Issue #184 - Mar. 31, 2005
General Mills Cereal Mascots
Kellogg Cereal Mascots
You know you want to see this. Mad, Mad raging cereal mascot battle action out on the hot sands of the mighty, legendary Khazan Sports Arena! It's gonna get ugly, folks, when these two titans of nourishing sweetened oats and bran collide.
You know the contenders... they need no introduction. And it'll be no-holds barred and take no prisoners today in the fighters pit when the milk hits the proverbial shredded wheat out there on the field today. Join us now in a battle we had to call...
Frosted Sugar Death
THE SPORTS BOX
Pat: Hello sports fans! Live from the Legendary Khazan Arena it's mad, mad action down in the Arena Fighters Pit today. Two teams of professionals will step out onto the hot sands of the Arena... but only one shall walk away. What an Amazing spectacle of insanity we have in store for you today. High above the fray, here in the Sports Box, we join you for another week of Sports Action. Hello and welcome, I'm Pat Summers.
Jay: And I'm Jay Peoples. These two teams really have it out for each other, folks. We've got an intense, intense, intense rivalry stepping into the ring today. A hot blooded feud that has been simmering and smouldering in the hearts of these contenders for ... well, for generations folks. For Generations! It's the real deal out there today - the kind of bloodlust you've come to expect from CBUB competition.
Pat: Stepping now from the East gate it is team Kellogg! Tony the Tiger is the natural leader of these fighters and he strides onto the Arena sands with a mighty Roar!
Jay: The crowd goes wild! Here comes the rest of team Kellogg behind Tony - Digem frog, Tucan Sam and the elves Snap, Crackle and Pop. This team is walking proud and ready for action.
Pat: As the Arena West Gate is thrown open... and here comes the General Mills team! Right out in front - it is the menacing yet regal Count Chocula! Stepping into the sands under the bright Arena evening flood lights... Chocula throws out his cape and hisses the rage of the choclate loving undead!
Jay: The crowd eats it up, Pat! Everyone is out there in the stands sreaming. Well, before the match begins, lets move up to the stands and see what the fans are saying today about the match. We'll be back with the LIVE fight broadcast After your opinions...
A lot of people are inevitably going to look at this the wrong way. They're going to say "Hey, let's look at that Trix Rabbit's record" and point out he's never lost. The same thing with Lucky. Now, you're going to notice a recurring theme on cereal mascots. With the exception of one, they never win.
With that said, I would like to point out one thing: When have we ever seen Tony, Snap, Crackle, Pop, Dig 'Em, and Tucan Sam actually *compete*? Oh sure, we've seen Tony kick around a soccer ball and hit a baseball, and we've seen Tucan Sam follow his nose aplenty... but when have they ever tested their wits against the most menacing, vile, sadistic, and imaginative form of creature alive? (And by that, I mean a human child, for those of you not on the same page)
No, Tony has tested his sports ability against children, and a fine display of prowess that was. A grown tiger against kids in a sporting event. Tucan Sam just flies around, guided by his sense of smell. Dig 'Em... Well, he's groovy and all, but come on? Let's think about this one for a minute. He was basically retired among the "greats" for a reason. And lastly, Snap, Crackle and Pop. Pop is *easily* more incompetent than Lucky, the Trix Rabbit, the Honey Bee, and any other "failure" cereal mascots combined.
For Team Mills, we have a Vampire who also casts magic and hangs around with other monsters regularly. And we all know that monsters demand one thing: Survival of the fittest. In this environment, the Count has risen to King of the Monsters, and leads the way with his amazing cereal. Second, we have Sonny. Now this bird is insane. He's going to suck back some Cukoo puffs, have a sugar siezure, and then he's gonna kick some ass. And lastly, we have the Trix Rabbit and Lucky. Yes, their track record is poor. But they're not dealing with children today, and certain rules are suspended. They don't have to be nice. They've got a taste to feel victory, and this is the only chance they'll have.
So, what's going to happen? There'll be four match ups. Count Chocula versus Tony, Trix vs Dig 'Em, Lucky vs Snap, Crackle and Pop, and Tucan Sam vs Sonny.
Now, I'm sure Dig 'Em is all hoppin', but you know what? Trix is a six foot rabbit. He's cunning, and he has the drive to win. Not to mention, he's a master of disguise. He'll be playing his best game today, and Dig 'Em's not even going to see the foot long foot coming that takes him out of the air and pummels him to the ground. Dig 'Em never had a chance anyway. He had no way to actually do any damage, and smooth talking isn't going to work today.
Sonny vs Tucan Sam... Now, I'll give Tucan Sam one thing. He's a Tropical bird, whereas Sonny is a forest bird. As a result, Tucan Sam has a greater survival drive. All the greatest bird hunting predators can usually be found in a tropical environment. However, he also has a fault. While looking for Sonny, he's going to catch a whiff of Trix and mistake it for Fruit Roll Ups. Quite simply, he gets distracted, and then Sonny takes him out.
Lucky vs Snap, Crackle and Pop. What, do you want me to write a huge deal on this? *Stomp, *stomp*, *stomp*. Fight's over. Lucky takes it.
