Beauties of the Beasties
Coming to you LIVE from the Khazan Convention center... it's the Bi-Annual Miss Queen of the Damned Beauty Pageant!
We've seen some fierce competition rise and fall here on stage, folks. The likes of Satanica, Lady Death and Purgatory put up good fronts in this years competition. Unfortunately many fell victim to tough judges in both the "Talent" and the "Synchronized Bloodletting" sections of the program. We have at last come down to the finalists....
So who should wear the title of Miss Queen of the Damned?
Should it be Vampirella, who
uses her seductive beauty to satisfy her needs for human life sustaining
Or possibly Elvira, who uses her bodacious bod to lure you
into sitting through some really bad movies about vampires?
You be the judge!
Join us now for a battle we had to call...
Is that a wooden stake in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
This fluffy bit of cheesecake was home brewed by Ferret & Slug.
THE SPORTS BOX
SLUG: Welcome to Khazan Convention
Center, where we have a doozy of a battle for you. It's not a battle,
really. It's more of a sexist display degrading to women everywhere.
FERRET: You say that like it's a bad
thing. You've got to admit, we probably have the greatest job in the
world right now. We're getting paid big bucks to watch Vampi and Elvira
flaunt their wares. Can't beat it. Well, maybe we can beat it. Before
you give us your first impressions, Slug, wipe off the drool, its
unbecoming, even for a Slug.
SLUG: Oh... Thanks! Well, we
started with over 50 candidates, alive, undead, and various stages in
between, all vying for the title of "Queen of the Damned." The judges
have narrowed the field down to two righteous babes! No, I guess
"righteous" is not exactly the proper term, is it Ferret?
FERRET: But "babes" certainly
applies. Here comes Vampirella now. What a "hotty". The judges sure
have their work cut out for them. She reminds me a lot more of a
goddess than a vampire. Is that a body to die for, or what? Have I
mentioned I love skimpy red costumes? "HEY VAMPI ! BITE ME ! BITE ME!"
SLUG: Oh, and my drooling was
unbecoming! But, I'm with you in spirit, man, because here comes
Elvira! "Hostess with the Mostess" doesn't even begin to describe this
seductive piece of work! Oh, man, I'm sliming all over myself here!
It's a good time to go to spectator comments!
Favorite letter of the Week
Mr. Silverback writes:
After checking Vampirella out, Elvira knows that there is no hope of winning on looks, she's foxy, but outclassed. She slips backstage and re-emerges as her alter-ego: Cassandra Peterson! The pageant screeches to a halt, then the audience begins to laugh. Certainly this woman doesn't seriously expect to be named Miss Queen of the Damned. But then the screams begin. The pageant has become a little too high-profile, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer is staking everyone in sight backstage. She charges onto the stage, brushes past Elvira and leaps into the judge's pit with a stake in each hand and one clenched between her teeth. A week later, everything has been sorted out and Elvira wins by default. Unfortunately, she uses her new position to promote her animal rights causes, and this is her downfall. When she dies during an animal rescue later that year, the police are never sure whether the needle-like teeth marks in her body are from the enraged minks or vampires enraged by the sight of the Queen of the Damned cuddling fuzzy little animals. Left without a Queen or a runner-up, the judges draft Amanda Bearce and force her to spend a year pretending to be the vampire nymphette from "Fright Night."
Gefilte Fish writes:
I know some will say Elvira, because she is a real person and Vampi is a comic. To them I say, "what are you doing visiting CBUB"? Aren't 90% of these things comic related? Others will say Vampi for what are obvious reasons. To them I say, "I like the way you think"! Vampi rules, Elvira drools.
The Bunyip writes:
I see as of my vote that Vampirella is in the lead... sheesh! Lets see, comic book drawing vs. a REAL human female with a REAL chest (at least, real enough...) and a real name (Cassandra Petersen, IIRC) My verdict? Stake the heart and chop off the head of the 4-color comic chick. I prefer women who at least exist in 3 dimensions... (My grandpa might say "kids today, sheesh!", but I think that's a given...)
The Evil One writes:
Hats off to Slug and the Ferret for a real winner this time. We can't lose. Our Queen will be an awesome one. I'll be proud to service either one or even both
Sailor Xena writes:
I pick Vampirella because she looks better in her skimpy outfits. She's also a vampire which is cooler then being on cheap cheesy movies.
WHO CARES WHO WINS. SOMEONE PASS ME SOME DOLLAR BILL AND A TOWEL. POINT ME IN THE DIRECTION OF THE G-STRINGS!
