THE SCENARIO

THE SPORTS BOX

DAMIEN:   Greetings viewers! And thank you for joining our live broadcast from yea' Old Kingdom of Burnshold, located just a stone's throw from the suburbs of Khazan. Me and Justy have thusly returned to bring you this exciting contest. Our fearless foursome of heroes have been setting the town ablaze all week with their carefree shenanigans. We're getting word now that it's just about time for them to receive their briefings and be sent off on their respective ventures.

JUSTICAR:   Greetings everyone, Its great to be back. Yes, the short briefing by the Important Guy in the Tux is completed. It was just your average go out there and kick some booty and make it look good speech. By the way folks, as an aside we have the results of the heroes Quarter's battle and Robin Hood was the last one standing. Lets hear it for Anglo-Saxon endurance.

DAMIEN:   All right, the well-wishing is over and our heroes are underway. We'll be calling the action for you via a video feed supplied by scrying device courtesy of the Khazan Wizard's Guild. We'll follow the highlights of each heroes exploits as they try to perform as much daring-do as possible.

JUSTICAR:   While the heroes fan out into the realms lets peruse the mailbag.

YOUR OPINIONS

Nine writes:

D�Artagnan shows up one hour early and starts eating croissants, wine and cheese when Pirate Roberts arrives. They agree to wait until the appointed time to begin the foray since neither of them is at their peak before breakfast. A comely blonde wench dressed in a flowing green gown rushes up to them and says she brings news from Robin of Loxley and Zorro--that the fight is scheduled for 9pm instead of 9am.

While the two men check their parchment announcements, the lady shatters the wine bottle over Pirate Roberts head and pins D'Artagnan's sword hand to the table with the jagged edge of the bottle. The lady then reaches for a short bow hidden in the bustle of her skirt, loads it with an arrow from her stocking and puts the Fourth Musketeer out of his misery. "Now I can drop this falsetto voice as well as this disguise," Robin Hood says, as he pulls off the wig and hears the distant cathedral bells peal nine chimes.

"Zorro, these two fools were easily duped. Ha! You must get up pretty early to defeat the legendary Robin Hood! I now await you for a duel to the death. Come and fight, you coward!" After his taunts echo, minutes pass and still there is no sign of the masked Mexican. Robin rewards himself with the remaining plate of cheeses and croissants. When he is finished, he considers the two opponents lying limp on their sides; D'Artagnan, with his head facing his beloved land of France, and the Pirate's head facing the open waters of the Atlantic. "Poor old chaps. I better seek the services of Friar Tuck to arrange for a decent burial." As he rises to leave, Robin feels a sudden tightness in his stomach as an anemic fluid dribbles from his mouth and nostrils. The outlaw Robin collapses over the table, strewn out in a diagonal position.

The three corpses, of course, form the letter "Z". **Justy's Pick of the Litter**

CALLEVELAH writes:

I am going to have to cast my vote for THE hombre in black ZORRO, let me tell ya why:
D'atagnon, well, he's French and answers to a king that wears high heels, who's the bigger Sally here huh? Next is the fact that he has his hair curled, all I gotta say about that is "Squeeek like a pig boy!"
Robin Hood, well I must say that he is a good runner up but he is kinda like David Lee Roth and Ozzie Osborne, you know, they surround themselves with a great band but are they really good singers? Robin is ok but is he any good with out the Merry Men?
Wesley the Dread Pirate, Ok guys, the biggest Candy ass of all, first, as all know, he is one of many who have worn the mantle of the dread pirate, he is living off anothers legend. Second we know of but one adventure of his and is hardley matched up against any of his three more esteemed foes. Last, is it really all that impressive to outwit Andre the Giant? And that folks is why ZORRO will take the prize! Zorro has single handedly fought off the Spanish army and liberated California, he has demonstrated accomplished horsemanship, moreso than the others, his fencing is without comparison, and the chicks really dig him, remember what notches the other three have on thier bedposts? Ok ill refresh your memory, Wesley had that Princess Bride and uh... wait a minute... um... yeah, thats it just her. Dartagnon, hmmm, he had that married hussy he fooled about with then she betrayed him (Poor judge of charecter he is) and Robin Hood, yeah he had maid Marion who later poisened him (Another poor judge of charecter) Well that's all folks, as they say in Spanish California Areba andelay andelay eepa!