And lastly, the last best chance Kellog's had. Tony the Tiger, versus... a Vampire. I'm sorry, Tony, but while you had spirit, drive, courage, and 800 lbs of feline muscle backing you... You're going against an evil that just simply overmatches you. The Count may look like a wimp, but he's undoubtedly stronger, faster, and more lethal than you. There's a reason that Chocula hangs around with monsters in his commercials. Because if he hung out with kids, he'd EAT THEM. Tony, you lost your predatory instinct a long time ago when you decided to play some baseball with the kiddies. I'm sure you'll make a great meal for the Count, even if your fur will get caught in his teeth.
Now, I'm a little upset I didn't see Post get included in this match up. No Sugar Bear?! He can do this all by himself! Combined with Alpha, and the Honey Comb Kid, that would have been an awesome team! I don't care if they'd have been outnumbered, they so would have had this match... but then again, maybe not. :P
General Mills will take it. Why? Here's why:
Sonny is a nut. In the commercials, he goes crazy in harmless cartoon fashion. But remember, the CBUB isn't about scripts. Without scripts, Sonny will get THE RAGE and start killing everyone and everthing on the Kellogs Team.
Lucky may be a harmless leprachaun, but remember, but once leprachauns get drunk, they will beat you to the pavement. Sneak some alcohol into his breakfast, and he will go POSTAL on your sorry ass.
Count Chocula is a member of the dracula family. Draculas suck blood. Chocula CAN and WILL suck your blood, then eat your brain as part of his complete breakfast.
Trix Rabbit, however, will be the easiest to kill, due to the fact that he never had the chance to taste Trix in 40+ years. But, of course, one of the Kelloggs guys will take his Trix cereal/yogurt. Again the "no scripts, no limits" rule will go into effect. Soon the Rabbit will get THE RAGE and will do anything to get his Trix, even slaughter you and eat your remains.
The Kelloggs team may have Tony the Tiger, (who I admit is a powerhouse) but he has some pretty crappy mascots to back him up:
Snap, Crackle, & Pop: If you remember one of the early CBUB matches, they got their asses handed to them by the Keebler Elves.
Toucan Sam: I have never seen him actually kill, more or less beat up anything in his life. The only thing working for him is the fact he can fly, but eventually, Sam will get tired and have to land, giving the GMills guys the moment of oppurtunity to spank him like a 4 year old at K-Mart.
Dig 'Em: This guy hasn't been in a commercial since, like, forever. Nobody is buying Smacks anymore. Face it, he's a has-been and deserves to die.
So it will mainly go down to Tony the Tiger and Sonny. If Tony keeps Sonny from going into his murderous rage, he'll be okay. If not, Sonny will go medieval on Tony's sorry ass, and General Mills win stand triumphantly over the corpses of the losers.
Even if Sugar Bear isn't on the current roster, I still don't see General Mills taking it. Tony has superhuman speed to go along with his insane strength, and I don't think any of the mascots from General Mills can counter a speedblitz.
As for the so-called "master magicians' on the Mills side, what have they done, really? If Lucky is so uber, why does he do such a poor job at protecting his cereal, marketing ploy aside? If he was so insanely good in that department, he could just trap the kids chasing after him in an unbreakable cage or something.
And as for Count Chocula, vampiric powers don't work so well when you're being torn apart. If he had shown any evidence of having vapiric powers (other than turning into a bat) or feeding on blood, I could see him being a heavy hitter on the team. But unfortunately, he doesn't.
I agree with you about Snap, Crackle, and Pop being largely useless. And Dig'em Frog will probably be taken out by his own teamates in order to spare us his annoyance. Toucan Sam has gone up against aliens, made scientists, all sorts of other villains, so he has experience as well as the advantage of flight on his side. As for Team Mills, their only two useful players are Sonny and Trix. Sonny because he could lapse into a psychotic rage and become a serious contender, and Trix due to the fact that he has experience with disguising himself and could possibly sneak up on either Tony or Sam and take them out (I don't know how, but I can see it being a possibility, however remote.)
But if Tony and Sam can take out those two, Kelloggs have it won.
The Nagger Writes:
Well even though I voted for team Kellog what would happen if the prize for the winner was *gasp* their favorite cereal. It's a win-win for both. The cereal companies get to slog another sellout commercial at us with really bad puns and the mascots get to degrade themselves over a bunch of cereal!
Well anyhow if the trix rabbit were fighting for trix and seeing a rival mascot he'd pull out all the stops. He'd go loco ese! He'd be like galactus when heralds challenge his might. That is though if the rabbit can get through his kid friendlyness and stupidity.
Otherwise Tony can take them all... and if hes energized well... Lets just say that even boris karloff would scream...
A much more even fight would be crazy old lady with cane vs a hydrophobic rabbit ya i'd pay for that. The kellogs team will be like a gorgeous woman to the mills team merciless, slow, and cruel. Then she'll leave with your cousin on his cool car and leave their little "fun" tape for you.... *mutter unintelegebly goes off crying*
Has anyone ever seen "The Road to Wellville" starring Anthony Hopkins (if you haven't consider yourself lucky)? Anyhoo, it's a bio pic (somewhat) of the man named Kellogg who eventually created the cereal company. And you know what? The dude was NUTS. Seriously. He'd talk about such topics as how solid his stool was to people with a completely straight face.
