Bozo Criminal for today from Vero Beach, Florida, walked into a 7-Eleven and went shopping. He picked up a jumbo chicken bacon ranch sandwich and a 4-pack of 16 ounce containers of Colt 45 malt liquor. For those of you keeping track, that’s a half-gallon of brew. He then walked right by the clerk without paying. Carrying such a heavy load, it’s not surprising that he didn’t get very far. The cops found him nearby hiding in some bushes. One of the Colt 45s was open. No word on the sandwich.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Greenville, South Carolina, where 86-year-old bozo George Wilson walked into a bank wearing white gloves and a ski mask. He pointed a gun at the teller and demanded cash. He got his money and made his getaway. Well, sort of. Keep in mind his age. He got into his getaway vehicle but, according to cops, he drove too cautiously to make a quick getaway. He was pulled over less than one mile from the bank.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Exeter, England, where security cameras a synagogue caught everything. Our bozo, who is a self-proclaimed Nazi, is seen walking up to the synagogue with a hammer and breaking a window. He then walks back to his van and returns with a can of gasoline. He pours the gas into the broken window, not paying much attention to the gas that is leaking down to the ground and onto him. He then places the can on the ground, gets out a lighter and, in a scene that would have made Wylie Coyote proud, is completely blown back from the window by a wave of flame. He runs away, with his cap and sleeves still burning. Using video footage, including the license plate of his van, the cops quickly placed him under arrest. The synagogue received damage but was saved.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Madison, Wisconsin. Bozo Shyla Blair walked into a convenience store, opened a pack of Combos pretzels, and ate them while also grabbing a package of beef sticks and some cookies and stuffing them into her coat. The clerk confronted her as she approached the counter. Our bozo then grabbed a sticky bun and threw it at the clerk, who returned fire by throwing the bun back at our bozo. A witness outside the store noticed what was going on and flagged down the cops, who quickly defused the potentially sticky situation. Busted! Charged with disorderly conduct, resisting/obstructing, felony bail jumping and four warrants.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Michael McPherson for sending in this doozy from Flowood, Mississippi. Our bozos cooked up what they thought was a foolproof plan to win big in the state lottery. They presented a scratch off ticket that looked like a $100,000 winner. The winning numbers were there…but…something wasn’t right. Upon further inspection, the clerk discovered the winning numbers had been glued on to the ticket. Oops. They’ve been charged with Conspiracy to Commit and Uttering Counterfeit Instrument over $1,000, punishable for 20 years in prison and a $50,000 fine.
No real criminal activity involved here, but this one from the International File in Halifax, West Yorkshire, England, contains plenty of Bozo. Apparently our unidentified bozo felt that his car smelled funky so he sprayed a large amount of air freshener inside. Good plan, right? Wrong. After spraying, he got inside and immediately lit a cigarette. Witnesses said they heard a “tremendous bang” and saw the car’s windows shatter and nearby buildings shake. Miraculously, our bozo escaped with only minor injuries, but the car is a total loss. But at least it smells fresh.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Jefferson County, Colorado, where bozo Todd Schafer was caught by a homeowner as he was trying to break into a car. The homeowner called the cops but our bozo fled before they arrived. However, just minutes later, the cops found our bozo a short distance away, again trying to break into a truck. The cops arrested him but his story doesn’t end there. After he bonded out of jail, the cops again were called to a report of an attempted vehicle break-in. When they arrived, they once again found our bozo attempting to steal a car. As he was placed under arrest, he made this admission to the cops, “I really suck at this.” We agree. He remains in jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Omaha, Nebraska, where our unidentified female bozo was pulled over by the cops for speeding. After noticing the smell of alcohol coming from the car, the officer asked the woman to take a breathalyzer test. Replying that she had “had very little to drink”, our bozo complied, and blew a whopping .256. As a point of reference, .08 is considered legally drunk in Nebraska. Undaunted, she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She said she was not impaired because she was “a professional drinker.” No matter, she was booked and joined the amateurs in jail on charges of DUI.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Saginaw, Michigan, where police received a report of “consistent celebratory gunfire” coming from a residence on New Year’s Eve. When the cops paid the homeowner a visit, they found much more than they expected. Our bozo met the cops at the door of his home, gun in hand. After ordering him to the ground, a search found multiple shell casings, ammunition, several handguns and three long guns. And they discovered one more thing…our bozo was a convicted felon on parole. Oops. He’s busted! Charged with parole violation, felon in possession of a firearm, felony firearm, and reckless discharge of a firearm. Our bozo celebrated the rest of his new year in jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Pineville, Kentucky, where bozo Julie Malone was due to visit her probation officer. And, per terms of her probation, she was required to submit a urine sample. Since she had been using the painkiller Suboxone, she knew she would fail the test, so she did what any bozo would do. She submitted urine from her dog. Let me repeat that…she collected a urine sample from her dog and presented it as hers. Not surprisingly, it didn’t pass. Busted and jailed, charged with trafficking in a controlled substance and tampering with physical evidence.