Borneo Jimmy writes:

The DPR's whole identity is based on the fact that, motivated by his love for Buttercup or whatever her name was, he became the best at everything -- fencing, fighting, trickery, resisting torture, you name it. The Princess Bride firmly establishes Inigo, Fezzik, Vizzini, Count Rugen, etc. as the best in the world at their specialities -- it's a whole novel of superlatives -- and then, once they're so established, the DPR comes along and beats each of them. If Robin Hood stand between him and his love, he'll be a better archer than Robin in no time at all. As for the standard rope-swinging, maiden-rescuing exploits of the other contenders, there's no question -- he'll swash the buckles off those tights-wearing fairies.

Onyx Skylord writes:

Dread Pirate Roberts will kick some major booty. His movie rocked. He almost died and still kicked Humperdink's royal @$$.

Packrat writes:

You know, I was going to vote for Zorro...REALLY I was, but then I remembered something. The Princess Bride was:

1) The first 'GOOD' fantasy movie I had ever seen.

2) The only multimedia ever where that punk kid from 'Wonder Years' came off as okay.

3) Andre the Giants greatest role ever. (WE MISS YOU, ANDRE!)

4) Well...any movie that has Billy Crystal and the woman who also kicked Bill Murrays butt in 'Scrooged' has GOT to win.

The Saint writes:

Well, I gotta say that DP ain't so hot, and welll, D'artanian's French, so they're both out. That leaves the "honorable theif" of England vs the Legend of California. They've both inspired more than their fair share of legends, and ultimately, comic book heroes, so here's the equations:

Zorro = Batman, Nighthawk, etc...
Robin Hood = Green Arrow, Hawkeye, etc...

Now this is impressive, but when you think about it, Batman can pound either Hawkeye and/or Green Arrow back into the Stone Age, so there's no doubt that Zorro can repeat the feat and beat the crap out of the Limey.

Christian writes:

Now, this is an interesting battle and there is a very strong point to be made for all of the contenders.

But I had to go the Dread Pirate Roberts. All these other people had movies, serials, comics, legends, songs whatever else only God knows as well written about them.

And Wesley had one novel and a movie and yet still stands with this August Company.

And fucking Kevin Costner tarnished Robin Hood for me...

Maskim Xuul writes:

Robin Hood is THE original, his exploits dating back into the English medieval ages. D'Artagnian is a few hundred years younger, but still an epic hero. Zorro (as far as I know) is a 1930's pulp hero. Roberts, as cool as he is, is a relative infant and little more than a parody of Robin Hood. My vote goes to the original and the best, the hero based on a man rather than a book, Robin of Locksley.

Zisteau writes:

What? Who will seriously pose a problem to the dread pirate Roberts!!!!!! Or, as the late great Andre the Giant put it, the Dwead Piwut Woberttttssss!!!!! There's absolutely no chance he loses. Its absolutely inconceivable! Inconceivable!!!

Beetle Bomb writes:

Tough one this week. I like 'em all. D'Artigan the Frenchie goes out first on my list, 'cuz he's French. I'm not sure which Zorro you guys are going with, the old ones were bad and the one going home to Catherine Zeta-Jones has my envy, but you guys said they get only a sword of choice. Now, Zorro's bad, but if you're not giving Zorro his whip, then he's out of it. Roberts and Robin Hood are left. I dig Wesley and I know he'll win 'cuz everyone knows him, but my old man raised me on the original Errol Flynn Robin Hood. Errol makes Costner look like a mama's boy who has no rhythm. He was lightning quick, athletic and tireless. My vote's with him. L8.

RealLoneWolf writes:

I must admit, after reading about all the fighters, I honestly felt like Dread Pirate Roberts could win this one. After all, he's stronger then Robin Hood and smarter then Zorro. But I realised he couldn't beat d'Artagnan. Why, you say? After all, isn't he french, a nationality that can never win?

That is where you're mistaken. The French have won many a thing in their existance as a nation. Only a loss at the germans in WW2 scars their record, and losing to the germans is like Lex Luthor losing to Superman: a simple fact of life.

One must look at the track record of d'Artagnan in the king's service to realise this guy has done more then the others ever did.

