Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

We’ve Heard of Sharing a Drink, But…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Peoria, Illinois. The cops received a report that a car had driven off the road and into a field and the driver might be intoxicated. When the officer arrived our bozo refused medical treatment four times and, according to the officer, smelled of alcohol and seemed to be intoxicated. When he asked our bozo to step out of the car he began babbling incoherently and when the officer attempted to place handcuffs on him, he began to cry. After failing a field sobriety test, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cop that his breath smelled like alcohol because he had been “making out with his girlfriend” and she had been drinking. Sorry, cross-contamination doesn’t apply here. He’s busted, charged with DUI and two traffic violations.

Hey, That’s Not Lint!

Before we get to today’s report, a special Bozo Report Salute to whoever came up with the state of South Dakota’s new slogan in the ongoing war against drugs. Over an outline of the great state of South Dakota, in bold print, the new slogan, “Meth. We’re on it.” Rewrite!!! Now, on to today’s story from St. Petersburg, Florida, where the cops arrested 5-foot-9, 380 pound bozo Martin Simpson after officers caught him with a 28-gauge needle full of drugs at the local McDonalds. The poor soul who drew the job of doing a full body search at headquarters noticed a plastic bagging sticking out of his belly button. Further inspection found it to contain methamphetamine. His excuse, he was “just being dumb and not thinking.” We would agree.

Maybe He Wanted a Really Unique Christmas Present For His Dog

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bozeman, Montana, where our bozo was involved in a hit and run. But in this case, what was “hit” was a fire hydrant. Cops were called to the scene where they found someone had indeed rammed their vehicle into a fire hydrant. That, in itself, is not too unusual. It was what happened afterward that landed him in the Bozo Report. Apparently, after the fire hydrant was broken off, our bozo somehow grabbed it and threw it into his car before speeding away. Take the evidence with you, right? Wrong. He took the hydrant but he left behind the bumper of his Dodge Nitro. Oops. Police say the hydrant is valued at $1500 and if our bozo would simply return it they would consider making a deal for a lesser charge.

Blowin’ In the Wind

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Fort Pierce, Florida. Our bozo was pulled over for driving erratically and, when the officer took a look inside the car, he spotted an open can of Budweiser and an apparent drug pipe. Further investigation turned up a plastic bag with what appeared to be cocaine residue inside. It was then that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He first said the police must have planted it, and then said that perhaps the wind had blown it into the car. That one’s not gonna work. He’s busted! We have no report of the wind speed at the time of the arrest.

Hot Wheels!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Orange County, Florida. Let’s consider this scenario. You’re a bozo looking for a car to steal. Where do you go? Maybe a Walmart parking lot? Nope. Perhaps someone’s driveway? Nah. The Orange County Sheriff’s Office parking lot? Hey, sounds like a plan. Apparently that’s what happened. Our bozo hot wired a sergeant’s truck and got it out on the highway before being apprehended. She’s under arrest, charged with grand theft.

His Excuse, “I Forgot”

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sydney, Australia, where our unidentified bozo had been suffering from chronic sinus infections for the past 18 years. Doctors performed a CT and discovered a foreign body in his nasal cavity. The object was removed and what was found was described as a “rubber capsule containing degenerate vegetable/plant matter.” Further research found that 18 years ago he was in prison and his girlfriend smuggled in some marijuana encased in a balloon. Our bozo stuffed it up his nose to avoid detection but crammed it in a little too far and was unable to remove it. And that’s where is stayed for the last 18 years. Authorities have declined to prosecute, saying the statute of limitationx has run out.

You Think He Was Speeding Then, Wait Until His Wife Finds Out What’s Going On

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tarpon Springs, Florida, where bozo Earl Parker was pulled over by the cops for doing 90 in a 55 MPH zone. When questioned by the officer he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the cop he was speeding because he “needed to get home in a hurry because he was cheating on his wife.” Well, OK then. When he was searched post-arrest, a baggie of crack cocaine was found in his shirt pocket. You can add felony drug possession charges to that speeding ticket. Busted!

But, Wait, Aren’t You Going To Look For My Weed?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Dekalb County, Alabama, where the cops received a 911 report of a theft at a local gas station. When they arrived they found a very agitated bozo who explained to the officers that someone had stolen his marijuana. OK. So, what’s that sticking out of your pocket? Pot? Nope. A baggie of cocaine and a pipe? Yep. Busted! He’s charged with possession of a controlled substance and drug paraphernalia. No word on the fate of the missing pot.

Step Away From the Car and Put Down That Chicken!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oak Creek, Wisconsin, where the cops received a report of a reckless driver. Police responding to the scene found our bozo behind the wheel of a gray Nissan, driving 20-30 MPH and swerving all over the road. A visual on the vehicle indicated our bozo was not alone. He had a live chicken sitting on his shoulder. He and the bird were pulled over. He was charged with DUI and the bird was released into protective custody.

The New System Is Off To a Good Start

No real criminal activity involved here but we couldn’t let this one go without mention. A train rider at a New York station noticed what appeared to be some suspicious packages sitting around inside the train station. The cops were called and service was disrupted while an investigation ensued. Indeed there were some six-foot-tall packages inside the station. But they weren’t as suspicious as it might seem. Turns out the boxes contained the Metro Transit Authority’s Help Point System, a brand new technology designed to…wait for it…allow consumers to report suspicious packages. The boxes were removed and train service resumed with only a short delay.

Well, You Gotta Run a Test Sheet!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Limestone County, Alabama. Garbage collectors there noticed something unusual in a trash pickup outside our bozo’s house. Large trash bags filled with paper. Printed paper. The curious garbage man took a closer look and found the sheets of paper were actually printed $20 bills. Apparently our would-be bozo counterfeiter was running a little test to get his fake bills just right. The bags were turned over to the cops who discovered that our bozo was a bit of a recycler, also. One of the fake bills was printed on the back of an Alabama Pardons and Paroles receipt issued to our bozo back in August. Oops. He’s busted and booked into jail on felony counterfeiting charges.

Only Time Will Tell If the T-Shirt Is Right

Bozo criminal for today comes from Crystal City Missouri, where a laundromat was burglarized and about $600 taken from a vending machine. Not Bozo Report material, you say? Correct, except for one small detail. The laundromat had security cameras which got a good picture of our bozo doing the deed. And it was his choice of attire that landed him in the Bozo spotlight. His T-Shirt was emblazoned with the phrase, “It’s not a crime unless you get caught.” Armed with photographic evidence, cops hope to make an arrest soon.

Well, At Least He Did the Right Thing

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kankakee, Illinois, where the local sheriff’s department has a tradition of posting pictures of fugitives on its Facebook page on “Warrant Wednesday.” This week, Warrant Wednesday just happened to fall on the day before Halloween and one of the pictures posted was of Brandon Conrad, who was wanted on a drunk driving charge. Our bozo was inspired to reply to the post, saying, “Where’s my costume?” The cops obliged and photoshopped a cute little sailor’s outfit on his mugshot, along with the challenge that since they did their part, he should do his by turning himself in. Surprisingly, our bozo responded that he would be there by noon and to have the paperwork ready. He did and he’s now under arrest.