My point? You can damn well bet that insanity rubbed off on his ad men (and tiger). Feuled by such berzerkers, team Kellogg takes it.
The Red Fear Writes:
The horrors the Krispy elves were subjected to at the hands of those Keebler barbarians have hardened them. These aren't the happy-go-lucky Snap Crackle and Pop we grew up wiht and loved. The sheer unholy bloodshed Ebeneezer and his crew subjected them to has turned them into hardcore, brutal beserkers who will absolutely will not stop until they are feasting on Chocula's sugary heart.
Instant Coolguy Writes:
Come on people! General Mills is gonna take it faster than I slurp down the sweet, chocolatey milk at the end of a refreshing bowl of Coco Puffs! Just look at the compition...Diggum? Useless. Sam? Useless. The mini-crisped-riced trio? Useless. Tony is the only powerhouse, but The Count is a VAMPIRE. True, a quirky, choco-loving one, but he can still harness the powers of the undead. And, as we all know from the movies, leprecauns are little people not to be messed with. Sonny is clinically insane, especially when faced with soggy, frosted flakes...it pushes him over the edge! The Trix Rabbit is their only weak link...looks like he will die without having his bowl of Trix...hope those punk kids who wouldn't share with that 'silly rabbit' feel really good about that...
Team Kellog's got this in the bag.
Team Mills was doomed from the start. They got saddled with the biggest failure on the planet.
That silly rabbit has been consistantly outsmarted and outmaneuvered by children for TWENTY FRIKKIN YEARS!!! Does he never learn?!?!
As if that ain't bad enough then you have a vampire who's best buddy is a fruity frankenstein, and a rainbow colored mummy. Yeah, that's gonna go well.
And Lucky, well consideirng how his win-loss track record is second only to the Rabbit's, I don't see any miracles coming from him.
Ah but Team Kellog has the GRRRRRR-REAT one himself, the Tiger. Tony. Tony alone could mop up Team Mills, but has triple-trouble backup from Snap Crackle and Pop. Toucan gives him air superiority
Let's see. First we have a Leprechaun, a vampire and a rabbit with the speed and the plotting skills to make Wile E. Coyote green with envy (that last one may not be a good thing, but bear with me). Those are the "strengths" for team #1.
Meanwhile, the opposing team has Tony The Tiger providing melee fighting, and three cereal elfs that haven't done much in the way of magic lately.
I'm putting my money on the team with the vampire.
Mr. Graves Writes:
Well, it's very fortunate for Team Mills that all the mascots aren't included, because Kellogg's has, you know, the SUN. You remember him, right? Giant, fiery death, wielding two, count 'em, TWO scoops of Galactus-sized raisins? I saw him drop those things once in an episode of Family Guy. Those things crushed cars, man. CARS. Count Chocula would be the first out of town, and the others would leave soon after.
Also, even if it's just the characters shown, do the mascots get to call in their homies? If Snap, Crackle, and Pop all get in, what about the Toucan's cousins? What about Franken Berry, Boo Berry, Fruit Brute, and Yummy Mummy? Tony the Tiger may be a tank, but does he have a posse to back him up when the gauntlet is thrown down?
Anyways, I think with the current line-up in place, Kellogg's has got this. And since every third person posting a comment said this too, might as well jump on the bandwagon.
Yeah, I dunno if Tony could take on the whole team by himself, but with the back-up of CBUB battle-hardened veterans Snap, Crackle, and Pop, and Dig 'Em, whom basically Tony could just throw over to the Mills side and have him drive them crazy, the Kellogg's team is, well... you know... look, I just said it one sentence ago, I'm not saying it again.
On the General Mills crew, you have a vampire, a leprachuan, a bird that goes "cookoo for coco puffs," and a silly rabbit that never, ever gives us.
On the Kellogg side, you have a tiger, a tucan, three sprites and a frog.
Both sides have obvious strengths and obvious weaknesses.
The General Millboys:
The heavy hitter of ostensibly would be the vampire Count Chocula, but that isn't as big a deal as you might think. Chocula has obviously forsaken blood for chocolate, and therefore his powers should be at a low ebb. Therefore, his best asset should be his ability can soak up a lot of punishment, so long as no sunlight or wooden stakes are involved (no cereal box character would ever employ garlic!). Also, while I have to admire the heart of Trix Rabbit, there is nothing remotely threatening about the critter. He is also very stupid; children outwit him regularly. His determination could very well lead him to a stubborn demise!
That leaves the Lucky Leprachaun, whose Irish troublemaking magic powers are awesome. Cookoo bird, while not especially strong, fast, or fearsome looking, can go CRAZY... and crazy means dangerous.
Tony is the linchpin of this bunch. He is their toughest, heaviest hitter. He is also is generally an upstanding role model for kids, which demonstrates his leadership ability. He is a tank, and a tank who can run a team at that.
Tucan Sam has one thing and one thing only: that big beak!
Snap, Crackle and Pop have some magic. The Frog is even more worthless than Trix Rabbit.