For one thing, both Robin Hood and Zorro have been plagued with cheap sequel after cheap sequel, with their legend progressivly drained of meaning. And Roberts' only movie appearance simply throws years of sailor's legends about the Dread Pirate out the window. Of all the fighters, only d'Artagnan's legend remains relativly intact. The original novel of his stories has remained almost pristine in purity.

Another accomplishment is lineage. Hood and Zorro have little remaining lineage, and DPR's descendants are lost in history. But in "The Man in the Iron Mask", it's revealed that d'Artagnan is the (il)legitimite father of King Louis 15 and his twin brother. The guy bagged a married queen! How many of the others can say that?

Finally, as we all know, you don't want to mess with an angry scotsman. What does this have to do with the french d'Artagnan? He's from the region of Gascon. And the Gascon are the scots of France!

RealLoneWolf
(You're not cleared to know...)

Firestar Artemis writes:

Wessley is the cutest, and therefore the winner.

Charge Man writes:

Errol Flynn... well, geez, he's been in prison more times than I can count!

SigEp Sam writes:

D.P. Roberts is a good fighter and all but lets look at it closer. The only reason people would vote for D.P. Roberts is because he came for a love story background. When he fought he only beat one Spanish fighter. Thats it...one! Look at Zorro. On a normal day he beats 15 or more Spanish soldiars. Look at that difference! One to fifteen! There is no way that Zorro would lose out!

Quintin, Lord Scott writes:

See, I knew this was going to happen. I just knew it!

I can tell by the votes that Dread Pirate Roberts is going to win because of you people who believe that this little blond haired farmboy could beat the legendary swordsman of California, Zorro. What are you people smoking, eh? Turkey feathers?

Curse you, Dread Pirate Roberts, and your cursed golden locks!

Smeg-head writes:

I can't believe Robin Hood is losing to cheesy characters like Dread-pirate Roberts and Zorro! You young whipper-snappers just don't have any respect for the classics! Well, after that crappo movie and double-crappo t.v. series I can't blame people for being disillusioned...

PoisonPen writes:

This is stupid. I can predict the outome of any battle by looking at the box office receipts of the most recent movie featuring the characters in question. Goddam fanboys...

Who am I? writes:

Geez. This one's really close, but as far as I'm gonna go, it'll come down to Zorro and Dread Pirate Roberts. Even though Westley is TOO cute, Zorro has experience over my boy. Zorro takes the match and I take West--- *ahem* never mind...

Lord of the Pie writes:

Jimeny H. Cricket....this battle...*whew*.

I want to make some good Princess Bride jokes SO friggin bad!

well we all know the Dread Pirate "wesley" will fight, not to the death, but "To the pain"......Frenchie over there looks like that guy from "The Birdcage", doesn't he? And Robin Hood....well, he was always better with a bow or quarterstaff than a blade.

But now we come to the original man in black. Out of the night when the moon is bright rides a horseman known as Zorro. This bold renegade carves a Z with his blade...a Z that stands for Zorro. Zorro...the Fox so cunning and free....Zorro....he carves his mark with a Z.

And when you get right down to it, it's a hexkuva lot easier to slash out one "Z" than it is to slash out "DPR"......so despite acting alongside Billy Crystal, Roberts goes down. Oh, and D'Artanian? What do you think? He's French! He'll surrender at the first sign of bloodhed. They always do :)

Darth Eddie writes:

Hey, Catherine Zeta-Jones is a BABE-O-TRON...what I wouldn't give to be Zorro and out on a hot date with her!

Plus, I'd run my sword through that stupid, nauseating, incredibly annoying Taco Bell chihuahua in a heartbeat -- yo quiero a matarte, estupido perrito.

Oh, sorry for those of you who don't know Spanish: LEARN!

Zorro en un minuto.

Echo_Zero writes:

Okay lets look at the facts. DPRoberts was just looking to get laid he wasn't into freeing slaves and getting money back to the people, get real. Next is Zorro okay he saved some people he work againts evil powers that be but only in limited area of about 4 towns oh! And by the way both of these charaters are handmedowns, Zorro's grandfather was Zorro, The same goes for the Dread Pirate Roberts, who was the original DPR? They are not who they say they are. Robin Hood had to have his Merry men and at yet He was still looking just to get laid and have his house back there was a little bit of loyality but it didn't reach out much farter than the Sherwood Forest. Then we have the forth musketer, D'artanian to whom the entire country of France owes its equality to. When the musketers were almost to be no more he bring them back to fight once more. He is towrn between duty and compassion and walks a very thin line for this thus while keeping himself poised for all that might occur. He also willing gives up his life for his son and fellow musketers with out giving anythought to it.

