JUSTICAR: Some interesting commentary from
our astute viewers. However I fear we may receive a nasty letter from the
French consulate. Getting back to the contest the tales of these four
heroes are spreading throughout the realm like wildfire. DamieN are the
crowds back home ready?
DAMIEN: The crowd at the Khazan Megaplex
is definitely psyched to see this highlight reel, thanks to some generous
helpings of ale. By the way, I wouldn't concern yourself about diplomatic
troubles too much, it is the French consulate we're talking about after
all! Anyway, the excerpts from the contest underway have been compiled.
JUSTICAR: The tale of Sir Robin...(I
couldn't help it) Looks like Locksley's been scouting out a caravan loaded
with treasure bound for the Overlords castle. He's patiently waiting for
the caravan to arrive at a certain point.
DAMIEN: And now we know why! The guards
riding just ahead of the caravan have been taken out by a hidden pit trap.
The rear guard is raising there
weapons now, looking at the surrounding brush for signs of their attacker...
JUSTICAR: The caravan guards are
backtracking attempting to pull the main body out of harms way. Robin was
waiting for them though, he's just activated several carefully laid snare
traps which the caravan passed over. The rear guards are out!
DAMIEN: And now Robin is charging the main
carriage himself! He kicks in the door, whacks a guard over the head with
his bow, drops the other with a swift kick to the midsection, throws them
off, grabs the reins of the carriage, and he's off, vanishing into the
woods. A textbook job, Robin is off to a strong start.
JUSTICAR: We now bring the viewers to
Zorro. He appears to be in a small shanty-town. The familiar cries of a
maiden in distress can be heard.
DAMIEN: Looks like Zorro hears the cries
as well. He's coming in a full gallop on his trusty steed, he rides right
into the middle of a gang of brutish thugs. Still atop his saddle, he
kicks one in the face. Now he's got the girl from the middle of the group,
he rides off a short distance and sets her down. He's dismounted now,
turning to face the hooligans.
JUSTICAR: One may be down but he remaining
thugs have trapped Zorro in a corner! Not today! Zorro is using his whip to
pull down a ramshackle arrangement of barrels. Four more thugs are down,
but the remaining five are swinging their swords... looks like they got him.
DAMIEN: This looks bad for Z...no wait,
Zorro ducks, v-steps, does a forward roll, he leaps to the side and...
INCONCEIVABLE, all the thugs are down,
slain by their own comrades!
JUSTICAR: That just leaves one, the leader
of the pack. Zorro is smiling, this is bad. Looks like Zorro is going use a
little flash here to impress the lady. A flash of steel is all that is
seen. The leader has officially been depantsed and marked with a "Z".
DAMIEN: But now a stroke of bad luck
befalls our masked avenger. It seems that the fine young lady he rescued
is only 16. He's taking her back to her village now, no bonus points here.
JUSTICAR: We now turn to D'artagnan. Well
it appears he's quite dejected and is just basically looking for something
to do. DamieN lets cue up some tape and show why D'arts so down.
DAMIEN: A replay of the previous exploits
seems to show his problem Justy. After we cut away from the first segment,
Dart arrived at the site of Robin's ambush only in time to knock out some
injured evil guards. And upon closer examination of the tape, we can make
out what a appears to be D’artagnan standing on a grassy knoll several
hundred paces away just as Zorro was finishing up his battle. Poor guy has
JUSTICAR: Now the scene changes to Wesley,
The Dread Pirate Roberts. He's just saved a baby from a housefire. He bids
the family farewell but soon happens upon a young girl whose crying. She
explains that some big brute just ran off with her brother.
DAMIEN: The revered man in black is
starting off down the trail, running along with no notice of fatigue.
JUSTICAR: Woah... something bad is going
on. The ground is shaking with periodic rumbles. Wesley looks a bit
concerned as he spies a nearby lake.
DAMIEN: Uh oh, I think he has good reason
to worry. Our mics are picking up a series of loud thuds, like approaching
footsteps. And that lake is doing a
rendition of the "ominous ripples" thing from Jurassic Park, or at least a
parody of it.
JUSTICAR: What's going on! An eclipse?
Uh-oh... that's a shadow. *Camera pans back and back* Cee-Ripes! That dude
has got to be 25 feet tall. Its a minotaur! There's something shining on
his chest. Its a nametag, "Hi, I'm Minotaurus... I eat little people...
prepare to die." Well, at least he's a cheerful guy. The Dread Pirate has
to face a real giant now!
DAMIEN: But amazingly, that hulking beast
doesn't seem to have Wesley's full attention. His keen eyes are looking
around for the little boy he's out to save. No sign of him though.
JUSTICAR: Crash! A fist smacking into the
Earth got Wesley's attention as he makes his saving throw and dodges to the
side. Crash! Crash! Wesley's nimbleness is keeping him alive! A spark of
inspiration hit Wesley. He runs around to the rear of the monster. The
monster swings with another attack, Wesley darts though his legs and stabs
him square in the toe. The momentary pain caught the creature by surprise
as he loses his balance! Timber!!!
DAMIEN: Wes has his blade pressed against
the monster's jugular. But what's this? He doesn't strike. He's talking to
the beast, I believe it's about the rather generic nametag he wears.
Wesley is suggesting how it could be a far more menacing advertisement, in
exchange for the monster's services. Damn, Wesley's charisma is almost
without equal, he's won Minotaurus over to his side!
JUSTICAR: Let's check back on D'artagnan.
Perhaps his luck has changed. It looks like he's on his way to the castle
and he's kicking a rock. I guess not.
DAMIEN: Here comes the Dread Pirate and
his new compatriot from the other end of the path. D'artagnan spots them.
