Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

First, Stake Out the Bathrooms

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Pinellas Park, Florida. Cops were called to a report of a home burglary, where our bozo took a bottle of pills labeled “hydrocodone” from a “lock box” in the residence. The homeowner reported that the bottle actually contained Equate Gentle Laxative rather than the opioid pills. Home security cameras helped to identify our bozo, who the cops knew to be a habitual offender. He was arrested and charged with felony breaking and entering charges.

I’ll Throw In a Lap Dance…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Kazan, Russia. Bozo Yula Kuzmina went to the bank seeking a loan for a new car. Bank security footage shows her in the office of a loan manager when he informs her she has been turned down. It was at this point that Yula shifted into Bozo bimbo mode. She stood up, took off her top and bra and shook her assets in front of the bank manager. Apparently those assets weren’t enough collateral to cover the loan, as the manager simply shook his head. He handed her jacket to her and showed her to the door. Guess stripping just doesn’t pay what it used to.

She Broke My Prized Spidey!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Madison, Wisconsin, where the cops responded to a 911 call of a man on a rampage with an ax. When police arrived, they found a trail of destruction…a TV and stand, laptop computer and several other items had been chopped up in the house. And then our bozo moved outside, where he took the ax to a car, chopping off both mirrors before finally striking the windshield with such force that the ax became stuck. So just what was going on here? The man who called 911 admitted to doing the damage himself, after flying into a blind rage when his wife damaged some of his prized action figures. Yep, he destroyed his own property all because his wife broke one of his toys. He admitted he might have overreacted and was taken to jail on disorderly conduct and felony damage to property charges.

P, N, R, D…It’s All So Confusing!

We have had numerous reports of would be bozo car thieves who were thwarted because they couldn’t drive a manual transmission vehicle but today’s report from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is our first known report of a bozo who couldn’t drive an automatic. Police say a man had stopped at his grandmother’s house and gotten out of his car to take some food inside. That’s when our bozo approached, flashed a gun and ordered the passenger out of the still running vehicle. Our bozo then jumped in, revved the engine numerous times but, according to the cops, didn’t go anywhere because the car was in park at the time. After several more attempts, our bozo got out and fled on foot, perhaps heading to the nearest student driver school.

Yeah, and Those Trees Tried To Hit Me, Too

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Michael McPherson for sending in today’s report from Knoxville, Tennessee. The cops were called after a report of an incident on a residential street. Witnesses reported seeing our bozo run into several cars parked on the street before driving away. One of the witnesses followed the woman home and reported her address to the cops. When officers knocked on the door, she appeared inebriated. Upon further questioning, she admitted to drinking half a pint of vodka and smoking half a marijuana blunt before driving. But it was when they asked about the car crashing incident that she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She said the police were mistaken. Those parked cars had actually crashed into her. Oh. No one was buying that story. She’s busted and sentenced to a year in jail.

He Just Didn’t Have the Horsepower to Get Away

Bozo criminal for today comes from Volusia County, Florida, where our unidentified bozo jumped out of his vehicle and made a break for it after being pulled over for a traffic stop. A police helicopter with a thermal imaging camera was brought in to track him after he jumped a fence and disappeared into a field. What the cops saw on the camera was not what they expected. Our bozo had climbed the fence only to be encountered by a herd of horses. After being chased around for the horses for a while, he thought better of his idea and jumped back over the fence whereupon he was apprehended by a K-9 officer. Giddyap!

Check On the Whereabouts of the Heat Miser

Bozo criminals for today come from Petersburg, Kentucky, where the recent large snowfall inspired a family to build a large snowman. A really large snowman, over 9 feet tall. And of course a snowman that tall is bound to attract a lot of attention, some of it coming from our unidentified bozos. They decided that the snowman was just too big to resist vandalizing. So, they drove their vehicle up into the yard planning on mowing Frosty down. Only one problem. The big snowman’s base wasn’t just snow. He was anchored by a large stump covered with the white stuff. And you know who wins when a car runs up against a stump. Yep. The stump. Police have clear tire tracks leading to the snowman but no leads on the Frosty perps just yet. And, by the way, the snowman is still standing.

That’s One Big Belly Roll!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Memphis, Tennessee, where bozo Frederick Donovan was arrested after causing a disturbance at the local Greyhound Bus station. Officers found two folding knives, a taser, multiple bags of what appeared to be drugs, and a woman’s social security card on our bozo in a preliminary search. Once at the jail they asked him if he had any other contraband on his person and he replied that he did not. During another pat down an officer noticed something protruding from a roll of fat on his body. Further inspection found a 24 inch machete hidden under his belly roll. And the roll of fat was apparently so thick that even the jail’s metal detectors didn’t turn it up. The weapon was retrieved and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Up In Smoke

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where our 21-year-old bozo took an Uber ride but forgot to grab his backpack when he got out. No problem. Just email Uber and arrange to pick it up, right? One small problem. The Uber driver took a look inside the bag and discovered why our bozo wanted it back so badly. It contained two pounds of high quality marijuana, which has a street value in the thousands. He called the cops and told them what was going on. A officer called our bozo and set up a meeting at a nearby McDonalds to return the bag, even sending a picture of the bag for confirmation. First thing our bozo said to the undercover officer, “How much of this did you guys smoke?” He’s busted!

