It's mad, mad monster mayhem in Khazan Stadium when these two ugly palookas go toe to toe. We've put them in boxer shorts and turned them lose to pummel one another to the roar of a bloodthirsty crowd.
Exploitive? Sure it is. But what else would you expect from the CBUB?
THE SPORTS BOX
PAT: Live from Khazan Stadium we have the battle of the classic movie monsters: Frankenstien VS. the Mummy. These two have a lot in common. They're both big on strength and short on words. Hello and welcome, I'm Pat Summers.
JAY: And I'm Jay Peoples. Man, what a set-up we have here today. In the center of the arena is a large flat-topped pyramid upon which rests the Mummy's sarchophogas and treasures. The Mummy will certainly move to guard them. And there also, in the middle of this shrine, is tied the Bride of Frankenstein. Frank will try to rescue her. The Mummy will advance from one side of the arena while Frank comes from the other. In the middle, they will do glorious battle!
PAT: It's exploitation on a grand scale, Jay. The arena has spared no expense to provoke these two brutes into pounding upon one another. Now let's go Live to our own Sideline Commentator Harlene Quinzelle who has this special report.
Harley Quinn: Hi Pat! Hi Jay! I had a chance to speak with Frankie and Mr. Mummy. When asked how they were feeling about today's fight, both gentlemen replied... "Uuugghhh."
Harley Quinn: Yeah, like that. And I asked some more questions but I kept getting the same answer of, "Uuugghhh." I guess Frankie is a little low in the IQ department while Mr. Mummy is suffering from 3000 years of lock jaw. Well I started to toss some lit matches at them to keep myself busy when they both suddenly screamed like girls and ran away! Go figure. Back to you guys.
JAY: Well, at least she didn't set them on fire.
PAT: Yeah. Great. That's all I need is for her to get me into trouble with Callisto.... Oh, look. The Monster and the Mummy have entered the arena.
JAY: The crowd goes wild as they walk through the gate! It's a beautiful evening for what will surely be a memorable match.
PAT: They're moving towards each other now...
JAY: Rather slowly...
PAT: With their arms expended...
JAY: Oh god, they're slow!!!
PAT: Ya, it's like watching grass grow. Makes you wonder how they captured all those girls they carried around in the movies. Let's go and check the mail while our two contestants make their way across the arena.
Favorite letter of the Week
Both Frankenstienís monster and the mummy are slow, dumb, and strong, but the Frank has the raw power in this match. In comparative strength, Frank has the ability to simply rip apart the Mummyís limbs and unwrap the undead creature. In intelligence, Frank has proven to be somewhat smart. He's given a "Arggh" here, and a "Raoruhhh" there, along with some other words that are a bit more intelligent. Frankenstien could probably find a way to sneak up on him. Next is speed. The mummy maintains .5 past the speed of snail, while Frankie has been known to approach the speed of turtle.
Robotech Master writes:
A pile of bones and toilet paper vs. a destructive monster with a ferocious attitude. Hmm, I think Frankie will come out the victor in this one. Both are relatively as dumb as the average hippo, but at least Frankie proved that he had some brains in some of the other Frankenstein movies. He has the untamed power and strength in this battle. Frankie will use his brains(at least what he has) to catch mummy off guard and rip that wrapped up ragdoll into harmless pieces.
Once again it comes down to sames and differences I mean hey there both DEAD they both have a weakness against fire, and hot chicks there both big, dumb, and yes of course slow although if Frank gets womped on majorly he can kill someone and get a new limb or stitch himself up ya know what Iím sayin' So my money goes on the one and only Frankenstein Monster.
Oh c'mon! Do you really expect this to be a match at all? I mean sure maybe the Mummy has taken out a few scared British archeologists, but Frankenstein has the sheer power. And he's taken on such heavy hitters as Dracula and the Wolfman. The man has the strength and the experience. No contest here.
Come on! 2 dead freaks? My birthdayís coming up on Halloween, and this is what I get? I have to say one thing. Frankenstein. Brains. Big. scares the shit out of people. Nice stride. Big neck metal thingie that stick out of his neck. Makes him look cool. Now, the Fag, otherwise known as the mummy. Um, thought to have a curse, but we don't know that do we? For all I care, he is some rich Egyptian king who decided to wrap himself up for some strange reason. He walks funny, and stumbles around like a drunk. He might as well accidentally bump into a wall in his pyramid, knock down a torch and burn himself to death. May Frankenstien Kick His Ass.
