Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

He Just Really, Really Likes Donuts

Our bozo for today from Elizabeth City, North Carolina is a rare two time bozo. You may remember bozo Bradley Harrison was arrested a few years back after he won a donut eating contest at a police event during National Night Out. Officers recognized him at the event as someone they’d been looking for in connection with a couple of felony burglaries. Apparently he still hasn’t learned his lesson. He’s been arrested again and charged with felony breaking and entering and felony safe cracking in connection with a burglary at a local business. And that local business? Dunkin Donuts. Busted!

He Should Have Stuck With Red Bull

Bozo criminal for today comes from Van Buren, Arkansas, where the cops received a 911 call reporting a case of underage drinking at a residence. When they arrived, a young man came out with his hands up. The cops observed that he seemed to be a little drunk, but not to the point of passing out, so they encouraged him to just go back inside and sleep it off. When he declined, they asked to talk to the person who had called in the report. And that’s when our bozo said, “Me.” Right. The 18-year-old had apparently been drinking alone at home and started feeling guilty so he called the cops on himself. Once again, the cops told him to just go back inside. Once again he refused. Under Arkansas law, anyone charged with public intoxication must be jailed for a minimum of six hours, so he was hauled off to jail.

There’s Gotta Be a “D” Somewhere!!!

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in West Midlands, England. Our bozo team broke into a residence and stole numerous items, including handbags, jewelry, watches and luggage, which they loaded into their getaway car. Then, they noticed something even more valuable. The key fob to a Ferrari 488. Now, we know you’re expecting this to be a typical “bozos don’t know how to drive stick” story, but you’d be wrong. This Ferrari was an automatic. But, being an exotic car, the automatic wasn’t as simple as PRN and D. Our bozos figured out how to get it into reverse and backed out of the driveway. But, once they got into the street, try as they may, they just couldn’t find the “D” button. After trying for several minutes, they gave up and left the car sitting in the road. Police have DNA evidence from the scene and hope to make an arrest soon.

Well, I Knew It Didn’t Look Right

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Craigavon, Northern Ireland. Our bozo called the cops to complain that she’d been duped…spending $260 for what she thought was cocaine. Now, we’ve had this sort of complaint before but it was what our bozo dealer had used as the “fake” cocaine that caused this story to end up in the bozo report. Apparently, the “cocaine” was brown sugar. Not a sweet deal at all.

He Would Have Gotten Away If Only There Had Been Some Vines To Swing On

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sulphur, Louisiana, where the cops were called to a report of a prowler wearing an all-black outfit. After searching the area for a while, the cops caught a glimpse of the dark clad intruder, and, when he ignored an order to stop, followed him into a residence. They found him inside, hiding under a mattress. But it was his choice of garb that led to his inclusion in the Bozo Hall of Fame. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he was wearing a full gorilla suit, including face mask. He was charged with multiple offenses, including unauthorized entry of an inhabited dwelling, methamphetamine possession, resisting a police officer with violence or force, and wearing a mask or hood in public.

A Very Slippery Situation

Bozo criminal for today comes from Waterville, Maine, where a recent cold snap turned out to be our crook’s downfall. Literally. It seems bozo Jason Mitchell had plans for robbing the Bangor State Bank. He walked in, demanded cash, got it and fled, running across four lanes of traffic. So far, so good. Now, if he can just make it across the parking lot he should be home free. But…that parking lot was icy and our bozo slipped and fell, dropping his gun and sending money flying everywhere. Still not a problem, right? Just pick yourself up, gather up the cash and continue on your way. Right. Except for one small thing. A state police lieutenant just happened to be in the parking lot at the same time and saw everything. Oops. The cop tackled our bozo and held him down until support arrived. Turns out he was already on probation for burglary. He’s busted!

Sometimes You’ve Just Gotta Have a Pepsi

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Sebastian, Florida, where bozo Matthew Anderson was pulled over for speeding. Officers report our bozo was doing 80 MPH and passing cars on the shoulder of U.S. 1. A quick check also found that he had been pulled over by the cops in a neighboring county less than an hour before. His Bozo Excuse? He told the cops he was “thirsty” and wanted a Pepsi. Sorry, that one won’t work. He was placed under arrest.

This Stiff Was Really Stiff

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in London, England, where police received a strange emergency call. Someone reported seeing a person that appeared to be dead just inside the doors of a locked building. Cops rushed to the scene and saw what appeared to be a corpse near the entrance of the Factory Art Gallery. They quickly sprang into action, breaking down the door as paramedics stood by ready to spring into action. Unfortunately, the “corpse” turned out to be made of clothing and wires and was part of a modern art exhibit. Oops. Perhaps this particular exhibit should be moved a little further inside the gallery.