THE BATTLE

JUSTICAR:   Some interesting commentary from our astute viewers. However I fear we may receive a nasty letter from the French consulate. Getting back to the contest the tales of these four heroes are spreading throughout the realm like wildfire. DamieN are the crowds back home ready?

DAMIEN:   The crowd at the Khazan Megaplex is definitely psyched to see this highlight reel, thanks to some generous helpings of ale. By the way, I wouldn't concern yourself about diplomatic troubles too much, it is the French consulate we're talking about after all! Anyway, the excerpts from the contest underway have been compiled. Roll tape!

JUSTICAR:   The tale of Sir Robin...(I couldn't help it) Looks like Locksley's been scouting out a caravan loaded with treasure bound for the Overlords castle. He's patiently waiting for the caravan to arrive at a certain point.

DAMIEN:   And now we know why! The guards riding just ahead of the caravan have been taken out by a hidden pit trap. The rear guard is raising there weapons now, looking at the surrounding brush for signs of their attacker...

JUSTICAR:   The caravan guards are backtracking attempting to pull the main body out of harms way. Robin was waiting for them though, he's just activated several carefully laid snare traps which the caravan passed over. The rear guards are out!

DAMIEN:   And now Robin is charging the main carriage himself! He kicks in the door, whacks a guard over the head with his bow, drops the other with a swift kick to the midsection, throws them off, grabs the reins of the carriage, and he's off, vanishing into the woods. A textbook job, Robin is off to a strong start.

JUSTICAR:   We now bring the viewers to Zorro. He appears to be in a small shanty-town. The familiar cries of a maiden in distress can be heard.

DAMIEN:   Looks like Zorro hears the cries as well. He's coming in a full gallop on his trusty steed, he rides right into the middle of a gang of brutish thugs. Still atop his saddle, he kicks one in the face. Now he's got the girl from the middle of the group, he rides off a short distance and sets her down. He's dismounted now, turning to face the hooligans.

JUSTICAR:   One may be down but he remaining thugs have trapped Zorro in a corner! Not today! Zorro is using his whip to pull down a ramshackle arrangement of barrels. Four more thugs are down, but the remaining five are swinging their swords... looks like they got him.

DAMIEN:   This looks bad for Z...no wait, Zorro ducks, v-steps, does a forward roll, he leaps to the side and... INCONCEIVABLE, all the thugs are down, slain by their own comrades!

JUSTICAR:   That just leaves one, the leader of the pack. Zorro is smiling, this is bad. Looks like Zorro is going use a little flash here to impress the lady. A flash of steel is all that is seen. The leader has officially been depantsed and marked with a "Z".

DAMIEN:   But now a stroke of bad luck befalls our masked avenger. It seems that the fine young lady he rescued is only 16. He's taking her back to her village now, no bonus points here.

JUSTICAR:   We now turn to D'artagnan. Well it appears he's quite dejected and is just basically looking for something to do. DamieN lets cue up some tape and show why D'arts so down.

DAMIEN:   A replay of the previous exploits seems to show his problem Justy. After we cut away from the first segment, Dart arrived at the site of Robin's ambush only in time to knock out some injured evil guards. And upon closer examination of the tape, we can make out what a appears to be D�artagnan standing on a grassy knoll several hundred paces away just as Zorro was finishing up his battle. Poor guy has lousy timing.

JUSTICAR:   Now the scene changes to Wesley, The Dread Pirate Roberts. He's just saved a baby from a housefire. He bids the family farewell but soon happens upon a young girl whose crying. She explains that some big brute just ran off with her brother.

DAMIEN:   The revered man in black is starting off down the trail, running along with no notice of fatigue.

JUSTICAR:   Woah... something bad is going on. The ground is shaking with periodic rumbles. Wesley looks a bit concerned as he spies a nearby lake.

DAMIEN:   Uh oh, I think he has good reason to worry. Our mics are picking up a series of loud thuds, like approaching footsteps. And that lake is doing a rendition of the "ominous ripples" thing from Jurassic Park, or at least a parody of it.