After using my OUIJA board to consult Boris Karloff, we decided that ultimately The Mummy would defeat The Monster
In this corner... THE MONSTER, well actually to be precise he's a golem. He has the strength of a big burly man. The height and reach of a padded out Boris Karloff. Lastly, his Abbey Normal brain gives him limited awareness and presence. Essentially he's a re-animated brute. His main weakness is a healthy fear of fire.
In the opposite corner, hopefully guarding a crypt or something (if not, this fight will be a real non-event) is Imhotep...aka "The Mummy". He possesses supernatural strength. He has a freaky, mystic awareness of his surroundings. A creeping and somewhat crafty intelligence. He, surprisingly, also has the height and reach of a padded Boris Karloff. Finally, his major weakness (aside from being slow) is that his entire reason to exist is for the sake of being a guardian. If Frank don't piss him off, Mumster won't fight.
So I see the combat akin to a battle between speed and strength. Yes! 'Sugar Ray Frank' vs. George "The Mummy" Foreman. This is wherein the problem lies. The Frankster possesses not the knowledge on how to "float like a butterfly and sting like a bee", even if he did he really doesn't have any happy feet to speak of here. If Frank rambles in he will be bludgeoned repeatedly by a ticked off and far stronger Imhotep. Frank's only hope is to grab a torch and burn the Mummy, but alas he fears fire... to bad Frank.
Noel Schornhorst writes:
Frank'll win. I mean, look at the guy. He's been in more movies than the mummy and he's like, twice as big. Also when the mummy walks, he's limping and all contorted and stuff. Frankie has the reach and the strength factor going. Mummy's all dried out and pretty brittle in comparison, but on the mummy's plus side, he does have eras more experience than Frank, and is dusty enough to make Mr. Stein (not Ben) sneeze like the dickens (not Charles). Still, Frankenstein will preserver. After all, he's survived Abbot and Costello (not Elvis Costello), "Frankenstein vs. the Aztec Mummy," and that lousy Kenneth Branaugh film. And lest we forget "Frankenhooker...." Ick. Not that I've seen those movies. I mean, I couldn't survive 'em, but Frank DID. Mummy would crumble to dust after just 10 minutes of one of them. Frank can take anything Mummy can dish out and more. My mummy can beat your mummy (someone had to say it).
Arthur C. Clarke writes:
The guy I get my handle from used to say that "any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." However, the technology that brought Frankenstien to life isn't all that advanced. The Mummy, on the other hand, seems to have some GENUINE magic. My guess is...Mummy in about two minutes or so.
Lady Alhana Brightblade writes:
The Mummy's gonna win because he's got powers! Far as I know, Frankenstine is only stronger than a normal person. The Mummy has magic, and magic wins over brute strength any old day. Now maybe if it were Frakenstine vs. a Zombie there would be a contest!
Wow! You guys really had me stumped for a minute there. However, I flashed back to Mary Shelly's Frankenstien and knew that he could be the only Victor (pun intended). Frank is alive, smart, learns quickly, and plans well. Hell, DeNiro played the monster in the recent remake! Seen any Mummy remakes lately? 'Nuff Said! ;)
Ya know, I kinda of hate to go this way, but it just seems obvious that Dr. Frankenstien's little boy is gonna tear the dead Egyptian to little dusty bits.
Neither of them are terribly fast, but the Monster is certainly quicker. They're both very strong, but the Mummy has more of a "strangle a really strong guy easily" kind of strength than a "knock down stone walls" kind of strength. The intelligence of both is debatable, but even if the Mummy retains the presumably great intelligence he possessed in life, he seems incapable of using it much in his current state.
I think it's a pretty safe bet that the Egyptology wing is gonna lose an exhibit.
Well, both of our fighters this week are pretty strong for a couple of dead guys, but I gotta go with Frankenstein's Monster on this one. First, he is bigger and stronger, and probably faster than the mummy, and second of all, he was created by a mad scientist! I mean come on! They just donít come any more powerful than that! Plus, I've heard of Basil Rathbone, but I've never heard of that other guy (what was his name?).
Neofelis nebulosa writes:
Frankenstein is slow and clumsy, but he's also hugely strong. He's one of those monsters that can turn people's heads all the way around on their shoulders without even thinking about it. The mummy is also slow and clumsy, but he is also wimpy. Frank would break him into kindling before he even got through cursing the green guy.
