Even though Wayne and Garth are kinda funny at first but their gags got old fast but Jay and Silent Bob keep it fresh. As for combat Jay and Bob have been more used to physical comedy and not as distracted by Heather Locklear or Tia Carera.
I love wayne & garth, but this fight would just go to Jay and silent Bob. Automatically. I mean, wayne 'n garth are pretty harmless when all's said and done, jay and silent bob would be able to kick their ass in an instant.
This fight's a joke right? Silent Bob would stomp the shit out of both Wayne and Garth by himself. Meanwhile, Jay would simply pull a pin out of the set's crossbeam and, biggety bam, the whole stage comes crashin' down. Long live Bluntman and Cronic.
Wayne and Garth for sure. No reason - they're simply the coolest - remember that scene in the car in 'Wayne's World'? And they got the girls. WAYNE AND GARTH!!!!
Let me see, Souped up cattle prod from Hell, a Kung Fu Fighter, Tia Carrerre, A Psychotic Donut store cashier, A cop who's motto is "Go Deep" and the name of Stan Mikita vs. Two guys with weird gadgets? Wayne and Garth all the Way! The other two will get an anal probe as a consolation prize...
El Aggie writes:
Wayne & Garth..... What are they...... t.v personalities. Wow! I'm so impressed. Sheah.. right! Jay & Silent Bob would have to be the greatest team of ever. Not only that, but in their spare time they are Bluntman & Chronic. Superheroes for crying out loud. They just kick ass plain and simple. Jay & Silent Bob rules....Nuff Said!
Wayne and Garth ain't got prayer one against the Dork Knights. Silent Bob is gonna get all smart and shit, ad fly his FATASS right on top of dweeb Wayne's punk head, while Jay takes out Garth WOLVERINE style. shnick, scheeek-schick. Then they gonna roll a fat blunt and dance on the ruins of the stupid has beens. Nooooooooonch!!!!!
Miss Amanda Leigh writes:
Jay & Silent Bob have this one CINCHED. So Wayne can do Kung Fu - big deal. After all, in "Dogma," Jay & Silent Bob battle fallen angels, demons & a truly nasty poo monster. They win out any day of the week. I think that saving the world from utter oblivion and non-existence kinda beats out Waynestock, wouldn't you say?!
Dr. Dude writes:
Dudes and dudettes. My excellent friends. Anyone with taste knows that the one and only (actually its two and only) WAYNE AND GARTH will come through for us yet again. Jay and Silent Bob are simply too small in scope to defeat my bros. Did they ever put on a most excellent concert with Aerosmith and Rip Taylor(a god in some countries)? No! Did Jay and Silent Bob ever go party with Alice Cooper? NO WAY! Did either Jay or Silent Bob ever get a cop to stick his hand up Rob Lowe's unmentionable spot? Not even! Wayne and Garth are it man. I was at Waynestock, I know what it's all about! Wayne and Garth are old school, they keep it real. I'm here to keep it real. Keep it old school dudes. Vote Wayne and Garth. Party on.
MAV: Well, Wayne and Garth are sitting down together on an old and beat-up yellow couch, warming up the crowd here with their theme song...
Wayne & Garth: WAYNE'S WORLD, WAYNE'S
WORLD, PARTY TIME, EXCELLENT...
MAV: And, as if on que, Jay & Silent Bob are swinging into action. Up in the rafters over the stage, I see now that Bob has a baseball bat in his hand
and a length of rope tied to his feet. What could Jay & Silent Bob be planning?
Jay: (speaking to Silent Bob) Alright you tubby bitch, let's get
this done in a hurry, I got an appointment to hump yo ma doggy style, nooch.
KOLE: And Jay has shoved Silent Bob off the rafters and into the air! Bob is plummeting towards the stage... baseball bat in one hand ...!!
MAV: It's a classic Bungee. The rope catches tight as Silent Bob dangles behind Wayne. Here's the wind-up ... and the swing...!
KOLE: Wayne's a dead man. A hit with that baseball bat... No!! Wait! The Gasp from the crowd, as well as Wayne's own highly developed Kung-Fu "Chi" alerts Wayne of his impending peril...
