The CBUB Character Database

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Martial Mayhem - Round One!

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Tom and Sylvester vs. Jerry and Tweety

[ DOOM ] [ MAGNUS ]

Matrix vs. Crouching Tiger

THE SCENARIO

 

Team Matrix: Neo, Trinity and Morpheous. Martial arts masters with the reflexes and experience of multiple disciplines... but their combat skills are only useful in a virtural reality enviornment. In the real world their bodies are frail and unused to hard exercise.

Team Tiger: Li Mu Bai, Jen Yu and Yu Shu Lien. Martial arts masters with amazing, almost magical, fighting skills... but their combat skills do not translate into a virtural reality mindset... these are purely physical fighters.

Only in Khazan, the Nexus of all Realities, could we produce such a battle as this. We've plugged Team Matrix's minds into a direct feed with Bio-Robotic(TM) replicas of themselves down in the Arena fighting pit. These robotic replicas have the physical reflexes and abilities to perform any physical move Neo, Trinity or Morpheous could perform in the Matrix. Meanwhile, we've also scattered various fighting weapons around the Arena for any contestant to pick up and use. It's as close as we can come to getting these fighters together in the real world for the fans at home. Join us now in a fight we had to call...

Flow Like River, Crash Like Windows

THE SPORTS BOX

 

TICK:   Welcome fans of acrobatic violence and martial brutality to the newly rebuilt Grand Arena of Khazan! This is the Tick and I am big, blue and darn happy to be here!

BAT:   Hi everybody, I'm the one and only caped crusader, not quite as big, but just as blue. Before we get underway with the chop-sockey proceedings, special thanks must be given to the fine citizens of Khazan Masonry Guild for rebuilding the arena with wondrous speed in just one week. Everything looks so pristine and orderly, it's almost as if their craft masons rewrote reality itself to undo the damage. Now if we only get those Teamsters would quit leaning around by the food trailer, maybe the plumbing would be back in order.

TICK:   Before we get this battle started, I need to explain the layout of the arena for all the people listening to us on the Big "K" KZAN 780 AM radio. The interior of the arena is your traditional bronzer-gladiator movie arena sand. The outer ring is authentic Chinese deciduous forest. So expect action all over the place. And yes... we have all kinds of weapons lying around.

BAT:   Indeed, old chum, many weapons, but not a single Batarang. Those things aren't cheap ya'know. Now let's say hi to our special guest, live in the booth tonight, thanks to a couple of benefactors who wish to remain anonymous, it's the Sensei of Smackdown himself, Bruce Lee!

BRUCE LEE:   Greetings to all. I am thankful for this opportunity to witness such a display of supreme fighting skill among 6 masters. Still, I am puzzled by the attire of my colleagues here. Do you two truly dress like that when locked in mortal combat with evil-doers?

????:   **GONG**

TICK:   Umm... dressed yeah... what about it?

BAT:   Don't anger him man! Remember, even though the New God-Proof Sports Box (TM) can jettison away from the arena if need be, he'll still be in the booth with you. And remember Tick, your durability might not be all it's cracked up to be anymore.

TICK:   Ah... he's fine and I'm in primo shape Bats. While you pound down another bat-burger I'll get the mail.

 

YOUR OPINIONS

 


Cruton writes:

Wow, it's a bunch of fanboy hackers versus people who actually exercise...Hey, that sounds like my lunch period!

I kid, I kid! I kid because I love!

Anywho, I believe this will be a victory of the fellow and foxies from Wudan. This is because of four factors:

1) Despite having robotic bodies to suppliment their "matrix" abilities, Neo and haxors aren't at full power. Remember, Neo's ability is not to raise limits, but to forget they're there and start godmodding. They can only go as hard as the robotic bodies will let them.

2)I assume the haxors will be breaking out the firearms. This will not matter, though, because it was shown at the end of the film that Li Mu Bi can deflect high-speed projectiles.

3) The Green Destiny can chop through anything. I mean, steel walls, tall buildings, blocks of gouda cheese, it's invincible.

4) I have a crush on Michael Yo. You really think I'd vote against her?


Bakan writes:

Hmmm.... Matrix vs. Limping Tiger and Visible Tiger, opps, did I say that wrong. First, EVERY MARTIAL ART and WEAPON known to man are in the minds of the Matrix people. Within the Matrix, they are faster, stronger, smarter, and are much cooler in their black clothes. Tiger's, some bad subtitling, cheasy clothing, and lame weapons, oh yeah, dullard fights. Gotta go with the guns spewing hot lead all over the place.

This is how I see the fight going.

Step 1.) Everyone enters ring.

Tigers: "AHHHHHHH!!"

Step 2.) Matrix people pull out various guns of choice.

Step 3.) Matrix people fire.

Matrix: "Dodge this."