Elvira takes this one in a landslide. First off, she has the experience to back herself up. Know who she's based on? Anyone seen "Orgy of the Dead?" Elvira is no petty hostess, she is the newest incarnation of the demon Ghoulita, who delights in devouring flesh and.. a few other things. Vampirella wears a cheap little costume and when potrayed by a real-life person looks, let's face it, ridiculous. Elvira's got the moves AND the ability to make it in the real world, not some comic-book world. Elvira's got the body, the voice, the experience, and sheer unadulterated sexiness Vampirella lacks. Vampirella? Sorry, sweety, you're out of your league.
I can't believe you actually expected me to chose between the two! Such a choice is near impossible! Elvira luring you in to watch horrible movies, or Vampirella luring you in to drain you of life. Both horrible deaths, but to decide which is worth it? I reluctantly say that I will go with Elvira on this one. Not to say that Vampirella is a beauty worth dying for, but with Elvira, at least you get a break from the movie.
Firestar Artemis writes:
Vampirella wears a more revealing outfit. Elvira stole the act of the 1950's star Vampira. And this should go to the Anne Rice character, Queen Akasha, not either of these upstarts.
I'm sure it's been said before, but why go for flesh when you got ink? Paul Simon said it best: "If you took all the girls I knew when I was single, And threw them all together for one night, I know they'd never match my sweet imagination, 'cuz everything looks worse in black & white." (Kodachrome)
Wolf Leader writes:
I just wanna say that Vampirella is hotter looking than Elvira and if worse comes to worse, Vampirella will seduce the judges into voting for her and then kill them before they change their minds. If Elvira has a problem with that, Vampirella will have no qualms about killing her too!
'Lord' Rev. Dr. Paul Soth writes:
Hmm, when it comes to ageless beauty, i gotta go with Elvira. She deserves recognition alone for the simple fact that she has maintained a body like that for so long. Hell, i once caught a re-run of CHiPS with her in it. Almost 20 years, and she still looks that good. I'm quite amazed. Also, after years of guest appearances on crappy shows (including that lame Super Mario Brothers show), she's gotta have something to show for it. Hell, she deserves some sort of Lifetime Achievement Award for all the work she's done for b-movies, TV, and lonely guys. She is legend. It would be wrong NOT to award her.
Atomic Skull writes:
Vampirella is a comic book character, with the kind of figure that only the imagination of a horny comic artist could conceive..
Elvira all the way.... I mean, she is THE BABE here... and we all know what that means.... btw - can you set me up with a date with her?
well I assume this is kinda like the Ms. America contest I'd go with Elvira hands down. Although Vampirella is as curvy as mountain road I'd have to go with Elvira, she really is the hostess with the mostess, especially in the chestus department.....uh back to my opinion. Elvira is the true mistress of darkness, with thighs creamier than cottage cheese. Think, who reads comic books? Little kids! Who watches Elvira? guys who buy beer and people who watched her movie. Well that's my opinion, much better than some of those Elvira on Vampirella comments you'll probably get.
The models who have played Vampirella haven't done justice to the original pulp comics of the seventies. In those classics, she was better drawn in every possible sense.
Elvira, on the other hand, has only gotten better. She started out as a hostess, then a spokesperson for Coors. But the intro failed to mention she made a full-length feature film.
The Mistress of the Dark created by the lovely Cassandra Peterson has also been portrayed by the statuesque Darla Crane. The Elvira character will go down in history as the Betty Page of the last 20 years.
Finally! A battle that's tough to decide. (Last weeks match, of course, being a total waste of my time, as nobody really gives a damn about Darkseid OR Apocalypse... and the match between Thrawn and Breetai was so one-sided it was pretty much a "no-brainer"). Kudos to you guys for this one!
I love the artwork in Vampirella, 'specially the covers... (no matter who draws her, the chick's a righteous, albeit unholy, Babe!) But I hadda' go with Elvira. The lady's got a kinda' magic and can enthrall an audience with only a sidelong glance and a smart-remark. Don't know how many times I've found myself sitting through those B-movies, unable to reach for the remote control to save the few remaining brain-cells in my head. If she can do that to me, she can do that to jus' about anyone. Those judges are toast, dude.
FERRET: Alright, someone let the
loonies out. Yeah, like I'm gonna set him up with Elvira. If I could
do that, I'd be setting her up with me. I see the contestants and the
judges are ready.
SLUG: Yes, and we have come to the
talent portion of the event. Elvira is up first, and she has a big
screen TV with her. Oh, this is amazing. She's got every spectator
watching William Shatner's "Kingdom of the Spiders" and liking it! Now,
Ferret, you have to admit, that takes real talent!
FERRET: It just occurred to me;
William Shatner is one of the most under appreciated geniuses of our
time. This is a good movie! Great acting, great directing, great
script, GREAT GOBS OF SIZZLING SPECTATOR, Vampi has thrown one of the
spectators through the television. Guess showtime's over. Maybe Vampi
is on the side of "good" after all. She sure saved us this time. No
telling what Elvira could have gotten us to watch. Of course, the poor
spectator may not be too happy about it. But, his death is not
meaningless. It means Vampi is up next.