The Brain writes:
The Mummy. Why. Mum's has the experience, 5000 years and counting. Frankie only has 80 years tops. The Mummy arose from ancient pharonic rites, and if you've seen Stargate you know Go'uld tech definitely had a role. Ancient starfaring tech vs some nutty European with electricity. No contest
The Spanker of the Four-Year Olds at K-mart writes:
The Mummy may have the creepiness, but Frankenstein makes up for brute strength. Before the Mummy can say a curse(this is going to be hard for him since his mouth is stiff from 3,000 yrs. in a tomb), Frank tears him from limb to limb. If all else fails, he can call in Dr. Frankenstien, the Bride of Frankenstien, and Igor to help him. The Mummy will nonetheless be spanked like a 4-year old at K-mart.
'Lord' Rev. Dr. Paul Soth writes:
Well, congrats on picking a fight that's as old as fandom itself. Nice to see that some people still care about the classics.
Anyway, what it comes down to is just how well the Mummy's body has stood up over the centuries. If it's anything like other movie walking corpse, the moment when Frank's fist hits the Mummy's face, it's going to be quite like the part in Army of Darkness when Henry the Red smashes that one Deadite in slow motion. Yep, lots of teeth, skull fragments, and dust flying everywhere.
Assuming that the Mummy is still able to fight after such a blow, he'll lock his bony talons on Frank's neck in the classic death-grip. But good old Frankie can rip (hell, tear) those arms off, and then slam a fist right down on the Mummy who will then collapse like an endtable in the Munster's house.
And hell, Iím guessing that Frank has none other then Dracula in his corner. And if Frank has trouble, Drac could find a way to rig the fight somehow.
Frankenstein in one round.
This is a really tough one. Frank is a real heavy hitter, but the Mummy is too. The Mummy is really slow, but so is Frank. Both are vulnerable to fire. Both are reanimated corpses. Frank has been known, in some incarnations, to have lightning-based powers, while I have never known the Mummy to have any powers at all. Plus Mums is very combustible, so a good jolt of lightning and he will go up like Florida in the summer. BTW: the monster's name wasn't Frankenstein, the doctor's was. The monster never was given a name.
Not knowing much about either of these two I'm gonna have to give the match to Frank. Why? Because he spawned a really cool breakfast cereal. A real sugary one - like Calvin would eat. That puts him in the same league (sorta) as all those Wheaties guys.
Frank and Mummy go the full 12 but Frank wins in the decision.
Mega Spider Hunter writes:
Frankie all the way people. Frankie is all brawn. And we all know that if Frankie started losing, his doc. would step in. Mummy may have small magical power. Frankie can beat anybody he wants down to a pulp. I'll go with brawn over possible unknown magic powers. Plus, Frankies a heII of a lot cooler than some guy wrapped in toilet paper. I'll take costume over toilet paper anyday. Mummy's gonna get spanked like Angel at Buffy's house.
Sage of Halo writes:
Frank's probably going to win because he's more popular. I mean, Frankenstein is a household name, while the mummy is usually just a generic character. But I have to give it to the mummy because he's magical, while Frankenstein is made from science. Now which would you rather have: Einstein, Galileo, Newton, etc. on your side, or Gandalf, Merlin, Tim, Milamber, Dr. Strange, etc. It's obvious that the latter would beat the crap out of the former, thus the mummy wins by virtue of who's on his team.
Stalemate, plain and simple. At the speed these two move they will either never make it to the match in time or end up in an endless loop as one chases the other around the ring. My suggestion is to try and corner the concessions because the crowd will get mighty hungry waiting for the party to get under way.
The Sandman writes:
Frankenstein Monster will kick Mummified ass tonight. After the match is over, Frank will use the Mummy's rags to roll a cigar and invite Monica over for a party.
The Devil (as written through the hand of Jimmy Delpino) writes:
First of all, Carrie cheated. Secondly, I was sick that day. Now, on this fight, I have to go with Frank. After all, it was my inspiration that caused Dr. Frankenstein to build the little jobroni. I gave him life, and no minion of a little third rate, piddly a$$, dead as hell, false god is going to beat on of my creations. And to ensure his victory, and that the mummy doesn't cheat ( like a certain ms. Carrie White) I will personally be on hand at this fight. And when Frank gets done with that douche-bag eating, a$$-wiping, knob-slobbing, renegade from a band-aid explosion, I am going to find Carrie and beat the living s#!^ out of her. NOBODY CHEATS ME!