Step 4.) Some bullets are reflected, but between the combined power of Ingams, Berretas, Shotguns, and other automatic weapons, the Tigers are reduced to bloody piles of goo on the ground.

Matrix: "I am the one."

Step 5.) Matrix do fancy dodges to dodge any stray bullet reflected back to them.

Step 6.) Matrix put on their cool sunglasses and walk off.


Dark Queen writes:

Let's face it, Matrix will probably win on account that most of the people voting probably can't even read the CTHD dialouge on the screen. Never the less, here is my analysis:

It may be difficult a match for both teams if they do not know the other teams fighting style. After all, it is hard to defend against an attack if you are unfamiliar with it.

Crouching Tiger may win, depending on how many fighting skills the Matrix crew has downloaded into their brains. If they have quite a few then they may stand a chance.

Besides, the people in CTHD practically fly. Well, glide anyways. Not even the Matrix gang can load that into their brains.

My vote goes to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Snootchi Bootchies!


Charagon writes:

In a match like this it all comes down to who can bend the laws of physics the most and Matrix fighters can do that.

CTHD fighters may be insanely skilled to the point of being able to leap off of air molecules but they are outmatched in strength and speed.

Then if you factor in modern guns I'd say the Matrix has this one in the bag.


MusclesC writes:

The people from Crouching Tiger were way better than the people from the Matrix. One thing, they will have their skills in either universe. The people from the Matrix won't be able to jump around like that in the real world. Since the Crouching Tiger team are all true martial artists, they will be able to use their minds to do all that stuff if their brains are hooked up to the Matrix. Mind and body are suppose to work together, and since it'll be just the mind, all hell will break loose. Besides, there is a good chance that when all the martial arts info Neo and the others were having downloaded into their brains, there was a computer glitch, screwing up the info. I admit there was more action in the Matrix, but the quality of the martial arts action was better in Crouching Tiger.


Nitmo writes:

Hey, they can actually fly in 'The Matrix'. I haven't seen any of that in 'Crouching Stagehand, Hidden Wires'.


charysa writes:

This battle really isn't fair, especially if the weapons that are scattered around the arena are guns. I doubt any of the CTHD fighters even know how the really old guns of the 18th century work, much less the machine guns of the 21st century. And once any of the Matix'ers open up fire, no amount of gravity-defying martial arts would save the CTHD team.

On the other hand, if by weapons you mean the classic types like swords, bow & arrows, spears, etc. then the CTHD would definitely have the upper hand due to their familiarity with such weapons. Since the Matrix'ers spend their time in a 20th century VR world, I doubt their training included any serious sword or crude-weapon work. Guns are much more efficient and less of a sign proclaiming that "I'm not what I seem! Come get me Agents!"

Without weapons altogether, though, things would become much more even. Both teams have two "older" more experienced fighters and one young, arrogant, and very talented youngster. And both can do some really reality-defying moves.

I voted for CTHD for two reasons:

1. Trinity is basically the stereotypical 'girlfriend of the hero'. The two ladies in CTHD have much more attitude and status in the show. And as Rudyard Kipling once wrote, "the female of the species is much deadlier than the male."

2. In terms of strength of media, Chinese martial arts movies and TV series' have been around since forever. And they've been actually practicing it for thousands of years beyond that. Hollywood, OTOH, have only discovered kung fu flicks in the last couple of decades, many of which were really really bad. Thus, I go with the movie that knows what it's talking about, martial arts-wise.


The Mad Hatter writes:

In the real world, Team Matrix would be toast. But they get to be their virtual selfs. And in the words on the Toughest Man on the Planet Mr.T, "Those Crouching suckas is dead meat, foo!"

Now, i'll admit, the Crouching Tiggers have some pretty impressive moves, but all they know is Kung-Fu. Team Matrix knows any type of martial arts they want. And if you think that Kung-Fu is the most deadly martial art in the World, just read the words of my former sensei, "Kung-Fu is pretty, but Karate is deadly." Now I don't know about you, but I take the words of an eighth degree black belt over some yahoo's.

And then there's the weapons factor. If there are guns, Team Matrix definately has the advantage. I doubt the Crouching Tiggers know what a gun is, much less know how to use one. But if there are no guns, i'm sorry, but Team Matrix still has the advantage. They could just use Ninjutsu which is the way of the ninja, who are WEAPONS MASTERS. And not only that, they specialize in keeping as quiet as a mouse when sneaking around. So a Team Matrix member could just as easily sneak up on a Crouching Tigger before one of those Tiggers had time to react. And i'll admit, a Kung-Fu master is bad ass, but a Ninja could take one. They're pretty evenly matched when it comes to swords but once a Crouching Tigger finds a ninja star jammed in their neck, the swords will be of no significance.

And let's say they forget weapons and go straight up hand-to-hand. Well let's see, Team Matrix will just use Jiu-Jitsu and have all three of them on the ground in five seconds. And if you want to talk striking and no holds, Aikido outclasses Kung-Fu most definately.