The only member of the GM gang that can really hurt the Kellogg's gang is Lucky, and Tony the Tiger knows that. The GM gang, on the other hand, has no obvious leader. They will likely fight as individuals. So, Lucky is going to be the target of the entire Kellogg posse from the get go. The Sprites will try (and fail) to neutralize Lucky's formidible magic, and one or more of them will be toasted in the process. Tucan Sam will come from the air and Tony will storm from the ground. Meanwhile, Tony has sent the frog to stand off the rest of GM's gang alone. He is such dead meat! Even Trix Rabbit could take him out. Sonny Cookoobird intercepts Tucan Sam, and a aerial battle results. Tony the Tiger gets Lucky and guts him like a fish. Count Chocula has finished off whatever Sprites weren't obliterated by Lucky, in a misdirected effort at bailing his homey out.
Tony turns on Chocula, and being a good leader, has come prepared. Chocula is weak from drinking nothing but chocolate for years; Tony easier skewers him on the end of a big wooden stake. Meanwhile, despite his bigger armament, Tucan Sam has been badly mauled by the psychotic Sonny. Sonny and Trix Rabbit double team Tony the Tiger; the Rabbit is easily killed, but Sonny can fly and isn't an easy target. Tony is reduced to pelting him with corpses, but eventually he brings the bird to earth and eats him for lunch.
Dark Queen Writes:
General Mills has to take it and I will tell you why. YOu see, the secret powers of the mascot don't come from magic spells or if they are Grrrrreat at sports... their power comes from the sales of their product. No sales, no powers, no mascots. So why General Mills? Look at the products:
Count Chocula (Count Chocula) = whole grain oats.... in chocolate form!
Lucky Charms (Lucky) = whole grain oats... with colorful marshmellows!
Cocoa Puffs (Sunny) = Chocolate balls of puff!
Trix (Silly RAbbit!) = Fruit balls of puff to satisfy the parents.
Frosted Flakes (Hey Tony!) = Corn flakes covered in frosting. Yuuuuum.
Fruit Loops (Toucan Sam) = Just like Trix, only in ring form.
Rice Crispies (Snap, Crackle, Pop) = Simple rice cereal that makes fun noises when covered in milk.
Kellogs Smacks (Um... frog?) = Um... equally clueless. Hey, I didn't eat this crap when I was a kid.
Now when I was a kid you know what I wanted? Chocolate! and Sugar! Hell, if I could get them combined then I was in heaven. What kid can deny the desire to eat chocolate for breakfast? Not very many. They only have the fruit cereals for over-protective parents and kids who have allergies to chocolate... if that is possible. In this department, Mills wins 2 - 0. No contest, Mills wins it. Now everybody sing with me!
Hearts, Stars and Clovers, Horse Shoes and Blue Moons! Pots of Gold and Rainbows, and the Red Ballon! heheh, Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids!
are you kidding me?
a vampire, leprachaun, crazy bird, and a rabbit who never gives up (ever, he's like a rabbit bat man) against a tiger, a toucan, a lame frog that they don't even use anymore(they have a "cooler" version now, and three pixies or sprites, but most likely elves.
maybe the tiger would give team mills a problem, but against a lord of the undead?
the leprachaun's powers alone would kill the elves along with the rest. the kooko coca puffs bird takes care of toucan sam, and the trix rabbit will never stop until he defeats the frog.
team mills is GRRRREEEEAAAATTTT!!!
while team kellogs follows their nose to loserville.
Tony Tiger, I despise you (though your cereal is pretty good).
OK, I haven't heard about the chocalate vampire and the frog, so that leaves:
Cocoa Puffs bird
Snap, Crackle, and Pop
Toucan Sam is just some bird with an accent. He's good at fighting off aliens, but he's outta here. But, the Trix rabbit is an idiot. Geez, he gets the yogurt, then he dances around while the kids steal it back! EAT THE FLIPPIN' YOGURT, YOU RETARD! OTHERWISE DO THE WORLD A FAVOR AND GIVE UP! (they take each other out)
*whew* Ok, next. Tony is just some buff guy who only knows advertising. I also despise him for butchering the Remember the Titans song. He goes down.
So it comes down to Snap, Crackle, and Pop vs. Cocoa Puffs bird and Lucky.
Lucky goes bye-bye. I mean, like the rabbit, how smart can he be if 3 kids always get his cereal?
Outnumbered 3 to 1, with prolonged Cocoa Puff deprevation and his cereal being dissed all around, the bird goes wacko and takes out Pop. But I'm sorry, though I like GM cereal better, in the end, it comes down to those Rice Crispy Treats.
Kelogg wins, though I voted for GM.
Katrover Swatroad Writes:
At first I thought, "Team Kellog has Tony the Tiger on their side! Brute strength takes all!"
But then I realized, "Oh yeah? Team General Mills has a vampire and a leprachaun! Supernatural might trumps physical might!"
But then: "I'm more likely to eat frosted flakes and fruit loops than lucky charms or trix. I better got with the cereals I'd actually buy."
And then: "Who's the frog fellow? I can't even recall what cereal he advertised! I'm not voting for a team that has that loser on board."
Then I reflected on how long I haven't eaten cereal for breakfast for quite a while. Whadda pity.
Then I realized...
General Mills's initials - GM - also are the initials for Grudge Match (TM).
In memory of Grudge Match (TM), I vote General Mills.
Team Kellogg, no contest.
Not to mention that I haven't even heard of General Mills Cereals, I simply cannot vote against a team that has both Snap, Crackle and Pop AND Tony the Tiger!