Disclaimer: Jimmy Delpino's soul was not harmed during the writing of this letter.
Bella Donna, the diva of darkness writes:
Well ghouls and ghoulinas, I'm proud of you. For months I've been hanging around this little dimension waiting for a fight and at long last you GIVE ME A FIGHT. This is one I can really really sink my teeth into. Boris Karloff vs Boris Karloff. Two of his greatest roles in battle with each other. Tasty tasty tasy. Now ghoulfriends lets get down to boosiness. I have to take a close look at this fight. Now you claim that both creatures are big and dumb? Not so. The Mummy from the classic original Karloff picture was very very intelligent. A cunning and deadly foe that rivaled the Count himself in deadliness. Sure he was slow, but you lay around embalmed in a tomb for 300 years and you'd have cramps too. The way I see it, he'd use his magic powers on the Monster. Casting many kinds of spells to hurt the creature. Might even use*gasp* fire on him. Of course, none of this matters, because as we found out in "Frankenstein vs the Wolfman" The Monster cannot be killed.! He is inhuman, immortal and will never ever die. The Mummy may be more powerful, but Frankie has that "unkillable" thing going for him. So Mummy bring on your spells, your fire and you gruesome bandages, the Monster is going to spank you like a red-headed stepchild. Its all in the pictures, the horror pictures.
Well guys, Although the mummy has a curse and Egyptian magic I think Frankie will win. I mean frank is bigger, stronger, and faster. And he's a lot more scarier, with the more modern adaptations. All of mummy's are still black and white! Only way Mummy can win is if he takes on Mel Brook's version! I can see Frankenstein now ripping his arms off and using him for toilet paper.
First off, who here has read Frankenstein, as in the novel? The monster in that book was not only strong, but quite intelligent. Not always malevolent, but capable of being quite vicious when necessary. Meanwhile, we have the Mummy: an invention of Hollywood.
No contest here, folks. The Mummy's going to get ripped apart.
Lemme see...a soulless monster built from pieces of scavenged corpses, strung together and re-animated by the force of lightning, versus a dusty wrinkly guy wrapped in toilet paper who's older than Grandma's favorite muumuu? C'mon! Frank would have the Mummy ground into dust faster than you can say "Monica Lewinsky is a cheap slut"!
Well, for one thing this battle is gonna take like forever to end because both these guys are slower than Christmas! I mean I could unravel the Mummy before he ever reacted. And Frankenstein's monster? I could replace his brain with a hamster's before he could say "Uhhhrrrnnnn". But since both guys are equally slow, I guess it would be a good fight. Just more boring than a senior golf tournament. Mummy is the living dead while Frankie is the dead living and since the living dead don't die and Frankie was killed by fire, I gotta give it to The Mummy.
Oh, PLEASE! The Mummy had better pray that Franky's allergic to dusty embalmed Egyptian Pharaohs with nasty dispositions. Seriously, the Frankenstein Monster is one of the most kick ass creatures of the night! One clean punch from him will reduce the Mummy to nothing more than a pile of bone and ash.
DamieN Brimstone writes:
I figure the Mummy has the upper hand because he simply a mindless killing machine, while Frankie has that pesky sensitive side to him (remember how nice he was to the little girl.) So while the big lug is picking flowers, the Mummy will ?(very) slowly advance on him and crush his throat, bolts & all.
The Return of the Infinite Goof writes:
Well.... Let's compare these two fine combatants.
- Frankie has brute strength, and an anti social disposition (brought on by years of being chased by rampaging mobs of torch wielding villagers and movie agents, not to mention being forced to work with Gene Wilder in "Young Frankenstein", who stepped all over his lines).
- The Mummy has a two ply bodysuit.
Unless someone tells Frankie "Don't squeeze the Charmin", he's got it all the way.
Mr. Silverback writes:
When preparing a mummy for burial, the ancient Egyptians removed all of the internal organs, storing them in jars for later internment with the dead. While I will grant you that this makes him harder to damage in some ways (it's hard to rupture someone's spleen when they don't have one, for instance), he is also missing his adrenal gland. When was the last time you won a fight without your heart rate increasing? It's a good thing he's already covered with bandages, it'll save time when he gets to the emergency room.