Doesn’t Anybody Have a Post It Note?

Bozo criminals for today come from Grand Rapids, Michigan, where our two bozo brothers were arrested on a bank robbery charge. It seems they walked into the Huntington bank, passed the teller a note and demanded cash after threatening the teller with a weapon. Sounds like a pretty well executed crime, right? Wrong. Apparently scrap paper was in short supply that day so one of the bozos wrote the hold up note on a piece of paper he found in his pocket. And that paper just happened to be a federal probation office form with a date on it. And that date just happened to be the day that one of our bozos visited his probation officer there. Oops. They’ve been sentenced to 50 years in prison.

Wait…Have the Chinese Bought Canada Now?

Our bozos for today come from the International File in Leamington, Ontario, Canada where the cops were puzzled by a report of some rather strange counterfeit bills that were being passed around town. The phony money was a Canadian $20 with a nice picture of the queen on the front, along with the Maple Leaf. So far, so good. And then there were those Chinese characters, in pink. Huh? Yep, they were obviously fake $20s made in China where such currency is sometimes burned in ceremonies during important festivals, such as the Lunar New Year. No word on how many of these fakes were successfully passed before someone caught on.

But It’s My Birthday!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Salt Lake City, Utah, where police officers were called to a report of a reckless driver. The cops talked to witnesses who said a man had attempted to hit their trucks with his vehicle and they had to swerve off the road to avoid an accident. They also said that at one point the man stopped, dropped his pants, and mooned them. While interviewing one of the victims, the officer noticed a car approaching at a high rate of speed. Yep, our bozo had returned. The cop had to quickly get out of the way and as our bozo sped by he flipped the bird at the officer. A high speed chase ensued with our bozo making it to his home, where he ran into a shed to hide. He was removed and placed under arrest. His excuse that he was celebrating his 66th birthday probably won’t fly with the judge.

At Least Go To a Different Pawn Shop

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Portland, Oregon. Our bozo walked into a pawn shop and asked to see a 1 carat diamond ring, priced at $12,000. Security cameras caught him snatching the ring from an employee’s hand, and, after a brief scuffle, fleeing the store. End of story, right? Nope. One day later, our bozo returned to another location of the pawn shop in a different part of town and tried to pawn the ring. Bad idea. The manager recognized the ring and refused to give it back to our bozo who fled the store empty handed. Police hope to use security camera video to make an arrest soon.

He Lost Control and Went Into a Squid

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Devon County, England, where the cops were called to a report of a car in the ditch. Upon arrival, they found the vehicle upside down on the side of the road. Our bozo driver, who was uninjured, was questioned about the incident and that’s when he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he was driving down the road, minding his own business, when he swerved to avoid an octopus in the road. Yes, an octopus. We should note that said octopus would have had to have crawled over 3 miles of hills and fields to make it to the highway. The cops dutifully searched for the octopus to no avail. Our bozo has been charged with suspected DUI.

Will He Also File For Pain and Suffering?

Our bozo for today comes from the International File, Jurisprudence Division. Officials in India were shocked when bozo Raphael Samuel announced his plans to sue his parents. His claim: Since he was conceived without his permission, his parents should pay him for his life. Essentially he is saying that his parents should pay him to live. His parents are both lawyers so the trial should be interesting.

Someone Grab the Raid

No real criminal activity in today’s report from Rogers County, Oklahoma, where the county courthouse was shut down for a rather unusual reason. Bedbugs. But it was the source of the bedbugs that merits a bozo report. Apparently one of the lawyers came to court with bedbugs literally falling out of his clothing. He also allegedly shook bedbugs all over the prosecutors files. Court was shut down and exterminators were called to fumigate the 90,000 square foot building. No word on the fate of the lawyer.

Next Time Pull That Headband Down Over Your Eyes

Bozo criminal for today comes from Swansea, South Carolina, where our bozo thief had a rather unusual approach to stealing a purse. He is seen on video at a BP gas station striking the familiar one-legged pose that Mr. Miyagi used in the Karate Kid before stealing a purse from an unattended car. He then strikes the same pose before heading back to his vehicle and driving away. Not so fast, Grasshopper (that’s another show…I know….). Cops were able to get a clear shot of his face while he was striking the pose which led to his identification and arrest.

But, Breakfast Is the Most Important Meal of the Day…

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where our bozo broke into a residence around 2:30 am. The family dog started barking and the homeowner gave chase, but was too late, as our bozo grabbed the car keys and sped away. End of story, right? Well, not exactly. Around 7:30 am our bozo returned the car, parking it in front of a residence nearby. The cops found the car and inside the likely reason for the theft. A receipt for a breakfast burrito from a nearby McDonalds. Cops have an image of our bozo from a doorbell cam and hope it will lead to an arrest.