Snap, Crackle and Pop are far from useless. In my opinion, no one named "Snap" can be considered harmless. Pop obviously has a past as a military man. And don't get me started on Crackle! He's obviously the most dangerous one!
(Seriously. Snap makes the stuff. Pop handles distribution. What do you think Crackle does all day? Sit around and eat Rice Crispies? Of course not. He's their enforcer!)
As for Tony, he's clearly a superhuman being. The only mascot I can even imagine matching him is the Quacker Suger Puffs Honey Monster.
And he's, y'know, a MONSTER!
The General better start looking for a new army...
The wild cards on the Mills team are the Cocoa Puff bird and the Trix rabbit. They're both insane and will do anything to get their hands on their cereal. Just promise them some of their cereal as rewards for winning and it's in the bag for Mills. And if that doesn't work the leprechaun can turn them all into marshmallows.
Master of the Obvious Writes:
Hmmmmm at first glance both sides seem evenly matched...
1. Things that bite...vampire vs. tiger..
2. Things that fly....coocoo bird vs. Tuccan
3. Things that hops...silly rabbit vs. silly "ribbit".
4. Things that are "magical"..leprecaun vs. elves/fairy folk...
Yet Kellogs will prevail
Sir Exal Writes:
COME ON, people!
The Kellogg's--Smacks, Snap, Crackle, Pop, Tony, and Sam--all represent their cereals with dignity.
General Mills actually fights for the cereal! We've got the Count, who CAN'T SURVIVE without chocolate, Lucky, who only gives up his cereal when caught, Coco, who is driven insane by the cereal he loves, and the Trix Rabbit, who will do literally ANYTHING for a bowl of cereal that he could just buy!
GM has got this. Period.
JC Money Writes:
TEAM KELLOGS ALL THE WAY!
With Tucan Sam leading the arial attacks, as well as sniffing out potential ambushes (just follow your nose), Team Kelloggs already has a great start.
What can the likes of Count Chocula bring to the fray? ONE TOOTH! Likley half rotted due to years of ultra-sugary cereal consumption!
Snap Crackle and Pop must be mad by now, after constant years of listening to noisey rice crisppies everytime the milk hits the bowl! Not to mention the ability to work as a team.
But look, its the Trix rabbit and Lucky! Oh no, a few half wit children just outwitted them and stole thier cereal again. What kind of tactics will these two fools bring to the battle when a group of pre-teens thwarts them everytime?
Tony the Tiger is an athlete, and a big one to boot. His pure size and strength, as well as his prime leadership abilities (he coaches teams and boosts confidence with his slogan "they're great")is the biggest advantage team Kelloggs has! Not to mention he is secure enough in his masculinity to wear a bandana around his neck.
This leaves us with Cookoo bird vs a hat wearing, smack talking frog. Perhaps Cookoo is crazy enough challenge the green wonder from across a busy highway *splat* (copyright of frogger)wich leaves this insane sugar crazed mascott free to tackle other enemies. However by that time, Team Kelloggs would have mopped the floor with the rest of General Mills and the contest is over.
Psychopathicus Rex Writes:
Hey, man, what happened to the Beetle Bailey/Gomer Pyle fight? It's not in the archives; what happened?
Ah, well... Anyway, the cereal fight. Let me say beforehand that, in terms of which cereals I would actually EAT, it's Kellogg's all the way. I chose Mills, however, and here's why.
First off: what does Kellogg's have on their side? Three elves, a tiger, a toucan and a frog - and I can't even identify the frog. (Some people will call me a cereal philistine for this. To those people, I say, up yours. My favorite cereal doesn't HAVE a mascot, so nyeh.) Admittedly, Tony Tiger is a BIG asset ('They're GRRRRREAT!'), but all he's really good at is basketball, and unless this is some freaky-deaky 'Space Jam' thing, that means nada. Toucan Sam is an effete british bozo, Snap, Crackle and Pop are just hyperactive schoolkids (don't believe me? One of the ads for their cereal features them in front of their respective lockers. Ha-HA, who's the philistine now, Sugar-Freaks?), and as for the frog - welllll, I know all about frogs. Out here in the sticks, we call 'em 'nature's tennis balls'; just toss 'em in the air and let fly. (Oh, stop retching; I've never actually DONE that, but I COULD have at any time, and that's the point.)
As for the Mills team, they've got Count Chocula, the...er...Leprechaun guy from Lucky Charms, the Trix bunny, and...uh, someone else. I can't go back and check without wiping all this out, so I'll just ignore him.
OK. So we've got a vampire, a leprechaun, and a rabbit. Vampires, as we all know, are damn near all-powerful, even chocolate-sucking bozos like Chocula, and since I doubt that anyone in this happy-friendly cereal-obsessed world that they all come from is goth enough to know about (or have the nerves to carry out, for that matter) the wooden-stake through the heart routine, that leaves him smelling like roses. Then there's the Leprechaun. OK, so this guy's an idiot who can't keep ahold of his marshmallows for more than five minutes or so (oy, that sounds nasty), but he's still a Leprechaun, and they are crafty little bastards. That inborn cunning will shine through, you watch.
And then we come to the rabbit. Er...
