Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

But Officer, I Know My Way Home, So I Don’t Really Need To See Out the Windshield

Our bozo for today comes from Abilene, Texas, where our unidentified perp purchased a new washing machine. OK. Step one, purchase washer. Step two, load it into Jeep Liberty SUV. So maybe place it inside the back cargo area of the SUV? Nope. Well, the Liberty has a roof rack, maybe put it up there? No way. Strap it to the hood of the car so that it effectively blocks the driver’s view of the highway? Sure, why not? And that’s exactly what our bozo did, strap the big front loader on the hood of the jeep. He didn’t go very far before he was pulled over and ticketed by the cops. No word on whether or not the washer ever made it to his house.

This is NOT What Teddy Roosevelt Meant

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Reidsville, North Carolina. Bozo Kendrick Haynes walked into the local credit union carrying a large stick and announced that this was a robbery. He then jumped over a counter and grabbed an undisclosed amount of cash. Apparently the stick caused everyone to keep their distance, as he left without encountering any resistance. But that stick also made him rather easy to identify. The cops arrested him less than five minutes later, following a report of a “man with a big stick” in a grocery store parking lot. He’s busted!

Well, A Man Needs His Car

Bozo criminals for today come from Wheatland Township, Michigan. Police were called to a report of a break-in at a local self-storage facility. Upon arrival, they found several units ransacked and a suspicious vehicle sitting in the parking lot. A K-9 officer was brought in and two bozos were quickly apprehended in a cornfield nearby. A third was found about a mile away. Case closed, right? Well, not quite. The bozos told the cops there was another member of their gang who had not yet been captured. The trail had gone cold when six hours later the cops received a call from a man saying his car had been stolen. Yep. Bozo number four was looking for the car he had left at the burglary scene. All four are now under arrest.

Give Me Your Money. And Your Donuts!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Gainesville, Florida, where bozo Stephen Wilson walked into the local Krispy Kreme and made a strange request. He demanded $10s, $20s, and donuts. The clerk was so shocked she called another employee over and our bozo made the same demands. They then called a male colleague from the back and when our bozo made the same demands, the man simply told our bozo to take his business elsewhere. He left, but was found by the cops loitering nearby. He told the police he wanted an item of the “secret menu.” He’ll now get to try the secret menu at the county jail.

Well, I’ll Show You, Then!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Louisville, Kentucky, where Michael Lorenzo walked into the Family Dollar with the intent of shoplifting a pair of socks. Somewhere along the way, something went wrong and he attracted the attention of a store employee who called the cops. Feeling “antagonized” by the clerk, our bozo then grabbed 99 packs of Pokemon cards and some chopped ham and stuffed it down his pants. He had just exited the store when the cops arrived. The cops didn’t buy his excuse that the clerk had made him steal the items just “out of spite.” He’s busted!

But, I Always Use This Shortcut!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bath Township, Michigan, where traffic was slow along I-69 where crews were doing construction work. Our unidentified bozo wheels up on his motorcycle, ignored the flagman and drove past the traffic cones onto what looked like a clear stretch of roadway. It wasn’t. The crew had just poured a new roadbed of fresh cement and Mr. Bozo drove his bike right into it. Oops. The bike was immediately stuck but our bozo managed to flee on foot, leaving it behind. As soon as the cops catch up to him, he’ll be charged with disregarding traffic cones and leaving the scene of an accident.

If They Had Only Been Made With Crisco, They Would Have Been Light and Fluffy

Bozo criminal for today from South Nashville, Tennessee, where bozo Jeffrey Tarver became really angry after he spotted his former girlfriend in a car with another man. And, being from the South, he grabbed the first available weapon. A biscuit. Yep, he grabbed a biscuit and hurled it at her. He also pounded the hood of the car and threatened them both with physical harm. The cops were called and he was charged with public intoxication, vandalism and assault. No word on the fate of the biscuit.

Is She the Daughter of Cheech or Chong?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Long Island, New York, where bozo Arielle Baxter was due in court to face charges of marijuana possession. Of course, a court appearance is quite stressful, so our bozo needed a little something to calm her nerves. She was smoking a joint and talking on her cellphone when she cut off an undercover cop while turning in to the courthouse parking lot. She then proceeded to park in a spot labeled “P.D. Parking Only.” Bad idea. When a cop confronted her about the illegal parking, she rolled down the window and a huge cloud of smoke billowed out. Busted! She’ll be appearing in court on yet another charge of marijuana possession.

First, Check the Local College Dorm

Bozo criminals for today come from Fayette County, Georgia, where police are investigating a rather unusual theft. A truck driver parked his tractor trailer at the local Chevron station and when he returned, the big rig and its contents were gone. Inside the truck, 300,000 packages of ramen noodles, valued at $98,000. Police have no leads at this time but are listening for the sounds of slurping.

At Least Change the Song Every Year or So!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bratislova, Slovakia, where our bozo, identified only as “Eva” was fed up with the neighbor’s dog barking. And, being a big opera fan, she came up with a plan. She put Placido Domingo’s version of La Traviata on repeat and turned up the volume. Problem solved. Oh, did we mention that was 16 years ago? Yep, she’s been playing the same song, over and over, for 16 years. Yikes! Someone finally called the cops who shut down Mr. Domingo and charged our bozo with harassment and malicious persecution. She could get up to six months in jail.