He's throw his musketeer hat to the ground, now he stabs it with the point
of his sword. He's yelling something...
DAMIEN: Hmph. And odd turn of events
here, to say the least. Now let's go to our guest sideline commentator, the
renowned Lieutenant Columbo, to see if he
can shed some light on the identity of the evil overlord plaguing this land
COLUMBO: *rummages through his pockets*....
DAMIEN: Umm.. Mr. Columbo, you know we're
COLUMBO: On? Oh you mean right now, at
this very moment? Wow, now ain't that something. I beg your pardon sir.
You know I'm really not much for
this whole broadcasting thing. Now my wife on the other hand, she knows
all about journalists and analysts and this and that. She watches alot of
TV these days you see...
DAMIEN: Yeah, TV, that's fascinating.
Now...how about the evil overlord, have you figured out who he is yet?!
COLUMBO: Oh, well you see this is a very
particular case. Not a homicide which is my department. And I certainly
don't handle alot of crimes in places that are stuck in the past. But this
here, well from what I can see, all the clues point to one man as your
culprit here. Somebody really old, way older than I am and I'm quite old
despite what my wife tries to tell me. Also, the information gathered from
all the crime scenes his folks have been involved in points to somebody
very well funded, but definitely from out of town. Now, I didn't have a
clue who it was, until a few hours ago when I noticed my shoes were untied.
Den it hit me. By examining the knot in the shoe laces of one of his
henchmen, I figured that that evil genius hear had ta be none other than
the tycoon named C. Mon...
DAMIEN: OKAAAAAAY, that's enough of that!
Cut his mic. We're on a tight schedule here. Justy, what's going on over
at the castle?
JUSTICAR: Finally found someone who could
ramble on longer than yourself...heh...heh...Yes, D'artagnan has arrived at
the castle. He's climbing a hill to survey the layout. To his surprise
about 1,000 tried and true warriors in full military formation are looking
back at him. He's looking quite grave as he weighs his options.
DAMIEN: Zounds! Those troops are
suddenly under surprise attack from their left flank. It looks like Wesley
and Minotaurus have brought along a traveling freak show of over-sized
buddies, and they're bashing soldiers left and right. The troops were
caught totally off-guard but the officers are trying to get them reorganized.
JUSTICAR: Our distance mics are getting
some activity from the rear of the army. Its Zorro galloping at full speed
carrying the banner of the former Queen! He is not alone either, an army of
peasants is charging from behind. They are waylaying the rear ranks. Zorro
is cutting a swath through the soldiers as he looks for his fellow heroes.
DAMIEN: D'artagnan was so busy watching
all the fighting, he just narrowly averted being run over by a speeding
carriage. Say is that... why yes, it's Robin Hood at the reigns, he's
charging at full steam towards the castle. The main portcullis is closing,
he must be planning to jam it with the carriage to prevent the Castle from
being locked down. Things are really heating up now.
JUSTICAR: D'artagnan is ready to join the
battle, but he's stopped by a tugging at his coat tail. Its that little
from earlier in the battle. She explains with pleading eyes the plight of
her small cat which is stuck in a tree. D'artagnan looks back to the battle
then back to the little girl and sighs.
DAMIEN: Old Dart has made his way to the
trees upper branches. He has the kitty almost in reach and...the cat just
vanished into thin air, the tree's
branches have come to life, the musketeer has climbed into a trap!
Meanwhile that young girl is just standing there laughing. This looks sick
eh Justy? The tree is, literally DEVOURING HIM! Ugh, there's nothing left
of D'artagnan now but his hat. Poor guy, he lost his last chance to get
JUSTICAR: Hey, hey! Look, its Robin Hood
at the portcullis. The carriage just smashed into the gate. Robin had it so
loaded with treasure that the portcullis is jammed. But alas, Robin timed
his jump wrong and one of the gate spike skewed his leg. Robin's OK but its
suffice to say he's out of the action.
DAMIEN: Zorro and Wesley are fighting
side by side now. The sharp points of their swords are making quick work
of the hordes of generic guards trying to
stop their progress. Damn, they're quick, their swordsmanship looks equal
from what I can tell.
JUSTICAR: Yes, they certainly are putting
on a clinic as they cull the herd. They've arrived at the throne room door.
The two remaining guards make a desperate lunge to attack, but Dart and the
Dread Pirate kick them and send them flying into the giant double doors.
DAMIEN: They're in the throne room, but Z
and DPR are down, they've been felled by a sonic blast from the shadows!
Who could have access to that sort of tech here? Ah, I see our heroes are
getting to their feet. The torches in the back end of the throne room are
coming on automatically. It looks like a knight in pink armor is holding
several megaphones before the face of his Overlord. Check it out Justy, we
can see the Overlord now, it's...my God, it looks like C. Montgomery Burns!
What the hell is he doing here?!
MONTY BURNS: Excellent... my flies have
come to the heart of the spider's web. Before you are killed and tossed
into a nearby ditch allow me to explain a few things. It was I who summoned
you to this kingdom. The movie that you are contributing to is not for the
Newsreels, but for me! I shall entitle it, " No Matter How Hard You Fight
You Will Die Anyway!" That should really get a good laugh back at the Evil
Overlord's Guild. Now lets look outside to gaze upon my entire legion of
elite troops...*sees the carnage outside*... Oh fiddle-faddle. Smither's
DAMIEN: Sir Smithers of Springfield is
marching toward the heroes in his armor. Somehow, I don't think there's
need to worry about their safety in this situation.
JUSTICAR: Smither's is disarmed and
kicked aside. What that take, .003 seconds? That old coot isn't out of
tricks yet, he just 'hurled' a grenade at the heroes. Its rolling... and