Oh, alright, the rabbit's a numbskull, and of no use whatsoever, but on this team he might be of some use. Maybe they can whack people over the head with him, who knows?
Plus there's one more guy who I haven't taken into account yet, and besides, they have the power of CHOCOLATE. It is quite clear from the picture that these people have chosen Almighty Chocolate as their talisman and Lord and Savior. Man, and you know what chocolate is connected with? PMS, that's what. Clearly, the big bowl of chocolate-y goodness represents the Great Mother Goddess Gaiia during her pissed-off, stay-the-hell-away-from-me time of month. What the heck do their opponents have? The power of artificial flavoring and puffed rice? They're goners, I tell you; the Mills team is going to take this one by a mile. Or, better yet, two. Hey, a marathon! And they could force Tony the Tiger to announce their victory, too. "And the General Mills champions take it by a mile! Across the finish line they go, kicking our rears so hard our tailbones make the roofs of our mouths bleed! They're GRRRRRREAT!"
Oy, I gotta stop typing these things at three in the morning. Psychopathicus getting sleepy and incoherent, will see you next time...
Edward Norton Writes:
Let's further examine the combatants:
Count Chocula:He's a vampire,so he's immortal and can suck the blood of the living.Unfortunately,SOMEONE on the Kellogg's team will wise up and drive a stake throught his heart.
The Trix Rabbit:he's a loser.Plain and simple.He gets beaten by eight year old kids,forchristsake!
Cuckoo Bird:Loses simply because I have no idea of who he is.
Lucky the Leprechaun:the definitive powerhouse.He has all the magic powers leprechaun have,no weaknesses,and the factthat he's Irish means that he fights dirty.Unfortunately,it also means that he'll be piss drunk when he enters the arena.Also,he too gets beaten by eight year old kids.
Tony the Tiger:well,he's a tiger,and tiger tend to rip apart and devour people.He has no known weaknesses,and has super strength for all of the sports he plays.
Tucan Sam:he lives in the jungle,so he HAS to have survival skills.Besides,he has super smelling powers.
Snap,Crackle and Pop:another powerhouse.Have Elfin Magic(TM),no weaknesses,ALWAYS WIN,and have the number advantage.Also,past CBUB combatants.
As you see,Team Kellogg's has to win.
Evil Eddie Writes:
Now this is THE battle to end them all...as sad as it may sound, I've always wanted to see this battle and now I get to see it AND comment on it...Can life (or cereal) get any sweeter? I think not, so here we go...
First of all, Team Kellogg's are gonna wish they had Wheaties for breakfast because that *SNAP* *CRACKLE* *POP* they're hearing isn't Rice Krispies...it's the sound of they're bones breaking into. Let's try to break this down shall we...
Sonny the cuckoo bird vs. Toucan Sam - Two birds, but only one with sanity. Sonny is the "Joker" of cereal mascots. He's totally nuts and even he admits he's "CUCKOO" for Cocopuffs. The only thing Toucan Sam is going to follow his nose to is an early grave.
Lucky vs. Snap,Crackle,Pop - This one's gonna be interesting. A magical leprechaun vs. three magical elves. I see Lucky trapping the three in a magical rainbow of fruity flavors and incapacitating the elves. Ya know that BIG pot of gold at the end of Lucky's rainbow? Well, while the elves are busy trying to free themselves, they get crushed with it!!! *SPLAT* *SPLAT* *SPLAT*
Trix rabbit vs. Dig'em the frog - two opponents that could hop each other to death. I see Dig'em almost winning this...almost. Just as Dig'em is about to deliver the final blow, he f**ks up! He says the one thing he shouldn't..."Silly rabbit...Trix are for frogs too." It's at this time that the tables are turned and the Trix rabbit loses what's left of his mind. If Sonny's the "Joker" of cereal, then the Trix rabbit is the " Incredible Hulk". All that rage inside finally comes out after all those years of being denied the one thing he's desired more than anything. "I might've been beaten by a couple of hungry kids in the past, but this is the final straw." He grabs Dig'em by the throat with one hand and pulls his legs off with the other..."TRIX ARE FOR RABBITS NOW BITCH!!!"
Count Chocula vs. Tony the Tiger - The Main Event of the evening! Yeah, Tony's got strength, stamina, and claws but he's not facing an ordinary human or a jungle creature. He's facing A VAMPIRE! A creature that's hundreds of years old with the power to command the will of any rational mind and can transform into and command certain animals. He will either 1.)hypnotize Tony and command him to kill his opponents, 2.) bring out Frankenberry to do his bidding/fighting and Frankenberry just tears him in half, or 3.)just bite him and turn him into a vam-tiger; cursed to do his master's bidding of choclatey evilness for centuries!!!
Now that fight would be truely "GGGGGGRRREAT!!!"
okay..let's compare teams..
Team 1: a vampire,a coocoo bird,a rabbit and a lepracaun..
Team 2: a tiger, a tucan, a frog and elves/fairies?
Now if these things actually existed the match would have to go..
Vampire vs. Tiger..
winner: count chocolua.. tigers are man eaters..but vampires are super strong, can transform,scale walls etc.
Rabbit vs. frog...rabbit easy winner without going into alot of explanation..
leprecaun vs. elves/fairies..
the leprecaun is supposely bigger..yet it is 3 to 1..I always go with strength in numbers...