But the Pe Pe Chicken Always Comes with the Pu Pu Platter!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Murfreesboro, Tennessee, where our bozo was accused with “sexual style assault” after spraying a liquid on a woman. Perhaps we should clarify a bit here. The bozo under suspicion is a plastic doll resembling a little boy. Chefs at a Japanese style hibachi restaurant use him to control fires on the
hibachi, pulling down his little shorts and spraying water from where his genital area would be if he wasn’t a plastic
doll. It seems a patron didn’t see the humor in the act and called the cops saying the doll “peed” on her. Police had to make a judgment call here. They declined to file charges, instead warning the restaurant employees to get permission from customers before spraying.

He Gave Out Six Tickets and Got Ten Friend Requests

Our bozos for today from Sagadahoc County, Maine, were victims of one of the more unusual sting operations we’ve ever encountered. The sheriff’s office dispatched an officer, dressed in a baseball cap, t-shirt and sneakers to a busy intersection, with the police cruiser parked nearby. The cop then stood at the corner, carrying a sign, looking for all intents and purposes like a typical panhandler. Except for what was written on the sign, “Hello. I’m a Deputy. If you’re TEXTING and driving you are about to get a ticket.” The idea being that if the drivers were so busy texting and driving they’d never bother to read his sign. And they were right. Quite a few bozos were caught, with around a dozen citations being written.

This Is What Happens After the Local TV Station Has a Japanese Horror Flick Marathon

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where police were called to a report of a disturbance in a local park. Upon arrival, they found bozo Danielle Taylor running through the park totally naked. But this wasn’t a happy jaunt, she appeared to be quite upset. When they questioned her, she told them that she had taken off her clothes to “escape a giant spider.” Not exactly sure how being naked was supposed to help the situation. After admitting she had taken crystal meth, she was charged with indecent exposure.

COWS R COPS

Bozo criminals for today come from Sanford, Florida, where the cops attempted to pull over an SUV that had been reported as stolen. The suspects fled from the officers, eventually crashing the car into a ditch. One bozo remained it the car and was taken into custody, while the two others fled in different directions. Bozo number one was quickly captured when K-9 officers found her hiding in nearby bushes. Bozo number two took a different route, fleeing through a cow pasture. Bad idea. The cows did not like their territory being invaded and took off after her in hot pursuit. The cows eventually herded our bozo into a corner of the property and wouldn’t let her out. After freeing her from her captors, our bozo was placed under arrest.

Um…I Don’t Think Ubers Usually Have That Kind of Markings

Our bozo for today comes from Des Moines, Iowa, where our bozo is a member of the University of Iowa football team. Not sure what he was celebrating, but apparently he was over-served just a bit, so he thought he should take an Uber back home. He walked right up to the car and hopped in. Which might have been a good idea except for one small thing…that wasn’t an Uber. He climbed into a marked University of Iowa police car. Oops. He’s been charged with public intoxication.

He Should Have Just Bought the CD

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Texarkana, Arkansas, where bozo Zemarcus Simpson had a rap concert that he really, really wanted to attend. Only problem, the show was in another state and there just wasn’t time enough to drive. So, he did what any bozo would do. He attempted to steal an airplane. Never mind that he didn’t know how to fly it. At about 2:30 AM, airport security noticed our bozo jump a fence and attempt to gain access to an American Eagle twin engine jet. By the time officers arrived our bozo was inside the plane and fiddling with the controls. Fortunately, none of the buttons he hit was “Start.” Officers boarded the plane and took our bozo into custody. When asked if he had any experience as a pilot, he replied that, while he did not, he figured all you had to do was “push some buttons and pull some levers.” He’s under felony charges of commercial burglary and theft of property.

She Should Have Priced Avis First

Bozo criminal for today comes from DeLand, Florida, where bozo Angel Jones’ car had been impounded by the cops and she wanted it back. So she headed to the lot where it was being kept, told the employees she would pay the $700 impound fee but first needed to get her wallet out of the car. A tow yard employee took her to her car, handed her the keys and then she did the unexpected. She jumped in, started it up and attempted to drive away. The employee quickly called the office and told them to lock the gate, but that didn’t stop our bozo. She simply sped up and rammed the gate. However, it was stronger than she expected and, after two attempts at breaking through, she backed up and headed for the woods on the back of the property. Unfortunately for her, there was a strong fence back there, too. The car got tangled up in the fence and was stuck tight. Seeing things weren’t going as planned, our bozo surrendered after a K-9 officer was dispatched to the scene. She’s been charged with possession of methamphetamine, burglary of a conveyance, resist arrest with violence, aggravated battery, aggravated assault on a law enforcement officer, grand theft—motor vehicle, and two counts of criminal mischief over $1000.

Or Steal a ’61 Rambler

Our bozo for today proves once again that bozos and modern technology just don’t mix. Our swiped the keys to a car, along with a wallet and other items from a locker at a gym. He then found the vehicle in the parking lot and proceeded to drive away. Or at least attempt to drive away. You see, it was a new car with an electric parking brake and our bozo didn’t know how to disengage it. The car was also equipped with a dashcam, which recorded his panic when the alarm buzzer kept going off to warn him about the brake. Finally, he found the little lever to turn off the brake, but he pulled it so hard that it broke, resulting in the brake being locked in the “on” position. The video also shows him attempting to defrost the windows and turn off the windshield wipers, which he couldn’t figure out either. Busted! Next time read the manual first!

They Need To Put a Bigger Sign on the Front Door!

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in London, Ontario, Canada. We’re not exactly sure what he was looking for, but our bozo grabbed a bicycle chain and smashed the glass door of a store. After going inside and taking a look around, he left empty-handed and moved to the next business. He did the same thing, smashing the glass front door. His trail of mayhem stopped there. Guess he didn’t notice the business next door wasn’t actually a retail establishment but the local police station. Oops. He was subdued with a taser and placed under arrest.