SLUG: I don't know if "People
Throwing" is a talent or not, but, I like it!
FERRET: It seems choreography is
her talent. Vampi has just begun making some serious moves to that old
favorite of mine, "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap". Vampi is simply
awesome. Can you imagine some of the positions she can get in being
able to move like that? Looking at the Judges, they seem to be able to
imagine it. I don't even think they are blinking.
SLUG: Yeah, I think she is,
literally, working some kind of magic! I'm not ashamed to say my
tongue's getting hard. Yeah, she sure seems to have an advantage
over... who was that other chick, again?
FERRET: Elvira, Slug, Elvira. And
she better make a strong comeback in the Question and Answer portion.
Here's how it works: the Judges ask a question, usually one with deep
social and/or moral implications, and the contestants answer. Elivra
won the bloodletting contest earlier, so she gets to go first. Here
comes the question:
Pageant Judge: Using an analogy of a traveler on a journey, How would you describe your life?"
Elvira: That's easy, my life is a highway, men are the
pitstops. The highway is in Transylvania, mind you, so, once I've used
a man, I ensure there's nothing left for all the rest to play with.
SLUG: What a way to go, huh?
FERRET: O.K, now Vampi steps up to the
microphone. Here comes her answer....
Vampirella: We are all travelers in time.
Like the prevailing winds and currents that used to propel sailing ships
across the oceans, time is a constant force which moves us
forward--second by second, minute by minute, day by day. It moves at
the same steady pace for all of us. While the forces which thrust us
through our time travels may be beyond our control, the direction of
our travel is up to us....
SLUG: O.K.! We get the point.
Would someone tell her to shut up? HEY VAMPI, move on.
FERRET: Quiet Slug, you got a death
wish or something. Lets hear her out.
Vampirella: ...We can't fight the wind that is
always blowing or change the fact that the sail of our ship is always
up, but we can hold on to the rudder and steer. Savvy travelers use
maps to navigate their journey through physical space. It is no
different for our journey through time...
SLUG: Is she still talking? Okay,
let me see the rules! There has to be a time limit on this drivel!
Vampirella: ...Each of
us can create maps of our lives, maps to show us where we have been, and
maps to indicate where we might go. We need to chart that map in such a
way as to work to our greatest advantage...
SLUG: *Snore!* What? Oh, she's done?
She's done! Of the possible answers to that question, that was all of
them, I think!
FERRET: So far, this contest is
really close. I think Vampi got way to carried away on that answer.
She's got to learn to go with her strength, her great looks. Face it
Slug, this in not an intellectual contest. If it was, Elvira would
certainly not be here. I do have to give Elvira the nod on that answer.
Even Jeff Gordon would like that pitstop.
SLUG: This is certainly going down
to the wire! So, what's up next for our Evil Wenches?
FERRET: My sheet says the swimsuit
competition is next, Slug.
SLUG: Are you nuts? Vampirella is
going to put ON more clothes? As if!
FERRET: I'm sure of it Slug, it says
right here, swimsuit competition. As dumb as that seems, Vampi may have
to get dressed.
SLUG: No, here she comes with her
normal thong thingie on. What's she doing? She reaching back to undo
the clasp? We'll see her in all her splendor! That's not legal, is it?
FERRET: I have a ruling from the
competition committee: swim wear is defined as what the contestant would
normally wear while swimming. So it would seem, Slug, that if Vampi
swims in the nude, its legal.
SLUG: Do you happen to know the
pools she frequents? I, for one, am glad that the rules read that way.
I don't think it would be fair to take off points for the display we're
seeing now! The question is, how will Elvira counter this move?
FERRET: Frankly, Slug, I don't think
Elvira can recover. Vampi seems to have captured the entire event, fair
and square or not. I know that I can't seem to look anywhere e l s e........
SLUG: You may be right. It appears
as if the judges are locked in, as well. In fact, they look as if they
are in a trance! That's it, they are mesmerized! Now, I know this
isn't legal! Somebody has to do something about this misconduct! What
are your thoughts, Ferret?
FERRET: Must have Vampi. Must have
Vampi. Must have Vampi.
SLUG: Oh, no! She got you, too! I
guess it's final, then. There's no one left to protest to.
THE FINAL VOTE
THE WRAP UP
SLUG: This is Slug, signing off for
Ferret, saying thanks for allowing us into your lives. Ferret?
FERRET: Must have Vampi. Must have
Vampi. Must have Vampi.
SLUG: Yeah, what he said! Must have
Vampi. Must have Vampi. Must have Vampi.
DISCLAIMER / NOTICE:
Elvira (TM) is the property (c) of Herself
Vampirella (TM) is the property (c) of Harris Comics (I Think)
This webpage makes no claims and attempts no infringement... this is just for fun.