Mr. Seldon writes:
Aw, come on! Frank against Mummy?!? Let's break it down (It's what I live for)
- Pros: Big. Green. Evil Criminal mind transplant. English (ya know how they get when theyíre pissed). Ugly.
- Cons: Stupid. Ugly. English (Only wusses drink tea). Full of spare parts.
- Pros: Big.
- Cons: Slow. Stupid. Keeps himself together with toilet paper. Egyptian. Any smoker can take this guy out. Walks around with his arms sticking out and kinda moans a lot, what scary about that?!?
Wunder Frau writes:
Oooh.. I'd have to say Frankenstein is pretty cool. After all, who doesn't love Boris Karloff? But wait.. the Mummy is Karloff too! Agggh. It's no contest, Karloff wins.
I'm gonna have to give it to Frank, but only because of the circumstances. CBUB is dressing the two in Boxers and letting them go at it. No holds barred right? Well, if we go on the concept of hand holds, grips, and disadvantages, The Mummy is screwed. He's got all these bandages that can be used for leverage, holds, and other inconvenient moves. Now, if it wasn't for the fact that they are holding him together, the Mummy MIGHT be able to use them to strangle Frank. However, the lack of oxygen to Frank's brain wouldn't be anything new, plus those bolts in his neck might help him out in that aspect further. So, a choke hold on Frank would probably be about as effective as convincing him to eat his own head, extremely slim possibility, but not one the Mummy will have time for.
PAT: How's our two fighters doing?
JAY: Uh... they're about half way to the half way mark. Call it a quarter.
PAT: GOD!! They haven't made it to the center of the arena yet!? Okay, what to do now?
JAY: Uh.... Let's go back down on the field to Harlene Quinnzelle.
Harley Quinn: Hi guys! Back so soon... What's up?
PAT: We're waiting for Frank and the Mummy to start ripping into each other. Do you got anything else to help kill time... Dare I ask?
JAY: Hmmmmm... A matter of fact I do!
PAT: What is it? What do you have to report?
Harley Quinn: Well, let me just turn this camera lamp around...
PAT: What is she doing?
Harley Quinn: Say hello to Mr. Bunny Rabbit. Hippity-hop! Hippity-hop!
JAY: I think she's doing shadow puppets, Pat.
PAT: I was afraid of that...
Harley Quinn: Look! It's the Titanic! I'm Unsinkable!! Wait... What's that! Why it's Mr. Iceberg. CRASH! Gurgle, gurgle!
PAT: Say, she's pretty good!
JAY: She did the boat, the ocean waves and the iceberg with just her bare hands!
PAT: Okay, where are the contestants now?
JAY: They're getting there.
PAT: Let's get a close-up on the Bride of Frankenstein there. She must be in a panic.. tied to a pyramid and...
JAY: Nope. She's asleep, Pat.
PAT: Should we go down and push them?
JAY: Wait! We have action!
PAT: Okay... here we go! The monster lunges forward and puts a strangle hold on the Mummy!
JAY: The Mummy responds with a stranglehold of his own! They have each other gripped firmly around the throat!!
PAT: The action is riveting!!
JAY: And they're choking each other now.
PAT: Yeah. Yeah, they're definitely choking each other.
JAY: Yeah. Yeah, choking.
PAT: Folks, this is big choking action we are seeing here today!
JAY: I haven't seen choking like this since.... since....
PAT: Lets go down on the field for a closer view of the action!
Harley Quinn: Looks like they're choking each other, guys. Back to you.
JAY: Wow, and what a choke, huh?
PAT: Yeah. Choke.
PAT: Oh, for the Love of Mike. WHO Came up with this match! GAD!!
JAY: Wait, Pat! It's... It's... Yes!!!
PAT: The Mummy's ratty old head comes free! Frankenstein's monster holds the gruesome trophy up for the world to see!!!
JAY: Yes, folks, this fight is history. Thank goodness.
THE FINAL VOTE
Frankenstein's Monster: 281
The Mummy: 127
THE WRAP UP
PAT: Well, from the Arena of Khazan... This has been Pat Summers.
JAY: And Jay Peoples. Goodnight all.
DISCLAIMER / NOTICE:
Frankenstein (TM) is the property (c) of... is this guy "Public Domain" yet?
The Mummy (TM) is the property (c) of Egypt
This webpage makes no claims and attempts no infringement... this is just for fun.