MAV: Wayne, spinning like a cat on Meth pulls up his trusty guitar and blocks Silent Bob's initial strike!!!.
KOLE: Jay is in on the action now... sliding down the rope Silent Bob is dangling from. He touches down, his feet standing on the upside down feet of Silent Bob below....
MAV: From this precarious position, Jay leaps... hurling himself at Garth! Garth is pullled off his sitting position on the couch and both go rolling onto the stage floor...
KOLE: Wayne, fully recovered from the opening gambit, is standing and holding his guitar menacingly. He swings the mighty axe in a viscious overhand chop at Silent Bob...
MAV: Kole, Garth and Jay are picking themselves up... getting on their feet...
KOLE: ... as Silent Bob slips the rope's knot ... dropping and rolling to avoid the guitar strike...
MAV: Kole, the crowd, once transfixed by the spectacle is now starting to come alive in panic. Rent-a-Cops are starting to shove their way through the throng to get at the stage...
KOLE: Maverick, we now have Silent Bob and Wayne facing off in mortal combat. The baseball bat versus the guitar. Kung-Fu supremacy versus a bit of Jedi training and a utility belt.
MAV: Garth puts up his dukes, but Jay comes in with the sucker-punch left. Ouch!
KOLE: Wayne and Silent Bob trade an amazing sortee of blows. The bat is proving a quicker weapon, whilst the guitar also acts well as a shield...
MAV: Garth hits the floor... and... he's spotted something. Wait... Jay is speaking now...
Jay: Son of Jor-el, KNEEL BEFORE ZOD.
Snoochie Boochies, HA HA HA!!!
KOLE: The display of combat mastery continues on stage! Hey, look! The crowd is starting to hold back the Rent-a-Cops! They want to see this fight go!
MAV: Garth spotted something... he grabs it.. leaps up... Geeze Louise, he's got a shank! Some knife left over from the stage crew...
Garth: Think you can just come here and ruin our show?! Do you!!!! NOT!
KOLE: Uh, oh... Garth's going totally mental. He's foaming at the mouth! He charges...
MAV: Jay leaps back, avoiding the wild slashing....
KOLE: Silent Bob senses the new dimension of this fight. It's getting ugly and the cops will hit the stage soon. Time to end this.
MAV: Using the couch as a trampoline, Silent Bob leaps forth to stand before Garth....
KOLE: While Jay picks up Bob's old dance partner, slowing Wayne and his raging guitar down with a solid boot to the groin.
MAV: What is Bob doing? He's waving his hand at Garth. Garth stands up, he appears to be
KOLE: OH MY GOD, IT'S THE JEDI MIND
MAV: Yes! Garth is completely under Bob's
control. Bob waves his hand at Wayne... and Garth walks toward Wayne!!!
KOLE: Garth, nasty steel shank in hand... he's doing the stiff-armed "Psycho" motion toward
Wayne. Wayne, totally incapacitated by the nut-crunch, stand half-bent and helpless. Eyes wide as a rabbit in headlights... mouth gulping like a fish on land for words that will not come...
MAV: Garth is stabbing Wayne furiously.
There's blood everywhere. Somebody get a sponge!!!
KOLE: Bob's reaching into his coat and
pulls out... a Lightsaber? He turns it on!!
Silent Bob: All to easy...
Jay: Go fatass, Go
KOLE: Bob heads toward Garth....
THE FINAL VOTE
Wayne & Garth: 218
Jay & Silent Bob: 343
THE WRAP UP
KOLEMSAI: Bob slashes Garth in half as blood
fills the stage. The crowd begins edging away...
MAVERICK: Nothing can beat the Dark Side
Pictures for this weeks big fight came from:
NEWSASKEW.COM - The site for Jay, Silent Bob and other cool swag.
DISCLAIMER / NOTICE:
Wayne & Garth (TM) is the property (c) of Mike Myers (maybe)
Jay & Silent Bob (TM) is the property (c) of View Askew (I think)
This webpage makes no claims and attempts no infringement... this is just for fun.