CooCoo bird vs. a tucan...well coocoo birds are evil...basically they let other birds build a nest..then then move in and kill any eggs etc and set up shop.
But the tucan has the coocoo in terms of size and strength
so if your keeping track ..the match is a tie..
it makes me wonder where the big named players are..like sugarbear..captain crunch..those honeycomb kids
Team General Mills is made up of a bunch of uncomparable losers. Lucky and Trix Rabbit constantly lose to pre-teen children in a battle for cereal. Tigers, such as tony, maul pre-teen children. Sonny gets orgasmic pleasure from a bowl of cereal, so he'll be too busy getting busy with a cereal bowl to bother with the fight. That leaves a vampire standing alone against a humanoid Tiger who is constantly physically training, a frog with an annoyance factor unseen anywhere else, a Closeted Toucan(they are here, they are in 5 fruity colors, they ain't going to take it anymore.), and a team of 3 fucking explosive experts. Their cereal is the only kind that explodes. They rig up the Sun bomb from Van Helsing and this fight is over.
I'm giving this to General Mills.
Sure, the Trix rabbit is all but useless (and his disguises suck), but Count Chocula is a freakin' vampire! Which means he can also probably fly, so Toucan Sam is not 'the only air power on the field'. Also, Lucky, while inept, can turn things into marshmellows, which will probably be usefull.
The only effective Kellogg mascot, however, is Tony the Tiger, the rest are just worthless.
General Mills takes it.
That Tony the Tiger man, he' like the friggin Incredible Hulk, he once was having trouble hanging a hammok,so instead of doing the normal thing of, oh I don't know, finding two different trees, he stretched out his arms like Mr. Incredible, and pulled both trees CLOSER, along with the Island itself. Now this undoubtedly caused Earthquakes and Tsunamis elsewhere, but hey, as long as Tony is comfortable right?
Scooter Pie Writes:
Ok, it's Lucky, Count Chocula, Sonny and Silly Rabbit vs. Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle and Pop, Dig 'em Frog and Toucan Sam...
Well, Snap, Crackle and Pop are pretty useless. They make funny noises as the opposing team steps on them. Likewise, the Dig 'em Frog. Hey, don't frogs die when a Vampire passes by? I seem to remember something to that effect from the movie Captain Kronos - Vampire Hunter... But I digress. Toucan Sam's only talent seems to be following his nose. The only one in the whole crew that's worth a damn is Tony, who is a dumb jock.
Now, Lucky has his Rainbow Magic and that makes him pretty powerful. Sonny is insane. All they need to do is toss him at the enemy with a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and he explodes in a chocolate orgy. Silly Rabbit is a master of disguise and subterfuge. And Count Chocula is a Vampire.
I give this to General Mills. Easily.
Tyler Durden Writes:
Let's get ready to rumble!!!!!!
-Cuckoo Bird VS Dig'em Frog:
WHO!?I'll just give it to the damn bird,'cause birds eat frogs.
GENERAL MILLS 1 KELLOGG'S 0
-Tony the Tiger VS the Trix Rabbit:
Oh come on!Tony plays extreme sports like skateboarding or basketball,ALWAYS gets the cereal he wants,and he's a friggin tiger!Tigers eat rabbits,so Tony mauls Trixie.
GENERAL MILLS 1 KELLOGG'S 1
-Tucan Sam VS Lucky the Leprechaun
Well,Lucky has his Leprechaun Magic(TM)and thus can just zap Sam,or turn him into a snail.Sam can,at best,peck at him.Lucky wins this one.
GENERAL MILLS 2 KELLOGG'S 1
-Snap,Crackle and Pop VS Count Chocula:
The Rice Krispies elves will either use their magic to cast a beam of sunlight that destroys Chocula,or just drive a stake throught his heart.
GENERAL MILLS 2 KELLOGG'S 2
-Tony the Tiger VS Cuckoo Bird:
Tigers also eat birds.Savagely.
GENERAL MILLS 2 KELLOG'S 3
-Snap,Crackle and Pop VS Lucky the Leprechaun:
Well,I think this is the event that will rock the house.Leprechaun Magic VS Elfin Magic.Unfortunately,while they both go at it,casting different spells and zapping each other,Tony the Tiger comes from behind Lucky and unmercifully rips him apart with his clawsand teeth.
GENERAL MILLS 2 KELLOG'S 4
The winner is:Team Kellog's!The only ones wise enough to bring a jungle tiger to the fight!
El Kabong Writes:
Now, most of the time when I analyze the current matchup, I try to be fair and look on both sides. But sheesh, no matter how I look at it, this doesn't even look like a battle to me. One team has a frog, a tiger, a jungle bird, and some elf-looking things. Hardly intimidating, except for the tiger. Maybe.
Meanwhile, on the other side, we've got:
-A leprechaun (ever see those movies? You don't wanna mess with those guys.)
-An insane bird.
-A rabbit with so much rage built up in him after being denied his cereal for so long, he could rival a nuclear weapon.
Game, set, and match for Team Mills. It won't be pretty, let me tell you that. They're gonna need a toothbrush to clean out the remains of Team Kellogg from the cracks of the arena.
Jay: And there's the bell! This fight is ON!