JUSTICAR:   What's going on! An eclipse? Uh-oh... that's a shadow. *Camera pans back and back* Cee-Ripes! That dude has got to be 25 feet tall. Its a minotaur! There's something shining on his chest. Its a nametag, "Hi, I'm Minotaurus... I eat little people... prepare to die." Well, at least he's a cheerful guy. The Dread Pirate has to face a real giant now!

DAMIEN:   But amazingly, that hulking beast doesn't seem to have Wesley's full attention. His keen eyes are looking around for the little boy he's out to save. No sign of him though.

JUSTICAR:   Crash! A fist smacking into the Earth got Wesley's attention as he makes his saving throw and dodges to the side. Crash! Crash! Wesley's nimbleness is keeping him alive! A spark of inspiration hit Wesley. He runs around to the rear of the monster. The monster swings with another attack, Wesley darts though his legs and stabs him square in the toe. The momentary pain caught the creature by surprise as he loses his balance! Timber!!!

DAMIEN:   Wes has his blade pressed against the monster's jugular. But what's this? He doesn't strike. He's talking to the beast, I believe it's about the rather generic nametag he wears. Wesley is suggesting how it could be a far more menacing advertisement, in exchange for the monster's services. Damn, Wesley's charisma is almost without equal, he's won Minotaurus over to his side!

JUSTICAR:   Let's check back on D'artagnan. Perhaps his luck has changed. It looks like he's on his way to the castle and he's kicking a rock. I guess not.

DAMIEN:   Here comes the Dread Pirate and his new compatriot from the other end of the path. D'artagnan spots them. He's throw his musketeer hat to the ground, now he stabs it with the point of his sword. He's yelling something...

FRENCHIE:   MERDE!

DAMIEN:   Hmph. And odd turn of events here, to say the least. Now let's go to our guest sideline commentator, the renowned Lieutenant Columbo, to see if he can shed some light on the identity of the evil overlord plaguing this land with suffering.

COLUMBO:   *rummages through his pockets*....

DAMIEN:   Umm.. Mr. Columbo, you know we're on?

COLUMBO:   On? Oh you mean right now, at this very moment? Wow, now ain't that something. I beg your pardon sir. You know I'm really not much for this whole broadcasting thing. Now my wife on the other hand, she knows all about journalists and analysts and this and that. She watches alot of TV these days you see...

DAMIEN:   Yeah, TV, that's fascinating. Now...how about the evil overlord, have you figured out who he is yet?!

COLUMBO:   Oh, well you see this is a very particular case. Not a homicide which is my department. And I certainly don't handle alot of crimes in places that are stuck in the past. But this here, well from what I can see, all the clues point to one man as your culprit here. Somebody really old, way older than I am and I'm quite old despite what my wife tries to tell me. Also, the information gathered from all the crime scenes his folks have been involved in points to somebody very well funded, but definitely from out of town. Now, I didn't have a clue who it was, until a few hours ago when I noticed my shoes were untied. Den it hit me. By examining the knot in the shoe laces of one of his henchmen, I figured that that evil genius hear had ta be none other than the tycoon named C. Mon...

DAMIEN:   OKAAAAAAY, that's enough of that! Cut his mic. We're on a tight schedule here. Justy, what's going on over at the castle?

JUSTICAR:   Finally found someone who could ramble on longer than yourself...heh...heh...Yes, D'artagnan has arrived at the castle. He's climbing a hill to survey the layout. To his surprise about 1,000 tried and true warriors in full military formation are looking back at him. He's looking quite grave as he weighs his options.

DAMIEN:   Zounds! Those troops are suddenly under surprise attack from their left flank. It looks like Wesley and Minotaurus have brought along a traveling freak show of over-sized buddies, and they're bashing soldiers left and right. The troops were caught totally off-guard but the officers are trying to get them reorganized.

JUSTICAR:   Our distance mics are getting some activity from the rear of the army. Its Zorro galloping at full speed carrying the banner of the former Queen! He is not alone either, an army of peasants is charging from behind. They are waylaying the rear ranks. Zorro is cutting a swath through the soldiers as he looks for his fellow heroes.

