Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

My Rights To Steal Were Violated!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk J Schenato for sending in today’s report from Largo, Florida, where bozo Jerry Blake walked into a Publix supermarket. After taking a look around, he grabbed a 24 bottle case of Budweiser and headed for the door, bypassing the checkout lane. When confronted by store security, he said, “You got me,” and dropped the beer, causing it to shatter on the floor. He then proceeded to simply walk out of the store. After he left, the more he thought about the incident, the madder he got. Within a few minutes, he was back inside, irate, and demanding to speak to the manager. When he began to chase employees around the store, a Pinellas County Sheriff’s deputy took notice and took him to the ground. Still, he continued to complain and resist, this time spitting on the deputy. Bad idea. Busted! Charged with obstructing or resisting an officer without violence, simple assault (two counts), battery of a law enforcement officer (two counts), resisting an officer with violence, and felony petit theft

Hey, These Presents Are Really Light!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pullman, Washington, where our bozo, identified only as a 20-year-old Washington State University student, was booked on suspicion of underage drinking. When he was released, he noticed a lovely Christmas tree with wrapped presents underneath it in the lobby of the police station. It was just too much temptation for our bozo to resist. Security footage shows him picking up an armload of presents as he headed for the door. It didn’t take him long to realize that what he had picked up were simply empty boxes, just wrapped to make a nice holiday display. Footage also shows him tossing the boxes back toward the police station in frustration. Cops say since he stole nothing of value no further charges will be filed. Consider that your Christmas gift from the police department!

Well, Maybe He Just Really, Really Didn’t Like the Picture

Bozo criminal for today comes from Riverside, California, where the annual Festival of Lights celebration was in full swing. Our bozo approached a caricature artist and asked him to sketch a portrait of him. We’re not sure whether or not our bozo liked the portrait, but instead of taking it, he grabbed the artist’s money bag and fled with around $500 in cash. Police have a nice portrait of a bozo with exaggerated features and an oversized head to use as they try to identify our thief.

Guess Who’s Spending Christmas in Jail

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sparta, Wisconsin, where a family came home and noticed their dog barking in front of the closet door. When they tried to open the door and couldn’t, they noticed fingers reaching out from under the door, holding it shut. And that’s when our bozo shouted out “Ho, Ho, Ho,” and warned the family not to ruin their Christmas surprise by opening the door. Figuring this wasn’t Santa in the closet, they called 911. When they cops arrived, they found no one inside the closet but did discover footprints in the snow leading from the home to a garage next door. Officers got the entry code for the garage door and when they opened it, someone inside hit the button to close it. This happened several times until one officer was able to distract our bozo, allowing the cops inside. Our would be Santa was busted and charged with suspicion of trespassing and resisting or obstructing an officer.

He Should Have Picked a Hybrid

Bozo criminal for today comes from Elkhart, Indiana, violated Bozo Rule Number 112292: If you’re going on the run from the cops, it’s a good idea to have a full tank of gas. Police received a call from a man who said his car had been stolen. Authorities were able to track it using the car’s GPS and a chase ensued. The suspect fled out of Indiana and into Michigan when suddenly he began slowing down and finally came to a complete stop. Yep, our bozo car thief had failed to check the gas gauge and was out of fuel. Busted! And since he fled across state lines, he’s facing charges in both states.

If Only He’d Joined AAA

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randall Shimoda for sending in today’s report from Steuben County, Indiana, where officers stopped to help a motorist in need. Our bozo, standing next to a Toyota Corolla on the side of the road with a flat tire, told the cops he was unable to change the tire and needed a tow. Sure, the officers said…just let us get the license plate number and we’ll help you out with that. And that’s when things began to go downhill. They noticed the license plate was rather strange. In fact, the “plate” was hand written on a brown paper grocery bag. Oops. A quick check of the VIN number found the car reported as stolen. And as for our bozo? He had no drivers license and was on probation for grand larceny. Busted! Charged with Possession of Stolen Property, a Level 5 Felony, and Operating Without Ever Obtaining a License, a Level C Misdemeanor.

Surprised They Didn’t Take The Roast Beast Too

Bozo criminals for today from Red Bluff, California win our official Grinch award. Cops were called to the nonprofit Children First Family Foster Agency on a report of a large number of toys for needy kids at Christmas bring stolen. It was a quick investigation as surveillance video showed our bozos removing the toys from the business and taking them into a residence next door. After matching our bozos up to the video and finding the toys in their home, our bozos were placed under arrest, charged with burglary, theft and breaking and entering. Merry Christmas!

This Darn Phone Never Works!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jennings County, Indiana, where our bozo showed up at a cell phone store, asking to return his phone, which he had conveniently boxed up for shipping. Employees explained they would have to check the phone before returning it and when they opened the box they found not a phone but…a glass pipe used for smoking methamphetamine. Oops. The cops were called and, after more meth was found in his possession he was busted!

It’s a Family Tradition

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jackson County, Kansas, where bozo Dean Carver was pulled over for a traffic violation. After it was discovered he had a suspended license and the SUV was reported as stolen, he was taken to jail. A few hours later, the cops pulled over another SUV. A quick check found the driver had a familiar name. Further investigation found this vehicle was reported as stolen also. It seems our incarcerated bozo had called his brother to get him to come to the jail and bail him out. And he did what any bozo would do…he commandeered a stolen vehicle to do the job. Busted! He’s joined his brother in jail.

Let Go My Legos!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Flagler County, Florida where police were on the trail of a serial shoplifter. Security camera footage caught him stealing over a thousand dollars worth of merchandise from Target stores during the month of September. Officers were on high alert for him and he was nabbed when he tried to pull another heist at a Target store. Did we mention what he was stealing? Legos. Yep, Legos. Guess he was getting ready for Christmas a little early. He’s busted!

And You Can Stuff That Ticket!

Our post Thanksgiving Bozo Report for today features a turkey that at least one man is glad escaped the dinner table over the holiday. Our unidentified bozo was pulled over for speeding by the cops in Livermore, California. The officer was preparing to issue the man a ticket when a wild turkey approached. The aggressive bird kept pecking at the cop finally causing the officer to think better of writing the ticket, letting our bozo go with just a warning.

A Classic Case of Being In the Wrong Place At the Wrong Time

Bozo criminals for today come from Livingston County, Michigan, where the local cops were working with grocery stores in their annual “Cram a Cruiser” charity event to collect food for local food banks. It’s a nice event and over 18,000 pounds of non-perishable food items and $3000 in cash and gift cards were collected. Also collected were two bozos who decided that the event would provide a perfect time to shoplift $2500 in items from the store. Bad idea. The officers noticed what was going on and arrested our bozos as they pushed their carts full of loot out the front door. So it wasn’t just food that was “crammed into the cruiser.”