So in conclusion, whatever the Tiggers can do, Team Matrix will top it and make them pay for it. Team Matrix in less than a minute.


The Daemon writes:

Okay the only guy that had any really nifty powers for the Matrix gang was Neo...and only then he had to die before he could do the slow mo dodgy thingy...but he doesn't get that now does he?

the pretty much got mulched in a fight with the agents.

the only one that fought with any effectiveness against and agent was again neo.

In CTHD we see that Yu Shu Lien is well versed in the usage of many weapons. As displayed by her fight against Jen. She was evenly matched with ordinary weaponry against Jen who was armed with the Green Dragon Destiny Sword.

Jen beat the snot out of a whole inn full of well accomplished martial artists without the use of the sword showing she too knows how to fight.

Li Mu Bai beat a green destiny armed Jen with a friggin stick.

Li Mu Bai is clearly superior to Jen.

All three acomplished feats of skill that would make the agents wet themselves.

Namely Li Mu Bai blocking/deflecting a couple hundrend poison darts darts shot at him from less than 10 feet away, within the span of a few seconds.

I would say thats alot faster than a bullet.

Li Mu Bai can easily mulch an agent of three on his own.

Neo'll go down hard.

and after Neo goes down....it's all downhill from there for the Matrix team.

because if Jen and Yu Shen can't defeat Morpheous or Trinity all they have to do is stalement them until Li Mu Bai shows up to double team them.


Devilgod writes:

are you kidding?Matrix will beat the hidden cat crap out of them and have new dragon skinned boots when they're finished.Crouching kitten might have that moon jump stuff but do they have super cool sunglasses,nope.and the main bad guy in matrix stared in prissila gueen of the desert,so neo's not afraid of anything.nuff said.


Jaegermeister writes:

Okay, as cool as Team Matrix would be with all their programmed skills, and knowledge of ancient and modern weaponry, they still know only what they know from the programs. Otherwords, their skills are all textbook learned and chipped in. Team Tiger has faced many different opponents and have learned the valuable skill of improvisation. Just like playing versus a computer, sure, the AI of a fighting game is tough, but they can't handle the improvisation and random ingenuity of a human mind.

Physical prowess may give Team Matrix an edge as their physical bodies are stronger and tougher than the norm, but strength doesn't always win battles, hence why martial arts were created. We all know of the story of the ancient, wizened master beating the snot out of the young tough guy. Why? It's not always about power.

Team Matrix is good, but it'll end up with Morpheous and the babe getting taken out first, while Neo is busy figuring out how Team Tiger can do, what they do. (For Christ's sakes, we're talking Keanu Reeves here. Remember Bill & Ted? No way is Chow Yun Fat gonna get aced out by an idiot, Californian metal head.) Team Tiger is the sure choice.


Extant writes:

Close, but you gotta call it for team matrix cos of the punishment they can take. You wouldn't see the crouching tiger crew take the sort of damage Neo received from Agent Smith and then get up and run half-way across town avoiding agent's bullets. Sure Trinity might go down, and Morpheus maybe, but Neo will juggernaut his way through those floating fighters.


DarthVegita writes:

Neo, Morpheus, and Trinity may have every form of martial arts plugged into their heads, but that doesn't take the place of actual BATTLE EXPERIENCE. The Matrix gang, sans Neo of course, run away from anything remotely powerful, the Agents. They are used spanking cops who couldn't hit paraplegic on a good day.

Li Mu Bai, Yu Shu Lien and, to a lesser extent, Jen Yu all have experience fighting HIGHLY skilled warriors. Li Mu Bai in particular, would take all three of them with no problem.

As far as I can see it, the CTHD bunch are more peace oriented, so if Team Matrix took the initiative they might pull off a victory. But given a chance to show off their MAD SKILLZ, Neo would only manage to get off a 'whoa' before getting his ass handed to him.


Rodlyman writes:

Remember in the Highlander (there was only one movie... there was ONLY ONE! ARGGGGHHHHH)... where that crazy military survivalist guy came running out of his Firebird with an Uzi and shot the Kurgen in the stomach.

I still laugh because as he's running from trashcan to trashcan he's muttering "Okay Marine, this is it... move it! GO GO GO!" Sometimes I do this as I leap from my cubicle and make a mad dash towards the coffee machine in the breakroom.

The cool thing is, this paranoid, slightly balding guy took down an immortal with nothing more than a gun notoriously known for it's jams and lock-ups. Sure, of COURSE the Kurgen got up and rammed his sword into crazy-guys stomach.

Put another way: Imagine me rolling out of my cubicle, pausing briefly at the fake-potted-plant-corner (tm), then making a mad dash past the receptionist desk into the breakroom, where I bowl over the HR lady and steal the coffee. In this scenario the HR lady has no way to defend against my speed and size.