We’re Going To Ask You To Take Your Business Elsewhere

Our bozo for today from Wichita Falls, Texas could be part of a typical day at your friendly neighborhood Walmart, but this offender ended up facing the cops. Officers received a call from the Walmart manager about a suspicious person in the parking lot. The manager said our unidentified bozo had been drinking wine from a Pringles can for several hours while riding her motorized scooter around the parking lot. When the cops arrived, they found our bozo had made her way to a restaurant nearby. They informed her that she had officially been banned from Walmart.

But He Won’t Answer My Calls!

It’s been a busy week for the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. Today’s forlorn lovebird comes from West Wyoming, Pennsylvania. Apparently Ashley Carter had a thing for a police officer and had been after him since he arrested her last year. He had ignored her requests for a date, so she did what any bozo would do in such a situation. She headed to the police department around 12:45 am, grabbed a large cigarette butt receptacle, and smashed the glass front door. Security cameras showed her inside, rifling through filing cabinets. Don’t know for sure what she was looking for, but she found a one-way ticket to jail, charged with aggravated assault on a police officer, burglary and vandalism.

Honestly, I Have No Idea How They Got Up There!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Pinellas County, Florida, where bozo Wesley Tucker was arrested on an outstanding warrant for drug possession. When he arrived at the county jail, he was subjected to a strip search which turned up something rather surprising. Concealed in his rectum were three syringes. It was when the officers questioned him about the syringes that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Month…he said they were not his. OK. You’ll have to find a better excuse than that, pal. He’s been charged with bringing contraband into a correctional facility, a felony.

It May Have Been a Buck, But She’s Full of Bull

Our story for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. It seems our unidentified bozo-ette was trolling the dating site Bumble and struck up a conversation with a guy she seemed to have a lot in common with. During the course of the back and forth texting, she bragged that she had just shot a large buck. Nothing wrong with that…except that her state’s hunting season was over. And the guy she was texting with was a game warden. Really. The officer quickly excused himself from the conversation. After tracking her down on social media, game wardens visited her home the next day. She’s been charged with hunting out of season and possessing game that was taken illegally. No word if, in spite of the problems, they were able to make a love connection.

Dummies For the Dummies

Bozo criminals for today come from the Macomb Correctional Facility in New Haven, Michigan. Our already jailed bozos had what seemed to be a classic plan for escaping…make dummies and place them in your bed so the guards won’t miss you. Good idea, right? Well, not exactly. It seems they had the dummy making part down, it was the escape part they hadn’t quite figured out. After the dummies were placed in their bunks, our two bozos took a stroll near the prison fence, apparently looking for an exit sign. They were quickly spotted by the guards. The dummies were discovered after a quick search of the cells and our bozos were locked back up.

But It Was Such a Nice Bike…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mannie Steglich for sending in today’s report from Gladstone, Oregon. Bozo Adam Davidson needed transportation, specifically a bicycle. He spotted a nice looking one, and, armed with bolt cutters, walked up to where the bike was parked. But, the chain was tougher than expected and video surveillance shows him struggling to cut the bike free for about 30 seconds. One other thing the video shows, the bike was parked in front of a window with the words “Gladstone Police” printed in big letters on it. Yep, he was trying to steal a police bicycle from right in front of the police station. Officers watching on video inside couldn’t believe what they were seeing. One of the cops came out and placed him under arrest.

First, Put On Mask, THEN Enter Store

Bozo criminal for today comes from Roseville, Minnesota, where our bozo walked into a Dollar Tree, told the clerk he “wasn’t playing” and demanded cash. Then, our bozo realized he had forgotten something. His mask. He reached into his pocket and put it on, but it was too late. The clerk recognized him as the boyfriend of a store employee. He got away with some cash but it wasn’t long before the cops came calling. He was no longer wearing the mask, but he was still wearing the same Bob Marley hat he wore during the robbery. After a quick search turned up some cash and a note with “robbery” written on it he was arrested.

Sometimes You Just Need a Good Soak

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pike County, Ohio, where bozo Autum Simpson was in jail on heroin possession charges but managed to escape jail around 4am. A manhunt, or in this case a womanhunt, ensued, using a local police department, the local fire department, a helicopter and thermal imaging equipment. All of this technology failed to turn up a trace of our bozo. Then, at 6:50pm , the cops received a call from the Bristol Village Activity Center. The caller said a woman wearing a yellow prison jumpsuit was sitting in the center’s hot tub. And that’s exactly where the officers found her. Hope she enjoyed the soothing waters. She’s back in jail.