Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

Check On the Whereabouts of the Heat Miser

Bozo criminals for today come from Petersburg, Kentucky, where the recent large snowfall inspired a family to build a large snowman. A really large snowman, over 9 feet tall. And of course a snowman that tall is bound to attract a lot of attention, some of it coming from our unidentified bozos. They decided that the snowman was just too big to resist vandalizing. So, they drove their vehicle up into the yard planning on mowing Frosty down. Only one problem. The big snowman’s base wasn’t just snow. He was anchored by a large stump covered with the white stuff. And you know who wins when a car runs up against a stump. Yep. The stump. Police have clear tire tracks leading to the snowman but no leads on the Frosty perps just yet. And, by the way, the snowman is still standing.

That’s One Big Belly Roll!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Memphis, Tennessee, where bozo Frederick Donovan was arrested after causing a disturbance at the local Greyhound Bus station. Officers found two folding knives, a taser, multiple bags of what appeared to be drugs, and a woman’s social security card on our bozo in a preliminary search. Once at the jail they asked him if he had any other contraband on his person and he replied that he did not. During another pat down an officer noticed something protruding from a roll of fat on his body. Further inspection found a 24 inch machete hidden under his belly roll. And the roll of fat was apparently so thick that even the jail’s metal detectors didn’t turn it up. The weapon was retrieved and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Up In Smoke

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where our 21-year-old bozo took an Uber ride but forgot to grab his backpack when he got out. No problem. Just email Uber and arrange to pick it up, right? One small problem. The Uber driver took a look inside the bag and discovered why our bozo wanted it back so badly. It contained two pounds of high quality marijuana, which has a street value in the thousands. He called the cops and told them what was going on. A officer called our bozo and set up a meeting at a nearby McDonalds to return the bag, even sending a picture of the bag for confirmation. First thing our bozo said to the undercover officer, “How much of this did you guys smoke?” He’s busted!

We’re Going To Ask You To Take Your Business Elsewhere

Our bozo for today from Wichita Falls, Texas could be part of a typical day at your friendly neighborhood Walmart, but this offender ended up facing the cops. Officers received a call from the Walmart manager about a suspicious person in the parking lot. The manager said our unidentified bozo had been drinking wine from a Pringles can for several hours while riding her motorized scooter around the parking lot. When the cops arrived, they found our bozo had made her way to a restaurant nearby. They informed her that she had officially been banned from Walmart.

But He Won’t Answer My Calls!

It’s been a busy week for the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. Today’s forlorn lovebird comes from West Wyoming, Pennsylvania. Apparently Ashley Carter had a thing for a police officer and had been after him since he arrested her last year. He had ignored her requests for a date, so she did what any bozo would do in such a situation. She headed to the police department around 12:45 am, grabbed a large cigarette butt receptacle, and smashed the glass front door. Security cameras showed her inside, rifling through filing cabinets. Don’t know for sure what she was looking for, but she found a one-way ticket to jail, charged with aggravated assault on a police officer, burglary and vandalism.

Honestly, I Have No Idea How They Got Up There!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Pinellas County, Florida, where bozo Wesley Tucker was arrested on an outstanding warrant for drug possession. When he arrived at the county jail, he was subjected to a strip search which turned up something rather surprising. Concealed in his rectum were three syringes. It was when the officers questioned him about the syringes that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Month…he said they were not his. OK. You’ll have to find a better excuse than that, pal. He’s been charged with bringing contraband into a correctional facility, a felony.

It May Have Been a Buck, But She’s Full of Bull

Our story for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. It seems our unidentified bozo-ette was trolling the dating site Bumble and struck up a conversation with a guy she seemed to have a lot in common with. During the course of the back and forth texting, she bragged that she had just shot a large buck. Nothing wrong with that…except that her state’s hunting season was over. And the guy she was texting with was a game warden. Really. The officer quickly excused himself from the conversation. After tracking her down on social media, game wardens visited her home the next day. She’s been charged with hunting out of season and possessing game that was taken illegally. No word if, in spite of the problems, they were able to make a love connection.

Dummies For the Dummies

Bozo criminals for today come from the Macomb Correctional Facility in New Haven, Michigan. Our already jailed bozos had what seemed to be a classic plan for escaping…make dummies and place them in your bed so the guards won’t miss you. Good idea, right? Well, not exactly. It seems they had the dummy making part down, it was the escape part they hadn’t quite figured out. After the dummies were placed in their bunks, our two bozos took a stroll near the prison fence, apparently looking for an exit sign. They were quickly spotted by the guards. The dummies were discovered after a quick search of the cells and our bozos were locked back up.

But It Was Such a Nice Bike…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mannie Steglich for sending in today’s report from Gladstone, Oregon. Bozo Adam Davidson needed transportation, specifically a bicycle. He spotted a nice looking one, and, armed with bolt cutters, walked up to where the bike was parked. But, the chain was tougher than expected and video surveillance shows him struggling to cut the bike free for about 30 seconds. One other thing the video shows, the bike was parked in front of a window with the words “Gladstone Police” printed in big letters on it. Yep, he was trying to steal a police bicycle from right in front of the police station. Officers watching on video inside couldn’t believe what they were seeing. One of the cops came out and placed him under arrest.

First, Put On Mask, THEN Enter Store

Bozo criminal for today comes from Roseville, Minnesota, where our bozo walked into a Dollar Tree, told the clerk he “wasn’t playing” and demanded cash. Then, our bozo realized he had forgotten something. His mask. He reached into his pocket and put it on, but it was too late. The clerk recognized him as the boyfriend of a store employee. He got away with some cash but it wasn’t long before the cops came calling. He was no longer wearing the mask, but he was still wearing the same Bob Marley hat he wore during the robbery. After a quick search turned up some cash and a note with “robbery” written on it he was arrested.

Sometimes You Just Need a Good Soak

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pike County, Ohio, where bozo Autum Simpson was in jail on heroin possession charges but managed to escape jail around 4am. A manhunt, or in this case a womanhunt, ensued, using a local police department, the local fire department, a helicopter and thermal imaging equipment. All of this technology failed to turn up a trace of our bozo. Then, at 6:50pm , the cops received a call from the Bristol Village Activity Center. The caller said a woman wearing a yellow prison jumpsuit was sitting in the center’s hot tub. And that’s exactly where the officers found her. Hope she enjoyed the soothing waters. She’s back in jail.