THIS is exactly the same thing as someone who is holding a sword (even the Green Destiny) has no way to defend against someone holding 2 9mm hand guns.

NEO wins.

To go back to the Highlander analogy (from which *all* knowledge is gained) the Kurgen is like the HR lady who stands up and then has me fired. But since the CTHD cast has no way to kick Neo out of his job, this doesn't really apply.

NOW if we're talking no guns, just a straight fight... the Dragon Cast kicks ass. I don't care what routines Neo had downloaded into his head (soft storage hard drive = brain) he's not going to have the Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon moves. Those moves simply ARE NOT ON THE WEB.

Go to www.search.com and type in +"Walking" +"On trees" +"While fighting" into the search query box. You will not find anything. trust me. In fact, if you do that, the first result that comes back is for some record company called "Thumbs up records." Yeah, fight with THAT style, Neo.

--Rodlyman


Will writes:

They're not fighting in VR.

Here's how it goes...

Liu Mu Bai moves up to Neo and takes a swing at him with his Cool Oriental Sword (TM). Neo smirks confidently and goes 'Bullet Time' to dodge the blow easily.

'Oh, crap.' He thinks, as the discovery that there's no 'Bullet Time' outside of VR costs his 'droid an arm.

Remeaining calm - after all, it's not actually his arm - he leaps in to an extremely fance triple-spinning foundhouse kick which should decapitate his opponent.

Liu Mu Bai blocks. With his Cool Oriental Sword (TM).

Lacking one leg, Neo's 'droid crashes to the ground. In the last moment before decapitation he's surprised to discover he's the last of his team standing, as the other two met, respectively, the Green Destiny and TWO Cool Oriental Swords (TM).

After such a short and bland fight - 'droids don't bleed - the audience is angry. There's a massive riot, and only the early return of Callisto and Magneto from their Hawaian beach honeymoon calms it down. Between them they contain the situation, before getting back to running Kazan and breeding lots of little Mutant Gods.


superbadger writes:

Well I have never seen Crouching Tiger...Dragon but I have seen part of the Matrix

Automatic point for Tiger-Dragon.

In the last issue I voted against the X-Men character on the bad movie theory. It goes the same here.

Let's explain this as bad as I thought X-Men and Phantom Menace (was that an alternate universe for Star Wars or something) I actually forced myself to watch those two movies in their entirety.

The Matrix however I could only watch for 30 minutes. I left extremely confused as to what the hell I was watching.

I have come a long way from the after-effects of those 30 minutes. The voice inside my head no longer tells me to gouge out my eyes to stop the suffering of the memory of the Matrix. I guess I will just have to deal with the permanent insanity, however.

Of course, the Matrix might pull this one out. I suspect their opponents will watch the Matrix to better learn the techniques of their opponents. They reaction to this awful waste of video cassette will probably be foaming at the mouth and slitting their wrist with their own swords. So, in effect I'm pulling for Tiger-Dragon. But, expecting a Matrix win by default (thanks to mass suicide by Tiger-Dragon cast from after-effects of Matrix viewing).


R-ko writes:

Point: Swords are much nobler weapons than guns.

I mean, you don't see politicians back then argue back and forth about sword-control 'cause some kids took a blade to school and started hacking their classmates with them.

Point: Real life is much more reliable and powerful than virtual.

...as shown to me when my computer crashed last week...repeatedly. (*stupidcomputer*) And even afterwards, it took sooo long to reset all my preferences 'cause real life kept getting in the way.

Point: Ancient China is a much better place to be than the Matrix.

If Crouching Tiger is real, I doubt history and the present would be any different. On the other hand, I would so not want to live in a world like the matrix...inside or out.

Point: I'm biased.

Oh, and like nobody else is. Crouching Tiger wins because at least it was something new out of Hollywood...or was it even out of Hollywood...whatever.


T-1000 writes:

Let me see here. Both fighters defy gravity, both can completely screw with the laws of physics, and both can move faster than the eye can see.

However, there is still ground for plausible analysis.

Let me see, the Matrix warriors, with the exception of Neo, have the advantage of experiance. I mean yes, all of the Crouching Tiger warriors have been in multiple battles, but the Matrix team have fought the Agents, warrior who by definition, are far stronger and faster than human limits.

Also, the simple fact is that Matrix fighters are faster and stronger than ordinary humans do to the fact that their strength is reflective off their concentration and mental beliefs. In other words, if they know, in their own minds, that they are stronger and faste than the Crouching Tiger team, they are. Technically, all they need is some motivaitonal techniques and they are set to go.

Plus, we all remember the classic scene in which Neo was able to move faster than speeding bullets, literally. And to top it off, the fact is that in the end of the Matrix, Neo had figured out how to be stronger and faster than an Agent with one hand. Such speed and strength is indicatvie of how easily he will be able to defeat the Crouching Tiger.

