Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

I Never Dreamed They Would Check the Attic

Bozo criminal for today violated the original Bozo Rule: It’s not a good idea to challenge the cops. From Wharton, Texas, comes the story of bozo Jason Morales who was wanted by the cops on a burglary charge. After a detective called him and suggested that he turn himself in, he said he would, but only when he “felt like it.” He went on to say that the cops would have to find him first and he didn’t think they were up to the challenge. Bad idea. So, if you’ve challenged the cops to find you, perhaps you’d flee the area? Nope. Become a master of disguise and change your look? Too much trouble. Hide in the attic of your house, the first place the cops would look? Yep. Einstein is under arrest.

No Payee, No Takee

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Coventry, England where bozo Daniel Blake walked into the local McDonalds, told the person behind the counter he was armed and demanded cash. The clerk replied that the only way he could open the cash drawer was if our bozo first purchased something. OK. He ordered a cheeseburger and gave the clerk cash to pay for it. He then made his getaway with lunch and about $170. A pretty successful day, right? Wrong. He tried the same trick again later in the day and the cops were on alert and captured him. Busted!

Taking Off the Dress Was His First Mistake

Bozo criminal for today comes from Casselberry, Florida, where bozo Gerardo Ramirez donned a gold dress and a red wig and held up a bank. He stuffed the cash in his backpack, walked out and ditched his disguise behind a bush. Things were going smoothly except for one small detail. A passing Seminole County deputy saw the whole thing and gave chase. A foot chase ensued with our bozo eventually circling back and stealing the deputy’s idling cruiser. Soon, he was being chased by several other deputies and he eventually crashed into another vehicle. Busted! Charged with battery on an officer, resisting an officer with violence and robbery with a firearm.

He’s a Really Big Fan of Jethro Tull

Bozo criminal for today comes from Janesville, Wisconsin, where our bozo walked into the Voigt Music Center. After milling around for awhile, he picked up a flute and stuffed it down the back of his pants. Yep, he tried to hide the flute in his butt crack. Unfortunately, the whole thing was done right in front of security cameras. The clerk confronted him as he attempted to leave, asking him what he had in his pants. Our bozo replied, “I got a flute, and that’s where I keep my flute.” After she pointed out that the price tag was still on it, our bozo surrendered the flute and left. Faced with what to do with a soiled glute flute, the store owner decided against ever trying to sell it again. He had the $500 flute made into a lamp.

I Just Wanted To Go To the Courthouse, But YOU Wanted a Big Wedding

Bozo criminal for today comes from Groveton, Texas, where bozo Gary Brown walked into the local bank, threatened the teller, and got away with an undisclosed amount of cash. So far, so good. Things started to unravel when the cops posted a security camera picture of our bozo on their Facebook page. His fiancee saw the picture and called our bozo to ask him what was going on. After initially denying it, our bozo decided to ‘fess up. Yep, that was him. He went on to explain that he needed the cash to pay for the ring and the venue for their upcoming wedding. Awww. He’s just a hopeless romantic. They’ll have to put the wedding off for awhile. She convinced him to give himself up. He’s under arrest, charged with bank robbery.

Another Example That the PD Is Not Running a Drug Testing Service

Bozo criminal for today comes from Toney, Alabama, where bozo Jennifer Hastings called the sheriffs office and requested that some officers be sent over to help her with a problem. When deputies arrived, our bozo pulled out a baggie of what appeared to be meth, threw it on the table and said, “I want this dope tested.” She went on to explain that she thought the meth was contaminated with another substance. While the officers appreciated her honesty, she was nevertheless busted, charged with possession of a controlled substance.

Crocs + Crocs = Epic Fail

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Augustine, Florida, home of the Alligator Farm Zoological Park. Cops were called around 6:50 in the morning to a report of a man, clad only in his underwear, crawling in a yard near the park. About that same time, someone from the park also called the cops to report a pair of Crocs shoes and a pair of shorts floating in one of the park’s alligator ponds. There was also a bloody trail leading to the top of a 20-foot structure near the pond. It didn’t take much detective work to put two and two together. When the cops found our bozo, clad only in his boxer shorts, he claimed that he had been “bitten by an alligator.” He later admitted that he had broken into the park to swim with the alligators, had been attacked, and climbed up the structure to escape. Video footage showed a nine foot gator attacking him as he tried to get away, losing his shorts and Crocs in the process. Busted! Charged with burglary and criminal mischief.

Strike Four, You’re Out!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Indian River County, Florida. Our bozo found himself locked out of his vehicle, so he did what any bozo would do, he called 911 for help. Not once, not twice, but three times within a five minute period. Officials verified no children or animals were locked in the vehicle, so it was not considered an emergency situation. He was advised to call a non-emergency number for help. When he continued to demand that the cops unlock his car, it was determined that the car was registered to another person. Officers are only allowed to unlock a car for the registered owner. End of story, right? Nope. Mr. Persistent waited until after the cop had left and called 911 again, repeating his demands. This time when the officer returned, our bozo was arrested for abuse of 911. No word on whether the car was ever unlocked.