DAMIEN:   D'artagnan was so busy watching all the fighting, he just narrowly averted being run over by a speeding carriage. Say is that... why yes, it's Robin Hood at the reigns, he's charging at full steam towards the castle. The main portcullis is closing, he must be planning to jam it with the carriage to prevent the Castle from being locked down. Things are really heating up now.

JUSTICAR:   D'artagnan is ready to join the battle, but he's stopped by a tugging at his coat tail. Its that little from earlier in the battle. She explains with pleading eyes the plight of her small cat which is stuck in a tree. D'artagnan looks back to the battle then back to the little girl and sighs.

DAMIEN:   Old Dart has made his way to the trees upper branches. He has the kitty almost in reach and...the cat just vanished into thin air, the tree's branches have come to life, the musketeer has climbed into a trap! Meanwhile that young girl is just standing there laughing. This looks sick eh Justy? The tree is, literally DEVOURING HIM! Ugh, there's nothing left of D'artagnan now but his hat. Poor guy, he lost his last chance to get some pu...

JUSTICAR:   Hey, hey! Look, its Robin Hood at the portcullis. The carriage just smashed into the gate. Robin had it so loaded with treasure that the portcullis is jammed. But alas, Robin timed his jump wrong and one of the gate spike skewed his leg. Robin's OK but its suffice to say he's out of the action.

DAMIEN:   Zorro and Wesley are fighting side by side now. The sharp points of their swords are making quick work of the hordes of generic guards trying to stop their progress. Damn, they're quick, their swordsmanship looks equal from what I can tell.

JUSTICAR:   Yes, they certainly are putting on a clinic as they cull the herd. They've arrived at the throne room door. The two remaining guards make a desperate lunge to attack, but Dart and the Dread Pirate kick them and send them flying into the giant double doors.

DAMIEN:   They're in the throne room, but Z and DPR are down, they've been felled by a sonic blast from the shadows! Who could have access to that sort of tech here? Ah, I see our heroes are getting to their feet. The torches in the back end of the throne room are coming on automatically. It looks like a knight in pink armor is holding several megaphones before the face of his Overlord. Check it out Justy, we can see the Overlord now, it's...my God, it looks like C. Montgomery Burns! What the hell is he doing here?!

MONTY BURNS:   Excellent... my flies have come to the heart of the spider's web. Before you are killed and tossed into a nearby ditch allow me to explain a few things. It was I who summoned you to this kingdom. The movie that you are contributing to is not for the Newsreels, but for me! I shall entitle it, " No Matter How Hard You Fight You Will Die Anyway!" That should really get a good laugh back at the Evil Overlord's Guild. Now lets look outside to gaze upon my entire legion of elite troops...*sees the carnage outside*... Oh fiddle-faddle. Smither's destroy them!

DAMIEN:   Sir Smithers of Springfield is marching toward the heroes in his armor. Somehow, I don't think there's need to worry about their safety in this situation.

JUSTICAR:   Smither's is disarmed and kicked aside. What that take, .003 seconds? That old coot isn't out of tricks yet, he just 'hurled' a grenade at the heroes. Its rolling... and rolling...

THE FINAL VOTE

'Nuff Said!

FINAL VOTE:

Robin Hood: 102

D'Artagnan: 47

Zorro: 279

Pirate Roberts: 346

Number of people who pointed out D'Artagnan is French, and therefore doomed: 9

THE WRAP UP

DAMIEN:   I'm not sure Wesley recognizes what a modern grenade is but Zorro has it figured out! He moving to shove Wesley out of the way, but no, he's tripped over Smithers whose trying to get up! That grenade is gonna blow any second...

JUSTICAR:   Wesley is lunging back at the grenade, he's got it and is hurling it out the window. It explodes harmless outside.

DAMIEN:   Burns may be 104, but he's moving with the finesse of an eighty-year old as he inches his way towards an escape door on the back wall. Zorro and Wes are in hot pursuit... Wesley leaps first... and yes Wes has tackled that ancient megalomaniac to the ground! It sounds like Monty's arthritic joints didn't take that too well.

JUSTICAR:   Well, Wesley and Zorro have burns in chains and they've tossed him to the peasants. Looks like there will be no rainbow today for Burns. Looks like were just about done here for today. For DamieN Brimstone, this is Justicar signing off. Good day.

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