Of course, this whole thing is dependant on who grabs weapons first. Naturally, the Crouching Tiger team is hopeless against Trinity carrying an automatic weapon, but give anyone from the Crouching Tiger team the Jade Destiney(or whatever that one sword was called) and the Matrix robots are in a lot of trouble, execpt for Neo.

So in conclusion, the Neo robot is the only person that I expect to come out of this alive. As for everyone, they will be happy to know that I have already taken care of the funeral arrangements.


baxter writes:

what the HELL!!!!! crouching tiger losing to the matrix?!?!? whats going on in the world! can neo ( or like who I like to call "duh.") fly? is he a master of wuden martial arts? does he weild on one of the greatest weapons ever? NO!!!!!!!! all he has is a retarded trench coat to make people forget hes a complete moron and loser. the matrix is THE most OVERREATED movie EVER "oh! he can stand still in the air!" big deal against a fighter whom can fly, uh is far superior warrior, and killed jade fox. fore gods sakes! the guard can cream him! and WHAT WILL HE DO? get bill and that stupid phone booth to bail his ass?


Zelda writes:

Boy ,this is a tough 1! The Tigers are just gonna deflect all the bullets the Matrix fellas shoot at them! But in the end I think Matrix will win, cause they have leather jackets nd they've got raybans. I think the final blow will come when the Tigers trip over their robes.


AngelusJC writes:

Lets match up the warriors and see who comes out on top.

Neo:Got his ass kicked in a kung fu battle against Morpheus and Agent Smith, took the entire movie to learn to fly. Killed but came back.

Li Mu Bai:Greatest Chinese Warrior, kicked any ass he fought, could fly and skip ponds and bamboo trees. Killed by needle

Edge: Even

Trinity: Aside from wearing form fitting pleather, hasn't really defeated anyone except expendable swat team members.

Shu Lien:Fought Jen to a standstill using weapons and the Amazon's Multi Jab from Diablo 2 TM. Deflected hundreds of tiny poison needles shot at her.

Edge: Shu Lien

Morpheus:Can break out of steel cuffs, captains a ship, knows kung fu, taught Neo but got captured.

Jen:kicked the collective asses of a small army of warriors, kicked the asses of some bandits, surpassed her master.

Edge: Jen

Looks like Crouching Tiger triumphs over the Matrix in their quest to take out their Rage TM. over gettin screwed at the Oscars.


Whyteknight writes:

Team Matrix takes this one with ease. Why, you ask? Simple.

Halfway through the fight, or possibly at the very beginning, that little girl is gonna take Li's sword and go AWOL. Don' t ask why, its just in her nature.

Li's focus will then dramaticly shift as he chases her around the ring in a true samurai-bunny-hop-of-doom fashion, uttering all kinds of unspeakable curses that, fortunately, the kiddies in the audience won't be able to understand, since they are in Chinese. Team Matrix takes this opportunity, being the tight knit group they are, to gang up in Li's girlfriend and pound her into the asphault.

Naturally, when Li finally catches the theif, she will be less than willing to return his sword. The fight will be short and brutal, as Li takes out his aggression from having to die before he could get any nookie in the movie on the unfortunate Yu. She will be utterly destroyed. Mothers will avert their childrens' eyes from the carnage. Dogs will whimper. Grown men will cry.

This leaves Li Mu Bai to go solo against team Matrix. Neo will approach him calmly, and hold up a spoon. This is the beginning of the end for poor Li. Perplexed by the infamous "There is no spoon" routine, he will stand, dazed, while Morpheus sneaks up behind him and brains him with a shovel.

The End. And Morpheus has dibs on the sword.


Ghost writes:

Yes! This is the fight I've been waiting for! I'm not sure, but I think I actually posted this fight-suggestion to WWWF a while ago (of course, I would have posted it to you guys if I only knew how).

So, let's break this down, but first we'll have a comment from an expert in the field. Mr Miyagi, what we have here are six of the most dangerous, non-Anime martial artist ever to exist. What do you say?

Mr M: "Mr Miyagi say Darth Maul-san spanks all of them."

Eh, okay. Anyway, here's my take on this.

First of all, Neo cannot use his Chosen One powers in this fight, which is good. Should he somehow manage to reprogram the Bio-droid, giving it Hulk-level strength, Li Mu Bai should at least be allowed to use his Green Destiny sword, aka the I'm-A-Metal-Sword-But-Can-Do-Anything-A-Lightsaber-Can sword. One thing to keep in mind is that Team Matrix can jump way higher and longer, but Team Tiger can actually fly, or at least float in the air.

The fighters are dropped onto the arena. Weapons are scattered everywhere. Jen decides to ignore them and goes in for some hand-to-hand with Neo. She's trying to make Lo jealous, you see ;) Now, Jen is good (you have to be to beat up an entire hotel full of angry Chinese dudes) but Neo has an advantage in size, strength, and in some cases speed (when fighting normally, Jen is faster then Neo, but when the dude starts to focus we are talking out-of-this-world speed!). Thus he begins to teach Jen exactly how good you can get by having all the world's martial arts downloaded into you brain.