Pat: The Kelloggs team immediately forms and charges!
Jay: As does the General Mills team!
Pat: It's Tony Tiger taking point for team Kellogs. He charges with a mighty roar! Digem the frog and the elves Snap, Crackle and Pop race behind! Tucan Sam flies low and menacing behind the pack!
Jay: On the Mills side, Face set with fury, Count Chocula leads the pack - Sonny Cookoo Bird and the Trix Rabbit close behind. Lucky the Leprechaun brings up the rear...
Pat: Jay... these two teams want a win, and they want it bad. The hair on the back of my neck is raised in anticipation of this incredible match.
Jay: And Here ... We ... GO! Tony the Tiger and Count Chocula collide... throwing themselves at each other's throats in raw bloodlust!
Pat: Behind Chocula ... on the Mills team ... The Trix Rabbit has grabbed a hold of his teammate Sonny Cookoo bird's tail feathers...
Jay: Trix Rabbit swings the choclate loving bird around...
Pat: ... Jay, it's a fastball special as the Trix Rabbit swings the crazy bird around and launches him into the air!
Sonny Cookoo Bird: I'M COOKOO FOR COO-COO PUFFS! COOKOO FOR COO-COO PUFFS!
Jay: The whacked out Cookoo Bird flies right at the Kelloggs Digem Frog...
Pat: ... And smashes into the Frog!
Jay: Meanwhile ... Chocula and Tony Tiger... both condenters have claws and fangs... Tony's taken a couple swipes - the tiger is bleeding from a gash across the chest and the leg...
Pat: Jay, Count Chocula looks damaged as well but the choclate loving undead vampire doesn't seem to bleed any... OH MY GOD!
Jay: HOLY MOTHER ...!
Pat: Tony Tiger has just ripped one of the counts arms from it's socket!
Tony the Tiger: They're GREEEEAT!
Jay: Lucky Leprechaun - Seeing the danger his teammate Count Cocula is in... points his hands at Tony Tiger releasing a magical rainbow of marshmellow flavors blast at the Tiger...
Pat: Tony is knocked back by the blast... Away from the armless Count!
Jay: Knocked right back into the insane Sonny the Cookoo bird...
Pat: ... Sonny the insane cookoo Bird who is holding the Severed Head of Digem frog in one bloody hand! OH the humanity!
Jay: The crowd goes wild as Tony flies uncontrollably into the bird, taking him down! Sonny Bird is rocked and the Digem frog head is knocked high... clearing the fence into the crowd!
Pat: Crowd members go grazy up there in the stands to be the one to take home that authentic cereal mascot head.
Jay: On the field... Tucan Sam charges Lucky Leprechaun ... Dive bombing in a rainbow of color from the air... the leprechaun doesn't see the colorful jungle bird...
Pat: ... SLAM! Tucan Sam impacts Lucky... both go down in a tumble... Tucan Sam grabbs the Leprechaun by the throat... and
Jay: ... and...
Pat: ... I can't watch it, Jay...
Tucan Sam: Follow your nose!
Jay: The Tucan slams his colorful pointed beak into the Leprechauns face! Blood gushes as the bird pecks out the eyes of the leprechaun!
Pat: With that kind of Trauma, Lucky must be out of this fight. But the Trix Rabbit is right there! With a mighty Rabbit kick he slams the Tucan in the head ... the Tucan is kicked across the sand and crumples.
Jay: ... As the Kellogg elves Snap, Crackle and Pop Gang tackle the Trix Rabbit.
Pat: Meanwhile, Tony has regained his composure, and immediately attacks the crazed choclate addicted Sonny Cookoo bird.
Jay: Sonny is mean and crazy, but it's hardly a match for the raw power and skill of the Tiger. It's over almost before it has begun as Tony swings one massive paw and snaps the birds neck.
Pat: But from behind... Sneak Attack!
Jay: Count Chocula... missing one arm... leaps onto the back of Tony - locking one undead clawed hand into the Tiger's breast and sinking his huge fang deep into the Tigers Neck!
Pat: Tony screams in rage and pain!
Jay: Look at the tigers eyes Pat! Tony is pissed!
Pat: The Tiger reaches behind! Tony sinks his own claws into the count...
Jay: ... In one swift motion Tony Tiger brings the Count over his head and smashes the Count down! Breaking the Counts spine on one of his massive orange and black striped tiger knees. CRA-AACK!
Pat: The crowd explodes in extacy of this amazing show of raw power!
Jay: The last Mills player... Trix Rabbit... he's badly out numbered now...
Pat: The Kelloggs Rice Krispy elves are tearing at the rabbit... crawling all over him
Jay: Pat, you can see the Trix rabbit knows this is the end...
Pat: Tony Tiger throws the broken, armless count aside and strides murderously towards the Trix Rabbit...
THE FINAL VOTE
Team Kellogg: 547
Team General Mills: 456
THE WRAP UP
Jay: Trix rabbit is reduced to a jibbering basket case. He falls on the ground, cowering with such pathetic fearful shivering you'd think he was part French.
Pat: The Judge is calling this battle. From the Arena of Khazan, it's Pat Summers...
Jay: ... and Jay Peoples. Stay tuned for the post game show
[The Comic Book Universe Battles]
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