Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

And the Funny Thing Is, He Actually Did More Work Than the Real Employees

Our bozo for today from Butler County, Pennsylvania, was faced with a problem. Her boyfriend was in jail and needed extra money, so what to do? Simple, hire him to go to work for Long John Silver’s. Turns out she was an area manager for the restaurant chain and could hire and fire employees. Figuring no one would ever notice, she simply added him to the payroll and had sent him more than $50,000 in wages before someone tipped off the cops. She’s under arrest.

First Red Flag: She Had To Pick HIM Up At His Parents House

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from North Attleboro, Massachusetts. Bozo Christopher Carson met a woman on a dating app and, for their first date, asked her to come pick him up at his parents house. Seemed a little strange but she complied. He then drank wine in the passenger’s seat while she drove around. When they approached a bank, he asked her to pull in and he went inside. Before entering, he donned a hat and sunglasses and then robbed the teller, getting away with $1000. He jumped back in the car and told her to step on it. Panicking, she did as she was told. They didn’t get far before the cops were on their tail. She immediately pulled over and surrendered. Our bozo was arrested. She was not charged. Worst first date ever!

She Cuts Out the Middleman and Sells Directly To You

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chesterfield, Missouri where bozo Twanna Taylor had a going commercial enterprise. She would steal merchandise and then sell it out of her online boutique. She would even showcase the loot during live video presentations, sort of a QVC of stolen clothes. Great idea except…the cops have internet, too. They would actually tune in to her live shows and then track the merchandise back to reports they had of stolen items. Oops. She’s busted!

The Family That Drinks Together, Stays Together

Bozo criminals for today come from Naples Florida. It seems our husband and wife team had enjoyed a few drinks too many at The Dock at Crayton Cove bar. When the woman put her feet up on the bar, revealing that she was wearing no underwear, the bartender had seen enough. He told them to leave or he was going to call the cops. That’s when Miss No Panties replied, “I don’t have to go anywhere because my dad is the chief of police.” We’re not sure if that is true or not, but when the cops arrived, she remained argumentative. That’s when her husband asked the officer, “will you just walk my wife up to our room and sing her a silly song and lullaby?” The cop denied that request and as he was hauling her out, her husband said, “if she is going, I want to go too,” That’s a request the cop was glad to honor. They both slept it off in jail.

Tools Do You No Good If You Don’t Know How To Use Them

Bozo criminals for today come from Hurricane, Utah. They came up with what seemed to be a good scheme for breaking into an ATM, but things didn’t work out as planned. Using a stolen truck, a trailer, and some heavy equipment, they attempted to steal the money machine. Surveillance cameras show lots of damage, including pieces of the ATM’s drive thru service strewn around the area along with roof panels from above the machine. But, in spite of their efforts, the ATM remained intact and our bozos decided the best thing to do was get out of there, quick. Apparently too quick, as they crashed their stolen vehicle nearby. Cops are still looking for the suspects.

The Key To Cracking the Case

Bozo criminal for today comes from Warwick, Rhode Island, where the cops were called to a Hobby Lobby store on a report of lost keys…but found something else. Here’s how the story played out. Bozo Karen Schaffer called Hobby Lobby to say she thought she’d left her keys there and could they please check and see if anyone had found them. The manager reviewed security footage and discovered the woman who had left her keys was someone he had suspected of shoplifting earlier, and he was able to confirm the theft while looking at the tape. Oops. The cops were called and our bozo gave up 19 pieces of jewelry that she had hidden in her sweatshirt, coat and bag. She was charged with theft and also on violation of her bail.

Null and Void

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from California, where our bozo computer “expert” thought NULL would be a good personalized license plate. He thought if he ever got a ticket, the license plate of NULL would confuse DMV computers and he would get out of paying. Boy, was he wrong. Instead, DMV computers label all tickets with missing or incomplete license plate numbers as NULL. And before you know it, our bozo had received over $12,000 worth of tickets in the mail, all sent to the holder of the NULL license plate. Oops!

From the “Truth In Labeling” Department

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Sheffield for sending in today’s report from Santa Rosa County, Florida. Sheriff’s officers pulled over two bozos doing 95 MPH on I-10. That’s strike one. A quick ID check determined one of our bozos was the subject of an active felony warrant for violation of probation in Orange County. Strike two. An inspection of the vehicle found 75 grams of methamphetamine, 1.36 kilograms of the date-rape drug GHB, 1 gram of cocaine, 3.6 grams of fentanyl, 15 MDMA tablets and drug paraphernalia. And those drugs were clearly labeled, in a package that said, “Bag Full Of Drugs.” Strike three! You’re busted!

Another Good Reason To Take the Stairs

Bozo criminals for today come from Kenwood, Ohio, where a pair of bozos tried to steal jewelry from a local store. Security cameras show them crashing through the door, breaking display cases and making their getaway. So far, so good, right? Yep, until they decided to take the elevator to their waiting getaway car in the basement. That car got stuck on the way down. Our bozos tried to hide their loot in the elevator ceiling but to no avail. They were rescued and arrested.

Wile-E-Coyote Must Have Been His Hero

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Missoula, Minnesota. Now, here’s our bozo’s dilemma. He had a stolen ATM card in his possession, but since he didn’t have the PIN number, he couldn’t use it. So, what to do. Here’s the bozo solution he came up with. He went to a nearby gas station, bought one gallon of gas and headed back to the ATM. He then doused the machine with the gas and threw a match onto it. That’ll show that bad old ATM! Needless to say, the flaming ATM and the subsequent explosion attracted the attention of the cops and our bozo was placed under arrest.