Yu Shu Lien and Trinity also starts to fight. Trinity is obviously the worst fighter in Team Matrix, and Shu Lien is vastly superior. She picks up a darn dao-sword, almost identical to her own. Trinity realises that she needs to keep away from this opponent, and picks up a naginata, giving her the longer reach. Shu Lien decides to even it out by using her special Wudan technique to split her darn dao into TWO darn daos. Then they start fighting.

Li Mu Bai approaches Morpheus. Have anyone besides me noticed how similar these two are? I mean, Morpheus is black and Li Mu Bai is Chinese, but otherwise there aren't that many differences. Anyway, Li Mu Bai picks up a standard Chinese sword while Morpheus arms himself with the scimitar belonging to Ardeth Bay from The Mummy-movies. They start exchanging blows.

Back to Yu Shu Lien and Trinity. Shu Lien grows tired of playing around and cuts Trinity's naginata into firewood. Trinity wheels away from Shu Lien, picks up one of Rafael's sais and throws it at her. Shu Lien catches the sai with ease, throwing it back again. The sai hits Trinity straight in the chest and she is out of the fight.

When Neo notices that his loved one is hurt he stops humiliating Jen and head-buts her hard, whereafter he breaks both her legs. She too is now out. Neo grabs Duncan McLeod's katana with the intent of teaching Yu Shu Lien a lesson.

Meanwhile, Li Mu Bai manages to use his Vulcan Nerve Pinch (tm) to paralyse Morpheus. He then simply tips Morpheus over and breaks his back with his feet while screaming in a high-pitched voice and doing funny faces, just like Bruce Lee. He turns around to help his girlfriend out. He is too late, however. Shu Lien just had the blade of McLeod run through her stomach. As the medics carry her away, Li Mu Bai looks onto Neo with the Rage(tm) burning in his eyes. He reaches inside that pyjama of his and rips out the Green Destiny, which he somehow managed to smuggle into the fight when the judge weren't looking.

Neo realises that he has to do something, and picks up Xena's chackram, which he hurls at Li Mu Bai. The Chinese warrior merely catches it in his left hand and throws it to the ground. Neo tries once more, this time with that S-shapes twirly thing Blade used to decapitate vampires. Li Mu Bai cuts it in two pieces with his word. He reaches Neo and chops the katana's blade off with one blow. Neo falls back and grabs the first, best weapon he can get his hands on. It just happens to be the Excalibur!

And now these blades, two of the most powerful you can get your hands on, meet in the air! There is a flash of light as bright as the sun, and thunder rings throughout the arena! And when the light fades away


Little Bee Fly writes:

The matrix has got to win. I mean, its big and sparkly and is assosciated with the Transformers, so as soon as its in danger, a whole ass load of autobots will come crashing down on those crouching tiger pansies


Evil_Majin_Me writes:

Gosh darn overrated movie, and I am referring to the Matrix.

And besides, Chow-Yun-Fat is infinitely sexier than Neo is. =D


M.O.B.(-Man Of Battle-) writes:

This whole battle seems to dictate the two classic conflicts of Magic vs Science or Sorcery vs Technology. If that is the case then it will be impossible to say who could win because, like two magnets will the same power north and north they repel. Magic and Science is just like that.They both use the same power and that is energy. I say that this match should end in a tie.

 

THE BATTLE

 

BAT:   ...and you'd be damn hungry too if you I hadn't lost the Bat-bong before you got a chance to borrow it! Oh, hey, we're back on! *Ahem*. Fine comments from our loyal viewers. I get the impression that Keanu Reeves won't be winning any Viewers Choice awards from this lot.

TICK:   As the combatants enter the arena, a quick review of the rules. The object of this battle is to subdue the opponents via some method of grim violence OR to place a sticker of Callisto on the forehead of the opponent. Easy.

BAT:   The Chime sounds and they go! Neo and Li Mu Bai leap both super leap to the center of the sand pit. Roundhouse from Li, Neo ducks, tries foot sweep but Li gracefully sails over him. Now there's just a blur of limbs as they parry each other's punches and kicks, what Speed!

TICK:   Everybody else is content to let these two battle in the center. Shu Lien has disappeared into the forest ring. Trinity, Morpheous and Jen have scattered about looking for weapons.

BAT:   Neo and Li are still deadlocked move for expert move. The fight is hard to see, as they're kicking up sand everywhere like fleeing Taliban pickup trucks.

TICK:   Heh... So Mr. Lee what's your take on all the Hai-Karate Lo Mein strategy? Things change much since you've been dead?

BRUCE LEE:   Walking the paths of the other realm, I have learned much, and yet, I have much to learn. But the fight itself, remains as constant as the wind. As the sky. As the sea. The fight is all. Be the fight, my friend, and you shall be one.

????:   **GONG**

BAT:   Who rang that? Anyway, in the forest section Trinity has grabbed up a pair of deadly sais. She's running off in Jen's direction. It seems the little princess is rummaging through a cache of weapons. She's already tossed aside a chakram and a star-spangled shield, what on Earth could she be looking for?

TICK:   Back to the center ring where the dust is clearing a bit. Neo is rapidly altering his forms of attack: punching, kicking, jumping, feinting and screaming. He's on overdrive. Li is trying to compensate but he can't. Neo takes advantage of moment and rabbit punches Li for several strikes.

BAT:   Li Mu Bai quickly steps back from the barrage, hands raised before him in defensive stance. He's gotta be thinking about a new strategy right about now. From that stern expression, I think he's slightly impressed.

TICK:   Morpheous seems to be working at something on the ground. Shu Lien has appeared in the trees near him. She's leaping at him. What's he so pre-occupied with?

BAT:   Morpheous spins around, and he's got a flame thrower! It was hidden under his trench coat. A plume of fiery doom is rising towards Shu as she descends...

TICK:   WAAA? Shu Lien is slowing down! She landed on the flames! NO WAY! Now she's running down the jet of flame. She just kicked Morpheous in the head! Morph is driven back. He stumbles back and is down.

BAT:   He's flat on his ass, as he spies a smoke bomb laying just within reach. Morph slams it to the ground, now he's scrambling away like a thief in the night as the gray smoke envelopes the area. The gods have smiled on Morpheous this day.

TICK:   Hey, what's going on with Jen and Trinity? Last I remember Trinity had pointy things and Jen didn't.

BAT:   What a sight this is, Jen is all contorted, holding herself up with one hand, her quick feet and legs to disrupt Trin's swipes, and using her other hand to feel around the weapons box'o weapons. Truly an truly awe-inspiring display of flexibility.

TICK:   Jen's eyes have flashed with recognition. She kicks Trinity out of the way as she rights herself back up. Its the Green Destiny. She must have sensed it in that cache. Now Jen is devoting her full attention to Trinity. Bruce, your take on the Green Destiny?

BRUCE LEE:   Ah yes, an elegant weapon, from a more civilized age.

BAT:   Very interesting...waitasecond, I've heard that before. George Lucas is gonna sue somebody's ass.

BRUCE LEE:   Umm...I mean, the sword itself poses the great riddle of steel. For what is a sword compared to the arm that wields it?

TICK:   Oh great, now you're treading in Oliver Stone's territory. Did you do anything in the afterlife besides watch movies?

BRUCE LEE:   I see...it is all but a mask hiding the true wisdom of the Green Destiny, for it is meant to float like a butterfly, and sting like a bee.

BAT:   You stole that from Mohammed Ali! For God's sake man, the truth is that you don't know anything about the Green Destiny, do you?

BRUCE LEE:   You must understand, the truth is a river, God is the mouth of the river...

????:   **GONG**

TICK:   G'kar now?? Anyway back to the action. Jen is dicing Trinity fiercely. She looks like a sushi chef operating on an open grill. Its looking bleak for Trinity. What's Neo doing? His lady is darn near shish-kabobbed!

BAT:   I don't think Neo realizes the danger, he has to focus all his on attention relentlessly assailing Li, trying exploit a weakness in the Wudan defense. But so far there isn't one.

TICK:   Trinity is disarmed totally and in major trouble. She's prone and scampering backwards grabbing at anything to aid her.

BAT:   Jen floats toward Trinity, overhand slash, Trin rolls out of the way at the last second! She springs to her feet. She's got a Colt .45! She fires, Jen blocks the bullet with the Destiny! Trin keeps shooting, keeping her foe at bay.

TICK:   Jen is blocking the bullets with the sword. She is directing the ricochets at Morpheous. Morpheous is struck in the leg with a bullet! Some sort of important fluid is escaping his leg post haste!

BAT:   *Click Click* Sounds like somebody is out of ammo. GINSU CHOP! Trinity's gun just got bi-sected. Jen lunges forward, Trinity snaps her head back but it's too late, Trin's gotten a Callisto Sticker planted right between the lenses! She's out.

TICK:   Neo has finally realized the situation away from him. Morpheous is in deep kimchee. Neo curses and brakes away from Li Mu Bai.

BAT:   I guess these Dragons float too slowly to be much good in pursuit here. But that hasn't stopped Shu Lien, she's spotted Morpheous limping along, she's closing in on him from behind. She quietly raises a bamboo quarterstaff...

TICK:   Out of nowhere, its Neo! Shu Lien is surprised. Neo grabs her and brutally judo throws her at the plexiglass barricade. She hits it hard. Fans rush forward to see the action close up.

BAT:   Neo jumps up into the trees. He's bounding off them from side to side as he tries to cut off Jen, who is making a run at Morpheous.

TICK:   Back to Morpheous, he soon will also fall to Jen and the Green Destiny. She is arrogantly brandishing her sword, utterly confident in herself. He is too hurt from the bullet wound to move away fast enough. I believe that she's laughing at him.

BAT:   Looks like the Resistance is about to lose a valuable leader. Wait, Morpheous is calmly pulling something form his side pocket, there's a beam of light, it's a phaser pistol! I'm guessing it wasn't set to stun, because Jen's molecules are now one with the wind.

TICK:   What in the Sam Hill?? Alright! Who's the wiseguy who tossed a phasor in with weapons??

BAT:   Hey buddy, I told you that I wasn't giving up Batarangs for this thing, so I had to throw in something else. Now Li Mu Bai is coming in at Morpheous from above. Morph takes aim and tries to light him up.

BRUCE LEE:   Truly amazing, yes, how Li Mu Bai dodges the beams of light. Impossible you say, nothing is impossible for true practioners who devote their souls to the art. The mind makes the impossible possible... And hearing the tendons of Morpheous constricting for each shot helps too... You can hear that right?

????:   **GONG**

TICK:   Who keeps doing that? Bats this guy is spooking me out! Ooh... Its Shu Lien leaping into the air towards Morpheous. She's making look like a third-grader should be able to do it. All these people are freaks!

BAT:   Well maybe you'd be more relaxed if the Bat-Bong weren't MIA. I'm betting one of these sly ninjas made off with it. And I'm gonna...Whoa, there's Neo, rocketing straight up from the bushes to intercept Shu. Will he stop her in time?

TICK:   No he is unable to stop Shu Lien! Shu Lien and Li Mu Bai are converging on Morpheous who is limping away firing the phasor desperately. He won't make it!

BAT:   Shu just broke the quarterstaff over Morph's head! He's out cold. Now she's applying a sticker to his cranium for good measure.

TICK:   Its down to just Neo now. He must eliminate both Li Mu Bai and Shu Lien. We'll see if he has a plan. He better think quick.

BAT:   That boy isn't exactly famous for quick thinking, this could be over soo...hey, where'd he go? He was standing in clear view of our camera a second ago. Li and Shu seem to have also lost him, as they briefly looked at each other. My Bat-Sense tells me that Neo has pulled off the patented ninjitsu vanishing trick. This fight's not over yet.

TICK:   The Tiger duo are opening themselves up to the environment to find the skillfully hidden Neo. There's a hint of nervousness in the air coming from all concerned.

BAT:   They don't see any movement in the trees, no sounds are audible to our mics. The duo is at a complete loss to Neo's location.

TICK:   Both Shu Lien and Li seem to agree on a plan. They use the openness of the sandy middle to aid them. I guess they figure the footsteps on the sand would be easy to see.

BAT:   Ok, they've reached the sand pit. They're starting to fan out, wait, Shu Lien seems stuck, what, there's Neo's hand grabbing her robe from below! She's yanked down, ooh, her head smacked a rock! She looks dazed.

BRUCE LEE:   Ah, soo desu ne. The most ancient and lost art... Sand-Fu. One so skillfully trained becomes one with sand. Sand is like the water of the still pond. He is truly a master of all arts.

????:   **GONG**

TICK:   Man this dude Neo is incredible. Who would a thunk it, its Vulcan-neck-pinch-do. Li Mu Bai turns around too late to see its ritual administering. Shu Lien is off to dreamland.

BAT:   Now it's down to just Neo and Li Mu Bai. The crowd is so hushed as the warriors prepare for the final round of combat.

TICK:   Li Mu Bai wipes the sweat from glistening noon-time Sun beating down on arena sand. Yet one can sense that all that exists to him is Neo. His focus is locked.

BAT:   Neo takes up the Macchio-patented crane stance.

TICK:   The crowds have fallen silent. The arena sound crew, man I hope it's them, is playing 'The Eye of the Tiger' in the background. Superman and the Hulk playing tug-of-war can't break this tension being displayed before us.

BAT:   Li, determined to avenge his love, unsheathes his Callisto Sticker. A moment of concentration, he charges!

 

THE FINAL VOTE

 

'Nuff Said!

FINAL VOTE:

Matrix: 787

Crouching Tiger: 723

 

THE WRAP UP

 

TICK:   A blur... ITS OVER... Li Mu Bai is stickered. The replay - Neo just kicked the sticker onto the forehead of Li Mu Bai. All he did was tap him, but it was enough... such mastery.

BAT:   Whoa! And so ends this amazing contest of East meets West action. Thanks to all little samurai out there who wrote in this week. On behalf of Bruce Lee and the Tick, this is the Bat, saying good Night.

 

[The Comic Book Universe Battles]


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